01x11 - The Politics of Human Sexuality

[bunniefuu]

[###]

I booked a sketch artist, an improv troupe, and a laser projecting a burning pelvis onto the ceiling.

A laser? Well, this isn't gonna be your mother's sexually transmitted disease awareness fair.

[BOTH GIGGLE]

You've been quite the little helper, Annie.

STD fair, guys. Catch knowledge.

You think you're better than me? No.

You stick to quoting movie lines, ill stick to sports.

Trying to reduce my referencing. Well, you're not moving into sports.

You and I are playing real basketball, right now.

Sounds fun. No, it doesn't.

And it won't be.

Annie: Catch knowledge. Sorry, not interested in ignoring your very important cause.

Hi, I'm Jeff Winger.

Oh, Sabrina is my new secretary.

Secretary is a little degrading to women.

I help the dean do office-y things.

Oh, gender saved.

My casual friend and I are gonna have a non-romantic breakfast if you'd like to join us. Cafeteria's closed.

Fortune cookie?

Pelton: Isn't it great?

Greendale is the latest campus to catch a case of public-health fever.

You know the toilets in the women's bathrooms don't have seats, right?

Because they keep getting stolen. Sabrina, take a note.

I want hidden cameras in every stall.

Problem solved.

"You will get AIDS." Flip it over.

"Unless you go to the STD fair."

I wrote that.

Congratu... Horrible.

See you later.

Catch knowledge.

[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYS]

Jeff, you and I are friends, right? Okay.

You may have noticed a recent change in my demeanor.

I haven't. Well, I have a new girlfriend.

She is super-smart, if you know what I mean.

I always know what you mean. Can't wait for you to meet her.

You know, when you catch a big fish, you wanna stuff her and put her on the mantle.

How about tonight? I doubt it.

Troy and I played basketball. It's fun. Don't gloat.

It's impossible to guard you. Your eyes are too gentle and mysterious.

Hey, guys, Jeff and I are double-dating tonight with my new girlfriend.

Both: Ooh!

You got that from "I doubt it"?

Pierce has got a girlfriend.

That's great. What does she do?

She's an escort.

Oh.

Some mysteries solve themselves.

No, no, no, that's just her profession. She doesn't escort me.

No, no. I met her in my Marketing class.

And I'm taking Doreen to Annie's mixer tonight.

You mean the STD fair. Catch knowledge.

Taking a call girl to an STD fair? There's a joke here.

So, Jeff, dust off that black book and rustle up a honey, huh?

Is there a pill that makes the word "no" clearer?

Well, it is pretty short notice. Probably couldn't get a date anyway.

Both: Ooh.

I'm sure you're right.

Both: Ooh.

Maybe it has something to do with crabs. They're like a food but also a disease?

I wonder, Jeff, for all your feather flashing, when was the last time you actually scored?

I don't know the precise date, Pierce, because I'm not you.

So there's no receipt.

Ooh. Ehh.

Oh, come on.

Shouldn't take pot sh*ts at some woman because you can't get a date.

I can get dates any time I want.

What is this, some kind of joke? No, this is.

"Don't eat the crab dip." Yeah.

[###]

Ahh! You hear that, Annie?

That's the sound of STDs screaming, [IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] "No, stop being so aware of us."

[BOTH LAUGH]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] And it's all thanks to you.

I was voted "most likely to succeed" at my rehab clinic.

Well, in recognition of all your hard work, I have decided that you should conduct the condom demonstration.

You're gonna be center stage showing everyone how to put a condom on a, uh...

Well, what my dad called a Jimmy Carter.

Um, I don't know if I'm the right person.

Don't worry. Not a real one.

No, it's an anatomically correct model, you know.

But trust me, eyes closed, you can't tell the difference.

Mmm. Okay.

[WHIMPERS]

[###]

[PHONE RINGING]

Hey, it's Jeff Winger.

Well, I wanted to see what you were doing tonight.

Do I know your name?

What kind of question is that? Of course I know.

Well, if I answer now, you'll never learn a valuable lesson about trust, Jennifer.

Crap. Ugh.

Pierce really got to you, huh?

It has been a dry spell. But it's been a while since ive tried. So I'm trying.

Yeah, I can see that. This is a lot of outgoing calls.

"Car Wash Redhead."

"Tube Top R.E.M. Concert."

"Juror Number 6." That sounds above board.

At least you have "Mommy" in here. That's not my mom.

Dude, not cool.

You saying "dude" is not cool.

What are you doing?

[PHONE RINGS]

[BRITTA CHUCKLES]

"Hot Blonde Spanish Class"?

You're welcome.

This is the phone book of a man in his 20s.

The women literally have no identities. It's pretty shallow.

You're right.

I can't believe I haven't seen it before now.

Whatever. I'm gonna go study with Shirley.

Well, ill be here, rethinking my way of life.

