02x11 - Year of the Rat

[bunniefuu]

And, for the last time, the olives in the salad bar are for eating, not wearing.

[As Mr. Burns] Excellent.

And no more "Simpsons" impressions.

[As homer Simpson] D'oh.

And, finally, I'm flying back to D.C. this weekend to spend the holiday with my family, but the restaurant will still be open, so I'm going to need you all to work.

You're making us work on Valentine's Day?

I already have tickets to see Morrissey.

No, he's talking about Presidents' Day.

Which is always the third Monday in February.

I'm kind of a history "boof."

I'm talking about Chinese New Year.

But you also have to work those other holidays, as well.

You guys have your own new year?

Yeah. We get together with family, have a big dinner.

There's decorations, dragon dances, fireworks.

I mean, you should see how crazy it gets in Chinatown.

[Fireworks squealing and exploding]

[Man coughing]

If you can breathe properly the next day, you weren't there.

S02E11
Year of the Rat

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪
♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪
♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

[Vacuum whirring]

[Whirring stops]

Honey: Jessica, open the door!

[Doorbell ringing, pounding on door]

I have been ringing this bell for half an hour.

What is going on? Did you commit a m*rder in here?

A m*rder? On carpet? Come on.

[Laughs]

Chinese New Year is in a few days, and it's tradition to clean our home to welcome in good fortune.

Oh.

Our new year's tradition is to get drunk and sh**t g*ns in the air.

Thank you so much for taking care of things while we're gone.

There's not much to do.

Just water the tomato plant and move the kitchen bamboo out of the sun hourly.

If the moon is strong, then at night, too.

Mm-hmm.

Why did you pack this?

What do you mean?

[Sighs] We're traveling.

We need travel-sized toiletries.

[Laughs]

Look how fun it is.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Look at this little nivea.

It's more container than lotion, but I don't even care.

I'm ready for my new year's haircut.

Oh, that's another new year's tradition.

You don't want to cut your hair too soon after the new year, because you might be getting rid of any good luck you just received.

Oh, kind of like how you don't want to shower after garth Brooks signs your boobs?

Yeah.

I brought some photos.

I want half Anthony Mason, half kwamé the boy genius.

How about flowbee setting number 3?

[Vacuum whirring]

I'm so excited for Chinese New Year.

It's gonna be great to see the whole family.

And to get all those red envelopes full of cash!

[Gasps]

I'm gonna buy a snoopy sno-cone machine.

I'm gonna buy a fedora and bring back the golden age of railway travel.

Mm.

Listen, guys.

I did the math, and even if I get one red envelope from every adult in the family, I still won't have enough money to buy the new Jordans.

That's why if you guys give me three of your envelopes each, I'll give you this gently used castle grayskull.

The trapdoor doesn't work, but he-man wouldn't fall for that anyways.

Hey.

Eddie, I overslept! Get up, get up!

We have to go to the airport!

What time is it?

5:00 A.M.!

The flight doesn't leave until 2:00 in the afternoon.

Exactly! We're late!

Emery! Evan! Just eat some toothpaste!

No time to brush!

Ugh!

Why are you dressed so nice?

I'm trying to get bumped up to first class.

No.

It's too early for this.

All right, I turned off the sprinklers, locked the doors, got the tickets.

And I've got breakfast for the car, snacks, lunch, and dried plums.

We're all set.

Bye, Evan. happy new year.

Bye, girls. Don't forget... Keep that heart rate above 125.

And don't you forget to bring me back a commemorative thimble.

You know it.

Oh, damn it. We forgot...

Why did we have to park so far away?

It wasn't that far.

We took two buses, a tram, then had to run across the freeway.

Good. So now you're tired, so you'll sleep on the plane.

And look, no lines.

I can't wait to see everybody.

I hope they're karaoke'ing when we get there, because I'm gonna grab the Mike and I'm gonna slide right into...

♪ What's love got to do, got to do with it? ♪
♪ What's love but a second-hand emo... ♪

Hi.

Good morning.

Where are you all flying to today?

