03x04 - Who's the Microphone Assassin?

[bunniefuu]

We're saving up some squirreling right now to sh**t a video, you know what I'm saying?

So we're gonna sh**t it on this little mo-fucker right here; there's a button that's talking about negative art, which uh creatively is kind of a comment on where we're at, you know what I'm saying?

Like, reversing the black and white, who's black and who's white and we're saying, you know what I'm saying society, you know what's up, the sh*t don't even matter, you know what I'm saying, at the end of the day, right A'ight, where's that sepia sh*t at, cause that looks dope as f*ck.

Where's it at? Kay, peace, a'ight that looks dope.

A'ight ladies, you know what I'm saying, hold that weave right, take this g*n right here, you know what I'm saying? This just in, three sucker MCs were knocked out?

♪ Assassin, beats blastin Brinks trucks bring the silver ♪
♪ from the cheques I've been cashing. ♪
♪ Bashing miles away, down with my sh*t ♪
♪ Oh, count even count hos that I've been with. ♪
♪ The rhyme in the Mike are like a corporate merger ♪

They go together like Randy's gut and a cheeseburger?

He rhymes gangster rap because, you know, we live in the park man, it's real gangster out here.

Know what I mean, gotta keep It gangster, gotta keep it real Straight up.

Rapping about real life things we go through.

f*cking right.

Everything we go through Is gangster; keep it gangster.

♪ The day J Roc loses his flow is the day ♪
♪ The hair on Jim Lahey's bald head grow in escrow ♪
♪ My rhymes are being kept. ♪
♪ I've been kicking in a loving m*therf*cking set up ♪
♪ I'm the microphone assassin, beats blasting. ♪

Me and Julian are never going back to jail again and one of the ways we're going to do that is we're gonna do like somee small time, semi-legal stuff it is illegal, but not really illegal, you know what I mean.

Smart stuff, Ricky, that's why selling CDs, it's perfect, I mean, cops, they can't be bothered with that sh*t.

So we make our money back and it's good for J Roc.

That's the first CD out for Sunnyvale Trailer Park.

Cept for that wack bullshit Corey and Trevor released on cassette, but they were fronting.

J Roc raps about gangsters and g*ns, pimps and whores, and Compton.

Guy's not from Compton, he's a white kid from a trailer park.

Man, I ain't changed since I started selling records, know what I'm saying? I'm keeping it the f*ck real He should rap about what he knows, like living in his mom's trailer, eating peanut butter sandwiches, you know what I'm saying?

Jamie, how many 29-year-old record company presidents operate out of their mom's trailer?

Believe it or not, some people think I'm going make it in this rap game. You know what I'm saying, saying., J Roc keeps going on about this record company he starteds but really all he did was take a bunch of famous rap song and mixed on some of his four-track stuff there, now he put this out.

J Roc and Friends.

It's a bit f*cked if you ask me because half these rappers I'm sure, don't know they're on here. That's called pirating.

First of all, we didn't jack no tunes, know what I'm saying Me and T call it cross promotion right, cause, uh, putting Dr. Dre and Snoop Dog and all my boys, Detroit Velvet Smooth from Moncton right, on the joint, you know what I'm saying?

We're promoting the mother-f*ckers; I'll call them up soon and say we done this, and say if they want to put a J Roc joint on they disk, I ain't give a f*ck.

Julian invested my f*cking money in it, so I guess I gotta roll with It cause I trust Julian.

Julian has a plan and usually it makes a lot of sense off the top and sometimes when I make a plan people say it's not as clear as his or whatever but that's cool.

But a flea market's a good way to make money.

Me and the old man made eleven hundred bucks one weekend selling CBs, everybody loves a good flea market so f*ck it. I think it's a good idea.

I f*cking love the flea market. It's the best time ever.

I like to do silly little things for people, make them laugh.

I usually put this little guy in here. Fits right in there Or here's what I do, put a price tag on him.

Forty grand. Nobody's gonna pay forty grand for him.

