05x13 - House Call

Written by: Henry Alonso Myers

Transcribed by: Shay Fitzpatrick

Season 5, Episode 13

Episode Number: 101


[Scene: Manor. Paige's room. Paige is there lying on her bed, talking on the phone.]

Paige: Hey, it's so good to talk to you. I was getting worried about you. You've been gone for far too long, Glen.

Glen: Yeah, I'm sorry, I-I should've called and let you know that I was alright. I guess I, uh, ended up staying a little longer than I thought.

Paige: That's okay, you'll just have to take me to dinner tomorrow night to make it up to me.

Glen: Dinner... I-I can't tomorrow night, Paige, I got plans.

Paige: Oh.

Glen: I still wanna meet you though, I mean, I really wanna see you.

(Paige flips through a photo album with pictures of her and Glen inside.)

Paige: Good, 'cause, um, there's actually something I really want to talk to you about.

Glen: Really? Sounds mysterious. That's actually great because there's something that I really wanna talk to you about too.

Paige: Great. Then it's a date. (The room creeks and Paige ignores it.) Uh, so I'll see you at 11:00.

Glen: 11:00 is good, 11:00 is great. (The phone cradle starts to slide across the side table by itself.) Usual place at the lake?

Paige: (to the moving phone) Damn it, no!

Glen: Or we can meet wherever.

(The phone floats into the air.)

Paige: Stop it I said.

Glen: Stop what?

Paige: Uh, nothing, I'll just, um, yeah, see you tomorrow, it'll be great.

(Paige pulls the phone out of the wall and sighs.)

[Cut to Piper's bedroom. Leo is asleep in bed. Piper is in the nursery mumbling to herself. Leo reaches over to Piper's side of the bed and wakes when he feels she's not there.]

Piper: I am so sick of this.

Leo: Piper?

Piper: Hm?

Leo: What are you doing?

(Leo sits up. Piper walks out of the nursery carrying a packet of diapers.)

Piper: I'm putting the diapers back where they belong, that is what I'm doing.

(She puts the diapers on a shelf.)

Leo: But it's 2:00 in the morning.

Piper: Yeah, well, apparently our little ghosts and goblins are not sleeping, so how can I? I wish they would just attack us rather than move stuff around.

(She goes back in the nursery and picks up a pile of diapers from under the crib. She takes them into the bedroom and places them on the shelf.)

Leo: I told you, they're not ghosts, they're-they're pests. Residual energy left over from all the demons you vanquished here. Besides, the Elders said they would dissipate over time.

Piper: Yeah, okay, well, they're not dissipating. It's getting worse. They're, like, organising and they're making it impossible for me to keep the baby things in order.

Leo: I know, but it's 2:00 in the morning.

(Cackling and groans heard. Piper looks at the shelf and the diapers are missing. She goes into the nursery and the diapers have shown up under the crib.)

Piper: Ohh, I'm telling you, Leo, they are trying to drive me crazy. (They hear a cow bell clang and Phoebe chanting in a very loud voice.) What was that?

(Piper and Leo go out into the hallway. Paige walks into the hallway from her room. Phoebe walks down the stairs chanting, ringing the cow bell and waving an incense stick.)

Paige: What the hell is going on?

Phoebe: Hi.

Piper: Phoebe, what are you doing?

Phoebe: I am cleansing the house.

(She continues chanting.)

Leo: At 2:00 in the morning?

Phoebe: Shh!

(Everyone listens for a moment and then Phoebe continues chanting. She walks down the stairs to the first floor.)

Piper: Phoebe. Phoebe!

(They all follow.)

[Cut to downstairs.]

Piper: Phoebe, hold it!

Phoebe: What? What? What?

Piper: You're polluting the place. What is that crap?

Phoebe: The strongest purification in the Book of Shadows.

Paige: You think that's gonna help?

Phoebe: It better because Cole's residual evil is taking on a life of its own. And look at my hair. I woke up, it was in a ponytail. I did not put it in a ponytail.

Piper: And you think Cole is connected to this?

Phoebe: Well, yeah, after all the time he spent here, how could he not be? This house needs some serious feng shui-ing.

Piper: Oh, give me that!

(She grabs the burning incense and cow bell off of Phoebe.)

Leo: I'm telling you guys, it's all harmless. It's gonna go away by itself.

(A vase of flowers rise off a table and floats past them. Then the chandelier shakes and doors open and close. The vase drops and smashes on the floor. A white ghost-like mist floats in and grabs Phoebe, pulling her up above the stairs.)

Piper: Phoebe!

Paige: Piper, blow it up.

(Piper tries to blow it up and blows up part of the ceiling instead.)

Phoebe: Whoa! (Piper tries again and blows up another part of the ceiling.) Do something!

Paige: Electricity! Poltergeists don't like electricity. (Piper blows up the ceiling light and the sparks electrocute the poltergeist. It lets go of Phoebe and she falls onto the stairs.) Oh.

Phoebe: You were saying?

