05x08 - Dressed All Over & Zesty Mordant

What's the number on that cart, Bubs?

Huh?

The number on the cart.

What's the number?

There's no number on this one yet.

Well, I knew it was only a matter of time before my cart business and Ricky and Julian's dope business collided, so the day's here finally.

Basically the hardest part about dealing dope is transport.

I mean, I learned that back in Grade 9.

And Julian's got this plan we're gonna ship it around the province in shopping-cart handles, which is great, 'cause you got a shopping cart that looks perfectly normal, but inside the handle, it's full of hash.

And it does help get rid of that hash, which I don't like lying around here, with Lahey f*cking wandering around, drinking f*cking huge bottles of liquor.

Pictou Vocational School, they need hash., Cobequid Vocational School, Shelburne, Port Hawkesbury f*cking Digby, Yarmouth. Everybody wants f*cking hash So we're gonna sell this whole driveway probably in two days. It's awesome.

(music)

Ricky, I need my cart hammer back.

Do you want Trinity driving around the park with no brakes I'm just changing the brake hose for Trinity I don't want her driving around the park in an unsafe car.

When we sell the hash, I'm gonna give her this car.

How many fathers can give their 9-year-old daughter a car?

I'm just happy I'm in a position I can do something like that Ricky, do you really think it's a good idea to be letting Trinity drive around in your car?

Come on, man, I need your help over here, buddy Julian, let me tell you a little story about something my dad taught me, okay?

Ricky, no offence, but your dad taught ya.

Your dad's kind of a drunk, chronic VLT gambler, put in jail for defrauding the government, you know. Well, he's also one of the best f*cking fathers a person could've had. We'll be bailing him out of jail later on today when we sell the hash., Anyway, I know you guys think you're smarter than me and who f*cking knows, maybe you are.

But one thing I know is when you're growing up, , you gotta f*cking do illegal sh1t once in a while have a bit of fun and maturinate into a better person.

If you go to jail, you learn a f*cking lesson and you don't go to jail after that.

You know, your thoughts might be better than mine, but I have thoughts going around in my head too about different thinkings and brain things that you can use, and doing different things and I think I know what's best for my daughter, so f*ck off and let me fix the brakes for my daughter and then I'll help you with the hash.

You guys don't always know what's best, so my thoughts have feelings of their own too sometimes Ricky, what are you talking about I dunno, Bubbles.

I dunno.

We got like seven handles here.

I said 200, Bubs. We need 200 handles.

(Bubbles sighing)

Julian, 200 handles is 200 carts.

That's a lot of f*cking carts. I don't know.

I don't know if I can do it. It's a lot of work.

No, no, no. What do you mean? Who's the king of the carts?

Huh?

I am.

So I just have to go get the carts.

The way I always do.

No pressure and no f*cking touching hash Bubs, the beauty of this plan, you don't gotta touch the hash You just gotta collect the carts, man. That's it.

Careful with it, boys!

Good luck, buddy. Going to school. See you soon.

Alright, time to get somee f*cking shopping carts going That's my specialty. Ricky and Julian probably could've helped me if we need that many f*cking carts, but I guess I'm better at it than anybody.

So this is where I go to get most of them.

This is a f*cking goldmine down here.

This is one of the spots I've been coming for years It's usually just littered with dirty old f*cking carts Holy f*ck! Get down! Get the f*ck down!

That's Gary, the head mall cop If he sees me, I'm f*cked.

We're gonna have to wait this one out, boys.

Bubbles! Bubbles!

Ah, f*ck.

Come on out of there!

Bubbles, I know you're in there! I can see your cart!

It's right here, man!

f*ck!

Gary, I'm just having a... just having a pee down here., Bubbles, get up here. You take my shopping carts I take your go-cart. Get here now!

I'm not taking your shopping carts. I was having a pee.

I didn't want anyone to see my bird.

What's with the carts, Bubbles?

