02x07 - A Live Show Walks Into a Bar

[bunniefuu]

(Ed Sheeran - Thinking Out Loud)

♪ ... soul could never grow old, it's evergreen ♪
♪ And, baby, your smile's forever in my mind and memory ♪
♪ I'm thinkin' about how people fall in love in mysterious ways ♪
♪ Maybe it's all part of a plan, nah, nah ♪
♪ Well, I'll just keep on making the same mistakes ♪
♪ Hoping that you'll understand ♪
♪ That, baby, now ♪
♪ Take me into your lovin' arms ♪
♪ Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars, oh darling ♪
♪ Place your head on my b*ating heart ♪
♪ Thinking out loud ♪
♪ Maybe we found love right where we are ♪
♪ Oh, baby, we found love right where we are ♪
♪ We are we found love right where we are ♪

Woo!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you very much, ah, it's an absolute pleasure to be here... um, I've got... I've got a couple more songs.

This next song is about a...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm sorry. I'm sorry there, my red-headed friend... um...

See this open mic is a one-song max so...

I was told...

No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.

James... I'm just gonna unplug your tiny guitar.

There you go, just watch your step. It's okay.

Hey, listen, you have potential. You have.

Okay, all right. I just wouldn't quit your day job yet.

Out of curiosity what is your day job?

I sing.

Really?

'Cause see I'm a cool college professor all the students invite to their party, ah...

Ah, we both said our dreams out loud.

Does he have a sister?

That'll teach you how to butter your crumpet.

What is wrong with you?

Why did you kick out Ed Sheeran?

That was him?

Yeah! Of course it was Ed Sheeran! Why do you think Candace is in shock?

This is Ed Sheeran's napkin.

Oh, even his napkin is soulful and comforting.

And like him, very, very, white.

Guys, he's probably in town for the Spirit of Detroit Music Festival Yep and he's just tweeted this to his 13 million followers.

"If you see this raw rude bar owner, give him a smack from me"

Sorry.

I'm an Ed-head. I do what I'm told.

Hey. Is this mic still open?

Well, yeah, man. Just play something to cheer me up, make me feel like a winner.

A winner? He's a guitarist, not a wizard.

Yeah. I'm Waz. I write music for TV shows.

I just something for "CSI Cyber."

Oh yeah, that's right, ah...

CSI: Cyber, that's that new CSI show that's all about technology.

This computer didn't die. This computer was m*rder*d.

The last one to see him alive was this cell phone Talk! Talk!

You'd better talk or I'll put you in the toilet!

Hey, Waz. You know what?

I got an idea. Ah, why don't you riff a TV show theme song and then we'll all do cheesy opening credit faces.

You guys in?

♪

Oh, man. Justin's still upset about his ex getting married. It's so boring.

Oh, give him a break. Nikki was the first girl he ever loved and she's marrying a guy this weekend who's way more successful than him.

Sorry.

I'm fine. I know she's your friend.

You can all go to the wedding.

Oh, I'm not going.

Until Saturday.

Anyway uh, to make him, to make him feel better, we all stayed at home last night and watched "Scandal."

Oh, are you a huge fan of that show?

A fan? Let's say I'm a fan of oxygen I need "Scandal"

Unfortunately, the whole time Justin was trying to convince me that Scott Foley was better looking than me.

How did that come up?

Well, the episode ended, and then I said I'm so much better looking than Scott Foley, let's discuss this."

Actually, coincidentally, Scott Foley visited my dreams last night.

Oh, spicy! Think he'll be back tonight?

No, no. He's exhausted.

Face it, Danny. Scott Foley's a genetic masterpiece I never seen eyes dazzle like his.

And that's from a guy with blue eyes that can touch the sky.

Yeah, my eyes could touch the sky.

Wow...

Probably wouldn't know anything about eyes like that, not with those brown mud buckets.

Like I told you the day you moved in, these are tootsie rolls.

End of conversation.

No! Ugh!

You know, I have like an hour to k*ll and that was the most insane eavesdropping ever.

Well, I guess we could continue arguing near the pretty lady.

You know what, I'm just, I'm sick of getting judged by my appearance from some guy who looks like Greg Kinnear in middle school.

Oh, yeah!

Yeah, well you look like Hugh Jackman's tired, older brother.

Oh, yeah? Well, you put on a lot of weight since we started sh**ting.

Thanks for saying that.

I want in. Who do I look like?

Hey, when did Jeff Goldblum and David Schwimmer have a baby?

Good burn, new girl.

Hey, ah, I have to make a quick phone call but will you two be here when I get back?

Yeah, yeah, I own this bar, Yep, I'll be around.

