04x04 - The Green Bastard

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Trailer Park Boys". Aired: April 2001 to present.*
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Ricky and Julian are two guys whose lives were shaped by their experiences growing up in the Trailer Park. Their childhood was typical of most trailer park kids: stealing, fighting, smoking, drinking, scamming and listening to Van Halen.
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04x04 - The Green Bastard

Post by bunniefuu »

What the hell is that idiot up to now?

Mr. Lahey, can I ask you something?

Why are you making me wear this shirt?

Are you embarrassed about the way I look?

Of course not, Randy. You're beautiful.

When we win Trailer Park Supervisor of the Year, boy, we gotta look professional.

There's no way Barb's going to go for this, Mr. Lahey. Bottle kids!

Are you alright, Mr. Lahey Alright, Randy? I've never been better.

I can feel it. Today's the day, Randy.

Today is the day I receive the highest, most prestigious award there is, and you know what else?

I don't know how, but Ricky is going down today.

And we're going to polish off a quart of rye - each.

Being Trailer Park Supervisor has been a fulfillment kind of reward.

I can f*ck around, do whatever sh*t I want.

It's been great. And when Julian was in jail, it stressed Bubbles out a bit, so I figure it's time to give back to him, to the community at the same time So today, I'm having Community Day.

It's gonna f*cking kick-ass too. We got front-end-loader rides, A paint-ball-target range.

And then we're gonna have wrestling.

You know, it's a good chance to make a bit of money for the down payment for the park, which will keep Julian f*cking happy and pay off my debt, which, I mean, that wasn't my fault.

But that's neither there nor here nor anywhere.

Right now, I'm just gonna smoke a big six-paper joint and get f*cking wrecked and party all f*cking day.

Ricky, what are you doing?

Come on, man, we got lots of work to do here Where the f*ck are Corey and Trevor?

You seen them?

They're back there, moving Bubbles' shed.

Got a big enough joint there, Rick?

I need Corey and Trevor to work for me today.

I got weed, I'll f*cking pay them.

It's Community Day, Julian Listen, why don't you tr focusing on the weed a bit more, instead of being Trailer Park Supervisor.

You're f*cking up, man.

Sounds like someone's jealous about me being Supervisor.

No, no! Those plants are getting huge, Rick, okay It's starting to scare me a bit.

Julian, it's one f*cking day. We'll get drunk and stoned We're going to have Community Day here.

Bubbles is gonna get to wrestle. He's gonna sh*t himself.

Heads up - Barb.

Oh, my goodness, Randy.

You look... magnificent.

Jim this is, um, interesting. "Mr. James Lahey, you have been selected as Trailer Park Supervisor of the Year by the International Association of Trailer Parks, Trailer Park Supervisors and Assistant Trailer Park Supervisors. "

The letterhead is incredible and it's so well written.

You know, boys, I really, I really don't have time for this nonsense.

Barb? That's the real thing.

I was nominated four times and this year, I won.

Jim, we've been all through this.

You are not the Trailer Park Supervisor, Ricky is.

Yeah, Babs, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

They think that I'm still Supervisor of the park.

Look, what I'm asking is this: Make me Supervisor for one day, I'll accept the award, and Sunnyvale can become part of the international union.

Just think what that will do to the value of the park, Barb Jim, I'm not an idiot. What's in this for you?

Well, the award.

Barb, I don't know if you noticed or not, but I've kind of hit the bottom of the barrel lately.

This award is exactly what I need to get me back on my feet again, Barb.

Ricky doesn't even need to know.

He's doing his Community Day thing.

We'll just stay clear of him Barb, they're going to be here in 45 minutes.

Please?

Ricky, you're not mad, are ya, that I moved my shed up here to Julian's?

No.

I've always lived by him I just don't want you to think I don't like ya.

That's cool, buddy.

Listen, Corey, Trevor, put the tools down.

I need to talk to you guys. You're working for me today.

Now, I'm not proud of you guys, so don't get the wrong idea.

You still f*ck up a lot. But take this.

