03x12 - The Backstreet Boys Walk Into a Bar

Oh my god, you're so annoying!

OK, Shelly, would you ever have s*x with me and then lie to my face right after?

Oh, no, sweetie... I get all my lying done beforehand.

There's still some ladies in Detroit who think they slept with a chunky-eyed Isaiah Thomas.

I want Danny to spend more time with my son. He made plans with him and now he's trying to pull out.

And guys "pulling out" is why I have a kid in my first place.

Okay, fine, I'll do it. But it's not fair.

You asked me right in the middle of s*x.

I was like... "Ah, ah, ah... oh, okay, I'll take your son to Dave & Busters.

Okay, quick announcement.

It's a new year and I wanted to shake things up a little bit.

So I decided to dye my hair red But then I chickened out.

Thank God, because red hair is the worst.

However, I did convince Candace to do it. Yeah!

Ta-da! You like it?

I love it. I love it.

It is beautiful. It is great. Like a bowl of tomato soup.

If I had a grilled cheese, I would just dunk it on your head.

It's like your whole head's on fire! Love you, fire head!

Okay, Brett, I'm going to kill you.

What do you have against red hair?

Oh, yeah, I love redheads. It reminds me that even God makes mistakes.

It's just the first time I caught my dad cheating on my mom he was dressed as Ronald McDonald.

It was a Halloween party at our house and I walked in on him and our neighbor.

Let me just tell you. The prize I got in my meal. You know what that was?

Being raised by a single mom.

I can't deal with red hair, not today Hey, hey, why are you freaking out?

I'm not freaking out. This isn't freaking out okay?

I just need everything to go perfect so I can surprise Candace Surprise me how?

What the hell?

Candace, remember when we first met, remember what song was playing?

Of course.

♪ You are my fire ♪
♪ My one desire ♪
♪ Believe when I say I want it ♪
♪ that way ♪
♪ tell me why ♪
♪ Tell me why ♪
♪ ain't nothing but a mistake ♪
♪ Tell me why ♪
♪ I never want to hear you say ♪
♪ I want it that way ♪

That was awesome!

Wait, what are the Back Street Boys doing here?

We're in Detroit doing a fund-raiser.

Oh, that's nice. For who?

Us Good one, dangerous one in the Back Street Boys.

Don't hit me.

I am so excited that you guys are here.

When I was a kid I hung all of your posters!

Wow. Really. Which one of us was your favorite?

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Don't embarrass yourself. Kevin!

Anyway, Justin actually wrote us a letter asking for a favor. So...

You're on, buddy.

Gotcha.

Do the Back Street Boys all go pee together?

Candice, when you meet the person you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with, you want it to start right away. So um...

Holy crap balls!

I love you. I do.

You're the most beautiful person in the world.

Even with ridiculous red hair.

Candace, will you marry me?

Yes. Sure.

Engaged! Hey, okay.

So, you know how my mom always calls us Jay-Z and Beyonce because I've got those sweet moves and you've got those mean rhymes All the time. Because I like limes. Is that a crime?

You're so talented. Anyway um, so now that we're engaged she's been calling us Jay-Z and fiance.

She's not really that funny, is she?

No.

... Back... all right.

Danny, why do you have a child on your shoulders?

Oh, good, he's still there.

This is Will, Charlotte's son.

So... hey, big guy.

Yeah. He doesn't really talk.

So it's made bonding super easy.

What does he like?

All I really know is he likes to sit on shoulders and sneeze on the top of my head.

Okay. Well, I'm going to get out of here It was nice to meet you, young Will. High five, buddy.

Oh-kay. All right.

Should I tell all of Detroit that I'm engaged?

My ring says yes... woo!

Dude! I can't believe you didn't tell me about proposing.

Give me a back, I didn't tell anybody.

Well, you told Back Street Boys.

You didn't tell me, man, and I'm like your spiritual guidance counselor. I'm so cool.

I'm like your sensei. (Speaks gibberish)

I don't speak Japanese. And neither do you.

(More gibberish)

Unbelievable.

Anyway, this right here is what we need to cherish. Okay?

