01x10 - Daddy Issues

[bunniefuu]

Guys, I know what I'm gonna do for my birthday.

Just got off the phone with Nicki, and she's driving down, and not to give away too many details, but there's gonna be a naughty-nurse costume involved.

Cool. What's, uh, she gonna dress as?

You may not believe this, but I'm pretty good in bed.

'Cause Nicki and I did a little sex survey in one of those weird magazines that she likes.

She gave me a 9.

It was an average of a 7 for performance and an 11 for enthusiasm.

Whee!

Shelly actually filled out one of those surveys last week, but accidentally answered the girl questions.

Turns out female Shelly is a real sloppy ho.

All right, anyway, so, she's coming down, and I was thinking that maybe we could close up the bar and, uh, drink with my real family... you guys.

No gifts, though.

Personally, that's a huge stress-reliever because you're really hard to shop for.

I mean, you have, like, all the khakis.

[Laughs]

Hey, a white wine, Les?

Oh, yeah.

Well, I guess there still is some valuable real estate left in Detroit.

Certainly is a beautiful view.

Hmm.

Sorry. Which one of us are you talking to?

I'm talking to this young lady right here.

Young? Really? Mm.

Quick, you guys...

Do I like I've taken a shower recently?

It looks like it, but you smell like you used beer instead of water.

Sweetie, you look like Beyoncé on show night...

Fierce.

Fierce.

Mama's going in.

[Clears throat]

I don't know why that guy seems so familiar to me.

I mean, he looks like I want to fix him, but also strangle him at the same time.

Dad?

There he is.

What... what the hell are you doing here?

I was headed to Chicago on a gig.

I wanted to swing by for my son's birthday.

Well, if we're giving out hugs.

[Giggles]

Oh.

Leslie.

Okay, this is... this is a nightmare.

Just...

Danny: All right, now. Here we go. Come on.

Justin: Okay. We are going.

♪ Oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪

Big finish! ♪ Undateable ♪

Uh, nobody can see you doing jazz hands.

They know.

[Laughter]

Uh, what are you guys talking about?

Uh, the night you were conceived.

We're all... we're all grown-ups here.

Am I right? I can tell this guy knows his way around the rodeo.

Well, if by rodeo, you mean sex...

[Chuckles] Um, uh, no, unfortunately.

Uh, I don't.

So, what's next, dad, huh?

You gonna tell everybody how I used to run around in mom's high heels when I was a little kid?

Dude, I used to practice making out on my Hugh Grant poster, and you had a gayer childhood than me.

Ha ha ha.

Okay, if we were all in a fire together and we're wearing heels, I'd be the only one to get out safely.

Uh, baby bird, if we're ever both stuck in a place that's on fire and wearing high heels, just, you know, let me die.

You know what, dad?

Why don't... why don't you just go back to my place, okay?

And, uh, I'll be there in a while, and we'll grab dinner.

I got it. Yep. The old man's embarrassing you.

Understood. It's okay.

It's nice to meet all of you.

[Clears throat]

He seems like a pretty cool guy.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, he left me when I was 13 years old.

I see him once a year now, tops.

I mean, I've told you this like a million times.

I know, but I have like a million fake-listening faces.

H-here's one.

Oh, uh, this is the one I do when you talk about musicals.

Ooh.

But you want to know what sucks is that I actually know how selfish he is, but he's so good at hiding it from other people.

Look, just do me a favor...

Don't let him charm you.

All right, well, I think it's too late for Leslie.

I gave him a little side boob in that hug.

God, this is the day from hell.

I just got hit on by another married guy, and my quads are still on fire from pilates.

Well, somebody call 911.

We got ourselves a white-girl emergency.

A what?

You know, a white-girl emergency, like if you forgot to Instagram a picture of a cupcake.

[Laughs]

Yeah, or if your DVR didn't record "Scandal."

Oh, I'm sorry.

Am I just some crazy girl complaining about nothing?

Yeah, now you get it.

Okay, gentlemen, save yourselves.

God!

I mean, I'm not some kind of chronic complainer.

Back me up, Leslie.