Oh, uh, Washington, D.C., for the holiday.

A popular destination for Presidents' Day.

Are you traveling with any hazardous materials?

No, just a bag of fireworks, a pocket Kn*fe, and some creme brulée torches we're giving as gifts.

That's all fine. Just as long as you're not bringing any citrus.

Oh.

Oh, no. I'm afraid you've missed your flight.

What? No, that's impossible.

It doesn't leave till 2:00 P.M.

2:00 P.M. yesterday.

I thought you said that our flight was on Friday.

It is. Friday the 15th.

Mnh-mnh.

The 15th was yesterday.

Oh.

Are we gonna miss Chinese New Year?

We don't have to run across the freeway again, do we?

[Sighs]

I'm sorry, Connie.

We won't be coming to D.C. for new year's.

Why?

Because I messed up the days on the tickets.

No, don't put big auntie on the phone.

Don't put big...

[inhales sharply] Hi, big auntie.

[Sighs]

No, we're not coming.

Why?

Because I messed up the days on the tickets.

Mm-hmm.

No, I called.

Six last-minute tickets to D.C. are too expensive.

I guess everybody's going there for Presidents' Day.

Yes, even five last-minute tickets are too expensive.

Five? Who does she suggest to cut?

Tell everyone to send the red envelopes in the mail today so we can get them by new year's.

They're not gonna send cash in the mail.

It's time you boys learned what all dogs are born knowing.

Postal workers are thieves.

No, they're not.

Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night...

Emery, please.

How's the family gonna get us our red envelopes?

They're not.

The only ones you're going to get are from us.

Mom and dad's envelopes... Those are the worst!

Read the back.

We wrote you a message.

Wha...

That means the only money we're gonna get this year is from...

Grandma.

I'm really sorry.

I feel terrible.

I should have double-checked the tickets.

Just when you think you've micro-managed everything.

But, you know, we can make the most of this.

I know you were really looking forward to seeing everyone, but we can celebrate here, just us.

It's not the same, Louis.

There's no fireworks. There's no parade.

It's not gonna feel like new year's.

Well, maybe we could find something like that here.

I doubt it.

People here don't care about this holiday.

That's not true.

We know there are other Chinese people in the area, remember?

[Beeping]

Yeah, one other Chinese guy in Orlando, and he's deaf.

He's here somewhere.

If we just had a, I don't know, some sort of a list of people's names in the area and a way to get in touch with them.

There's got to be at least one Chinese person listed in here.

Uh, let's start with "Yang."

It's like Chinese people's "Smith."

Hmm. Nothing.

How about "Ma"?

Uh...

Nope.

Liang?

Together: Hi, grandma!

We made you your favorite snack...

Mountain dew and combos.

Are you upset that we missed our flight?

I hate to see grandma so down.

We have to cheer her up.

Yeah, so she can be generous with the red envelopes, and we can get paid!

No, because she's our grandmother and she's sad.

Right. We're saying the same thing.

Whatever our motivation, we need to get grandma happy, like, yesterday.

What does she like?

She loves "Garfield."

Yeah, what else? What does it mean?

What does it mean to like "Garfield"?

It means she likes things that are small, cute, and funny.

[Snaps fingers] That's the first thing you've said all day that makes sense.

Hey, how ya doin' today?

Having fun?

Speaking of fun, what's the deal with fun-sized candy bars?

What?

Of all the sizes, aren't they the least fun?

You know what I wish was fun-sized?

My homework!

Anyone here from New Jersey?

No Changs, no Chins, no Chus.

You know, we need to start from the beginning.

Here, let me try.

[Scoffs] Jessica, why would you have any more luck...

Boom. Asian-American association of Orlando.

A.A.A.O.O.

Ay-oh.

Like the Fonz.

[Chuckles] No, it's like "Who's the Boss?" Like Tony Danza.

Ey-o.

Ay-oh. Ey-o.

[As Tony Micelli] Hey, Angela.

I'm calling them.