So I'm always here.

I'm just gonna hang out.

Yep, cool.

Cool.

(Both:) Ha-ha-ha. I saw her first!

No, you didn't!

Yes, I did!

(Both:) Get out of my head! I'm not in your head! You're in my head!

No I'm not. Yes, I am. How are we doing this?

It's easy, we practice at home! I'm gonna trick you by stopping in the middle of a sentence. Panda!

Panda! Panda! What?

♪ ♪

I brought my keyboard in.

Yeah, but what did we do to you?

A dollar.

People in Detroit are terrible tippers.

Mmm... sweetie, it might not be Detroit.

You can be a little bit snarky.

Oh, he doesn't know that word.

Snarky is American for smart-mouth bitch.

He was a bitch to us, too, Shell.

Why you hating on my friends, man?

These guys just work with me at the retirement home.

They just trying to destress.

Destress from what?

What kind of trouble can kindly old grandparents get into?

Everyone is banging everyone. When you walk in on two old people having sex in the rec room, it-it's like when you make eye contact with a dog that's pooping They just kind of stare at you while they finish their business.

Sometimes they ask us to join in.

Urgh, that's disgusting.

Do you ever do it?

No!

What? That is so gross.

How dare you! How dare...

There have been seven times.

I get lonely.

Well, we brought some of them out.

Yeah.

See Mrs. Bosma? Yeah, she'll get freaky with anybody.

Male, female. She don't care.

Mrs. Bosma, what's that thing you always say?

Ass is ass.

That's true, it's a good saying.

See Brett, you know you'd get more tips if you were nicer.

Oh, shut up. Like you can do any better.

Want me to get behind that bar and we'll see? And whoever gets the most tips at the end of the night is the winner.

Hm, I dunno Shel. What was the name of the greatest cheerleader movie ever made?

Oh, yeah, that's it... Bring It On!

No matter how this ends, we're watching that movie later.

Okay. Kiss his ass, Shel. Okay?

Hey! That's for Ed.

That tattooed ginger has got me through some tough times.

So, ah, you from here?

No. I'm just in town for the music festival.

Yeah, I'm back-up singer.

Oh, that's fun...

So you gotta do a lot of stuff like...

♪ Oh, ho, oh, oh. ♪

Or the occasional...

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, no, no, no. ♪

Yeah.

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no ♪
♪ No, no, no, no. ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ No, no, no, no, no no. ♪
♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

That's how I sing.

Hey Les, can you do me a favor?

Wake Candace up for work?

I can do this alone.

Yeah, you never know. Could turn into a threesome.

Oh, they don't mean you, Miss Bosma.

Sit your ass back.

Bae, you don't have a full-length mirror in here?

No.

Then where do you flex?

Candace, you up?

Wait. My friends can't know that you slept here. They hate you.

Yeah, what's up with that? I'm Trent, end of story.

You know what, Trent? Maybe it is because we dated, you treated me badly and you took advantage of me until I had no self-esteem left.

Oh, right, right.

We cool?

Dog: Woof The mo says no.

Oh, Trent. Candace what is this jackass doing here?

Here's your shirt back, bae.

Okay, I get it.

Yeah. Everyone.

Everyone gets it.

It got late, he just came over late and needed a place to cash. Nothing happened.

I tried, but my game was just too weak!

Hey, Candace, I thought I taught you how to deal with tough situations like this. Leslie, I'm too small to drink three bottles of wine and then go to sleep.

It's okay, I can be strong for you.

Trent, get the hell out of here. Slower.

Wait! Okay, I'm done.

What's up with that guy?

♪ ♪

So, can I get you two lovely ladies a drink?

No, piss off, we want the black Winnie the Pooh.

Oohh! Hello, ladies.

Hello.

Let's make a bet. If you can guess my name, we have to take you home and have sexy time with you all night long And what if I cannot guess your name?

It's Allie.

Then I'm gonna guess Allie.

Now look, I'm going to tip you, but I want to tuck it in your knickers.

And I am okay with that.

There we are. Yep.

I wrote, I wrote our number on there.

Don't smudge it.

Hee hee!

For Ed.

That's for England!

I have to head out for rehearsal.

I'll come back tonight and hang.

You know I've had a rough couple of days, so I just want to let you know it's nice to meet someone who could put a smile on my face.

Oh, thanks. Nice meeting you guys.

Hey, the pleasure was all mine, okay?

Well not all his. I was pleasured, too.

♪

I mean I'm not proud that I've been hanging out with Trent.

I know he's not going any places.

And yes, sure, he can't technically read.

But, it's all just so embarrassing.

Oh, sweetie, you're just backsliding. We've all done it with an ex.