Opening Credits

[Scene: Manor. Paige's bedroom. Paige is there putting on some makeup. She then does her hair and tries to choose an outfit. She finds one she likes and puts it on.]

[Cut to the downstairs hallway. Piper and Leo are cleaning up the blown up ceiling plaster and Phoebe is in the dining room flipping through the Book of Shadows.]

Phoebe: Why are you so sure that it wasn't a poltergeist? I mean, it definitely didn't like getting zapped, that's for sure.

Leo: I know, but poltergeists are spirits, this was more like a manifestation.

Phoebe: A manifestation of what? Cole's left over energy?

Leo: Well, not just Cole's but every bit of evil that's been through here. It seems to be coalescing into this some sort of being.

Piper: Gee, you think?

Leo: I know, I'm sorry, I underestimated it. It's just I've never heard of it getting this bad before, that's all.

Piper: Well, you're forgiven, now how do we get rid of it?

Leo: I don't know.

Phoebe: Don't worry, I will find a way. Where there's a ying there's a yang.

Piper: Okay, I have no idea what that means but I do know that I can not raise a child in this environment, people.

Phoebe: Piper, you're not due for another couple of months.

Piper: Exactly, I am running out of time.

(Paige comes down the stairs.)

Paige: Good morning! How do you like my outfit?

Piper: You look like you are not gonna help clean up.

Paige: You have got that right. I'm gonna go meet Glen. And besides, isn't everything just gonna get messed up again anyway?

Piper: Bite your tongue.

Leo: A little dressed up for Glen. Looks more like you're going on a date.

Paige: Maybe I am.

Phoebe: Excuse me? Did I just hear correctly? You and Glen together again?

Paige: I hope so. I kinda wanna talk to him about that.

Phoebe: Really? Fascinating.

Piper: Haven't you and Glen dated many times before?

Paige: Yeah, kinda been hanging out on and off since high school, you know.

Piper: I see. So you think maybe this time it might work out?

Paige: I hope so. Especially 'cause lately, I'll be out on a date and I just wind up thinking about him.

Phoebe: Proof of love.

Leo: At least he knows you're a witch, you won't have to hide anything.

Paige: That is a very good point.

Piper: Alright, Sally, go meet Harry. Good luck.

Paige: Thank you. If you need me, you know I'm just an orb away. Just holler. (Part of the ceiling falls on top of Piper.) Uhh.

Piper: Would now be a bad time?

Phoebe: Hey, hey, I think I found something.

[Time lapse. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Leo are in the kitchen making a potion. The potion explodes.]

Leo: A witch doctor?

Phoebe: Okay, liverwort and a pinch of dragon root.

Paige: Dragon root.

Phoebe: Okay.

(Paige throws some dragon root in the pot.)

Paige: Got it.

Leo: Wait, shouldn't we be talking about this?

Phoebe: What is there to talk about, Leo? It says right here that they expel evil spirits.

Leo: Still, that doesn't mean they're good. Witch doctors are kind of a wild card, that's why the Elders don't want us working with them.

Piper: Well, sometimes we don't wanna work with the Elders, so we're even. (Phoebe and Paige giggle.) Besides, do you have a better idea?

Leo: No.

Phoebe: Okay, then. Get the snakeskin ready and after I read the spell, then you throw it in. "Free us from the ties that bind, of evil magic intertwined, we call upon the one who cures, he who's to the dark injured."

Paige: You ready?

(She throws in the snakeskin and the potion explodes. Magical lights rise out of the potion a man in a black suit appears near by.)

Man: How may I be of service?

Paige: Are you a witch doctor?

Witch Doctor: Let me guess. You were expecting someone with a bone through the nose and a shrunken head necklace, perhaps?

Phoebe: Yeah, actually, yeah, yeah.

(He sighs.)

Witch Doctor: You make this huge effort to change with the times. It's always the stereotypes that persist. Now, where is the evil?

(He looks under the kitchen table and so do the girls.)

Piper: Uh, here, there, everywhere.

(He pulls a voodoo doll out of his pockets and holds it out in front of him.)

Witch Doctor: Ever vanquished a demon in this house by any chance?

(Phoebe chuckles.)

Phoebe: Oh, only about a hundred.

Piper: Give or take.

Phoebe: Another hundred.

Witch Doctor: Explains all the evil energy I'm sensing. This is going to take some time.

Paige: Yeah, well, can you do it?

Witch Doctor: Absolutely. May I?

Piper: Go for it.

(The witch doctor leaves the kitchen.)

Leo: I'm gonna keep an eye on him.

Paige: Alright, I'm gonna go see Glen.

Phoebe: I have to go to work. (Paige kisses Piper's head.) (to Piper's stomach) Goodbye, my little baby, I love you so much.

Piper: Um, but... (Phoebe and Paige leave.) Uh... Well, hey, don't worry about me. I'll just clean this all up by myself.

[Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe walks out of her office holding a newspaper. She storms over to Elise.]

Phoebe: Did you see what that turkey did?

