02x05 - The Car Boot

All episode transcripts for the TV show, "Raised by Wolves". Aired: December 2013 to April 2016.*
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Reality based sitcom about a family who are home-educating six children in a council house in Wolverhampton, UK.
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02x05 - The Car Boot

Post by bunniefuu »



Della: Fags.

Check.



It's still not here, Mum!

Any minute now, bab. Just stay there.



It's here, Mum!

Bring it in, bab.

Della: We can handle this, Russ.

One for you, one for Grampy.

Take it to him, bab. And shut the door.

There might be some swearing in here.

Oh, that's gonna chafe.

Right, you fuckers, how much do you want from me?

You f*cking what?!

Grampy: Sounds like it's someone's time of the month.



You know, I think the magic between me and Callum is fading.

There was magic?

Sure, in the early days.

For our three-day anniversary, he gave me his jumper so I could smell him if I missed him.

Now I feel aroused whenever I smell Dreft.

Jeez, your "magic" threshold is low.

But then again, you do believe that Dynamo has actual magic powers.

One day, the world will see the truth about Dynamo!

That he's a g*dd*mn warlock and must be stopped!

Right.

As of midday, we are at w*r with the gas company.

I'm Uncle Sam, and I want you.

No, thanks, Mum.

I'm going to watch Nymphomaniac, then Nymphomaniac 2.

I want to mull over Callum whilst trying to decide if I'm a nymphomaniac or not.

No can do, Germaine.

You're an inescapable part of this family and you're going to bag up some old tat and flog it at the car boot.

You get me?

Whoa!

Now look here, Mum. I basically cost you nothing.

I illegally download all my entertainment from torrent sites.

Well, you don't download gas, do you, Germaine?

Mrs "let's whack the thermostat up a notch".

Too much for you to put on a frigging jumper, isn't it?

Do you have any idea how hard it is to find fashionable knitwear?

Put me in a jumper and I turn into the Bulkinator!

Not a good look, Mum.

You're coming too, Yoko.

I can't have you lying here all day, petal.

You're going a bit Gorillas In The Mist.

Energy conservation is good for the planet.

And I got in the bath after Grampy yesterday.

Yeah, and we all know he blows his nose into his hands when he's in there.

That is sacrifice!

I thought that was bath oil...

That's not bath oil, Yoko.

That's Grampy Oil.

Ohhh...

But, Mum, I love him!

Tell you what, if you can tell me his name, you can keep him.

Er...

There you go, old, non-specific bear! Into the bag!

Captain Sparkles!

Fine, you've saved him.

Er...

I can't allow any hesitations, deviations or repetitions, bab.

He's being liquidised.

All right, Dad. You coming to the car boot?

Had a spot of news, Del.

I too am being shoved into a big black bin-liner by an irascible woman.

Your mother's filing for divorce.

Oh, Dad.

Upstairs.

Oh!

[KIDS CHATTER]

If it makes you feel any better, I'm in an abusive relationship too.

With the gas company.

We take their sh*t because we crave what they're offering.

For you it's gas, for me it was over-cooked broccoli and cheeky afternooners.

Do you want some valerian tea?

I've got some in, if you fancy it?

[HE CHUCKLES]

No, you don't, Del. I quashed that in May.

Mr Selfridge was heavy this year.

I'll come to the car boot.

Looking at the nicky-nacky-noos might be just what I need to raise my spirits.

Only problem is, I can't fit you and all this sh*t in the car.

I'll borrow your mum's car.

It's the first Saturday of the month, she'll be in Leominster having her feet planed.

Old Mrs Wu will be carving her a new foot out of solid hoof.

What say I sneak one last go in Old Faithful?

For old time's sake.

[MUSIC BEGINS]

♪ C'mon, let's go! Let's go! ♪


♪ C'mon, let's go! Let's go! ♪

[COINS CLICKING]


♪ C'mon, let's go! Let's go! ♪

Germaine: Ugh!

Lee Rhind.

