01x04 - Sweet Melissa

[bunniefuu]

Previously on The Last Man on Earth.

I do.

I do?

I thought this whole marriage thing was just gonna be an absolute disaster, but it's surprisingly tolerable.

Whoa!

Aah!

Hello?

Hello in there?

Are you okay?

Uh...

Phil!

Wait, is there someone else in your car?

Can't get my seatbelt off.

Oh... (chuckles) She's fine.

(Carol screams)

Oh, my God!

Oh, yeah, uh, Carol, get out of that truck.

(laughing): There's another person on Earth.

(Whoops)

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.

Are you okay?

I just, uh, banged my knee, I think.

Well, here, put your arm around me.

Come on, we got to get away from this car.

Carol: I can't believe you're here. Phil, can you believe it?

There's another person.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Come on, let's get in my car.

Shotgun!

Wh...

Phil?

I called it!

We'll just go over here. It's fine.

Hey, how you doing back there?

Oh, I'm great. Would you believe this is my first ride in a limousine?

I feel like Imelda Marcos back here.

I'm Carol, by the way. That's Phil.

Hi.

I'm Melissa.

What brings you to Arizona?

Oh, you know, the unbearable heat, lack of water.

See, that's the exact reason why I wouldn't want to come, but...

No, I saw these billboards that said "Alive in Tucson" so I decided to give it a sh*t.

Those are Phil's.

Oh, yeah? You did those?

That was a really smart idea.

Mm. I mean... whatever. (laughs)

I wish you would have put your address on them, though.

I've been here two weeks, just driving around.

Wait, y-you've been here for two weeks? So you were here before me? That's funny.

Yeah, Phil, you should've put your address on the sign.

Yup. Should've done that.

That's okay, though. Couple days here, couple days there.

What would have really been different?

Yeah.

Except you could have been a guest at our wedding.

Oh, you... you guys are married?

I mean...

Yup. Tied the knot.

(Clicks tongue)

Well, wait, you've known each other, like, a week, right?

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah. You guys don't mess around.

Yes, we do.

Carol... We had a awkward patch at first, but, oh, we have been really jelling lately. It's not uncommon for us to finish each other's...

That's a cool function.

So when Carol says marriage...

Sentences.

The-the little window went up.

Did you guys see that? Ha.

Yeah, we're literally in the honeymoon phase.

We're trying to have a baby, so you know what that means... nonstop...

Oop! The window's going up again.

Wait, am I pushing <i>the window? I'm not pushing it.</i>

So, uh, this is Chez Phil.

Wow.

Holy crap, is that<i> Water Lilies?</i>

Yup.

It's stolen.

Phil stole all of this.

Well, is it really stealing if there are no people left?

That's what I said.

Well, I could really use some rest. Where should I stay?

Well, you should probably stay right here, right?

You know, it's probably good to have somebody watching over you in case you got a concussion or something.

I-I don't have a concussion.

(chuckles) That's what people always say when they got a little concush brewing.

I definitely don't have one.

Think about it.

(clears throat)

S-So can I just take any house? Or...

Well, this one's Phil's.

And mine's the one across the street with the broken door.

Because...

Phil broke it.

I'm gonna fix your door, Carol. (laughs)

Well, he's not very handy, so I'm not gonna hold my breast.

Breath.

Why would I hold my breath? I would die.

Ca hold your breast?

Oh. No... It's "holding your breath" because there's danger if you hold your breath.

I wouldn't. That's what I'm saying.

So the house with the broken door is yours.

Yeah.

But every other one is available.

I would avoid the white one, because Phil uses the pool as a toilet.

Carol...

What? It's the truth.

You know... she just got here. It's...

But the toilet pool's the first thing you showed<i> me.</i>

But... Yeah, but you don't have to tell her, you know, the...

Okay, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have put Phil's business out on the streets.

But don't go swimming in there.

I'll try to resist the urge.

Yeah.

Thanks.

You go have yourself a good snooze, okay?

And when you wake up, why don't you drop by for dinner?

(gasps) Dinner's a great idea.

