02x08 - Young & Sandwich

[bunniefuu]

(Computer chimes)

Oh!

Breaking Bad Season Five downloaded.

♪ Walter White is on tonight. ♪

Sofia, it's Friday night!

Yeah, it is!

We're not gonna sleep till the sun comes up!

You're damn right we're not!

Both: Aren't you gonna change? Why would I change?

We're going out clubbing tonight.

No, we're not. We're finishing Breaking Bad tonight.

You know what's breaking bad? Your dating life.

What are you talking about?

I date.

You've been on three dates in the past year and you found a reason to hate all of them.

That's not true!

You remember Mr. Brilliant?

How could I forget?

(Snooty accent) "The traffic is brilliant.

"The lighting was brilliant.

"These ice cubes are brilliant."

Okay, well, then you didn't like Rick because he dotted his I's with a bubble.

And he had a flip phone.

What are we, cavemen?

Okay, listen...

Sweetie, did you ever think maybe you're just a little too picky?

No!

Look, you just don't get it, because you have a super Cooper bear.

Yeah, and that's why I'm pushing you so hard.

I want you to have a super significant other bear.

Well, it ain't gonna happen, because all the perfect guys are taken.

I met the perfect guy!

(Gasps)

(Laughs)

Marco!

Polo!

Where'd you meet him? The pool?

In the pool of hotties on "HeyCupid."

It's a dating app where you hold your phone up and if a guy nearby likes your profile, bam!

(Giggles)

Now I have Marco.

He's cool, sexy, and owns a gourmet butcher shop.

Oh, wow!

Sofia hasn't had a good piece of meat in a while.

So, uh, we're going on our second date tonight, so I just came to pick up some mo' wine.

(Timer dings)

Oh!

And whatever might be in your oven.

Whoo!

Girl, I am so glad I moved next door.

Sofia... don't even say it.

I'm not using that app.

Men of the world, you've had your chance.

My ass might not quit, but I do.

Yeah, well, luckily I don't.

"HeyCupid," meet Sofia Maria Consuelo Rafeala Rodriguez.

That's gonna be an autocorrect nightmare.

(Theme music playing)

♪ She in the spotlight ♪
♪ And she turned my head ♪
♪ She'd run a red light ♪
♪ 'Cause she bad like that ♪
♪ I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ I like that ooh, baby ooh, baby ♪

I need you to press pause on your pathetic little life and help me hide Josh's stuff.

Caroline just announced her engagement.

What?

But she and Josh broke up, like, two months ago.

I thought she'd be too busy making coats out of dalmatian puppies to get married again.

Wait, does Josh know?

Why do you think I'm hiding his laptop his smartphone...

And whatever this vibrating thing is?

Yolanda just told me Caroline's engaged?

Damn it!

Listen, Josh, just because Caroline is engaged doesn't mean you need to go start feeling all bad about yourself.

I don't.

You know, like, "Am I not charming enough?

"Am I not funny enough? Am I getting fat?"

Gabi.

Just for the record, Josh, I'd love you even if you did get fat.

Guys, I'm happy for Caroline.

We weren't meant to be together. It's all good.

You don't need to be brave for us, big guy.

Bring it in.

I don't need to go in.

I'm good.

Can I tell you a secret?

What?

If he got fat, wouldn't love him.

(Phone chimes)

Oh, Elliot, can you grab my phone?

I'm elbow-deep in dumplings.

I'm elbow-deep in "I don't care."

(Scoffs) Please, I made Sofia a fake dating profile and every time it dings, it means she got a match.

Don't you want to see?

Are the guys shirtless?

No.

Then no.

(Phone chimes)

sh**t. Uh...

Ooh, Ruben.

Let's see, college graduate, works in marketing, five foot...

Eleven! (Gasps)

Oh! Elliot, it looks like we have a match.

Did you know, statistically, cellphones are dirtier than toilet seats?

I did not.

Excuse me, I'll be in the bathroom, scrubbing my face till I bleed.

What do you think?

Marco's taking me to lunch, and I'm trying to look young.