Hell, before I met my ex I was still looking up with my ex-husband.

Yeah. And I mean before I met Leslie, I was still hooking up with this...

Nobody cares.

I guess right now, it's just really tempting to back slide with Trent.

Does that go away?

Yes.

The minute you meet someone that makes you forget him.

Well, I back slid with Amy. She was my first love, and the one that got away. I mean literally.

She robbed a bank and they could not catch her.

So uh, I was thinking about it.

Uh, you know what, I think you should ask Amanda out I'm going to, I'm going to bow out.

But you like her, too. I mean, I can tell, your eyebrow goes up every time I mention her name.

No, it doesn't.

Amanda.

That eyebrow is about something else.

Amanda.

Amanda.

Amanda. Amanda.

Amanda. Amanda.

Amanda. Amanda.

Amanda.

Okay, look.

Just let me bow out so that you have a better chance with her. Okay?

Wait. Are, are you saying that there's a world that both of us go for her that I don't even stand a chance?

Yeah, I do think that there's a world like that. It's, it's this world.

It's... it's the world.

Amanda and I have everything in common. We're both singers.

We're both sensitive souls. Both have a hard time with dairy It's like we were created for each other.

Careful, Justin.

You always idealize women that you just met.

I can't idealize someone who's perfect in every single way.

Look, let me just bow out for you okay?

Why don't you take yes for an answer?

I didn't get to be a 20-year-old virgin by taking yes for an answer.

You don't stand a chance with Amanda.

For God's sake, she's 22 and you're 130.

Face it, you're just scared because even if you try as hard as you can, she'll still pick me.

Oh yeah?

You want to bet, nerd?

You're on. What are the stakes?

Loser has to shave his head?

No, well, that would punish everyone Why would we want to subject everyone to see your Voldemort skull?

I want your dignity. I want your chest hair.

Fine. If she goes with me you have to shave your chest.

And if she goes with anybody else, I'll shave mine.

Nah mm-mm, not shave. Uh-uh, I want to wax it.

Right here in this bar. Live. In front of everyone.

It's on then. It is on.

In fact, I'm going to live tweet that it's on.

In fact, it's going to do the "it's on" song.

Waz? Back me up.

♪ Ooh, Danny and Justin. ♪

Yow!

♪ Going for some girl ♪
♪ Oh Danny! ♪

Waz, more, please!

D...d... d... d... d... Danny! D... d... d... d... d...

Waz, more, please!

D...d... d... d... d...

♪ ♪

There you go.

Okay.

Hang on, how come every time I bring you a beer you give me a dollar. Yet when Shelly brings you the beer you give him five.

You really want to know?

How's your day going?

Fine.

Wow.

I got bored in the middle of a one-word answer.

Watch this. Shelly, how's your day going?

Oh, the day was like any other.

Woke up, smoked some weed. Fed the cat.

Freaked out because I didn't own a cat.

Realized I just let a raccoon in my place and I just got the hell out of there.

This is great stuff have another five?

Ooooh!

Amanda's gonna be here any minute. You ready, man?

You loose? Just got to warm up on my flirting before she gets here. Watch and learn.

(Sighs)

Spiders!

Just kidding, it's hands.

Uh, hey, beautiful. Wow.

Oh, love your hair. It is like tiny little slinkys, you know.

Feel like I might push you down a flight of stairs, you'd just keep going, going, going, and going.

Excuse me?

I should go.

Hey, Candace.

You'll relax if you practice on someone you know Now try it on her.

(clears throat) Hey, kitty pop. It's not a thing. Okay, Um... (clears throat)

Look, Candace, uh... What the hell are you doing?

Just giving you a taste of what it's like when you go toe-to-toe with Danny Burton. Hey, you're in the jungle now, bro.

When two silverback gorillas compete for the same female, one will get right in the other's face to show dominance. (gorilla noises)

How long does that last?

Well, dominant gorilla stays until he realizes that the other gorilla is unimpressive and weak Hey, I'm not weak, Danny.

I just don't have any good pick-up lines.

You don't need pick-up lines. They're cheesy. Just, talk to me, tell me what you really like it to do.

I don't know. I guess, you know, we could open a bottle of wine?

Uh, watch a movie?

Cook dinner together. I bet you'd look really cute in my apron. Heh.

And yes, I own an apron.

I love that you own an apron.

Uh, what are we making for dessert?

You guessed right. That's good conversation.

Ohhhh! Yummmm!

I just, I just want someone to be myself with.

You know? And if I had to choose between going to some big crazy party or staying home and watching movies and eating pizza with you, I'd choose you every time.

I've been waiting for somebody to say that to me.