I hope to f*ck they're not anyway.

Ricky, Julian, come here.

What's the problem Bubbles There's no problem. 78 CDs already.

Look at all the money we made.

f*ck, right on. Awesome.

Ricky, Ricky. You gotta keep spending money to make money We've been through this a thousand times. Think about it I just don't understand invest-iments. I told you that Ricky, remember I told you about thinking about each word before you say it.

One of those words isn't real.

Bubbles, I try that but you get other words showing up from other departments, and... not departments, but you get other things coming at you, going around, here f*ck sakes. I can't f*cking explain myself but you know what I mean, okay?

I don't know Julian. I don't like the sound of this What are you talking about? We made all this money from these CDs.

Check it out. You guys want your cut?

Yeah.

Ricky?

I want my cut, yeah.

Or, do you guys want to take this to the next level?

Well, what's the next level?

A rap concert.

Oh my God., We take this money and invest it in a rock concert today we can probably double or triple this.

How are you going to get people here so fast?

Easy. Free liquor.

Dad, I don't know. This stuff tastes pretty f*cking strong I'm getting drunk off one glass here.

Ricky, you're supposed to wait till it's diluted at least 50/50 before you start drinking it bud, you know that. I - Hopefully it'll be alright.

That's not my lunch pepperon you're eating there, is it?

No, it's my pepperoni dad.

Okay wait.

Just a sec. Clear.

Listen Rick, I don't want to get into any trouble over this You know that right.

Oh yeah, Dad.

You've cleared this with Lahey right?

Oh yeah, Lahey is totally cool with it.

No way, Julian. No concerts in the park. Final answer.

Final answer Julian.

f*ck off Randy. Jim, it' gonna be a simple little set up.

We're not going to bother anybody, come on.

Nineteen millimeter Randy.

Don't be an assh*le.

Julian, you can call me an assh*le, but listen carefully. You can do anything you want on property you own but since you only lease property here In Sunnyvale, you can't do sh*t Alright Jim, thanks for your time.

Now that I understand the rules, have a nice day boys.

f*cking Lahey's not shutting this concert down.

I don't give a f*ck!

That's what I'm trying to tell you.

Yo! Yo! Wait!

Oh f*ck off.

Julian, you have to hook us up with this rap show, dude.

You have to. You know what I'm saying.

We have the stuff man, come on. You have the stuff.

All our material is new man, it'll be dope.

We should be in the show. We should be.

We've been rocking the park for a long time. Show me some love, G.

Boys, did we tell you to stop and talk to us right now?

We didn't. So get the f*ck out of here.

Hi Linda.

Hi guys.

How are you doing?

Not too bad.

Listen, can we talk to J Roc for a minute?

Yeah, he's in his room. If you can stand the noise I made some pound cake. Do you want some Bubbles?

Yes, please. Put some butter on to it.

Jamie?

Jamie, your friends are here. Jamie?

Turn down that damn music. You can't hear a thing.

Come on, Jamie!

Mom. What the f*ck!

Turn that sh*t off, mo-fucker. I was getting changed, you know what I'm saying. I don't want that sh*t on TV I don't want mo-f*ckers seeing me getting changed.

Turn that thing off. He's pulling his hose.

Turn off the f*cking camera, what the f*ck were you doing J Roc?

Getting changed mo-fucker.

My ass, you were f*cking cranking it.

You non-knocking mother-f*ckers.

That was f*cked!

That was a bit f*cked.

It wasn't that f*cked. you know, I was getting changed.

Listen man, I got some good news for ya.

Get cleaned up, meet me back at the flea market.

A'ight. Peace Bub.

Don't touch me.

You mo-f*ckers aren't going to tell nobody I was getting changed right.

No, Christ no. When it first happened, it was kind of funny, but the more I thought about it, nobody likes to get caught with their bird out like J Roc did.

Okay, Corey and Trevor busted in here this morning and they were all like "J Roc got caught masturbating".

Like, for one, like we care, and for two, like what the f*ck were they doing looking in his window?

