01x04 - Mehmesis

[bunniefuu]

Isn't this great? Summer's the best.

If we could just block out that last chink of light, watching this film outdoors would be nearly as good as watching it inside.

Ooh - all out of fruit cubes?

I'll go on a run.

Stay out of the sun, Germaine.

Yeah, yeah. I'm only going for ice cubes, Mum.

You could just sun cream us, you know?

The price of sun cream -

I might as well paint you all in liquid frigging gold.

Have you any idea of the total surface area of six children?

You're the human Forth Bridge.

Oh, hey, Grampy.

What are you doing here?

Your nan's on a juice-cleanse.

She won't allow meat in the house.

It's wall-to-wall celery round our place.

If that's your nan, stall her.

Germaine, hiya.

Hiya, Cathy. How lovely that you've come over, completely unannounced.

Unfortunately, today is a "close family" day only - no cousins allowed. Sorry.

Let me in, Germolene. We've just done a baccy-run to Poland.

I've got a delivery for Della.

Oh, I see.

Well, you'd better come in then, seeing as you're delivering lingering death to my mother.

Maybe next time you could bring a box of TB, or a little hamper of ebola.

Is that Cathy I can hear?

Cath-Cath! You frigging beauty.

Ooh, you got your Grampy's gubbins, too?

Hiya, Grampy - got your baccy.

Cathy, your nan's not with you, is she?

No. I'm solo and YOLO, Grampy.

Cathy!

Thank God. Hi, Wyatt.

I've done that black pudding no justice, eating it that fast.

I've basically m*rder*d my fry-up.

The man said not to worry about the gnarly bits that look like straw and sawdust.

Old Grampy's not worried about a bit of garnish - as long as the price is right.

You going to hang out with us for a bit, bab?

Yeah - I'll chill my boots here for a bit.

Wyatt, go and get your cousin a Coke.

Can we have Coke too, Mum?

No. The sh*t that does to Wyatt's teeth, I might as well bash them out with a spade - not that Mummy would do that, bab.

You lot can have water.

Great. Water. "It's the taste."

Ooh, that's cheap baccy.

I'd cough, but that reflex d*ed years ago.

Right, you lot need to frig off round the front garden for 20 minutes.

Cathy! Go! Go!

Hiya, Cath.

And stay out of the sun!

Shade is free -

Cameron's not clocked that one yet!

Mmm...

I love the smell of Ronseal in the morning.

You not going with them, Dad?

There will be fumes, you know.

I reckon I can handle it.

Aw, thanks.

Do you want the chair, Cathy?

Ah, Wyatt. You're such a gent.

That's where Mum sits when she's keeping an eye on the bin men.

Have a sixpence. Thanks, Cathy!

It's an obsolete coin, Wyatt - not "the one ring". Get a grip.

Oh, it's good to just chill.

College is taking it out of me.

I am knackered - but in-my-mind knackered.

It's a whole new kind of knackered.

Yeah, right...

I'll have to hide, if anyone I know goes past.

They call you the "freak family" at school, on account of how you're... you know, freaks?

Society always shuns what it fears.

What do they know, anyway?

Who even is society?

Just some people...

You get called most names actually, Germaine.

Like "Lady Hagrid", "Girl Russell Brand", "Fat Winehouse..."

It's kind of the law of jungle at school.

If you don't join in, you pay the price.

Actually, I'm the one that came up with "Fat Winehouse".

Oh. Thanks a bunch, Cathy.

They think you're the kids' mother, you know?

What, so...

Then who do they think Mum is?

Your hot eldest daughter.

In six months, all that is going to be heaving with fresh vegetables - and then Aldi can go f*ck itself.

Oh, he's wily, that Smiley.

Heh-heh! You show them, son.

Oh, here she is.

Right on cue. Frigging Tiddles...

Come to do her business in my brand-new border, the tabby sh*t-bag.

Well, not on my watch.