I've been waiting for someone to hear it.

Thanks for pretending, Candace.

What? Oh! Oh, right.

Acting. Yeah. Thank you.

You're not thinking about Trent anymore, are you?

No.

Just don't tell anyone. Okay?

Hey, guys.

Oh, now this is Amanda. And, boy, do I have a scintillating story about her.

Who cares?

I just want this guy to do another three-second wordless song.

♪ ♪ ♪

I cannot believe that you went to theater camp too.

I know. I know we have so much in common.

So, uh, let me ask you a question.

Are you thinking about having kids before you're 25?

♪ Mis-take! This is a mistake ♪

Oh, sorry. It's just a song I heard at the music festival.

Yeah, it's by this great new band called "Don't Do What You're Doing"

It's off their album "Seriously, Dude, Stop."

Ummm, oh! So, Amanda, listen.

I just wanted to say, uh... Look, um, I'm glad you... came back.

I been, wanting to ask you something. Uh...

I was wondering if maybe you want to go on a date.

What's he doing?

He's dominating me.

Oh. Like a silverback gorilla.

You can sit with us.

Oh, nah, you know I should be alone.

Something's been really heavily weighing on my mind, lately.

I can't stop thinking about it, actually.

Oh, no. What is it?

You.

Oh, lame.

So, what do you guys want to do tonight?

Well, unfortunately, he has to work.

I, on the other hand, have scored two tickets to "Age of Ultron", the new Marvel masterpiece. And it is sold out everywhere.

But uh, I was wondering if maybe you want to come see it with me?

Actually I already know the answer to it.

I'd love it.

Oh, she'd love to.

You know what? Maybe I'll sprinkle some of your chest hair on my popcorn?

That's actually really weird.

A 22-year-old would rather see the new "Avengers" than have babies with you? I'm doing sarcasm now.

Is it that, painful getting waxed?

Have you ever heard a vag*na cry?

I've heard one whistle.

I mean, of course I scared her off.

Maybe there really isn't anyone out there for me.

There is.

Oh.

Kitty-pop. There isn't.

Yo! Bae. Did you get my text?

I sent you an emoji of a guitar and the earth Trent wants to rock my world.

Time for sex with the ex. Hashtag Cardio day.

No, Trent. I am, I am so glad that I didn't backslide with you because I may be lonely but I'm not desperate.

I'm sorry.

Pssshhh! Whatev-skis. (smooch) World peace.

I'm so proud of you.

Do I smell a hug coming on?

Ooh. Let's do a reverse Oreo.

Ooh, that's when the chocolate is on the inside...

♪

Why am I so bad at this? It's probably because I'm bad at everything. I'm not even good at being gay. I'm still single, and as far as Neil Patrick Harris goes, I can take him or leave him.

Oh Brett, you don't know what you're saying I've lived here over a decade now and I'm still bad at being an American.

I mean yeah, I can fake it. "Hey, let's all go to the ball game, then we can sh**t stuff and buy houses we can't afford.

I should just, I should just give up.

I am really worried about your friend, Brett.

I just don't think his self-esteem can take many more hits.

Oh, I'm sorry, Dr. Drew.

Did I call in and ask for your advice without realizing it?

Fine. Here, tip him this $200 so he beats me.

You are a good man.

Brett?

Yes.

Here is uh, $50.

Baba-booey sucker!

Yes, I did it.

I win.

Congratulations, buddy.

Now, how about a cocktail al la Brett.

I still love ya.

Put your bag down. ***

Danny, can I talk to you for a second?

Uh, yeah. You know our rule.

Yeah, I get 15 seconds a day. I can use it now?

Proceed.

See how Shelly let, Brett win, because it means more to him?

Um, maybe that's something you could do for Justin.

You know, he's right.

Hmm. Waz, can you put me some thinking music?

♪ ♪

Didn't think I'd let you leave without saying good-bye, did you?

Stop talking to your chest hair.

Look, uh... Uhhhh, I think you could still b*at me with Amanda.

The uh, movie doesn't start for another two hours.

So you can b*at me, but to b*at me, you're going to need my help What?

Well look, you know me, I'm not just going to roll over, I'm gonna win okay?

But also you're my boy so I'm going to help you win.

If I let me. Which I won't. Unless I do.

Which I will.

This is very confusing.

Look man, the bottom line is you're just too nice.

That's who I am.

No you're not. Not all the time. Remember that remark where you said I was 130 years old?

That didn't-didn't bother me or affect me or ke... stay with me at all even though I'm 95 years younger than that?

You've gotta do more of that Pick on my insecurity. That shows you have some fight in you.

Go ahead.

Like what?

