02x01 - The Monroe Technique

[bunniefuu]

Here comes the car.

This has 18 million views?

It's a gateway to snuff!

Again!

Look, Yoko - that's not her knee. That's a massive pustule.

And in a minute, she squeezes it - and what comes out is essentially "leg custard".

Here we go!

Three, two, one...

What?!

All: No!!

Mom! Mom! The Wi-Fi. It's down!

We've tried everything. We've refreshed it.

We've refreshed it again. We've literally done everything we can! Do something! Call so-meone!

Call 999! Wi-Fi, Mom! Wi-Fi!!

I turned it off, Germaine.

Why? Why would a human DO that?

Cos we can't afford it any more.

I'm not paying 29.99 a month to beam pixels through the frigging air.

But the internet is educational.

I use it to watch TED Talks about... you know, whatever TED stands for.

All right, Melvyn Bragg. Educational is it?

Let's have a look at your search history then, shall we?

Mm. "Tom Hardy topless", "Tom Hardy top on", "Benedict Cumberbatch hat on", "Benedict Cumberbatch hatless"?

So. I need my options visualised.

I can't just imagine Benedict Cumberbatch without a hat on, you know.

"Catherine Deneuve's feet"?

Guilty as charged.

"Andrew Marr on his moped"?

Oh, that's Yoko. She's turning out to be quite niche, sexually.

Look, if you need to use the internet, go to the library with Aretha and use it there.

Public internet! With those public internet losers!

I'm part of the Cyber Generation - please don't make me go and use a dirty communal keyboard covered in sad-old-man finger grease.

Are you questioning my austerity policies, Germaine?

Are you Corbyn-ing me?

Fine. I will go the library.

But this moment is not going in my best bits, Mom.

This will not make the final montage!

Germaine out!

Mom! Mom! These don't fit any more.

How can your feet have grown again?

I've been restricting your calcium intake for weeks.

Here - have these.

They are pink, but they've not been pissed in.

Dad said stop giving me girl's clothes. We've started a Boys' Club.

Can I be in Boys' Club?

We talked about it. Dad said we can't trust you.

Oh, I get it.

You forget to pick someone up from Mostyn ferry port one time and he writes you off forever.

You tell your father I don't want to be in Boys' Club.

Because I'm in "Not A Twat Club".

Well, Wyatt, I'm afraid the only other shoes I can offer you are Grampy's old flip-flops.

Heh-heh. Instant karma, laddie!

I'd wear a prophylactic sock if I were you -

I'm more fungus than foot down there.

Heh-heh!

Oi! Respect your elders, sonny boy.

I was - briefly and tangentially - involved in the third cod w*r for you.

Securing your cod... And what thanks do I get?

Sorry, Dad.

The kids aren't used to it not being a coat cupboard any more.

That's not a place to store useless old crap nobody wants, Wyatt.

It's where Grampy lives now.

Which is totally different, OK?

Mom! Here you go - Cher's library books.

I've wiped the snot off them.

I'll just have a quick flick through.

I accidentally sent my smear test results to the library last week, between pages four and five of Horton Hears A Who!

Right, then, I'm off to the library, to get finger Aids off a filthy shared PC.

Hmmm.

Germaine!

Sorry, Grampy. I'm too digitally disenfranchised to remember that you live there.

Laters!

Wyatt.

Coming!

Shall we do something about this nook, Dad?

It'll have to be cheap but I can't have you lying there like the last puppy in the pound.

What say you to a trip to Poor Woman's IKEA?

Good afternoon, Mrs Buttermere.

Wyatt! Your shoe!

I don't like them!

Pick it up, then.

Suck it up, dude!

My mother asked me to tell you that page seven was missing when we got it.

Don't worry. We keep a few spares of that page - it gets torn out a lot.

Seems there's a bit of a backlash against Mog. There will be no fine.

I appreciate the continued tolerance this library has for my family.

Hello, Mrs Buttermere.

Hello, Yoko. How's it going?

I watched Dumbo with my dad last night, and when I got sad, he told me that if I researched the ivory trade, it would "burn the sorrow out of me".

We've got a couple of books on that. There's the reference number.

You see the drooling, elderly gentleman napping near the CDs.

It's just behind his left shoulder.

Can I "use the internet" please?

They're all booked at the moment, seems Penelope Keith's nip slip has caused quite the stir.

Should be free in about half an hour.

Half an hour?

