01x06 - Who the Hell Invited These Idiots to My Wedding?

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Trailer Park Boys". Aired: April 2001 to present.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise

Ricky and Julian are two guys whose lives were shaped by their experiences growing up in the Trailer Park. Their childhood was typical of most trailer park kids: stealing, fighting, smoking, drinking, scamming and listening to Van Halen.
Post Reply

01x06 - Who the Hell Invited These Idiots to My Wedding?

Post by bunniefuu »

You guys rolling there?

Oh, guys, I've matured.

You know, I'm learnin' a lot more.

I'm feelin' pretty smart, actually.

And I'm not swearing nearly as much as I used to.

I only get drunk on weekends now. And I'm growing dope, so...

The whole documentary thing for me has been really good.

And tomorrow, I get married.

So life doesn't get much better than this for Ricky I just wish Julian would stop acting like a d*ck. It's pissing me off.

Next message.

Hey, Julian, it's Lucy.

Sorry to bother you, but Ricky has done nothing for the wedding. Nothing. And it's tomorrow. We don't have a priest, we don't have a place and I mean, at the very least, we should have some food.

There's no food at all. You know, I want it to be nice and everything.

I don't know what to do. If you don't call me back, I think I'm just gonna have to cancel the -

Luce. Yeah. No...

Lucy, calm down, alright. I was in the shower...

I've got everything taken care of...

Yes, everything's taken care of...

Alright, alright. I promise. Okay. Bye-bye.

f*ck.

You know, tomorrow's my big day and I shouldn't have to worry about anything else.

Julian's gonna take care of it all and so now I just have to focus on my stag-ette.

A man's coming over to our place tonight to dance with his bum out.

We're gonna have a few drinks, a little special entertainer is going to come over and dance for us.

And there's gonna be a little bit of partying just for the girls, know what I'm sayin'?

We're just doin'a bit of drinkin'.

Julian's gonna have a surprise stag party for Ricky tonight And, uh, just workin' a buzz up.

I can't wait to get loaded with those guys tonight.

Yeah, it's gonna be, like, a huge party and there's gonna be lots of booze and liquor.

And free food. And there's gonna be strippers and it's gonna be awesome.

And Ricky's gonna get drunk and puke and end up in the drunk t*nk. And later on, there's gonn a be a wedding the next night and that's gonna have food and booze and that's gonna be awesome.

There's gonna be, like, 100 people there.

Hopefully, they'll all be ladies, 'cause it's all about ladies.

It's all about the ladies.

Yeah, man. Candy will bring some of her friends.

She'll hook us up.

Let's go get some more beer.

Sorry, but you don't have what we're looking for.

Yeah, I think Julian wants this more than anybody, you know?

What better way to get Lucy, Trinity and Ricky off his back so he can go off and have his new little relationship than to marry them all off to each other? I think it's a great plan.

And the thing is, it's amazing, it's scary how much we have in common.

We've been spending a lot of free time together.

It's great, he's awesome.

Hey, baby, what are you doin'?

I'm washing the truck.

You don't got to be washin' my truck.

I like washing the truck Cory and Trevor, I'll get them dicks to do it. Come on Okay.

Get down here.

Julian finally called me I guess he's basically takin' care of everything.

He's got a bunch of food and stuff, a couple of barbecues, his music...

You gonna answer that?

It's Lucy.

Hi, Julian. It's Trinity. I love you.

That little girl thinks the world of you.

You're like a second dad to her.

Yeah, she's a little angel I just wish her mother would stop driving me crazy with all this wedding sh*t. I just want to be left alone Yeah, I don't know if you want to be left alone, Julian.

Just make sure you don't f*ck around on Trinity, make sure you're there for her. 'Cause...

I know what it's like if parents f*ckin'... f*ckin' leave on ya. You know what I mean?

One day they're there and you wake up and you're all by your f*ckin' self.

For the rest of your f*ckin' life.

Livin' in a f*ckin' shed and wonderin' what the f*ck happened to your parents.

You okay, buddy?

Yeah, I'm fine.

When I think about it, It kind of pisses me off. Like...

I can plan my own wedding.

I'm not a total, complete idiot, alright?

And if Julian thinks he needs to babysit me like a little two-year-old kid or whatever, he doesn't.