He's so last month.

Like that lumpy period I had. He's just a love-clot now.



Lee: A'right.

You can park in my, er, special MILF area.

Come closer, petal.


♪ Let's go! ♪


What you earning doing this, bab?



That's the gate.

That's a car.

Smell you later, bummers. Wah!!

I'm scared.

Don't worry, Yoko. We'll be OK.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

Car's man: Oi, ginge!

Any space down that way?

I don't know.

Why don't you drive round and have a look?

You're the one in a car! Four pound, please.

Thank you.

Yoko! Car!

[CAR HORN BLARES]

[YOKO SHRIEKS]

Right, we're going to have to go back to basics.



Come on, that's it.

Let's have yer! Don't be shy!

♪ That's money money, that's money money... ♪
♪ Watching a human fall ♪
♪ And that's only money, that's money money... ♪


Right, kids.

If you get lost, find the oldest, fattest, nanna you can and stick with her.

She won't be moving fast or far, so I'll be able to find you.

Grampy: Ah, I do love a car boot.

Takes me right back to my festival days.

That was living!

People tripping so hard they were eating their own clothes.

Happy times.

I think I'll do a circuit, Del.

See who's on at the Pyramid Stage.

Well, take it easy, Dad. You're probably in shock.

You've just had a massive bitch amputated.

Don't worry, kidder. I thrive on emotional turmoil.

No, you don't, Dad. You thrive on gammon, Aldi stout and Krackawheat.

Hey, Mum, can I take five?

I want to find Callum and make him do a series of emotional and physical challenges to impress me.

You have to give five to take five, Germaine.

It's like National Insurance. Besides, I've got plans for you.

Cathy: All right, Del!

And here she is now!

Kids: Cathy!

[FROSTILY] Catherine.

Germany.

[SHE SMOKES]

Your cousin's got a face-painting stall.

Proper little Alan Sugar, she is.

And you're going to help her.

Learn a trade!

Face-painting is not "a trade", Mum.

Making artisanal cupcakes is a trade.

Selling crocheted boot cuffs on Etsy is a trade.

Having epic thighbrow is a trade.

The day you make a friggin' cupcake, I'll concede your point.

But for now...

Here's your Snazaroo.

♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ One for the money and the free rides ♪
♪ It's two for the lies that you denied ♪
♪ All rise, all rise... ♪

How can I help you today?

Come on a second. Now, you go.

♪ It's four for the times you've been faking ♪

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]

I knew you were a jazz fan.

It's in the way you walk.

Actually, I can't stand jazz. Horrible din.

But I do love the art.

Miles Davies, man.

I always find a couple when I'm tatting around car boots.

On a good day, I average five Miles per hour.

I'm with you, darlin'. These are a few of my favourite pieces.

I'll be sad when they go, but time moves on.

I get you.

If you love something, set it free.

Um.

Wise man, that Sting.

Bit of a cock at times, but then, who isn't?

I totally dig.

Actually, I've got another line of business, if you might be interested in a little extra something?

I am always interested in a little extra something.

Then step into my boardroom.

[JAZZ CONTINUES]

Pretend I'm a car. Direct me.

Stop being a car! I don't like it.

The cars won't stop, Yoko. Direct me.

I don't want to!

Come on! Honk-honk-honk!

Direct me!

Nooooo!

Aretha: OK! I'm not a car, I'm not a car, I'm not a car!

I don't like it, Aretha!

That was good, Yoko.

You found your anger.

Anger is a fuel. Use it!

[CAR HORN HONKS]

Back off! We're talking!

See?

So, girls want butterflies or Elsa from Frozen, which is basically just painting their lips blue.

Boys want tigers or Spider-Man.

To be fair, the parents don't really care what it looks like.

They just need somewhere to dump their kids while they go to the meat auction.

Don't worry, Cathy, I think I know how to paint a face.

I've been practising contouring on Yoko for months.

I made her look exactly like a Kardashian.

It was Rob Kardashian, but I can only work with the underlying bone structure.

