01x10 - Enlightening Strikes

[bunniefuu]

Hello, Oscar.

Felix, I hate that I'm used to this.

Observe.

After weeks of practice, I have successfully mastered the salamba sirsasana.

By rooting my power deep into the earth, I become an immovable tower of strength.

Aah!

Oh!

And gracefully transitioning into plow.

Thank you, Felix. That was a highlight to an otherwise crappy day.

What happened?

I'm crossing 71st Street and some moron in a hot dog suit shoves a flier in my face.

Oh, yes, I know him.

He's a very persistent wiener.

Anyway, I finally take it and throw it in the trash, but because nobody picks up the garbage in this stupid city, it just falls off the top of this trash mountain and lands in the street.

I get a ticket for littering, and the hot dog goes free.

Well, the hot dog could never go to jail.

He'd be eaten alive.

Really?

Nothing? You're in that bad of a mood?

I'm just so sick of New York.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna move into a cabin in the woods.

Yes, and marry a sexy survivalist and smoke your own jerky.

You say that every few months.

I mean it this time.

I'm through with this city.

You know what you need is an uplifting urban experience, and I have just the thing.

If you say "paddle boating" again, so help me God...

No, no, of course not.

Not when the swans are breeding.

Right.

No, my yoga instructor, Dante, has asked me to fill in for him at his next class.

I didn't know you were good enough to teach.

Oh, yes, he said, and I quote, "If you know so much about yoga, why don't you teach the class?"

And then he called me "smart guy."

I like this Dante.

Yes, that's the problem; everyone does.

He can't be a good teacher because he's too busy being Mr. Popularity.

Well, you're not gonna have that problem.

So, what do you say?

Well, let me think it over for a second. No.

Oscar, your loss.

I really, really wish you would expose yourself to new things.

Whoa!

You are exposing me to enough right now!

Oscar, with a little bit of practice, you could do this.

Felix, if I could do that, I'd never leave the apartment.

So, ever since I retired from baseball, I've been getting offers to do endorsements and stuff, and since you do such great work for Oscar, I was hoping you could represent me.

Oh, I thought it might be something like that.

Great. This Norwegian company wants me to endorse a new sports supplement.

It's called, uh, Fjelltrakter.

It's supposed to... (in bad announcer voice): ...enhance your performance and give you that extra burst of energy.

Okay, we're gonna get you an acting coach. - Right.

But if this stuff makes me look like you, I'll take some right now.

Well, it's medicine, Teddy.

It's not magic.

Hey, I only take crap like that from clients.

So sign here and initial there.

Magic, that's hilarious.

Okay, I have a double cheeseburger.

Uh-huh.

A chicken sandwich.

Uh-huh.

And a loaded baked potato.

And none of that is what we ordered.

Again?

(groans) Sorry.

What can I get for you?

Oh, great.

You're all at the bar... bright and early.

I will be teaching a yoga class tomorrow, and I would love it if you could all make it.

If it isn't too much of a stretch.

(chuckles)

Yeah, yoga's not really my thing.

Guys, yoga changed my life.

You might be surprised to know this, but when I was going through my divorce, I was a bit of a wreck.

You're kidding.

You? Come on!

Yes, yes.

No.

Thanks to yoga, it helped me face my demons and emerge a calmer, stronger man ready to let go of my marriage and move on with the next chapter of my life.

Really? You're moving on?

Like, dating and all that?

I mean, you never actually said dating, but I think that we all just assumed.

I mean, you're a human with needs and desires.

Yes to yoga.

Great, Emily's in.

Murph, what do you say?

I guess I could.

I did a little yoga... teacher once.

Got Murph. Teddy?

Well, my wife wants me to stay home and watch The Notebook tomorrow, so I'd say yes to an hour of being punched in the face.

I really look forward to teaching you, but fair warning, I plan on doing lots of hands-on adjustments.

Ooh, (chuckles) no problem.

Just grab me and go for it.

It's been a long time since I was... adjusted.

Run, Oscar, move your skinny ass.