Sabrina, I am one of your oldest friends.

And... ?

I got nothing.

Ooh!

I don't care what you think.

Waiting tables is very difficult.

Oh, no, no. Sometimes you have to handle a beer or, "oh, no, pretzels!"

You know what?

I am gonna flip this coin, and if it is heads, then you will cover my shifts for the rest of this weekend, but if it's tails, you will never hear me complain again.

Oh, that's worth the risk.

Yes!

Damn it!

All right.

[Clears throat] Oh, oh, quick tip...

You get a lot more money if you squish your boobs together.

Hey, there he is! I wanted to cook you a meal.

Danny and I went shopping.

Glad to help, Frank-o.

Oh, my God, he charmed you.

Baby bird, I can't be charmed by anything that doesn't have breasts.

Will you watch my sauce? Got to make a quick call.

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

Yeah.

We're making sauce and all that.

Okay, maybe he charmed me a little bit, okay?

But in my defense...

Stop, okay?

You don't know how many times he's let me down.

Stop making the listening face!

Look, I have a very perfect system when it comes to my dad, all right?

He cruises into town, we grab a quick dinner, and he's gone the next day.

This way, I don't give him a chance to disappoint me.

Do not mention my party.

Okay, well, what if I have a hypothetical question for you, then?

Danny, I want you to look me in the eyes right now and tell me that you did not ask my dad to stay.

I didn't ask your dad to stay.

Great news... I'm gonna be able to stay through the weekend for your birthday thing.

In my defense, I have absolutely no problem looking into somebody's eyes and lying.

I've never had sex in your bed.

So, Danny tells me you have a serious girlfriend.

What's she like?

Nicki? W... uh, yeah, she's great.

That's all you're gonna say?

I mean, she's way out of his league.

Most people think that she's a doll that he purchased from the Internet.

You always did swing big with the women.

Remember when you were 12 and you asked out Barb, our middle-aged neighbor, to your eighth-grade dance?

I was like the coolest kid in school.

And then I realized how lonely Barb was when she tried to invite me to Hawaii.

[Laughter]

Ha. What am I doing?

Hey, dad, you remember that time when I was 15, and we... oh, you know what?

Never mind. You weren't there, so...

Kiddo, I-I know we're not close.

I want that to change. What can I do?

You could build a time machine and go back and teach me how to use a condom so mom didn't have to do it.

Oh, yeah, she taught me in front of the whole eagle-scout troop, yeah, with a banana that she ate afterwards.

And you want to know the saddest part of that story?

Uh, well, you know what?

I was gonna say that it was that you were an eagle scout, but it's got to be the fact that she ate the banana.

Look, you're welcome to my party, but don't act like you're a new guy.

I'm sorry, man.

I'll... hey, I-I'll talk to him, you know?

It's just, you know... it's hard because he comes from a broken family.

He... you probably already know that.

Yeah.

My fries?

They're coming!

Dude, this is half full.

I got thirsty.

I'm running my ass off here, man! Damn!

Here's your chicken tenders, ma'am.

Well, I-I didn't order these.

Oh, well, congratulations.

You just won the chicken-tender lottery.

[Gasps, giggles]

Come on, man.

W-w-what's the point of letting your dad come to your birthday party if you're not gonna give him another chance?

Why won't you drop this?

Because I'm all about fathers and sons, okay?

Y-you remember that movie "Field of Dreams," when Kevin Costner finally sees his dad again, and then he picks up the glove, and then...

[gasping] No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

What is it with you and that movie?

I'm a man, and it makes every man want to connect with his dad.

Hey, dad.

Yeah, it's Brett-Brett.

Yeah. Still gay.

Look, I'm not gonna let my dad suck me in, okay?

'Cause, eventually, he's gonna bail.

When was the last time you really gave your dad a chance?

Look, I really think that your dad's trying.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, this is the first time in years that he's actually remembered my birthday.

Okay, great. See?

And it would be nice for him to meet Nicki.

Of course it would.

You know, there's actually a f... a few great things about him.

I mean, he taught me to love musicals.

