06x10 - Jessica Town

♪ It's the most wonderful time of the year ♪

♪ With the kids jingle belling

♪ And everyone telling you "Be of good cheer" ♪

- Good evening, mayor!

- Good evening, mayor!

Hello, boys!

You look dashing in your top hats.

Check your trouser flap, young man.

I was wide open, guys.


♪ It's the hap-happiest season of all ♪

You're looking well, Mayor.

Thank you, butcher.

Care for some ham?

No ham for me.

I'm already full with joy.

Beautiful wreath, you two!

Much less tacky than last year.

We're learning.

It's a Douglas fir.


You missed some trash, waste gatherers.

Yes, Mayor.

This bag is very wet.

♪ There'll be scary ghost stories ♪

♪ And tales of the glories

♪ Of Christmases long, long ago ♪
Ho ho ho, Mayor Jessica.

Heard you were building us a new library.

You heard right, Lao Ban Santa.

♪ There'll be much mistletoeing ♪

♪ And hearts will be glowing

♪ When loved ones are near

♪ It's the most wonderful time

♪ Of the yeeeeeeeear Uh, Jessica?

Well, look who decided to finally roll out of bed.

It's 5:00 in the morning.

The day after Thanksgiving.

I'm still more turkey than man.

Can this wait until later?


Jessica Town is in full swing.

The Christmas season has officially begun, and there's no time to waste.

Eddie, your pajama flap is open.

I know.

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪ *FRESH OFF The BOAT* ♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪


Thanksgiving leftovers are the best.

You guys should have tasted my pancakes with turkey gravy.

Why would...

He's a human sewer.


Our community parkis building an ice rinkfor the holidays.

Ice skating in Florida... what an era.

We should go together.

We haven't gonesince the boys were born.

Louis, it's 1999.

It's the last Christmas of the century...

No, the millennium.

It has to be perfect.

I'm marking the occasion with a stunning monument...

A life-size gingerbread house on our lawn.

Take a look at my prototype.

Behold the flawless candy-cane gutters.

Although, they'll be a bitch to clean once the leaves fall.

Jessica, instead of addingto your list of holiday tasks, you should be subtracting.

We lose you for the whole month of December.

Well, people expect a lot from me at Christmas.

My cards, my caroling solos, the boys with their unique Christmas requests.

Hey, boys, what do you wantfor Christmas this year?

- Gift card.

- Gift card.


It gets simpler nowthat they're getting older.

Let's go skating.

What if I get hurt on the ice?

What if somebody slams into me, breaking my bones?

Come on.

Your skeleton?


Can't risk it.

Who would do all my work?

The holiday perfection I've become famous for would be ruined.

Oh, I got to run.

Tinsel goes on sale today, and I refuse to buy any that's already been touched.

Oh, no.

Look at that huge bear.


Drop the salmon and...


Read me in again.

- Ugh.

- Evan, go from your line about the river.

Stop whining.

Emery needs our help.

Thanks, Grandma.

Let's go find somewhere else to rehearse.

It should always be about the family.

Just like in this play, "Wyoming Family." Way to tank those linesso we could get out of this.


Going through the motions.

That's my thing.

Hey, guys.

Do you mind hiding my Christmas gift for Marvin?

All he does is snoop for presents, and I'd feel better if I kept it here.

Sure, Honey.

What'd you get him?

It's... a maritime nutcracker.

It combines his three favorite things...

Snacks, the Navy, and wood.

I'll be back later to wrap it.

Thank you.

There's no way this dude can crack a nut.

You'd be surprised by the amount of force a lever can generate.

It's physics.

Nerd, please.

Are you doubting me?

Take this pistachio.


Formidable... like Mom's skeleton.

Now, let's add a lever to the equation.



Let's go bigger.

Now you're talking.

There's no stoppin' us now.

We pushed him too far.

It was the jawbreaker.

It says itright in the damn name.

Relax, bro.

We'll replace it before Honey finds out.

How much could it cost?

"Handmade in Germany by real Germans." It's $400!

Why does Germany always have to go over the top?

Are those my Christmas cards?

Dad did them for you.

He seemed happy to use the rest of his tuba stamps.