[Dial tone]

[Dialing]

[Sighs]

[Ringing]

Rick: Hello. Asian-American association of Orlando.

[Gasps] It's real!

Yes, hello!

We are Louis and Jessica Huang. We live in Orlando.

Oh, my gosh, the Huangs!

We've been trying to get in touch with you for months!

Have you not been getting our mailers?

Mm...

Thieves.

Thieves.

[Chuckles]

Uh, we are going to be in town for Chinese New Year, and we were wondering if you're doing anything.

We're having a huge party.

It's the biggest day of the year.

We would be so excited if you'd join us.

[Both laugh]

♪ What if God was one of us? ♪
♪ Just a slob like one of us? ♪
♪ Just a stranger on a bus, trying to make his way... ♪

[Lock clicks]

Eddie: I can't wait.

We're gonna be drowning in a sea full of red envelopes.

Why would grandma care about fun-sized stuff?

I should have started with jokes about Filipino food.

Ah, looks like they already got started with the fireworks.

Ignoring fire codes... So Chinese.

[Laughs]

[Russian music playing]

There's so much oil in this food.

My son Raj is addicted to cocaine.

This one means "understanding."

What? No, this means "understanding."

What's going on? Where are all the...

Rick: Chinese people!

Welcome, Huangs.

And happy new year.

I'm Rick.

Ni hao.

The length and depth of my bow expresses my deep appreciation.

Uh, I think that's more of a Japanese thing, but, uh, thank you, Rick. [Chuckles]

We spoke on the phone, I believe.

I'm one of the founding members of the triple-a double-o.

I thought this was an Asian organization?

Oh, it is.

Everyone here is Asian.

Or hoping to associate with one.

[Chuckles]

I myself was born on a layover in Thailand.

Well, I guess technically India and parts of Russia are in Asia, but we assumed...

That there would be some Chinese people celebrating Chinese New Year.

We don't have any Chinese members yet.

But we did get the kid who played short round to send us an autographed picture for our wall.

Very cool of him.

Man: What'd she say?

Man 2: I think she likes it.

I don't care what kind of people are here.

As long as they have red envelopes, I'm cool with it.

Ooh, red envelopes.

What is that? Like a party game?

You don't even know about red envelopes?

Well, what do you have planned for Chinese New Year?

Oh, it is going to be epic.

We just got these "year of the rat" glasses.

There's also gonna be an authentic dragon dance.

And at midnight Beijing time, we're gonna drop the rat.

Uh, that's not a real thing.

See, this is what I was talking about.

They're having a Chinese New Year's party, but nobody cares enough to get it right.

♪ Y'all ready for this? ♪

["Get ready for this" plays]

Who's ready for a dragon dance?!

The guy in the suit is my brother, Mark.

He's a male stripper.

["Get ready for this" continues]

[Cheering]

Happy New Year!

I wish we could...

[fireworks squealing]

I said, Happy New...

[fireworks exploding]

Damn it, Happy New Year!

[Beep]

[Sighs]

I wish we were there so they could annoy me in person.

What's the deal with disappointment?

I don't have a joke.

I just want to know.

Happy new year! [Chuckles]

What's so happy about it?

No red envelopes.

No family.

No parade.

Bubkes.

But we do have pork buns.

You found pork buns?

Uh, no, jelly doughnuts.

Same basic concept, though.

Dough filled with something delicious. [Chuckles]

I'm too sad to eat doughnuts.

I'll eat the jelly, though.

[Sighs]

Come on, guys.

Look, sure, I messed up the plane tickets, and sure, Chinese New Year is ruined, but that doesn't mean we still can't have fun as a family.

Tonight, to celebrate, the Huangs are going to Cattleman's Ranch for dinner!

And this time, it's personal...

Pan pizzas. You each get one.

Sure, fine. [Sighs]

At least I don't have to cook.

I just want this day to be over.

Well, another year without a snoopy sno-cone machine.

I guess I should tell my business partners.

Louis!

What is that?

I just thought, you know, for Presidents' Day.

You know I hate animals doing people things.

Well, what are you doing here?

