01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

Man (over phone): You actually think the Mets have a sh*t this year?

You're an idiot, Madison.

I'm an idiot?

You waited on hold for an hour and ten minutes just for me to hang up on you mid-sentence.

What are you talking about? You...

Never gets old.

Well, it looks like we're out of time.

I'm Oscar Madison.

Thanks for listening.

Another great show.

Yep, another show.

God, I love working from my apartment.

Yeah, it's a treat for us all.

I confirmed your interview with Kobe...

Please.

...I told your ex-wife to wait a day before cashing the check, and I told your bookie you're dead.

Thank you, Dani. You're the world's greatest assistant.

Now, get out.

Hot Casey from downstairs might be stopping by.

So you moved from flirting in the elevator to an actual date?

Sort of.

I sneaked some of my mail into her mailbox to force her to come by the apartment.

Aw. All the great romances start with the words "sneak" and "forced."

See you tomorrow.

(doorbell rings)

Hello, Oscar Madison.

Casey!

What brings you here?

Um, some of your mail mysteriously found its way into my mailbox.

What?!

What?!

Oh, yeah, Sportscasters Hall of Fame.

Mm-hmm.

That's me.

Hmm.

I don't like to talk about it, but I'm in the Sportscasters Hall of Fame.

So what's the next step of this little mail trick?

I don't know. I've never gotten this far before.

Can I offer you a drink?

Sure. Why not?

Wow. So this is where the garbage chute goes.

(doorbell rings)

Let me guess, another neighbor with your mail.

No. You are the only woman in the building I'm stalking, I promise.

Aw.

Hello, Oscar.

Felix! What a surprise.

Casey, this is my old friend Felix Unger.

Hi.

I'm sorry.

Is this... this is a bad time?

No, it's a good time, about to be a great time, so yes, it's a bad time.

Unless this is a major crisis.

(choked up): Ashley kicked me out.

She wants a divorce.

20 years of marriage, and I have nothing.

And that feels like a major crisis to you?

I should have called.

No, no, don't be ridiculous. Casey, can we have that drink some other time?

Of course.

Um, I'm so sorry, Felix.

Stay strong.

I'm trying.

But the pain comes in waves.

Surf's up!

Oh, Oscar, I... I'm sorry I ruined your date.

I just... I just didn't know who else to turn to.

No, no, it's okay. I know divorce is brutal.

But it gets better, buddy, trust me.

This is better?

Well, when Gaby left, she took the maid.

Are you sure? I think I saw something moving under that pile.

You know what? Let's get out of here.

We'll go eat something, and you can tell me the whole story.

I can't tell you how much it means to have some...

(honking, snorting)

(groans)

(panting)

What the hell are you doing?

(groans)

Sorry, it's my sinuses. I've got...

(honks)

(groans) I must be allergic to something.

Well, my neighbor has a cat.

Yes, I'm sure that's it.

Do I look like I've been crying?

No, you look like you are crying.

You're right, I need to man up and be strong to survive this trial separation.

Trial separation? You were in couples therapy for eight years, and the last year you were the only one who was going.

This is nice, Oscar. I've missed you.

I'm... I'm sorry I haven't been around much the last year, but it's just weird with our wives being such good friends.

No, I know. Your wife hated me after the divorce.

(chuckles): Oh, no, she hated you before the divorce.

After... look out!

Still, I should have been there to help you with your pain.

What pain? The day we signed the papers, I threw myself a two-day party.

I woke up covered in bubble wrap.

A stripper had to pop me out.

One bubble at a time.

A little bit of food on your mouth.

Now it's on your hand.

Where will it go next?

Felix, I'm just saying divorce is not the end of the world.

Oscar, Oscar, I told you, it's a trial separation.

Any minute now, this phone is going to ring, and it's going to be...

(phone chimes)

...Ashley.

No.

Just an allergy alert.

But good news: the pollen level has dropped to a 2.3, so the mask... stays in my pocket.

Wow, and she left you.

I'm telling you, buddy, being single together is gonna be like college all over again.

Remember that insane party at the Theta Phi house?

That was the night that I knew we were going to be friends.

Those guys were giving me a rough time about my Pep Squad uniform, and you said, "Leave him alone! He's all right!"