Went on a big rant about postage going up again next year.

Tubas don't represent Christmas.

And he scribbled the addresses.

Where's the elegant calligraphy?

Stupid tuba hippo.

What in the name of Lao Ban?


What are you guys going?

We decided to change things up.


The butcher gave us the idea.


How about this sassy brass?

I'm out of cash.

I spent it on Tina's gift a brown weave belt.

The whole thing is belt holes.

How 'bout you?

I've got nothing.

All my extra money is tied up in mutual funds.

We don't have anywhere close to $400 to buy a new nutcracker.

We have to tell Honey what happened.

And risk getting in trouble and losing our Christmas gift cards?

I'm spending mine on a certificate to Taco Bell so I can crush tacos whenever I want.

Wait, you're using a gift card to buy a gift card?

You've got to spend money to make money.

We're not telling Honey.

We'll just do what I always do when I make a mistake...

cover it up.

I don't know.

Sounds delinquent.


My way sometimes gets messy, but it always works out.

I've broken plenty of things and never gotten caught.

You think that's your original watch?

That watch was a birthday gift from my pen pal in Ecuador.

Well, this one's from Sears.

I don't know.

Seems wrong.

Evan, think aboutall the stress confessing would cause everyone.



You want to ruin Christmas?


Let's do it your way.

Also, what happened to my old watch?

Long story short, it's in Trent's dog.

Oh, hey.

You see how I, uh, knocked out all the Christmas cards?

I sure did.


Then let's lace upsome steel and hit the rink.

I packed some singles, so maybe we can tip our wayinto a Zamboni ride.

No Zamboni.

I have to stay and fix everything you did wrong.

I seal each one with a kiss.

Nobody knows, but I know.


I think you're going overboard.

I think you should leave Christmas to the professionals.

You thought I had little time before?

Now I have no time at all.

I mean, look at this calligraphy.

It could have come straight from the Vatican.

You're redoing the envelopes just because I used the wrong stamps?

I don't see what the big deal is.

My Christmas cards kick off the holiday season, and everyone expects perfection from me.

Okay, I knew you were particular about Christmas...


I've been fine-tuning the details for years.

I don't improvise.

This is Christmas, not some sleazy jazz concert.


I just didn't know it went all the way down to envelopes.

But now that I know, I can help out, and then we can go skating.

I don't think that's a good idea.

Let's see...

stockings need hanging, wine needs mulling.

Come on.

How hard could it really be?


You want to help?

You just drew gingerbread house.


But that's your showstopper.

Well, you said all this was easy, right?

The grand unveiling is set for the end of the week.

It's B-Y-O-E-N.

Bring your own eggnog.


You want me to work at the mall as a Christmas elf?


All you got to do is fill out that application.

Under emergency contact, put Cindy Crawford.

See what happens.

Why would I ever want to do this?

Well, for starters, it'll help your acting career.

Think of all the great character work that you'd do.

I heard that "The Mummy's" very own Brendan Fraser got his start as a mall elf.

You'll also get a 30% mall discount that we can all share.

Think about it.

Just like that, a $400 Christmas gift becomes $280.

You broke Honey's nutcracker, didn't you?

It was his quick math, wasn't it?


We broke it.

But even with my job at Cattleman's, we still can't afford to buy a new one.

And I don't meet the age and height requirements for elf duty, which feels backwards, but hey, rules are rules.

Sorry, guys, but this isn't my fight.


What about what Grandma said about doing things for the family?

Come on, Emery.

Your brothers are down.

It's Christmas.

Help us out.

For the family.


For the family.

My man!

Hey, while you're there, do you mind putting in a good word for me with Santa?

It's been a real up-and-down year for me.

How's it coming?

Awfully messy.

Well, it's this damn frosting.

It's basically concrete...

Solidifies instantly.

Doesn't bode wellfor the real thing.

Maybe I should take over.


I've got it.

Um, quick question...

I ate a lot of this.

How worried should I be?

Thank you all for coming.

It is good to show interest in your local government, even though this isn't a democracy.

The butcher's influenceis spreading, first with the tuba music and then with the ugly signs.

Yeah, and then you reward him with a contract to build our new library?

