01x08 - The Unger Games

[bunniefuu]

All right, guys, this is the last game in the season.

If we dig deep, the Coed C-League Slow-Pitch Consolation title will be ours.

Yeah!

Yes.

Hey, Felix, what's our snack for today?

Oh, nothing fancy.

Just a hearty Tuscan white bean soup and crusty peasant bread.

There's no soup in softball.

Hey... I only do this for the soup.

Hey, guys.

Oh, God. What happened?

Why are you limping?

I was hanging out at this girl's apartment; I pulled my groin.

(all groan)

Hey, it wasn't during sex.

It was after, when her boyfriend came home and I had to jump out the window.

You're a class act, Murph.

Right back at ya, Emily.

This is great. Out of all the people to get injured, it had to be the former pro ballplayer.

Oh, you guys are gonna be fine without me.

Hey, man, I'm Murph.

Yeah, I know.

We play in the outfield together.

All season.

Roy...?

What's up, Roy? Hey.

Aw, geez.

Hey, Murph, I've got some muscle ointment, if you'd like some.

Are you a lavender guy or more of a wild rose?

(chuckles): I don't care.

Lavender.

Of course, I only have the spray kind, because some people are uncomfortable applying ointment to a friend.

Hi, I'm Some People.

What are we gonna do without Murph?

Yeah, it's bad enough the league requires us to have girls on the team.

I know you're not talking about me and my .375 average, Mr. Too Slow to Steal a Base.

I had a belly full of soup.

We better find somebody quick, or we're not gonna have enough players.

Who are we gonna get? The game starts in 20 minutes.

I could do it.

Roy, didn't your wife play in college?

I only do this to avoid my wife.

Perhaps you didn't hear me.

I'm available!

How about Lisa down the hall?

Guys, give me a chance!

Felix, have you ever played softball?

Well, no, I always wanted to, but softball season always conflicted with the fall musical.

Which one year was Damn Yankees, so...

♪ Whaddya say, boys? ♪

The boys say no.

♪ Ah, put me in, Coach ♪
♪ I won't let ya down! ♪

Felix, do you even have a mitt?

I have an oven mitt.

All right, you can play.

Oh, great. I'll get my sneakers.

We'll put him in right field.

(chuckles): Oh, wonderful.

The position by the long cabana.

Oh, the dugout.

All: Oh!

It's like a cabana!

It's like a cabana...

Players (chanting): Felix! Felix! Felix!

(laughter)

Thanks for letting me play, fellas.

Actually, we should be thanking you.

You're the one that drove Amy in for the winning run.

Technically, he bunted her in.

Yeah, because technically, you struck out with the bases loaded.

Then you got mad, kicked the ground, missed that, too, and fell on your ass. (laughs)

Maybe that's because there was soup on home plate.

Well, luckily Felix bailed you out.

You got some quick hands.

Oh, thank you. It's my cello training.

There's a reason we're the bad boys of the string quartet.

(Felix laughs)

Now if you excuse me, I've had my hand in a strange man's mitt.

No offense, Murph.

Oh, none understood.

This has got to be k*lling you.

What are you talking about?

That you were shown up by a guy who addresses the umpire as "Your Honor."

Come on, take it easy on Oscar.

It happens sometimes.

Is a sentence no guy likes to hear ever.

I got to go.

Thanks for letting me play this season.

Bye, girl.

Hey, uh, Amy, the league has a strict rule that at the end of the season, the captain has to take one of the players out to a romantic dinner.

Wow. What a specific and weird rule.

So will you help me out?

I really don't want to have to take Roy out again.

Hey, I love your earrings. Did you make them?

Oh, I did. They're part of my collection.

Are they for sale?

'Cause I'd love to buy a couple pairs for my mom and sister.

Yes, they're for sale. They're so for sale.

Uh, two pairs, that'll be... $200.

That's it?

I would've thought they'd be at least a thousand.

Really?

Oh, well, in that case, thank you and damn it.

