02x18 - Week in Review

Okay, you ready to do our Week in Review?

It really shouldn't be called a Week in Review because we're figuring out the upcoming week.

Okay, so how about we call it the Week in Preview?

Or we call it Stephanie.

Michelle Pfeiffer's character in "Grease 2."

It's kind of the perfect movie.

Agree to agree.

So, this week, what do we got?

Okay, well, the investment property has finally been cleared of black mold, so I need to get the house listed.

And a convention's in town, so Cattleman's is going to be busy.

Don't forget all the boys' stuff.

We don't want a repeat of last week.

I can't believe I forgot to bring Emery his toothpicks.

Hang tight, Clyde.

I'm sure he'll be here any minute now.


Well, this week, nothing is falling through the cracks because of my new secret w*apon.

My wristband. [Chuckles]

Just like the one NFL quarterback Kordell Stewart uses.

It's filled with schedules and to-do lists.

Like right here, it says, "Get Emery's toothpicks."

And, uh, ooh, here I made a note that Wednesday afternoon, you and I have the whole house to ourselves... for four minutes.

[Chuckling] Louis.

And you know I only need two.

[Chuckling] Louis.

Shall I pencil you in... twice?

Oh, Louis.


Our Week in Review is a great system.

I love how we're a team.

Me too. Team Lessica!



I'll keep thinking.

Week in Review

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪
♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪
♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

[School bell rings]

[Scoffs] Dude, Mr. G sucks!

He marked all of these answers wrong just because I didn't show my work.

What happened to being mysterious?

Let it go, man.

I need everybody focused on the student-faculty basketball game.

There's a pizza party on the line, and I do not want a repeat of last year.

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

So good.





I wish you could taste how good this is.

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!



This year, I want victory... and pizza.

Why do you get to be coach?

Take a lap.

Don't worry, coach.

We're gonna win.

I got mad k*ll.

I'm sorry.

Were you playing basketball or trying to do the "Macarena"?

Sidebar... Bar Mitzvah season is approaching.

May I suggest that we all brush up on our "Macarenas"?

But I just mastered the "Tootsee Roll."

"Mastered" is generous.

Better than you.

I'm a little white kid flirting with scoliosis.

That's your bar?

Looking good.

So, this is the broker's magazine we need to get the house listed in.

Shouldn't Grandma Huang be here?

I mean, she's an investor in the property, too.

She said she had a previously scheduled appointment.

[Crowd chanting] Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jer...

So, the deadline to get into the next issue is Friday at 5:00 p.m.

How about I write the copy and take the pictures and you stage the house?

Great. Staging is my specialty.

I used to help the Tampa Police Department re-create crime scenes.

[Door closes]

Louis: Don't mind me. I know you're working.

I had to run some errands and thought I would surprise my favorite ladies with some lunch.

Louis, thank you.

Honey: [Chuckling] That is so sweet.

We're so lucky to have such supportive husbands.



You know where my shirt with the blue flowers is?

Yes, it's in the pile that's got to go to the cleaners.

But I was gonna wear it to lunch at the club today.

Well, I've been really busy with the investment property... which, of course [chuckles] you know because you've been so supportive, which is why you're happy to take the shirt to the cleaners yourself?


I guess I'll just cancel. [Chuckles]

What is this?

Oh, my homework's on the back, Mr. G.

My mom likes to recycle paper.

She wrote a note on the bottom.

Jessica: "Dear Teacher, Paper is paper."

Excuses from your mom aren't gonna help you on the basketball court.

Hold up. You're on the faculty team?

Hey, Trent, we can cancel practice!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

You would want to cancel practice.

I know you don't like to work.

You certainly don't like to show it.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Well, I heard you don't like to show up, like for your son's birth.

Heard you missed that.

Oh, no, he didn't!

Aw, sh**t!


I was a little late.

By the time you could see the head, I was in the room!

But it's cool. It... It's totally cool.

You know what? You even score on me, one basket...

No homework for the whole class for the rest of the year.


Aw, man!

♪ Hey, Macarena ♪

And if I don't score on you, you can give me double homework.

[Gasps] What?


Eddie, what were you thinking?

He's a grown man.

He drives an Explorer, Eddie Bauer edition.

