01x04 - Episode 4

♪ Brand-new dandy ♪
♪ First class scene stealer ♪
♪ Walks through the crowd and takes your man ♪
♪ Sends you rushing to the mirror ♪
♪ Brush your eyebrows and say ♪
♪ There's more beauty in you than anyone ♪
♪ She'll take the worry from your head ♪
♪ But then again ♪
♪ She put trouble in your heart instead ♪
♪ Then you'll fall ♪
♪ Down to the ground, down to the ground. ♪

I want you to imagine you've got a balloon here.

Right.

And when you breathe in, you're going to try and inflate it.

What, like this?

And out through the mouth.

Yeah.

That's it. Calm.

Yeah. Ooh, I am calm, you know.

I'm well bloody calm, yeah.

Breathe in... and out.

(RAY EXHALES) That's incredible!

Keep breathing. Keep breathing.

Yeah, I am. Yeah.

Out.

Oh, I'm so bloody calm!

Don't talk, Ray.

No, I won't, I'll shut up.

Yeah, that's calm. I'm so well bloody calm.

Ho-ho-ho! Incredible, yeah?!

We can carry on with the breathing exercises next time.

I mean, the energy there was extraordinary, it was, like...

Was it t'ai chi or something?

Because I've seen Enter The Dragon 32 times.

I am a black belt, third dan.

And just in case that ain't enough, I've got this as backup!

Ha! Because the Barbarians are at the gates of Rome.

I don't feel happy about that. Is it loaded?

Course it ain't loaded. And it's perfectly legal.

But they're out there and they're coming.

And when they do, I am going to be ready.

I think we need to review your medication.

And I will be taking a few of them out with me, don't worry about that.

Although ideally, I'd like to go out like Entwistle.

Who?

That's right, Who bassist, John Entwistle.

He died in Room 658 at the Hard Rock Hotel, Las Vegas when he was 58.

Still tooting, still whoring.

Rock and roll!

I got a mate, yeah? Ronald the Roadie.

Dutch guy. Proper road rat.

He's 62 years old, he ain't been home since he was 28!

He's a real character. He won't eat nothing orange.

Orange Smarties, carrots, baked beans probably, butternut squash.

Which is ironic, given that he's Dutch. What with William of Orange.

Anyway, he still has it large almost every day.

He goes, "I am needing the tooting for the whoring, tooting for the whoring, the tooting for the whoring."

But you know what, life on the road, that's not great for families.

I didn't see a lot of my daughter. We haven't got a great relationship.

She called me the other day. First time in two years.

And it was lovely. I was really thrilled to speak to her.

Then she said something, I said something, I can't remember what.

I got angry and I called her an ungrateful little bitch.

I know I shouldn't have done that.

I won't hear from her for a few years.

I get angry with her for no reason at all and she doesn't deserve it.

Why don't you call her back and say sorry?

(Ray laughs)

Yeah.

Yeah. That's a good question. Why don't I?

Music: I Can't Explain by The Who Don? Don?

Don?! Don?!

Don?! Don?! Look, shut up, Don!

I'm trying to move on, like you said, but how can I with you pestering me every five minutes?

It's not me you should be phoning, you should be phoning the girls.

Look, calm down.

Take a deep breath. Breathe!

Hold your breath until you're blue in the face, then, for all I care!

Don, calm down, calm down. Look, we've been here before.

Go and see your GP.

Everything will be fine. Everything will be fine!

All right, calm down. Don?

Don?!

Don, are you there?!

Oh, you w*nk*r!

Hello, Jack.

This must look a bit daft, I suppose.

Well, I've seen dafter things. How long have you been there?

Couple of hours.

And do you know how, or why you got there?

I don't know why, but I know how.

See, I come out to do some digging for me dad.

Because it ain't so easy with his bad back and his knees.

And I started digging and then I just carried on.

It seemed like a nice thing to do.

Right.

And in the Army, you see, we dig in. Foxholes.

Animals live in holes, don't they?

Meerkats. Moles.

It is time for our session, Jack.

Rabbits. Can we do it out here?

Well, I'd rather do it indoors.

(Badgers!)

I was hoping to carry on with the EMDR.

Oh, what, the finger wagging?

Well, you could call it that.

I thought we started to make progress last week.

Helping you find a safe place.

Gerbils.

Now, they're always burrowing.

You know, I don't think we can do the EMDR with you in this hole, Jack.

But I would like to continue with it in our next session when we're indoors.

