04x03 - Rub 'N Tiz'zug

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Trailer Park Boys". Aired: April 2001 to present.*
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Ricky and Julian are two guys whose lives were shaped by their experiences growing up in the Trailer Park. Their childhood was typical of most trailer park kids: stealing, fighting, smoking, drinking, scamming and listening to Van Halen.
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04x03 - Rub 'N Tiz'zug

Post by bunniefuu »

The Sasquatch.

Fact or fiction?

Those big hairy monsters, they're real, Trin.

No, they're not.

Look at that thing.

What person ever moved like that in the history of people?

f*ck!

...is nocturnal by nature, so logically there would be relatively few sightings.

Yet there have been literally hundreds of sightings all across North America for generations now.

Can all these people be wrong?

Trevor, stop f*cking calling me. I got no dope.

Hey, Bubs. You watching this documentary of Saskatchewans It's Samquanch, Ricky, and there's one outside my f*cking door right now.

He's trying to get into my shed.

Holy sh*t, Bubbles, I see him. Don't scare him. It's worth a lot of money.

Got the cock-sucker, Bubbles Get him, Daddy!

Jesus, he took my bat. He took my- Ah!

Crank him, Ricky! Ah!

See how big his feet are.

What the f*ck are you guys doing?

Holy f*ck, he can talk, Bubbles!

Omigod, Ricky. That's 'cause he is Julian Julian!

Holy f*ck, man. Are you okay?

What the f*ck were you doing, boys?

Sorry, Julian. We thought you were a Sandsquanch.

What is going on?

Julian just b*at the sh*t out of us with a bat.

God, you guys got problems ! We're going to my mother's I don't want you to see your father in this light.

Have a great time, kids.

What's that supposed to mean Good night, Daddy.

See ya, sweetie.

Lucy, it was an accident.

Do I have a mark here, Julian?

I feel right tender.

I'm going to bed, boys.

I'm sore as f*ck. Good night Good night, Ricky. Top bunk, Julian.

I think Bullard's coming on.

f*ck that d*ck.

Where's Shitrock at?

Shitrock?

Shitrock? Here, kitty, kitty.

Hey, Bubbles, you awake? I need some duct tape, Buddy My knee is f*cked.

Hang on, Ricky.

Got some cereal, man. It's new. It's f*cking awesome Oh, yeah? Your knee's f*cked, is it?

I got some tape somewhere, but... if you tape my arm up I'll look after it.

Boys, I can't even straighten my arm up.

Look what you did to me, Rick!

Oh, look who's despicably thinking about themselves, huh What about me, Julian? Look at my f*cking eye.

See that? And I can't even walk. Being selfish, man.

Julian. Sorry we b*at you up. I really am, but I did think you were a Samsquanch.

Why are you calling them Samsquanches?

That's what I've called them since I was little.

Well, they don't exist.

Bullshit, they don't.

Alright, this is the deal, boys.

We're gonna be doing some work today.

No f*cking way. I gotta get drunk, I'm sore as f*ck.

No, no, no. Boys, listen to me. Boys, boys You're gonna help me steal some furniture.

It's the least you can do.

I'm too sore, Julian.

Bubbles, go get some tape. We'll tape ourselves up and we'll go steal some furniture for Mr. f*cking Selfish.

Holy f*ck, this cereal is good f*ck, Ricky, there's Barb. Cut your piss off.

I can't cut my piss off, Bubbles, you know that.

'Morning, boys. I hear you b*at the sh*t out of each other last night with baseball bats. That was smart. I wonder if you could explain this purchase order I found for a $2,000 Everlast Wrestling Ring.

Barb, it's not a wrestling ring, it's more like a multi-purpose community centre.

It says wrestling ring on the purchase order, so I cancelled it. And I wonde when you are going to get around to doing those clothesline repairs we talked about?

Actually, we're doing that today.

I just gotta go pick up some clothesline wire-

Ricky!

We gotta pick up some poles, we're gonna fix them today I'm sorry about that. Bubbles, I'm sorry. Jesus.

Good. That's great. Julian, if you are serious about buying the park, I want a cash deposit.

Not bottles, not dope, cash. And I want it today.

Otherwise, I'll list it with a real-estate agent.

f*ck!

