04x10 - Young & Screwed

So we're agreed?

Totally agreed.

You and I can never have s*x again.

Right.

[sighs]

Starting when?

Now!

I mean, yeah, the s*x was, like, the best I've ever had, but doing it again will lead to doing it again, which will lead to one or both of us having feelings, which will lead to a relationship, which will lead to us breaking up, which will lead to you not being able to focus on work which means you won't be making any new apps which will lead to the economy tanking, causing the world to completely fall apart!

Best you've ever had, huh?

Josh!

Look, I get it.

You and I in a relationship don't work.

We've tried... and failed.

Exactly, so you have to get out of here now.

Okay? If Sofia walks in and she sees this, she's gonna kill me.

Because we broke a lamp?

We broke a lamp?

Up top.

No.

No, no, no. You don't understand, okay?

Sofia has spent so many hours and texts and tequila shots counseling me about you, and she can't find out about this!

Relax. She won't find out from me.

She will if she comes in here and you're all nakedy!

[door unlocking]

Oh, my God, she's here!

Uh... go out the window, go out the window!

Go out... No! Go out the window!

What are you doing?

Naked cleaning.

I should take a picture.

Why? 'Cause I look so sexy?

No, 'cause you're cleaning.

Oh.

Oh, my God! Spider!

Where?

Turn around! It's over there!

[wails]

I got it!

[clattering]

Spider guts.

Okay, well, you just have fun cleaning.

I'm gonna try to get some sleep before my boss calls me.

[phone rings]

Ugh. Dammit!

[sighs]

Hi, Logan.

No, of course I'm not in bed.

Here, take this. Go.

This is your shirt.

Yeah, it's San Francisco. No one will notice.

[sighs]

[theme music playing]

♪ She in the spotlight ♪
♪ And she turn my head ♪
♪ She run a red light ♪
♪ 'Cause she bad like that ♪
♪ I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby, baby ♪

So, ah, our first day after [whispers] the s*x [normal voice] went pretty well, wouldn't you say?

Haven't thought about it once.

Me either.

You lying? Yep.

Yep. You?

But the important thing is it's the weekend. I don't have to see you 'cause I will be here and you will be at your apartment.

[door opening]

Get this.

We are kicked out of our apartment for the weekend.

No!

What?

Our building has termites.

[Yolanda laughs] Sucks for you guys!

Wait a minute, that's my building too!

Yeah. Our building is getting tented tomorrow and the landlord is putting us up at a hotel.

The Pacific Resort.

More like The Last Resort!

That place got fake crab in the buffet and real crabs in the bed!

Wait, how would you know?

Remember when I had that affair with the senator?

[chuckles]

Yeah, well, you guys, we don't have a choice.

We have nowhere else to stay.

Josh!

You got a lot of extra rooms here.

That I do, that I do!

In fact, you've got rooms I've never even been in! [chuckles]

But I've cleaned somehow!

The point is, how about giving us some of those rooms?

No!

I just feel like that hotel sounds like so much fun!

Yeah! It's an exciting adventure!

An adventure that ends with a trip to the free clinic!

Josh, is there some reason you don't want us to stay here?

Pfft. [high-pitched] No, no, no.

I mean, look, I don't know what the big deal is.

I think you guys are blowing this way out of proportion.

There is absolutely no reason whatsoever why you can't sleep with me.

All of you.

Huh?

In my home.

Well... well, great. It's settled then.

Gabi, is it gonna be a problem for you to sleep at Josh's?

[high-pitched] No, no, no.

Why... why would it be?

Well, because you finally got to a good place with him and I don't want the situation turning into a big, dramatic nightmare.

Sofia, it's gonna be fine.

I meant for me.

Look, there's gonna be no drama for anybody.

Definitely not from me. I'm happy to help.

[chuckles] Hey... what if I bought everybody houses?

[Elliot sobbing]

Oh, God. I'm coming, sweetie!

[sobbing]

She's gone!

I'm gonna kill myself with this unicorn!

[sobs]

Elliot, I know you're hurt, but we knew this could happen with a foster child.

