02x05 - The Bible Pimp

[bunniefuu]

[meowing]

Nice kitty.

What do you want for breakfast today, Daisy?

Excuse me, Sir?

Hi.

Hi there.

Hello. My name is Hampton and this is my daughter, Tanya.

We just travel from trailer park to trailer park.

That's right.

Spreading the word of the Lord.

Just as Jesus traveled from Shadrach to Meshach to Abednego, we travel from trailer park to trailer park, spreading the good news.

Do you live around here?

I live right here in this van with my kitty.

I see.

Have you read the Bible?

Maybe I have, maybe I haven't. What's it to you?

Can you read, my son?

Well, that depends. Can you go f*ck yourself?

[music]

Oh, I get it. When the animals are talking, they're not really joking around. It means a lot more deeper stuff.

Look, Ricky, I understand that you're busy and sh*t, but I haven't seen you for, like, two weeks.

You're going to school, it's "Dope this, school that," you're always here looking after the plants.

Like, can't we just hang out for once?

I'm sorry, Sarah. I know it's been bad, but I'll make it up to you, I promise.

Where in the f*ck is Julian? I'm gonna be late for school again.

I've had a lot of time to think about this and I know Ricky and I really crossed the line.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry, buddy.

Yeah, well...

My whole life was in that shed, Julian. Did you and Ricky think of that before you barged in and b*rned the f*cking thing right to the ground?

Come on. This is getting ridiculous.

It is ridiculous, Julian.

Listen, why don't you stop living in cars and vans and sheds and stuff and come stay at my place. A real home, for once.

That shed was a real home, Julian. I loved that place.

It was mine, it wasn't yours. You know what I mean?

And I don't think I should be hanging around with you and Ricky anymore - till you're done growing that dope. And don't think you can buy me off with a jar of those delicious things.

Fine, then. The couch is still there if you want it and I'm chucking out these pickled eggs, Bubbles.

Just leave them there in the garbage can, then.

Do you want another piece of bologna, Sarah?

Yeah, sure.

Thanks.

Where the f*ck were you, man? You knew I had class today.

I had to go talk to Bubbles. He's still pissed off at us. Hey, Sarah.

I'll talk to him later. Look, man, I got a major f*cking situation.

Grade 10's got me all stressed out. It's way harder than Grade 9, way f*cking harder.

Okay.

Well, I need tonight off, 'cause right now, all I do is study and grow dope.

That gets a little difficult when you have a girlfriend.

What the hell's that supposed to mean?

Think about it.

Listen, I don't have a girlfriend right now because I'm focused with my job, alright?

I do have a girlfriend and if I don't do something with her tonight, I'm gonna lose her and that's not gonna f*cking happen.

Take the night off, then. Just show me what I gotta do.

It's not too hard, just make sure the lights come on with the timers and watch the pH levels, 'cause they've been a little f*cked up all week.

Other than that, it's not bad. Change the solution in table five if you want.

But I can do it tomorrow.

I'll do it. Don't worry about it.

Go have a good time with Sarah.

You can handle this?

Oh, yeah.

Thanks, buddy. I appreciate it.

Listen, you just gotta talk to me.

Stressed out, man. Calm down.

It's just f*cking school, man.

You almost ready, Sarah? I'm gonna be late.

Yeah.

[brakes squealing]

Here's your books.

Thanks, babe.

[knocking]

Hi.

Hello. My name is Tanya and I'd like to speak with you about the Lord.

Bottle kids!

What was that?

It's just a couple of kids that like to throw bottles at people.

Is that, um...?

Yeah, it's industrial-grade hemp. I make rope.

Okay, boys. Rule number one: No living in a van in Sunnyvale Trailer Park.

J-Roc, you better straighten Panama Jack the f*ck out, right now.

A'ight, here's what I'm talking about, you know what I'm saying?

Bubbles is renting this van for $12 a month.

That makes this mothafucker an income property. You know what I'm saying?

Once me and T get power an water going on, then this mothafucker is gonna fall under the same jurisdiction as every other trailer up in this ma. So why don't you and that 15-cheeseburger-eating Rico Suave-looking mothafucker go on, 'cause you ain't b*ating nobody. Peace.

That's cold, man. That's crazy. Suave Rico cheeseburger.

Hang on. Can I get 15 half-eaten cheeseburgers to go?

You know what I'm saying?

Order me something too, man.

Talking to his gut like it's a person!