I won't remember what I want to Google in half an hour.

I'm part of the digital generation. I think in memes...

I'll put your down for number three.

Mr Latham won't be long.

He's really not getting the hang of that mouse.

She is fecund.

I'm going to get right inside her.

It's a better quality of refuse here in Tettenhall.

Shall I do the honours, Del?

Take Mariah. She's got aptitude.

Don't over-egg it, kid. The limp is my thing.

Get your own grift.

(Doorbell rings)

Morning, my love.

Would it be all right if my daughter and the wee one here took a couple of things from your skip?

Get you back below the fill line?

They charge you if you go over the line, you know?

It's so dead in here.

Shush!

Germaine, the first rule of library club is to shut up.

I'm just saying, can't they play some music or something?

A bit of John Legend and a frappuccino machine would vibe this place right up.

This library is perfect as it is.

Only in here can you sit and read for free.

Have you any idea how precious that is?

God, I was just saying...

There are books, here, Germaine. Knowledge. For free!

Despite a 30% funding cut.

They've had to start a demeaning coffee morning to raise funds.

A coffee morning!

Thanks! That coffee morning is demeaning.

I'm a librarian, not a barista.

I studied at De Montford.

But, if you could, please, just shut up!

You just made me break the first rule of library club.

Sh, Aretha. Stop wittering on like an angry Miss Jean Brodie and look.

Lee!

Funny. My feelings for Lee have definitely all gone now.

There's nothing less attractive than someone who doesn't fancy you.

I've definitely moved on.

And the important thing is that no-one got hurt.

You did take quite a lot of my blood for that voodoo love ceremony.

Farewell, sweet prince. Oh, how I violated you in my dreams.

Dreams in which you were, quite frankly, more erudite than you are in real life.

Lee's minion's coming!

Fear not. The librarian will save us.

Sweet, brave noble The Librarian...

Hey. I just issue the books. I don't do security.

That's Nigel's job.

Here you go, Dad. We can do you a privacy curtain.

Why pay 15 quid a foot for a curtain rail when Cameron's Babes are giving it away for free?

Ooh, I'll be able to get dressed in my nook of a morning now, instead of in the kitchen.

There's something wrong about being naked around bacon.

These have got potential.

The rats have wazzed on her but with a bit of tender loving care and a good waxing, she'll come back to us.

That's worked for me before now.

Ooh. This is a touch of class.

She's lost a tit, Dad.

We've all got bits missing, Della. Doesn't mean we can't be loved.

Yeah, all right, Deepak Chopra.

You can keep her but you're not plugging her in.

I doubt the tit-cyclops has been PAT-tested.

This is vintage, Della.

Safety laws don't apply when you get past a certain age.

I think we're done here. Shall we go?

Sure thing, Della.

But I reckon if we tell her Mariah's got rickets she'd let us rummage in her wheelie bins.

This feminist dialectic will ward him off.

Nothing keeps the boys out of the yard like Germaine Greer's milkshake.

(Phone rings)

Sh!

Nice one, dude.

Sh!

Was that a flirt?

Sh!

That WAS a flirt!

Are you seeing this? How can HE be flirting with me?

We're on opposing sides. We're like the Mongolios and the DiCaprios.

Capulets and Montagues, Germaine. Capulets and Montagues.

Yeah, those guys.

I'm going to do my sexy librarian look.

♪ It's going down for real ♪
♪ It's going down for real ♪
♪ It's going down for real ♪
♪ It's going down for real ♪
♪ Lift it, drop it, shake it, pop it ♪
♪ Lift it, drop it, shake it, pop it ♪
♪ Lift it, drop it, shake it, pop it ♪
♪ Lift it, drop it, shake it ♪
♪ It's going down for real ♪
♪ It's going down for real... ♪

Here, chick.

God bless the middle classes.

Always willing to spunk 80 quid on anything with chalk paint on it.

The trickle-down effect.

In my day, you could only get that in certain Berlin brothels.

No, no, you're right though, Del.

Give this a whiff of French farmhouse and the Per Una crew will be all over it like a classy rash.

Since you're such an expert on our target customers, why don't you tart it up while I hang your curtain?

Now, Del, are you sure about that?

You know how angry you get when you've got your arms up above your head.

Remember when you did the hanging baskets?

Dunno what you mean, Dad.

I'm incredibly even-tempered. Am I not?

Yep, sure. 100%.

Ignore me. You carry on, Del.

