01x05 - I'm Not Gay, I Love Lucy... Wait a Second, Maybe I am Gay

[bunniefuu]

That must be Ricky right now It's scary, but Ricky's actually starting to get his sh*t together.

I guess he didn't drink last night so that he could take his family on a picnic today and not be hung over I'm pretty impressed with him.

How's it going, Rick?

What's going on man?

Look, can I borrow your propane stove and ten bucks for smokes?

Ten bucks?

All right, it's no big deal, it's just the radiator.

Shut it down, let's go, let's go.

Christ! Someone want to get me out of this thing before it explodes?

Randy get the fire extinguisher. Better call the fire department before Mr. Stupid's car explodes.

Frig off, Lahey.

Did you just call my son stupid, assh*le?

This happens all the time, it's no big deal. It's just a f*ckin' radiator Yeah, I called your son stupid!

Break it up! Break it up Get off!

You sonofa...

Lucy, I just can't believe you blame this on me.

You're the one who left it running.

Well, I wasn't...

If you hadn't left the car running, it wouldn't have over-heated.

This is all your fault. Family day is ruined.

No, the thing is Lucy, is that when I had the car runnin' in the driveway there was all these things going on, you were fixin' your hair and If I'd known it was going to take so long I wouldn't have left it runnin'.

You're going to turn this around on me?

I ruined family day. It's all Lucy's fault.

It's not all your fault, but ninety percent.

This is never going to work. This is ridiculous.

What is that supposed to mean?

What is wrong with this relationship?

Nothin', that's what. We have a f*ckin' pic -

I'm sorry about the swearing. We'll have a picnic tomorrow Ricky, come on, man, forget about it.

Let's go down to the trailer and get drunk. Come on.

Dad, I've got to get the car goin' here. I'll be with you in a minute Tell Mommy I'm sorry, all right? I'm just stressed out 'cause I didn't get drunk last night.

I know it's not your fault Yeah, this is like the seventh time Lucy's dumped him since he's gotten out of jail. I think it's ridiculous.

You know, Julian probably has everything to do with it 'cause she fell for him back in junior high and you never really get over that kind of sh*t, you know?

I'd be worried if they got back together though.

It's my one chance to show I'm a good guy.

I didn't even get drunk last night and now, instead, I'm f*ckin' stupid again.

And that's my fault?

Well, I'm gonna get drunk with my dad, so f*ck all.

Hey, Dad, wait up.

Next message.

Hey, Julian, it's me.

If you heard the headline, Ricky and I are totally over You know, maybe it would be a different story if, like, it was a permanent thing and I had a ring on my finger or somethin'.

But I don't so, you know, whatever. You should call me 'cause I'm just sittin' here all alone gettin' drunk and, you know, you can come by if you want.

I've got lots of rum.

I need some advice. I gotta go see Bubbles.n Plato is the smartest ma that ever lived.

He said it's okay to lie if it truly benefits the cause of the people.

Sucker called it the noble lie So, you have to lie to Lucy, Julian, otherwise she's never gonna leave you alone.

Besides, it's a good lie.

Ricky and Lucy love each other It's not gonna hurt anything I don't feel good lying about Ricky wanting to marry her, but, you know, how else am I going to get them back together?

He loves you guys so much. Do you know that?

Why are we talking about Ricky? You know.

Why are we talking about anything?

You know what I'm saying?

'Cause, Lucy, I wasn't supposed to tell you this, all right.

But Ricky told me that he was going to ask you to marry him today at the picnic. No, I'm serious.

That's why he's so upset. I'm serious.

Really?

He's going to ask me to marry him?

You should give him another chance.

Come on.

You're lying.

Lucy, I'm...

You know how I know you're lying? Because these guys are here.

No, no, no..

Nice...

Lucy, I'm telling you the truth.

What? What?

What the hell is this?

Lucy..

No, don't you "Lucy" me. You come in here with your little TV crew just to add a little bit of drama to get rid of me and Trinity so that you don't have to...

Lucy, I'm not lyin'.

Get your hand off me.

I'm not lyin'.

You're not lyin'?

No.

Well, if you're not lying, why isn't Ricky in front of me, on his knee, right now, asking me for my hand in marriage, eh?

No reason, because it's not true. I'll believe it when I see it.

Now, I just have to convince Ricky to go through with it.

That might not be easy.

You can't be sittin' in the middle of the road drinkin'.

It's against the law.

Ricky, shut up!

This is drunk and disorderly You owe me a twelve-pack of beer, assh*le!

Ricky! Would you guys stop it? Lahey, Lahey...

I do not believe how stupid these guys are.

Like father, like stupid son.

Lahey, Lahey get him off the street.

We've been trying to get him off the damn street.

Well, get him out of here. Go mow some lawns or something, you greasy bastard.