I mean, that's not one of the great things, but I'm with you.

Okay. Yeah, I'm in.

I'm gonna give him a second chance.

Okay, great.

Yeah.

You got to feel good about that.

Yes! I'm excited that he's coming.

[Cellphone rings]

Oh, awesome.

Okay. We got this.

Ohh, yeah.

He just texted me. He's not coming.

This looks like a bad time, but where the hell's table two?

I can't believe your dad just took off again.

You and me both, buddy.

I-I wish somebody would've seen this coming.

Are you kidding me?

That's what I've been saying the whole time.

What... [Sighs]

Shelly, I need a drink.

I'm on break.

Hey, man, look, I get it. You're mad at your dad.

Oh, I'm not mad at him I'm mad at you.

You got me to care again.

This is your fault.

You actually don't need to att*ck me, baby bird, okay?

Because this is all my fault.

When I realize something's all my fault and there's no way I can win an argument, I don't fight fair.

It's true.

I taught him the fine art of arguing like a woman.

I... why?

Why did you have to get involved in this, Danny?

I don't know. How come you borrowed my brush and you actually never gave it back to me?

What does that have to do with anything?

We're talking about my dad.

And why are you talking down to me?

Why are you doing that?

Because it's... is it because I didn't go to college?

You think I'm stupid? You're hurting my feelings.

I'm not trying to hurt your feelings.

If you're not trying to hurt my feelings, then what should I do? Just shut up?

Maybe I should never say anything ever again, ever.

Maybe that's what I should do.

I'm... I'm sorry if you feel th...

How are you winning this fight?!

Stop it! Look!

If you had just stayed out of this, then my dad would've just left, and I'd be fine.

[Grunts]

Aw, come here! All right? I love you.

What are you doing?!

I know that I hate hugs just as much as you love them, but I'm not letting go until you tell me what I have to do to make you not mad at me anymore!

I don't know, man! Just...

Come on! Stop squirming!

I mean, this is kind of nice.

We definitely have to find a healthier solution to this.

I suggest that we just, like, drink very, very much.

Brett, fire up the whiskey, huh?

Justin: Oh, no, no, no. I'm gonna get drunk, but I'm not doing it with you.

I'm gonna get drunk alone, like a man.

Brett, break out the butterscotch liqueur.

I really don't know how this is gonna fit on my bike rack, but...

[Clears throat]

Attention, bar.

Due to the stress of this job, I may or may not have smoked some marijuana... and forgotten everyone's order.

So, feel free to line up in the kitchen and take whatever you want.

We are out of the following items...

Meats...

Cheeses...

Breads.

Did I mention I may or may not have smoked some marijuana... and forgotten everyone's order?

So, please line up in the kitchen and take whatever you want.

[Slurring] Hey, what the heck?

You're not pizza. You're Leslie.

Great. You're drunk. Where's Justin?

[Chuckling] Hello, I've been looking for him for like so many minutes, man.

[Clears throat]

Yeah, hey, Leslie, uh, uh... Leslie, I have a question for you.

Do you... do you believe in magic?

Uh, sure. It's possible.

Yes! I knew it.

I knew that it was possible because... oh, God. I...

I was saying that magic could be real, but then... and then, uh, Frank comes along, and Frank is like, "uh, no, magic's not real," and I was like, "okay, so you don't believe in magic, and you're rude... being really rude to your son.

Strike two, Frank."

W-w-what's up?

Are you okay?

Yeah, I feel okay, but you know what?

You... hey, you want s... you want the rest of this?

Psych. It's a trick. It's all gone.

You know, it's like I feel okay on one hand, but then on the other hand, I feel so guilty because, uh, I feel like it's all my fault.

Hey, what the heck? Where have you been?

[Slurring] In my room.

Did you fall asleep in a coat?

I couldn't find my blankets.

Any more questions?

Don't talk to him. Why would you talk to him?

He... this whole thing with my dad is his fault.

Yeah, whatever, "Fargo." It's not my fault.

Well, actually, you just said it was your fault.

Hey, shut up. That was so long ago, it was like practically June.

Les.