I'll whip out the old Black and Decker and give this beauty a good going over.

Right then, Mariah. What say you become Grampy's apprentice?

Like you would have been in the olden days if you'd survived scarlet fever, cholera and typhus, that is.

Put your hands on there.

That was amazing!

I've never witnessed the power of my own sexual magnetism before.

Yeah, sure, I've got no interest in him, but it's good to keep the flirt tanks topped up.

You never know when you're going to need to spray gallons of flirt all over a situation.

Hey, Germaine!

Incoming, 12 o'clock!

Hey, man. Erm... Do you... want to go out with me?

Germaine, if you give a response the situation will end.

Er... yeah, OK.

Cool. I'll call for you later.

Oh, my God! I just got asked out!

You just said you had no interest in him but seven paces ago.

I was a different person seven paces ago.

Now he's asked me out, I can see his appeal.

There's something very attractive about someone who fancies you.

It's like when a dog humps your leg and you're secretly flattered that he chose yours over all the other legs in the room.

Very nice work, kid. Very nice work.

That's almost sweat shop standard, that.

Don't you want a go, Grampy?

I can't do power tools any more. I've got vibration white finger.

And not off a drill. You carry on there.

What you up to, Grampy?

The art of delegation.

Heh heh. How are you enjoying your mandals?

It doesn't pay to blackball your Grampy.

Unless you're a lady of the Stuttgarter Platz, and he's asked you to do it.

Hey, Mum. Guess what?

Not now, Germaine.

I just got asked out. On the green. He just ran up to me and popped the question.

A man asked you out on the green, in the middle of the day?

Yeah.

Christ. Right, let's recap the paedophile conversation.

Aretha, get the number for Crimestoppers.

No, Mum. It's not like that. I know him.

Who is he? Do you know him?

He has impinged upon my existence, yes.

Uh, why aren't you asking me these questions? He's my intended.

How much of a d*ck is he?

Oh, I'd say a six out of ten.

Then you can go out with him.

Oh, great. So that's how you respond to my first ever date.

Not, "What star sign is he?" Or "Let's merge your faces in Photoshop to see what our kids might look like?"

Just, "Is he a d*ck?" Thanks a bunch.

Germaine, I have been trying to get this frigging cock on for 20 minutes.

I am seconds away from ripping this entire frigging ceiling down.

So we can have that conversation, but we will be having it in the rubble of this hallway! Argh!

This is not the time, Germaine.

She gets the rage of the banshee when she's got her arms above her head.

DIE!

There's a reason we keep her away from monkey bars, Germaine.

(Screams)

That is disappointing. Apparently Lone Cowboy and Hermit are no longer viable career options.

The book suggests computer programmer or lighthouse keeper as alternatives, but they're far too people-focused.

I'm going to have to rethink my entire future.

Well, I'm going to have to redesign the cover of my project file.

Basically, everything is going extinct.

It's a bit rude word depressing.

Sorry Yoko, but this book's a bit out of date.

The Yangtze River dolphin actually went extinct in 2002.

Poor the river dolphin.

Oh, and the West African black rhino.

That's dead, too... Do you know what?

It's probably easier if I tell you which ones are still alive.

Hey, so guys, I've decided on my tactics for my date.

I'm doing a Marilyn Monroe.

What, you're going to become famous by standing on a grate, appear in Some Like It Hot and die tragically young? I'm in.

No, Aretha. I'm implementing another of my patented life hacks.

Check it out! I've got some of my lady juice on my wrists, as perfume.

Germaine!

What? Monroe did it all the time and she bagged the third hottest President, after Obama and that one that sat in a chair with his legs under a blanket. I had no idea how interesting I smell.

It's like I've got Coco Chanel down there, churning out hit after hit!

Germaine, you set the cause of humanity back with your actions.

Chill out, Bureau De Ginge. It's just bodily juices.

Heck, I put my Moon Cup in with a full dishwasher load this morning and no-one was any the wiser.

♪ Cos you're working for the man ♪
♪ Working for the man... ♪

I'm tired, Grampy.

I never said being an apprentice was going to be fun.

My first job at the steel works was back-breaking. Did I complain?

No. I turned up there every day, put my hairnet on and served those men their lunch.

Yup. I reckon I'm about done, here.

Oh, hi, Della. Didn't see you there. Lost in my work, I was.

You've done a good job here, Dad.

These listless, lack-lustre brushstrokes are perfect for that shabby chic bollocks.