Guys, relax. I got this.

That doesn't count. I had an itch.


Dude, stop.

"For each property description, we charge 19 cents per word."

[Whistles] Steep.

"House good. You buy."

You know, this is that four-minute window Wednesday afternoon we have the whole house to ourselves.


[Both giggle]

I've been so efficient because of my wristband, I even had time to pick us up a French CD.

Je t'aime
Je t'aime, oui, je t'aime

So extravagant.

I got it on loan from the library.

[Laughing] Oh, Louis!


Keep it on.

[Door opens] Oh.

[Music stops] Eddie!

It's the middle of the day. What are you doing here?

They sent me home.

I have lice!

[Dramatic chord plays]


It's going around school.

The nurse said I had it and I couldn't come back until it was gone.

We didn't come to this country so our son could get lice.

It's so awesome.

I can't go to school, which means I can't play in the student-faculty basketball game.


Oh, here. The nurse gave me this pamphlet.

It has all the info you need.

Uh, uh, just put it on the table.

Back away. Go.

"A Parent's Guide to Lice."

Okay, uh, first, we have to get a special shampoo.


We also have to vacuum, wash, and disinfect anything Eddie has touched in the past 24 hours... Ugh...

And, uh, anything he will come into contact with.

I have a better idea.

[Dramatic chord plays]

Well, this obviously throws a wrench in things, but we can do this.

Jessica: I bet he got lice from sleeping over at Dave's.

All that orange soda made his bl*od sweet, and then the lice came.

I don't think drinking soda gives you lice.

You're telling me lice see an innocent child in a dirty home drinking a sweet soda and they don't want in on that?

Lice live for that.

They're the pedophiles of the insect world.

Well, it doesn't matter how he got it.

We have to get rid of it, which is why...

One is for everyday scheduling. One is for tackling lice.

Okay. Now, I'll get the treatment shampoo, and I know you were supposed to take photos of the flip house today, but maybe you could send Honey.

Ma, it's the '90s. We're a team.

Okay. So, the instruction sheet also says no hugs.

Hugs are a surefire way to transmit lice.

Also, all stuffed animals need to be isolated for 24 hours.

Well, at least Eddie doesn't play with stuffed animals anymore.

I have lice.

[Dramatic chord plays] It's spreading!

Eddie is like the monkey from "Outbreak."


My baby.

[Dramatic chord plays]

[Dramatic music playing]

I'm sorry.

The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

[Evan shrieks]

At least poke air holes in the top.

You mean lice doors? No.

Evan, quit your yapping.

Mom's got it all wrong.

Being homeless is awesome.

This is terrible.

Come on.

Won't it be nice to take a little break from school?

It's like you don't even know me.

What's going on?

We have lice.

[Dramatic chord plays]

Wait. How come I don't have lice?

I mean, how do you not want to be up in this?

[Whoosh!] [Funky music plays]

Lice are straight fools.

Hey, Sharlene. Remember what we talked about?

How I got to stop following you home and looking through your bedroom window?

It's just a simple tip on how to be a good friend.

Thanks, Emery.

[Whispering] I love you.

[Knock on window]

Emery, stay away from them!

They are diseased!

Hey, Dad, did you remember my toothpicks?

Oh, sh**t!

Ah, it's right there in the crack.

What if the H.O.A. finds out about this?

They already know I'm scared of the dark.

This is too many skeletons in my closet.

Calm down. Having lice is great.

You get to hang out with your big bro.

You get to spend all day outside...

Uhp, wiener's ready!

Hey, Em-dog, can you go inside and throw me out some ketchup?

I want to douse my Hebrew.

Eddie, Evan, okay, we just need to put this shampoo in your hair, and lice will be gone tomorrow.

But the basketball game's tomorrow!

That's too soon!

Let's do it! Team Jess-ouis!

I'll keep thinking.

♪ Well, it's the M-I crooked letter coming around the South ♪
♪ Rolling straight Hammers and Vogues ♪
♪ In that old Southern slouch ♪
♪ Ain't nothing but incense in my atmosphere ♪
♪ I'm bending corners in my 'Llac, boy ♪
♪ 'Cause that's how we be rolling here ♪
♪ Deep, the slang is in effect because it's Georgia ♪
♪ Kicking the khakis and Adidas ♪
♪ Packing yo' heaters cause you s'posed to, cousin ♪
♪ Catfish and grits is how my flow flow ♪

Don't you die on me!