I'm not stupid, I can plan my own wedding, Julian, if your watching this sh*t.

Sorry, sweetie, I forgot I had a cigarette in my mouth.

Julian, it's Lucy. I got your message, finally.

Thanks for calling so fast. Anyway. Listen, don't give me that bullshit about not having any money for food. There's no food, there's no wedding.

And I don't care how you get it. And don't get any sausage, get the all-beef kind. If not for me, then can you do it for Trin?

I really thought you'd be able to help me out with this..

Could you just call me back?

Robberies are simple. It's all about fire power.

If you have enough g*ns, it scares people, they freeze up and they won't try to stop ya.

You're in and out in two minutes. This is gonna be a professional job.

Listen up, boys. ' We need a truck.

Why? You got one., Oh that's pretty smart, Cory. My truck, my license plate me back in jail. That's real smart.

We'll just jack one from the strip club. There's always trucks there.

There you go. Smart one, Trev.

I can take care of all the shopping carts.

Checking over the carts for tonight.

Have to be perfect, can't be f*cked up.

First thing that can go on them is the wheels.

That there one's no f*cking good. Bearings are gone.

Might as well get rid of it right now.

That's a keeper.

That's a keeper. Everything has to be perfect I can't let the boys down tonight. That's my specialty I'm not stupid, you know Even though people sometimes say that I am, I'm not.

And I know those guys have been meeting secretly without me all week, but to hell with those guys.

Let's go. Open the f*ckin' doo or I'm burning the trailer down.

Open up. I know you're in there.

How's it goin', Ricky?

Some best man you turned out to be, you d*ck Anyway, don't worry about it I'm gonna find a new best man. Is Bubbles home?

What's goin' on here?

It's your stag party, you bastard.

No way, man. You guys had me all f*cked up.

Get that into you, Rick. Get you all f*cked up.

What is it?

That's swish, brother.

Yeah, knock her back. Come on.

Drink, man. Come on.

Puts hair on your chest, man.

Alright, I gotta take a leak Someone mix me another drink.

Yeah, I will.

I told you guys not to drink., If we don't concentrate on getting Ricky drunk tonight you're gonna f*ck up the entire robbery. Understand me?

Okay.

Yeah, that's cool.

Smarten up.

I don't know, boys. This is awesome. I wasn't expecting this.

There you go.

Thanks, Levi.

Anybody else wants a drink No.

No, we're cool.

Say what?

You guys are whack.

It's your night, dude.

Cheers, guys.

Drink up, buddy.

Here you go, Rick. Get it in ya. Come on, buddy What's the plan for tonight?

Lots of drinks and lots of strippers.

No way! Strippers?

Okay, boys.

To Ricky.

Come on, Rick.

To my boy, who's gettin' married.

Toast with your dad. Come on I love you guys.

Come on, buddy.

I love you, boy.

Another tray of sh**t, please.

I can't f*ckin' hold him. I can't hold him. Watch out.

Shut that thing off.

Open the back window.

He's out for the night.

How's Ricky?

He's gone dude, he's asleep.

Alright. g*ns loaded?

g*ns loaded.

Masks on?

Check.

Alright. Two minutes, guys No mistakes.

Let's do it.

Everybody down!

This is a robbery. Everyone, stay calm!

We don't want your money and we don't want to hurt anybody.

We just want some food.

Stop f*ckin' around, get in position.

Let's go, let's go, let's go This is gonna be the best wedding ever, dude.

What the f*ck are you doing with so many bananas, dude...f*ck with the corkscrews and sh*t, man?

f*ck, why are you always telling me what to do?

...bananas in the cart, dude. No one eats bananas at a wedding.

...some smokes?

Hands up!

Put your g*ns down!

It's us! It's us! It's us!

Julian!

Don't sh**t, you dicks!

What the f*ck's going on here?

I just came in here for smokes. What the hell's going on?

Sorry, dude, man. Didn't know., You're stupid, you're stupid you're a f*ckin' idiot.

The f*ckin' g*n's broke.

You could've k*lled me over there!

It's broken.

What the f*ck?

Ricky, shut up.

Ricky!

Oh, for f*ck's sakes.

Let's go, let's go! Everybody out.

Out of the way, dudes.

Ah, f*ck.

Get in the truck, Ricky.