This is really special. So you are engaged, so what?

It doesn't matter. Maybe you'll only be living here another seven, eight, nine, ten years.

Who's engaged for ten years?

Turtles?

I'm good. That was for you.

Anyway, look, since Candace has a house, we thought might be romantic if we moved in together on Valentine's day.

Valentine's Day? That's in two weeks. Will give me the sandwich Hold my beer, I need to gesture like an old Italian woman.

What are you talking about? I cannot believe the words coming out of your mouth.

Is there something you're not telling me? What's going on?

Is she pregnant? Are you?

Did Candice put a baby in you?

I know you're joking but I would happily carry that baby.

Stretch marks, morning sickness... I want it all.

I know it feels like I'm splitting up the best on-screen duo since "Will & Grace".

I just want to make sure you're not bummed out.

Bummed out? I'm not bummed out. I'm totally cool. I'm super cool, man.

Come on, whose Twitter handle is "Cool Danny". Huh?

Not mine. You know why? I'm way too cool for that.

Yeah...

Well, that sucks.

Danny?

What's up, sweet little Will?

Who's the bitch?***

I can't wait to dance at your wedding.

You know when I was younger, I almost got engaged.

But then her brother talked me out of it.

Really, what did he say?

He said Brett, you have a beautiful pen1s. And dip!

Whoo! ***

Charlotte, you were married. Was your wedding like a fairy tale?

It was like a fairy tale. Uhhh.

Once there was a princess with low self-esteem.

And a pretty sick body. She went to Vegas one weekend and ate some magic beans.

Then she married an ogre named Mark.

Then 12 weeks later a wizard named Jack the divorce attorney annulled her mistake.

The end.

Okay, Well, you guys will all obviously be in my wedding.

I'm sorry, except for you, Charlotte, because we just met.

No problems, no worries. I'll just come to the next one.

Oh, hey, Bursk, Les, I assume you guys want to be each other's plus ones since you're you know... smooch buddies.

No. No cute winks. We went on one date.

I know *** about everything but we're not even going to talk about it okay?

I want you guys to pretend like we're not even dating.

Okay. Is that how you feel Bursk?

Yes. That's exactly how I've been instructed to feel.

You guys, today's so perfect!

I mean sometimes I do, wonder about a different ring.

Is that because the diamond Justin got you is so tiny and ridiculous No. I love it.

I know, it's so perfect!

I just kind of wanted to wear my grandmother's ring.

What happened to it?

My ex-boyfriend, Trent, pawned it to get protein powder.

I just loved my grandmother so much. It was really all I had left of her.

Sweetie, I know what you're doing, trying to manipulate me to go get that ring by using your sad face but, it's not going to work.

You can just put it away.

Okay. We're going to get you that ring!

Danny is such a jerk.

From now on, nobody named Danny allowed in this bar.

My name is Danny.

Oh, I'm sorry I was talking about my roommate You can get the hell out of here Danny! You're way too cocky for your looks What's wrong with him?

Danny was so mean to him this morning, I can still totally picture it.

So Justin woke up and he was in a great mood.

He was all like, oh, I love being in love, man.

Oh, I just love it, it makes me want to spin and jump!

And it makes me want to blow kisses.

Blow and blow kisses left and right.

And then Danny was like, grr, I think love is stupid and I'm stupid and getting married is a mistake.

And I get to be... I get to be mean to you for no reason because I'm a big baby.

Wah-wah, Look at me I think I'm so cool and I'm just a big jerk and I like to do high kicks. Watch me do a high kick. High kick!

High kick, high kick. And then I like to do push-ups.

I like to do...

I could keep doing push-ups all day.

I'm going to do ten more push-ups.

Yeah, that's basically how it went.

I mean I think I paraphrased a little bit but you guys get the gist.

Why is Danny being so mean?

How do you not get this? Don't you remember when you first met?

Of course I do. It was right there in that office Well, I remember it like it was yesterday.

♪ Don't you love me baby oh well girls they want to have fun ♪
♪ Oh girls they want to have fun ♪

Hey, Justin.

Sorry, dude.

You must be Danny.