Both: Leslie. Hey, Les. Les.

Oh, my God! Stop! Both of you!

You're ruining alcohol for me, and that's all I have left.

You want to know what sucks the most?

Yeah.

That every... every time my dad bails, I-I never get to say what I-I want to say.

What do you want to say?

About what?

Right! Well, I just wish I could let him know, you know, that it's not his loss... it's my loss.

[Chuckles]

No, flip 'em.

It's not my loss, it's his loss.

That's what I want to say, just to his face, just one time.

Like to say that.

I'm gonna go to bed.

Uh, I'm gonna throw up, though.

'Cause I throw up when I drink too much...

And when I'm sad, so that's two for one.

Does it bother you that he just went outside?

Hello. No, he has a coat on.

Ohh, guys, I said no gifts.

Ohh, yeah, but your real friends know that even when you say no gifts, you're supposed to bring a gift.

I'm just happy all you are here.

That's the best gift I can ask for.

Frank: Come on, put me down, man! Damn it!

Here, get him over here, over here, over here.

[Grunting]

What?

I thought you left.

I was about to, and these maniacs kidnapped me.

Danny, what did you do?

It's a team effort.

Danny said he needed a, uh, wingman, and... He asked me.

That's because nobody else picked up the phone, but whatever.

I get it. You drag me here so I can tell Justin how bad I feel for taking off.

No, no, no. You know what? Hold on a second.

This actually isn't about what you have to say.

This is about what Justin needs to say, but never gets to.

Okay? So you're gonna listen.

You know what? He's right.

Dad, you know all those big moments that you left and bailed on me, well, you should know something...

It's not your loss. It's my loss.

Nope. Flip it.

Damn it!

Phew.

It's not my loss. It's your loss.

'Cause guess what... I'm happy. I'm actually happy.

And you know what I see when I see you?

I see a sad man.

You're right, kiddo.

I missed out.

Well, you're... I mean, you're here now, you know?

And Nicki's gonna be here in an hour.

Look, if you want to... Stay.

You know, you can meet her.

I'd love to.

But... If I don't leave now, I'm gonna miss a gig.

Got me again.

I'm sorry, but singing is my life.

[Chuckling] Okay? It... You know what?

It's just something you'd have to be great at to understand.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Turn that skinny butt around, Frankie pants.

Look, you can say a lot of things about my boy's singing, okay... annoying, very annoying, grating on your ears... but one thing that you can't say is that it's not great.

I'm sure Justin can "carry a tune."

But I'm professionally trained. Listen.

♪ Well, I guess that's why they call it the blues ♪

Take him down, baby bird.

Danny, I don't want to...

♪ laughin' like children ♪
♪ Livin' like lovers ♪
♪ Rollin' like thunder ♪
♪ Under the covers ♪
♪ And I guess that's why ♪
♪ They call it the blues ♪
♪ And I guess that's why they call it the ♪

[Falsetto] ♪ blu-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-es ♪

[Cheers and applause]

♪ Don't let the door ♪
♪ Hit you on the ass on the way out ♪

Thanks, man.

Okay.

Enough of this. Birthday sh*ts all around!

Yeah!

Brett!

Break out the butterscotch liqueur.

No, no, no.

Look, enough with that, all right? You passed out, and I finished the butterscotch liqueur, so I... [Retches] Listen...

I actually even have trouble saying it, okay?

So just drop it.

Saying what? Butterscotch?

[Retches]

[Laughter]

Come on.

Hey, uh, do we have some?

Oh, l-l-look.

Oh, butterscotch.

We have butterscotch.

[Retches]

You want some of this?

[Retches]

[All shouting]

Hurry up with those gin and tonics, Brett.

I'm trying to burn-and-turn that two-top.

I also need six drafts, two burgers... one rare, one hockey puck... and a pitcher of "kiss my ass" for Sabrina 'cause this ain't that hard.

Oh really.

Because you're the one who has been working for the past 48 hours... and I'm still the one getting the paycheck.

But you know what?

Here's a tip.

You used a double-sided coin.

Oh... yes I did.

This is why no one likes you.