01x09 - Sleeping Dogs Lie

[bunniefuu]

Felix, what the hell are you doing?

Playing George Frideric Handel's theme from Water Music.

Well, duh.

Why are you doing it at 3:00 in the morning?

And why are you wearing my Jonathan Toews jersey?

I was chilly.

You know, he wore that in a game.

It's covered in blood, sweat and Zamboni fumes.

(bell dings)

(whispers): Shh. My cake is ready.

(doorbell rings)

What the hell is happening?

Oh, hey, Oscar. Did I wake you?

No, I'm always up at this hour to milk the cows, make sure Ma's warming the griddle.

I just came to see if Felix is okay.

He just sent me a weird text inviting me to a party.

Are you wearing lipstick?

I was invited to a party.

Who wants cake?

I wish he'd asked me 20 minutes ago.

I just finished a pie.

I'm really starting to get concerned about him.

Emily: Oh, I think I know what's happening.

Felix told me that he hasn't been sleeping well, and so I gave him a sleeping pill.

I told him to only take half, but maybe he needed the whole thing because he's, you know, so much man.

What kind of pill are you on?

And if Felix took a sleeping pill, why isn't he sleeping?

I think that he is.

A lot of people who take those pills, they act like they're awake but they're not.

And later they have no idea what happened.

So he won't remember any of this?

Felix, I used your electric toothbrush to massage my feet.

I got to get a picture of this, or he won't believe it.

Poor guy. I had no idea his insomnia had gotten that bad.

Maybe the divorce is finally catching up with him.

Sprinkles.

This cake needs sprinkles.

(humming tune)

Maybe they're down here.

Emily: Oh!

That's naked. Naked butt.

Well, now it's a party.

Chris Webber is coming by this afternoon for his interview, so ask him about his charity work and being an NBA All-Star...

(yawning)

I know I have a soothing voice, but that is hurtful.

Sorry. Felix was sleepwalking, so I was up all night babysitting.

There is not one hour in the day that guy does not annoy me.

Well, help is on the way.

Per your request, your loyal assistant went to Chinatown and got you some of that special energy tonic you like.

Great. This stuff is terrific.

It's a blend of gingko, goji berries and cobra blood.

It's Dr. Pepper and a packet of fajita seasoning.

(whoops) I'm feeling it already!

Oscar, perhaps you wouldn't mind explaining to me how your foul-smelling athletic costume found its way into my room last night.

It rode in on your back. You were wearing it last night.

(laughs) And tomorrow I shall parade down the Bowery in flip-flops.

That pill Emily gave you made you sleepwalk.

Oh, please. I've never in my entire life... Oh, my good God.

I'd recognize those perfectly symmetrical buttocks anywhere.

Look at this.

Oh, man, you are white.

It's like two aspirins kissing.

I-I can't believe it. I was just stumbling around semi-conscious in the middle of the night?

I know. That's my thing.

What else did I do? Was I also brushing my teeth for hours?

'Cause the battery was totally run down.

Yes. Yes, you were.

Felix, I'm impressed.

Objects in the photo are firmer than they appear.

Thank you. I inherited the Unger butt.

It was the envy of everyone on the Mayflower.

Now... will you delete it, please?

You know what you need? Dani's got this herbalist who makes this great sleep tonic.

It's a blend of kava root and turtle beak.

It's Diet Squirt.

No, it won't work. Nothing works.

The only thing that ever helped me sleep was my favorite pillow, and I... I left it behind when I moved out.

Well, can't you get a new one, he asked, knowing he'd get a long, slow, boring answer?

No, that one was perfectly broken in.

It was as soft as a baby's cheek and as firm as a nun teaching gym class.

Ooh, that's a hell of a pillow.

Why don't you just go get it?

I can't. Last week, Ashley imposed a 30-day moratorium on any contact whatsoever.

No phone calls, no visits.

Why would she do that? You guys are already separated.

I don't know. For some reason, she was under the impression that I was making up reasons to drop by.

It's the 15th of the month; I'm here to check your smoke detectors.

The new Woody Allen movie?

Don't even bother.

I bought too many nectarines.

Do you need nectarines?

Guess who I'm going to be for Halloween?

Frida Kahlo!

The good news is only 22 days to go.

Unless I break the pact, which activates a 15-day penalty phase.

It's a dance.

Felix, do you ever think this little moratorium is Ashley's way of telling you you need to move on?

Why do you keep saying that?

Because I'm your friend and I think you'll be happier if you know the facts.

I'm sorry I'm throwing a lot of truth at you right now, but I got this tonic pumping through me!

The fact is you don't know what's going on with Ashley, I don't know what's going on with Ashley.

Anything is possible.

You don't know, or you don't want to know?

Maybe this is why you're up all night.

I just need my pillow.

(both laughing)

Look at this... with the sepia filter, it looks like an old-timey butt.

Teddy: Now do a slow zoom.

Oh, now it looks like a Ken Burns documentary.

The American Butt.

Guys, put that away.

Felix is exhausted. He's hitting bottom.

