02x15 - Young & Earthquake

[bunniefuu]

Okay. Fortune cookie time.

Pick one.

This one. No, this one.

No, this one.

Okay, how about this one?

"When asked, you will gladly bend over backwards."

Boring!

Yeah, they're all boring.

That's why you have to add "in bed."

"When asked, you will gladly bend over backwards..."

Both: In bed!

(Laughing)

That's good. Okay. Your turn. Your turn.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Oh, please tell me I'm going to get a job.

What? Are you kidding me?

I got nothing.

In bed!

No. I... I really don't have anything. My cookie's empty.

In bed!

(Laughing) I love it!

Gabi, stop. I'm really depressed.

It's obvious I'm never going to get a job and this cookie doesn't have the balls to tell me.

Okay. Well, you're never going to get a job sitting at home reading fortune cookies. Okay?

You have to take this seriously.

You have to go somewhere that actually is going to help you find a job.

(Scoffs) And where is that?

The spirits are telling me that money is coming your way.

Okay. How is this different from a fortune cookie?

Well, she's not a cookie, and she is a trained professional.

This is ridiculous.

I see that soon you will be... asking for a refund "in bed."

(Theme music playing)

♪ She in the spotlight ♪
♪ and she turned my head ♪
♪ she run a red light ♪
♪ 'cause she bad like that ♪
♪ I like that, ooh, baby, ooh, baby, baby ♪
♪ I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby ♪

I can't believe you brought me here.

Well, where was I supposed to bring you?

Uh... I don't know. A job counselor?

(Scoffing)

A job counselor.

Like that's not a total scam!

I'm sensing tension.

(Gasps) See? She's good.

Okay. Yeah, okay.

Absolute stranger with rudimentary skills at reading facial cues, tell me my "future."

Ooh, I'm getting something.

I sense that both of your lives are about to be shaken up.

(Gasps) Oh, my God.

That's super vague.

There's more.

(Softly) There's going to be a seismic shift in your world.

(Gasps) Oh, my God.

You just said the same thing...

(Whispering) But you whispered it.

The tremors are gonna ripple through... now you're just using different words.

Earthquake, bitch!

There's going to be an earthquake!

See? See what you did. You made her mad and now there's going to be an earthquake.

Gabi, come on. Anyone can predict an earthquake. This is San Francisco.

But she didn't say exactly when it was gonna happen.

It's gonna happen the next time you pee.

Me?

Sofia, could you take the, ah, cake samples over to the table, please? I can't move.

Gabi, this is not healthy. Would you just pee already?

The fate of San Francisco rests on my bladder.

You are being ridiculous.

Oh, I don't think anything about this situation is ridiculous.

Oh, my God. Our wedding cake has to be this dark chocolate ganache.

It's my number one choice.

Please don't say "number one."

But I like the peanut butter.

Mmm. Please don't say pee.

Okay, that's enough. Come over here. I gotta tell you something.

No, no, no, no, no.

Sofia, what, okay? I'm doing cake tasting... (Gasps)

(Sneezes)

Yes!

Oh, no!

Take cover, everybody!

Damn, how bad does she have to go?

Sofia, what's going on?

Gabi thinks that if she pees there's going to be an...

Earthquake!

Hey! Did you guys feel that? Is everybody okay?

Did anything break?

Yeah. My diet.

Thank you so much for squeezing us in.

Yes, I am so sorry that I ever doubted you. Ye have much wisdom.

Can you tell us everything that's going to happen?

Yeah. Don't leave anything out, okay?

And first off, ah, is it safe to pee again?

(Chiming)

Aha!

Ooh, what does that mean?

Mmm. My microwave popcorn is done.

Ooh! Ah! Yes!

You're going to be offered a big bundle of money...

(Both gasp)

...which will lead to you having a big chubby bundle of joy wrapped in blue.

(Both gasp)

A bundle of money... you're going to get a job!

Yeah. And some guy at my new job is going to knock me up.

Wait. What?

Your instinct will be to say no to this offer, but don't.

Oh, she won't. Now me.

I see that someone is going to ask for your hand.