Killer pipes, man.

Thank you. Yeah, I went to choral camp every summer as a kid and I was the first male Annie.

We're a real odd couple, me and you.

I bet we're just going to get into arguments and apologize over and over again every week.

I let the guys speak for themselves in my plays, man.

Yeah! I remember it like it was yesterday.

We because roommates after that.

But what does that have to do with anything?

Because. The reason he needed a new roommate was because his old roommate got married and left.

They were never really friends again after that.

Now it's happening to Danny all over again.

Poor guy feels abandoned, man.

I've got to make this right.

Good luck kiss?

Now go get 'em, soldier!

Of course Trent works here.

Candace gets to see all this for free? Not without paying a buck for it. Bam!

Capitalism.

I never thought I'd say these words but... I'm having a horrible time at a strip club.

Hey, Trent, can you stop twerking for a second? Stop twerking. and tell me where you pawned Candace's grandmother's ring?

News flash, I never pawned it.

You turned it into a tongue stud?

It's perfect!

Alright, you're going to give that diamond back.

Trent doesn't want to.

Trent says no.

Trent smells so good.

I got this. I got this.

You heard the lady. The diamond belongs to Candace.

Oh, yeah? What are you going to do about it, big boy?

Ha! He called me big boy.

Sorry, but you're never getting this back.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go show my art.

And my art is what I call my dong now.

(Indistinct)

Kevin?

That's me. Love the new stuff.

That's right. The degenerate drug dealer had to go find another girl and turn his life around.

Now you gone done ruin thongs for me, too?

You guys can look but only I can touch.

I'm actually just kidding.

There is an alley out back where anything goes, if you know what I mean Where are you guys going? The alley is this way.

***

Where's Leslie?

She's at an adult strip club looking at hot, sexy men who are not you.

Damn it. Women are complicated.

Ah, there he is. All right. My big dog, my BFF.

Look, I understand why you're upset, you know, moving out of the house and all.

But I want you to know, I'm never gonna move out of here.

I mean for gods sakes, we're ***

I mean there's always going to be a little Danny in you and a lot of Danny in me Okay, well, we've done it, we've had the worst conversation of all time.

You know what?

It is okay. I'm no even upset you are moving out That's interesting because your pants are on fire because you're a liar, liar.

I spent all day dividing up our stuff.

Most of it was pretty obvious. I mean all the make up is yours Tinted sunscreen! God! Danny...

Look, just admit that you're going to be sad.

Look, why don't you get off my butt? Who am I, Kanye West?

Let me ask you this question.

In two weeks when you walk into that empty room and I'm not there, what are you going to do?

Well, I'm probably going to be on my Nordic Track because that's where I'm going So I'll be doing a lot of this.

We need to stop those guys from fighting.

I know. Let me know when you've figured things out Call me up when you've figured it out.

Hey, I don't have your phone number.

I know.

Do you have her phone number?

I don't have anyone's number.

Sorry, got a lot of time now that you're gone.

I can't believe I have to say this, but can you stop with the Nordic Track What is that around your neck?

It is a towel.

All right. If you're going to act like that...

Sorry, I put a Bow-flex right next to it in your living room.

Let me get this straight...

Regular treadmill. I do it last.

So I move out, you're just...

Emergency stop. Anyway, what's up?

So when I move out, you're just going to get in wildly good shape?

Yeah.

You know what..?

I saw that last scene with her e-boyfriend Trent, and I was like, I got to get my body better If you're going to be acting like this, maybe I just better move out now.

Yeah, well you should...

Maybe I will Good!

Great!

Awesome!

Super!

Superb.

Spectacular.

Stupendous.

***

Bellisimo!

That is actually good when they get quiet it means that, they actually forgot what they were fighting out.

Moving out!

Yes, that's right! I'm moving out.

No, I'm moving...

No, you're moving out. and I don't care.

Danny, well if you don't care then... then you know what? I'll be gone in the morning.

I hope you're happy.

Hey, you don't get to slam the door on me. I do that to you.

My bar. I get to do the last door slam.

Oh, yeah? What about this?

What about this! How about this!