Actually, I think I said, "He's our ride."

But we had a great night, and we'll have a lot more because we're free.

I don't want to be free.

Give it time.

Look at this place. You are now single in the greatest city in the world.

This town is teeming with women.

(car horn honks)

Woman: Hey! Move it, you jackasses!

See? There's one.

Maybe not the one.

Well, thank you for tonight, Oscar, but it's getting late, and I really should find a hotel.

Oh, don't be silly. You'll stay with me.

Really? I wouldn't want to impose.

Are you kidding? We'll have fun.

Oh, thank you, Oscar.

You're a good friend.

I promise, you won't even know I'm there.

Oscar! Welcome home. Great news.

I managed to save the ficus out on the terrace.

Sadly, the same cannot be said for whatever was growing at the bottom of your laundry hamper.

Now, then, take off those sneakers, grab some booties from the bootie basket, and wash up for dinner.

I won't tell you what we're having... but dirty fingers are a fon-don't.

I have a laundry hamper?

Oh, yeah, this is nice. I'm gonna get a couple of these... (mumbling)

Mm-hmm.

Teddy, are you filming my sports ticker?

And your ten TVs.

The next time my wife tells me I'm spending money like an idiot, I'm gonna show her this.

You know what? You should get a sports wall.

You're my agent; tell Diane you need one for work.

(laughs) Oh, Oscar.

You get a wife or a wall... no man gets both.

(doorbell rings)

Hey, Roy. Put your booties on.

What?

What the hell happened in here?

Felix the hell happened in here.

You remember Felix; he came to poker that time and cleaned the cards.

While we were still playing.

Roy: Oh. Right.

Yeah, my hands smelled like ammonia.

My wife thought I was having an affair with our maid.

Like I could get her.

I am starving.

When is our pizza getting here?

It's not. Felix insisted on cooking.

Hey, Felix! How's the food coming?

I'm just plating it.

Roy, always a pleasure. Teddy, if you have to smoke that cigar, please turn on the air purifier.

(bell dings)

Oh. Gentlemen... start your taste buds.

I'm developing a little theory about why his wife wasn't happy.

He's not gay.

Are you sure? He seems a little gay.

No, he seems incredibly gay, but he's not.

Ah.

That's a shame. I always wanted to have a gay friend.

You know, to just seem more evolved.

You already have a black friend; what are you trying to prove?

Felix: Teddy, I don't hear that air purifier!

Oscar, where have you been hiding this guy?

And can we shove him back in there?

I wish. We've been friends for years, but I didn't know what it'd be like to live with him.

I'm starting to think I made a mistake.

(snaps fingers) Gazpacho time!

A horrible, horrible mistake.

Dig in, boys. It's a vegan feast.

Try one of the meat-free chicken wings.

If a chicken had no meat, it would just fall down to the ground.

There's no meat in any of this? Not even the meatballs?

(mouth full): No. No, there is not.

(groans)

Well, I just thought, with Oscar's high cholesterol...

How do you know my cholesterol is high?

Based on those pills in your medicine cabinet.

You went into my medicine cabinet?

How else would I put down shelf paper?

Teddy, I've warned you, twice.

Hey! That's my beer!

You could have put that in the gazpacho.

Come on, Roy, let's watch the game at my place.

See you, Oscar.

Oh, guys, don't leave.

We can go without cigars for one night. We'll live longer.

You've met my wife; why would I want to live longer?

Where are the guys? Did they leave?

They didn't leave, they fled, to a place called Nofelixstan!

Well, that's the last time I cook for your friends.

(singsongy): Thank God I bought Tupperware.

Felix, I'm trying to remain calm here, because I know you can't help yourself.

Clearly, you were sent from your planet to tidy up ours.

But you have to stop.

Stop what?

Everything... the nagging, the cleaning, the food-free food, the... gazpacho time!

So, in other words, I'm getting on your nerves.

Not in other words; those are the perfect ones!

Take a look at what you did to my sports ticker.

"We're out of corn flakes... F.U."

"Pick up your socks... F.U."

It took me two days to figure out that F.U. was Felix Unger!

Well, I've got something to get off of my chest, too.

