03x08 - A sh*t Leopard Can't Change Its Spots

[bunniefuu]

What's wrong sweetie?

You're always in jail at christmas.

I'm gonna do my best to stay out of jail this year.

We're gonna go on the cruise instead of going to jail.

I'll tell you what. I got a great idea.

Why don't we have christmas today?

Really?

To make up for all the christmas I was in jail.

We'll have real presents and everything.

Cool!

Come on out.

You're not allowed doing that. That's littering.

I've noticed that if you throw something into a water body like A lake or an ocean that the next day you come back and its gone.

So somehow it takes it away and filters It through and just cleans it up Like a garbage compactor or whatever.

So it's not really littering if you ask me.

That's fine. The water's gonna wash it all away, sweetie.

Ah, sh*t!

We're gonna have to borrow a tire from somebody, trin.

See, you have to count the number of bolts.

One, two, three, four, five.

And daddy's car has one, two, three, four, five.

So this tire will fit on daddy's car.

Here, try putting your foot up on there like this.

There you go. See, you can do it.

I did it!

Ricky?

Listen, how come you're not excited About going on this cruise?

I am excited, bubbles.

You know, I think it's pretty awesome.

Julian planning this whole thing and it worked out.

He's a good f*cking thinker.

I just don't want to leave trinity, man.

I'm going to miss her and I want this to be The best christmas ever. I've got a lot of making up to do Cause I'm always in f*cking jail at christmas.

Come on, boys. Let's pick up the cruise tickets. Come on!

Bubbles, get in the back.

I'll mess up my hair in the convertible.

There's your tickets.

Right on!

Wait, there's uh, one more right?

Bonus ticket special - buy seven, get one free.

There's only seven tickets here. There should be eight.

Ricky was supposed to phone me back to confirm the free ticket.

I left him three messages and he never returned my calls.

If you want to get a hold of ricky, You've got to go down to the car Or walk around the park looking for him, yelling for him.

You can't just phone him up.

There's only seven of us going anyway. It's no big deal.

Where's my ticket, ricky?

Julian, bubbles...

Corey, trevor, lucy, sarah, erica? Erica?

What the f*ck, julian! Where's my ticket?

Julian never told anybody that he was going to use One of those for his new girlfriend.

Relax, alright! We can still get the bonus ticket now, right?

I'm sorry gentlemen. That promotion ended last week.

It's too late now. The ship sails at six.

Now ricky doesn't have a f*cking ticket.

Sometimes you can just hear the things f*cking shorting out in his brain.

I don't know what he's going to do.

And, we're going to try to make corey and trevor Come up with forty-two hundred dollars in about four hours.

It's kind of unfortunate that we've been paying In to the vacation pay With julian, but something, there was some kind of a mistake Or an accounting error and our, our money got lost.

Corey and trevor are as stupid as f*ck.

If this is going to happen, I'm in charge of how we get the money, Cause I'm not stupid.

Oh, oh, julian.

The fastest way to get money is to steal a bank machine.

You just take a f*cking chain, hook it up to a truck And yank the f*cking bank machine out of the store.

The stupidest thing is the people that make the bank machines, They don't even check with the people that make the doors.

All they have to do is make the door smaller than the bank machine, You can't get the bank machine out.

Dude, I don't care how we do it but we're going on a cruise, man.

It's all about the ladies, dude. The ladies.

We're going to have to come back and get this Cause I still gotta do my laundry.

Yeah, man, let's rob the laundry-mat.

sh*t, they got quarters and loonies.

That's a dope idea.

Do you have any tube socks?

f*ck man, that's what I was looking for.

So, ricky?

Uh-huh?

Corey and trevor stealing a bank machine.

Do you think that's a good idea?

I would have did it myself, bubbles, ut I'm not going back to jail.

Besides, julian's the one that screwed everything up.

Ricky, I just want you and erica to get along with each other okay, So could you please give her another chance?

You've got chicken on your lip.

Ricky... This doesn't look good.

Oh-oh.

He was having christmas dinner with his family, with his daughter.

There was a lot of unnecessary enforcement and reinforcement, and lahey comes in.

Ricky.

What the f*ck's going on here?

I've been waiting a long time for this, boy.

For what?

You know the lease You signed for your lot, rick?