Elise: Good morning, Phoebe, how are you?

Phoebe: It's a full page ad. Spencer Ricks is challenging me with this, this chauvinistic crap. Listen to this. "Ask Phoebe says every woman needs to find her own inner goddess", right? Spencer Ricks says, "That's fine as long as she cooks and cleans". Can you believe that?

Elise: He's just trying to drum up publicity by being controversial.

Phoebe: Yeah, well, that's not gonna work. Is it?

Elise: It's working so far. The daily readership is up because of his advice column and we're a little down.

Phoebe: Well, what are we gonna do? I mean, we can't just ignore this.

Elise: We're not. As a matter of fact, the other editors and I have decided to fight fire with fire, if that is, you're open to it.

Phoebe: Absolutely. Whatever it takes to vanquish the competition, I'm all... You know, defeat the competit... I'm just a very competitive person, you know.

Elise: Oh, I've noticed, which is why I think you're gonna like our little plan. We've arranged a photo shoot for you. Today at 3:00.

Phoebe: A photo shoot?

Elise: 415 is doing an expose on local celebrities. We want you to be apart of it.

Phoebe: I don't know, Elise.

Elise: Oh, it's all gonna be very tasteful of course. Although, I want you to be free to show off any of your lovely... assets as you feel comfortable.

Phoebe: Elise, I don't know if I can do that. I mean, why stoop to that? You know, I am an advice columnist. I'm not some playmate.

Elise: Okay. I respect that. (She turns to leave but stops.) Although, you should know that Spencer Ricks will be in the issue.

Phoebe: What time did you say I have to be there?

Commercial Break

[Scene: Park. Paige is there standing near a large lake. Glen walks up to her.]

Glen: Paige?

Paige: Hi!

(They hug.)

Glen: I like your hair.

Paige: Thank you.

Glen: Serious hug.

Paige: Yeah, well, I missed you.

Glen: I missed you too. You look really great.

Paige: Thank you, so do you. Um, how was your climb? It was the Matterhorn, right?

Glen: It was awesome. Uh, there was a lot more people there than when we were there though.

Paige: That's too bad.

Glen: So what about you? You kill any demons lately?

Paige: Of course, but I probably shouldn't talk about that here.

Glen: Right, right, sorry. (He laughs.) Sorry. So...

Paige: So...

Glen: Wh-.

Paige: Okay, you go first, I insist.

Glen: Okay, well, I'm getting married.

Paige: What?

Glen: Yeah, I wanted you to be the first to know. After my parents, of course, but...

Paige: You're getting married?

Glen: Oh, here she is, here-here she is. Jessica.

(A beautiful blonde woman approaches them.)

Jessica: Sorry I'm so late, I couldn't find parking anywhere. Hi.

Paige: Hi.

Jessica: You must be Paige. Glen's told me so much about you. It's nice to finally meet you.

Paige: It's great to see you.

(She laughs awkwardly.)

Glen: So what did you wanna tell me?

[Scene: Manor. Piper's room. Leo and the Witch Doctor are there. An electrical bolt, flowing out of the Witch Doctor's voodoo doll, has a hold of the evil spirit. The evil spirit screams and is sucked into the voodoo doll. The Witch Doctor sighs in relief and chuckles.]

Leo: I hope you got it.

Witch Doctor: That was a little bitty baby one. The big mamma's still hiding somewhere. But I'll find her, don't you worry. (He walks around the room.) These walls are clogged with evil waste. The worst I've ever seen. Sure these are good witches that live here?

Leo: The best. Although, one of them is going to go very evil on us if we don't get this room cleaned up in a hurry, believe me.

Witch Doctor: Is that a fact?

Leo: Well, not literally. All I mean is that you need to finish up here in a hurry, that's all.

Witch Doctor: I understand.

(The Witch Doctor picks up a lipstick and goes to put it in his pocket until Leo sees him.)

Leo: What are you doing? Did you just take something?

Witch Doctor: You mean this lipstick? I'm having trouble differentiating between the witches magic and evil. Personal items help me separate them better. That's if it's alright with you of course.

Leo: I guess.

Witch Doctor: You don't trust me, do you? Pity. Witch Doctors help rid the world of dark spirits. Now I would think that you'd think that was a good thing.

[Cut to the foyer. Piper's there. Leo and the Witch Doctor walk down the stairs.]

Piper: Hey, I heard an explosion. What's going on up there?

Leo: Don't worry, everything's okay.

Piper: I am a little worried and I need to know if this is going to work or not.

Witch Doctor: Once I catch big mamma, it'll all be over with.

Piper: Big mamma? Who's big mamma?

Leo: I don't know.

(Paige barges through the front door.)

Paige: He's getting married, that dirty rat.

(The Witch Doctor walks into the living room.)

Piper: Who?

Paige: Glen. He's getting married to some bimbette he met climbing the Matterhorn.

Piper: At Disneyland?

Paige: No, Switzerland. Oh, but me? I'm lucky because I got an invitation to the wedding.