Yes, our beautiful new library that will be filled with only one book...

My novel... yes.


This is too much for a meat vendor!


Once that simple butcher sees how hard it is, he'll quit, and then I, your mayor, will come in and save the day.

But what if he pulls it off?


That would take a miracle.

We live in a town where it's Christmas year-round.

Miracles happen all the time.

Big shift at Cattleman's today.

- Sold a guy some ribs...

- Mm.

- ..and my socks.

- Ugh.


You know what?

We need money.

I don't want to know.

There he is.

How was your first day at work, champ?

It was awful.

Elfing's the worst.

Awful, like, in a good way?

There was an endless line of people, parents shoving, babies crying.

And Santa's no picnic, either.

"Hey, elf!

I said skimmilk." Emery, this sounds terrible.


Who's Emery?

My name's Jingles now.

I'm gonna go to bed.

I hate myself.

We can't let him go back there.

Hey, this is what you signed up for, remember?

You knew my way could get messy, but it works.

If Santa's drinking skim, what chance do any of us have?

So, we got to make this, but life-size?

She's got a rain shower in the half-bath.

You don't make anything easy, do you, boss?

I give you three days of vacation a year.

That's pretty easy.

And I'm easy on the eyes.

That's two easys.

How come you stopped screaming and banging your head against the walls?

Is everything okay?

Everything's great.

Some might say easy.


That's three.

What's that smell?

We got some fresh gingerbread cooking in the oven...

Homemade recipe.

Trent's gonna help me start throwing up some walls.

Oh, my God.

It's a Christmas miracle.

I told you.

It's not that hard.

Anyone could do it.


So, then you'd be okay if I moved the unveiling up to, say, tomorrow?

Give the neighborhood a few extra days to enjoy your handiwork.

Uh, tomorrow?

That's, like, one day from now.

Oh, unless you can't handle it?


We've got it.

If we can handle Catfish Wednesdays at Cattleman's, - we could handle anything.

- I'm sure you can.

I can't wait to see how your homemade recipe accounts for Florida's relentless swamp humidity.

I'll be honest, boss...

No way this gingerbread house can be built by tomorrow.

And I say that as a ginger myself...

one who eats bread.

Alright, bro.

You loose?

Need another Tic Tac?

I can't go back out there.

It's almost over.

I'm picking up another shift at Cattleman's, and Evan's closing a deal right now as we speak.

We're all in this together.

For the family.

For the family.

Now go out there and throwsome kids in that old man's lap.

Hello, good sir.

Nice location.

Donations for the Toys for Totsbin are right over there.

No, I'm actually here to trade for one of your nutcrackers.

Sorry, kid.

Cash only.

Hey, Evan!

What are you doing here?

I'm allowed to be here!

What are you doing here?!



Marvin found the stocking stuffers I got him, so I just had to come get some aftershave.

Thank God you guys are hiding his main gift.

You are gonna make his Christmas morning.

You know the Huang brothers...

Always dependable, rock steady.

Oh, well, someone should tell Emery that, because that kid is in pieces.

I just saw him wiping his tears with a paper snowflake.

Anyway, I will come by later to wrap that gift.

How'd it go with the Beanie Babies?


It went fine.

Emery doesn't have to work as an elf anymore.


That's great news!

So, how much did you get for them?

Is this a "pizza's on Evan" situation?

I stole the nutcracker!


I'm too pretty for jail!

This is one high-class garland.

Gar-land is where Garfield is from.



I need you!

I knew he didn't have it in him.


It's worse than I thought.

It's perfect.


This looks like a place where gingerbread men go to O.D.

No way.

No, it represents the humble spirit of Christmas...

Before everything became so over-the-top.

Well, as tempting as it looks, don't take a bite.

It's all nails.

Everyone loves Louis' idea.

Scaling back.



I'm loving this music!

And I'm loving this clapping!

Constable Bryson, arrest those two for disorderly conduct.

Sorry, ma'am, but you no longer have that kind of authority.

You're not the mayor anymore.


Well, if I'm not, then who is?

I give you...

your new library.

What about all the money that's supposed to make it look nice?

I used it to build an ice rink.


I'll admit, the time crunch had me nervous.