It's an advance, okay? Now, blindfold Bubbles.

Nice.

Blindfold me?

Yeah, for all the bullshit we went through while Julian was in jail, alright?

Oh, a surprise?

Yeah, big time.

I f*cking love surprises.

You're gonna freak, Bubbles.

Omigod.

Hey, hi.

Uh, there's your lunch, Richard.

Oh, Bubbles, that looks good, that's great. It works there It's... it's good there.

What's wrong with you?

What? Nothing. No, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Listen, can we, uh, have a quick word?

Pepperoni and tuna, right on Listen, you have been working so hard lately, I want to give you a little reward, alright?

Okay, take the day off. The whole day.

Get drunk, get stoned, you know, muck around with Corey and Trevor.

That's awesome, Barb. Thank you.

Yeah. Good.

Are you gonna stop by Community Day and get drunk with us?

Uh, we'll see. Maybe later. But keep it kinda low-key, huh You ready, buddy?

I'm ready. What is it? I can't wait.

Let's get that f*cking blindfold off, Trevor.

Holy f*ck! A wrestling ring!

Oh, this is awesome, Ricky. Did you build this?

Look at this thing! Real turnbuckles...

Oh, you made banners out of old liquor-store bags Grrrr!

I'm going to get my Green Bastard suit on!

The Green Bastard is Bubbles' wrestling name He f*cking loves wrestling. He takes it really serious He's got this old... Would you shut the f*ck up for a second!

He's got this old green tarp he puts on and everything and he's got some really good moves.

He's been bugging us for a while to get a ring together and have some backyard wrestling match going, I'm just glad now I can make that happen I can't wait to start f*cking hammering people. Rrrr!

Barbara Lahey, I'd like you to meet Mr. Bernie Sandford, International Association of Trailer Park Supervisors.

The IATTPPSATPS, , that's the International Association of Trailer Parks Trailer Park Supervisors and Assistant Trailer Park Supervisors.

Jim Lahey, I've heard a lot about you Thank you. And this is the Assistant Internationa I Trailer Park Supervisor, Carl.

Jason, actually. We met at that conference in Moncton?

Right.

We were drinking.

Don't worry about it, Jim. Good to see ya.

Thanks. Randy must've gotten my records mixed up Mr. Lahey?

Randy.

Uh, every trailer park, as you know, has it's share of troublemakers. Our particular troublemaker is a drunken recidivist idiot called Ricky.

Been in jail eighteen times. He's, uh, cuckoo.

For some reason, he thinks he's Supervisor of the park.

Right, Barb?

Yes, that's right. He does think that.

Hmm. Jason, gin-and-tonic with some hickory sticks.

Right away, sir.

Jim, do you mean to tell me you can't deal with this man Bernie, no one can. It's better just to avoid him.

Trust me on this.

Calm down?! You f*cking calm down!

Who's running this f*cking trailer park?

Uh, it's um, Community Day here at Sunnyvale.

Right. I didn't want to tell you, 'cause I thought you might think I was putting on a show for the award and all.

Ahh!

Ow!

Ow!

Stop it!

Ricky, make them back off!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

What are you doing? Give me the g*n.

That's 12 sh*ts. That was $24, I hope you know that.

Let's go, come on.

Green Bastard, parts unknown.

Nice.

Corey, Trevor, get the f*ck in the ring.

You look good, buddy.

Green Bastard!

Rick, Rick, Rick.

Who in the hell are these guys?

Jefferson, the paint!

I dunno.

What's Lahey doing with them Community Day.

Hmm.

Nice crowd you got gathered here.

I didn't know you were into wrestling, Jim What the f*ck is going on here?

Listen, Ricky. You boys just better cool it You don't know what you're dealing with here today Lahey, f*ck off, okay?

Thanks for f*cking off for a change.

That is a no-f*cking-parking zone, okay?

I want those f*cking cars out of here right now.

Get them the f*ck out of here.

You must be Ricky.

That's correct, Slick. I am Ricky.

I'm the f*cking Trailer Park Supervisor.