We were following J Roc and them, it's kind of stupid that we were following them, but we were really desperate to get in on the show, so we just kind of peeked in the window.

And we were shocked man, like we were speechless.

They were telling everybody. We asked them not to, cause we think it's gonna f*ck the whole concert thing but I think they're embarrassed by how much they're in love with him, cause they're dissing him and stuff, but they know everywhere he is, everything.

Yeah, I don't know why they follow him around half the time and then try and make him look stupid the other half the time. Not very nice.

It's disrespectful.

They're dickheads.

What! Do I look like I got some candy?

No, why ya'll looking at my eyes for then.

What's up?

Thanks for buying my record.

f*ck!

Julian, all the m*therf*ckers in this park know, motherfuck!

Come on man, nobody knows.

It's totally cool J Roc, we didn't say a f*cking thing.

Check this out man. You are going to headline a rap concert today. I got a PA system, sound tech, stage being built. Whole nine yards man.

f*ck, promote my rap record finally, where at?

It's going to be on the roof of your mom's trailer, man I'm building a stage right now. It'll be awesome.

J Roc, yo man. I heard you got caught masturbating, man What the f*ck!

T Man, Corey and Trevor be flying the sh*t.

Shut the f*ck up man. f*cking played myself, a'ight.

f*ck, my rap career is f*cked. First of all, C what m*therf*ckers don't understand about J to the R O is that I'm into like method rap, know what I'm saying?

So if I'm writing about crime, you know what I'm saying, I've gotta do crime, you know to get in that head space.

So I was writing some vibes, some rhymes of like a sexual nature, right?, It's a bad situation because his fans find out about this it's gonna hurt him.

And getting caught masturbating sucks!

I got caught masturbating in jail seven or eight times and it really sucks.

I was just getting myself in the sex vibe, and some m*therf*ckers bust in and misinterpret that right thinking I was yanking my sh*t but that ain't even true.

I was just straight up writing some sh*t from a, of a sexual place, of a sexual nature, right.t That's one of the rhymes right there; couldn't of written tha unless I had my sh*t out and some hand cream.

Mother f*ckers are making fun of me all over this place.

I've been at the flea market all day selling J Roc CDs.

We sold a f*cking ton of those things.

We've been selling J Roc CDs because you are a rap star man. Believe, come on.

Some of my joints are pretty tight though.

Damn right there tight.

T. Seriously. You know what I'm saying?

It hurts when m*therf*ckers make fun though.

You know what I'm saying.

We've got an elevated stage, PA system, man.

I've got everything figured out.

Oh my f*ck Julian. This sh*t's for me? Thanks boy I'm gonna burn this sh*t down.

Captain Arsehold and Wonder Boy are here.

Don't f*cking worry about Lahey. He can't do a thing Julian, what the hell is this sh*t?

We're not breaking any rules here Jim.

The concert's taking place on J Roc's property.

So I guess you two can f*ck off.

Julian, I told you I didn't want any sh*t in Sunnyvale You idiots loaded up a hair trigger, double-barre I sh*t machine g*n and the barrel is pointed straight at your own heads So, like the barrel of the g*n is bent backwards.

Let's go Randy. If these boys want to play hardball, we can play hardball too.

You guys are f*cked, you know that.

Get the f*ck in your car and get the f*ck out of here You keep your hands off him, Ricky. Ricky!

In you go Fatty!

The day of reckoning is at hand boy!

Later boys! Reverse, dumbass You guys are so f*cking stupid Nice get-away Lahey!

There ain't that much room on my mamma's lawn, you know what I'm saying cause we gotta keep the sh*t on my mamma's lawn, cause legal right and all that sh*t. Lahey and all that sh*t, that bald-headed, Kermit the frog looking m*therf*cker.

I told them, I said no concert definitively, didn't I?

No concert in the park.

I even said " No concert right after you said no concert.

I warned him.