Barb, I'll have the money.

What are those fuckers up to Probably going for some shitdogs and fries, Mr. Lahey.

Randy, I thought we agreed No more sh*t talk till we're back in power.

You ready for a little B & E ?

Bacon and eggs?

Evidence gathering.

Just put this on Jim Lahey's account. Sunnyvale.

Ricky, I can't do that.

I guess you're gonna have to pay for it yourself, then. Cause we're f*cking taking it.

f*cking Jacob.

Ah. f*ck!

Ah, f*cking Jesus!

Careful, Ricky. Careful.

Holy f*ck, boys. Cyrus number one.

It says "d*ck" and then the arrow points right to Cyrus.

Look at this, Randy.

Unopened trailer-park supervisor correspondence.

It's a good goddamned thing we're back to take care of sh*t like this.

Check this map out, Mr. Lahey.

Wonder what it's for?

I haven't the foggiest notion. But I got a niggling suspicion whatever it is, is gonna help send Ricky up piss creek for a long time.

What are you guys doing here?!

Ah, thanks for your concern, ma'am.

We thought, uh, we heard someone breaking in What's that?

It's some map.

I'm gonna tell my father We got Corey and Trevor working on the clothesline The last thing we need is Barb Lahey freaking out on us.t Where we going now, Ricky?

We're gonna smoke a join and go steal some furniture from Julian. I know just the place.

The people are stupid and they got the best furniture. Government buildings are so easy to rob. You come during the day and take everything. No one even says anything.

Wait. We're actually about to start a production meeting.

There's new furniture coming in about five minutes So I'm just gonna take this.

First, let me call my supervisor, please.

I'd love to, but we need that phone. Sorry.

Hey, excuse me. Everybody, just put the stuff down, please.

Just keep that stuff coming right out here.

Where are you guys taking this stuff?

Just put it down.

You can't have our stuff, okay? Like, we need this.

We're trying to work here.

Look, I'm trying to do my job.

Keep it coming. I need four loaders for the car.

Who said you could take this stuff?

Paul or Jeff. Head office.

Jeff?

I don't know.

You talked to Jeff?

Yeah. Everything's cool. There'll be new sh*t here in about 10 minutes. It's a lot nicer than this shitty stuff Oh, we're getting new stuff.

It's brand new, it's great I just talked to Jeff and we're getting new stuff.

Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

Randy and Lahey broke in and tried to steal this.

Great, Ricky. They got half the dope map. Nice work, buddy It's not a big deal. They got a little piece and we named all the dope fields after cats, anyway.

They won't have a f*cking clue !

It could've been a big deal!

Lahey's gonna try anything to get us thrown back in jail!

Alright, we gotta set up a front to distract those dicks.

How much of the dope map did they get, Ricky?

Ouch, boys, I feel like I got hit by a f*cking dump truck.

How much would a massage thing cost me, do you figure?

A massage?

Look, Julian, I know I'm dumb as f*ck and stuff but... why couldn't we just steal more furniture and fill up these trailers with furniture and f*cking open, like, a used furniture store or some sh*t A used-furniture store is not a bad idea, Julian.

Keep Lahey and Randy distracted, make a few bucks.

Exactly. Get two birds stoned at once We're gonna fill the trailers up with furniture alright.

But we're gonna rent them out by the hour.

Oh, that's greasy.

That's really f*cking greasy Yeah, it's greasy.

Gre-he-he-eeasy!

What's up, Julian, Bubbles, man?

You guys look f*cked up.

Don't even want to talk about it. Look, J-Roc, I'm looking for some ladies. I know you know what kind of ladies I'm talking about.

Talk to my manager, bitch.

Manager?

Yeah, that's right. I'm representing J-Roc now I'm representing T-Knuckles and finally I'm takingn these guys' careers to a whole new level and new directio and finally putting Sunnyvale Trailer Park on the map.

For real.

For real.

Look, man, I'm opening up a massage parlour, alright I need six ladies.

You talking about opening up a rub-a-tiz'zub, mo-fucker I'm feeling that. I'm feeling that.

A rub 'n' tug?

Yeah.

Let me talk to you, then. I'll do you what you want.

I'll get you the ladies. I'll get you the hos.

It's gonna cost you at least thirty points, homey.