That was unintentional, which makes it funnier.

Felix: Well, I'm glad you can all laugh at my pain, because I have not slept in five days.

(screams) Cat!

(exclaims)

Felix, you're hallucinating.

We got to get you that pillow.

I told you, I can't have any contact with Ashley.

Or that cat. I'm allergic.

Well, just go over there when she's not home.

If I don't see her, it's not breaking the pact.

Today's Wednesday. She has yoga on Wednesday.

Great. I'll go with you. We can't have you wandering the streets in an altered state, because... that's also my thing.

All right, I will go change. Don't want to go out looking like a bum.

(chuckling)

Bum.

(British accent): That's British for butt.

(laughing)

Damn it.

Maurice is working today.

If he sees me, he'll tell Ashley.

Just slip him a 20.

No, no, no, no, he hates me.

Ever since I convinced the board to add a cape to his uniform.

You created your own arch-villain: Door-Man.

All right, fine, we'll just go around back and use the service elevator.

And then we'll... do a series of ninja moves to get through the laser field, and the jewels will be ours.

Too much?

You're just lucky I'm too tired to hit you.

Oh, look, I got my second wind.

Okay, here's the drill.

We get in, we get out.

No one can know we're here.

Man: Hey, can you hold that?

Be cool, just be cool.

Is the opposite of what cool people say.

How's it going?

Good. Good.

Good day to be an electrician.

Which my friend and I here both are.

Simple men working hard for an honest day's wage.

I'm Jim.

Friends call me Jimbo.

This fellow here is McTavish.

He's a Scottish gent, isn't that right?

Aye.

Yep, we're all about doing our work, tossing back a few brewskis, and then going home to the wives.

Who happen to be sisters.

And then McTavish here volunteered one of his wife's eggs.

And we were lucky enough to have little Jimbo Junior.

Who technically is my nephew as well as my son.

Whew, that was close.

Yeah, for a minute there, he almost thought we weren't crazy.

My God, will you look at this place.

Magazines haven't been fanned, pillows haven't been plumped.

She's living like a transient.

And she's gonna be back soon. Let's move it.

(gasps)

Ashley's yoga mat.

I thought she had class.

Is she still here?

I don't know.

I feel like we should have hidden before we froze.

(imitates bird cawing)

I think she's not here.

Unless she resisted her natural urge to "ca-caw" back.

(cell phone vibrates)

(sensual music plays)

Teddy put your butt pic to music.

God, it's like two lightbulbs dancing.

Just go grab the pillow, and let's get out of here.

Got it. I missed you.

You're gonna stay at Daddy's house.

What is this?

That? Oh.

Uh, just a photo book Ashley made of our last trip to Bear Lake.

The trip you and I used to take with our wives every single year?

Uh, yeah, that's the one.

Ready? We should skedaddle.

Why is there a picture of you and Ashley and my ex-wife with a guy who's... oh, how do I describe him?... not me?

Well, I don't know.

Perhaps he was the innkeeper.

Or... an aggressive photobomber.

He has his arms around Gaby's waist.

I said "aggressive."

Felix.

Okay, fine.

After you and Gaby separated, she started dating a man named Paolo, and she brought him with us on the trip.

And we're off.

You said you and Ashley went alone, and you clearly did not.

And did he steal this jaw from Superman?!

Oscar, why are you getting so worked up?

You should be thanking me.

For what?

I was sparing your feelings.

You lied to me. You're a liar and a hider and a secret trip taker!

I was trying to be a good friend.

If you were a good friend, you would have been honest with me.

Fine. Paolo was a 28-year-old Brazilian gymnast with family money.

Well, not that honest.

(both arguing quietly)

Great, you got your pillow.

Also known as "Exhibit A" when I use it to smother Felix.

Oscar, you're acting like a child!

Oh, am I?

Why don't you go live with your best friend Paolo?!

Oscar, you shouldn't be jealous.

Gaby and Paolo dated for a month.

This is not about them. This is about you and me.

And you hung out with my ex-wife and some other guy, and you kept it from me.

And you know who does that? A bad friend!

How dare you call me a bad friend?!

Bad friend!

Who's a bad friend?

Teddy: Uh, Oscar, Chris Webber's here.

Oh, hey, Chris. Nice to see you. I'll be right with you.

You're a bad friend because you didn't tell me the truth!

The truth would have destroyed you!

Well, at least I wouldn't have wasted months holding out hope for Gaby and me. I could have moved on sooner.

Who is Gaby?

Oscar's ex.

Very pretty, bit of a temper.

Oscar, I'm tired of arguing.

I'm taking my pillow and going to sleep.

Uh, can we wrap this up? Because Chris only has an hour.

Well, hold on. I want to see how this ends.

You mean the pillow I helped you get because I'm a good friend?

You don't deserve that pillow.

Give me it!

No...

Give me it.

Why is the little guy so troubled?

He's cranky. He needs a nap.

Give me that. Hold it high, Chris!

Okay, Oscar, can we please do the interview now?

Ha!