No, this!

Moving out.

Right!

So Trent didn't give the diamond back?

Tell me how that went down.

It was dimly lit.

I mean apart from the disco ball.

There were beautiful naked men everywhere.

Tongues. And oil. So much oil.

I could still picture it now.

Brett, are you okay?

Are we? Are we not doing flashbacks anymore?

I'm the one, I'm not giving up.

Let's steal that diamond back.

Steal a diamond out of a guy's mouth?

How dumb can he be?

Huh, this is where it is. For a year I was Trent's oregano dealer So you're telling me that you want me to flirt with Trent...

Rub up against him, let his sweat slowly drip down me.

Wrap my arm around him...

Now nobody said...

I'm not finished yet.

Grab his face, make out with him, steal diamond with my tongue?

Fine. I'll do it.

I won't like it... God, I'll love it.

Hey, I'm tired of pretending that we're not together anymore.

Sorry. I know you told everyone that we only went on one date.

But we've gone on a lot of dates We just spent the night at that Lake Michigan at a bed and breakfast.

And no! excuse me, miss, I did not tell friends about it like you told me not too because they knew anyway.

You know why that is?

Because you actually did tell them?

You're damn right I did, yeah!

He sent pictures of you sleeping.

I got to say, girl, that mouth guard? Not cool.

Straight up, I'm not going to apologize about that Cause guess what? I'm proud to be with you. I wanted us to happen for the past three years so I'm not going to lie about it anymore.

Listen, no, hold on, hold on...

Were you going to kiss me, because I was still...

We good?

I'm in.

Alright Oh!

Okay. I'll allow this.

But if you make one straining noise we're breaking up.

We should go.

Sorry, Justin!

Oh, man!

Someone should really fix that. I mean..

This bar's falling apart.

We still need somebody to kiss Trent.

What do you say, Charlotte? For Candace?

No, I'm not even...

That's Trent.

I'll do it.

I'm so upset about Danny.

You know what? ***

Let's do that thing where we pretend that we're a couple that's been married for 50 years and we're still crazy in love. Come on.

Get over here, huh, 'cakes?

I'm coming for you, stud muffin.

***

Almost there.

I'm sorry, sweetie. Usually this gets me going. My heart's just not in it.

Man, this fight with Danny's killing him.

Crazy, Danny's been moping around all day too Oh, please. They're grown men.

They're moping around all emotional like some Back Street Boys video from the '90s.

In this back alley pretty much anything goes.

But why do we need to make out right now?

Because you're Trent, and you're awesome.

Right. That makes sense.

Where's your stud?

Oh... That's because I just wear this for fun, dude.

I'm off work.

Oh, God.

So anyways...

Oh, yuck!

Hey, Charlotte said Trent has the diamond at his apartment.

She wants to know if she should go back and sleep with him.

Excuse me. Tell her no.

I'm going to text back: "go with your heart"

Come on man. That's your rug.

I'm going to head down to the bar, close early so we celebrate the engagement.

You can still come if you want.

You know what? That sounds like a good idea.

Uh oh! Looks like my hand thinks otherwise You know, if you change your mind, just... come What's that?

I got something in my throat. I'm sorry.

My mistake.

That's okay.

Sorry?

I have something stuck in my head Go ahead steal it.

I'm on my way out Heading down to the bar.

Party with friends. So...

What's that? My bad.

We'll see you guys down there.

Yeah, yeah yeah...

Yeah!

We'll see you on TV because I have the TiVo. Later...

What's wrong with you?

All right.

Dude. Close the door. I'm not going. Okay?

I'm sorry. I thought the wind blew that in. Are you sure?

Yeah.

Sorry. Just sometimes, you know, fate takes over.

Right, right, right. Mostly we just got to do what the script says. Thanks.

Save the lecture.

Okay? Save it. Save the lecture.

I'm not going to do it. I'm just going to fast forward through all the parts that are going to bore me to death.

You know what? You should be happy for Justin. He's your... oh, my God, I can't believe what you're doing, I'm so disappointed in you.

Goodnight, Danny.

Let's get high and watch wrestling.