(She holds up the invitation and rips it in half. She throws it on the floor.)

Piper: Hey, pick that up.

[Cut to the living room. The Witch Doctor is looking at a picture of Piper, Phoebe and Paige. He clicks his fingers and the photo magically appears in his hand.]

[Cut to in the foyer.]

Paige: I mean, I was on the phone with him. He had plenty of time to tell me about this, but no, he couldn't mention a single thing. Lucky, lucky me I didn't say what I really wanted. Ugh, really, I think I would have died.

(A groaning sound is heard.)

Leo: Excuse me.

(Leo goes into the living room.)

Piper: Uh, so what are you gonna do?

Paige: Do?! Well, I'm gonna kill him. (Paige sighs.) No, I'm gonna apologise because I'm a good girl. I was a little bit rude, especially to her. Although, I don't know what he sees in her. She's not his type at all. She's blonde!

(Suddenly, Leo comes crashing through the wall. Piper and Paige go over to him. They hear a scream and the Witch Doctor has a hold of "Big Mamma" with an electric bolt. He struggles to suck her in.]

Witch Doctor: That's it! Stand back! (He sucks in Big Mamma with his voodoo doll.) Gotcha.

(Paige sees their blown up TV.)

Paige: Oh, I guess I'm not watching the Osbournes tonight.

Piper: (to Leo) Are you okay?

(He groans.)

Leo: Yeah.

(The Witch Doctor spots Paige's car keys near by. He wiggles his fingers and the keys appear in his hand. Leo gets up.)

Witch Doctor: My work here is complete. Your house has been cleansed.

(He disappears.)

Piper: Hm. Doesn't look very cleansed to me.

(She looks at the destroyed living room.)

[Scene: Witch Doctors' Lodge. Fellow Witch Doctors sit around the room. The Witch Doctor appears in the room.]

Head Witch Doctor: Well?

Witch Doctor: The house has been purged, although how it became infested in the first place is very troublesome.

Head Witch Doctor: Go on.

Witch Doctor: Whoever these witches are, they're magnets for evil, it's drawn to their powers.

Head Witch Doctor: Can they withstand it?

Witch Doctor: Doubtful. They're easily distracted by the pettiness of their lives. Sooner or later evil will overtake them, and along with it, their powers.

Head Witch Doctor: Then we must eliminate them.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Manor. Living room. Piper and Leo are there cleaning up.]

Piper: Ugh. Didn't we just do this?

Leo: Yeah, and I still think you should've made Paige stay and help.

Piper: Well, apparently she has her own mess to clean up.

Leo: Well, hopefully we don't have to do this again anytime soon.

Piper: Are you kidding me? With exploding demons and trampling sisters, this place is a disaster area always. I have no idea what it's going to be like when the baby comes.

Leo: Well, I'm more concerned with the Witch Doctor right now.

Piper: Why? Because he took my lipstick?

Leo: And Paige's keys.

Piper: You don't know that he took those. I mean, she loses her keys daily.

Leo: Well, maybe. All I'm saying is there's something not right with that Witch Doctor, that's all.

Piper: Well, he took care of the things that go bump in the night, so that's all I care about.

(Phoebe walks in.)

Phoebe: Whoa, what happened in here?

Piper: We've been healed.

Phoebe: Really? Way to go, doc. I gotta go change.

Piper: Why? Where are you going?

Phoebe: To a photo shoot. To compromise my integrity. I'm going to kill the competition.

Piper: Alright then. Whatever that means.

(Phoebe goes upstairs.)

Leo: Hey, uh, picture's missing.

Piper: What?

Leo: The one of you and Phoebe, Paige? It went right here.

Piper: Maybe it fell out.

Leo: No, it was glued in.

Piper: Come on, why would he want a picture of us?

Leo: I don't know, I'm not a witch doctor. All I'm saying is he obviously wanted it for something.

Phoebe: (from upstairs) Hey! Who stole my toothbrush?

(Piper looks at Leo.)

Piper: I'll go make the summoning potion.

Leo: I'll go check with the Elders.

[Scene: Witch Doctors' Lodge. The Witch Doctor and the Head Witch Doctor are there making a potion.]

Head Witch Doctor: If these witches are as powerful as you say they are, how will you kill them?

Witch Doctor: By attacking them as humans. Women. (He picks up a voodoo doll and wraps Paige's keys around it.) Which each likeness, I'll turn their character flaws into obsessions. Obsessions that will consume them. Destroy them.

(He puts the voodoo doll into the pot.)

[Scene: A church. Glen, Jessica and a priest are there. Paige walks in.]

Paige: Uh, Glen?

Glen: Excuse me.

(Glen walks over to Paige.)

Paige: You're mad?

Glen: No, I'm not mad, Paige. I'm just confused. What happened to you this morning? Why were you so mean to Jess?

Paige: I wasn't mean, necessarily, I was just rude.

Glen: Fine, whatever. Why?