Mr. Lahey, do you want a smoke? 'Cause I got one right f*ckin' here for ya.

Ricky, you've got one joke in your "resitory."

You owe me a beer and you owe me a beer, you assholes.

Don't you have some offs to f*ck there, boys?

What?

f*ck off!

Come on Ricky, I've got to talk to you about something important, alright?

What are ya goin' to talk to me about?

I just got to talk to ya I'm sorry, Julian.

I guess I f*cked up again, didn't I, buddy?

Seems like I'm always f*ckin' up.

Hey man, you're not listening to me, buddy.

I'm here. Ricky!

Seems like I'm always f*cking up and you're always comin' to my rescue, man.

The thing is, we've got this plutonium-kind of love sh*t goin' and I don't want to f*ck that up, alright?

All right.

I love you, buddy.

O.k., buddy. Alright.

I'm serious, man, I f*ckin' love you, alright.

Can I have a drink of that please, buddy?

Ricky, do you know what you got to do?

What?

You got to ask Lucy to marry ya.

What are you talkin' about I got no money, man.

Like, I don't know, I'm not in any rush to marry Lucy.

What's the big deal? Why do you give a sh*t?

Alright, I didn't wanna tell you this o. k., but because you haven't married Lucy yet, a lot of people are sayin' you might be gay.

Gay? Me?

Yup.

I'm not gay, you idiot. I love Lucy.

I know what's goin' on. I totally got it figured out It's just the way that I act towards you, like the way that I act when I'm around you and stuff.

That's what's going on here.

No, Ricky, it's because you've been with Lucy for eight years, you have a child together, you're not married, people think that's weird.

Man! Maybe I am gay.

Holy f*ck!

I'm gay.

Oh, Ricky is so not gay.

What, did Cory and Trevor tell you that?

Here come f*cking Cory and Trevor now.

Man those guys are always, like, gay this, and f*ckin' gay everything I think they're gay.

See I think it's kind of odd for two guys to be huggin' in a car parked on the side of the road.

You know we're not sayin' it's gay or anything.

I don't know what would make somebody gay, if that would make them gay or not..

Ya, I don't know if they're gay.

It's definitely weird.

You don't hug people all the time., I'd hug him if, like, his mother d*ed or something but their mother didn't die. You know what I'm sayin'?

So, I don't know, it's kinda strange.

You're not gay Ricky.

I don't know. It seems like I must be, I guess.

Don't... Ricky forget I even brought that up, o. k.

I'm not going to forget about it. I think we're both gay.

We're not gay.

Listen, I just heard people talkin' about you being gay and stuff.

You know, and I know you better than anybody else; you're not gay.

You don't think?

No. We're going to go to Levi's house, you're gonna ask him for some help getting a job and then you're gonna go over at Lucy's place and ask her to marry ya.

Well, if I ask Lucy to marry me, do you think it's going to cancel out all the gay stuff with everybody Totally. Totally. People do it every day.

I hope so.

People are talkin' about you, they're not talkin' about me Well, we're either both gay or both not gay.

How are you doing, Son?

Good. Give me a hug.

Oh, give me some suga'.

Hey, how are ya doin'? Good to see ya.

Hey, Dez, good to see ya.

Hi, Ricky.

So, what's up, boys?

Ricky. He wants to ask you a favor, Levi.

I know you ain't goin' to ask me for no dollars, now, boy.

No, Levi, I'm not asking you for money.

The thing is, I'm looking for a job here I'm tryin' to get my sh*t together.

I want to marry Lucy and have Trinity, but everyone around this stupi trailer park thinks I'm gay now.

What?

Ricky... Levi, no.

He was hoping you'd make a couple calls for him, Levi Maybe get him on the city or somethin' and...

If you can.

Do you remember what happened last time?

Levi, look I haven't drank and drive in over two years, alright.

And I'm sorry about that. If I could go back in time I would.

It was one of those things you do when you're young, you're stupid, you know, you have a few drinks. The next thing you know, you're in a vehicle smashing into things. It was an accident.

It was Ricky's first day on the job and he decides to take us in the dump truck for a joy ride.

He comes bombing down here showing off...

You know there are certain accidents where you may be drunk and on dr*gs, but it's going to happen anyway whether you are or you're not.

And then the truck starts to spin sideways and flip around...

Garbage truck. I mean the shocks are different, a lot more weight...

Drags upside down across the ground here, sparks flying everywhere..

The next thing I know, we're crashing into stuff, things are catching on fire.

He rocks into Terry's Monte Carlo and the Monte Carlo was dope too, man. It's so sad He just completely flattens it Like I said, it was no big deal.

I don't know why I got fired over it, which really pissed me off That's the first time he went to jail, after that stunt It was. He was like a hero for about two seconds.

Look, I haven't dranken and droven in about two years, alright.

I'm not going to screw up like that again.