Is he picking you up 20 years ago?

I'm gonna go touch-up my makeup.

Josh's paint roller is in the laundry room.

(Doorbell rings)

Hi, I'm here to...

Elliot?

Marco?

(Gasps)

You're the Marco that's going out with Yolanda?

But you used to date men, and by men, I mean me.

Okay, this just got a little weird.

I haven't seen you since the Madonna concert.

That was a terrible place to dump me.

I haven't been able to listen to her music since.

Honey, no one has.

Oh, Elliot, I see you've already met Marco.

Yes, we just met.

Just now.

Not at Brad's Tony Awards party.

Well, let's go, baby.

Marco, are you sure you wouldn't be more comfortable using the back door?

So...

What are we thinking for lunch, babe?

Thai? Italian?

(Both giggle)

Why don't you try Korean?

Oh, wait.

You have.

Ruben, this is not a big deal.

Okay? You've just got to tell Sofia that you're a friend of my boyfriend, Cooper.

How tight am I with this Cooper?

I mean, do we have nicknames for each other?

Would the guy give me a kidney?

Why? Why do you need a kidney?

That was not in your profile.

Look, look, I think your roommate is really cute, but I'm just not comfortable lying.

(Gasps) Sofia!

And suddenly, I'm comfortable.

Wow, you're even prettier than your picture...

That, ah, Coop showed me at work where I don't need a kidney.

O... kay. So you're in tech.

Tech... nology?

He was, but now he's not.

Yeah, I had a career change.

I work for an establishment that makes sandwiches.

It's called Sammich's.

You heard of it?

Fast food, yes.

Have you ever heard of someone having to leave a date early because she has an appointment?

This is that.

Sofia.

I cover five of their franchises as a marketing associate.

I can reschedule.

Yeah, you can.

You know, Coopster told me you were smart, funny, and gorgeous.

If you ask me, he under-promised and over-delivered.

(Giggles)

Marketing speak.

Gabi, I just remembered that you have to leave early because you have an appointment.

No, I don't.

You do!

Okay.

Good morning, my beautiful best friend.

Well, "good morning" before coffee?

It looks like somebody has a roommate that found her the perfect guy!

Shh! He's in there right now.

(Gasps) Wow.

Damn, girl.

Way to make up for lost time.

Was it like riding a bicycle or was it like riding a bicycle a whole bunch of times?

No, all we did was talk.

Naked?

No, you know I'm old fashioned.

Booty's gotta wait till at least the seventh date.

Ugh, but he is so amazing and sweet and ambitious.

Plus, I did a background check while he was sleeping.

No priors.

Oh, wow. No urine sample? You're slipping.

Well, anyway, I'm gonna shower because he says he has to leave for work, where he wears a suit.

I'm finally dating a guy who wears a suit!

♪ Go Gabi, go Gabi. ♪

Hey, Ruben.

Hey!

I thought you left for work.

I did not.

Your turn.

(Chuckles) You mean this?

I wear this for work.

Sofia said you wore a suit to work.

I do.

A ham and cheese sandwich suit.

(Laughs) What?

(Angrily) I mean, what?

You know, for Sammich's.

I'm Sammy the sammich.

My costume's in the car.

Oh my God, I-I set Sofia up with a sandwich but... wait, you said you were in marketing.

Well, people see me dance, and they buy a sandwich... marketing.

Oh my God.

This is so much worse than having a flip phone.

That's why I don't tell girls on the first date.

They can be a little judgy.

Yeah, well, you are a sammich.

And if Sofia finds out, she is never gonna go out with you again.

(Sighs) I really like her.

I know, and I'm her best friend, and I want to continue to be, so you just can't tell her.

Okay? Promise me.

Okay, yeah.

All right, shake on it!

Oh God, what have I done?

(Phone chimes)

Oh, man. I've gotta delete this app.

Setting up Sofia was the worst idea I've ever had.

How would you know?

Don't you need to have a good idea to compare it to?

You know what? It's fine.

It'll be okay. She'll find something about him that she hates, and then she'll dump him before she finds out he's a sandwich and dumps me.

