01x07 - The Move

[bunniefuu]

Danny, quick warning...

Nicki will be here any minute, and things are about to get pretty crazy in here.

If things are about to get pretty crazy in the bedroom, does that mean that this is gonna be the first time that Nicki ever sees you completely naked... not even socks?

I have very cold feet, so I do that for her pleasure.

This is the first time that Nicki came to visit since she moved, you know?

And I have to get off to a great start, so what I'm gonna do is, when she gets here, I'm gonna grab her and make love to her.

You know what? That's actually really confusing because you literally just said you wanted things to get off to a great start, so, hmm...

Hey, man. You know what your problem is?

You're making this all about sex, okay?

But you actually love Nicki, all right?

And, yes, I think that love is an emotion created to sell greeting cards and chocolate-covered candies and, in some cultures, a chicken.

But you can't greet Nicki like this.

You look like a dude just waiting for sex.

Are you really trying to help me right now, or are you just messing with my head?

Why can't it be both?

[Door opens]

Justin? Justin!

[Chuckles]

Oh.

Okay. I don't want...

I don't want to have sex.

That... that... that came out wrong.

I do. I-I... you know... you know me.

[Both chuckle]

But, you know, I also love your brain, and I want to... you know, I want to get to know your brain. Just...

Okay.

Baby...

Yeah?

Did Danny mess with your head?

Yeah.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

I just want to throw you over my shoulder and carry you into that bedroom, throw a pair of extra socks on those icicle toes of yours, and just get crazy.

Holy moly.

Uh...

The way you said that was so sexy, I think I just finished.

Oh. Oh. What the...

Oh! Hey. All right.

All right.

Danny: All right, now. Here we go. Come on.

Justin: Okay. We are going.

[Deep voice] This week on a very special "Undateable"...

Not that special.

[Normal voice] I just wanted to showcase my amazing dramatic voice.

[Deep voice] Stay tuned.

Hey, there's our girl.

Hey!

[Chuckles]

Oh, my God! Oh!

Ohh.

You guys, I can't breathe.

Oh. She's all right.

[Chuckles]

By the way, Bursk, that boob you grabbed was mine.

Hey, uh, so, you finally decided to stop carrying Justin around our, uh... our house, huh?

Oh, mark my words...

I will find a girl who can do that to me.

And I will put a ring on it.

I'm gonna use your office to, uh, call my mom.

Okay, sexy?

Okay. Hypothetical question that's not about me in any way.

Let's say, uh, this guy and his girlfriend have sex, and his girlfriend does some amazing things that she's never, ever done before.

Uh, do you think that the hypothetical guy should, uh, freak out?

Relax. Nicki told me that she read something sexy in a magazine that she wanted to try.

Okay.

Hey, man.

So what? Nicki upped her game.

Whatever. Good for her.

It was a little scary.

Good scary or bad scary?

It was terrifying.

Uh-oh. Somebody's thumb went somewhere.

Hey, lucky for you, I got a move that's, like, so crazy good that I'm gonna tell you about, but you got to be insanely flexible, okay?

Just like "The Karate Kid," part of your body waxes on while the other one waxes off, okay?

I literally fear for Nicki's life while you do it.

Yeah, well, you know what, Danny?

You know what?

I don't need your move because I can...

I can do it, too.

I don't need that move.

Huh?

You look so ugly.

What?

Justin won't tell us what you did in bed last night, and I got to know.

Well, I think you broke Shelly.

If a girl ever does that to me, I'm-a buy her a ring, too.

Have you got the money to buy all these rings, Shell?

I didn't say it'd be a nice ring.

I can make Leslie cry in six words.

I can make her cry in five.

What the hell are you guys talking about?

Well, every month when I'm hormonal, they see how quick they can make me cry.

We've taken nature's miracle of the female reproductive system and made a bar game out of it.

Yeah, the current record is four words...

"soldier dad's surprise homecoming."

He was dressed as Santa, and his daughter sat on his lap and said, "all I want for Christmas is my daddy," and he said... he said...

[voice breaking] He said, "daddy's here."

[Sobbing]

Girls and their crying... it's so lame.

That's why I'm staying single. [Chuckles]

Yeah, that's not why you're single.

Shell, when was the last time you cried?

Oh, this morning.

I saw a one-armed boy walking a three-legged dog.

God, I love Detroit.

Whatever. I haven't cried since I was 5.

And that's not gonna change 'cause y'all are a bunch of wimps.

I will make you cry.

See, you're emotionally constipated.

And I'm gonna be your all-bran diet.

Hey, man, can I talk to you?

I changed my mind.

I want to know your move.

Did you just stop having sex so you could come out here and talk to me?

Yes!

You don't know what it's like in there.

I mean, she's putting moves on top of moves.

Now she's flipping around the bedroom.

It's like a damn Cirque du Soleil show in there.

You know what? Lucky for you, I thought you might want the move, so I drew up a diagram that explains exactly how...

Hey, man. No.

Maybe you can't have the move right now.

Maybe you were dismissive about the move earlier, and maybe right now the move doesn't want to hang out with you.