Oh, yeah. You come, too, Carol, sure.

I still can't believe this. This is...

Never thought I'd see people again.

And you two sure are... you know... people.

Come here.

Oh.

Hey, I want to get in on this.

Carol (laughing): Okay.

Mm.

Mm.

Okay, that's my limit, probably.

Okay. All right.

Thanks.

She's nice. I like her.

Yeah.

And voilá. There you have it: The world-famous Pilbasian casserole.

So what-what's in that?

Well, you got your raisin balls, canned tomato sauce mint chutney and then potato chips for mouth feel.

You want to try some?

Yes.

Okay. Let's get all that tomato sauce and then... Mmm.

It's a juicy one.

Oh.

Mmm.

Uh-huh. I knew you'd love it.

Mm-hmm.

(laughs)

Phil, what's taking you so long?

Phil: Be right down.

He's probably deciding between his cargo shorts and his sweat pants.

I'm predicting cargo shorts.

But you never know with Phil.

Could be sweat pants, too. I don't know.

Hello, ladies.

Phil Miller. What's gotten into you?

I don't know what you're talking about, Carol.

Just coming down for dinner, as I do.

So you got rid of the beard.

Yes, I did.

Thought that was kind of cool.

You did? Oh.

Yeah, your chin is... too pointy. You just need something to smooth it out.

And you feel the same... way about that?

Yeah, you look smaller.

Weaker.

M'kay... (anxious chuckle)

Who do you look like?

Quentin Tarantino.

Uh, okay, yeah, yeah. I don't see that, but...

K.D. Lang, isn't it?

Oh, K.D... It's K.D. Lang.

K.D. Lang, the-the female country singer?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Well, I like it. (chuckles)

Well, you don't have to look at it.

(wry laugh) I guess I don't.

Uh, shall we eat?

(smooth jazz quietly playing)

So, uh... tell us more about yourself.

Who is Melissa...

What's your last name?

Shart.

Sharp?

Shart.

Shart.

Beautiful name.

So who is Melissa Shart? What makes her tick?

Well, I grew up in Akron.

Ohio.

Yes.

Yup. And then went to UNLV.

Go Runnin' Rebels.

Yeah, that's the mascot.

I know it well. I know it well.

Our mascot was St. Peter.

I went to a Catholic university.

He was fierce.

Mm-hmm.

Go on. Go on.

Well, I was a real estate agent.

So if you're looking to move, right now's a buyer's market.

That's very funny.

That's a good joke. (laughs)

No, but it's been weird. It's been hard.

No, no, no. I know. We shouldn't joke about that.

But we have to laugh about it.

Best medicine. Got to laugh.

Got to joke about it.

Yeah.

Phil: Yeah. Hey, I-I just want to apologize for smashing up your limo.

I feel just awful about that.

Oh, don't even worry about it. I don't care about that thing.

You sure?

Now, if had been my old VW Bug, we would've had a problem.

Wait, you used to have a VW Bug?

Yeah.

I used to have a VW Bug!

You did?

Yeah, I did. (laughs)

That's such a fun thing to have in common.

Yeah.

Couple of Bug owners here.

Yeah.

Which one did you have?

(laughs)

Okay, well, full disclosure, it was actually my buddy's sister's Bug.

And it was a... a Jetta.

But, uh, God, I logged some serious hours in there.

Love those things.

Great cars.

Yeah.

So, uh, Melissa, were you married in the old world?

Yes, I was married once to a jerk named Greg.

Cheated on me with a cop.

Friggin' cheaters.

I'm so sorry you went through that.

No, it was all for the best.

Yeah.

He wasn't my type anyway.

And what is your type?

Just a man's man. A provider.

Duly noted.

Um...

Oh, uh, for... Carol, you know?

Trying to make myself a better husband for that woman.

Melissa: And you should.

'Cause Carol, you seem like a really great lady.

Thank you.

Well, and I-I think Greg's crazy, because you, Melissa, are a catch.

Like, a Moby d*ck-sized catch.

Moby d*ck?