(Gasps)

My hand? Like in marriage?

It's unclear.

But something about this relationship is gonna be smoking hot.

(Gasps) Wow. Who is it? Tell me!

Can you tell me anything? Something?

Well, his name starts with the letter "J."

(Gasps)

"J"?

Whose name starts with the letter "J"? "J"..."J"...

(Gasps)

Is the second letter "O"? Is the second letter "O"?!

Bitch, you can't buy a vowel.

This isn't Wheel of Fortune. Who do I look like, Vanna White?

(Josh wheezing)

Josh, are you okay?

Last time I saw a man struggling that hard to breathe... we had to switch positions.

I'm okay.

I just... walked up 27 flights of stairs. I'm okay.

But they fixed the elevator after the earthquake.

You ever heard of aftershocks?

When I was a kid, there was an earthquake, I was trapped alone in this elevator for two hours.

To this day I shudder whenever I hear light jazz.

Yeah. Me, too.

White people ruin everything.

Oh, damn it. I left my phone down there.

Hey, Yolanda, would you mind...

Ah! Newsflash!

Josh, a black woman going to a rich white man's car, taking his phone...

Never ends well.

Now, what I want you to do, is I want you to go out there, get in that elevator and show it who's boss.

You're right. I'm being crazy.

Hell, yeah, you are!

Josh Kaminski!

Kick ass, Kaminski!

I'm not scared of stuff!

Damn straight, you're not.

(Scoffs) I can take it if I feel like it.

(Elevator chimes)

But I don't feel like it.

I can't believe Josh is going to propose to me.

God, what is he thinking? I mean, we couldn't make dating work...

How are we supposed to make marriage work?

He is out of his mind.

Yeah, well least you're getting a ring...

I'm going to be the unmarried pregnant best friend.

Ugh, I always thought that'd be you.

I mean, I work for the man.

He's putting me in a very awkward position.

Oh, you want to talk about awkward position?

Try being in your third trimester and looking for a date on Tinder.

Okay. Well, we just have to stick together, okay?

You stay by my side and don't let Josh propose to me.

Okay. And you stay by my side and don't let anyone put a baby in lil' so-so.

Hey, guys, what you doing?

Gabi, I know this is unfamiliar to you... but it's called reading.

It's a pamphlet on fertility.

After that dreadful earthquake...

We realized life is short.

So we started talking about life, and we... decided to have a baby!

(Gasps)

Oh, you wanted to tell them? Go ahead.

We decided to have a baby. Whatever...

Congratulations!

Oh, guys, that's amazing!

That's why we're so glad to see you.

Using an anonymous egg donor is so impersonal.

So we'd rather ask someone we know.

Would you consider being our egg donor, Sofia?

Oh, do you want to ask her? Go ahead.

Would you consider being... ah, forget it.

Oh, my God!

Wait, you want one of her eggs?

Oh, it's nothing personal, Gabalah.

We just don't want to raise a demon spawn.

We'd give you $20,000 for your egg and you'd help us get a little bundle of joy.

Oh, my God, a bundle of joy!

Oh, my God!

A bundle of money!

(Both) It's happening.

You don't have to say yes right now...

Yes.

I knew it. We started too high. I told you she would've taken eight.

So you'll go with us tomorrow to a fertility doctor to see if you're a candidate?

Well, a psychic told me to say "yes," so yes!

Oy, a psychic! I thought you said she was smart.

Wait, your prediction came true.

Does that mean that Josh is about to...

(wheezing)

Gabi...! (wheezing)

Gabi, will you...

No, no, no, no! I'm too young.

Please make me a smoothie.

Please make me a smoothie!

I know this might seem a little scary, Sofia... but Elliot and I are here for you every step of the way.

Anything you need, you let us know.

Thanks, guys.

Just think, our own little bundle of... crap!

Look at all these posters.

Oh, I can't!

If I wasn't gay already...

I wouldn't know the first thing to do with this.

Yeah, neither do straight guys.

Why is there a Sonicare in here?

Oh! Ah, that's not a toothbrush. That's an ultrasound wand.