Paige: I guess I felt like you just kind of came along and dropped this huge bombshell on me. I was hurt.

Glen: Hurt, why? (She doesn't answer.) Wait, you thought you and I...

Paige: No. No, I didn't think that at all.

(Jessica comes up to them.)

Jessica: Glen, the minister's waiting.

(Suddenly, Paige's eyes glow, then return to normal.)

Paige: Uhh.

Glen: Are you okay?

Paige: I'm fine. Jessica, I wanted to apologise for not being friendlier earlier, I really am sorry.

Jessica: Thank you. Thanks for saying that.

Paige: I just don't understand what Glen's doing with such a blonde bimbette.

Glen, Jessica: What?

Paige: And really, who's the surgeon who does those boobs, because they are fantastic. I should get the number for a friend of mine.

Glen: Paige, what the hell is wrong with you?

Paige: Me? Well, nothing's wrong with me. I'm not the one marrying the wrong woman.

Jessica: Oh my god.

(Jessica walks away.)

Glen: Wait, Jessica, Jessica. What are you doing?

[Cut to the Witch Doctors' Lodge.]

Witch Doctor: Next.

(He puts another voodoo doll with Piper's lipstick attached to it in the pot.)

[Cut to the manor. Kitchen. Piper is making a potion.]

Piper: Liverwort, dragon's root...

(Leo orbs in.)

Leo: How close are you to summoning him?

Piper: Uh, a little bit of snake skin and a bad rhyme away. Why?

Leo: Well, the Elders think the Witch Doctor's been stealing your stuff to put a hex on you.

Piper: A hex? For what?

Leo: He thinks you're evil too, which is why the sooner you summon him the better. (Piper's eyes glow and then turn back to normal. She walks over to the sink.) Piper, what are you doing?

Piper: Cleaning up.

(She starts to wash the dishes.)

Leo: Right now?

Piper: You know, you can never really get a dish sanitary enough, can you? (She throws a plate in the trash.) Dirty. (She throws another.) Dirty. (And another.) Dirty.

Leo: Piper, what is the matter with you?

Piper: What is the matter with me? I don't know. (She looks at the windows.) Are those water spots? (She blows up the window.) Much better.

Leo: Okay, alright, you keep cleaning and I'll be back with help.

(He orbs out. Piper continues to throw plates in the trash.)

[Cut to the Witch Doctors' Lodge.]

Witch Doctor: Last but not least. Phoebe.

(He throws the last voodoo doll with Phoebe's toothbrush attached into the pot.]

[Scene: Photographic Studio. Phoebe is sitting on a beach chair holding The Bay Mirror newspaper. A photographer is taking photos of her.]

Photographer: This is excellent! Excellent! Good! Excellent. You're a natural at this.

Phoebe: Oh, I don't know about all that. I'm not even sure why I'm doing all this actually.

Photographer: You're doing this to throw Spencer Ricks out of the water, honey, and we both know it. A little more skin wouldn't hurt.

(Phoebe laughs.)

Phoebe: Oh, no, I can't do that.

Photographer: It's your career. Reload!

(A guy takes his camera. Phoebe's eyes glow. Leo goes over to Phoebe.)

Leo: Phoebe.

Phoebe: Leo, what are you doing here?

Leo: I've gotta get you home. Something's wrong with Piper.

Photographer: Excuse me? Who are you?

Leo: Me? I'm her brother-in-law.

Photographer: Well, good for you but this is a closed set. Buh! As in buh-bye.

Leo: Sorry, but there's kind of a family emergency.

Photographer: (sarcastic) Oh, sorry, I should've realised.

(Phoebe stands up.)

Phoebe: No, it's okay. I'll stay.

(She takes off her dress to reveal a two-piece bathing suit underneath. She leans against a prop tree.)

Photographer: Okay, um, we're shooting. Get the fan going, we're shooting, we're shooting, and we're shoo... Um, brother-in-law person, can you disappear? (Leo walks away, shocked.) Excellent! Beautiful.

[Scene: Church. Jessica walks out of the building with Glen following.]

Jessica: So, what, now you're defending her?

Glen: No, Jess. All I'm trying to say is that's not like Paige.

Jessica: She insults me, humiliates me and now you're trying to explain it.

Glen: No, she was out of her head, she didn't know what she was saying.

Jessica: Oh my god, don't even try. She knew exactly what she was saying to me, Glen.

Glen: She didn't mean it. I'm telling you. I've known her forever.

Jessica: Well, then fine. Why don't you marry her?

(Jessica walks away. Glen goes back inside. Jessica goes over to her car and gets in. Paige is sitting in the passenger seat.)

Paige: Rough day?

(Jessica gasps.)

Jessica: What are you doing in my car?

Paige: Waiting for you.

(Paige orbs out with Jessica.)

[Cut to a rocky ledge above a fiery pit. Paige orbs in with Jessica.]

Paige: Careful now, you wouldn't want to fall.

Jessica: What happened? Where am I?

Paige: You pissed off a witch, that's what happened.