Yeah.

It said if you made more than five sunnyvale by-law infractions, You were out on your ass.

But I didn't, so f*ck you.

Oh yeah? Outstanding lot fees with written warnings, Public drunkenness, trafficking,littering, excessive firearm discharge, Environmental oil test results. It's all there, officer.

Well, when ricky first got out of jail, mr. Lahey tricked him Into signing a legal thing saying that um, He'd abide by the sunnyvale rules and regulations.

And, you know, maybe ricky thought he could do it, I don't know.

You know what? You think you're so big and important, Showing off in front of the cops. Hat's what's going on here.

Just doing my job, ricky. A real job.

Something you'll never have the pleasure or mental capacity to understand.

I could do your f*cking job in a second.

Not in a second. Never. You know why, rick?

Why?

Cause you're a loser.

At least he's not a drunk.

Daddy's gotta go take care of some bullshit, alright?

I'll be back in a bit and we'll finish celebrating christmas.

I'm sorry. I love you pumpkin. I'll be back in a bit.

Ricky kind of freaked out and threw a turkey, Which might have gone through a windshield of one of the cop cars, They're saying. But, it's like, anyone would have done that.

Holy f*ck!

That was a perfectly good turkey.

Come here, fella.

Come here, buddy. It's still good.

Nah, no man should have to leave where he's from.

It shouldn't have happened.

You see this line? That's the freedom line, ricky.

You come back over that line and you go to jail.

Lke what, like this? Like that? Am I going to jail now?

If I had my choice, I probably wouldn't go back to jail, But jail is not that bad. I was getting pissed off At people here and the way I was being treated.

Sometimes, jail is better than this place.

Ah, once a criminal, always a criminal, huh?

That's what everybody thinks? Cause if that's the case, I may as well March my ass back to jail where it's nice and warm.

I'll spend the f*cking winter getting drunk and stoned with good dope.

Is that the end of the great sunnyvale trailer park eviction speech, ricky?

Actually it's not. I hope you're f*cking proud of yourself, Cause the end of my speech is f*ck you, f*ck you, f*ck you, f*ck you, f*ck everybody.

Ricky, don't worry about this stuff, okay?

Corey and trevor, they're going to get the money.

So smarten up, man, enough of this crazy sh*t, rick.

You just don't get it, do you?

What?

Have fun on your little cop cruise, alright?

Just remember what you gave up.

A f*cking guy that you could get drunk with, get stoned with, Didn't ask any f*cking questions about nothing.

Just hang out and have a good f*cking time.

Broke the law here and there, we made what we did to get by.

Just remember, you gave that up for a f*cking girlfriend, buddy.

A f*cking cop girlfriend. I know I won't forget it. Thanks a lot.

Sorry, buddy. You have a good time on the cruise. You deserve it.

Everybody else can f*ck off.

That was a good speech, ricky.

You want to come visit me julian, I'll be in jail.

Thanks, buddy.

[bell rings]

Oh f*ck.

Excuse me, sir, can you please step twenty feet away From the pump and extinguish your cigarette?

Can you please f*ck off? Thank you.

Come on, ricky, put it out. You got me fired from nine jobs Already this summer and I can't handle it.

I'm gonna call the cops.

Go ahead, jacob.

Call the f*cking cops. I dare ya.

But you know what, you're not gonna call the cops are you?

Cause you're scared. Please call them.

I want to f*cking go to jail anyway. d*ck!

Yeah, I'm calling them. Yes,I'd like to report a robbery, please.

Ah, f*ck off, jacob!

It's a black car with no door and a bunch of crap hanging off the back.

Some freak driving it. Yeah, the gas station.

I can't believe this sh*t!

[bell rings]

Did that guy steal something?

He stole a bunch of sh*t.

Did he tell you to call the cops?

He was daring me to and I called them. They're on their way.

Look, my friend has psychological problems.

I want you to call the cops back and tell them you f*cked up.

He stole about two hundred bucks worth of sh*t. Like, I don't know.

Here. There's seventy bucks. That should cover it.

Uh. I'm gonna get in sh*t with my boss.

And here's twenty bucks for calling the cops back. Are we cool?

Yeah man, we're cool.

Thanks, man.

Hey, everybody, come on over here, please.