Eh, that was horrible.

It was like you were channelling your mother for a second, there.

I'm going to hose that little bitch, every time she comes back.

Teach her not to drop her biscuits in my basket.

Classical conditioning, Della.

Powerful technique. Good call.

It bloody works though, Dad.

I've been using it on the kids.

Since I've been feeding them really salty food when it's on, they've gone right off Dora the frigging Explorer. Huh.

Just a couple of sprays on Tiddles' pink anus and she'll learn to respect my borders.

I'd do that to your mother, but she'd probably like it, the kinky old bird.

Stop making that face around her.

What face?

Like you're interested in her.

I am interested in her.

She's had experience of things that happened beyond the postbox, Germaine.

That's interesting to me.

Yeah, well, it's easy for her to be interesting.

I'd be interesting if my dad was having a breakdown, and I'd been given an iPhone and a hamster, just to stop me being sad.

Unfortunately, I've not been so lucky.

Yeah, the gods have been so unkind to you!

What up, bummers?

The gods are back on-side - Lee!

Oh, my God.

Look at him, Aretha...

Ice white, like a sexy iceberg.

God, I'd ram my gigantic transatlantic steamer into him.

Screw the plebs in third class!

Look! It's Big Fat Gypsy Wedding!

I knew he'd have a zinger for me.

Gypsy Wedding's good - it means he associates me with weddings.

..And bare-knuckle fighting.

No way.

Is that Lee Rhind?

Yeah.

He was the year below me at school.

Last time I saw him, he had a Blackberry and Bieber hair.

Oh, my gosh.

Look at his dreamy breasts, Aretha!

I don't think they're called "breasts" when they're on a man.

His nipples are so petite - like little chocolate chips.

I might go over there.

Tell him to shut up.

Yeah, be my guest.

On your head be it.

Last time I approached him unannounced, he threw a dog at me.

I reckon I'll be all right.

I'm going to take my girls with me.

No-one argues with my girls.

Fool.

Oi, Rhind! What?

Any second now, she'll come running back, crying that he called her a "bummer".

Germaine - seriously, can you not see what's going on?

What? What's "going on"?

Well, look at him.

Kong has fallen in love.

No way!

They could be talking about anything.

He could be asking her for directions.

Yeah - to her vag*na.

Aretha, do something!

Intervene! Make him chase you!

Lure him away with your lurid hair!

Wise up - they have chemistry.

It's a done deal.

They may have chemistry, but I have fearsome intellect.

Fearsome intellect doesn't look good in shorts, Germaine.

Ooh, this is what she wants - a nice fine tilth, all soft and welcoming.

She'll get in here, wanting to free her chocolate hostages - and then whammo!

Seems a bit hardcore to me, Del.

Me, I take the Ghandi approach.

That's appeasement, Dad.

Which is understandable, given that you're basically living with Vichy France.

Now, Della, come on - your mum can't help being a firebrand.

It's part of what I love about her.

"Firebrand"?

She called Yoko a "bitch" - on Christmas Day.

Yeah, well none of us are at our best on Christmas Day, are we Della?

Well, Ebenezer Scrooge made the best of it - and The Grinch.

Right. I need to get the kids in.

They've had their 20 minutes outside, so that's rickets taken care of, Professor Tanya Byron.

Here, Ghandi - you're on cat patrol.

If you see the little pink target, take a sh*t.

And no appeasement, Dad.

How you handle my mother is your business, but this manky old creature's going down.

This will not stand.

She's overstepped her bounds.

I'm going to have to avenge myself on Catherine Elizabeth Garry.

The best revenge is a life well-lived, Germaine.

I don't have time for "a life well-lived".

I'm just going to punch her, or make her infertile.

You're going Joffrey.

I'm just warning you.

Lee reckons my fitness is unbounded.

He's got good taste - and biceps like melons.

What is wrong with the women in this family?