That was so much fun.

We should do sports more often.

Yeah, too bad it was the last game of the season.

Oh, well.

Well, there are other sports. You like basketball, don't you?

Hey, did you know that there is a basketball court at my gym.

I know because I dart through there on the way to my abs and buns class.

You got lucky today, Felix.

Just enjoy the win, quietly.

Sounds like someone's afraid of a second b*at-down.

Others: Oh!

Oh, yeah, Oscar.

Afraid that I'm gonna bring the pain?

That's what Estoban says in my buns class.

All right, Felix, we can play basketball.

All right!

Game's on!

(imitates seal barking)

All right, you're done.

Okay, we'll play "make it, take it" rules.

Means if I make a basket, I keep the ball unless I miss or you steal it.

Okay. In the spirit of sportsmanship, you may go first.

Ah, your first mistake. Once I get on a roll...

The cellist strikes!

I make it, so I take it.

You don't have to say that every time.

Ooh, I'm in your head.

All right, this time I'm ready for you.

Two-nothing!

I make it, so I take it!

God, that was exhilarating.

Yeah. Exhilarating.

Who won?

It doesn't matter.

I did!

Wow! Congratulations, Felix.

Oh, not just to me... you would have been proud of our boy.

He really hung in there. Right, champ?

Ow.

Wow, still really sweaty.

I feel like you're patronizing me.

What do you mean?

It's bad enough to lose, but to lose to somebody like you...

Ooh!

I'm sorry, did you say "someone like you"?

Ooh...!

Uh, I think I left my, uh, thing in a place.

When you say someone like me, what exactly do you mean?

Do you mean a freelance photographer?

No.

Do you mean a Virgo with a Pisces rising?

No.

Do you mean a wimp?

Your words, not mine.

Ah!

Oh, come on, Felix, admit it, you're not exactly a guy's guy.

Why? Because I use coasters?

Because I sing the occasional aria in the shower?

Because I know the pleats on a kilt go in the back?!

I feel like you're trying my case for me.

I thought today was about bonding and fellowship, but it turns out you just wanted to b*at me so you could feel superior.

Well, guess what, sir, you have poked the dragon.

And you would know what that means if you ever watched even one Game of Thrones with me.

I don't need to watch the show to know that it's bad to poke a dragon.

Well, I have already bested you at two sports, but if you'd like another drubbing... yes, that's a word...

I will oblige you.

I feel like you'll just pick something else you're good at, like crochet.

You mean croquet.

No, I don't.

Well, guess who is not getting mittens this Christmas.

Perhaps your disdain will keep you warm.

Pick a real sport, and I'll b*at you at it.

Okay, I say we settle this like the ancient Greeks.

I don't like where this is going.

We each pick five events... a classic decathlon.

You're on!

It's settled then.

Decathlon at dawn!

Dawn?

No, you're right.

Decathlon at a reasonable hour!

Hey! I sold a bracelet on a Web site.

Congratulations!

I know!

I sent it off, and she promised me that the check is in the mail.

I'm bad at this, aren't I?

Why are you stretching?

Oh, Oscar and I are competing in a decathlon, and I don't want to pull anything when I kick his ass.

That doesn't sound like you.

Yes, I apologize for the salty language, but he really pushed my buttons.

He said I wasn't a guy's guy.

That's crazy.

Is it?

You know, I really wasn't much of a jock growing up.

Although, junior year, I was voted "Most Limber Boy."

But mostly I was just the kid picked last for teams.

I pretended like I didn't care, but... it really hurt.

Yesterday, I was right back there on that playground.

I'm so sorry.

Yes, well, today, I take a stand for every boy that was limber and laughed at.

Maybe don't do a ballet pose when you say that.

It's just the way my body rests.

Look at him, all smug and bendy.

He's not the only one who can stretch.

(whines)

Why are you so worked up about all this?

Because he's attacking me on my home turf, and I got to defend myself.

A little help?