I brought those carts with me. They're from another mall, Gary.

Another mall?, You're not the one who gets the calls from head office night and day, asking about stolen shopping carts.

You're not the one who waits to go to a Chris de Burgh concert for three-and-a-half years so I can go in and miss the encore, Don't Pay the Ferryman, because I'm on the phone in the foyer talking about stolen shopping carts!

I'm the one who gets those calls Bubbles, not you Me. And you know what? I don't wanna get those calls anymore.

Well, why don't you f*cking turn your cellphone off, Gary?

Don't f*ck with me, Bubbles.

sh1t. f*ck!

It's not on, Gary.

Well, turn it on!

Start the f*cking thing! I got all this pressure on me to get all these f*cking carts and I come down to the mall and Gary's f*cking all over me (snivelling)

I misjudged their perseverance, I guess.

It's a simple mathematic equation, Rand.

Julian wants this trailer desperately, so if I keep upping the price, he'll do whatever it takes.. to get the money.

That sexy fucker's smart, Randy.

Parading around in his f*cking tight little f*cking T-shirt But we're smarter.

You know what we're gonna do, Rand?

When we get Julian behind bars... we're gonna drink this whole f*cking bottle.

And then...

Mr. Lahey, after everyone's gone back to jail, we're gonna stop drinking, right?

Absolutely, Rand.

You promised, Mr. Lahey.

Randy! Shhh.

Do you hear that?

What?

What were you saying?

I can't say anything.

You keep saying Randy.

Randy!

How much you want?

What's your locker number?

And the combination.

Why does Daddy always smell like garbage?

Well, your dad smells like garbage because he has a job picking up garbage.

Remember Mr. Lahey told us that?

God, Lahey's stressing me out.

I really need to get drunk tonight.

Speaking of which, I think it's a good idea for us to go to bingo, have a couple of drinks and let off some steam.

When I drink with Sarah now, I know when to cut it off.

The only problem is sometimes Lucy starts drinking a bit faster than me and I can't keep up and then she gets way too drunk.

I... I drank a little bit when I was in high school, but I'm totally over that now and I never, ever get hammered It's... it's a waste of a day.

It's gonna be awesome. You totally deserve it.

I totally deserve it.

Here's a couple shots to get you started. Glad you guys are here.

You'll look after Trin tonight.

Uh, no, can't., We're working for Julian. Sorry. We wanna hang out with you but we can't.

It kind of pissed me off when Corey and Trevor said they wouldn't look after her, I told them they were going to but it's much better for them to be working for Julian, learning some important skills, than hanging around with Ricky I did over two grand today at school, which is awesome.

I decided I'm gonna be in charge of the f*cking money.

My brain's been working good, so f*ck Julian.

It's my money now.

Oh, for fucksake. f*cking spot check.

I had open liquor. That's always nice., f*ck this sh1t. I got no insurance or anything anyway I may as well just get the f*ck out of here.

Anyway, I bought a bunch of booze so I can get drunk, some smokes. I'm gonna go bail the old man out of jail I plan on still being f*cking drunk Nice try, boys. f*cking idiots They shouldn't be able to pull you over like that f*cking cops and their spot-check bullshit.

Where's the rest of the carts, man?

(brakes squealing)

I crashed!

You're okay, man.

Julian, I hid in the bushes for 40 f*cking minutes with pine needles pricking me on the bird and that's all I could get.

Who were you hiding from Gary, the f*cking mall guy. He was on me like sh1t to a blanket.

f*ck Gary!

Hey, boys. We are gonna get f*cking wasted tonight Grab a bottle, boys, let's start drinking.

Smoke some SPJs, hash.

Where'd you get all the liquor, man?

Sold some hash, buddy, spent some cash.

We're gonna have lots. Who cares? Here, grab a bottle How are we supposed to get your dad out if you keep spending money? Huh?

Julian, there's a whole driveway full of hash there, we're gonna have lots of money.

We don't have the money yet.

