02x09 - Young & Pretty Woman

[bunniefuu]

This is it, Elliot. Today is the day.

I'm doing this. I am definitely doing this.

And you're gonna be wonderful.

What are you doing?

Telling Gabi how I feel about her.

Eww.

Cooper's flies in tonight, so I gotta get to her before he does.

I've watched all of her favorite rom-coms as inspiration.

I know how Harry met Sally, and I know why they're sleepless in Seattle, what I can't figure out is how to tell Gabi I love her.

Why don't you tell her that?

What?

That speech. It was beautiful.

It was kind of beautiful.

Come on, let's do this.

You're not coming with me.

I know. I want you to drop me off at Alan's.

He said he had something big to show me.

And the last time he did that, I was smiling for a week.

I should probably throw on some pants.

I'll help.

Good morning.

Thank you so much for letting Cooper live here.

Ah, stay here.

Right, stay here until he gets a job.

The point is, we're living together.

Ah-ha... staying together.

(Phone dings)

Oh my God, it's him.

He'll be here any minute.

Oh my God, he'll be here any minute!

How am I gonna have time to put on all my makeup so I look natural?

(Knocks on door)

It's him. Aah!

I'm super Cooper bear, and I can't wait to put my paws on...

Okay, it's Sofia.

Hi.

Cooper, what the hell is wrong with you?

The last time you were here, you promised me that you would tell Gabi that Josh had feelings for her.

You begged me to let you tell her, and I was sensitive to your feelings.

I was about to tell her, and then she told me that she loved me.

What was I supposed to say to that?

"I love you too. By the way, so does Josh"?

Okay, I'm gonna give you one last chance.

If you don't tell her by the end of the day, I'm gonna.

I thought the T.S.A. was rough.

(Knocks on door)

Both: What are you doing here?

I came from China to live with Gabi.

Your turn.

I came from my house to talk to Gabi.

Oh, interesting. And you used the front door this time, not the fire escape?

Hmm?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right.

I know. I know it all, including the fact that you love Gabi, which you lied to me about and told me you didn't.

What? How do you...?

What?

Sofia accidentally told me.

So I know everything. No secrets.

All right, does Gabi know?

Okay, one secret.

Which means you didn't tell her. Why didn't you tell her?

Because you're scared if she finds out I have feelings for her, she'll choose me. (Chuckles) Me.

Will she, though?

Because I'm pretty sure when she asked me to live here and told me she loved me, it 'cause she chose me.

Me.

Hey, Cooper, I just rolled out of...

Josh, what are you here for?

Ha! I'll tell you what I'm not here for... an interrogation.

(Theme music playing)

♪ She in the spotlight ♪
♪ And she turn her head ♪
♪ She run a red light ♪
♪ 'Cause she bad like that ♪
♪ I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby ♪
♪ Baby, I like that. Ooh, baby, ooh, baby ♪

You know what makes me sick?

It's that she never would have even met Cooper if it wasn't for me, damn it.

I gotta figure out my next move.

How about the windows?

Yolanda, I'm serious.

What am I gonna do?

I'll tell you what you're gonna do.

Nothing. Cooper just got back.

Gabi's all hot and bothered and into him.

But the boy's got no job, and three people in that tiny apartment... watch how fast that bloom falls off that rose.

How am I gonna make it through a whole day without seeing you?

I guess I'll just have to give you something to remember me by.

Oh my damn.

Oh, that doesn't mean anything.

Hey, guys. Didn't see you there.

Josh, we didn't have a chance to catch up this morning.

How are you doing, buddy?

Still filthy rich. How about you, Cooper?

Other than a little tired from having so much sex, can't complain.

Well, I hope you're not too tired.

I hear looking for work can be exhausting.

Of course, I wouldn't know. I usually do the hiring.

Actually, I could easily get a job,

'cause I'm, you know, a genius.

But I can't take a tech job for six months because I have a non-compete clause from my last company.

So there's just really no point in competing, Josh.

Yeah, but Cooper can get freelance stuff.

That's why I gave him my car. He's gonna go out to look for a job today.

No job and no car?

Ha! I give it a week.

Well, Alan showed me his big surprise.

He liquidated his retirement account and bought a karaoke bar.

I'm gay and Asian, and still think that's a stupid idea.

Hey, I think it's exciting he's following his dream.

Ooh, Alan should hire Cooper to do all the technical stuff.

I did put on a laser show at my prom.

It was way better than actually going.

And Cooper worked for Josh and he did a great job. Right, Josh?

Yes.

Fine.

But I hope you work as cheap as your girlfriend looks in that outfit.

Cheaper.

Ringy-dingy! I got your lunch thingy.

I put crinkle cut potato chips in the sandwich just like you like... just my little way of saying...

I love you.

What?

Nothing.

Oh, okay.

Well, I'm gonna head back to the kitchen.

I love you.

Okay, just to clarify... are you speaking to me or the sandwich?

Gabi, I've been waiting for the right time to tell you this. Not sure this is it.

But I love you.

Why are you laughing?

I don't know what to say.

How about,

"I love you too, Josh"?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Ah... that's super sweet and super flattering.