Oh, great, now it's asleep.

You ready?

Ooh, I was born ready.

And covered in a downy fur.

I was in the local paper.

First event's at the gym. Let's do this.

Yeah, let's get it on, Greek style!

I'm gonna ask you to walk in front of me when you say stuff like that.

♪

(thudding)

(laughs) Oh, my God.

♪

(sneezes)

Hey, what's going on?

Tiebreaker event... whoever wins this, wins the whole thing.

What's the score?

37-37.

They play until somebody wins by two.

Or until Oscar passes out.

Or away.

(laughs)

I'm Murph, by the way.

Seriously?

We've met, like, 20 times.

We had this exact conversation yesterday.

I'm Roy.

What's up, Roy?

Oh, hey, Emily... my mom loved the earrings.

Oh, I'm so happy to hear that.

In fact, I want to buy five more pairs.

Fantastic!

I will tell the factory to ramp up production.

Oh...

I'm just... there's no factory.

It's just me.

That's just a little small-business humor.

(laughter)

Ah! You're hilarious.

(laughs)

Ah, I think Murph's got a little crush on you.

What?

Nobody needs seven pairs of earrings.

And he thinks you're hilarious.

When, at best, you're amusing.

You know, he has been a little flirty with me.

Mm-hmm.

This is so awkward.

I'm... He's not really my type.

Yeah, he's so handsome and rich, and rumored to be a fantastic lover.

You should run, girl.

No. My type is just more... emotionally evolved.

Mm.

No, he's sensitive, artistic...

Mm.

...easy to talk to.

Like Felix.

No, I don't.

Ha!

I'm like a cat. Felix the cat!

Ha, ha! Go fetch, kitty cat!

Boy, Oscar's pretty intense, huh?

Imagine what he'll be like if he loses.

You'll never hear the end of it.

Oh, I don't care.

Okay, let me rephrase that.

I'll never hear the end of it.

(in whiny voice): "Aah, he cheated.

"The sun was in my eyes.

"I was too drunk.

I wasn't drunk enough".

I'm begging you, let him win.

Never. Why would I do that?

Here's the thing about Oscar.

He grew up dreaming of being a great athlete until we went to high school, and his coach told him he had the body of a sportscaster.

Now he spends his life surrounded by great athletes.

Always on the sideline, never on the field.

I didn't know that.

So, be the bigger man and let him win.

So you're saying, if I let him win...

Yeah.

...then I am... the ultimate winner.

Sure. Why not?

Better go.

All right.

42-41. Game point.

Aah!

Yes!

Aah!

I win!

Victory is mine!

I win!

Oh, the despair.

God, that was exhilarating.

Yes, you've mentioned that... five or six times.

Because you... ♪ Suck! ♪

Okay, off-key, and the jazz hands were unmotivated.

But you are the winner.

Oh, that's weird.

I must have left the ticker on.

How do you get that up there so fast?

I have an app.

Well, I'm glad this means so much to you.

Congratulations on your win.

Oh, I didn't just win. I b*at you like a dirty rug.

Okay, except nobody cleans rugs like that anymore 'cause we don't live on The Waltons.

Don't be a sore loser.

I'm not sore.

In fact, I'm not a loser at all... look!

What?!

You didn't let me win.

Yes, I did. I threw the game because you are such a big baby when you lose.

I am not!

Face it, Oscar... I'm the better athlete.

All right, let's settle this like men.

What does that mean?

Wrestling?!

(laughing): Oh, don't be ridiculous.

I would never stoop to... the cellist strikes!

Ow! Oh! Oh, my neck! Aah! Aah!

What happened?

Oh, neck spasm!

Oh, it's traveling down my spine.

It's in my buttock. Aah!

Quick, massage my buttock!

I'm not gonna do that.

Okay, then get me to the couch.

Aah! Aah!

What is it?

My back! I threw out my back! I can't stand up.

Aah. I think we overdid the exercising.

Yeah.