Okay, boys. You can laugh and joke, but I win in this situation, 'cause I make one phone call--

Ring! J-Roc.

...to the housing authority, and this van is out of here.

Ain't that something.

Randy, it's the fashion police. You being charged $500 for wearing them pants after Labour Day.

Randy's got funny pants!

May we have a moment of your time to have a word with you about the Lord, and this everlasting gift of love we have to offer for only $59.99?

We have rules in this trailer park, mister.

And rule number one? No soliciting.

Actually, commander, we're not soliciting at all.

We're merely taking advanced orders and filling out some forms.

Most people have welcomed us with open arms.

We already have 16 bible orders.

I'm, like... I know you from somewhere, right?

Don't think so.

Actually, we look forward to meeting everyone in the park - some other time.

God bless you.

Randy, we better keep an eye on those two.

Hey, Tanya.

Hi. Come on out.

I'd like you to meet someone. This is my dad.

Hello.

Something doesn't add up here, Randy.

What's Julian doing, talking to those guys?

Think he might be in need of a little sexual healing.

Ah, Hampton, he's creepy.

Not him, Randy, her.

[muffled noise]

What the hell?

Bubbles what are you doing in there?

Doing the same thing you're doing. I'm spying.

I don't trust those two as far as I could f*cking throw them.

Yeah, I think they're trying to brainwash Julian.

I seen this thing on the force. Why do you care?

They need my help, Lahey.

They don't care about you, Bubbles. Why do you care about them?

Because real friends stick together.

Besides my kitties, Ricky and Julian are all that I really have.

Piss off, you're gonna blow my cover. what are your long-term goals?

What are your plans for the future?

Well, I guess I just want to grow enough hemp with my partner Rick so I can buy a new trailer, car maybe, have some money in the bank.

I see. And is your partner in the Siegfried and Roy sense?

No, no, no. It's nothing like that.

I see.

Do you have a girlfriend?

No. I don't really have much time to meet women.

That's what Tanya always says.

No time. But really, she's busy doing the Lord's work.

Which I should be doing now. If you'll excuse me.

You little f*ckers.

Hey.

Hey, baby.

How was school?

Holy f*ck, it's hard.

I gotta learn all these f*cking math equations and new languages and sh*t.

One class wasn't too bad; it was gym.

Yeah?

Yeah. I scored 12 goals in floor hockey. Kicked ass.

Right on. That's awesome. Hey, check this out.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, I got a new dress for tonight.

Three bucks.

That's gonna look hot as hell on ya.

Thanks.

Sixty bucks. Wow.

That's a lot of money for a Bible.

Yes, but they cost us $80 each to produce, so really, it's charity.

Hey, is Ricky here?

Hey, uh, Bubbles.

He's not back from school yet. Hey, listen, I wanted you to meet somebody here.

Yeah, I already met that guy.

Can you just tell Ricky I need to talk to him about some things?

That Bubbles is an interesting character.

Is he... crazy?

Bubbles, are you kidding? He's the sharpest guy in the park, man.

Really. Well, you should see your Bible in six to 14 weeks.

Thanks very much.

God bless you.

God bless you.

Who the f*ck was that jackass?

He's not a jackass, Ricky.

I just bought a Bible from him to give to you, man.

An everlasting gift of love to my son.

What, are you drunk or something, Dad?

I've had a couple of drinks.

But I still bought a Bible to give from father to son.

That's really sweet, Ray. I'm gonna go inside and get ready.

Dad, I hate to ask you this, buddy, but can I borrow 30 bucks?

What, are you crazy? I don't have that kind of money.

Look, Dad, I want to take Sarah out tonight for dinner, and you're the one who's always telling me and Julian that the best way to romance a woman is to take her out for Chinese food.

That's what I want to do. She deserves it.

I'm gonna loan you the $30, but when your bible comes in, you and me sit down an hour a day and read it to each other.

I don't have time for that church sh*t. You know that.

That's the deal man.

Ah, f*ck me.

Alright, can I have the 30 bucks, then, or what?

Yeah, I'll loan you the 30 bucks.

Right on, Dad. Thanks, buddy.

No problem, man.

What?

What? They're bottles.

What do you mean, what?

I gotta take bottles back?

There's 35 bucks in bottles there, Ricky.

f*ck.

At least 35 bucks.

[swearing]

Ricky, I--

This is f*cking horseshit.

You sound a little ungrateful here, man.

I'm grateful, Dad. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate it.