Just want you guys to know that I am drunk as f*ck, Driving around town drunk.

I'm on dope and I want you to call the police.

I want to go back to jail. Please. Not only that, But I've got a loaded hand g*n right here.

I'm gonna start f*ring this off. So please call the cops.

[g*nf*re]

What, you're not going to call the police?

f*cking julian. Great!

You've got two options here, okay?

One, go on this awesome cruise with all your friends, All-inclusive, have a good time.

Or number two, go to jail. This isn't a difficult decision, ricky.

I'm not going on the cruise if erica is.

So I guess I'm going the f*ck back to jail.

Erica's just got this attitude like she's better than everybody else Just cause she's wearing a f*cking badge and that's bullshit.

She's not better than me, we just have different occupations or whatever.

I'm just as good as she is.

You've changed man.

Meet me back at the trailer park.

Sure, julian.

I'm not joking here.

I'll meet you back there. I'll be there in two minutes. No problem.

You just wait for me. I'll be right there, buddy.

f*ck that, we're going somewhere else. Come with me, guys.

[brakes squealing]

Alright! Somebody come and f*cking arrest me, please.

I need you to keep an eye on ricky for a little while, okay?

I want to go to jail.

He won't listen to me.

I think he really wants to go back to jail.

"closed for renovations"! This is f*cked!

Alright, julian. I'll do it but...

Don't you notice the look ricky has in his eye.

That crazy look.

I've seen that before and it scares me.

I don't want anything stupid to ruin this cruise on us.

Hey, everybody! How you doing? This is my friend mr. g*n.

My special guest smith & wesson says get your ass down And give me some quarters. This is a stick up, real deal, Real g*n, full cooperation and no one gets done.

Yeah, so listen to me cause that's what I say.

Stop f*cking rapping, this is the real thing.

Down please, miss. Down. Down.

Alright, you just keep doing what you're doing.

Your cool. That's alright.

Tall boy, get down! Don't make me f*cking get up there. Down!

Alright, we want your change. Give us your change now.

Dude, just take the f*cking quarters.

Please, get on the ground.

Look at these little things of detergent. We should take these too.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

This thing's awesome, man!

That's a little big. I can't drive this sh*t.

I'll drive it. Just get us in there, man.

So, what did you want to talk about?

Listen, we've got to work this whole ricky situation out.

I know you don't think too highly of him and everything, But he's a good guy, he's my best friend.

I really want him to go on this cruise with us.

No offence, julian. Ricky's a skid. He belongs in jail.

When are you going to grow up and see that?

Look, I know you guys go way back but, This isn't junior high school anymore.

Lahey's right. Ricky's a loser.

I really think it's time for you to get out of the park, julian.

The people you hang out with are f*cked up.

[sound of change falling]

Where'd you get the coins, boys?

Uh, we were gambling with trevor's grandmother.

But, we weren't gambling though. We were just...

Why don't you call me when you're finished with your friends.

Don't be pulling sh*t like that in front of erica again, you got it?

Sorry, dude. But man, we got the money.

Eighteen hundred bucks in quarters.

Man, we're going on the trip. A-rah!

Eighteen hundred bucks.

You know what? That's not enough.

Now roll that f*cking coin up and go get some more money.

[glass smashing]

I don't understand why you'd want to give up the finer things in life.

Like getting drunk and stoned with your friends.

Settle down for, well that's ridiculous.

And I want to go on this cruise, but I'm not going With julian and his police officer girlfriend. f*ck that!

All I know is when I'm seventy years old And I'm sitting on my front porch, still getting drunk and stoned With my friends, who's going to be happier, me or him?

I guarantee you, it's going to be f*cking me.

Oh my god, ricky. What have you done now?

Come on, julian... Come on, answer...

Julian, it's me.

You've got to get down to the liquor store.

Ricky's inside. He's getting drunk and he's swearing.

Bubbles, I see you out there. I'm not stupid.

There's a f*cking camera crew too. Don't f*cking film me.

He's whipping bottles at me, julian!

Bubbles, come and have a drink with me before I go to jail, buddy.

Alright, I'll try to stall him but get down here.

Where's the tape on this thing? Come on, ricky.

My name's ricky from sunnyvale trailer park.