Shame the internet's off, or I'd stick it on Gumtree.

Least we could do. Mariah was basically useless.

Hiya! Is Germaine in?

I recognise you. You live round here, don't you?

Yeah. Over there. Number 12.

Actually my mum says you've got our wheelie bin, so can we have it back?

No, bab. That's my bin. It's always been my bin.

If your mum wants it, she can come over here and wheel it away over my dead body. You get me?

OK.

So, your house is what? 7.5 metres away?

I guess.

Police Surveillance Van three, that your Wi-Fi?

Yeah.

Yeah. Turns out two other people already had the idea of calling it Police Surveillance Van. My dad was crushed.

It's a very strong signal.

We get like 30 megabits a second.

Do you now? You know what?

I reckon we're going to get on like a house on fire.

Now what's your password, petal.

Is it password with an at symbol instead of the a?

Yeah!

Germaine! Superfast Fibre Optic is here!

Is that true?

Oh, no. I've never took acid.

I only wear this cos the colours make my eyes pop.

I used to love acid.

But acid never loved me, if you get me.

OK.

Stay away from his sperm, Germaine!

Ignore that. Mum's just bitter.

She keeps missing Wimbledon because she's giving birth.

It's not entirely appropriate but at least you can towel your knackers in privacy, hey?

Very smooth action. That's cock on, that.

Home sweet home.

For decoration only, Dad. You're not to plug this piece of tat in.

Yeah, all right. I do know a fair bit about electrical safety.

I worked for Indesit for seven years.

I was only electrocuted thrice.

You may only have one tit, but you are not tat.

(Music plays)

Do you want to get the bus?

I will need to charge my phone soon, though, because I get really anxious when it's below half.

It's OK, we can just hang here.

Get some bus stop realness.

My tea will be ready soon, anyway.

What you having?

Fish fingers.

No way! Me too!

Oh, my God. We've got so much in common.

That's weird. My mum wants to know what shoe size you are.

I'm a seven.

Anyway, shall we get off with each other?

Yeah, OK.

Just so you know, I do tongues and I might explore your body with my hands a bit, maybe.

Squeeze your nips through your shirt. Is that all right?

I reckon.

♪ Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you ♪
♪ All I need is the air that I breathe... ♪

Here it comes again.

I'll say something for Germaine's lad, he's got lightning fast broadband.

Yeah, he's all right by me. I Gumtree'd that chest of drawers.

I might chalk paint the shed next, see how much I can get for that.

Yoko! Yoko, look. It's the website for your book.

You can watch species go extinct in real time.

Great. Thanks.

Goodbye, Sumatran Cane Toad.

It's tragic, of course, but a very impressive use of big data.

Someone should collect two of each endangered species and put them in a special zoo to keep them safe.

Or a boat, because of the rising sea levels.

Do you think anyone has ever thought of that?

I'm back! And I vini vidi vici'd.

I brought Callum's old trainers, Mum.

They're Wyatt's size and everything.

There you go, kid. What you lose not having brothers you gain from brothers-in-law now your sisters are reaching the age of majority.

Yeah, awesome! Go Boy's Club!

Wazzock!

I'm seeing Callum again tomorrow.

Might try some belly button stuff. Keep things fresh.

I will not be accused of being sexually vanilla.

Well, he seems like a keeper to me, Germaine.

I'm very satisfied with his fat internet pipe.

Yeah, he's not the one but he's a one and that's all I need right now.

Good for you. You play the field.

Gloria Steinem d*ed for your right to do that.

Oh, and Aretha, I can report that the Monroe technique worked splendidly.

I mean, I've no idea what it did for him, but it kept me interested the whole time. Hmm. I'm maturing to a subtle muskiness.

That's funny, cos all I can smell is grilling fish fingers.

Now, Aretha, we've all got to get behind Germaine's new relationship with young TalkTalk.

Speaking of which, I've got an appointment with some mood lighting and Penelope Keith's nip slip.

See. Our forbidden love across the divide is healing the world.

I really am a Mongolio.

(Doorbell rings)

I'll get it. She'll have come for her refurbed drawers.

Right, can I have that laptop, please?

I need to Google how to add a floral note to my fragrance.

Using the internet, I am earning with my coochie.

I don't think you do recognise it, love.

These are my knickers.

Per Una. Of course.

Oh! Ah!

Tell you what. I'll chuck that lamp in for free.