02x24 - Bring the Pain

[bunniefuu]

♪ "Square One" ♪

[Upbeat music plays]

Hey, guys, you know how summer break has totally sucked so far?

It's been one day, Eddie.

Well, things are about to change.

Chris Rock has a new stand-up special on HBO called "Bring the Pain."

I hear it's even more amazing than "CB4," which is impossible!

But our cable got canceled when they found out Mom subscribed under a fake name.

Oh, no! They found out about Sydney Jones?

I guess we can't watch the special, then.

Bam!

Or can we?

HBO's doing a free preview all weekend?

My girl Alison told me about it.

Evan, toss me that remote. Let's get our minds blown.

We're watching "Square One." It's educational.

But that's just regular TV!

You can watch that anytime!

I have my routine.

Emery: You might like this show, Eddie.

It has detectives who use math to solve crimes.

Do they solve the crime of being a super boring show?

Just give me the damn remote!

No! It's my time!

Stop it!

Use your words!

[Indistinct shouting]

Hey, hey, hey! Break it up!

What's going on?

Nothing.

We're just talking.

[Sighs]

Eddie, you shouldn't be fighting with your brothers.

It's you guys against the world.

You're all each other has.

Louis, your brother's on the phone.

Tell that bastard to go to hell!

S02E24 - Bring the Pain

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪
♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪
♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

Sorry, Gene, Louis is busy... doing pottery.

[Sighs] I'm obviously fishing.

Maybe I'm not bad at charades.

Maybe you're bad at charades.

Louis Huang, you just said brothers shouldn't fight.

I thought we lived in Orlando, not a make-believe lie town.

Bye, Gene.

Gene is coming to visit.

He says he has some big news that he wants to share in person.

Is he starting another band?

The Gene Huang Ragtime expl*si*n didn't work out?

Wasn't that also the name of his vacuum-cleaner company?

No. That was Gene Huang Suck City.

[Sighs]

That's not my fault.

I came to terms with that.

Gene's the one who's still holding on.

He's such a little baby.

I feel you, Pops. Brothers are so annoying.

Be respectful. That's your uncle.

But yes, he is super annoying.

Why, because he held a job for more than six months?

Give it to me! I don't care about your stupid show!

If one of you rips my shirt, I'll destroy you!

Hey, come on! It's mine!

Stop fighting now!

Hey!

But I need to watch "Bring the Pain."

It's an urban stand-up show, Mommy, rated "R" for inappropriate content.

Alison's leaving for band camp in two weeks.

We need to cram the entire summer into 14 days, and we want to spend them talking about this show!

Forget it.

I heard about that show on "Nightly News."

It's causing race riots.

I am not waking up to a race riot in my own house.

Announcer: The story you are about to see is a fib, but it's short. The names have been made up, and the problems are real.

[Sighs]

[Sighs]

I can't believe Gene is coming to visit.

We haven't seen him since we went back to Taiwan right after we got engaged.

He did something that made me very uncomfortable.

Did he make a pass at you?

Marvin's brother Marlon is always knocking at that door, trying to get some vitamin H.

No. This is worse.

He loaned me $200.

[Mug clanks]

I couldn't afford to buy Louis' wedding ring because I spent too much money at the night market on some fake Jordache.

Gene helped me out, and he's never let me pay him back.

And that's bad because...?

In Chinese families, no one likes to owe anyone anything.

It's like how you must've felt when you kept my Tupperware for too long.

That's are actually my Tupperware, and you still have it.

And if you were Chinese, I would feel bad about that.

I've sent him checks for years, but he never cashes them.

If Gene won't take your money directly, then just give him something that's worth $200.

Yeah. That's a good idea.

Good news.

Marlon booked a cruise, just the three of us.

He said bring your bikini!

[Chuckles]

I mean...

Hey, guys. What's wrong?

We just saw "Bring the Pain," and it's like a truth b*mb blew up in our faces.

Chris Rock is right. The w*r on dr*gs is a lie.

Told you.

"You know what the good side of cr*ck is?"

No! I haven't seen it yet! Let Chris tell me!

Eddie, I thought you said you'd watch it.

I'm leaving for band camp soon.

We only have 13 days of summer together!

I will. I promise.

Until then, let's just talk about something else.

Eddie... here's the thing.