Blue lips and Spidermans, Germaine.

Keep it simple.

[MUSIC IN BACKGROUND]

Do you want this one?



So, child, what is your face painting vision?

Butterfly or Elsa, bab?

Elsa, please.

Germaine: Whoa! Not so fast.

I need to work out your face-shape first, see what we're working with.

Yep. As I suspected. You have a round face.

I'm not going to lie to you, kid, that's gonna make life hard.

Still, with a little shading, maybe we can carve out some features...

♪ The first cut is the deepest ♪
♪ Baby, I know... ♪

He was my best friend. £2, please.

Tell you what, you keep him, darlin'. Good luck to you.

Such a brave girl.

Aye-aye! Backstreet's back!

Della: You all right, Dad?

I've found peace, Della.

Della: Oh.

I'm letting your mum go. I'm letting it all go.

You don't need her cluttering up your life, like a f*cked-up futon.

Exactly. And now, I've got this.

It's called "Serpent". This is Grampy's Little Helper.

I bought it from a cool cat over on the jazz stall.

You can't buy weed at a car boot sale!

It's a legal high, Del. Legal.

I could blow this in a policeman's face and he couldn't touch me.

He'd just get a mellow vibe, open his heart to the universe and get on with his day.

Let's whack some tunes on, eh?

[MUSIC ON THE RADIO'S CAR]

Right! Let's get this tat shifted, yeah?



Whoop!

Eurgh, a wasp!



Nope.



Nothing there.



It's good stuff, this Serpent.



[OTHER SONG BEGINS]

Wyatt: Cheers.

You can't get enough ♪

If you think that all your time is used...

...and he was my best friend.

Thank you, sweetheart.



Wyatt, stick another quid on the total, petal.

We've made 20 hundred pounds!

"20 hundred pound"?

You and me are going to have to sit down and do a little maths lesson tomorrow.

Parking you in front of Sesame Street just isn't doing it, is it, kid?

Aretha: Right.

[SHE SIGHS]

You can do this, Yoko.

Where am I supposed to be parking, kidder?

Think about that sea turtle with a straw stuck up its nose.

How unjust that was.
[YELLING] Park there, car man.

Car's man: Chill out, cocker.

Aretha: See, Yoko?

See what anger can do, OK?

But isn't that what Darth Vader said to Luke?

Darth Vader got a lot done, Yoko. He built a Death Star. Twice.

Hi, guys! Are you on gate? I'm on gate!

Well, I'm on Number Two.

It was going great until I directed a Bedford into a Transit.

Is Germaine about?

She's on our stall, I think. Main block.

Three stalls down from the man selling second-hand sex toys.

OK.

Is your mum on your stall?

Probably. Mum is kind of...everywhere.

I'll wait here then.

[HE BREATHS LOUDLY]

Your mum is gangsta.

[TEXT ALERT]

That's Germaine.

She says that the last text I sent her was..."adonyne".

What's "adonyne" mean? It sounds like toothpaste.

Anodyne. She's saying your texts are dull.

Which is rich, given she spent 45 minutes last night describing her dream eyebrows.

Germaine is so hard to please.

No, she's not. She's an over-adrenalized simpleton.

All Germaine wants is something that might have happened on The Bachelor.

Send her the lyrics to... My Humps by The Black Eyed Peas.

She'll be happy.

Sweet.

[TEXT ALERT]



He's so right!

I do have lovely lady lumps!

He's drunk off the junk in my trunk!

Usually, he just sends me a load of aubergine emoticons and the word "brap".

But this is different.

He really "gets" me.

I'm gonna send him a sh*t of my bra strap to reward him.

Hey, man, never send real skin pics.

What if he revenge p*rn you?

Send him a hand clam instead.

Excuse me? A what?

You know. A hand clam?

A trick pic.

A finger minge?



Look.

[MUSIC IN BACKGROUND]

Wha...?

You see.

That could be my cleavage.

Or my bum.