So I'm going to say thank you and head back to the kitchen.

So enjoy your lunch.

Okay, now that I had a moment to think about it, quick question: Where the hell did that come from?

I mean, suddenly, out of the clear blue, you tell me something like that? I mean, why now?

Why now?

Of course.

'Cause I'm with Cooper. And it's driving you crazy because you're so competitive.

To you, I'm just a trophy to win.

Well, guess what. I'm no prize.

Okay, all right, I am a prize, but not yours.

Enjoy your lunch.

I mean, how dare you, you know?

I'm happier than I've ever been.

And you say something like this to try and mess with my head. Well, guess what.

My head is not messed. In fact, it's clearer than ever.

I love Cooper.

Hmm, thought she was coming back.

Oh my God, Sofia, I had the craziest day at work.

I brought Josh in a sandwich for lunch and then all of a sudden he said "I love you."

Yes!

That is a crazy day at work.

You must have been totally shocked. Did my name come up?

No. Why would your name come up?

Because I'm your best friend and you tell me everything, so tell me everything.

Okay, you're never gonna believe this, but when he told me that he loved me, I felt nothing.

Nothing?

Nothing.

Do you know how good it felt to feel nothing?

I mean, you know how into him I was.

Uh-huh.

But now it's gone. It's totally gone. I love Cooper.

Oh my God, I'm off the hook.

We're off the hook. You're off the hook.

This is off the hook!

Okay, I'm gonna go change to have dinner with the man I love...

Cooper, not Josh. Yay!

Hell yay!

Oh, are those for me?

No, they're for Gabi, because you're making me tell her about Josh tonight.

Well, they should be for me, because I'm about to tell you some great news.

You don't have to tell her about Josh tonight.

Oh, why, you ask?

Because today he told her he loves her. Isn't that great?

How is that great?

Honestly, that makes me want to punch a wall.

Okay, calm down, macho.

I've seen your pokemon toothbrush.

Look, it's great because, first of all, she doesn't love him. She loves you.

And second of all, we don't gotta tell her.

We don't have to tell... we don't have to tell her!

Yeah, but if you keep screaming it, we will.

Sorry, sorry. This is great.

If the secret is no longer a secret, we're not keeping anything from her.

The right thing got done, and we didn't have to tell her.

It's like a gift.

It is like a gift.

And so much better than that stupid bear.

(Knocks) Hi.

Josh, what are you doing here? You scared me half to death.

Look, I've been thinking about what happened this afternoon. We need to talk.

No, I said everything I needed to say already.

All right, Cooper is sleeping right there. You need to go.

The nerve of this guy.

Here you go.

(Screams)

Oh my God.

This is a dream. I'm dreaming.

Why am I dreaming about Josh?

'Cause you have feelings for me.

No, I don't.

You have to leave. I don't have feelings for you.

I love Cooper.

Do you really want me to leave?

Yes.

Told you you loved me.

(Gasps)

No, I don't want you here. You have to leave.

Really?

Then why are you about to kiss me?

(Gasps)

What? Is there fire? Are there clowns?

No, I... I... I just had a bad dream.

What happened? You want to talk about it?

No, I'm good.

I'm good.

Look how great the sign turned out.

We are now officially the "me sing?

I could never. Ok!" Karaoke bar.

Yay.

Okay, enough. What's with all the fake yays?

It's like sex with my first boyfriend.

I'm just concerned.

Either the bar fails and you're sad, or it succeeds, and then you own a karaoke bar.

(Cooper over speakers) Fear not.

This bar shall flourish.

See? Told you I was one of the chosen people.

Hey, Coopy, are the lights all hooked up?

Yep. You guys ready for a demo?

Expensive.

It's like a rainbow.

I'm dying.

All right, I gotta run out and grab a few things.

Oh, hey, you want me to pick up a couple of disco balls?

What do you think?

Alan, I'm just worried you'll lose all your money.

Elliot, this is my dream and it's happening.

The boat's leaving the dock.

You can either wave goodbye or get in the boat and help me row.

Ugh, it's a rowboat?

Fine, but you row.

I'll go sip a cosmo adorably at the bar.

I am so excited that you asked me to cater your opening night, Alan.

Ooh, boneless chicken wings.

It's adorable how you made them look like little penises.

They're microphones.

Oh.

'Cause of the singing.

That makes a lot more sense.

You know, I'm... I'm sure they're delicious, but I'm too nervous to eat.

Oh, why are you nervous? The bar looks great.

Elliot and I have been at such odds over this place.

I want opening night to be perfect, just like Elliot.

You know, he's the one.

Oh yeah, the one that makes me cry in the laundry room.

Um, Alan. Can I ask you a question?

How do you know which one is the one, especially if there could be two that are both the one?

No, Gabelah, there can only be one "the one."

Exactly. I mean, then... How do you know?

It's simple. It's the kiss.

I remember when I kissed Elliot for the first time.

We were in college.

I'd had one and a half Zimas, and I was feeling really loose, so I just went for it.

That kiss made my toes curl.

That's the only way you know.

So "one potato, two potato" is out?

Gabi, look, I'm glad you came by.

I don't think we finished our conv...