I want to go to f*cking jail, alright? So come and get me. Come and take me away.

Ricky, what are you doing?

What are you going to do, julian?

Get drunk with the boys or hang out with the girlfriend?

I've got half the money for your ticket.

Corey and trevor will be in third class.

You're gonna get a first class suite.

No, I'm not, cause I'm going back to jail in about ten minutes.

Holy f*ck, have you guys ever tried that dope flavoured rum?

Dope flavoured rum? Where?

Get him, julian!

[making noises]

It's gonna be cool, ricky.

Julian, I got the surveillance tape!

Good, you've got to drive, bubbles.

What if I get pulled over?

Stick to the speed limit, you won't get pulled over.

[sirens]

Oh no! Okay, ricky, just relax.

Don't worry, I can take care of this. I've seen you do this a hundred times.

[making noises]

Don't worry, I know what I'm doing.

Hi, officer, how are you doing today? I'll just step out.

I can't get my door open. I'll get out this way.

Oh oh now, hang on now.

Oh oh. Yup, this way is fine too.

I can get out that way. That's not a problem.

Me and my buddy, there, We're doing a kind of a university prank on him for initiation.

[making noises]

I know. Calm down please.

[making noises]

What's going on?

We lost the car, julian.

Get in.

Okay, boys.

Look what we got, randy. sh*t stormtroopers.

Ricky, stay in the car.

Good advice.

Lift this gate up, lahey, I don't have time for this today.

Ricky, you cross that line, you're going to jail boy!

Perfect, ass face, cause I want to go to jail. f*ck off, randy!

Jim, we're just going to my trailer to talk.

Randy, go call the cops.

Tell them we got an illegal alien trying to jump the border.

You wait here, ricky. I'm going to go grab some mix and ice, We'll go talk somewhere else. Bubbles, keep an eye on him.

Make sure he doesn't cross the line.

Ricky, ricky...

Come on, guys...

You're not going back to jail.

I want to though.

What's the problem this time, boys?

Captain sh*t-acular is raising sh*t in sunnyvale again.

And when he called us and said this is what's happening, You have to come out here and help, I have no choice.

I would say that ricky's a sh*t leopard that can't change it's spots.

Please, take me away. I want you to. I want you to take me to jail.

Look, I'm not going to play into your sh*t, okay?

Then you and your little boyfriend can live happy hour ever after, Isn't that what you want?

Ricky, I'm really trying to like you.

You're not making it easy.

Well maybe this will help.

f*ck off.

Okay, that's it.

Bring him over here, bubbles. This is a police emergency.

I'm going to have to take your cab.

I'm crossing your little f*cking line, lahey!

Just take him out of the park, anywhere, I don't care.

Don't f*cking slam the door on me. Tell julian it was nice knowing him Since elemental school, breaking the law With g*ns and dope and everything else!

Ricky told us just to hook everything up and tear the bank machine Out of the wall and then We could just make a withdrawal when we get it back to the park.

What's up, ricky?

How's it going, boys?

Where's the store clerk?

Tied him up out back, man.

He probably just wants to be a part of it with us.

It's an exciting job and he's been pretty cool as of late.

A lot of people like to work with people who are good at things And kind of job shadow them or whatever And I think it would be an awesome opportunity for ricky.

It's all secure?

It's all set up.

Get the f*ck out, guys. I'm taking over the job.

Get the f*ck out. Good job.

What?!

Get out!

My name is ricky, I'm from the sunnyvale trailer park, and I'm robbing your store.

I'm tearing this bank machine right the f*ck out of here.

Who are you talking to, ricky?

Are you guys f*cking stupid?

Look, you're on camera, you idiots, now get out.

[smash]

Wait up, ricky!

Thanks for the milk shake, julian, it's delicious.

I am drunk as f*ck! Drunk as f*ck!

sh*t, is that ricky?

I would say it is, julian.

My god, it's ricky!

Yeah, we got a 10-72 at the sunnyvale trailer park.

Thank you very much. Well, ricky, it looks like you--

f*ck you, f*ck you, f*ck your gate.

Willful destruction of property, theft under a thousand dollars, Trespassing, dangerous driving, you're going back to jail, boy.

Did you call the cops yet?

Yeah, I did.

Good, I want to go back to jail.