Come on, move! Come on, boys!
What's with all these f*ckin' bananas?

I f*cked up!

I have to get the cart in.

f*ck off with cart, Bubbles!

Come on, I'm not leaving this f*cking cart!

Get in the f*ckin' truck ! Get in!

Jesus Christ., You know, I may not have done all the right stuff in my life or done smart stuff. But guys, maybe I shouldn't be commentin' here, but that was pretty f*ckin' dumb. Alright?

You're robbin' a f*ckin' grocery store. You didn't even tell me.

I'm f*ckin' on video tape no f*ring handguns with no mask on!

You guys are f*ckin' dumb!

Ricky, would you calm down I'm not gonna calm down, Julian.

Calm down.

I'm pissed off. I'm pissed off at you and especially you two dicks You guys are really f*ckin' stupid.

Ricky, sorry, man.

But, you were sh**t' at us too.

I'm drunk! I'm really drunk!

Ricky.

I don't need this sh*t!

I'm gettin' married tomorrow !

Ricky, would you shut up Everything's gonna be cool ! Trust me!

Can everyone please stop it.

Oh, look, you're making Bubbles cry.

Just shut up.

I'm sorry, alright? I'm drunk...

Last night was a f*cking nightmare, but, you know, nobody got sh*t, so...

Just waitin' for Candy. Oh, here she comes now.

You better chill before you get knocked out. Chill Anyway, I got a big surprise for her. She's gonna freak out And I'm nervous.

Oh, my God! It's beautiful Yeah, you think so?

It's like a castle.

So what do you think?

What do I think?

Yeah.

What?

You wanna move in with me?

I would lo -

I bought it.

Really? I'd love to move in with you, sweetie.

You sure?

Yeah.

I got this on camera, in case you want to change your mind Uh-uh.

No? Alright.

You guys want to get this on tape?

I mean, this is what life's all about.

You know, it doesn't get any better than this.

And, you know, after today, we're gonna be a legal family.

It's gonna be pretty cool. It's gonna be on paper and everything.

There's somethin' I want to tell you girls, alright I love you both with my whole heart.

Who the f*ck is that d*ck?

You expectin' anyone?

No, I'm not expectin' anyone. You expectin' anyone?

What do you want? Who the hell are ya?

Hello, Rick.

How the f*ck do you know my name?

Just relax, Rick.

I was wonderin' if you knew... anything about any of the stuff that's been goin' down around here lately.

What stuff?

I don't know. You tell me.

Why would I know anything about anything goin' on round here?

You're sure? You wouldn't be lying to me, would you, Rick Why would I lie to ya?

Tell ya what, Rick.

You take that.

You find yourself you might remember something you forgot to tell me, you can give me a call.

I'm having a flashback right now, actually, about somethin' I wanted to tell ya. I wrote it down, I think.

Yeah, there it is. Copy right there for ya.

Very nice.

You know what that means It means f*ck off.

We'll see ya soon, Rick.

What do you mean by that Precisely what I said. That's why I chose the words Today's a very special day, Ricky's wedding day.

I'm gonna give him a special wedding present, hand-delivered personally.

I figure there's probably gonna be at least 100 people that are gonna be comin' to the park.

I mean, they're probably gonna be all drunk and stoned and everything.

We're gonna have to make sure that things don't get out of control, Mr. Lahey.

We're gonna see the best collection of losers this park's seen for many a year.

Loser convention.

Man, that suit looks dope.

Thanks.

Right on.

You look really good too.

What's wrong?

I'm probably just being stupid, but have you seen that d*ck drivin' around the park?

Yeah.

Well, he's an undercover cop, I can tell ya that.

So, you're afraid of some cop?

Yeah, I am afraid of this cop.

'Cause he's intense.

Like a frog runnin' along the highway.

Eventually some car's gonna hit ya and this is the f*ckin' car Ricky, Ricky. You're just paranoid. Come on, don't worry about this stuff Yeah, you're probably right. I can't go back to jail, Julian.

Alright? That stuff that happened there f*cked me up.

I still think about it every f*ckin' day.

And the biggest thing is that I can't go back to jail alone.

'Cause I can't look after myself in there.

You know what I'm sayin?

I know, but don't worry.

You're not going back to jail, alright?

You're not goin' back to jail, I'm not goin' back to jail It wasn't my idea to rob that store, Julian.