(panting)

I got to quit smoking.

You don't smoke.

Then I'm really out of shape.

Now, remember, to get out of your littering ticket, you have to walk into that courtroom with respect.

Keep a positive attitude.

Stupid court, stupid cop, stupid city.

Just a little ray of sunshine, aren't you?

Oh, step aside, stale urine.

We have a winner in the subway smell contest.

Oh, is it bothering you?

I'm so sorry.

(saxophone playing)

Oh, fantastic.

Dinner and a show.

Could you do that in a different car, please?

Who made you king of the subway?

You just spit vindaloo all over my shirt.

Okay, some of that was already there.

Can't I just get from point "A" to point "B" without the music, the spitting and the making out?

Do you not see the ad for teenage pregnancy up there?

Oscar, calm down.

I'm not gonna calm down until I'm off this train and away from all these idiots.

(brakes squeal)

Son of a...

(playing louder)

How long are we talking here, half an hour?

Well, the flier said 90 minutes.

With a nap in the middle?

Is that what that mat is for?

I'm gonna need some of those endurance pills.

How many should I take?

Let's see, uh, between fjorten and, uh, keveld.

So, you just did your hair and makeup.

No heels?

Shut up.

I just came from a thing.

Was it a meeting with your john?

Have you guys seen Felix?

Class should be starting.

It's not like him to be...

Felix: Join me, fellow travelers, as we embark on a voyage of self-discovery.

Please welcome your spiritual captain...

...Felix Unger.

(whooping)

Where's Dante?

Okay, Dante is at his cousin's commitment ceremony in Paramus.

So I have the privilege of teaching you today.

Okay.

A couple of good spots have opened up, uh...

Now, as some of you may know, I recently went through a pretty painful divorce, but it was yoga that got me through it.

It got me out of my spiral, let me release my anger and become the totally centered man you see before you today.

Will Dante be back next week?

It's my belief that you haven't really practiced yoga unless you've had a cathartic emotional breakthrough.

So hold on to your chakras, 'cause it's about to get namaste-y up in here.

We will dive in with a pose that tests both your physical and your emotional strength, yoganidrasana, aka the human pretzel.

That's not how Dante starts the class.

Okay, Steve, as we've established, Dante isn't here today.

Joke's on him.

I have the parking validations.

DRIVER (over P.A.): Sorry for the inconvenience.

We are...

(static)

...electrical fire...

(static)

...up to 30 to...

(static)

...patience.

We're working to...

(feedback squeals)

Well, that clears that up.

Looks like you're gonna miss your court date.

So I'm gonna have to pay the fine?

This is a $200 train ride.

Thanks, New York.

Stop complaining.

New York is the greatest city in the world.

No, it's rude, obnoxious and dirty.

And I know that also describes me, but it doesn't mean I want to hang out with it.

You take this place for granted.

Me, growing up in Ohio, I used to see New York in movies and on television.

It looked so exciting.

I remember the first time I saw that Billy Joel video.

Now I'm living that video.

I'm the Uptown Girl.

You can't afford to live uptown.

'Cause I got a cheap-ass boss.

But it's still the greatest city in the world.

Come on, people, back me up.

(groaning)

I pay two grand a month for my apartment, and I got a bathtub in my kitchen.

Mr. Tr*mp's got his own bathtub.

Must be nice.

Does that ever end?

I got mugged in the park yesterday.

Why were you at the park?

Were you with that whore Donna?

Mind your business.

Mind my business?

Okay, okay, come on, you guys.

You're forgetting about all the great things that could only happen in New York.

Driver: ...will now last at least...

(static)

...please don't panic...

...giant snake...

(static)

See?

That would never happen in Ohio.

And starting out in downward dog, checking to make sure that your weight is balanced, your hands are shaped like little turtles and your toes are laughing.

So, turtle hands, laughing toes and lower chaturanga.

What the hell are turtle hands?

This is harder than I thought.

It might help if you take off your shirt.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, that's helping.

Ingrid, roll your tongue back up.