Yeah, OK.

I don't know how long I'm going to be in here for, but...

I should be out by next week.

You can't stay in here all night. Or maybe you can!

Yeah, maybe.

I got pork chops for tea.

I will fill it in, though, at some point.

Plant it, like me dad wants to.

I've got an allotment. I grow vegetables and all sorts.

I find that helpful. It's ever so peaceful there.

Oh, no, no, my dad would not want vegetables in here.

He likes flowers.

And me mum.

Mm! Isn't that sun lovely?

Shouldn't she be getting him out of that hole?

Did you know that when I was young, I was taught that s*x was the filthiest, dirtiest thing imaginable?

And that you should save it for someone you love.

(Nurse chuckles)

Very good, Herbert. Are you a Catholic, then?

Oh, I was indeed, though I lapsed a long time ago.

But I shall be forever grateful to the Church.

The sense of guilt, shame and remorse it engenders means that s*x is never anything less than exciting.

(Nurse chuckles)

Perhaps I talk too much about this kind of thing.

You can talk all you like.

I'll soon let you know when you're being inappropriate.

OK, I'm sorry, this hurts a bit.

Depixol, 20mg.

(Ooh!)

Nearly done.

That's it. Put your bum away, then.

Bloody pain!

When you get to my age, there's always some pain somewhere.

"Ooh, my elbow," or, "Ooh, my knee."

And just when you think it's gone, up it pops somewhere else.

Ooh, my back!

Ah!

It's actually rather like war in the Middle East.

Just when we think we've stamped it out in Libya or Algeria, up it pops again in Syria, or poor old bloody Iraq.

Sorry, Herbert, I didn't catch that.

Oh, you missed a rather wonderful analogy, that I might not be able to recreate.

What was it, then?

War in the Middle East being like bodily pain?

I've said it before, haven't I?

You did say it last week.

We're really rather like an old married couple, aren't we?

We're bored with each other's anecdotes and we're not having s*x.

You know, you could argue that the human libido is the only universal subject.

"Of Man's first disobedience, and the fruit of that forbidden tree, whose mortal taste bought death into the world and all our woe."

That sounds familiar.

Milton. Paradise Lost.

Apparently, he was riddled with syphilis at the time.

Blindness and apocalyptic visions being symptoms of that disease.

It's such a shame, isn't it? Cos if he was here now, it could be cured so easily.

B... but is it such a shame?

You could argue that penicillin has robbed us of real creative genius and left us with the likes of Damien Hirst and Tracey Emin.

Though, judging by her tent, she's a prime candidate for syphilis.

They're very popular with a lot of people.

Popular? What's that got to do with anything?

Bloody Formula One's popular.

Did...

Did I say that, or was it you?

You were saying that you didn't like Formula One racing.

Does anyone, really?

Before you go... would you come to bed with me?

Now, that's not a service that I provide.

No.

I've got another five service users to see today.

Yes.

If I started doing that sort of thing, I'd never get anything done, would I?

Quite.

All right, love.

Bye.

(Door closes)

(Phones ring)

You know the British Bake Off.

What is all that about?

Baking.

No, I know it's about baking.

I mean, why do people watch it?

People like baking.

They don't, do they?

I do.

Really?

You love my pies.

Well, yeah, but I don't want to watch you baking 'em, miss.

"Miss"!

I meant "Nurse". I just...

"Miss"!

Shut up!

I just... sometimes, I see you as kinda like a teacher...

(HE LAUGHS) "Miss"!

Forget it.

I've got a problem with one of my new service users, but you've got to keep it confidential, yeah?

It's about domestic violence.

Oh, God, I hate domestics. Sorry, go on.

Well, the victim doesn't want to report it but the neighbour's seen it happen.

Right, well, it's not going to get any better unless it's challenged. In our experience... it always gets worse. And we're not in the Dark Ages any more.

Some of us. These days, we take domestics seriously.

Right? So what she needs to do is just log a complaint.

Couples are funny, though, aren't they?

You never really know what's going on behind the scenes.

The real problem I've got is that the one committing the violence is my new service user.

Do you want me to nick him?

No.

Well, why you telling us, then?

No, no, listen, we need to stop it there, actually.

This conversation never happened, yeah?

Right, yeah. Apart from the pie.

I'm really enjoying it.

Good. What's your favourite pie?

Steak and ale.

Mmm. King of pies, ain't it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I put a lamb chop in it sometimes.