Couldn't get to all the bell sand whistles, but people love it.

Thanks, Louis.

You ruined my Christmas.

Hey, you really should get on to to this nog, Lou.

It's only 2,000 calories a glass.


what are you doing to my sit-down hairdryer?

Making a joke out of something you love, like you did to me.

Jessica, I thought you'd be happy with my gingerbread house.


You built a shack.

Look, I know it's not Princess Jasmine's Arabian fortress, but everyone loves it.

Isn't that all that matters?

Christmas is my holiday.

It has to be perfect.

Not quickly pushed through, not scaled back... perfect.

Well, you know what a perfect Christmas is to me?

Spending time with you.

The chair looks beautiful.

What came over you, man?

I've never stolen anything in my life...

I mean, a few hearts, sure, but never a piece of property.


Lower your voice.

She's watching "Die Hard." If Bruce Willis is on TV, the rest of the world fades away.


I don't know what happened back there.

I saw the nutcracker.

Honey showed up.

Emery was crying.

Next thing you know, I'm outside the mall.

It's like I blacked out.

This is really hard-core.

Now we're sitting on a hot nutcracker.

I'm gonna have to go on the run.

Start a new life.

This is all my fault.

I was the one who pushed you to do things my way.

You never told me to steal, Eddie.

We should have just told Honey, like you said.

Well, it's too late now.

I'll have to wear a fake mustache until I can grow one on my own.

Let's just...

return the nutcrackerand come clean to Honey.

- We're gonna be in so much trouble.

- No.

I'm taking all the blame.

What about the consequences?

Your Christmas gift card?

Yeah, I know.

I'm really hoping this scoresme some points with Santa.

Or Jesus.

Whoever's listening.

Now, come on.

Let's go call Honey.

Hans Gruber is actually the hero of this story.

This must be what King Kong feels like.

You do this all day?

Put on cheap makeup and pick up trash?

Um, I did find an almost-untouched BLT once, so it's not always terrible.


Look at all those couples spending time together.

I mean, that's what Christmas is all about.

Shame we can't join them.

We're too busy working around the clock, picking up trash so the town looks perfect.

How'd it go with Operation Stolen Nutcracker Return?


I told the vendor I was cleaning it in Santa's workshop.

Everyone trusts a kidwearing bells.


Isn't this wrapping paper perfect?

Navy blue?

Because the nutcracker's clearly a naval officer.

Eh, you know what?

Marvin will appreciate it.


About that gift...


Good-looking jaws on this one.

Cherish him.


Thank you for keeping it safe, guys.

I don't know how you resisted the urge to play with this guy.

You have more will power than me.

Whoa, G-ma.

Why'd you bail us out?

I overheard you were in trouble, so I did it for the family.

- For the family.

- For the family.

Nice chimney.

Peppermint bark?

It was a milk crate from the shed.

I didn't mean to crap so hard on your gingerbread house.

I was just worried that Christmas would be ruined if I didn't make it perfect.

It's what I'm known for.

Christmas isn't about being perfect.

It's about being together.

We just want to spend it with you, no matter how...

crappy it looks.

So, you see it, too?

I know you were just trying to help when you wrote those cards.

Want to skate circles around some teenagers?

Disrupt their make-outs?


I thought you were worried about getting hurt.

Fun fact...

I'm good at everything I do.

Besides, what is there left to do?

You built the gingerbread house, and I see why everybody loves it.

Well, don't look too close.

I cut a few corners during construction.

There's a rat in here!

Boss, there's a rat in here!

Yeah, 50 soft tacos, here I come!

Come on, Grandma.

We're family.

Well, Emery, at least you have one.

Although, if we split it three ways...

I'm spending mine at the spa.

Oh, you look just like a candy cane.

How you feeling?

That was a pretty gruesome fall you took on the ice.

Hey, at least it restored my faith in Orlando's medical response team.

That ambulance came fast.

Oh, Louis.

You know these would have been 50% off tomorrow.

- Jessica.

- They're perfect.

Hold my hand.

I don't want to fall.

Come on.

You just push off to the sides, and go...

like this!

- Oh!

- Aah!

- My arms!

- Ooooooh.