You should be happy. Keisha's with her family now.

What does some third cousin have that we don't?

Legal rights and a ranch in Victorville.

Keisha will be fine.

It's you I'm worried about.

Please don't say her name.

It makes my head pound and my heart ache.

From now on, let's just refer to her as...

Pineapple.

Okay, okay.

Why Pineapple?

'Cause I love...

[sobs] pineapple!

All right, that's it.

We gotta get out of here.

We're spending the next few days in a luxury hotel with a jacuzzi tub and a beautiful view of the city.

[muffled dialog]

You're right!

Why spend the money when Josh has a beautiful view?

But wait, the girls are already there. He doesn't need us there too.

[muffled dialog]

You're right!

We'll let him know you're in tears and devastated.

We'll guilt him into it.

How did the Jewish guy not come up with that?

Oh, my God, I can't believe I get to sleep in a house where the oven and the heater are two separate things.

I can't wait to sleep on one of Josh's king size beds!

[inhales] Don't you need a King Kong size bed?

See, Elliot?

You sound like your old self again!

[chuckles] Okay, I made breakfast for everybody.

Waffles with bananas, strawberries, and pineapple.

[sobbing] Pineapple!

Hey!

Look at us.

Me making breakfast, you making... clickety-clack on your laptop.

Yeah, we can... we can definitely do this for a few days.

Absolutely.

Oh, shoot.

You need to leave.

[grunts] Ow!

Oh!

Ow!

Here, let me help you.

You're rich. Buy new pants.

Hi.

Hi.

I, uh, couldn't sleep.

Yeah, me neither. But not because anything is on my mind. [scoffs]

Yeah. Me neither. [chuckles]

Hey, ah, you know what helps? Hot cocoa.

I'll get the marshmallows.

Okay.

Gah!

Why is there duct tape on the fridge?

Oh, Yolanda sleepwalk eats, so she taped it closed.

What?

She eats in her sleep, so she taped it...

It's a whole thing.

So this is nice.

[loudly] So nice.

You know, in the old days, this would have been awkward, but now that we're just friends...

Great friends.

Amazing friends.

In fact, we should watch Friends.

[laughs]

Hey, to great friends.

Amazing friends.

[sighs]

[Gabi giggling] Oh, my God, we did it again.

Josh: Yeah, we did.

Yeah, but we said we'd never do it again.

But we did.

[thump]

[gasps] What was that?

Josh: I don't know.

[Gabi gasps]

Yolanda, it's not what it looks like.

It didn't look like anything until you just said, "It's not what it looks like."

[snoring]

[snoring]

Yolanda?

Is she sleeping?

[snoring]

Oh, my God, she's sleepwalk eating!

That's really a thing?

Yes!

Oh, my God, this is great!

Now she won't even remember this!

Here you go.

There ya go.

I don't know. Okay, we gotta get out of here before anybody catches us.

Yes, Logan, hi.

[sighs] No, of course I'm up.

[chuckles wryly] Who isn't up at 4:00 in the morning? [sighs]

Oh, of course I remembered your ice-cold kombucha.

[panting]

[whispers] What is kombucha?

Please have kombucha!

Yes! Kombucha!

Okay.

This is your dream job.

This is my stepping stone.

And one day, I'm gonna wake assistants up at 4:00 in the morning and ask them to hand-deliver dirt-colored drinks made of... yeast and bacteria. Ugh.

[door closes]

[both sigh]

We gotta stop meeting like this.

This is not funny, okay?

Do you understand how close we came to getting...

[wails]

Why isn't Elliot sleeping with Alan?

Daddy loves you so much, sweet Pineapple!

Thank God he's out.

Oh, my God, I can't believe we almost got caught again.

But we weren't.

Yeah, but we could be the next time.

There's gonna be a next time?

Yes!

No!

I mean, maybe a little hand stuff...

No! Nothing! Okay? We need help!

Okay, there you are.

Alan, we have a huge problem.

Yeah.

And you can't tell anybody, especially Sofia.

Well, my hands are beyond full with Elliot's grieving process.