O.k. Now, Ricky. Now, you really want to get your life turned around, yes...

Yes, that's why I'm here. I want to get married to Lucy and you know, me and Trinity and Lucy can live happily ever after.

I'll get a real job, grow dope.

Are you going to work hard at that job?

Ya, I swear to God.

Levi, I would not come here an ask you this unless I'd changed.

I'm not an idiot.

I never said you were an idiot.

I'm a big f*cking man.

You are. And you're trying to come here to ask me to do you a favor and you're lying to me. Get out of here. Go on.

Levi.

Get out of here.

You know forget it. I told you this was a stupid idea, you d*ck.

Well, you're being stupid again Ricky, that's why. I just don't know how to express myself sometimes when I need to be properly different.

f*ck!

I got an appointment at 2:30 today with a bank manager.

I want to get a loan. The thing is, , I want to do this by myself. I don't need other people's help especially Julian's.

Why are you - f*cking - with - me?

I want $1,500. I need 1,000 for my dope equipment and that will leave me 500 to buy Lucy a nice ring.

If the f*cking car would start You know my life's finally back together, so things are good, you know. I'm in the right direction You little f*ckers!

You're lucky I'm busy right now.

Anyway, the car won't f*cking start so I'm going to see if Julian will drive me to the f*ckin' bank.

Just one minute.

I'll just wait over there.

How's it goin'? I'm here to see some guy named Mclntyre Richard?

How's it going?

I can smoke in here right?

No smoking in here sir.

For f*ck's sakes. How's it going?

Good.

So, when did you get out?

I'm sorry?

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought.. . I know Dez and Levi.

You... weren't you in jail Ya.

Are they with you? What's with the camera?

I'm just doing a little documentary on my life.

Cool.

You know, we've looked at all the... Um, sorry, we're in a meeting here.

No, come on in, guys. I want you to see how f*cked Up this is.

I've been in jail, I paid my debt to society and I still can't get a loan. That's pretty f*cked.

Richard, just calm down.

I'm not calmin' down, I'm pissed off here.

Now, uh I really don't think you should have this attitude.

I think it's just getting little too tight in here for me.

It's kind of pissing me off. The thing is that between me and you, I'm going to be growing a bit of dope, alright?

I'm going to have lots of f*ckin' money. I'm not asking you for a house here.

I think you should just leave.

f*ck this sh*t. f*ck off f*ck off. f*ck you.

You f*cking assh*le! I've been sexually assaulted here.

The man tried to abuse me at a party.

No that's not true.

He abuses men and women all over the place.

That's not true.

Julian! I need some help here.

God, is he a friend of yours?

Yeah.

Can I still call ya?

Do you have a number or anything?

Yeah.

I still can't believe the way those f*cking gorilla's threw me out of that bank, man You could have backed me up instead of trying to make a girlfriend.

How am I supposed to buy a f*cking wedding ring now, Julian?

Check these guys out.

What the hell are they doin'

They stealin' gas?

What's going on, dickweeds What's up, dude?

Let's go, smokes.

Here's the deal, boys. I'm going to borrow your car for a couple of hours.

Alright. Are we gettin' your truck?

You guys are so f*ckin' stupid, did you know that?

Keys.

What are you guys gonna do with my car?

Knock, knock, boys.

Who's there?

Let's go, guys.

I don't mind you guys followin' us around. Let's go.

So, what the f*ck is going on here?

Why are we in Trevor and Cory's car?

Because we're going to do a B&E.

A B&E?

Yes.

That's pretty smart. The last time we did a B&E I got sh*t Ricky...

I'm not going back to jail, Julian.

We're going to get you a ring today, all right?

The thing is, when you're shoppin' for a ring you gotta take your time because, you know, it's my wife we're talking about.

She's not going to be wearing one of those cubic "zarcarbian" f*cking things.

She's gonna have a nice ring.

Exactly.

And we know this guy who has a jewelry store that ripped him off a few years ago.

Ya, he's a f*ckin' d*ck. I sold him a bunch of weed and he never ever paid me for it, so f*ck him.

I don't feel bad for f*ckin' him over.

No, I mean, that's what insurance companies are for anyways.

It's not a big deal. He's going to get his money back.

O.k.

Shhh! Shh, shh.

Hello. Mr. Peterson from next door, just checking out your pipes All clear. Go upstairs, I'm going to go to the kitchen What in the f*ck...?

Julian, I need some help up here! Aaah! f*ck!

What are you doing?

Cocksucker came at me man.

I'll probably get rabies. Am I bleedin'?

Yeah, you got a scratch. Put your g*n down, Ricky.

What were you thinking?

Did you find a ring?

Yeah, I found a treasure chest. Check that out.

Well, bring it downstairs, I got a cheese sandwich for ya You little d*ck!

Walk in there and this thing just jumps at me.