Try Moby Double d*ck.

Well, I'm gonna get to bed.

Thank you, dinner was...

Thank you.

Walk you home?

I'm good.

How about another group hug?

Rain check.

(laughs)

Well, I'm gonna collect.

Believe you me.

Like a tax man collecting hug tax.

I will collect.

So, you ready to take the train to repopulation station?

Without your beard, you're like a whole new man.

It's like I'm cheating on my husband.

Which I would never, ever do.

Yeah, uh, look, I'm sorry, Carol, I-I really don't feel like it tonight.

I think I ate something that didn't agree with me.

Oh.

Is it diarrhea?

Carol, can we please not talk about this?

Phil, I'm your wife, and I want you to know that you can always tell me about your diarrhea.

Carol...

You can, and I'll tell you if I ever have it.

It's part of the deal.

It's why people get married.

So they can tell each other stuff like that.

Carol, look, I don't have diarrhea, okay?

My stomach is just upset.

But I promise you, as your husband, the moment I have diarrhea, I will march on over to your house and tell you all about it.

And I look forward to hearing about yours.

Promise?

I promise.

(quietly): Okay.

Hey, Phil?

What?

Are you attracted to Melissa?

Honestly?

No.

Okay.

(kissing)

(snoring)

(knocking on door)

Melissa (whispers): Phil!

Come here.

I want to show you something.

(laughing distantly)

(distantly, echoes): This way.

♪ ♪

(giggles)

Hi, Phil. Guess what I have?

Starts with a "D."

(laughing, toilet flushing) <i>Diarrhea.</i>

(Phil screaming) <i>Diarrhea, diarrhea, diarrhea!</i>

(screams)

(whimpers)

(Phil exhaling repeatedly)

Phil: Come in.

(exhaling)

Oh, hey, Melissa.

What can I do you for?

Can you come with me?

Yeah, hang on one sec.

(grunts) Almost done with my set.

Got to get those reps in. Ha.

(straining): 391...

392... three-ninety...

(grunt) ...three.

(groans)

393... that's my number.

Let's do it.

So, what is this?

I don't know.

Must be from the Volkswagen fairy.

No biggie.

You know, I felt bad about the limo and so I made right.

That's how I do.

I'm a provider like that.

You really don't have to do that.

I don't do things 'cause I have to.

Carol: Phil!

Can I see you for a second?!

Sure, Carol!

Anything for you!

So devoted to her.

Phil!

I said I'm coming, Carol!

You shouted?

You bought Melissa a car?

Yeah, Carol, I smashed up her limo.

So you have all the time to do that, but you couldn't take the time to fix my door?

Carol, this door is broken in a way that cannot be fixed.

Okay, it was broken from the start, so maybe it's time to think about moving on.

Phil, when something's broken, you don't just throw it away.

Okay, you work on it and you fix it.

Fine, Carol.

I'll fix the stupid door.

Fine. Fine.

Fine!

Fine! Fine!

Fine! Fine!

(yells)

Locked in a pretty serious battle with Carol's door.

Gonna pop down to the hardware store, uh, pick up some supplies, gonna get some two by's, some four by's, nails for sure.

A Wilson Phillips head screwdriver...

A what?

A Wilson Phillips head screwdriver.

You mean a Phillips head screwdriver.

Wilson Phillips was a band.

(laughs)

They named a band after a screwdriver.

Cool. Well, uh, catch you on the flippity.

Pick up a shirt while you're at it.

Carol: <i>Yeah, so,</i> that's the wedding scrapbook.

Wish there were actual picture.

But... (chuckles)

I like the illustrations. Thank you.

Yeah, I took a class from a police sketch artist once.

His drawings led to the capture of the Green River k*ller.

Well, it really shows.

Hey, I was wondering, why don't you and Phil live in the same house?

He likes to have a little buffer.

But why? You're his wife.

Well, to be honest, we only got married to repopulate.

I didn't want bastard children.

And I got to give him credit.

I mean, he could've walked away.

Most men would probably think I was crazy for wanting to be married.