When I was at the lowest point in my life, you took me in, you showed me the true nature of friendship, and I will never forget that!

What the hell was that? You don't even know how to fight right!

That said, it is no picnic living with an inconsiderate slob who is so lazy that his idea of multitasking is peeing in the shower!

Have you been watching me?

Yes, I have been watching you, and you know what I see?

A man who is marinating in sex and booze and filth because he can't admit how much he misses his wife.

You, sir, are in denial!

Oh, I'm in denial, Mr. Trial Separation?

At least I admit that Gaby's not coming back, instead of thinking that Ashley's just gonna magically change her mind.

(phone chimes)

Oh, I'm sorry. Look who just texted me.

Does that say "Ashley" or is it magic?

Please tell me she's taking you back.

Oh, it's a phone number.

For a lawyer.

Who will be representing her in our divorce.

Aw, I'm... I'm sorry, buddy.

Well, look at me.

Rock-bottom and I am still standing on my feet.

(doorbell rings)

Nope, trapdoor! Here comes the abyss!

(crying)

Hey, Casey. What's up?

Hey, I got your message.

I can't do dinner tomorrow.

I promised I'd hang out with my sister.

Well, bring her along.

I'll bring Felix. We can double.

Uh, I can't do that to Felix.

Emily's going through a tough time.

She can get so emotional and high-strung.

(sobbing): Why?!

Why?!

So you want to say 7:00?

It's a date.

Great.

(playing somber song)

I'm sorry. Is this bothering you?

I'd choose a piece more to your liking, but it's hard to play p*rn on a cello.

Felix, I'm sorry about last night.

Let's start over. Let me take you out to dinner.

Really?

Yeah, just you and me.

(doorbell rings) And Casey and her sister.

A date? I'm not ready to date.

Well, get ready because they're here.

And if you back out now, it'll be rude.

And if I know Felix Unger, he's never rude.

Damn you.

Just do me a favor and don't cry in front of Casey and k*ll the mood.

Casey, welcome. Where's your sister?

She's right... Get in here.

Hi, you must be Emily.

I am Emily. And, yes, we came from the same gene pool.

Thanks, nature.

Hi, you must be Felix.

A pleasure.

Well, you seem very nice, but just so you know, I'm only here because my sister wanted me to get out more.

Well, I'm only here because my wife wanted me to get out.

Look at you two, hitting it off. I'll go make us some drinks.

Good idea. I'll give you a hand.

Great.

I can't stay out late.

I was up all night with an ear infection.

Understood.

Sinuses.

Well, if you need a specialist, I've got a great guy on West 58th.

Dr. Marshall?

Oh, my God, do you go to him?

Are you kidding me? This nose bought him his summer home.

Look, Oscar, I really do like you...

Ooh, never a good start to a conversation.

So... let me be honest with you.

Getting worse.

I have a busy career.

I just broke up with a guy who was super needy and emotional, and I live with my sister, who is super needy and emotional, and I can't break up with her, so all I'm looking for right now is...

Friendship.

Sex.

I'd like to change my answer.

It's just, that's all I can handle right now.

I will not give you more than you can handle.

I'd like to change my answer again, please.

(talking quietly)

Felix was just telling me about the end of his marriage.

Oh, that's fun.

What are you doing?

She asked. She's divorced, too.

Yeah, six months.

So, this is my ex-husband, Brandon.

Mm. I see you like them rugged and handsome.

Turns out, so did Brandon.

Do you have any pictures of Ashley?

Do I have pictures? Are you kidding? I'm a photographer.

I have an entire slideshow set to the music of Enya.

Oh.

Pictures of Ashley? Are you crazy?

You trying to make yourself cry?

Oh, please. Give me some credit.

Don't you dare ruin this for me and that beautiful girl...

Where did she go?

I knew it was too good to be true.

Where's Casey?

Oh. She's in the bathroom throwing up.

(laughs): I'm just kidding.

She is in the bathroom.

And she eats a lot and still looks like that, so... only two dots to connect here.

This is Ashley. Lovely, isn't she?

She's very pretty.

Mm.

Aw, look at you two, walking on the beach so happy.