What do you think, Bubs?

Well, I don't know much about this stuff, Julian.

They're good hos, man. I'm telling you.

What other choice do we have? He says they're good hos.

Alright, alright. Done. Three o'clock.

I'll see you then. I'll be here waiting with the hos.

Peace out, Sling Blade.

It's not a sling, J-Roc.

It's duct tape. Just get the hos.

This is the perfect opportunity for you right now. Massage parlours, hos. This is the type of greasy sh*t you need to be associated with.

f*cking right, boy.

I'm gonna tell you one other thing, homey.

This type of sh*t is gonna land the pimp in jail too.

Know what I'm saying?

Jail? I don't play jail, mofo.

You're gonna have to pla jail. I'm just letting you know.

Jail is what's gonna make you sell records.

The album's coming out. And hey, T, you gotta make sure that when it goes down, you got the pictures taken for the album cover.

I'm not going to jail, man You gotta to sell this record.

People are gonna be there the day that that album comes out.

They're gonna be in the stores waiting for that So if he goes to jail, ah, man, it's gonna be perfect.

I'm telling you. It's gonna go down.

I don't know about you, man, but I ain't going to jail, man I ain't going to jail either Like I'll f*cking go to jail, know what I'm saying?

'Cause I'm hard, right. I ain't shook about going to jail.

But it's, like, I kinda like my freedom too at the same time Boys, if you're here, you better get the f*ck over here right now.

What's up, dude?

Thanks for letting Lahey and Randy break into my trailer, boys. Real smart I didn't hear anything.

'Cause of your video games What's going on in here?

Sarah, calm down.

What did I tell you about taking advantage of these guys I'm not taking advantage of them. I love those guys No you don't. Corey and Trevor are mine now. I love them.

Sarah, we've owned Corey and Trevor since they were six So they're coming with us. Boys, wait outside.

Okay.

No, stay.

If you give them $20 right now, you can have them for one hour and they're not leaving the park.

Fine. Here's a gram of hash, boys. Split her up.

Take it.

Nice.

I said $20!

Here's a little piece for you to calm down.

They're staying in the park!

They're not leaving the park. We're staying in the trailer Give me that hash back. This stuff is sh*t.

I'll give you some good stuff later.

Trevor, chips and smokes, let's go. Let's go.

Boys, you're gonna go to the dump, steal a garbage truck, hook up with us at a hotel, we're gonna move some furniture, okay. That's it And don't f*ck this up, 'cause Julian's counting on you.

He'll k*ll you.

Cool.

Trevor!

Bubbles's cats. Deciduous trees.
Mr. Lahey.

Jesus, Jim, you look like... ah, God!

Barb, what can I do for you?

I thought you should know, I'm having a bit of financial trouble I, uh, I've decided I've got to sell the park.

Well... Barb, who the hell is gonna buy Sunnyvale in the financial state that Ricky's left it in?

Ricky and Julian and Bubbles are gonna buy Sunnyvale.

They're gonna give me a cash deposit tomorrow.

Look, I'm sorry, Jim. Okay Jesus, Barb, you gotta be kidding.

No. No, I'm not kidding.

Alright, get three rooms, Ricky.

Okay, nice work with the garbage truck, boys Now we got 4.5 minutes here.

How's it going, Captain?

You looking at my gut?

No.

Yes, you were.

I just took a little peek.

I saw ya.

I'm sorry.

What are you looking at my gut for?

I'm just f*cking with ya. What can I do with you?

We just drove from Toronto for the garbage-truck convention We just want to get a few rooms, couple of hours for a nap.

Take credit card?

Anything you want, Mr. Lahey Just call me Jim. That's cool.m Take all the stuff out of these motel rooms and load the onto the garbage truck. Leave nothing behind.

We're all sore as f*ck, so you two have to do all the loading Do you understand?

Cool, man.

Trevor?

Yeah, I understand.

Alright, boys, we're clear. Hurry up!

Don't wrap the cord up, just take the thing out.

Time, Bubbles?

Two minutes.

It's still clear, boys.

Ow! God.

Oh, good going, Corey.

Oh, yeah! Who's your daddy Grab the carpet.

I need something to rip it up, in the corner.

Use your fingers. They're like f*cking skeleton fingers!