Mm.

[###]

Call "Mommy."

Guys, I have a problem.

The dean wants me to demonstrate proper use of a condom at the stupid fair, by putting one on a mannequin's stupid thingamabob.

It's a big honor but I'm gonna screw it up.

Well, it's easy enough to practice. Britta, do you have a banana?

This is an anatomically correct model I'll be handling.

Real whatchamacallits are nothing like bananas.

Are they?

Have you never seen one? Shh!

Annie, being a virgin in this day and age is something to be proud of.

You're like a unicorn.

I'm not a unicorn.

I had relations with my high school boyfriend.

We did it to Madonna's Erotica on the floor of his walk-in closet.

But he wouldn't let me look at it.

He cried after and during.

He's gay now.

[WHISPERS] I think he was gay then.

So you never seen one when you were growing up?

Like, you know, on the Internet, in a picture, or Harvey Keitel's?

I've caught glimpses but ive never got a real good look at one.

What I need to do is practice on the actual model.

But the dean has it locked in his office.

Okay, that's easy. We'll go to him, ask him if we...

No. This is really embarrassing. I don't want anyone to know.

I just wanna figure out how to do it and get it over with.

The dean is counting on me, and I want him to know that I'm someone he can trust.

We have to break into his office.

I actually have no problem with that. I think I could do that.

[CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Oh, hello, Jeffrey. Hi, Pierce.

I was just going into the fair to wait for my smoking-hot date.

That's nice. How about you?

Were you ever able to, you know, come up with a date?

No, no, because I didn't try, because taking a date to an STD fair would be lame.

Don't worry about it, kid. You're going through a dry spell.

From my experience, they don't last any more than 12, 13 years.

Excuse me.

No gonorrhea, please, please, please.

No gonorrhea.

Ow! It burns.

Oh! That's gonna hurt. Gross.

Dean, your assistant, is she single? What are her likes and dislikes?

Yes, on single. She likes hip-hop and horses.

Dislikes beards and... Yeah, I was done talking.

Is it me or are horses the most beautiful creatures?

They're so majestic. Totally.

Just this morning, when I was shaving and listening to the new Jay-Z, I was thinking how I wanna squeeze in a gallop this weekend.

Do you own a horse?

Can you ever really own a horse?

Jeff: Pierce. Yeah?

This is Sabrina.

Thirty seconds after you walked away, I asked her to be my date and she said yes.

You must have a great personality. Thank you.

Congratulations, Jeff, you proved me wrong. You got a girl.

Yeah, I did. Oh.

This is Doreen. Ready for our double-date?

Yes, I am. Wait, how'd you do that?

[###]

Is this the best safe-sex fair or what?

Ha-ha-ha! Check out these condoms.

All along the side it says, "Greendale."

Exclamation point, my idea.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Wow. Me, in a dune buggy, with syphilis. This is going on the fridge.

Heh, heh. Look how gorgeous Doreen is tonight.

Hey, can we...?

Let's lay out our plans for the evening.

You wingman me, I wingman you.

Maybe we split up for a little hoo-ha and then meet in the morning for eggs and details.

That sounds like the worst combination plate ever.

Thanks. Argh!

I can't believe you b*at me again.

Do you want my stuffed animal? Gah!

We're arm wrestling.

Like Stallone in Over the Top. I don't know the rules. Don't I need a semi-truck and a son?

The rules are, "You suck." Let's go.

Uh, I wanna wait for a more inspiring song. This score isn't right.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

There we go.

[PEOPLE LAUGHING]

[YELLING]

Oh, my God.

You broke my hand, you bastard.

[###]

I can't do anything with this.

No, let me see that.

Oh, I can see through the door.

[BRITTA AND ANNIE GASP]

Oh, yeah, there she blows.

I wanna see, I wanna see. Shh!

Okay, go, go, go. Go ahead.

[BRITTA AND SHIRLEY GIGGLING]

I'm the one that needs to see. Okay, okay, okay.

It's okay.

Oh, boy.

[SNICKERING]

Oh, I had it wrong.

Is that considered large?

Oh, no. Yes.

[GASPS]

What in the reverse Porky's is going on here?

You know, Doreen speaks six languages.

You should hear her order wine in French.

Hey, honey, say, "cabernet sauvigonenon."

Pierce, you're embarrassing me. You know a lot about wine?

Well, I did have a client who owned a vineyard in Napa.

He was into S&M and merlot so we called it S&M&M.

Honey, you're boring the crap out of Jeff.

Be right back. I have to make tinkles.

Well then, I'm gonna go get us another round.

You know, you are not what I expected.

You're smart, you're classy, you're not wearing go-go boots.

They're in the shop.

You know, despite what people think, I actually spend most of my time talking.

As men get older, they wanna spend time with someone they can have a real conversation with.

That is going to suck. "Going to," Jeff?