Yeah, the doctors use it to look inside your, ah...

Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!

Wow! It's all vag*na all the time in here.

Remember that stuff we said about us being there... I'm going to go.

Yeah, just go.

Have a good meeting, Josh.

Okay. See you.

All right.

Bye!

Trying to take the stairs?

Why are these stair doors locked? It's a fire hazard.

Because we are conquering your fear right here and right now.

No!

That is a bad idea.

I don't wanna.

Come on, Josh. Don't worry. I did a little research online.

And they say if you want to conquer your fear, all you have to do is associate it with something that makes you happy.

Like f*ring you?

Or...

Donuts!

Start eating one of these as soon as you get on the elevator. Like this.

Damn, that's good.

Yolanda, Um... the elevator doors didn't even open.

No. But my mouth did.

(Elevator dings)

Josh!

Get in that elevator!

Bye!

Okay. I can do this.

Yeah, okay, Josh.

Honestly, I know what you're about to do and I am just not ready.

And I can see that you're really nervous, too.

It's going to be fine! It's going to be fine!

Well, yeah, of course it's going to be fine.

I mean, you're smart and you're handsome... no, no, no, no. Don't do this, okay?

Don't do thi... (Gasps)

It's a big one! It's a big one!

What's happening?

Earthquake!

(Screaming)

Oh, God, Josh. I will marry you!

Elliot, it's over.

You can let go now.

But you're so strong...

Like a Jewish Channing Tatum.

You just bought yourself five more seconds.

(Gasps)

God!

(Panting)

Hello!

Somebody! Somebody help!

(Man) Sofia Maria Consuela Rafaela Rodriguez?

That's me! Wait, who is that?

Is that God?

Close. It's Dr. Walker at the urine sample pass-through.

Oh!

Are you okay?

No! I can't get the door open.

Okay, don't worry. I already called for help. Everything's going to be fine.

(Sighs) That's easy for you to say. You're out there.

That's true. If I was trapped in there I'd be freaking out.

Can you just keep talking to me?

I'm scared there's going to be an aftershock.

Okay. Um, what's your favorite ice cream?

Oh! Uh...

Rocky road, cookie dough, too young to die.

That last one's not a flavor, it's just how I feel.

Oh, my God. I'm freaking out. Can you just say something else?

You have the prettiest eyes I've ever seen through a urine pass-through.

Aw. Well, my eyes are not what I thought you'd be looking into when I got here.

(Electricity crackling)

Are we stuck?

Mm-hmm.

What're we gonna do?

Well, first I'm going to put you down.

'Kay.

Then you're going to explain why you said you'll marry me.

'Kay.

So... you know that thing where you think somebody's going to propose to you... but you're not ready, so you're like, "no way!"

And then you think you're going to die, so you're like, "let's do this!"

Gabi, what reason could you possibly have to think I was going to propose to you?

A psychic told me.

And there it is.

Madame Paulette said, the guy whose name started with the letter "J" was going to ask for my hand and that our relationship would be "smoking hot"!

Well, I mean...

That does sound like me.

All right, look. As reliable of a source as madame Paulette is...

I can assure you, Gabi, the last thing I'm going to do right now is propose to you.

Yeah. The "last thing" is a little harsh.

Stupid psychic. It would've been nice if she was going to tell me we're going to get stuck in an elevator.

She sucks.

We're good now?

No! We're stuck in an elevator!

Okay, relax. Everything's going to be fine.

Take a deep breath. Breathe. (Breathing deeply) See!

Lot's of oxygen in here.

Plenty of space to move around if we want to.

(Squeals)

Or freeze exactly in place.

(Light jazz playing)

I gotta get the hell outta here!

What are you doing? Wait! What are you doing?

I'm going to go climb up a floor and open the elevator doors, and get you help!

No, no, no! Please don't go.

Gabi, I have to get out of here before the sax solo kicks in.

Can I tell you something?

After the first earthquake, I was thinking "life is short...

Why wait to have a kid?"

But now I'm thinking, "life is short...

Why spend it with a kid?"