And now we will rise up into warrior two.

So press your weight forward, your spine is breathing, soften your eyes and give your kidneys permission to dance.

F-Felix, am I doing this right?

Uh, yeah.

Uh, not bad, just, um, activate that quad there and square your hips like so.

Ah, yeah, that's it.

(chuckles) I mean, is that it?

Hey, I love your accent.

Where's that from? Like, Wisconsin?

More like Norway.

Ah! Really?

I'm about to become the spokesman for something called Fjelltrakter.

Fjelltrakter.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you experience a problem with the penis?

What?

No. No, why?

Fjelltrakter means "mountain maker."

It, uh, gives the struggling man an erection.

Are you kidding me?

No, she is not.

Murph, Teddy... focus, please.

Now, everyone, we will rise up and let's stretch out our hips for eagle.

Oh, hell, no.

Okay, and we'll cross our right leg over our left, bring your arms up together and press them.

Press them together nice and tight.

Very, very good.

And... ah.

Everyone, attention here on Emily.

Because this is a perfect example of what not to do.

Your spine is straight, your chin is tucked, and keep those buttocks even.

Feels like they are.

Hmm...

How many people think Emily's buttocks are even?

Right one's definitely higher.

Thanks, Murph.

That's not how Dante corrects people.

Okay, I wouldn't know, Steve, because he's never had to correct me.

Um, Teddy, do you need some help getting up there?

No, I'm good.

You sure?

Don't touch me!

So if voodoo isn't real, then why'd I k*ll all those chickens, huh?

What did you ask him?

I didn't ask him anything.

What is with these people?

I'm telling you, it's New York.

It's a melting pot of people who are too crazy to live anywhere else.

Come on, somebody's got to have some love for this town.

What about you, kindly gentleman? Tell us your story.

Well, I was born and raised in the Bronx.

Spent 40 years on Wall Street to support my passion.

Which was...?

Flashing.

I... I-I'm sorry?

I was a flasher.

Doesn't anybody remember flashing anymore?

What's wrong with you people?

Everybody's so busy looking down at their fancy iTelephones, swiping and-and typing, they don't even notice an old man who's willing to expose his private parts to you!

I hate this town.

This is hard.

Can we take a break?

Good idea.

Maybe turn off the lights and everybody close their eyes?

Come on, that is quitter talk.

What is this, Pilates?

People, when things get tough, this is when we dig down deep and find our hidden reserves of strength.

Okay, wow, looks like Tonya is done digging.

Somebody's already found enlightenment.

And doesn't want her parking validated.

Now, then, let's rise up into tree.

And...

Where's Murph?

I think he's invading Norway.

Why is everybody leaving?

Well, maybe you could try to make the class a little more fun.

Than it already is.

'Cause it's so fun.

Hey, you know what, everybody?

It's time to try an original pose that I invented, something I like to call the "Double Felix."

(students groan)

Dante doesn't make up poses.

Well, I'm not Dante, Steve, and I can do whatever I want.

Okay, Emily, front and center, please.

Oh. Okay.

And we start in prasarita, your legs spread wide and your fingers splayed...

Sorry, sorry.

Had to take a call.

I'm guessing it was a booty call?

And now we will gracefully press on through, rising up into headstand like a giant bonsai tree.

Wouldn't a giant bonsai tree just be a regular tree?

As long as the tree is silent, Steve!

Teddy, please, show a little bit of effort.

Look at Ingrid over here.

Nope.

Bad idea.

Okay, now, and raising your feet up into the heavens.

Higher.

Okay, no, except higher.

Okay, higher.

They can't go any higher.

Not with that attitude, they can't.

Murph, back on your own mat, please.

And there is that wandering buttock again.

Hmm.

Where is it going?

Does it have a plane to catch?

I'm sorry. This is really difficult.

Impossible.

Yeah, it's hard. - Yeah.

Terrible.

Really hard.

I'm sorry. If you're not going to try, what is the point of even being here?

Good point.

That was sarcasm.

And these are my uneven buttocks wandering out the door.