Whole lamb chop?

I do, yeah.

What about the bone?

Oh, and the bone, that gives it a richness.

Sounds fantastic. Will you bring one in?

Yeah, and black pudding goes well in it.

See, this is why Northerners should stay North.

"Miss"!

(Doorbell rings)

Yes?

Are you Bernie?

Yes.

I'm Liz, the new Community Mental Health Nurse.

I thought it was you.

Come on, inside, love.

Bernie, you've got nothing to worry about.

There's going to be complete continuity of care and obviously I know all about your medication and your "episodes", as Mary told me you call them.

I had one the other day.

In Sainsbury's.

I took all my clothes off in the ethnic food aisle.

Showed everyone that.

Well, Mary's left me your case notes.

I'm so pleased for her.

She's been trying for a baby for years.

Here you go, ladies. Nice cup of tea.

I never wanted kids, did we, Ted?

That cup's dirty. Lipstick on it.

Not my bloody lipstick, is it?

Muttering, Ted?

Yep.

Keep on.

Music on radio: Valerie by Amy Winehouse

♪ And I miss your ginger hair ♪
♪ And the way you like to dress ♪
♪ Won't you come on over... ♪

Don! What are you doing here?

I need you, Liz.

I want to come home. I love you.

I can get myself sorted. I've finished with all the gambling.

No, no, no, no!

Just tell me what I have to do to win you back, Liz.

I've got me bloody finger caught in the window, Liz.

I'm really, really sorry. I love the girls.

Don!

It's over. You haven't even been to see the girls!

Just go and get yourself sorted out.

Get to bloody w*nk*rs Anonymous or whatever it's called!

Music: Move It On Over by Hank Williams

♪ Came in last night at half past ten ♪
♪ That baby of mine wouldn't let me in ♪
♪ So move it on over ♪
♪ Move it on over ♪
♪ Move it on over ♪
♪ Move it on over ♪
♪ Move over, good dog ♪
♪ Cos a mad dog's movin' in... .♪


Now, I want you to start this session with a positive self-statement.

Oh, like we've done before.

Er... I reckon I'd do all right on MasterChef.

That's good, but I think you could be more positive. Finish this sentence.

"I am... "

A better cook than them pricks on MasterChef.

Very good! That's more positive than I was expecting.

Would you like to be on that show, Billy?

Dunno, I'd probably end up chinning the bald one.

Nah, my favourite show's Top Gear, you know?

I'd love to go on that.

They're the luckiest blokes on this planet, in't they?

Clarkson, May and Hammond.

I'm not saying they don't deserve it, cos they know their stuff, but they are lucky.

I mean, I hope they know how lucky they are.

I do love that programme, it's probably my favourite show, cos, like, there's a lot of rubbish on the telly, in't there?

A lot of blokes like that show.

Some women like it... my daughter loves it.

Well, she likes Richard Hammond, but she doesn't like the other two.

I mean, Clarkson, he's even driven, like, a Bugatti Veyron.

That is, like, the fastest road car ever made.

0-60 in two and a half seconds.

I mean, I hope they know how lucky they are.

Mind you, cars like that ain't the future.

It's all about economy and the environment, electric cars and hybrids.

I'd love to do what they do on Top Gear.

I bet they ain't got a clue how lucky they are.

They are lucky, yeah.

Maybe they have, but I doubt it, cos I'd love to do what they do.

I mean, they don't know how lucky they are.

Well, maybe they do.

I'd love to do that.

Drive a McLaren F1 or something like that.

Do you think they know how lucky they are?

I mean, I hope they do, cos I'd hate to think they're doing their job and taking it for granted.

I tell you what, right... if they don't know how lucky they are, they need a slap.

I don't think we should worry about that.

Look, who's this? Tell me about this.

Oh, that's Hank Williams, innit?

There you are, here's Hank, on me arm.

He's like the father of modern country music, Hank.

When I put that back, I file it under "W", cos I file under surnames, yeah?

Hank had, like, a definite philosophy with music.

"Keep it simple," he said.

People don't want no fiddly-diddly, y'know.

Funny thing about that picture, right, he was 29 years old when he died, he looks about 59.

He's a skinny looking geezer an' all, in't he?

Well, you never know, he might've had an eating disorder.

(He scoffs) What are you talking about?

He's a bloke. Anyway, they never had 'em in them days.

Of course they had 'em in them days.

And men are just as vulnerable as women.

I dunno, that's the price of fame, I suppose.