Stop talking about the move like it's a person.

You know what? The move doesn't like your tone.

All right?

Apologize to the move.

Move, I'm really sorry.

No. Unh-unh.

No, 'cause here's the deal...

I came up with the move when I was in Italy, all right?

So...

[Italian accent] You're gonna have to use an Italian accent to apologize.

[Sighs]

[Italian accent] Oh, boy.

Move, I feel-a so bad.

No, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. More Italian.

I want you to get your hands up like this and do it like this-a.

This is how-a true Italians talk... like this, like they... like they're holding a little, tiny mouse right here.

When you apologize, apologize to the tiny mouse.

Oh, move-a...

I feel-a so bad.

Make the mouse super tiny. It's too big.

You need to hold a little mouse that was just born... a tiny, little baby mouse.

Oh, boy.

Move, I-I... so... so sorry, move.

And it's... I'm just... it's so...

[normal voice] What the hell am I doing?!

Just give me the move. Ah! Got it.

[Normal voice] All right, take the move, man.

Thank you.

Okay.

Ohh.

Hey, hey, just be smooth, huh?

No problemo. [Chuckles]

Baby, you were so amazing last night.

Aww, come on, girl. It's you know how I do.

She's complimenting him, right?

But, like, it's my move that I told him about, so, in a lot of ways, last night...

I was Justin's penis.

Yeah, I've had dreams about being another man's penis.

And I always wake up just before they put on the condom 'cause it feels like I'm being suffocated.

Hey, sweetie.

We should celebrate like obnoxious dudes before these idiots do it first.

[Deep voice] Yo, girl! You tap that fine piece?

[Deep voice] Aw, hell, yeah. I crushed that ass.

Boom!

Come on. We want details.

What was so special about last night?

Uh, you know, funny you should ask.

Love. Love.

Love was what was special. Love makes everything better.

Unless you're talking about Courtney Love.

That bitch ruins things.

I know you like to take credit for everything, but...

You can't tell Nicki that you... you gave me that move.

But then how's Nicki gonna know that I gave you the move?

She won't.

Ever since we, you know, met, I've always thought, like, Nicki was out of my league, you know?

And, please, promise me... promise me you won't say anything.

Fine.

Ah, I still don't know what got into you last night.

[Chuckles] Well... [High-pitched voice] I do.

I've shown you every sad video on the Internet, even the one where the lion remembers his owner.

How are you not crying?

You heartless bastard.

Shelly: That's it. I'm going nuclear.

It's time for a story called "Little Shelly's medical problem."

You see, when I was 6, I had what doctors described as a big-ass head.

And due to my top-heaviness, it was hard for me to even stand, so they got me a helmet to protect me during my many falls.

Mm-hmm.

And it arrived just in time for my first day at my new school.

Oh, my God. I can't hear this.

All my classmates gave me cruel names like "helmet Shelly" and "big head Shelly."

They weren't creative people.

And I thought it couldn't get any worse...

Until Halloween.

You see, my parents had to design my costume around my helmet, so I went as Detroit Lions legend Barry Sanders.

And it was awesome till I saw three older kids dressed as the Chicago Bears.

Mike Ditka pushed me down, stole my candy and, for a while, my short-term memory.

And I just laid in the mud, unable to get up, again because of the top-heaviness...

Just wishing I had a friend.

What are you doing?

I'm making a Shelly doll.

Oh, my head's too big! [Chuckles]

Bing!

This is your captain speaking.

Welcome to Justin Air, uhhhh.

Nonstop flight to pleasure town, uhhhh.

Approximate flight time is, uh, 17 minutes.

[Chuckles]

Oh, wait, babe. Babe.

Should I feel super slutty that I just come into town to visit and all I want to do is fool around?

Like, should we do something else?

Do you want to, um, go to a museum?

No, I-I hate that idea, too.

Just make me feel better about this.

Of course we're all over each other. We're in love.

And I like that you're a little slutty.

Pause. No, I don't mean, like... like people would pay to have sex with you.

Nobody would pay...

Not... not that nobody would pay to have sex with you.

I mean, people would do that.

I could go to Craigslist right now and get 20 guys right over here that just...

I'm sorry. This is your stewardess speaking.

We've encountered some unexpected turbulence.

[Sighs] I'm sorry. I'm an idiot.

No. No. You're not an idiot.

I love you.

Oh, good.

Mm.

Just promise me one thing.

Do "The Danny."

"The Danny"?!

Yeah? I heard my name. You guys call me?

Oh, uh, you guys are having private time.

Boom!

This is your real captain speaking.

You're welcome.

I cannot believe you told Nicki.

All right, whatever, man. She just pried it out of me.

How did it even come up?

She was walking around our house all smiling, so I was like, "you're welcome," and then I told her everything.

Um, quick sidebar... does the move work on men?

Of course, man. The move doesn't discriminate lifestyles.

You just have to ask it nicely.

Okay, um, hi, move.

Oh, I was in Italy when I created the move.

[Italian accent] So you have to ask it in a nice-a Italian accent.

[Italian accent] Excuse-a me, move?