Who the f*ck are you suit dummies?

I'm Bernie Sandford, , President of the International Association of Trailer Parks Trailer Park Supervisors and Assistant Trailer Park Supervisors.

Move the f*cking cars, okay? I got wrestling fans showing up here.

I'm baked out of my mind, I don't got time for this sh*t Lahey, I want those f*cking cars out of here now.

Boys, boys. Uh, just one minute.

Julian, could I have a quick word, please?

I have the chance for Sunnyvale to be part of the biggest trailer-park union in the world.

So what does that mean?

Julian, this is huge. Listen, the bank took my house today Just let Jim be Trailer Park Supervisor for the day, okay And keep Ricky out of the way. But don't tell him.

I don't want him to get hurt. That's not what this is about.

You don't want to move the cars? Fine, boys.

Well, I'm just gonna start pissing in this direction and if these cars are illegally parked, they might accidentally get pissed on!

Richard, don't.

Anybody wanna see pissing?

Don't, Richard. RICHARD!

My car!

I f*cking warned them thre times, and they wouldn't listen!

They don't even believe I'm the Trailer Park Supervisor!

I am so very sorry about this.

You're right, Bernie, he's the epitome of refractory.

Tell him, Barb.

Tell him, Julian! I'm the f*cking Supervisor here!

You guys won't believe me! It's bullshit!

I'm sorry.

Jim, let me take this one.

Ricky, you and me, come on.

What the f*ck do you want to talk about?

You'll find out.

What you've just done, pissing on my car, you have crossed a line with me.

I've had guys throw barbeques at me, they've broke the windows out of my car, they've cursed and sworn at me But the bottom line is, I ain't shook, 'cause if the right hook comes out, crazy m*therf*ckers like you get knocked out.

Don't be looking me in the eyes, boy.

I ain't got no candy for you. No candy.

Except for the right hook.
Uh, Mr. President, it's lunchtime.

How about some takeaway?

You want some candy?

Did I ask for candy?, Want to tell the f*cking right hook, Barb that I'm the Supervisor, not Lahey, 'cause I'm a little sick of this sh*t. f*cking lunatic.

Two buckets of chicken, uh, gravy, uh, mashed potatoes, fries, hot buns, macaroni salad, Cole slaw.

Cole slaw, and, uh, swing by A&W and pick up four double-cheeseburgers, loaded Yeah, deliver it to Jim Lahey, Trailer Park Supervisor of the Year, Sunnyvale Trailer Park.

Listen up. Just let him pretend to be Supervisor today That's it. You don't have time anyway Bullshit. I cleaned this f*cking park up.

Ricky, did you forget about the 4,000 plants we got growing?

I'm not cool with this.

Barb's f*cking cool with Jim being Supervisor for the day That's bullshit. f*cking union stuff and candy and right hook Listen, listen. I don't care about that sh*t We gotta come up with some money for that down payment now.

Like today. And sign a f*cking contract.

We can't panic. We gotta think here.

Boys, check it out. We can have people pay to fight us.

We can make a lot of f*cking money.

See, that's what I'm talking about right there, Ricky.

Perfect, Bubbles.

You want to wrastle some people?

I'll f*cking wrestle.

Corey, Trevor. Get over here You two dicks are gonna go door to door and promote the sh*t out of this, alright?

Thirty-five bucks a person to watch me and Bubbles wrestle somebody, okay?

I want to deal with that little prick right now, before we make the presentation, I mean right now!

You're right, Bernie. Let's forget about the food.

Can we at least wait for the cheeseburgers?

Is that all that's on your mind, is a hamburger?

Let's deal with it right now.

Come on!

Ladies and gentlemen!

Mo-fuckers of all ages!

The Green Bastard is here by popular demand!

Are you ready to tumble?

Horatio! You're supposed to f*cking stop when I stop.

Okay, everybody. Before we get on to the main event, we are going to see the long-bodied alien match.

In this corner, in the shitty old corduroy pants with the translucent skin stretched over an alien frame, it's Trevor, the elongated skeleton!