He was, like, a tortured soul, really.

That's where the songs come from.

That's the thing about fame.

I mean, a lot of people think it's wonderful, but for some people, it's just miserable.

Those guys on Top Gear, they've probably got troubles and strifes we don't even know about.

Bloody Top Gear.

I hope they know how lucky they are.

Are you eating chocolate?

No. Did you put some chocolate in your mouth?

I didn't!

Yes, you did, I just saw you!

I didn't, Billy!

Yes, you f*cking did! I saw ya!

I don't give a monkey's about the chocolate, but you're f*cking lying to me!

That makes a joke of all this!

What's the f*cking point of lying to me?

I'm sorry, Billy.

I've got a lot on me mind at the moment.

I'm sorry.

Bloody chocolate.

Go on, give us a bit.

What is this sh1t?

Green & Blacks.

f*cking horrible. Ain't you got any Maltesers?

I'm sorry, no.

Sorry.

I'm sorry I shouted.

Bloody Top Gear.

I hope they know how lucky they are.

Music: She Walks Right In by Professor Longhair

♪ She walks right in ♪
♪ She walks right out ♪
♪ She walks right in ♪
♪ She walks right out ♪
♪ She walks right in ♪
♪ She walks right out ♪
♪ She walks right in ♪
♪ She walks right out ♪
♪ She walks right in ♪
♪ Then she walks right out... ♪

Phyllis!

Phyllis, what are you doing out here, are you a bit lost?

Who are you?

I'm Liz, the Community Mental Health Nurse.

Oh. Very nice.

Come on, let's get you inside.

I was on my way to see them Turks.

They've been nicking all me furniture.

Well, come on, let's go and check if everything's all right, shall we?

I danced for the Queen Mum once.

Ooh!

I danced for the Queen Mum once.

There you are, Phyllis.

All your furniture's here.

They've put it all back.

Them Turks have sneaked into my flat and put all me furniture back.

They're trying to confuse me, but it won't work.

Where's Gary today?

What? My son? Is he coming?

Ooh, I'd better get his tea ready.

And his dad's.

His dad don't like it if his tea's not ready when he comes home from work.

Ho!

Oh, I wish I was a young woman now, like you.

Independent.

Doing a job.

I'd tell him to f*ck off. Get his own tea.

Ooh!

What have you got there? Cornichons?

What do you want them for?

Them bloody Turks planted this on me.

They'd do anything.

Oh!

I don't want to go to jail.

Do you think I will?

No!

I'll take 'em back for you. It'll be fine.

Come on, let's write this shopping list for Gary.

Who's he?

Singing along: ♪ When Jesus washed... ♪

Come on, darlin', sing along.

I'm not much of a singer, but I do like this one.

♪ ... washed ♪

Both: ♪ When Jesus washed... ♪

(Music continues from inside house)

♪ Happy day ♪

Both: ♪ Happy day... ♪

Lorrie!

♪ Oh, happy day... ♪

Oh, I thought we'd got rid of you last time.

Can you keep the noise down, please?

I'm only joking. Hello, Nurse.

(Lorrie switches off music)

Go away, your timing is terrible.

We're praising the Lord and anyway, you don't recognise him.

Well, wait a minute. I've nothing against Jesus at all and I celebrate the notion that he might wash again.

It'd be churlish not to.

And I try and join in, even though theologically, I am on a sticky wicket.

Shut up with your nonsense and your blaspheming, lickle man.

Be careful the Lord don't strike you down.

Listen, I've the utmost respect for Jesu and his general kindness.

And anyway, it's a mitzvah... that is a blessing... to support other religions.

But by throwing the moneylenders out of the Temple, he unwittingly paved the way for centuries of anti-Semitism, which is ironic, given that he was in fact a Jew himself.

What nonsense the devil puttin' in your mouth?

Please leave us alone, Maurice.

It's every time I come you interrupt the session.

Of course, the Christian families weren't allowed to lend money, so it fell to the Jews, primarily, and, of course, people always need wonga, and historically that led to resentment and Bob's your uncle's father's mother.

Hush your mouth!

If you really care about Lorrie, and I think you do...

Oh, I do.

... you'd let her have her session in peace.

Of course.

It's crucial for her well-being.

Yes, I do know that, as a matter of fact.

And actually, I've only popped in here on my way to the shops.

Have you made your list, Lorrie?

I have it on good authority that there are some cheap pistachios in Lidl.