Ugh, Gabi!

Enough with the incessant whining.

(Whining)

Josh!

I have a problem.

Now is not a good time, Elliot.

Yolanda's dating someone I used to date. Should I tell her?

Yes.

I was hoping you'd go the other way...

Like Marco used to.

Listen, I may have a little bit of a situation, too.

Whatever it is, don't do something in the heat of the moment that you'll regret forever.

That's all I do. Do you know me?

Are you okay?

I'm fine. No, I'm not.

So I was thinking about how happy I am for Caroline, so I went over to her place and gave her a wedding gift.

Oh, that's sweet. What'd you give her?

An orgasm.

What?

We had sex.

Y... yes, I know what an orgasm is!

I just didn't know that you could register for one.

Oh! Ugh!

Oh my God, what is going on with me?

I mean, since I broke up with Caroline, there's been Jilly, Lauren, Shauna, almost Shauna's daughter, and now back to Caroline.

You lapped yourself.

I know.

High school Josh would have been stoked to be in this position, but this is not me.

You know what?

I am not sleeping with any more women until I figure out what is going on.

Listen, you're not the only one who's been messing up recently.

I, uh, (Clears throat)

I accidentally set Sofia up with a sandwich.

I see what you're doing, Gabi.

You're making up something more idiotic than what I did to help me feel better about myself. Thank you.

Yeah, that's what I'm doing.

Yolanda!

I have to tell you something!

Well, tell me while I vacuum, I have to hurry for my date with Marco!

About that, I used to date him!

(Shouting) What?

I used to date Marco!

What the hell you talkin' about?

Marco likes women.

Now.

I don't believe you.

Shark tattoo right between the...

Oh my damn!

I'm sorry.

Marco must have been experimenting, and I was his laboratory.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't want you to get hurt.

'Cause even though Marco went straight, he still might fluctuate.

Oh, that is so sweet, Elliot.

But let's be real.

He went "gaysian," then changed his persuasion.

Oh, hey, I had a thought about Ruben.

Oh, you noticed he chews weird, and you kicked him to the curb?

He chews perfectly.

Finally!

Hey, listen, the point is uh, you got your groove back.

You know, so now you can get out there and you can date other people, not Ruben.

Are you crazy?

I finally meet a guy I like, that's why I'm breaking the seven-date rule on having sex tonight.

No! No, no, no. Don't.

Put that away!

The rule is very clear, okay?

Booty's gotta wait until you find things you hate.

Okay, what is going on?

Because a couple of days ago, you couldn't wait for me to meet someone.

And now you want me to dump him?

Okay, sit down.

There's something about Ruben you should know.

Okay, well tell me.

Because I think he's the perfect man.

Not so much of a man...

As a manwich.

What?

(Sighs) Ruben...

Is a sandwich.

Yes, Gabi. Haha!

I'm sure he's never heard that one before.

No, no, no. No! Listen, my point is Ruben is a sandwich, a professional sandwich.

Ruben is Sammy the sammich.

Hold on.

You mean, the one that stands outside the...

Uh-huh. Yeah.

With the...

Who does the...

Yeah.

What the...

Go!

I don't understand. Why can't you just break up with him over text like all the other ones?

Because he lied to me.

I almost had a one-night "standwich."

Here he is.

Hey!

Why didn't you tell me?

I mean, we-we stayed up all night talking.

We shared intimate details of our lives.

I know your favorite sandwich!

But you forgot to mention that you are one!

(Gasps) Hey!

Gabi: Hey, hey!

Don't push me!

Nobody shoves my best friend.

Come here! (Grunting)

(Grunts)

(Gabi groans)

(Sofia screams)

You got to apologize!

(Gabi and Sofia gasp)

You're not Ruben.

You're damn right I'm not.

(Gasps)

Uh, five second rule. I'm so sorry!

(Gabi and Sofia grunting)

I'm so sorry.

Sofia? What are you doing here?

Oh my God. The gloves.

You are a sandwich!

I was gonna tell you, but Gabi made me swear not to.

What?