Get your f*cking shirt off, Trevor. Get your shirt off And in this corner, wearing the f*cking same old work pants he has on every time I see him, it's Jacob the twiggy alien man.

Go f*ck yourself, Jacob!

Get your shirt off too, Jacob.

My god, look at them. They're both f*cking aliens.

Okay, boys, I want a clean fight.

I don't want any bullshit and no foreign objects.

Here we go. Let's get it on!

Come on, Jacob! Use your twiggy arms!

Hey, boys. Would one of you guys be Jim Lahey?

I dunno. What the f*ck's going on?

I got some chicken and burgers for the Trailer Park Supervisor.

Is it paid for?

Yes, it is.

Well, I'm Jim Lahey, Trailer Park Supervisor.

How you doing? Right f*cking on, I'm starving We're f*cking pigging out!

No, we're not, Ricky.

We're setting up a booth and selling this now. Here Just be cool and follow my lead.

Hey, Ricky.

You remember the right hook?

We can do this the easy way or the hard way, where this group of fine supervisors forcefully remove you or you get your ass knocked out.

Ass knocked out?

Are you guys f*cked in the head?

This is my f*cking park. I'm the Trailer Park Supervisor.

So why don't you dicks f*ck off and let me raise money for the community here.

For Sunnyvale.

Hey, maybe you could learn to spell for the community, Ricky Oh, yeah, Lahey?

You notice any spelling mistakes on that sign? Huh?

Yeah, Bubbles. The "R" in "Supervisor" is missing Huh? Aw, for f*ck's sakes.

Ricky, didn't you and Bubbles already pay your 35 bucks to wrestle the Trailer Park Supervisors Yeah. Yeah, we did. We paid 35 bucks.

I've been waiting to fight you all day.

Me and Ricky tag team against you and Randy.

That is what the sign says, isn't it, Jim?

Wrestle the supervisor for 35 bucks and apparently you're the supervisor.

I'm not going to wrestle anybody.

Mr. Lahey, come here.

What are you, afraid?

Excuse me for a second, boys Oh, fraidy cat! Fraidy cat ! Lahey's a fraidy cat.

Mr. Lahey, you said that you didn't know how, but today's the day that Ricky's going down. This is how.

f*ck!

Mr. Lahey, have some faith in me. We can do this. We can win for the park.

Randy, if we wrestle them, we have to win.

They stole my f*cking cheeseburgers.

Trade ya a bite of my chicken for a bite of your burger.

Ricky, Barb.

What the f*ck do you want now?, Okay, here's the deal. Randy and I will wrestle you but when we win, you resign and I become Trailer Park Supervisor.

Barb, why are we getting f*cked around with this sh*t Will you trust me on this? I'll explain it all later, okay?

Fine, Lahey, we'll fight ya.

YES!

But when we win, and we will, you have to tell all these people, and especially those supervisor dicks, who the real Supervisor of Sunnyvale is, alright?

And who the real Assistant Supervisor is, too And when we win, we're gonna be Supervisors of the Year That's right.

Come on now, boys, what's it gonna be?

Am I gonna referee a fight, or what?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you cool with this sh*t or what?

I haven't got any choice. Alright, you guys, I want a fair, clean fight Deal?

Rrrr!

Deal.

Alright, tag-team wrestling match!

Me and Randy against Ricky and-

Green Bastard, from parts unknown.

My god, Randy looks like the hulk!

Go, Randy! Go, get him! Yeah! Randy!

He knocked out the referee Give it to him!

Yeah, Randy!

Take him down, Randy!

Foreign object!

Foreign object!

Two on one, two on one!

Ricky, Green Bastard, you are both dis-f*cking-qualified!

What are you talking about? This is bullshit!

Congratulations, Jim. Well done!

Thanks.

Jason, picture.

We've got the cover for this month's newsletter.

Thank you. Barb, put this somewhere safe, will ya?

My f*cking head is k*lling me. Is it bleeding, Bubbles?

Let me have a look.