Yeah, kicked off my shoes, rolled up my summer-weight slacks, wrinkles be damned.

(chuckles)

And who's this?

That is Oscar's ex-wife Gaby.

The four of us went to Hawaii together.

Have you ever seen these pictures?

No, I haven't.

And I don't need to see them now.

Please put them away. You know what, I can actually sync them up to the TV.

No syncing. Don't sync. No syncing.

No sync... Oh, my good God!

Aw.

Oscar, you and your wife look so happy.

Oh, oh, oh. Look, Oscar, there's the seashell.

That's how Oscar proposed to Gaby. Tell Emily the story.

Nothing to tell.

Oh, it-it's so romantic.

He wrote "Will you marry me?" on a seashell.

No, I wrote "Please let me make you happy for the rest of your life" and then hid it on the beach.

And there's Oscar telling us they're engaged.

I must've walked her past that seashell 20 times.

And then when she finally saw it, it was all smudged, so I had to read it to her.

And she just threw her arms around me and...

It was a great day.

Aw, Oscar, look at you.

You're crying.

No, I'm not.

Oscar?

Hey, what's going on?

Uh, Oscar's getting a little emotional.

He's thinking about his ex-wife.

No, no, no, I'm not.

Um, I could use another drink.

Em, come help me.

Are you kidding me?

All she wanted was sex with no feeling.

That's my skill set!

Can't you see? This is a good thing.

You're finally confronting your emotions about Gaby.

There is a beautiful person inside you.

Well, I was about to be inside a beautiful person!

You're having a major breakthrough.

Don't stop. Let it all out.

You know what, let me cue up your wedding video.

No, give me that. Give me that.

No. So you can erase my pictures?

No. Never. No. No. Sir.

Give me it. Give me it. Give me it.

Oh, God. The guy is looking at pictures of his ex-wife and crying.

Is this the most awkward date you've ever been on?

Well, on our third anniversary, Brandon made out with a busboy.

So... no.

(clattering)

Felix: Ah!

(gasps)

Oh, my God. What happened?

He told me to let go, so I did.

With no warning, and I cracked my head on the coffee table.

What's wrong with you?

Felix, are you okay?

I'm concussed.

I know I'm concussed.

Oh, you're fine. Just walk it off.

I will. All the way to a hotel.

No, you are not staying at a hotel.

Yeah, spend the night with us.

What?! You're on a date with me and he gets to spend the night?

Yeah, we will have a much better time with just Felix.

(honking loudly)

If you think that sound stops when he falls asleep, it doesn't!

Hello, Oscar. I just came for my things.

You look dreadful.

Well, I slept out here last night. Look, I like to make jokes and pretend I'm happy my marriage ended, but you were right.

I've just spent the last year of my life distracting myself from the truth, which is...

I miss Gaby.

And then you came along and...

I want somebody who cares about when I take my vitamins.

F.U.

Well, I had two chardonnays and a cherry NyQuil last night, so I'm a bit of a wreck myself.

But it dawned on me that you are the second person in a week to tell me that I am impossible to live with.

So, if I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone, I think I might need someone to teach me to loosen up a little.

Felix? Hey, we came to see if you're okay.

Also, we can't find anything in the kitchen since you reorganized it.

It's not alphabetical, it's by region.

I'm fine.

In fact, I think I'm gonna be staying here with Oscar.

You are?

Yes. This is his home now.

Aw, I'm so happy for you guys.

(quietly): Blink if you're being coerced.

I've got a great idea. Why don't I make up for last night and take you all out for breakfast.

Thanks, Oscar.

Ooh.

I know this great place. Best omelets in town.

Oh. Hi. I think some of your mail ended up in my...

Not now, not now, not now.

Wow, that's a lot of Lycra.

Not enough but a lot.

Just doing my daily yoga.

I find it really centers me.

Otherwise, I would be an uptight basket case.

Care to join me?

No, I'm going out for a run.

Really?

Well, a beer run.

But I'm gonna walk to the cab.

Oscar, as your roommate, I'm putting you on notice.

I'm not just going to purify your apartment, but also your body, your mind, and your soul.

Thanks, buddy.

Here, hold that.

Oscar, is that coffee? I just cleaned the rug!

Better not move.