Me 'ave it here, darlin'.

I'm not looking.

Just wait a minute.

Close to my heart.

Is it safe?

Yes.

Now, run along, Maurice. We have some music fi listen to.

Right. I'm history.

I don't know why I said that.

Perhaps because of the historical nature of our conversation.

Au revoir, ladies!

That's actually French for goodbye.

(Music starts)

♪ Oh, Jesus washed... ♪

When Jesus washed.

♪ When Jesus washed... ♪

Oh, God, he's still here!

♪ He washed my sins away... ♪
♪ He washed my sins away. ♪

I don't know how you put up with him.

Clear off!

Happy day!

(Phone rings)

Yes?

Yes, Officer, that's me.

Yes, that's my husband. What's happened?

Oh, for God's sake!

Which car park?

Right. I'll be there as soon as I can. Thanks.

Oh, God!

(Siren wails)

I'm going to jump! I'm doing it this time, Liz!

That's it!

f*cking...

Get down, now!

I will!

I'm going to come down.

Sorry.

I totally understand if you don't want to say anything today.

This is your time and you can use it how you want.

Obviously, I will still have to give you your medication.

Is there anything you want to talk about?

Nope.

Why don't you go to Starbucks or something?

Take a bit of time for yourself.

I'm sure you've got a lot on your plate.

You got your troubles, I got mine.

The Fortunes, 1965.

Well...

The thing about CBT, Graham, it helps you set targets.

And I think that's what you need to do.

Oh! Lie down on the couch.

Well, Mr Freud, it's all me mum's fault.

CBT is not analysis, it's short-term, problem-focused.

And we both know what your short-term goal needs to be.

Weight loss. Weight loss.

And will you be taking the carrot or the stick approach?

Only, Graham Downes doesn't like the stick.

No, I actually prefer the carrot, although, to be honest, I don't really like carrots much either.

How about a doughnut?

Well, we could use a metaphorical doughnut.

Ha-ha! What's it filled with? Custard or jam?

That ain't going to help me very much, is it?

Well, how about we fill it with self-esteem, Graham?

Steam? Not steam, self-esteem!

When you eat this doughnut, you lose weight.

(Laughs)

You're very clever.

But you don't need a doughnut to get me up on my feet.

All right, I'll throw it out of the window then.

No!

Don't throw a doughnut out the window, not even a metaphorical one.

♪ Don't throw the doughnut out with the bath water ♪
♪ You know you shouldn't have oughta. ♪

All right, I won't throw it out.

I'm never going to be Usanium Bolt, right, but, you know, I can get around.

And how did it feel when you were more mobile? Um...

It is, like... quite an intimidating world out there.

And what did you find so intimidating?

It's like... it's so noisy, you know?

And me mum, she thought, like, that people might take advantage of me, you know, cos people can be very cruel.

So she always made sure that I had lovely nice lots of lovely food to cheer me up again, you know.

And then, so... like, I sort of slipped back, you know, into...

Into eating, Graham?

No! I've never eaten Graham!

(LAUGHS) I will not eat myself.

I have very Catholic tastes, but I draw the line at that.

You know, I think we need to get you up on your feet, get these limbs moving, for a start.

Oh! What's going to motivate you to do that?

How about Lana del Rey's phone number?

Oh, I've got her in me contacts right here in-between Beyonce and Charlize Theron.

No, come on, I'm up on my feet, let's get you up on yours.

Right, you've really got to push yourself up, use those pillows to help you up.

Are you ready?

I'm not sure about this. Get my frame.

Right, here's your frame.

That's it, now come on. I'll give you a bit of help.

All right, be careful, that tickles.

Ooh, it's a bit wet there. Is that custard?

It might be.

Right, come on, come on.

Come on, you can do it.

I can't.

You're nearly there now.

All right.

Come on, you're nearly up.

Right.

See?

You're up, Graham, you're up!

Come on then, now let's just get to the door and back.

Keep going, you can do it!

I can't see the metaphorical doughnut. Are you dangling it?

I've got it here, I've got it here, Graham.

I've got it here, come on.

Ooh, it's like Benny Hill, innit?

(Hums benny hill theme)

Can you see the doughnut? You're moving!

Come on, think of Lana!

You're walking!

Big man walking!

You're walking, Graham.

Mum!

Mum!

Yay!

You've done it!

Brilliant!

♪ Take to your bed ♪
♪ You say there's peace in sleep ♪
♪ But you'll dream of love instead ♪