Jessica: What? (Paige orbs out and leaves Jessica there.) Help! Help!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Phoebe is there making a potion. She throws something in and it sparks.]

Phoebe: Oh! This is gonna be fun. Okay, feather, feather, where do we keep the feathers?

(She looks in a cupboard. Piper walks in from the basement carrying plastic covers.)

Piper: Oh my god! You've made a mess!

Phoebe: Where's the feathers?

Piper: What do you want feathers for?

Phoebe: Killer potion for Spencer Ricks.

Piper: Oh. Second cabinet, under F. I alphabetized. It's much more orderly.

(Phoebe looks in the second cupboard.)

Phoebe: I see it. Perfect. (She pulls out a jar of feathers.) Okay. (She goes back to the potion.) What are those?

Piper: Slip covers. To keep the furniture clean. Although I've come to the conclusion that we should probably just stand from now on.

Phoebe: Whatever. Okay. (She throws a feather in the pot and the potion makes a small explosion.) Piper, just so you know, I may have to flee the country, but just for a little while. And I will call you, okay.

(Phoebe fills a vial with the potion.)

Piper: Oh, no you don't, Missy. There will be no fleeing the country until you clean up after yourself.

Phoebe: No-no-no-no-no, I'm sorry, I can't. I'm possessed.

(Phoebe races out of the kitchen.)

Piper: That is not an excuse!

[Scene: Church. A changing room. Leo orbs in.]

Leo: Paige? (Paige pokes her head around a changing screen.) Thank god you're here, we have serious problems.

Paige: Like what?

(Paige comes out from behind the screen, wearing a wedding dress.)

Leo: Like... why are you wearing a wedding dress?

Paige: Because I'm going to get married. (Paige morphs into Jessica.) Thanks to my Whitelighter powers.

Leo: Oh, no.

Jessica/Paige: I can convince Glen to move up the ceremony before that crazy ex of his gets in the way again. Clever, huh? (She looks in the mirror.) Hmm, nose job, should have guessed.

Leo: Paige, you can't do this, this isn't you.

Jessica/Paige: It is now. At least until after the honeymoon and then maybe I'll switch back. (An organ starts to play.) Mm, that's my cue.

Leo: Okay, wait, stop, I can't let you do this. (Jessica/Paige orbs out and orbs back in behind him.) Should've seen that coming.

[Cut to the aisle. Glen is standing at the end of the aisle dressed in a suit, with the Priest beside him. Jessica/Paige starts walking down the aisle. Leo runs after her.]

Leo: Paige, Paige. (He stumbles over her dress.) Paige.

Jessica/Paige: Watch my train.

Leo: Listen to me, you are under a hex. The witch doctor's done this to all of you.

Glen: Hey, hey.

Leo: Look, you can fight a hex. You just have to reach deep down...

Glen: What's your problem, Leo? Get outta here.

Leo: Look, I'm sorry, Glen, but this-this isn't what you think it is.

Glen: Oh, no? So this isn't Paige's, uh, brother-in-law trying to ruin my wedding?

Jessica/Paige: That's what it looks like to me.

Leo: Paige.

Glen: Did you just call her Paige?

Leo: Look, Glen, you know about this family. You know what sort of wacky things can happen. Can we just go somewhere and talk?

Jessica/Paige: No. Sweetie, I'll handle this, okay? Go back to your position. Please. I'll be right there.

(He does so.)

Leo: Paige. Where's Jessica?

Jessica/Paige: Hell if I know.

Leo: What does that mean? What did you do to her? Paige, you better not have hurt an innocent.

Jessica/Paige: Well, she's not that innocent. After all, she tried to steal Glen away from me, didn't she?

(Jessica continues to walk down the aisle. Leo runs out of the church.)

[Scene: Outside The Daily. Spencer Ricks is there. He walks past a beautiful blonde woman and turns to check her out. Phoebe walks over to him.]

Phoebe: Well, at least you practice what you preach. Spencer Ricks, right?

Spencer: That's right. You a fan? Got a pen?

Phoebe: No, actually, I'm your competition. But instead of stooping to your level, I decided to come and confront you personally.

Spencer: That's right. Pheeble Halliwell as I live and breathe. Your billboards don't do you justice. You have a nice rack. You ought to show it off a little bit more.

Phoebe: You know, I don't mind losing readers to a legitimate writer. But some misogynistic pig that's a fraud.

Spencer: Ow, ow, that hurts. I'm not a fraud. I mean what I write.

Phoebe: Oh, do you?

Spencer: If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen, baby. Oh, wait, that's a woman's place, isn't it? So then you wouldn't have anywhere to go, would you?

(He turns his back and starts to walk away. Phoebe gets the potion out of her bag.)

Phoebe: You know what? You're a turkey! And turkeys don't write columns. (She throws the potion at Spencer and he turns into a turkey.) But they do make delicious dinners.

[Scene: Manor. Parlor. The couches are covered in plastic. Leo walks down the stairs.]