I don't know.

Uh, maybe you were right. You know, uh, Amanda's 22.

So, maybe deep down Danny feels like he's too old for girls that age.

Is that true?

I don't know. Mmh, I can't tell.

At this point it is just speculation.

But, you know what? The good news is I brought somebody to help kick this pep talk into overdrive.

Scott Foley?!

Yes, Justin. It is me. TV's Scott Foley.

Why are you here?

Well, because I love music festivals, Justin.

It makes perfect sense that I'm here.

Listen, Danny caught me up to speed on the Amanda situation, and you need to... Hey, don't get lost in my eyes.

Or lose focus.

Listen, I wasn't always this handsome and confident.

Really?

No, I've always been like this.

I was acting. I'm amazing at it. Now look, Danny.

You can do this... Justin, you can do this.

We just met it's fine.

You can call me whatever you want.

It's fine, I'm in your house. You may be a, a "4" in Hollywood, but in Detroit, you're a "10."

Oh, and... that's for Ed.

Now go out there and get her. Go on!

Scott Foley is right!

Danny? You're going down!

Thanks, Scott Foley.

Uh, and by the way, you know, your eyes, uh, they're okay, but they're not that amazing. Okay?

Just be careful.

If anyone looks in them for too long, I can make them do stuff.

Okay. So uh, you're a little cocky, are... Oh...

Drive me to the airport, then return my rental care for me.

'K.

♪ ♪

Um, don't you have a home?

So, uh, you, uh, ready to go see the movie?

Hey, man, what are you doing?

I'm dominating you, old man.

No, you're not I'm dominating you.

No!

[Both make gorilla noises]

I feel like you two get into a lot of very odd fights.

Now you get how this show works.

Oh, God, what am I doing? This isn't me.

Ummmm, that isn't anyone.

I'm sorry, Danny. I didn't mean to be mean.

You don't look that old.

Wait. Are you not his ex? Okay.

Okay, that was funny. That was a funny joke.

Look, Amanda..

Look, I know when I talk about relationships it could seem like a bit much. But that's who I am.

You know and, look, if we hang out later, am I going to talk to you about how many kids I want?

Only if we go out for coffee.

But it's three.

Oohhh... Look, I'm really just looking for something casual.

Yeah, I'm sorry, man.

That sucks. You ready to go see the fenders?

Yeah. Um, I bought the movie.

I kind of make different plans when you were at the airport with TV's Scott Foley.

I don't even remember doing that.

It was fun meeting you both.

Mm-Mmh, well... okay. Looks like we both lost.

On the bright side, at least I don't have to wax my chest.

Uh, yeah, you do.

The bet was if she wound out with anyone else you'd have to wax your chest.

Well, who did she end up with?

You ready to go, bae?

Rebound Selfie!

This day couldn't get any worse.

Well, nobody's ever going to hug you again.

You know what? I'm going to take a three-minute break. And then after that, we're going to do this, we're going to wax his chest.

Live. So don't go anywhere.

♪♪

Thanks, dude. All right, well, I was allowed to do the first ceremonial strip, so here we go.

Hey, you don't have to do this.

I know, I know, I know. But listen.

I really want to, okay? Ready?

You got to put your hand down.

One... okay? One, two... three!

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

What are you doing?

Oh, we're just working on a song based on everything that happened today.

You okay?

Yeah.

Just a little bummed.

Partly 'cause half my rip... ah, my nipple... my nipple's gone... my nipple fell off!

He's such a dork.

Yeah.

One day I'm going to make that pale little dork mine.

Candace, you ready?

Oh, yeah.

Amanda, you want to sing?

Sure! Let's do it.

Okay.

♪ No doubt, I got no game ♪
♪ My friends, they're all the same ♪
♪ "Undateable" ♪
♪ You can't lose if you never try ♪
♪ That's why me and you ♪
♪ We're undateable for life ♪
♪ Oh for whatever reason each time I see him it goes so wrong ♪
♪ Like when I'm out the shower ♪
♪ Wet hair and Powerpuff t-shirt on ♪
♪ If you tell me what you want ♪

Hey...

♪ Oh I bet that I'm a good fit ♪
♪ Boy you saw me so wrong ♪
♪ Cause everytime I lose it ♪
♪ No doubt, I got no game ♪
♪ My friends, they’re all the same ♪
♪ (Undateable) ♪
♪ You can't lose, if you never try ♪
♪ That's why me and you are we're undateable for life ♪
♪ That's why me and you are we're undateable for life ♪
♪ That's why me (me) and you (and you) undateable, yeah ♪
♪ Me and you (you) undateable ♪
♪ Undateable yeah ♪