But you are letting us stay here for free, so talk to me.

We're having s*x.

Together?

I thought you two decided to be just friends.

Yeah, we did, but our parts didn't.

So then what's the problem? Is the s*x bad?

No, it's good.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, but if we keep doing it, it's gonna lead to a relationship, and you saw what happens when we try that.

So, just stop the s*x before you start having feelings.

Okay, but how are we gonna know which s*x time that's gonna be?

Well, how many times do you two think you could do it before all the emotions kick in?

Um, 11?

A hundred?

A hundred?

I have a lot of walls up.

Let's just play it safe and go with 10.

That sounds fair.

But the important thing is you can't go over.

Would you like me to keep track? You can text me right after you do it.

Uh...

No.

[knocking]

Knock, knock! Who's up for Froyo?

Josh, will you pay? My treat.

How is that your treat?

My treat is that I get the fifth one free thanks to my punch card.

Oh... hey!

A punch card.

Th-Th-that's my card. Get your own.

Yeah.

Josh, we should get our own.

Here, give them some money. You guys, go to Froyo. Get as much as you want, but bring us back two new punch cards.

[chuckles]

s*x punch cards. That's genius.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah! Okay, so each card has five punches, and one punch equals one... [makes clicking sound] so 10 punches equals 10... [makes clicking sound]

It is so hot when you add like that.

Mm-hmm. So, uh, do you want to use one of your punches now?

I do. Wait...

We only get five each.

Maybe we should save it for a rainy day.

Really?

Check the weather.

It's gonna rain later, baby.

Yay!

[makes clicking sound]

[slurring] There's my man.

Where have you been all day? I missed you.

Well, someone's in a better mood.

What put that beautiful purple smile on your face?

[chuckles]

Did you drink a whole bottle of wine?

Nope.

One and a half!

Can I offer you some...

Oh, my God, where did you get this?

Sweetie, you got that.

[gasps]

This is a $4,000 bottle of wine.

Elon Musk saved it from a shipwreck and gave it to Josh to make him feel inadequate.

You drank a $4,000 bottle of wine?

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. We gotta replace it.

Replace it? With whose money?

We'll just have to tell Joshua the truth.

Or we can get a cheap bottle of wine, a funnel, and a candle.

Darling, s*x isn't the solution to everything.

[groans] Just... just come with me.

[door opens]

Hi, Gabi.

Hey, is it raining yet?

I don't know. [sighs]

I'm so tired. I've had my eyes closed since Market Street.

All I want is a hot shower and a wide bed.

Oh!

Oh, God! I'm so sorry!

No, it's okay.

I'm so sorry.

It's all right. It's okay. Just go take your shower.

Okay.

You know you're not at home, right?

Yolanda, which one's the hottest, steamiest shower in the house?

Josh's master bath.

It has an amazing pulsing shower head.

Hey, Yolanda, where's the stain stick?

[thunder crashing]

[gasps]

Ooh, rain! Hurry!

Gabi! Gabi, it's... raining. Oh.

She is one step ahead of me.

Fah!

One punch coming right up.

[Sofia and Josh scream]

Why the hell would you walk in on someone in the shower?

[gasps]

I thought that was you in the shower.

You just walked in?

Josh, that's sick!

Just cut it out, you two. I'm tired. I'm not an idiot.

Wait, Sofia.

I can't believe you guys are at it again.

Gabi, you-you-you... you're with him, you're without him, you love him, you hate him, you're over him, you're under him.

I just can't... I can't take it anymore.

Yeah, well, see, Sofia, this is exactly why I didn't tell you.

You know, you're just... you're not very sensitive.

You... Do you understand how many hours of my life I've spent on your drama? I'm done.

No, no, no. Listen, Sofia, you don't understand, okay?

This time is gonna be different.

Josh and I figured out a way so we don't end up in a relationship.

A s*x punch card.

What?

No, we can only have s*x 10 times so that way, we don't fall for each other.

[elevator dings]

Gabi, that is the stupidest idea I've ever heard.