Yeah, I just thought you'd like to know that this guy's pirating your music and he's making thousands of dollars off it by selling it as his own.

Yeah, he is. Well, actually he's performing a concert this afternoon right here in Sunnyvale Trailer Park.

That's about a three hour drive from Moncton. Good, good.

Well, peace right back at ya Who's f*cking with the Mike?

Alright, test, test. Oh yeah. Alright everybody.

Come on in to the rap show. Come in and find a spot.

Relax. You're in for the freestyle event of the century There's gonna be some craz MCing going on here in a minute.

Bubbles, tell these people we gotta stay on this property I got people roaming all over this f*cking place.

Lahey's gonna be here man.

Everybody stay the f*ck on this property only please.

Get the f*ck out of there. I gotta serve that.

You gotta stay on J Roc's property or the whole thing is gonna get shut down.

Tell them that I'm serving the liquor.

I don't want people dipping in to this, alright.

I want to serve the f*cking liquor here.

Okay, the liquor is free, but even though it's free, Ricky's the one who's handing it out; don't be just helping yourself out of the bucket there.

f*ck off Trevor, I'm serious.

f*ck off Trevor.

Alright, see this line? Nobody cross this line or Lahey the f*cking assh*le is going to call the cops.

So don't f*ck around and don't cross the line.

Stay on this side, on this property only.

Alright, I'm gonna be straight up with you J Roc.

This concert can make or break your career, so I want you to go out there, put on a good show and show everyone who's the baddest freestyle MC in Sunnyvale Trailer Park history.

Alright B. And thanks dog, for helping me keep this sh*t extra real, you know what I'm saying.

Man, we're all in this together, alright.

As far as that jacking off sh*t goes, man the ladies love that It just means you got a healthy sex drive.

Jules, I know I may come across as hard as f*ck all the time, you know what I'm saying.

But every m*therf*cker needs a boost of confidence from time to time.

You have my back boy?

I got your back man.

Let's f*cking do this sh*t You must be Mr. Detroit Velvet Smooth.

My name is James Lahey, this my assistant Randy.

You from Detroit?

No man, I'm from Moncton, but never mind that.

Where the f*ck are these CDs at?

Yo, they got my f*cking face on this sh*t though.

Where the f*ck is this f*cking J Roc at seriously?

It would be my pleasure to show you exactly where he is You're getting ripped off man.

We're getting ripped off It ain't gonna happen too much longer though.

We're gonna do this old school, right about now, you know what I'm saying. Get up T, get up T.

This is crazy, I can't believe this m*therf*cker.

But yo, I'm gonna deal with this right now.

Who are you?

Yeah, who am I? Don't worry about that., Yo, all I'm saying, I ain't gonna sh**t nobody I just want to get that m*therf*ckers attention.

Yo, J, come here man. Me and you need to talk.

Whoa, whoa, man. What do you think you're doing here?

What am I doing here? Whoa, whoa, whoa, nothing. How do you like that? All I'm saying is that m*therf*cker right there has been jacking my tunes and clocking my dollars.

For me, in this industry, that's called royalties m*therf*cker, royalties.

You know what I mean. Royalties.

What the f*ck does that mean Royalties, it means you owe me f*cking money.

Let's just put the g*ns away. Everything's cool alright.

DVS, pimp, I'm J Roc. You know what I'm saying?

I am so down with your sh*t, you know what I'm saying, keeping it real, what I'm saying.

Yo, you been jacking my tunes man, seriously I ain't trying to have that.

I ain't been jacking your tunes, my brother, I'm doing promotion sh*t, you know what...

Brother? You calling me your brother?

Seems to me one of us ain't black. Are you black?

Yeah, I'm black.

This mother-f*ckers' crazy No, J Roc's not crazy he just genuinely believes he's black.

We don't give him a hard time about it, he's always been like that I don't think most of us even notice anymore.

It's just weird when new folks come along and they take a look at him, but as soon as they talk to him and figure out what his stick is, he's black.

It's not an act, he really believes it.