We all want Alison to say the punchline to the cr*ck joke.

Alison wants to say the punchline to the cr*ck joke.

So you can either stay or scoot.

In five, four, three, two, one.

[Hip-hop music plays]

[Cheers and applause]

[Blows] Can't let you do that.

Why? You're not even watching TV!

Mom told us to make sure you stay honest.

She made us deputy moms!

Louis: Everyone get in the van.

We have to go pick up your Uncle Gene.

Dad, I thought you didn't want Uncle Gene to come visit.

I don't, son, but I'm setting an example for you boys.

It's called being an adult.

You have to do stuff you don't want to do all the time.

I'm glad Gene's coming.

Gonna make him feel comfortable, treat him like a king... for under $200.

Gene: Hi, Louis.

Gene!

How did you... I came from another gate.

Ma!

[Both laugh]

Mom, you look so small!

[Laughs] You look good, Gene.

Nice to see you again. Welcome to Orlando.

"Welcome to Orlando." Who are you, my parole officer?

Come on. Bring it in! [Inhales deeply]

Aww. [Chuckles]

Oh, look at the three of you.

Snap, Crackle, and Pop.

Is that a joke from 'Bring the Pain"?

Let Chris tell me!

You live in Taiwan.

Why don't you have an accent?

Well, I work for Delta Airlines now, which is how I got those last-minute tickets for nothing... [Chuckles]

Mm.

And during pilot training, I had to learn "Airline English".

Prepare for an ocean landing.

So cool!

I want to be a flight attendant!

Do you get to marry people like ship captains?

Nope, but I do it anyway.

Well, I hope this pilot thing works out for you.

Unlike that lychee-nut face cream you were developing.

Wow.

If I knew you were having so much trouble, I would have brought some with me.

Trouble?

Listen, Louis, I didn't come here just to visit.

I have some big news.

I'm getting married.

[Gasps]

Awesome!

What better way to celebrate than by renting a Chevy Lumina for two days?

I'll pay for it.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Please, don't waste your money.

Oh, you want to play it that way?

Okay.

I can play it that way.

I'm sorry. What?

Congrats, Gene. Who's the lucky lady?

That masseuse you met in Phuket?

[Chuckles] No.

Come on. It's her sister.

Ah, I'm kidding!

My fiancée's name is Margaret.

She's a consultant.

Very prominent family.

Things are finally coming together for me.

[Chuckles] Oh, good for you, Gene.

Uh, here, let me carry your bag.

No.

I've got it.

No, no, no, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, no.

No, no.

They're being nice to each other.

It's a Chinese polite-fight.

You're never supposed to give in.

These things can get hella intense.

No, no, no, no.

At least let me carry the wheel.

Oh, no. Let me carry your jacket.

Well, I'm wearing my jacket. [Chuckles]

Well, I'll wear it out. Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

Okay.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

"Now, remain calm and hold on to your seat cushions until I say 'brace.'"

Awesome!

Cool!

You were warning them 'cause you're the president of the plane!

That's right, baby.

So, uh, Gene, I hope you're hungry, because we're treating you to a nice meal at Cattleman's Ranch.

Isn't your family bored of eating at your restaurant?

Yes, we are!

I'm so tired of the menu.

The portion size is so small.

We got to celebrate, baby!

I've overcome so much.

Took me a while, but my life is finally on the right track, which is why I made us a reservation at the best restaurant in Orlando.

[Backstreet Boys' "We've Got It Goin' On" plays]

♪ Jam on, 'cause Backstreet's got it ♪
♪ Come on, now, everybody ♪
♪ We've got it goin' on for years ♪
♪ Jam on, 'cause Backstreet's got it ♪

Why do we need to go to an Orlando-themed restaurant when we live in Orlando?

What is that?

Mel Gibson's mullet.

They sh*t "Lethal w*apon 3" here.

We'll take a table by the mullet.

Very good, sir.

[As Louis] Uh, hello, I'm Louis Huang.

Welcome to Cattleman's Ranch!

You know, I have a very positive outlook on life.

[Both laugh]

I see that acting class in Saipan paid off.

[Normal voice] It did. I'm still getting residuals from that fabric-softener commercial.

In fact, that's where I first met my fiancée, Margaret.