Go start cutting up the driveway.

We're gonna start shipping that stuff out tonight.

Where's the rest of the money?

I got a little bit here and, uh, the rest's in the trunk.

Okay, leave it in the trunk, put the hash in the trunk.

We're going to use it as a safe, alright?

Listen, you go back to the mall, okay?

There's gonna be some carts there for ya.

What do you mean?

I'm gonna take care of it, okay?

Holy f*ck. What a crash.

I could've been killed!

You guys must think you're pretty tough, eh?

Picking on my friend Bubbles?

I-I-I was just doing my job!

Oh, what do you think he was doing?

How do you think he makes a living?

How do you think he feeds his cats?

I don't know! Take your finger off the trigger! Please -

Shhh, shhh, shhh, shhhhhhh Listen, alright, this is what I want you to do., - Okay, I'm listening.

You take all those carts, you throw them over the bank alright?

Absolutely.

That's all I want you to do. Okay?

You're not gonna call the cops, are you?

No.

What the f*ck is he doing with that driveway?

Looks like he's repaving it, Mr. Lahey.

I told him it looked like sh1t.

What a job.

Four-thirty in the afternoon, he's drunk already.

Should be quite a night, Randy We're already drunk too.

Randy!

Oh-ho! First try!

Rick Ricky! Hey.

Hey, Luce.

Ah, listen, will you take care of Trin Sarah and I wanna go to bingo and get a couple of drinks I was gonna have some drinks too, but, yeah, I'll wait till later, I guess.

I wanna get drunk later. Do you wanna get drunk with me Yeah, okay, I'll do that If you're getting drunk later, who's gonna take care of this kid here?

I got 60 bucks for to say maybe you'll look after her.

For to say?

Yeah. I got 60 dollars for to say that you'll babysit her.

Okay, 80 bucks for to says I'll do it.

Eighty bucks?

Yup.

Fine. Okay.

Actually, Lucy, here's some money for you.

Have some drinks, but don't get too drunk, alright I don't want you to pass out or whatever.

I wanna see you later.

Well, if I pass out, I won't be any use to anyone, right? So...

That's what I'm saying. Don't pass out.

Just have like five, six drinks or whatever.

I never do that. It'll be fine.

Can I have some money for school supplies?

Sure.

You know, Ricky, I think it's really cool that you're spending time with your daughter.

Thanks, Sarah.

Be good and be careful.

Yeah, bye.

Well, we're gonna do some bodywork to the car, try and get it inspected?

Sure.

Daddy used to steal inspection stickers, but then, I kinda went to court one time and almost went to jail, so now it's just easier to do the bodywork.

So we gotta fill holes. This bit of rust here is fine, but see where there's a hole right there Yeah.

We gotta fill that.

Nice. Where'd you get all the carts?

I don't know what Julian did down there, Ricky, but it's a goldmine down at the mall.

You're here at the front.

Looks like a bunch of drunks playing with shopping carts, Mr. Lahey.

sh1t flowers, Randy. Maybe they're turned a new leaf, ever since they saw how you took care of Ray and J Roc., From a distance they look like ordinary flowers, Randy but when you get right down and stick your nose in them, you realize they're sh1t flowerse and there's a whole f*cking bouquet ther right in front of Ray's trailer.

We're out, Mr. Lahey.

Randy!?

Shhh!

Rand.

Ricky, I need more hash logs Hey, what's popping, Kermit?

Wanna see if we can get the car to go to the store?

Ricky, I don't wanna be Mr. Complainy, but I don't like having all that hash in my shed., Well, Bubs, the faster we get this in the handles the faster it gets out of here I'll roll up another hash log, then, for fucksakes.

Dad? Dad?

Not back here, sweetie.

Not back here.

Can I roll with Kermit down to the store?

Can I take the car?

Uh, no, you can't. But what you can do is go down to the edge of the trailer park and park it. Get out, lock the doors, go to the store, get what you need.