You got degrees of black, you know what I'm saying?

All kinds of different m*therf*ckers are a different kind of black.

T is right here, you know what I'm saying., and like Lionel Ritchie is right here cause he ain't that black especially after the Commodores, he's practically not black a tall, you know what I'm saying.

You got your Michael Jackson, who's like a white black.

Which you know, can be sure on the whack.

Go up in your house, look in the mirror and see what you really is, cause to me and my boys, you's a punk.

J to the R O C is a punk.

Well that's a little harsh. He's not a punk.

He might be a bit of a f*cking goof but he's not a punk.

Punk.

Un mo.

Straight up and done.

Somebody get on stage, we got people freaking out here.

Corey, Trevor, get up on stage.

Prime Minister C, nice, don't offend.

If you don't like my sh*t, just pretend.

People always scream at me whenever I talk, but I don't jerk off cause I'm not the J Roc.

Honey, I told them the concert is over.

Oh my God, what's wrong? Why are you dressed like that?

Why would I be dressed any differently Mom?

It's who I am. It's hard to admit it, but Mum I'm white.

Bubbles. Bubbles, come here, man.

I hate to do this to you man, but you gotta get up there and rap until I can get J Roc back up.

Who's the microphone assassin?

You are, of course you are, you get out there and strut your stuff.

I didn't spend all that money on turntables for nothing.

I believe in you. You gott a believe in yourself.

I don't know, Mom, straight up, I don't know.

Well, I guess I'm gonna try to rap for you guys.

I've never rapped before and I'm kind of f*cking drunk, but I'll give it a sh*t, alright.

I got a grey kitty, white one and a tabby too.

And a big orange guy who puts snakes in my shoes., Madame C skills leave me strut and I roll with my kitties I'm as hard as f*ck.

Well, before you were born, I was, uh, involved with a couple of black guys.

I like black guys, Jamie, there's no question about it Look, we didn't sell two many CDs but here's two hundred bucks man.

Thanks a lot man.

Sorry for the mix up. Hey, just a sec.

Linda! Can J Roc's Mom talk to you for a second.

Yeah.

Could you just go in there and talk to him.

He thinks the world of you. Can you do that?

I can do, Mom, straight up That's nice, thank you.

Right on DVD.

It's DVS m*therf*cker.

I'm down with Plato and Socrates and I like to get busy with all the ladies.

Throwing them back, something, something, something.

There's a lot more to being black than just being down with NWA.

Seriously. You know what I mean?, There's black and there's white and then there's you J Roc and I still don't know what the f*ck that is yet., But you're cool, alright? And I did hear some of your sh*t man, and your sh*t is tight. Straight up.

You think my sh*t's tight.

Man, you're all good baby. Holler if you hear me man.

All I'm saying, you got to get out of this Tip Top sh*t, cause it's straight wacked, this rainbow connection sh*t is not working.

I'll go out there, you need to go get changed an then I'll be chilling right here waiting for you Word.

J to the R O C.

f*cking right.

Back up in the heezy, baby Straight up man, but right now I heard that the baddest freestyling MC, off the top of his head sh*t, is right here in Sunnyvale so while I'm saying Sunnyvale would you please make some noise for my man J to the R O C live and direct with Detroit Velvet Smooth here live and for you, so yo J Roc!

Hell yeah, make some noise for my boy, DVS, m*therf*cker, you know what I'm saying. This here's a story about some sh*t that happened to me today. Check it out.

Here we go, one two. By now you heard the story about how I got caught, playing with my sh*t, but hold that thought. Before you disrespect J R O C, it could happen to you, cause it happened to me and T.

Check this sh*t out.

Come on, J Roc.

A situation broke out when I smoke too much bud, reached in my drawers, pulled out my pud.

Bust open a jar of petroleum jelly, started thinking about Donna and Nicky And Shelley.

Nevermind, I was hitting it, we was almost there, then the door bust open and f*ck, my mom was there But don't disrespect J R O C, it could happen to you cause it happened to me.