Man, I can't wait for you all to meet her.

You should see her ring.

Oh, should we? Should we see her ring?

Well-done, Gene.

Well-done.

Is Jessica okay?

I never know.

All right.

Anyway, Louis, I didn't come all the way here just to announce my wedding.

I know we haven't seen each other since what happened at the, you know, hot springs, but let's put the past behind us and move forward.

Look, [Sighs] I want my future children to know their cousins.

That's why I wanted to ask you, in person... if you'd be my best man.

[Chuckles]

I'd be honored.

[Chuckles] That's great!

[Chuckles]

Come here, brother.

Oh.

Oh, sorry.

[Laughs]

To celebrate, you should order more food.

What do you have that is $200?

Nothing.

Well, think.

Excuse me. Where is the bathroom?

Yeah. Right here.

I'll pay the bill.

[Indistinct conversations]

[Cash register dinging]

What are you doing?

[Scoffs] You didn't really think I had to go to the bathroom, did you?

Give me the bill.

[Chuckles] No, no, I got it.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

No. No. No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

[Chuckling] No.

No.

No.

No!

No! No!!

You still haven't seen it?

But you and Alison are running out of summer.

My brothers will narc on me if I watch it, and they're around all the time.

Just do what I do when I want to watch something R-rated or above.

Videotape it late at night, when everyone's asleep.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

That's how I saw "Emmanuelle in Space."

I wasn't ready for it.

I'm sorry it's come to this.

Keep the bag.

What? No!

I was gonna cut a hole in your luggage where I could hide the $200 I owe you for Louis' wedding ring so you wouldn't find it till you got back to Taiwan.

Oh, yeah. [Chuckles]

I forgot about that.

Look, I don't like to take money from my sister-in-law, but if it means that much to you, fine.

You can pay me back.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

[Chuckles]

Thank you.

[Chuckles]

I can't believe you were gonna cut a hole in my luggage.

I mean, it's a Tumi.

It says "Tami."

Yeah, you got me. [Chuckles]

[As Arnold Schwarzenegger] No, it's not a Tumi.

[Laughs]

It says "Tami."

It worked!

[Sighs]

Sorry I had to tape over you, Bruce Leroy.

What's up?!

What's up, Chris Rock?

Unh, unh, unh.

What the hell?!

Eddie, don't say "hell."

We knew you'd try something like this, so we used Dad's camcorder to record over your Chris Rock tape.

Thank you, Eddie. We take that word as a compliment.

I didn't say anything.

I thought you'd call us nerds.

We recorded a more age-appropriate program for you to watch.

["Bless My Happy Home" plays]

[Laughs] Those hayseeds!

[Chuckles]

What is that on your face?

Just, uh, shining up the lobby.

[Chuckles]

What's that on your face?

What?

You're smiling.

I am. I am happy.

I can't just be happy for no reason?

We both know you can't. What's going on?

[Sighs] Okay. Fine.

I never told you this.

A long time ago, I borrowed money from Gene to buy your wedding ring...

What?!

And I've been trying for all these years to pay him back and he never let me.

And today, I finally succeeded.

You shouldn't have done that.

I know, but we were in Taiwan, and Jordache had just come out with their Basics line.

They had horse-face rivets down the leg.

No, you shouldn't have paid him back.

He owes us thousands.

Wait.

He owes us money?

I've been sending him money for years.

Why?

He's my brother.

It's my responsibility to help him.

So, he owes us thousands and he let me give him $200?!

[Ragtime music playing on piano]

[Crash, sour notes play]

You broke the piano?!

I wanted to play some ragtime before bed.

You know how I like to pound the keys.

At least you're doing well now, so you can pay for this.

[Inhales sharply]

Yeah, I got a wedding coming up, and, like, Margaret wants to release doves, so...

Well, you can use the $200 I just gave you.

Or maybe you have something left over from the money I sent you for piano lessons, acting classes, flight school, lychee-nut farming, vacuum-repair workshops...

Don't pretend to be this generous guy.

You sent me that money because you felt guilty about what happened at the hot springs.

You haven't changed.

You're still not over what happened at the hot springs.

Damn right I'm not! I'll never be over it!

You stole America from me!

[Whirring]

Is the VCR recording something?

It's a head cleaner. I'm cleaning the heads.