♪ But them 50 bottles got to go ♪
♪ See, juice and gin used to be my friend from the beginnin' ♪
♪ And now I'm just a player ♪
♪ Sipping sauce every now and then ♪
♪ My heat is in the trunk along with that quad knock ♪
♪ No, my heart don't pump no Kool-Aid ♪
♪ Jump and you'll get you sprayed ♪
♪ Who raise yo' block ♪
♪ The one and only Outkast ♪
♪ Many are slow then fast, and I continue blasting swiftly ♪
♪ They ain't gon' get me, got something fo' em ♪
♪ The devil up in yo grill ♪
♪ And you still don't even know 'em ♪
♪ Show 'em, who's the OK ♪
♪ Like collard greens and hoecakes ♪
♪ I got soul, that's something that you ain't got ♪
♪ That's why... ♪

Ahh. All clear.


Ugh! Lice!

Yes! Ugh. I don't understand.

How come the treatment worked on Evan and not on you?

Guess lice just can't get enough, can't get enough of this Eddie stuff.

Wait, no, Big Red, keep your distance!

Eddie is diseased!

[Glass thuds]

Mr. G says the bet is still on.

No way!

If I can't play in the game, the bet is off.

That's not how he sees it, and he just upped the ante.

Now, I heard that Eddie's gonna miss the student-faculty basketball game today because of "lice."

Maybe he'll be magically cured once he finds out, if he doesn't show up, I'm gonna give all of you double homework.

[Indistinct shouting]

May I go to the bathroom?

I walked straight here.

The sharp part kept stabbing me in the butt.

He can't give the whole class double homework.

That wasn't the bet.

Well, he is, and if you don't show up after school and score a basket on him, those lice will be the only friends you have left.

I got to get back before home ec.

We're making beignets.

So, these are the photos I took of the flip house.

You can't see the house.

I know. Cool, right?

It's the suggestion of house.

I was going for a feeling.

I mean, isn't it more interesting to create a feeling?

Or, if you want, we can retake them and do pictures that actually show the house.

Let's do that.

That's a great idea, Honey.

Um, how's it going with the lice?

It's awful.

Just hearing the word "lice" makes me want to scratch.


Yeah. It's been like this all day.

I mean, I know it's just in my mind, but...

Man, those conventioneers made me feel dumb.

Like I'm the only person to ever confuse the NCAA with the NAACP.

I have lice.

[Dramatic chord plays]

Lice? Parents can get lice?

That wasn't in the pamphlet.

I need you to get me the treatment shampoo.

Then we need to vacuum and wash everything all over again.

Plus, now we have to do the sheets in our room.

Also, I still have to take pictures of the flip hou...

What... What are these for?

I'm out.

What do you mean, you're out? Louis, I thought we were a team!

And I appreciate that... but I'm out.

Ma, please!

[Sighs] I'm going to Honey and Marvin's.

You're leaving?

Well, Eddie gave it to Evan.

Evan gave it to you.

It's only a matter of time before you give it to me, and that can't happen.

I have to provide for this family.

I run a business.

So do I.


Are you saying your career is more important than mine?


Okay, I see.

So, you're fine supporting my career as long as it doesn't get in the way of yours.

I support your career. I babysit the kids all the time.

It's not babysitting if they're your kids.

Well, this week, I did the laundry.

I vacuumed.

I even remembered Emery's toothpicks.

That's just being a parent.

Well, I'm not blaming you they got lice.

Why would you blame me?!

Well, I mean, you're the mother.

And you're the father.


"Exactly" what?!

Louis, I thought we were a team.

And I appreciate that... but I'm out.

[Door opens]

[Cheers and applause]

Defense! Defense!

[Cheers and applause]

Time out!

[Whistle blows]

I don't even know why we're playing.

Even if we win, we still get double math homework because Eddie didn't score a basket.

We're doing it for the pizza, Dave.

Or have you forgotten what this game is really about?