I expect it from Germaine - she fancied O*ama b*n L*den...

He had dreamy eyes, like Gareth Gates.

..but you have AS levels, Cathy.

I expected better of you.

Right, everyone - inside.

I'm not having anyone - Aretha - getting sunstroke again.

The boating lake sunstroke incident was Germaine's fault, Mum.

She refused to row back to shore.

I'd already paid for 40 minutes, Aretha and I wanted to see the coot's nest.

Laters, loser!

I aye arsed of you, Lee.

Well, I am arsed... so very arsed of you.

We could watch telly.

I think Dora the Explorer might be on.

I don't like Dora.

Dora makes me thirsty.

What do you say we play a little game, Cathy?

Would you like to dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

Cool. I'm brilliant at dancing games.

No... I don't mean actual dancing.

Card games - gambling.

Shithead.

Cool, yeah. Shithead's my game.

Bring it on.

Then let's have this. Who's in?

Me!

Aretha?

No.

I swore I'd never play another family game after sh*t Nan stabbed me in the hand with a fork when I bought the Old Kent Road.

The brown ones are hers, apparently.

Can I play? No!

Yoko isn't allowed to play card games. She cheats.

I don't cheat. I just know what card's coming next.

Yeah, exactly... cheater.

That's a two.

Yoko!

What's this?

Are you playing Shithead?

Yep.

You know the rules - no gambling... without me.

We're early doors. Get involved.

Is she playing? No.

Good, let's have this.

Right, then. Quick recap of the rules for the babbies.

First one rid of their cards wins.

The last one left in is the Shithead and each time you lose, you get a letter on your forehead.

Two is a glass card, aces high, ten burns the deck, Jacks nominate. So...

..anyone want to bet me a lifetime of loading the dishwasher?

Thought not.

Yes! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Germaine's got a six.

Yoko!

Mariah, play for Mummy, petal.

Put that Jack on Wyatt's nine and crush his little dreams.

Della...

Della!

No appeasement, eh?

Right then, Tiddles.

It's just you and me.

Time to make a stand.

Yoko!

Sorry, Wyatt.

Rules are rules.

Don't bet what you can't stand to lose, bab.

Right, Cathy. It's just you and me.

This is it - the decider.

Tonight, you die in Hell, Cathy.

Dine in Hell. It's "dine in Hell."

Really? That's way less dramatic than dying in hell.

That's just a meal somewhere hot.

I'd be fine with that.

Come on - less mouth action, more card action, Germaine.

Yeah, OK. This is it.

I'm going to crush you.

No-one ever won anything with a seven, Germaine.

An ace, and I'm out!

Now, that's good Shithead.

Thanks a bunch, the gods!

U-S-A! U-S-A!

I b*at you, Germaine. Yes!

Come on! Give me another chance.

Let's have a rematch.

Yeah, a rematch.

Cos at of Wimbledon, they always have a re-match, in case the loser's a bit sad and wants another try!

Butt out, Aretha. You're not on Have I Got News For You.

Come on, Cathy. We can play something shorter, like... Snap, or general knowledge - double or quits.

You've got nothing left to double with, Germaine.

I've already won all your stuff.

But, bring it on -

Aretha can be question master.

She's impartial, like Evan Davis.

Right then, this will be a family knowledge quiz.

Best of three, fastest finger first.

How many people does Mariah think live in the UK?

3,000.

Correct - one point to Cathy.

That's not fair. You know I've got no interest in Mariah!

Ask me about something I care about.

Very well. This Christmas, Germaine attempted to insult me by calling me a ginger "something".

Got it! It was a "ginger basilisk".

Yes, it was.

Though technically, that's not an insult, as a basilisk is A, literally legendary and B, king of the reptiles.

Here comes the deciding question.

What is Yoko most scared of?

Blood! No, birds!

No - the theme tune to Panorama!

I'm going with Panorama.

It's Panorama.