Well, he is right, that is what I say first thing in the morning Danny, Justin is your best friend.

Okay? It is okay to be hurt that he's leaving.

Don't you understand that this is just a trick anyway?

All these boxes are empty.

Look. See?

What?

It's all his khakis.

He really is leaving.

Come on. I know it is scary to admit how you feel about someone.

Look how long it took me to admit up to my feelings about Burski.

But now I can look you right in the eyes and say I like Burski?

You just said it in the form of a question.

No, I really do. Okay? There.

Now you need to be honest about Justin.

Let me put this in a way I know you're going to understand.

You have been an emotional grower and you need to be an emotional "show-er"

He's your best friend. And I'll bet you've never even told him that. Have you?

In my defense, I really ***

Why?

Because he wants me to so bad.

Alright, I'm so disappointed in you Good night again Want to get high and watch wrestling?

Thank you guys so much for being here to celebrate. Really means a lot.

And, Charlotte, I'm so glad your son is here with us.

Yeah, me, too.

It's not that I like you. I just couldn't find a sitter.

Hey, guys... to Candace and Justin.

Hear, hear Baby, you going to say something?

No. Yeah.

To the uh, happiest day of my life.

Did he say happiest day or last day?

This is tearing you up.

You know how you said that you were going to do anything for me?

You go out there, you get Danny!

Yes, ma'am.

Hey, guys.

I just got here. Where's Justin?

You just missed him. He went out looking for you.

Let me see if I can catch him.

I just got your text. Where is he?

He was just looking for you, man.

Damn it!

And wait for it.

Charlie, I just got your text that Justin is here.

But he just ran past me. Which one should I trust?

Go! You idiot.

Danny, I love you. And I know that it's hard for you to take that...

Listen, listen, stop, alright?

Let me go first. Okay?

Shelly, why don't you tell Justin where I was while I go wash up?

Oh, I'd love to. Gather around, everybody, and hear a fantastic tale.

Now, after I told Danny that we couldn't get your ring, he took upon himself to go to the strip club and get it back from Trent. But when he got there, Kevin and Trent were so nervous because there were some big-name stripper talent scouts in town from the big leagues.

You know, Will, Tampa.

I know you know. I know you know your strip clubs, man.

Well, when they got there, the third partner was missing.

And what happened next will go down in male stripper history.

Guys, if we die tonight, I just want the world to know we died doing what we love.

Listen, I don't want the world or anyone to know that I was here tonight.

Okay? Also, why would we die?

I love you guys.

Well, I hate both of you.

Sounds like we're ready. Let's do this.

Three, two, one... Hit it!

Danny, do whatever Trent does.

He's the best in the county.

I understand.

That doesn't look that good.

Look at him, he's fluid in motion.

That's really not that good. I'll try.

He's my mentor.

The belt stays on, the pants come off.

What a story!

Hey, Danny, when you get back from the bathroom, you have to let us know whether or not you got that ring.

Okay, sure, yeah, let me just... let me just uh... take a breath, man. These flashbacks are exhausting.

So anyway, turns out the scouts really loved what I did, and so did the... so did the audience so...

Yeah. Anyway... oh.

And so... bright future. So, turns out that because I got your ex back to Tampa, he decided to give me this.

What?

Whoa. What's that dusty old trinket.

It's my grandma's ring.

It's so pretty!

I can't believe you did that for me.

Well, I didn't just do it for you.

I did it for... you.

Because you're my best friend.

Did you just call me...

I did.

This is ridiculous, Justin.

I thought I was your best friend!

Scott...

You told me I was your best friend!

TV's Scott Foley.

I won't take this, I won't take this. You owe me an apology.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Babe, I think you know what you have to ask him.

Go on, you know you want to.

Yeah.

Look. Sorry about TV Scott Foley.

Disgusting thing. I don't want to get into it.

He is a jealous person. I get it.

Look, you know you're my best friend.

Okay? You know that, I know that.

But you know what I need? A best man.

You know what? You got it, baby bird.

So, when are you two kids going to get married, huh?

Oh, I don't know. Summer, fall?

Just definitely not this season.