It's just a little extra work I wasn't counting on right now.

Ahem. Julian, can I f*cking speak to you in private for a second?

Can we talk later, Bubbles? I'm kind of busy right now.

Nope.

f*ck him.

What's up, Bubbles?

I'll tell you what's up. Those Bible people.

I don't f*cking trust them.

They're just selling a few bibles.

It's for a good cause. What's wrong with that?

Alright, Julian.

You remember, I tried to warn you.

Tried to warn me? Why don't you relax, man.

Chill out.

You really care about him, though, don't you?

Yeah, I'm kind of like a big brother to him and Ricky and I screwed up the other day. We, you know, stored a few weed plants in his shed and then it b*rned down, and now he's pissed.

Weed plants?

Uh, hemp plants.

Yeah.

I let him down, big time.

Well, let's go get your mind off it.

Let's go grab a bite to eat or something.

I gotta... It's my shift.

I can't go anywhere.

You can't leave the plants alone for a couple of hours?

I'd really like to be alone with you.

Get the f*ck out. Hey, Bible guy.

Yes, my child?

I got a couple of questions for you.

Yes, and do you have $59.99?

Maybe I do.

How do I know I'm gonna get my f*cking Bible if I give it to you, though?

Oh, I see where this is going.

Okay, boys, the party's over.

Hampton, I want you out of my trailer park.

Actually, lieutenant, I think my work here is done.

And I'm off to spread the word of the Lord to other parts of the community.

That was a little too easy.

He's an arsehole.

Have you guys seen Cory and Trevor?

No, Bubbles.

What do you want with them?

None of your business, Randy.

I don't ask you why you keep driving cheeseburgers into that thing.

Ease off, Bubbles.

Jeez, Bubbles, I switched to chicken. You know, the grilled ones.

That's f*cking lies, Randy.

I've seen you drive 15 cheeseburgers into that thing in one sitting.

Don't pay any attention. You're beautiful, Randy.

Hey, Bub.

Ricky, we need to talk.

Hey, Bubbles, what's up?

Hey, Sarah.

You look really nice.

Listen, I'm in a rush right now, but I'll talk to you later, alright?

We should talk now, Ricky. I think Julian's mixed up with some crazy people.

What, those Bible people?

Yeah.

They're harmless.

Don't worry about them, man. He can look after himself.

Yeah, we gotta go. We're going for Chinese food.

Oh, can you guys get me some meat egg rolls, then?

Sure, bud.

We have to talk, though, Ricky. I'm telling ya. Something's up.

Can we talk or...?

No, don't mind me.

I'm only your best friend.

Awesome.

Here you go. Just keep the change. Thanks.

What the f*ck do they call these things again?

Sweet'n'sour chicken.

Man, it's gonna be awesome.

Do you have forks?

Julian? What the f*ck's he doing here?

Julian, what's this bullshit?

f*ck!

Why aren't you watching the dope plants, you assh*le?

Calm down, Ricky. I'm just grabbing some takeout.

Takeout, my ass.

Looks to me like you're on a date with cinnamon-roll f*cking head.

Um, I'm gonna pop into the restaurant and call my dad and let you sort this out. Remember what I told you.

Right. I'll just be a minute.

Yeah.

Thanks for embarrassing me, Rick.

Don't even f*cking start with me, man.

Don't you even care about the dope anymore?

Why don't you shut up about that.

Don't tell Ricky to shut up!

You're the one being selfish. I'll be in the car.

Sorry about this, Sarah.

Save me some of those sweet'n'powered chicken things.

Thanks, Ricky. This is the first date I've had since I been out of jail.

Why don't you show me some respect?

I ask for one f*cking night off and look what happens.

I'm going back to the Airstream.

Don't worry about it, man.

I'm going back to the Airstream.

No, I'm going back to the Airstream.

No you're not. I am.

Great, Ricky. You freaked her out. She took off. Thanks, buddy.

She probably took off 'cause you're acting like a d*ck.

Thanks for ruining my date, Rick.

Whatever, Julian.

Tanya?

[sound of g*n being cocked]

f*ck.

f*ck!

Oh, look who decided to show up for work.

Hope it wasn't too much trouble, Julian.

What in the f*ck? Where's all the dope?

She told me she loved me.

I trusted her and then she took all the dope, man.

Oh, my f*ck. All the dope's gone?! What about Freedom 35?

Now that's f*cked. I'm supposed to be the stupid one, not you.