Enjoy your beer.

Hey!

Josh, I'm really sorry.

I know that came as a shock, but... (Gasps)

Gabi, I got your text. What's up, baby?

Thanks for coming. Uh, Sofia's stuck at work and I really needed to talk to somebody.

In the laundry room?

Yeah, I'm... I'm hiding out in here from Cooper and life.

What's wrong, baby?

Well, I have a dilemma.

Cooper moved in upstairs and now I'm starting to feel things for Josh downstairs.

Oh my damn.

Go on.

Josh told me that he loved me.

And I didn't think that I had any feelings for him, but it turns out, I do. And so I talked to Alan, and he said the only way to find out if those feelings are real, is to kiss him.

And so I did. And, Yolanda, that kiss was...

Amazing.

Well, it was for me, so it had to be for her too, right?

Well, there's only one way for me to answer that question.

Elliot.

I mean, she had to be into it.

And the second kiss... I felt that...

In my toes. In my toes, Yolanda.

But... you know, I have Cooper, who quit his job in China to be here with me.

And he's so sweet and caring and wonderful.

And how could I pick Josh over him?

How could she pick Cooper over me?

I mean, I'm a catch.

I'm smart. I'm successful.

And, might I say, I can be...

A little arrogant if he thinks he can just sleep with half of San Francisco and then say, "I love you, Gabi," and I'll be like "Okay, Josh."

But?

But, ah, it's just there, you know... that chemistry and that passion...

That electricity.

You can't deny it.

I can't deny it. What am I gonna do?

Oh, I can't tell you what to do, baby.

I'm biased. I love Josh.

I'm biased. I hate Gabi.

But I love you, so good luck.

Thanks, man.

So what are you gonna do?

The mature thing, you know.

I'm gonna hide down here until it's time to go to the karaoke bar and just hope that an answer magically comes to me.

You know what I'd do in your situation?

Put a couple of quarters in and ride the spin cycle.

Hey.

Hey, Josh. Need a drink?

Yeah, sure.

Cool. Bar's over there.

Ooh, "Total Eclipse of the Heart."

That's, like, my jam.

We should do a duet.

I'm more of a solo act.

Hi.

Hi.

Um, appetizer?

Yeah, ah thanks.

They're not penises.

I didn't think they were.

They're little microphones, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because of the karaoke and the singing. Yeah.

I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna stay.

I'm so happy. You're all mine now.

What?

I mean, you're done serving food?

Oh, yeah, yeah, right. All yours.

Hello, everyone.

Welcome to the grand opening of "Me sing? I could never. Ok!"

This has been my lifelong dream.

And I couldn't have done it without my other lifelong dream... Elliot Park.

That's me. I'm a dream weaver.

You know, I did a really stupid thing 20 years ago.

I found the man of my dreams, and I never told him how I felt about him.

Why? I had a million excuses.

I was afraid of rejection. It was never the right time.

I had a girlfriend.

So we never got together.

I could kick myself for not telling you how I felt back then when I knew in my heart you were the only one.

Well, we can't go back, but I learned something really important: I'm never gonna be that stupid again.

Elliot Park, will you marry me?

Oh my God.

Oh my God. For me?

I hope it fits.

I have hands like little starfish.

Yes or no? My knees aren't the best.

Yes.

(Cheering)

Hey.

Is everything okay?

No.

Do you want me to leave you alone?

No.

I was really, really happy that Cooper was here.

(Over speakers) And then you told me that you loved me and everything got confused.

And then I kissed you and you kissed me and then I got even more confused.

And then I heard Alan's speech.

I'm not confused anymore.

Josh, it's you.

No, wait. Um...

I... I have to talk to Cooper first.

I mean, the last thing I want to do is embarrass him.

Cooper: Too late.

Cooper, I'm so sorry.

No, I'm the one who's sorry.

You want to be with Josh?

Fine.

But you should know something first.

Josh, you want to tell her?

Ah... You know what? Let me.

Cooper, don't.

Don't "don't" me.

Gabi, before you fall for Josh's big "I love you," you should know that he thought he loved you three months ago, right before he called off his wedding.

Oh, yeah.

And he told everybody but you, and then, when he changed his mind, convinced everyone to lie to you about it.

Yolanda lied. Elliot lied.

Even Sofia lied, only after being bought off with a new cell phone.

Which brings us to today, when all of a sudden he loves you again now that we're together.

I wonder how long it'll last this time.

Anyway, I, ah... I wish you all the best.

See? I can lie too.

Is it true?

Gabi, I can explain everything.

Oh my God, it is true.

Gabi, wait.

No, get the hell away from me.

Okay, next up we have Josie singing "Hungry Like the Wolf."

Thank God I didn't pay retail for that styrofoam heart.

I'm sorry.

I wanted tonight to be perfect for you.

It was.

And not just because Gabi ran out of here crying.

My ring is beautiful.

It's a tiny bow tie, 'cause you're my tiny bow tie.

I'm sorry I was so bitchy about you buying this place.

I was wrong. This place is packed.

I think we have a hit on our hands.

I know. And imagine how much money we'll make once I start charging for food and drinks.

Ay-yi-yi.