Actually, get me a couple bags of chips.

Dressed All Over and Zesty Mordant.

Then just come back here after that when you're done.

Put your seatbelts on. Don't leave the park, alright?

Okay.

When you're a kid, doing stuff that's illegal is a lot more fun than doing stuff that's legal, so I let her take the car. She's only driving around the park. No big deal. I told her to put her seatbelt I don't see the problem.

Lucy might have a problem, but she's at bingo.

What Lucy doesn't know won't learn her.

What's up, dude?

Hey, boys.

Alright, listen up.

This is Sunnyvale right here, okay?

You've got to drive the carts to the Pictou shopping mall, , which is right there. Drop the carts off in the parking lot Buddy'll pick them up later. Can you do that?

I dunno if Julian told you, but he told me that things go a lot smoother when he's working with us than when he's working with Ricky, so that's like a really high compliment coming from him What the f*ck are you looking at, Trevor?!

What's up, Ricky?

Suck my cock, Trevor!

How about that, you skinny little f*cking weasel!

Ricky. You're not even supposed to be talking to me! Get away from me!

Trevor, Trevor, that's enough. Ricky, that's enough.

I'm not afraid of Ricky. I dunno about you.

Yeah, well, uh, we let him come close to us.

Like, we waive the peace bond all the time and we let him within 10 feet of us.

I think he knows that's pretty cool of us, too.

I'm pretty sure he might be even intimidated a little bit by us Yeah, he's afraid.

What if we drove down Midnight Pass Road?

No, man. If we go up this way, we stop at Mimar's Arcade.e What the f*ck? Does one of you idiots mind tellingm why there's only 10 f*cking carts left in that truck instead of 20?

Yeah, we had to move 10 off.

Oh, you moved 10 off. D'you hear that, Julian?

Precious little Corey and Trevor f*cked up and took 10 carts off the goddamn load.

Your order's for 10 carts. Rick. You f*cked up.

What the f*ck are you looking at, Trevor You f*cked up, Ricky. You know what else?

You're wearing the same dirty clothes since you got out of jail. You f*cked up, man.

What did you just say to me?

Uh-oh.

Knock-knock, Trevor.

I'm not gonna say "Who's there," man.

You just did, you f*cking idiot.

Rick! Ricky!

Those are my new pants!

What are you doing, man? !

Ricky!

Boys, boys! We're supposed to be working like a team here, You wanna be on a winning team that makes a shitload of money or do you wanna be on a losing team that goes to jail, huh?

Apologize to him.

I'm not apologizing to him Corey, move. Apologize to him.

Sorry I ripped your pants off, Trevor.

It's alright, Ricky. sh1t happens, man.

Do you want your pocket back Trevor, here's some gas money.

You guys can leave now. Corey, get over here. Gas money.

And here's 20 for a new pair of pants.

Thanks a lot, Julian.

Alright, no speeding.

Put on your seatbelts. Don't f*ck around.

See you later, Ricky.

Do a good job, boys.

Ricky, you ripped his f*cking pants right off.

I don't know what happened I'm just so stressed out lately.

I f*cked up. He was f*cking standing up to me, though.

He better watch himself, or he's gonna lose a f*cking friend, I'll tell you that Ah! The cops! The cops!

Kermit, get in the back, get the bottles! Hurry up!

Are you Trinity? Get out of that car right now.

(dog barking)

There they are, Randy.

Hello, gentlemen! Hey, Jules.

Having a little drinkee-poo? Tasty isn't it?

Couple of drinks on a hot day.

We're just here to do the lot water tests, boys.

Randy. We're just here to do lot water tests, boys.

It'll just take a sec.

Lahey, I live in a tent.

I have a shed, Lahey. I don't have water.

Listen here, Captain Drunkity - Cock, none of us have water, so we don't need any of this crap.

Ricky! Destruction of property, Rick.