I-I know. Listen, look at me.

I promise you. You're not gonna go back to jail.

Oh, my.

My, my, my. She is beautiful.

So, you're all dressed up today.

Yeah, I got my tuxedo on Hey, maybe you can fix my tie for me.

Yeah, why not.

Tricked ya. It's not even real.

A hundred and fifty bucks for one of those real fuckers.

I wish Rick and Lucy all the best.

'Cause they're in love and not all hung up on past people that they went out with in the past.

By that, I mean people that they slept with before they got together.

And I don't mean Julian by that- Ow!

Chill, man.

f*ck, you didn't have to hit me, you d*ck.

This is like a wedding video and sh*t, man.

You got to have more respect than that. Come on, man.

This is gonna be on a tape now and seen and everything and we look like dicks. Nice one.

Hi.

On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone for their support on this very special day.m And instead of the traditional vows, the bride and the groo have decided to write their own.

I, Lucy, promise to love you and respect for you and be truthful for you as long as I live.

I, Richard, promise to love and not break the law as much as I used to I promise to be a good father to my child and to not to swear anymore or as much as I do in public places.

And I promise to love you as much as I can and as often as I can under the circumstances.

Well, I think we should have the rings.

You got the rings? Oh, can you hold this?

Thanks.

Okay.

What goes on here now?

Um... here.

Do you Lucy take Ricky -

Oh, for f*ck's sakes.

Trevor, Cory, these guys are here for you, I guess.

Hands on your head.

What's this bullshit?

How could you do this?

I didn't do anything.

Hands on your head.

What the f*ck's going on here?

Hands on your head, Rick Oh, man, I'm pissed off now.

Jesus Christ, I'm tryin' to get f*ckin' married here.

Holy f*ck.

Oh, for f*ck's sakes. I can't believe this sh*t.

Julian, look at this sh*t. My wedding's all f*cked up This is bullshit, Julian, what the f*ck's going on here?

This isn't my fault. There's a lot more people here guiltier than I am.

Trevor and Cory.

I'm goin' back to jail here.

Julian, I'll see ya in a couple of hours.

We got to work this sh*t out. Everybody stay here.

The wedding'll continue in about a couple of hours -

Don't bother, Ricky. Let's get real.

We're gonna take care of a couple of things. I love you, Dad.

f*ck off, Lahey. I wanna make a citizen's arrest on this guy...illegal procedures going on. I want this camera crew arrested.

I want you arrested for this. I want that soundman arrested.

I want everyone arrested!

Leahy, you're f*cking going down for this, you jackass Let's pack it up...

I'm pissed off over here Nobody go anywhere, alright?

For the first couple of weeks that I came back to jail..

I was still pissed off, because they used all this documentary footage against us to convict us.

And I was pissed off about the whole court-room scene And I shouldn't have defended myself, I know that now., and for the first two weeks in jail, I basically partied I did a lot of dr*gs and I was getting drunk.y And now I realize that you gotta try and stay awa from all that stuff in here. And basically, if you're gonna be in here, you may as well use the time to get smarter.

I learned about relationships, how it's probably a good thing to take a break once in a while from your relationship, 'cause when the break's over, it's, uh... it's stronger, I guess.

So as far as Lucy and Trinity goes, that's probably good, Takin' a break from dope is even a good kind of a break because when you smoke dope again, you get a lot more f*cked up.

What Ricky's talkin' about Is the power of positive thinking Now, I've been doing a lot of reading in here about that, and I've learned to take a negative situationy and turn it into a positive one. And I've been telling Rick all about it and -

Exactly.

It's all in how you look at it. I mean, you can pretend you're in jail or right now I'm pretendin' I'm in university.

If you look at jail in a positive manner...

I mean, you eat three times a day, okay?

You have a schedule, you follow that schedule.

You have a lot of time to yourself to read, to reflect on life and hang out with your friends I'm glad I went to jail and the only thing I really miss is probably having regular dope all the time, gettin' drunk regularly, and I miss Lucy and Trinity.

But other than that, I f*ckin' love being in jail Positive thinkin', Ricky. Fourty-five days, buddy.

It's easy.

Sloppy Joes tomorrow.

Oh, yeah. It's Thursday. Right on.

We'll be Okay.
Post Reply