I-I thought you were out of town.

No, there's been a change of plans.

Okay, so here's what we need.

[Chinese drums playing]

Emery: Whoa, lion dancers!

Awesome! Wow!

Look at that.

[Laughs]

Whoa!

[Drumming continues]

[Applause]

Whoo!

That's awesome!

Louis, how did you...

I wanted you to have a real Chinese New Year.

How did you find people who care about Chinese New Year?

You found the bus guy.

[Gasps]

Mitch?

Nancy?!

They spent all day rehearsing.

We decided to go with the Southern lion-style dance.

[Chuckles]

Mitch got the lion costume.

I used to work at Epcot.

I still have the key to the costume locker.

The drummers I got on loan from the high school.

Jessica: Oh.

And honey brought all the lanterns.

They're from Janet Jackson's "If" video.

My hairdresser used to be her prop guy.

Oh, and Sandy has got some stories.

Oh, yeah.

[Laughter]

Deidre brought oranges and tangerines.

I have three trees in my yard that are really flourishing.

My secret... human urine.

Carol-Joan brought illegal fireworks.

My son is troubled, but he knows where to buy expl*sives.

[Laughs]

Hector made fish and dumplings.

He did a great job, and with such short notice.

It gave me an idea for a Chinese fast-food chain.

Could call it "Pronto Panda" or, uh, "Panda Chop-Chop" or "Panda Train, limited stops."

How about Panda Express?

I like my names better.

And for you boys, your father told us about red envelopes.

Sno-cone! Thank you!

Eddie: Loot! [Laughs]

Look on the back.

"Be the change"?

Your father said you liked handwritten messages on nice stationery.

[Chuckles]

Goodbye, Jordans.

I guess I have to wait another year until I can dunk.

Why did you all go to all this trouble?

It's not even your holiday.

Louis said you were upset about missing Chinese New Year, so we wanted to help.

It's not that people didn't care enough to get it right.

It's that they didn't know.

Also, it's you, so if we don't get it right, we're gonna hear about it.

Yeah, that's true.

[Laughter]

So, I've always been curious, why the color red?

Thank you for asking.

The color red represents good luck and happiness.

Marvin: Ah.

Why do you serve dumplings?

Well, dumplings are a similar shape to ancient silver and gold pieces.

So when you eat them, it's like you're taking in wealth.

Ah. Ooh.

I like that.

[Indistinct talking]

So the Chinese word for fish is a h*m* for the word "surplus."

And why lions?

They're used to summon wealth and good fortune.

I thought red was for wealth and good fortune.

And you said the haircuts were for wealth and good fortune.

We like wealth and good fortune.

I could listen to this all night.

Each year corresponds to one of 12 different animals in the Chinese zodiac.

I am the year of the dog.

What kind of animal am I?

What year were you born?

Pass.

Are some zodiac signs better...

You know what? Enough for today.

Great questions!

No more! Thank you!

[Sighs]

Isn't it nice our friends care so much?

Mm-hmm. Hmm.

Ooh, maybe throwing a Chinese New Year party at Cattleman's becomes our new tradition.

Yeah, maybe.

Grandma, that's very generous, but all we need is your love.

I'll take Emery's!

No! I was just expressing a sentiment, you animal!

No!

[Laughs] Give it to me!

[Laughs]

Thanks, everybody, for a great Chinese New Year.

But the celebration wouldn't be complete without the grand finale.

Fireworks!

[Laughter] Jessica: Ooh, we have fireworks!

Verbal fireworks!

[Laughter]

Have you ever noticed how American and Chinese dogs speak differently?

American dogs go, "bow-wow, bow-wow."

Chinese dogs go, "wong-wong, wong-wong!"

[Laughs]

You know, that's funny because it's true.

[Laughter]

What's the deal with Capri Suns?

I have to puncture a foil pouch with a straw.

Hello, I'm a child, not a registered nurse.

[Laughter]

Oh, he's bringing out the big g*ns.

[Rim sh*t]

What else? What else?

Wong-wong. Wong-wong.