I care about our things.

What are you talking about?

What do you mean Louis stole America from you?

Get over it, Gene. It was a long time ago.

Oh, Louis never told you about what happened at the hot springs?

You mean the time he wore a bathing suit and everyone made fun of him for not being naked?

[Scoffs] Please.

Louis was the first one to strip nude.

He arrived nude.

I'm proud of my body.

So, what really happened?

[Chuckles]

Okay. Yes. I'll go.

Louis: Say bye to Mom for me!

You said yes?

In the middle of a Chinese polite fight?!

Gene: That was so selfish of you.

You should have sacrificed.

I did sacrifice!

I took on the responsibility of being the one who got to come here.

I worked hard, got a job, sent money back, not just to you, but to the whole family.

Would you have done that?

I don't know. I never got the opportunity.

You did.

You took my coming to America as an excuse to not succeed.

That's why it took you so long to get it together.

But you have a great job now!

You're about to get married.

Your life turned out fine.

Eventually, it did!

But who knows what my life could have become?!

Maybe we would have sat next to my mullet at the restaurant.

[Door closes]

[Door closes]

Eddie: We need to talk.

Free HBO is almost over, and Alison's leaving in 11 days.

So I came in to tell you that I give up.

But also to ask you... to join me.

You're just saying that 'cause you want to watch your show.

True, true.

But... I also don't want to be like Dad and Uncle Gene.

I don't want this to be our hot springs.

I have no idea what that means.

We're brothers. We're all each other has.

Mom divided us, but let's come together... like Voltron.

I'm the leg!

Do you want to talk about it?

No. I've done enough talking today.

Okay. Good night.

[Mumbling]

Louis, stop mumbling.

Say words or don't say words.

I feel bad.

And what if Gene's right?

[Sighs]

You have nothing to feel bad about.

But his life would probably be better if he came here.

You don't know that!

Besides, only one of you was gonna get the opportunity.

Why shouldn't it be you?

I guess...

If you hadn't come here, we never would have met.

I don't regret the decision you made.

You have nothing to apologize for.

Thank you.

Unless you want to set a good example for the boys.

[Groans] I hate being an adult.

Me, too.

I'm lying. I love it.

I love every aspect of it.

[Sighs]

Ma, have you seen Gene?

I can't find him.

You better recognize!

[Laughter]

Shh!

Don't laugh so loud. You'll wake Mom and Dad.

Just snap instead of laugh.

I don't care for all the bad language, but this is just as educational as "Square One."

I'm just glad he doesn't do lame Asian jokes.

I don't care what time it is.

I'm calling Alison now.

We still h...

I need to call the airline.

What's going on?

Gene went back to Taiwan.

He left this note uninviting us to the wedding.

[Gasps] And he took Grandma.

[Gasps] Forever?

No! Just for the wedding.

So, why do you need to call the airline?

Because I need to make things right with my brother.

[Sighs]

We're all going to Taiwan.

[Chuckles]

Good.

I'm gonna get my $200 back.

Turn off the race riot and start packing.

You're going to Taiwan?!

But I leave for band camp in 10 days!

It's okay. I'm gonna get myself a phone card, and I'll call you every day.

I'll even try to fax you when possible.

But you're gonna need to set up an account at Kinko's.

There's one right by my dad's work.

And when I get back, you and I will still have half a day together, and we'll spend our summer talking about Chris Rock then.

[Scraping]

[Bone Thugs-N-Harmony's "Tha Crossroads" plays]

♪ Bone, Bone, Bone, Bone ♪
♪ Bone, Bone, Bone, Bone, Bone ♪
♪ Tell me what ya gonna do ♪
♪ When it ain't nowhere to run ♪
♪ When judgment comes for you ♪
♪ When judgment comes for you ♪
♪ Now tell me what ya gonna do ♪
♪ When it ain't nowhere to hide ♪
♪ When judgment comes for you ♪
♪ Cause it's gonna come for you ♪
♪ Let's all bring it in for Wally ♪
♪ Eazy-E, Uncle Charlie ♪

So... what's up, Trent?

I just got a call from my cousin.

The Browns are leaving Cleveland.

[Sighs]

[As The Mask] Smokin'.

♪ See you at the crossroads ♪
♪ So you won't be lonely ♪