Oh, look, it's shaped just like a door winder.

Come on, boys, show some sportsmanship and shake Jim's hand.

I'm not shaking his f*cking hand.

You're both nothing but born losers.

Go f*ck yourself. He cheated.

Ricky, come here.

f*ck the Trailer Park Supervisor job.

This is for the best anyway.

Julian!

Trust me. This is a good thing, Ricky., Look, I know right now I'm supposed to swallow my prize but I'm f*cking pissed off, man. They cheated. That's bullshit.

They did cheat, but all they really got was that f*cking stupid-looking trophy.

f*ck the Trailer Park Supervisor thing, Ricky.

Now we can concentrate on growing the dope.

Yeah, man.

I'm not f*cking happy, boys.

I'm not either. I don't like getting b*at by cheaters.

Cheaty, cheater-tons.

Congratulations, Jim.

You are our Trailer Park Supervisor of the Year.

Thanks, Bernie.

f*ck! And I would like to say that Sunnyvale Trailer Park is strongly being considered for membership in our union.

And when that happens, I will be working side by side with Jim.

Would you mind if we got a picture of you in front of your, um... new car?

New car?!

Well, it's a 1991 Caddie, but she runs like a dream.

That's it, I've f*cking had it!

Are you f*cking kidding me, a new car?

Calm down, Ricky.

Hey, alchie! Get Raveen under control.

What the f*ck did you just call me?

And me? Ricky, I give you permission to do whatever you want to do to get these dicks out of the park.

Thanks, Julian. You f*cking idiots, think a union is coming in this f*cking trailer park just remember I'm gonna always be here.

I'm never leaving Sunnyvale. Now that I'm not Supervisor, I don't give a f*ck about anything.

Jesus H. Christ!

I have to work back shift tonight!

Oh, sh*t!

My car!

I am so sorry! I apologize This has not happened since...

Oh, I think Jim has a bit of work to do here before your park can be considered applicable for membership in our union. Why don't you give us a call when you get things back in order.

Jason, cab!

Walter, move it.

Ha-ha-ha! Whoo!

f*ck, Ricky, that was awesome!

That was f*cking awesome!

What you think of that, Lahey?

Wipe the smirk off your face, Rick, 'cause you're a loser.

No, I'm not.

Yeah, you are.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

f*ck off.

Boys!

Ha-ha.

Come on, Randy.

Where you going?

To my trailer.

The Supervisor's trailer, Ricky.

Jim!

f*ck!

Home sweet home, Randy.

Jim, sit down.

I need to speak to you.

Barb, what are you doing here?

Look, I'm sorry. I know you're all excited about being Trailer Park Supervisor again, but this trailer is not part of the deal.

I'm moving in here.

What?!

I've got to live somewhere. Sunnyvale is in so much debt that the bank is repossessing... Randy, move back, please.

Randy, stay where you are.

Randy, move back!

The bank has repossessed the house.

And until I sell the park, I've got nowhere to live, so I'm moving in here. Now, don't worry.

I won't leave you and your little friend out in the cold.

I've taken the tent trailer and put it down on your lot.

You can live down there.

And in the meantime, there's lots to do.

There must be 200 back rents owing.

You guys can get busy and go out and collect those Supervise your little hearts out.

Did you guys see that f*cking car? It was beautiful.

It should've been mine.

I would've lived in that car for the rest of my life.

Oh, it was nice.

Yeah, that sucks, man.

But just think, Lahey's going to be busy all the time now.

I just can't wait to buy this trailer park and fire those two f*cking idiots.

The old tent trailer. Barb sure was generous, Randy.

We're moving up in the world, boy.

Congratulations, Mr. Lahey. You did it.

We did it, Randy.

Let's head to the LC, bud.

We earned it!

Corey Brighthead! He gets him set up for the clothesline!

Oh...

Omigod, f*cking devastating!

You alright, Corey? I don't give a f*ck, actually.

Get in here, Trevor. Come on.

No, Bubbles, I'm going home.

Ah, come on, boys. Boys!
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