All right, you can't pin this all on me.

This never would have happened if you didn't lie to me on your HeyCupid profile.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back it up, sista.

Profile?

I thought you said he was a friend of Cooper's.

Uh...

Okay. Listen, I'm-I'm just gonna come clean. Okay?

Cooper went on HeyCupid...

Gabi.

I'm sorry.

I set you up with a fake dating profile,

'cause I wanted you to find the perfect guy.

Oh my God.

You know, this is too much...

Even for you.

You're lucky this doesn't have a middle finger!

(Gasps)

Everyone's talking about this place.

(Both chuckle)

And the food looks good.

Oh, the porterhouse steak sounds awesome.

Oh, but the Chinese chicken salad looks delish!

So you can go either way, huh?

I sure can.

I think I'll have the salad.

I love an Asian dressing.

(Giggles)

And undressing.

(Forced chuckle)

Bop, bop, bop.

(Marco's voice) Let's hurry and order.

The sooner we eat, the sooner we can burn off these calories.

Oh, hell no, Elliot!

Elliot?

Oh.

I see what this is about.

He told you we used to date and it freaks you out that I've been with men.

Oh, no, no.

I-I'm cool with that. I mean, whatever floats your boat.

But Elliot?

Let's leave the past in the past.

Tonight is just you and me.

(Giggles) Oh, you're right.

I'm being silly.

Mmm.

Ah!

I can't.

I'm sorry, Elliot... I mean, Marco...

El Marco. Bye!

This whole Caroline thing just really screwed with my head.

I need to work out some frustration.

Couldn't you just drink, like my dad?

I mean, it was so stupid.

I don't even have feelings for her anymore.

It meant nothing.

Ouch!

Yeah, I know. It sounds harsh, but it's true.

She was never right for me. None of these girls were.

Why do I keep hooking up with all these women?

(Panting) Okay, you need to stop.

I wish I could, Elliot. I wish I could.

(Groans) It hurts!

You're damn right, it does, but maybe I bury this pain by sleeping around.

Why are you doing this?

Maybe because I want that feeling, Elliot.

The feeling you get when you're excited about somebody, when you can't get enough of them.

When all you do is think about them...

The way I feel about Gabi.

Gabi?

Oof!

Oh my God, that's it.

I still have feelings for Gabi.

(Sighs)

Now what?

Call 911.

Even though I am eating this sundae you made to buy back my friendship, it does not mean that I have forgiven you.

Sofia, I noticed that you are picking out and not eating the almonds.

(Clears throat) Let me stop you right there.

I know what you're doing.

You put almonds in my sundae, knowing that I do not like them, because even though the sundae's not perfect, I'll love it anyway.

Oh, did you pick up on that?

And it's not gonna work because a sundae isn't a person, unless you're planning to set me up with a person who dresses like a sundae.

Let me ask you something. Who's the biggest disaster you've ever met in your whole life?

You.

Okay, first off, you answered that too fast.

And second, despite what happened today, do you love me?

(Sighs) Of course I do.

Well, then why is it you can accept all of my flaws and still love me, but you can't do that with the guys that you date?

I don't know.

It's j... it's just different with guys.

Oh, is it?

Yes, I mean, they're...

They're like...

They do... (Sighs)

Wow, that's a really good point.

Well, let me ask you another question.

Would you still love me if I was a sandwich?

Oh my God.

My plan has worked.

Ruben!

Oh!

I am... I am so, so sorry!

I really like you, and I don't care if you're a sandwich.

We just won't tell my parents.

Oh, please tell me I have the right one.

Yeah, you do.

Thank God!

Marco, I had a feeling you'd call.

I just wanted to make up for the Madonna concert.

Papa don't mean to preach, but I have a boyfriend.

I just thought that since you're here, you and your boyfriend aren't exclusive.

It's just a drink.

Yeah, that's what you said the night we met.

(Marco's voice) Look me in the eye and tell me that you're not attracted to me, baby.

That you don't want a big slice of this.

Ah!

Sorry, I can't do this!

Marco... Yolanda... Malanda.

Bye!