Really?

Because when I thought I was going to die, I wasn't thinking about babies, I was thinking about you.

We may not have that much time left, but I know I want to spend it with only you.

And not here in vag*na central.

Aw, my little knish!

Aw! My little sweet and sour dumpling.

Ooh, all of a sudden I'm hungry.

I could go for a nosh.

Oh, what about Sofia?

Oh, yeah! Sofia!

Sofia, you want anything from the deli?

I'm trapped in here!

We'll take that as a no.

We would've made such good parents.

The best.

It's nice of you to consider donating an egg to help your friends.

Yeah, well, I'm not exactly donating.

I'm kinda doing it for the money.

And 'cause a psychic told me to.

Oh, a psychic. Well, then for sure you should do this.

You think?

No! It's crazy!

Isn't it?

I mean, at first I thought, "cha-ching, easy money and it wouldn't even hurt," and then it's like, "where'd my egg go?

"What egg? Who cares? I have a million more. I won't even miss it."

But then, what if in 18 years I get a knock on the door and it's some kid saying, "Mama," and then I'm like, "Federico Jose Pablo Enrique Rodriguez...

What are you doing here?"

Can I give you some advice?

What? Advice from an actual professional? That'll be a welcome change.

If you're not ready for this, don't do it.

Follow your gut.

My gut is telling me to say no...

But my bank account is telling me, "take the money, fool."

Hey! I have a prediction for you.

What?

A single, young doctor is going to ask you out for ice cream...

If that's not too forward and you're not lactose intolerant?

Uh, I think I'd really like that.

(Thudding)

My God! Oh, my God!

(Gasps) I'm saved!

Uh, I'll see you on the other side.

No matter what occurs, I will find you!

Thank you!

Sofia?

It's me, from the urine pass-through.

Oh, my God.

What?

The psychic was right.

It's not a baby at all.

You're the chubby bundle of joy wrapped in blue.

(Scoffs) I've been called worse.

But I get it if you changed your mind and don't want to go out for ice cream. It's totally cool.

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, I don't.

Unless it's, uh, after a romantic dinner.

Dinner and ice cream?

That's the perfect night. I don't even need you to go!

Gabi!

Is this the right floor? I found a fireman.

Yes, yes, yes! This is the right floor.

Thank God, it's been forever!

It's been eight minutes.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. Just get me out of here.

Give me your hand.

I'm sorry, what did you say?

Your hand. Give me your hand.

You're asking me for my hand?

Yeah, so I can pull you out of there.

What's your name?

Lieutenant Reynolds.

First name. First name.

Jason.

Jason!

With a "J"?

Ma'am, did you hit your head in there?

No, no! I'm fine. Oh, my God, the psychic was right!

A "J" did ask for my hand.

And she was right about smoking hot!

Thank you.

Well, I meant 'cause you're a fireman, but hi, I'm Gabi.

Well, I have to see about the people in the other floors... but I can check on you later if you want.

Yeah, I want. Ah...

I, ah, work in the penthouse. Swing by anytime.

All right. Well, I'll see you guys later.

(Laughing loudly) Looking forward to it.

He is so brave.

I shimmied out of the elevator... climbed up the cable... pried the doors open above us with my bare hands... and I found you help, but yeah... he's superman.

(Woman screams)

And this is not our floor...

Oh, look, Madame Paulette, I usually talk to my girl Scarlet over on Liberty Street...

But both my friends said they met guys after seeing you.

So I'm hoping you got (whispers) the touch.

I'm sorry, I'm not picking up any vibrations.

Well, maybe you would if you put down that super tiny fork with the... ooh, what kind of bread is that?

Uh-uh! This ain't no buffet, bitch.

Well, then tell me my fortune, bitch.

Ah! See, now I'm getting something.

Ah!

You have already met the man you're going to spend your life with.

Ooh, I have? (Giggling) What does he look like?

He's the exotic type.

Ooh! I love exotic!

I see him in a suit and tie.

Oh, he fancy!

Tell me more.

He wears a bow tie...

And his name starts with an "E."

Oh, hell no!