I f*cking could have been k*lled.

Now take your time, Ricky, o. k.? This is important Don't worry about the price.

What about this one?

Let me see.

No, that's not Lucy.

Yeah, I guess you're right This one's nice.

That looks like somethin from a bubble-gum machine, Rick.

Well, what do you think? I'm not very good at this.

I've never done this before.

There we go, that's Lucy Oh, man, perfect. It's beautiful.

What?

Everybody out.

Did she just dial 911?

Come on.

Come on, guys. Holy f*ck Ricky! Get in! Quick!

Swallow the ring. Here, take this.

Swallow the ring.

He's f*cking pullin' us over Ricky, swallow that ring.

Man! We're f*cked, dumb ass.

Get us out of this.

Just don't f*ckin' say a word.

Get us out of this.

You do the talkin', man.

I'm not f*ckin' going back to jail, you idiot.

I got a ring stuck in my throat. f*ck.

Gentlemen! driver's license and registration please.

Uh, this isn't our car and I checked in here and...

You have no registration, no nothing? Out of the car, guys.

For f*ck's sakes.

Out of the car.

O.k., guys. what's your first name, bud?

Randy.

Randy who?

Randy Lahey.

Randy Lahey.

Yup. You look familar. I know you from somewhere too.

You know Jim or Jim knows you or somethin' like that.

Oh, the whole Jim trick.

Yeah, like everybody knows someone named Jim, right?

So, when he gets in sh*t for something he just throws the name Jim out there and he figures someone will pick up on it.

Gives him and "eh"? And then, he's home free.

...Jim really well don't ya, or somethin'. Or Jim knows you Jim, my father Jim you mean?

Oh, he's your father. Man, I didn't know that.

Yeah, he mentioned he had a son on the force, that's right You know the old man?

Yeah, him and my dad go way back.

Small world.

Yeah, sure is for sure.

Sorry about the trike. We bought it for my daughter for her birthday., Yeah, well, sorry about the hassle, but I mean, you know like I say, I got to check to make sure you guys do have paperwork for this vehicle and all that.

Oh, absolutely, definitely.

I guess everything's o. k. here.

I'll just take that tricycle with me, you guys...

If you could take that, that'd be great.

Yeah, you guys can, uh.. . you guys can go on your way.

Great. You don't have any smokes do ya?

Smokes? Yeah actually I go one in my viser there. Want one?

There you go, right on.

O.k., nice seeing you.

O.k., guys. Anyways, slow her down.

You guys were going a little fast back there too eh.

So, just slow her down and be careful, eh?

You think Lucy's going to marry me or what?

Yeah, why?

What, are you kidding me Ricky all you can do is ask and all she can say is yes or no.

She's gonna marry ya.

All right man, hurry up I've got to get this ring out of me See ya in a bit.

Hey, boy.

I've got to use the can Dad, just a sec.

What's going on with Ricky Are you all right, Ricky?

Yup.

There's some supper here if you want.

This is the Holy Bible...

Dad, did you see my pepperoni?

Ya, and um... it's where Calvin... and I'm a Calvinist.

I mean, when it comes to love you see.

See, like Tammy was my love.

See, I was graced by her and I hope and pray that Ricky is. I think he is but, if he's not, God bless his soul, there's nothing he can do about it That's pre-destination. Some people might think that that's awfully cruel, but that's life.

Dad, what in the f*ck are you talkin' about?

Just give me a second here. I'm just trying to explain..

I'm tellin' 'em about pre - destination for Christ's sake.

You know. Pre-destination, love, grace, Calvin.

Come on, man, you know.

Where's my pepperoni?

Dad, are you sleepin'?

I don't know where the f*ck Julian's at, but we're going to find him, I'll tell you that.

He's definitely not home, I don't see anything going on here.

He's not home.

Hey, Ricky.

What's goin' on?

Nothin'. What are you doin'?

Just hanging out, I've been here about an hour What are you doin' here?

Nothin'.

You look really good.

Thanks.

Do you want to get in?

Yeah.

Levi called.

Yeah.

And, uh... you're the new garbage guy for the park.

No f*ckin' way.

Totally, totally.

I got the job?

Totally, you totally got it. It was wicked.

This day's turnin' out to be perfect, you know that Ya.

Julian even found a girlfriend, can you believe that?

Really?

Ya, some girl named Candi. She's awesome.

Who is she?

I don't really know her.

Her name's Candi, but she seems like a great girl.

Did you meet her?

You know there's only one more thing left to do to make this day complete.

You met her? Is she like..

Lucy, listen to me for a minute, alright, I want to ask you somethin'.

What? Yeah.

What do you think?

Do you want to get married or somethin'?

Do you love me?

Lucy, I love you so much So what do you think?

Would you want to get married to me?

O.k.

We're going to get married?

Sure.

Oh, Lucy, come here.