Leo: Piper? Where are you? (He walks into the living room. There is cleaning equipment everywhere.) What the? What? Piper? (He hears a noise and goes outside. He sees Piper standing on a ladder which is leaning up against the house.) Piper, what are you doing?

Piper: Heads up! (She throws a roof tile on the ground.) I'm replacing this roof. It's filthy! I told you this place was a wreck.

Leo: Look, Piper, I need you to help me find Paige.

Piper: I'm not talking to her until she cleans up her room.

Leo: But it's about Glen's fiancé. I think she's done something to her, something terrible. (Piper comes down the ladder.) I need you to help me find her.

Piper: Busy.

Leo: Piper, you need to snap out of it. Okay, this isn't about you guys anymore, it's about an innocent and if she dies...

(They hear a turkey gobble and look to see Phoebe getting out of her car carrying the turkey.)

Phoebe: A little help here.

Piper: What are you doing with that thing?

Phoebe: Well, first I'm gonna kill it and then I'm gonna stuff it.

Piper: You are not bringing that filthy fowl in the house.

Phoebe: Yes, I am. Thanksgiving's early this year.

Piper: Do not get any blood in that kitchen.

(Phoebe goes inside.)

Leo: Phoebe, can I talk to you a minute? (He starts to follow her in and steps in a muddy puddle. Piper blows him up. Leo orbs back in.) What'd you do that for?

Piper: Like hell you are bringing those muddy shoes in my house.

Leo: Like hell. Paige said like hell. Jessica.

(He orbs out. Piper looks up at the roof.)

Piper: This is taking far too long.

[Scene: A rocky ledge above a fiery pit. Jessica is sitting there scared out of her mind. Leo orbs in. She screams and panics.]

Jessica: Please don't! Please don't. Please don't.

Leo: It's okay, I'm here to help you.

Jessica: I don't know how this happened. I don't know who you are.

Leo: There's no time to explain everything, just know that I'm here to save you. It's okay, you can trust me.

(She takes his hand and they orb out.)

[Cut to the church.]

Glen: I promise to love you, trust you and honour you with all my heart, Jessica, forever.

Priest: Jessica.

(Leo and the real Jessica runs in.)

Leo: Wait, stop the wedding.

Jessica: Glen.

(She goes over to him.)

Glen: What the hell?

Leo: They're twins and he was gonna marry the wrong one.

Priest: Oh.

Leo: Maybe we could just give them a minute.

Priest: Sure. Right.

(The priest walks away, confused.)

Glen: Paige? (Jessica/Paige morphs into Paige.) But why?

(Paige's eyes glow and the hex is removed.)

Paige: Glen, I can explain. (to Leo) What have I done?

Leo: There's no time. We need to get home and save your sisters before they destroy themselves.

(Leo and Paige orb out.)

[Cut to outside the manor. Piper is there sweeping the footpath. Leo and Paige orb in. Paige notices she's still holding the bunch of flowers and throws them into the bush.]

Leo: Piper, I brought Paige so she can help you.

Piper: Oh, that's okay. I don't need any help anymore, it's already done. Except for the sweeping.

Leo: What do you mean?

Paige: I think I know. (They look up to the house but it's gone. Only a cement slab remains.) Piper, what'd you do with the house?

Piper: Well, I thought it would be better to start from scratch.

Commercial Break

[Scene: The footpath. Piper continues to sweep.]

Paige: Piper, you can't just vanquish an entire house. Especially not our house. People are gonna notice.

Piper: Oh, I didn't vanquish it, silly, I cast a vanishing spell. It's like a good dusting, only better. But I am gonna have to do something about these steps.

Paige: (to Leo) Okay, you've gotta figure out a way to fix it, like you fixed me. Get her out of this hex.

Leo: But it's individual. You seeing Glen distraught over Jessica is what shocked you out of the hex.

Paige: Okay, well, you need to figure out a way to shock her out of it.

Leo: I think I know a way. Piper.

Piper: Mm?

Leo: Where's Phoebe?

Piper: Phoebe? How should I know?

Leo: Remember she came into the house with a turkey?

Paige: Turkey?

Leo: Piper, when you made the house disappear, you also made Phoebe disappear.

Piper: No, she didn't...

Leo: Yeah.

Piper: No! I wouldn't. (Her eyes glow and she runs up the stairs. Paige and Leo follow. They walk into the space where the house once was.) Phoebe! Oh my god, what have I done?

Leo: The spell, Piper, you need to reverse it fast.

Piper: I'm not sure I can.

Paige: Well, then you better make us disappear because this one's gonna be tough to explain.

Leo: You can do it, Piper, come on.

Piper: Uh, uh. "Let the object of objection return so its existence may be reaffirmed."

(The walls and roof magically appear and the house is visible again.)

Paige: Nicely done.

Piper: Is that a wedding dress?

Paige: You just noticed?

(They hear a turkey gobble in the kitchen.)

Leo: Phoebe.