But you went down first, which makes me the winner.

Yes!

No!

Pain! White-hot pain!

(laughs) Oh, it hurts to laugh! Ow.

(both groaning)

(all laughing)

Jessica.

Hey, how are you?

You slept with my friend!

And you know how I know?

You gave her the same earrings that you gave me after we slept together.

Uh, is that why you're buying all that jewelry from Emily?

To give women a parting gift after sex?

I was trying to be thoughtful.

You know what's thoughtful?

Remembering a teammate's name, you son of a bitch.

Boy, that little dude is fired up.

What's his name again?

Here you go.

Ooh. Hold on here. Just, uh...

Keep the change.

Oh, that's too much.

No. You deserve it.

Murph, we need to talk.

Uh, Emily... Okay.

Look, I really appreciate the tips and the jewelry-buying, but I'm just not interested in you in that way.

What way?

(whispering): I know about your little crush.

Oh. Okay.

Damn.

I'm sorry.

I hope this doesn't make things weird between us.

Well, I mean, it might, but I'll get over it.

Aw.

That was sweet.

You could have just told her the truth.

Yeah.

So what's her deal, anyway?

She seeing anyone?

Why?

Nobody's ever rejected me before.

It's kind of hot.

Oh, Murph, come here.

Ow! That hurt.

So, um, what's your deal?

Are you single?

Cobweb.

You're just seeing that now?

It's been stabbing me in the heart for two hours.

Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

Was I dreaming, or did you tell me that you were born covered in fur?

It's called "lanugo""

For Halloween, Mom dressed up as Dorothy and carried me around in a wicker basket.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Oh, wow, neck still hurts.

Serves me right.

That's what I get for trying to prove I'm one of the guys.

(groaning) What are you talking about?

(groans) I see the way you are with your buddies.

I wish I could be part of that.

The camaraderie, the bursting of each other's balls.

It's "busting..." and so you're not that kind of guy.

You got your own crazy stuff going on.

You cook, you do the crossword puzzle in ink, you play that big guitar.

Cello.

Cello.

If I knew that stuff, you think I'd care about impressing the guys in some stupid softball game?

Oscar, are you saying you admire me?

I'm saying I'm glad you're not afraid to be a cultured weirdo.

No offense. I'm just bursting your balls.

And I envy how good you are at being a dude.

Thank you.

And you're welcome to play on my softball team any time.

You're quite a bunter.

Since we're being honest, I did not know what bunting was.

I was swinging as hard as I could.

(knocking on door)

Murph: Oscar? Felix?

Oh, Murph. Thank God. Come in!

Oh, God, uh, sorry.

I can... I can come back.

No! No!

No! No! No! No! No!

No. We overdid it. We hurt our backs.

Oh...!

Yeah, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

You're just super weak.

Murph, you probably hear this all the time, but... carry me to the bedroom.

(sighs)

(Murph groans)

So, how about that game last night?

Which game?

Any game. It doesn't matter.

Oscar?

Oh, thank God.

My date is here.

Oh. Hi. Am I early?

No, you're right on time.

I just tweaked my back doing something really masculine.

Actually, why don't you rest up?

We can do this another time.

Bye.

Amy, wait!

Murph, take me to her.

Seriously, Oscar, I'll call and reschedule.

Take care.

She's not gonna call.

Dude, I'm cradling you like a baby.

Oh! Oh! My groin! Aah.

Just kidding. I'm super fit.

(laughing)

Murph?

Lift with your legs, or you could literally burst your balls.

Well, Oscar, thank you for dinner.

My pleasure.

And I know things got a little tense between us, but I hope I'm still on the, you know, mitten list.

That's between you and Santa Claus.

Ah. Shall we?

Aah. Ooh. Aah.

Ooh.

You okay?

No, my neck.

I don't think I can make it to a cab.

Murph?

(sighs)

Oh!

It's like a little ball of muscle.

Buns and abs, Mondays at 9:00.