Come on, Sabrina's cute, but she thinks that Monty Python is the evil snake from Harry Potter.

Trust me, I know girls I can converse with who are way more annoying.

I will take "tinkles" over "we need to talk" every time.

Hey, babe.

Ready to show me that Lexus?

I thought you'd never ask.

Doreen, it was very nice to meet you.

You can do better.

Here.

Oh, they already left? What a couple of nincompoops.

Before I buy dinner, I have to ask.

Is there any lovemaking on the table?

We're through, Pierce.

I'm gonna go to the bar and you can join me if you'd like.

And we can still have a lovely evening, but it will cost you 200 bucks.

That is a pretty big discount.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

I had no idea alcohol would make people horny.

It makes me sleepy. I don't...

Dean? Yeah.

We have a 597 currently going on in your office.

597? There's a dog-fighting ring in my office?

No.

Okay, I'm just gonna turn him around and we're gonna cover him up.

Okay, ladies, I am shocked at the reverse Porky's that has happened here.

I don't see what the big deal is. Annie needed to look at the model of the pen...

Okay, the P-word has entered into play.

That's exactly why I wanted Gayle, our school counselor here, and Monique, who's keeping record, to ensure we discuss these sensitive topics in a legally appropriate manner.

I think everyone should say "penis" so we can take away the negative power of the word, yeah?

So everybody.

All: Penis. She didn't say it.

Now why did you break in to see the penis?

Wow, I really do feel more comfortable saying that now, Gayle.

I just wanna focus on the girl who won't say "penis."

[###]

This is a judgment-free zone, so express yourself.

You know what?

I don't want to express myself.

I don't wanna sit in a room full of people and say the P-word.

I like being repressed.

I am totally comfortable being uncomfortable with my sexuality.

And maybe, just maybe, if everyone were a little more like me, we wouldn't have to have an STD fair.

Britta: You go, girl. That's my pumpkin.

Mm-hm.

By the way, now that ive gotten a good look at one, I don't see what all the fuss was about.

A giant thumb in a turtleneck. Whoop-dee-doo!

[###]

[KISSING SOUNDS]

[SABRINA MOANING]

You have a really awesome body. You probably hear that all the time.

Not as much as I should.

[GIGGLES]

Ohh. Professor.

What?

I'm not a professor.

But you're at Greendale and you're old.

I'm a student.

Yikers.

Yeah. It's pretty much yikers for me too.

Well, I guess I can make an exception, professor.

[GIGGLES]

You know, I can't do this.

What?

But this is your car.

Keep it. But...

[###]

Yes, yes, yes.

How do you like those apples?

I don't like those apples. I'm so upset.

It was just a fluke I won those other games.

Troy.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Wow, this may be the only STD fair to actually spread STDs. Ha, ha.

Shut up, Ben.

Man: Condom water balloon fight!

[LAUGHING]

What the hell?

Dude, these are leaking.

Ho-ho-ho! Oh, my God.

That's why you don't print things on condoms.

Everyone's getting preggers and it's all your fault.

[###]

Oh, man.

Troy, all the condoms are faulty.

As the best athlete on campus, I need you to run to my office and make an announcement before everyone leaves.

Dean, I am not the best athlete on campus.

Abed is.

I know you let me win the race. But you didn't say anything.

That's because I wanted it to be true.

You're a really good friend. No, Abed.

You are. For the love of God, run.

Okay.

Troy: Go, Abed, go.

Before people sex one another.

[###]

There he is.

Back already. Detail time?

I stopped.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I mean, she's hot.

I think this place is sapping my life force.

Oh, it's not Greendale, Jeff, it's you. You're becoming more mature.

A man reaches a point in his life where he stops looking for a place to hang his underwear and starts looking for a place to hang his hat.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was waiting for that to become inappropriate or r*cist.

What happened to Doreen?

Oh, uh, she said if I wanted to continue, I would have to pay.

Oh, man, that is rough.

No, it was a wake-up call.

Doreen is a very special lady. I did not treat her right.

I have stuff to work on, you know?

You'll get there.

We're both gonna get there.

Here's to being better men.

Cheers.

So can I borrow 200 bucks?

Tell Doreen I say hi.

You know, for 220, I can get...

I'll give you 250 if you don't finish telling me.

Now I can get it twice.

Ah, college. Best years of our lives.

[THE FRATELLIS' "WHISTLE FOR THE CHOIR" PLAYING]

Oop.

[MICROPHONE SQUEALS OVER PA]

Abed [over PA]: Attention, Greendale students.

Don't use the condoms.

If you're going to have sex tonight, don't use condoms.

"The characteristic of an acid to donate or accept a proton" cannot be quantified for individual species.

Comparing two donor-acceptor systems, "the proton transposition HA plus H2O..."

Abed? Yeah, Troy?

Can you get me a glass of water?

Sure.

Thank you, Abed.