Principal Hunter's playing dirty.

He keeps pinching my arm when no one's looking.

Pinch, pinch, pinch, pinch, pinch, pinch, pinch, pinch!

Not a foul if the ref doesn't call it.

Mmm! Pizza!

My slice is so big, I got to fold it in half.

I ate so much pizza, now I have to make more.




Heard there was a game today.

♪ Yeah ♪


You got rid of your lice!

Nah. I still have it.

He can't be here. He has lice.

Then go remove him from the gym.

I'm not going near him.

I have a date tonight. I shaved and everything.

Well, I'm not doing it. I have horses.

I wasn't about to let you guys get double homework.

You could have come before there were six seconds left.

You know I like to make an entrance.

Hit it!

Okay. Hit it!

♪ Partna, let's go half on a sack ♪
♪ I got five on it ♪
♪ Grab your 4, let's get keyed ♪
♪ I got five on it ♪
♪ Messing with that indo weed ♪

Let's do this.

♪ I got five on it ♪

Walter, just pass me the ball and stand back.

Hey, I'm not afraid of you or lice.

Once you miss the birth of your son, you're not afraid of anything.

I'm gonna drive to the hole.

Bring it.

♪ Till the joint be burning my hand ♪



[Cheers and applause]

♪ To burn slow ♪
♪ So the ashes won't be burning up my hand, bro ♪
♪ Hoochies can hit, but they know they got to pitch in ♪

But you said you were gonna drive to the hole.

That's a technical foul for lying! Come on, Carl!

♪ Hell no, you better bring your own spliff, chief ♪
♪ What's up? Don't babysit that... ♪

[Crowd shrieking]

I'm a businessman who runs a restaurant.

I had no choice but to leave.


You know, between us, this whole "men and women sharing the workload," "it's the '90s" business... I give it 10 years, tops.

[Both laugh]

Well, I mean, I'm fine chipping in, pulling my weight...

I know. I know.

Y-You're good at the talk. Me too.

Coming, dear!

Honey: What?



Ah, sure is different from our generation, huh?

[Both laugh]

Hey, why don't I mix us up some Gin Rickeys?

Remember at the start of the w*r how we used to kick those back?

[Both laugh]

I'm not sure I was even born then.

Aw, poor Jessica. I feel so bad for her.

I know. Lice is the worst.

I'm sure that's why you guys agreed that it's better for you to come here so you don't get it yourself.

Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, there's no sense in us both getting lice.

I mean, you run a business.

Thank you.

And she's a Realtor.

And she takes care of three kids, your mom, the investment property.

She runs the house, gets the kids off to school, makes dinner every night.

Oh, man. Dinner's pesky.

Dinner always gets me.

She really does a lot, doesn't she?

Well, I mean, she's able to because you're there to support her.

That's why you guys are such a great team.

Marvin: Coming, dear!

Why does he keep doing that?

He never comes.

Stop. You don't have to do that.

What are you doing here? I thought you were out.

What's that?

Just open it.

I went to your investment property and I re-took the pictures for the broker's magazine so you can still make your deadline.

I can see the house.

[Exhales sharply] That's all I wanted...

Pictures where you can see the house!

New sheets?

We're burning the old ones.

Neither of us should have to do any more laundry tonight.

I'm sorry.

I guess I'm not as evolved as I thought I was.

I don't want to just say we're a team.

I want us to actually be equal partners.

Me too.


Come here, Team Jessi-Lou.

That's not bad. [Chuckles]

It's like a country girl who has sex too young.


No, you can't hug me. I have lice.

Then we'll have lice together.


Louis, I just want you to know that if you get lice, I'm putting you outside with Eddie.

I know. I've always known.


Emery: Mom, Dad, come here!

Let's do this, Clyde.

You got this, buddy.

There we go! You got it, Clyde!

Come on, Clyde! Oh!

Yes! Yay! Ah!

I knew he could do it!


You did it, Clyde.

[Knock on window]


This pizza is so good.

This sucks.


Eddi, you really came through... in a pinch.

How do you pull off that crazy fake?


I don't know.

Maybe the lice shampoo gave me super power.

Like Spiderman.

This could be my *** story.

I probably still learn how to harvest my powers.