Yoko?

It's high on the list, not top.

Balls!

Is it Michael Parkinson?

He's number three.

Uncle Nigel's hands?

They look like monkey paws.

Then Cathy has won - again.

The quiz is over. U-S-A! U-S-A!

No way. I know way more about this family than Cathy.

I'm actually in this family!

For example, I bet Cathy doesn't know why we didn't go bowling for my birthday.

Because the prices at that bowling alley are a frigging disgrace.

I will not pay 3.75 for a Juice sh**t.

Not now, not ever.

No, Mum. You and I both know it was because you thought Aretha would be embarrassed asking for men's bowling shoes, because her feet are freakishly wide, like those of a platypus.

Zip it, Germaine.

Too late, Mum. My files are open.

Now I'm Assanging.

Yoko, here's a truth b*mb for you.

Mum frequently takes money from your special savings jar to pay the egg man.

That's my Natural History Museum fund!

I always put it back after.

It's just that frigging egg man's a stickler for the right change...

What about you, Cathy?

Did you know that sh*t Nan calls you "The Orphan", because both of your parents are lacklustre?

Pow! Top that, Edward Snowden!

Enough of this bollocks.

Go to bed, now!

No, Mum. I'm the truth - and you can't send the truth to bed!

I frigging can!

Go to bed, Germaine.

OK, fine. The truth is going to bed.

Clearly it's not welcome here.

Enjoy Lee. Be gentle.

He's a lot more sensitive than his "Poon Hunter" T-shirt would suggest.

'Oh, Chris - you've brought a beautiful bird.

'I have indeed. We'd like you to look out for these this weekend and going forward, too. It's a barn owl...'

Yeah... you stroke that fierce lady predator, Chris.

Calm her right down.

Looks like Germaine's running away again.

Frig's sake!

Springwatch has just started.

What the frig are you doing, Germaine?

I'm running away, of course.

You're going nowhere.

The buses stopped at six.

Well, then I'm going to make a new life for myself here at the bus stop.

Come on, then.

Tell me what's going on.

I am listening.

Why does everybody like Cathy so much?

She's evil. I hate her.

OK, so you don't like Cathy.

What's the big deal?

There's loads of people I hate - my own mother, Bill Oddie, a band from the '90s called All Saints...

But I'm not a hater. I hate haters.

I comment on YouTube videos to exactly that effect.

There's nothing wrong with a bit of hate, Germaine. It's only human.

You've just got to learn to mask it, that's all.

Mask my hate?

Yup. Be two-faced.

That's my advice, Germaine.

You'll get your chance to let out all the hate when capitalism goes tits up and you're fighting for a dead rat with a home-made cleaver.

So is that what everybody does?

Pretend to like each other?

90% of the time, Germaine, yes.

Now, come home and apologise to your cousin.

And you can be as insincere as you like.

That's your treat.

I'm going now, Germaine.

Cathy, Germaine would like to say something to you, before you go.

I'm sorry for my uncouth words, Cathy. Forgive my temper.

We shouldn't fight over a man.

We're better than that.

We were fighting over a man?

sh*t! Grampy!

Dad?

Della, hear me out.

I know this looks bad, but I'm playing the long game here.

I've got her right where I want her.

So have I.

Della?

Sorry, Dad... but I won't stand for appeasement.

Della!

Well, that was your biggest running away yet.

You made it all the way to the bus stop. Congratulations.

Maybe next time, you'll make it out of the postcode.

You can mock, Aretha, but I am the victor in this situation.

Mum thinks I'm taking her advice and being two-faced to Cathy, when, actually, I'm just pretending to be two-faced.

Do you see?

I'm being two-faced on a whole other level.

Ingenious, eh?

Just like Sherlock Holmes.

You're no Holmes, Germaine.

You're a Watson who thinks he's a Holmes.

When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable - will be me doing Lee.

Dream on, Watson.

You noob.