[Cut to the kitchen. Phoebe has the turkey on the table and is about to chop its head off with a butcher's knife. Leo runs in and grabs her arm.]

Leo: Don't!

(The turkey jumps off the table.)

Phoebe: Let go of me! I have to kill Spencer!

Paige: You named the turkey Spencer?

Piper: That's no turkey. I think that's Spencer Ricks.

Leo: The other advice columnist?

Piper: Well, she said she was gonna kill the competition.

Paige: Okay, we gotta break the hex.

Leo: Any ideas how?

Piper: Yeah, actually. Take her to the attic and keep her away from that turkey.

Phoebe: Yeah, take me to the turkey.

(Leo orbs out with Phoebe.)

Piper: We're gonna pay a little house call to that Witch Doctor.

[Cut to the Witch Doctors' Lodge. The Witch Doctor and the Head Witch Doctor are there.]

Head Witch Doctor: Success.

Witch Doctor: It's only a matter of time before they destroy themselves.

Paige: Talk about premature jubilation. You gentlemen might wanna see a doctor about that.

Witch Doctor: How did you get here?

Piper: With the powers you apparently didn't want us to have. Good powers, by the way. Very good.

Paige: Powers we might have to use against you.

(Piper goes to blow them up.)

Head Witch Doctor: Wait, don't! If you were truly good, we're on the same side. We felt you couldn't handle all of the evil spirits you attract.

Piper: Well, we attract them for a reason, doc. So that we can get rid of them. You get rid of us, you'll have more problems than solutions, trust me.

Paige: See, we might be slightly off, but we're off in a good way.

Piper: Now you're gonna reverse the hex on our other sister, or it will be your last.

[Cut to the manor. Attic. Phoebe is walking towards Leo holding the butcher's knife.]

Leo: Phoebe. Phoebe. Piper!

(Phoebe's eyes glow and the hex is removed. She notices the butcher's knife.)

Phoebe: Oh, dear.

Leo: Phoebe, is that you? Are you back?

Phoebe: Yeah. What's going on?

Leo: I just, I think you have some issues, competitive issues.

Phoebe: I don't understand. (She hears the turkey gobble.) Oh, no. Spencer Ricks?

[Scene: Manor. Paige's room. Paige looks at a photo of her and Glen. She then paces around the room.]

[Scene: Park. Glen is there in front of the lake. Jessica walks up to him.]

Jessica: Hi.

Glen: Hi. You said you wanted to talk?

Jessica: No, I, got the message that you wanted to.

(Paige arrives.)

Paige: Actually, I sent the message. I didn't think you guys would come if you knew I wanted to meet you.

Jessica: Look, I'm outta here.

Paige: Please just stay and hear me out. Look, I know what I did was awful. In my defence I was under a spell. I know magic and all this is a lot to swallow, Jessica, and I don't blame you guys if you never trust me.

Glen: It's not that we don't trust you.

Jessica: I don't trust her.

Paige: Fair enough. But I will say this. The spell broke because I hurt you and I hurt you because I hurt Jessica. It's pretty obvious that you love her and she loves you. You guys are meant to be together, I get that now, I do. And I know that we're just meant to be friends.

(Paige walks away. Glen and Jessica hug.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: P3. Leo is there wiping down the bar. He knocks a bowl of peanuts onto the floor. Piper and Paige approach the bar.]

Piper: Oh, oh, that's alright, we'll clean it up later.

Paige: Uh, are you feeling okay?

Piper: Very funny.

Leo: You're kidding me. That's not killing you just leaving a mess there?

Piper: No, not at all. Okay, maybe a little, but not a lot. Look, if there's anything I've learned from all this, it's that I've gotta learn to deal with messes. Especially with a baby coming, 'cause I hear they come with a lot of messes.

Paige: I've heard some things about that too.

Leo: Well, that's good that something positive came from the Witch Doctor.

(Phoebe walks up to them carrying a magazine.)

Phoebe: Yo-hoo! Hi.

Piper: Hey, Pheebs, what's cooking?

Phoebe: Oh, if you're talking about Spencer Ricks, not him. I turned him back into the pig that he was and unfortunately he won't remember any of it.

Leo: Glad to see you're not competitive anymore.

Phoebe: Yeah, no, I don't think I have to worry anymore about him taking my readers.

Paige: And why would that be?

Phoebe: Well, because, uh...

(She shows them the cover of the magazine which has Phoebe on the cover.)

Paige: Whoa.

(Paige takes the book.)

Piper: Oh no.

Phoebe: Oh, yes.

Piper: Why ask Phoebe when you can see her.

Phoebe: Talk about journalistic ethics, right?

(Paige flips through the book and unfolds another picture of Phoebe.)

Piper: Oh!

(Phoebe giggles.)

Paige: No retouching. Good times.

Piper: Yes.

Phoebe: Okay, give me that.

Paige: No.

(Paige gives the book to Leo.)

Piper: Run.

Paige: Run.

(Leo takes off.)

Phoebe: Leo! (Phoebe runs off after Leo.) Leo!