Okay, okay. So nobody wants to try and stay and do the hard work.

Okay, well, here's a pose that you're all going to love.

It's called the moving donkey.

Oh, yeah? Well, how does that one work, bro?

You get your asses out of my studio!

How long are they going to keep us waiting?

Why is there no air?

And what exactly is so fascinating about my cleavage?!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's happening here?

You're supposed to be the upbeat one.

And I'm the cranky pain in the ass.

You're upsetting the balance of nature.

You're right about this city.

It's crowded and dirty, and everybody is just out for themselves.

No, it's not that bad.

The Big Apple!

Huddled masses!

Not Los Angeles!

Rat!

(screaming)

Oh, my God!

It looked right at me!

It's coming back this way!

(screaming)

That's it! That's it!

I'm moving back to Cleveland.

The apartments are bigger and the rats are smaller.

You're not going anywhere.

All right, listen up, New Yorkers.

That rat's gotta go!

Cleavage Guy, give me your umbrella.

Stinky Food Lady, give me your stinky food.

Inappropriate Couple, harness all your sexual energy to get that door open.

What can I do?

You just sit there with your coat securely fastened.

Ew! Ew! Ew! It's moving! Ew! Ew!

Ew! Open the door!

There it goes! Close the door!

(cheering)

And that's how we do it in New York.

(train rumbles)

(cheering)

(playing "New York, New York")

(sighs) Oh, Teddy.

You're still here.

I couldn't leave.

Oh, bless you and your tender heart.

Mm-hmm, yeah, that's it.

You've really taken to that pose.

I can see why.

It's very powerful.

I really messed this up, Teddy.

I just wanted to share something I love with people and have them do it exactly the way I thought they should.

Nothing's wrong with that first part.

But as for the rest, I'll tell you the same thing I'd say to a woman who wants to cut her hair short: no one wants that.

I thought that yoga had made me this calm, enlightened person, but I'm actually the same demanding perfectionist I was with my ex.

And I drove my students away just like I drove Ashley away.

I'm so...

What's the opposite of enlightened?

Unenlightened.

Right.

Doesn't have the gravitas I was hoping for.

Well, Felix, you can't change overnight.

But at least you're trying.

As a wise man once said, when things get toughest, that's when you find your strength.

Keep digging. You'll find it.

Well said, Teddy.

There's no magic pill to make you grow.

(chuckles)

I wonder if there's a pill to make you shrink.

Ah, well... ah... should we go?

Uh... Yeah, okay.

I think I'm ready.

Are you done?

We've got Cardio Strip Tease at 6:00.

Oh, come on, man...

Everyone, we've had quite an afternoon.

We boarded this train as strangers, but we'll exit a band of brothers... led by a quiet hero.

Man: You know what?

You are a hero.

Because you reminded me why I fell in love with this city in the first place.

Aw.

In fact, you've inspired me.

New York, I'm back!

You realize you are wearing pants.

Damn it!

Give me a minute!

Let's go.

Come on, be a sport!

I can get them down now!

What are you looking at?

(knocking at door)

Oh, Emily.

Hi.

I'm so glad you're here.

I want to apologize.

Yes, I got your message.

And the flowers.

And the picture of the goat that you gave to that African tribe in my name.

Forgive me?

(chuckles)

So, did you buy goats for everyone in class?

No. Just you.

I'm not made of goats.

(laughs)

Well, thank you.

And if you ever teach again, I would love to come to your class.

Well, we can finish the class now if you'd like.

Okay.

Uh, fun.

Uh, would you like to do a partners pose?

Sure.

Great.

Uh, begin in downward dog.

I hate that I'm used to this.

Oscar, how was the courthouse?

We never made it.

Spent the afternoon stuck on the subway.

Oh, no!

Actually, it turned out to be a classic New York adventure.

I took a photo.

They were the sweetest, nicest...

Damn it!

One of those bastards stole my phone!

Shall we?

Oscar: I hate this city!

Every time you give this town a chance, it kicks you in the teeth!