How could you let this happen, you jackass? Nice going.

Hey, boys.

Not now, Bubbles.

We just got some major bad news. Take a look in there.

There's f*cking nothing in there. So Freedom 35, bye-bye.

Thanks to fuckhead here.

Maybe not, Ricky. Maybe I can help.

What are you gonna do, Bubbles?

Well, there's a lot your friends can do, Ricky, if you f*cking give them a chance.

Friends stick together, even if they get f*cked around or one of them forgets to buy the guy eggrolls.

Ah, f*ck. Sorry, buddy.

The least of our worries right now, though.

It's alright. Don't worry about it.

I'll always be there for you guys, 'cause you guys are my best friends.

Friends stick together.

When you got no family, that's all you got, right?

You got that right.

So guess what?

I knew those Bible people were phony, so I got Cory and Trevor to tail them. That's how good of a friend I am.

What?

Now you can get all your dope back.

Where is it?

We followed them, Julian.

They went to that greasy bar by the airport.

The Slick Pimp?

Yeah, dude.

Van parked out back. All the dope is still there. Everything.

Oh, f*ck, it's Lahey.

Come on, boys, let's go get the dope back.

f*ck off, Lahey. Get out of here.

They get robbed, Lahey, by Bible man.

Well, that makes 38 people that were ripped off in this trailer park.

Just over $2,800.

How much did they get you for, Ricky?

I didn't fall for this. Neither did Bubbles.

Now we gotta go get our f*cking... furniture and sh*t back.

Come on, guys. Move your f*cking car, Lahey.

I'll go get the Rockpile.

Come with me, Bubbles.

Move the car, Randy.

I'm gonna get that money back. As soon as I find them, I'm gonna call you, you call the cops.

They're going to jail, Lahey.

Right.

[brakes squealing]

That's the arseholes' van right there.

f*ck, the dope's still there. Alright, Cory, Trevor, where you at?

Right here, dude.

I want you guys to hot-wire this car, take it back to the Airstream. Drive slowly, I don't want the cops pulling you over, alright?

Ricky, Bubbles, Rockpile, let's go get everyone's money back.

I got this, Julian, you know what I'm saying?

[music]

Rockpile up in this ma.

Hold up, Rick.

There's the little fucker right there.

Bubbles, go call Lahey, tell him to meet us here.

Sure thing, Julian.

Isn't that what's-her-face?

No, it can't be.

Yeah, it is.

What?!

Whoo!

Look, look, I know--

Where's the money?

Look, I have it right here. There's just one thing I have to--

Where the f*ck's the van?

It's cool, I got my car.

f*ck off!

Just give us the money.

I can't believe you stole our f*cking dope!

We're trapped in! We're gonna get f*cking k*lled!

Be careful, boys.

[sirens wailing]

He's out of b*ll*ts, Ricky.

Cover me.

Give us the f*cking money.

You don't know I'm out of b*ll*ts.

Give us the f*cking money!

[babble of voices]

Nobody steals my f*cking dope. Nobody, you d*ck.

Police! Nobody move!

The guy with the glasses is with me.

The guys with the track pants and the glasses are with me.

Shut up! Look what you did, you idiot!

You had to dance one more time, didn't ya?!

Oh, you liked it. You f*cking loved it.

You didn't have to say you loved me, you know.

f*ck you, you greasy trailer-park boy.

Oh, don't worry about her, Julian.

Jesus Christ, she is hot, though.

I know. girls out there than her. Come on, buddy.

It's alright, buddy. Let's go.

I can't believe I finally got in a sh**t and didn't get sh*t.

Put her there.

I can't believe I didn't get f*cking sh*t.

Me and T jacked this digital-cable sh*t, know what I'm saying?

J-Roc's don't pay a cent of it, too. Peace.

Yeah, man. 150 channels free, you can't go wrong, man.

All the "mazubies" you can watch, boy.

Okay, man. We out.

Thanks, guys. I've never had cable before.

Can we talk, Bubbles?

Yeah, actually, let me explain this, Julian.

Bubbles, I know sometimes we get a little caught up in this Freedom 35 stuff and we get mixed up and you go home and you're thinking about stuff and thinking what your friends were thinking and things get all scrambled up like a big f*cking pan of eggs and... You know what I mean?

What he's trying to say is, you're way more important to us than the dope, man. I'm sorry.

You're like a brother to me.

Thanks, guys.

Brother to me too, buddy.

Come on, boys.

Thanks, man.