Good job, boys.

Heads up, boys.

You guys might have to fight this guy. We're too sore.

Whatever you do, do not look at his gut.

What's going on here? There's no furniture.

What the f*ck are we supposed to sleep on? The floor?

What's going on here, Mr. Lahey? Huh?

Where's my furniture? It was here two hours ago.

I don't wanna sleep on a floor and neither do these guys.

What are you looking at?

Nothing.

Huh?

Nothing.

I'm calling the cops, man.

You can't call the cops.

I should call the cops. I could sue you.

I rented a room, there's nothing to sleep on but a floor.

Stop looking at it.

I'm not.

Stop looking at it, Bubbles.

Julian, I'm just reading where it says Vancouver.

Everybody's looking at it!

It's f*cking huge. Let's just get this over with.

Everybody, take a good f*cking look.

What's the big deal? It's not a big deal.

Why do you have a problem?

I don't have a problem.

It's you guys who keep looking at it.

You are f*cked. So what, you got a gut.

It's not a big deal. Let's go, boys.

What are you looking at?

Open up the gate, yo! Let's go!

Thanks for coming, ladies.

Know what I'm saying? On such short notice.

It's gonna be straight-up, know what I'm saying?

It's gonna be a cash operation You're all gonna get paid today.

It's gonna be dope.

All high-class, J- Roc up in this mo-fucker This is "Ten Toes," Mr. Lahey.

That's the name of one of Bubbles's new kitties.

He's got ten toes. I've seen him, Mr. Lahey.

Listen. The Xs are kittens, Randy. Sex kittens.

Prostitution?

Right.

Listen, they've used a clever feline simile to throw us off, but if we document everything carefully, Randy, we've got them.

We don't do this all the time. Know what I mean?

We make records, that's what we do.

J-Roc, can you help me, please?

That's my manager, sucker.

Julian, what is this sh*t? We can't work in here.

There's no mattresses, there's no plumbing-, Shhh! Listen, listen. We got all kinds of towels beds, clean sheets. Come on.

Beds?

Dude man, this sh*t's all stuck. Can you open it up?

Oh, sh*t! No, dude! No, no, turn it off! Oh, sh*t!

Oh, f*ck.

Omigod.

Nice f*cking going! That's Julian's furniture.

It's not our fault, Ricky. The switch was wired backwards Well, you better f*cking fix it!

We can't, dude. We gotta go do Sarah's hair!

We gotta do it, Ricky.

You're not doing Sarah's hair, you're fixing f*cking furniture. Now get to work.

I'll deal with Sarah. Nice f*cking going, you idiots Nice one, Trevor.

f*ck off, Corey.

Dog, I'm gonna set you up with the Fantasy Island theme room, That's Alexis. She got a tattoo. Know what I mean?

But it's 40 mo-fuckers, G.

Hit me up. Have fun. Know what I'm saying?

Yo, DVS. Listen, man, I need more ladies, okay?

I got all kinds of customers. Some are walking away.

I'm losing serious cash.

Alright, I'm on it, dog. I'm gonna call it right now. I'm just letting you know, he keeps a real tight leash on his b*tches, man.

Don't care. Bring 'em on I'm gonna call them right now. Don't worry about a thing.

Where's Corey and Trevor Quit staring and fix this f*cking furniture. Jesus!

Boys, massages, let's go We're getting a massage, dude?

No, no. I want you guys to give the massages.

No way, Julian.

Just put those gloves on It's no big deal.

Get the f*ck in there.

I need your help. There's not enough ladies here Forget it, Julian, no.

Boys, I need your help.

Are you cool with this, Corey?

Thanks, boys.

Hurry up, you gotta fix this f*cking furniture.

Here, you two guys are up. You guys head on in there.

Where's this guy at, anyway?

Chilll out, Julian.

Cyrus'll be here in a minute, know what I'm saying?

Cyrus?

What the f*ck are you doing working with Cyrus?

Well, well, well. If it isn't the big tough Julian.

Duh, Bu-Bu-Bubble telescope, and helmet head.

f*cking call me a telescope.

Ladies, the boss is home It's been a long time no see, dickweeds.

Why don't you take your little g*n and f*ck off, Cyrus?

Why don't we f*ck on?