You wanna go?

Hey, trin.

Hi.

Where did you get this rim?

I borrowed it, daddy. Just like you taught me to. Merry christmas.

Like I taught you to. What do you mean?

Apples don't fall far from the tree, do they, rick?

Lahey, I got a lot to deal with before I got back to jail.

I have no time for your sh*t so f*ck off.

Speaking of sh*t, rick, which we were, When a sh*t apple falls from a tree and grows up in a field of sh*t, It doesn't have any choice. Just like trinity.

She's going to go up to be a sh*t apple tree.

Just like her father. Have fun in jail, rick.

I want to go to jail.

Trinity, don't ever say that again, okay? Don't joke around.

I want to go to jail. Jail, jail, jail, jail.

Trinity, stop it! I'm serious. Don't ever joke about that.

You're never going to jail, okay?

Oh yes she is, rick.

No she's not, lahey, so f*ck off.

What I started realizing about trinity is that now she's at this age Where it's gorilla see, gorilla do. If I throw a bottle in the lake, She's gonna throw a bottle in the lake, which is no big deal.

You are never going to jail, so you gotta do the right thing And take this rim back where you got it from.

She doesn't need to steal. I could steal anything we need.

Why does she need to take it? It's better I got to jail than her.

Where'd you get this rim? At the mall?

Yup.

What's going on, ricky?

It's a long story, boys.

I stole a bank machine. It's all on video tape.

I'm f*cked, I'm going back to jail. Can't go on the cruise.

Rick, you're not going back to jail. Store surveillance tape. I got it back.

Now let's go get the money from the bank machine and get out of here.

Let's go ricky, cruise.

Hold on a second, guys, hold on.

What?

I can't go on the cruise even if I'm not going back to jail.

I can't.

Well, why, ricky?

I've got to stay and look after trinity.

She's starting to steal and that's not good.

I don't want her to grow up to be a sh*t apple like me.

Here, hold that, honey. I'll be back in a bit, boys.

I just gotta take this rim back and I'll drive you guys down to the ship.

I just gotta make a little withdrawal man.

It'll only take a second.

Julian! How long do you think It'll take your little cop girlfriend to realize You can't change the spots on a sh*t leopard?

f*ck off with your sh*t talk, lahey.

Randy, secure the evidence.

Come on, julian.

Get away from the evidence.

[shouting]

Holy f*ck, she blew!

Julian, you are in trouble now, boy.

Boys, you got police dye all over you.

Julian, what the hell is going on here?

Stand back, ma'am. This is official police matter.

[sirens]

Here they come, randy.

Did ricky do this? You could go to jail for this.

Please tell me you weren't...

I didn't have anything to do with this, okay.

Look it was randy and lahey, they have dye all over them.

Dave, these two, they stole a bank machine.

Take them away.

What?!

Bubbles, leave without me.

I don't want to leave without you.

Listen go, I'll meet you there, okay, buddy?

You're not going to be there, are you, julian?

Have a good time. Yes, I am.

Well?

Listen, erica, I don't have any dye on me, okay?

How could you ruin this with your criminal bullshit?

I thought you were better than that.

I'm a cop...

And he's a criminal.

And I swear I never meant to be.

Either you love me for who I am or you arrest me right now.

You have the right to retain And instruct counsel in private without delay.

Dave, another one.

Could you stop filming, please?!

Going on that cruise would have been a good time and everything, But I'm trying to keep my mind off it because well, you know, I'm in here.

I been doing a lot of reading on positive thinking again And it's helped me out.

Hi, julian.

f*ck off, randy. So I've got eight months And that's not that bad. I've done a lot longer time.

Yeah, when I get out, I want to do three things: Fix up the park, Have a little drink, Just celebratory...

Yeah.

And uh... I want to k*ll ricky.

Life's funny. Never did I ever think I'd become trailer park supervisor, But lahey and randy went to jail and the job came up.

I had experience so here I am.

Mr. Lahey is just joking about k*lling ricky, right mr. Lahey?

Yup, just joking about that, you're right, randy.

And since I'm not going to jail, We can even have christmas together, so life for me is perfect.

You did it, daddy!

I did do it, didn't I?

[all]: thanks, julian!

Captioning by cnst,montreal