Barb says we got full authority to do tests Randy, you're right. Sorry. You do have full authority To f*ck right off and f*ck off good, okay?

And you can f*ck off too, Mr. Lahey.

How about the pants come off, Rick?

And I kick the sh1t out of you.

Take 'em off, Randy.

It's gonna happen. They're coming off.

Come on, I've been wanting to fight you for a while.

Give me a little whack. Come on, Ricky, give me a little whack! Come on, Ricky, give me a little whack!

Watch out, Ricky, his pants are off!

I don't care!

His pants are off!

Come on, Ricky, come on, give me a little crack.

This is between me and Lahey, Rancy!

(shouting) I'm gonna f*cking -

Crank him, Ricky, f*cking give him one!

He deserves it!

Ah!

f*cking stay out of this, Randy.

Rick, see your coat, Ricky?! Well, how do you like that?!

Come on, Ricky!

Give it to him!

Just once, Ricky!

Don't do it, Rick!

Ricky! Come here.

Jeez, Lucy, are you alright?

She's loaded!

What's going on?

Trin was just arrested.

What?! Where is she?

(voices on police radio)

What the hell is this sh1t? Huh?

Trin, what are you doing in there?

Omigod!

Easy, Rick. Take it easy You take it easy, you dick. That's my daughter.

If Trinity was drinking and driving, I mean, that'd be a big deal. But she wasn't.

She hadmyopen liquor in the car, going to the store to get her dad chips. What's the problem with that She shouldn't be taken downtown for that sh1t.

The car didn't do nothing wrong. Why are you towing that away You got no inspection, it's not registered.

Driven by a minor while in possession of alcohol That means impound, Rick, that's the law.

Well, can I at least get my stuff out of there first?

Why, d'you forget something, Ricky, like your daughter maybe?

That's very funny, Sarah.

I don't think so, Rick.

Trinity, Daddy's gonna take care of this, alright Ted, can I talk to you for a sec?

Don't tell them your name, where you live, none of that, We're both adults and I was thinking, you know maybe you and I could find a way that we could possibly pull it together.g Maybe we could work out charging you for attemptin to bribe a police officer with sexual favours.

We could work that out.

Geez -

Randy. Guess not, eh?

We're cool. Come on, Lucy.

I think Lucy behaved completely appropriately for what was going on. Um, she got a little upset I think any good mother would get a little bit upset when her daughter's being arrested.

(all shouting)

My big concern is there's 12 pounds of hash in the trunk and a bunch of our money. And I have no idea how we're gonna get that out of impound.

I guess we'll figure it out.

But I'm a f*cking great dad. I'm gonna teach her some stuff I think her getting taken away by the cops is good for her.

She'll learn from that. Probably be a better kid.

Worked for me. I turned out great.

f*ck off, George!

Boys, am I the only one freaking out here?

We're goin to jail forever. The hash is in the car, Julian Bubs, Bubs, Bubs, we're not going to jail, alright?

If the cops were gonna search the car, they would've been here hours ago.

We just gotta get that car out of impound.

(knocking)

Oh, that's probably them now Come in.

What's up, dude? We done everything.

Went perfectly, Julian. We never f*cked up once, man Where's the new pants?

Uh, I spent the money at the food court.

Here, Ricky, this is for you 'cause I f*cked up earlier, man.

You did f*ck up, Trevor, but thanks.

So maybe we'll hang out later?

You guys want anything down at the store?

Pop or chips or anything?

Boys, did you not notice e There was a big awkward silenc when you said bye the first time.

And now you're doing basically the same thing and it's just gonna happen again.

See how this is working? Just go, boys.

Alright, so we'll see you later, then, dude.

Boys, just, when the cops get here, tell them I won't resist I'll just be in my shed hyperventilating.

Look, Rick, Rick, I know your family's in jail and your car's impounded and everything looks shitty right now, but you gotta stay focused, man, keep that stick on the ice, alright?

Things are gonna turn around, bud.

(music)