Julian, where's the hand cream?

I know one of you dickheads did this to my car.

'Cause you're the only one that knows I failed Grade 10

You failed Grade 10 ?

f*ck off.

What's this, I'm a fuckhead? Huh?

Actually it says "I'm f*cked in the head," 'cause you are Ricky, where the f*ck are Corey and Trevor?

I said I wanted them back an hour ago.

I don't f*cking know. They went home two hours ago I don't have them. You must still have them.

Get your hands off it! I came for a lady!

Not f*cking Corey and Trevor!

Julian made me do it.

Get over here right now!

I get home, the trailer's still a mess and I find you guys here jerking off men?

Whoa, whoa! Nothing actually happened yet.

Shut up. I don't want to hear it. I want you guys to go home and I want you to clean-

Shut the f*ck up. Dirty dancer.

I assume you're running this little sh*t show.

You owe me some money. And I want it right f*cking now.

Put the g*n away, Cyrus.

Yeah, Cyrus, why don't you f*ck off and go home, ass chin.

Chill out for a sec. Listen, I'll give you some money for your ladies tomorrow. So put your little g*n away, because we all know you're not gonna use it.

Yeah, 'cause you're too afraid.

You don't think I'm afraid to use this?

Dance, boys.

Dance.

Come on, man.

There's all kinds of g*nf*re and sh*t going down.

I'm calling the f*cking cops right now.

Listen, Ty, this is gonna be your chance You're gonna make sure you got the camera.

This is the album cover, mo-fucker.

I'm serious! I want my money or someone'll get sh*t This is our park, Mr. Lahey!

I can't stand around and take this bullshit.

I'll take all three of you crippled fuckheads on at the same time, or are you scared?

Cyrus, we're not scared of you.

We're just all too sore to fight you because me and Ricky thought Julian was a Samsquanch monster and we b*at each other up with baseball bats.

Friggin' Cyrus.

Randy takes his pants off now when he wants to fight He can't fight in tight pants.

He's worried about ripping his precious little pants.

When the pants come off, look the f*ck out.

No one here is man enough to knock this chip off my shoulder.

Huh?, I am, Cyrus. I'm way more of a man than you'll ever be you dirty bitch.

Is that right?

Mm-hmm.

Well, what are you gonna do?

Hmm? Squish me with that whale blubber, there, fruity nuts?

Kiss my hand and say I'm a little bitch You're a little bitch.

Say it like you mean it!

I'm a little bitch.

Alright, alright.

That's enough. You b*at him.

Now frig off, Cyrus. Get the hell out of here.

And stay the hell out of Sunnyvale!

f*ck off. I got work to do.

Yo, J, come on, man. Seriously, yo.

Get into character, mo-fucker. We worked hard for this sh*t I got this sh*t.

Smoking track...

The album! Just think of the album cover.

Someone want to tell me what the hell is going on here I'll tell you, bitch.

Bitch?! You call me "bitch"?

I sh*t the place up!

You didn't call me "bitch" !

Those are my b*tches, there, and I'm on cr*ck!

cr*ck?

See that pipe?

That's real sh*t.

Keep sh**ting, T.

Representin' Sunnyvale hard as f*ck!

Hold it down, J! Sunnyvale!

What the f*ck was that? What are you doing, J-Roc?

Was that real cr*ck he was smoking?

Here, man, you want some chips.

What are you doing here, Lahey? Get the f*ck out of here.

Watch what you're saying, or you'll be f*cking next.

I'm not afraid of you, Randy.

I'm not scared of you either You're lucky I'm f*cking sore right now, I'll tell you that.

Hey, Ricky. He's your folk art.

f*ck off, dicksmack.

Guess you won't be needing It anymore, will you, Ricky?

See, Julian, it's not bad.

We can take the tin foil off the walls if you want.

Just leave it. It looks cool.

I like the tin foil too.

I think-

f*ck!

Are Corey and Trevor f*cked in the head?

Who can't fix a f*cking chair?

Rick, that's the least of our concerns right now, alright.

Jesus Christ!

What do you mean?

Well, Rick, we don't have any money.

The cops seized all the cash from the f*cking rub 'n' tug How much do we have left?

Forty bucks.

That's it?

Well, you guys want to get something to eat?
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