Do you think I'm crazy?

Carol, no.

Do you know how I've spent the last year of my life?

I've been driving around the country going to different coffee shops.

Just sitting there, reading old magazines with my little cup, and I'd write my name on it and misspell it.

Just to feel normal.

Well, I'll go have coffee with you.

I'd like that.

Wh... Is that me?

Yeah.

I just got here yesterday.

Oh, yeah, that's one thing they teach you in the class.

You have to sketch fast or the k*ller could k*ll again.

Right.

Yeah.

(hammering in distance)

How's it coming?

Oh, hey!

It's going insanely good. It...

(laughing): Insanely good.

Yeah, it looks like it.

Well, there's an easy fix for that.

You know, you just throw a little nail in there, like so.

(laughs nervously)

I got my thumb there.

Are you okay?

No, I'm good. I'm good. I'm doing great.

(laughs) And how are you doing?

I was just wanting to invite you and Carol over later, if you're free.

I hooked up my fridge to a little generator and have some beers chilling.

(laughs) Well, that'd be great.

Uh, you know, I'll definitely pass that on to Carol.

(stifled grunting)

(yells)

It's too bad Carol couldn't come.

Yeah. Diarrhea.

She takes a lot of chances in the kitchen.

But, uh, don't mention it to her, okay?

She gets real embarrassed.

Can I confess something to you?

Yeah, of course.

When I first met you guys, I liked Carol immediately, but I was a little... unclear on you.

Un-unclear in what way?

There was a weird... weird energy at first.

(gasps) What?

(laughs)

That's, uh, crazy. What?

But then I talked to Carol and she told me more about your situation, and I realized, I might've... you know, just... misjudged you, so-so I'm sorry.

Yeah, you misjudged me 'cause I'm not...

(chuckles) That's weird, you were unclear on that, but...

I said I was sorry.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm saying thanks for saying it.

It takes a big person to be so... to say sorry and that was... that's a cool gesture and, you know, especially when you're wrong like that.

Um, so...

Hey, cheers to that, though.

I'm so happy that you misjudged me and think I'm great.

(chuckles nervously)

Oh, I need to get another beer.

You want another beer?

Well, pretty tipsy already, but why not?

(laughs) One more beer.

One more won't k*ll me.

(sighs): God.

Two years.

Such a long time.

Yeah.

I get so lonely, you know.

Yeah?

I guess it's just that I'm... and I really hate this word, but there's no other way to say it, I'm horny.

I'm so horny, Phil.

Hmm?

I mean, after something like this happens, you realize how necessary it is to be... you know, just touched and held and kissed.

I would saw off my right arm to make out with a dude.

I would, too. I would, too. It's natural.

You know, that's why I'm so happy for you and Carol.

(stammering): No, but...

I mean, I know that it's not perfect between you guys, but at least you have each other.

Yeah, but I mean...

And I respect that.

But God, I just want to get laid.

(sighs)

Sorry, that was inappropriate.

No, no, no, no.

I shouldn't be talking to a married man like that.

No, no, no, no, no. Don't b*at yourself up about that.

It's just my luck, the only man left on the face of the Earth and he's married.

He doesn't have to be.

What?

(chuckles nervously)

I got to go have a quick talk with Carol and I will be right back.

(laughs)

Carol!

Coming in!

(grunting)

Carol. Hi, Phil.

I have something really important I need to talk to you about.

Okay, hold on just... just putting the finishing touches on this project.

I really need to talk to you about this marriage.

And... done.

I think you're really going to like it.

It's for my door.

Oh, no.

Home of Carol Pilbasian-Miller.

Look, Phil, I know it can be an annoying job at time to fix the door, but I thought this could help.

It's just a reminder that I'm rooting for you and I believe in you, 'cause I'm your wife.

And I know fixing the door may take time, but I believe that one day you will fix it and that door will be magnificent.

(sighs contentedly)

Um, wh-what did you want to talk about?

I have diarrhea.

Thank you.

Yep.

Phil, you know the door symbolizes our marriage.

I know, Carol. I know.