And with that, I bid you good night.

You got to work on those turnovers, man.

Can we stop with the pillow fights and do the interview?

Yeah. Sorry about that. I got all the questions on my phone...

Oh, no, I forgot my phone at Ashley's place.

Who's Ashley?

The little guy's ex.

What was he doing there?

I know. Right?

Teddy: Oscar, you're leaving?

I have to. If Ashley finds the phone, she'll know we broke into the apartment.

Hang in. I'll be back in ten.

Want to see a picture of a butt?

Yeah.

(both laughing)

Oh, hey, um, McTavish, isn't it?

(Scottish accent): Aye.

I'm glad I ran into you.

I-I got an electrical question.

(Scottish accent): Great.

I'm doing work in 8-B.

Now, if I've shut the breakers off at the source and the floors are running in series, do I have to worry about ground wires in a junction box?

Nay?

Thanks.

(knocking)

(key jingling in lock, laughter)

Ashley: I know.

You know, I'm not crazy about eating with my hands, but turns out, I like Ethiopian food.

Where did you find that place?

I read about it on a blog.

Oh.

I like having a boyfriend who tries new places.

(kissing)

Oh, your place looks great.

You must have one hell of a decorator.

I did.

We're getting divorced.

Take off your coat.

How about a glass of wine?

Sure. I'll give you a hand.

Ashley: Oh, I forgot the glasses.

They're on the bar.

Bill: I'll get them.

Oh, 12-year-old single malt?

Okay if I have that instead?

Ashley: Sure.

I like a man who knows his Scotch.

Oh, nice chair.

(sighs)

Ashley: You like it?

It swivels.

Mm.

Hey.

Here's some snacks.

Come here, you.

(both laughing)

It's good Scotch. Where'd you get it?

It was a gift from my ex's friend, Oscar Madison.

Bill: The sports guy?

I'm a big fan.

Ashley: Well, I have a cure for that: meet him.

You know what? I'm gonna have a Scotch, too.

(lights buzzing)

What's going on?

I don't know.

Oh, you know there was a guy working next door.

Maybe it's an electrical short.

Come on, I've got candles in the kitchen.

All right.

Are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I think so.

Hey, weren't you Scottish?

Wow, you should get checked out, man.

Oscar.

Felix.

Where's Chris?

He had to go. Nice guy.

Finally someone noticed how clean I keep the top of the refrigerator.

Where did you run off to?

Oh, nowhere. Just an errand.

I thought you'd be sleeping.

Yes, I thought so, too, but the pillow didn't work.

I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never sleep again.

Ah, cat's back.

Listen, I was a little rough on you this afternoon.

Of course you're not a bad friend.

You don't have to apologize.

Yes, I do.

I mean, if I heard or saw something that would utterly destroy you, who knows what I would do?

I'd probably just keep it to myself.

No, you would not, because you are a true friend, and you've taught me the importance of honesty.

From now on, we tell each other everything.

That is a great idea for a New Year's resolution.

January first, truth, truth, truth.

No, no, no, this cannot wait.

As friends, if we don't have honesty, we have nothing.

The world outside can be cold and deceptive, but in here, we are in our sanctuary, safe in the knowledge that we will always...

Ashley's dating someone.

You are dead to me.

What? You told me to be totally honest.

Well, I-I don't know what I'm saying!

I haven't slept in five days!

And how could you know Ashley's seeing someone?

I left my phone at her place, and when I went back to get it, she was with a guy who drinks Scotch and really likes to spin.

I can't believe it!

Yeah, it's like the guy never saw a swivel chair.

Ashley's seeing someone.

I'm sorry, buddy.

I know what you're going through.

It hurts.

Oh, God, it's really over!

But at least you're not in limbo anymore.

You don't have to t*rture yourself or wonder what's happening.

Because now that you know for sure, you can pick up the pieces and start your new life.

Now, that's got to be some kind of relief, right?

(snoring)

Felix?

(snoring)

Sleep well, buddy.

Felix: Morning.

There he is. We started to get worried.

We ordered Chinese food, and we're completely out of cash.

Oscar, you are a good friend.

Thanks to your strong dose of reality, I slept like a baby.

A baby whose apartment was ransacked in the night.

Oscar thought he could buy my forgiveness for the Chris thing with a pizza and a six-pack of cheap beer.

Hmm.

He was right.

Morning, Felix. How does it feel to be a celebrity?

What do you mean?

Oh, I may have uploaded your butt to my Instagram.

What?!

Oh, don't worry.

No one'll know it's you.

I'll know!

Teddy, that is an invasion of my privacy!

You got 134 "likes."

Oh, really?

And some very positive comments.

"Nice booty." "Cute buns."

"Boy, I'd like to take that sweet bubble-butt and..."

Well, that's just not appropriate.

That's... that's...

Look at this.

HotMama281 has requested that I... and I quote... "Shake that cake."

(laughs)

HotMama281?

That's my wife.

Obviously, she doesn't have a type.

Why is she commenting on another man's cake when she got cake at home?