Yeah, well, it's not as stupid as leaving in a towel. [fake gasps]

Great news. It's still raining.

What happened with Sofia?

I don't want to talk about it. I want to use a punch.

Right now? But I thought you guys... Okay, we'll talk after.

Stupid Sofia acting all judgy just 'cause you and I are sleeping together.

Yeah, we are.

I mean, it's not like I never listen to her problems.

I'm there for her every single time she needs me.

Am I wrong? Am I wrong?

You are right. You are so right.

I mean, I expect her to be a little annoyed, but once I explained everything, I thought she'd be a little more understating.

Okay, I can't believe I'm about to say this, but can you please get off of me?

You don't want to have s*x with me?

No, I very much want to have s*x with you, but not when you're preoccupied with Sofia because then it's like I'm having s*x with both of you, which is exactly what I don't want.

[emphatically] I don't want.

Okay, so do you want to use a punch or not?

Gabi, the punch card is supposed to be fun. Is this fun?

No, of course it's not fun! I'm upset!

I can't believe how much she overreacted. I mean, just because she has this new job working for a crazy woman who runs her ragged day and night, I mean, that's not my fault.

[gasps] Oh, my God, that is so my fault.

I didn't even ask her about her new job. I'm so selfish!

Hey, you're not selfish.

I get it.

Sometimes it's hard to resist this.

Yeah, I gotta go talk to Sofia.

Okay, you go. Hey, you know what?

Run like the wind. Hurry up. Take the Porsche. Hurry back.

Good as new. I can't even tell the difference.

Josh will never be the wiser.

You're brilliant, Elliot.

What?

Do you realize it's been like three hours since you mentioned her name?

[gasps] Oh, my God. Keisha.

You didn't say "Pineapple"!

And I'm not in hysterics.

Why do you think?

Why do you think?

Drinking made me forget?

Or maybe you just needed a little time to process, to realize that Keisha's happy with her family... on a farm. They have an emu.

Which is a kind of... goat?

Flightless bird.

Oh. Flightless bird sounds fun, too.

You know what else sounds fun?

Taking down the swing we bought for Keisha and putting up the one we bought for us?

He's back!

[chuckles]

Sofia?

Is it safe to be in here?

Well, the rat in the hallway looked fine.

Both: I'm sorry.

Wait, why are you sorry?

Oh, because you overreacted about me and Josh because you're overwhelmed about your new job that I'm so sorry I never asked you about?

No, it's okay, Gabi.

I-I know that when it comes to you and Josh, you get a little crazy, and it happened to me too.

You know, at this new job, I have to be so professional and-and stuff all my feelings down, and I guess I just took it out on you and Josh.

It felt so good!

Aww. Well, listen, you can vent to me anytime.

Well, you can tell me the truth about you and Josh.

Okay, good, because there's one more thing.

Um, do you remember that lamp that you love?

Josh broke it.

Well, you know, now that I have this new job, maybe I can steal one from work.

Oh, there you go! That's my girl.

And listen, you were so right about this punch card.

It's so stupid. I know I shouldn't be sleeping with Josh.

It messes everything up, even us.

So, you know what? It ends right now.

Aww.

You ripped up your s*x punch card for me.

Mm-hmm. Because you are my best friend.

And you are mine.

You know, all this punch card talk makes me want some Froyo.

Oh, okay.

Well, my treat to congratulate you on your new job as...

Assistant to Logan Rawlings. Yeah.

Assistant to Logan Rawlings!

Yes! That is such a cool job!

Gabi: Um, you know what? I actually... I think I forgot my... wallet.

Sofia: Scotch tape's on top of the fridge!

You're the best!

See, sweetie? This is the perfect distraction.

You're right.

Haven't cried about Keisha leaving in days.

And nothing will ever replace her, but it does help to have another little girl to love.

Isn't that right, Yentl?

And look, Josh sent us a gift to congratulate us on the puppy.

Oh, my God, it's the $4,000 bottle of wine.

You know what we're gonna do with that.

Both: Re-gift.

Come on, Yentl.

[whines softly]

Puppy, can you hear me?

[barks softly]