Yes, yes, just like that... like you're holding a tiny mouse and talking to the mouse.

Excuse-a me, move.

Hey, hey.

Right now, maybe the move is-a busy with someone else.

You have another customer, so you...

What can I do, move?

What can I do?

Maybe sing to the move. Maybe do a singing to the move.

Really? You want me to sing?

Please sing-a to the move.

[Singing Rossini's "Largo al factotum"]

All right, all right! Stop it!

None of this!

You guys are nuts!

You and the little Italian and your move.

I mean, could you just knock it off?

Do you have any idea how much it sucks to have your girlfriend say Danny's name in bed?

Well, that just means that she's been with Danny, so you know she's got to be a beautiful Bella.

Babe, I am so sorry about, you know, what I said.

Oh, no, no, no. Go ahead. Share it.

Everybody talks about my sex life.

Why not just put it all out on the table?

Why don't I do that for us, okay? Hmm?

Why don't I do that? All right?

I've been with 4 1/2 partners.

Half?

What'd you do? Fall out and bang her couch?

Who raised you?

Couldn't just do me a solid, could you?

I-I asked you not to say anything.

Wait a minute. You knew it would upset him if you told me that it was your move, but you did it anyway? Why would you do that?

[Normal voice] Okay, can we all just totally admit that the only reason why anybody ever does anything for anyone else is because they want to take credit for it afterwards?

Why are you all so quiet right now?

Oh, that's what you do when you're in the presence of a psychopath.

Every time I think I can count on you, you prove me wrong.

What are you talking about?

[Sighs] Just forget it.

Yeah, I'm with you, babe. Let's just forget it.

And don't worry... I'll never do "The Danny" again.

Oh, let's not get crazy just 'cause we're upset.

We can't believe that you're just sitting here and that you don't feel bad that you ruined Nicki and Justin's weekend.

Whatever.

I just took a little credit for it, all right?

It's not like I pulled a Tyler Perry and called it "Danny Burton presents Justin pleases his girlfriend."

I'd never see that movie, but a lot of my family members would.

Come on, man, we all... we all know Justin feels like Nicki's out of his league.

Yeah, you know Justin feels insecure.

Sorry.

See, uh, being insecure is when you doubt yourself and your abilities.

That's so sad.

Is that a real thing people have?

Brett: Yes.

And that's why I'm yet to wear my European bathing suit here in the States.

You always put yourself ahead of your friends' feelings.

Oh, I don't like that about myself.

That makes me feel really... in-secure?

Nope, that's not what it means.

Is... in-csecure dancing alone at a bar mitzvah?

If I'm at a supermarket and I realize while I'm in the middle of the line that I didn't get turkey and I need to go get turkey and I leave the line, is that insecure?

Maybe we could just invent our own move, and we'll call it "The Justin."

Oh, yeah? What's that gonna be, huh?

I have the most beautiful girl in the world over for the weekend, and instead of making love, I get self-conscious and make banana bread?

The banana bread's almost done, by the way.

I just feel so stupid, you know?

"Get Nicki to leave so I can fix what's bothering you.

"This way, she'll never know it was me that fixed it, and I won't be taking the credit."

Whatever, man.

It was a great plan until you ruined it.

I'm gonna give you guys a minute.

Look, man [Sighs] I want you to know that this whole "doing things for other people" thing... it's all new to me, all right?

But I'm trying to get to a point where taking the credit doesn't matter, you know?

And it's like just earlier, uh, I was at Starbucks, and, um, I put a dollar in the tip jar when the barista wasn't even looking.

Granted, I-I waited till then he turned around again, I put in another dollar in the tip jar, and so he saw it, and he was all like, "thanks for the dollar," and I was like, "well, actually, it was $2

'cause I did it once when you weren't looking," but whatever.

Progress, right?

No.

All right, man, I'm... I'm...

I'm not gonna let you ruin this weekend because you're... What's the word, again? In-secure.

You're not even the kind of guy who should be in-secure.

Why are you saying it like that?

Insecure.

In-secure.

Okay, so you don't... you don't think I'm, like, this overemotional, you know... sensitive crybaby?

Baby bird.

Of course I do.

But I'm not a woman, okay?

And all those things that disgust me about you... those are all the things that women like.

Like, you know, all the oversharing and the sensitivity and the puppy-dog eyes.

Yeah, those, man, okay?

Look, all those things are what make you the ultimate catch.

No one's out of your league, man.

Nicki's amazing, but...

You deserve her.

Thanks, man.

Is everything okay out here?

Are you feeling better?

Yes, I feel good.

Yeah.

And I didn't even say anything.

It was all this guy.

That's so good. Justin, I'm so proud of you.

It was all me.

Hey, Danny, your hair looks majestic today, bro.

Danny, go do it right now.

Come on, man. I don't want to do it.

It makes me feel in-secure.

Go do it.

[Sighs]

Hey, Bursk, um...

I just want you to know that, you know, maybe you're not the most awful person in the world that ever lived.

No, it didn't work.

Ah-ah-ah.

Wait for it.

This is the greatest day of my life.

Thanks man.