Wow, that is really effective!

Innit?

I sent Lee a sh*t of my uncle's bald head last night and he thought it was my boob.

I have to try this!

Excuse me, Germaine, am I Elsa now?

Hey, kid, don't rush me.

I'm working against a massive obstacle here!

The obstacle being your face.

So pipe down.

How do you do a finger minge?



Right, you take this one, Yoko.

Think about a pelican drowning in oil.

[CAR SLOWS DOWN]

Hi, Aretha!

Gainfully employed in the tertiary economy, I see.

Um...

I'm conducting an informal survey on unofficial revenue streams.

Cool.

I'm looking for an Ercol chair, a set of Churchill's w*r memoirs and/or a hot dog.

So, should I not be horrible to this one?

No. Don't be horrible to this one, please.

I'll see you in class.

I warn you now, I'm gonna grill you on the Chinese slowdown.

I'll be so ready.

♪ Sia: Burn The Pages ♪

Who was that?



That was my economics teacher.



She's the most intelligent person I've ever met.



She's really pretty too.



Isn't she?

[SONG BEGINS]

Cock fan, eh?

It's a classic piece.

Would you take three quid for it?

Not in this economy, dollface. Try again.

3.50?

Tell you what.

You tickle my knackers, I'll tickle yours.

3.75.

OK.



Stella's got her groove back, kid!

I'm operating on a higher plane.

It's like I can see in their faces what they're willing to pay.

You see her?

She will give me 5.25 for that broken xylophone.

Well, go and sell it to her then, "The Car-boot Whisperer".

[GRAMPY'S STOMACH GROWLS]

Oh...

Actually, Del, turns out I've got unfinished business.

The Serpent's awoken my deepest chakra.

Time for the Portaloos, I think.

There's no bog-roll in them Portaloos, Dad.

I had to wipe Mariah down on her tights.

Never fear, I have a plan!

Your mum sent me a couple of ply this morning, remember!

They're legal documents! You need to sign those, you soft sod!

Mariah, customer.

Sending her those lyrics was a bustin' move!

She's taken things up a level.

[BREATHS LOUDLY]

She's sent me...

She's sent me...

No... I don't know what she's sent me. But it is hot.

Thanks, Aretha!

What shall I send next?

Aretha: I'm a bit busy.

You might have to woo Dr Strangelove on your own. Right.

Come on, Yoko.

Think about how the emissions from that car are causing the polar ice caps to melt.



Starving polar bears, Yoko. Polar bears.

♪ You gotta jump... ♪

Hey, kidder. How about I give you two quid, you wave me in and you don't tell your gaffer?

Yoko: Is that a bribe?

Are you trying to bribe me?!

Yes, he is, Yoko.

How do you feel about that?

That's wrong, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Oi, chill out, copper nob! It's cheap entry to a car boot, not extraordinary rendition.

I don't think I'm going to let you in.



Sorry.


♪ She cried to the southern wind ♪
♪ About a love that was sure to end... ♪

[TEXT ALERT]

♪ Every dream in her heart was gone... ♪

Tah!

Yeah, he's so right!

I never am knowingly undersold.

I think he's maybe just reading stuff off the side of vans now, Germaine.

So, I've done elbow cleavage, toe gap and finger-gina What next? I'm running out of rude.

Well, you could do some earhole action.

Take it to the next level.

Of course!

Earhole action!

Little girl: Germaine. Am I Elsa now?

Oh, yeah, yeah. You're done.

Oh, I didn't do you as Elsa, in the end.

Turns out I don't actually know what she looks like.

Instead, I did you as someone better.

I don't like it...

What have you done to her face, man?

She's a later years Elizabeth Taylor, obviously!

I mean, ideally, she'd be wearing a muu-muu and accessorised with a drunk Richard Burton, but you know, you can only work with what you've got.

Mummy!

Hey, kid, what is your problem?

Elizabeth Taylor is an icon!

An icon!

What a bitch!

Ah, God bless the car boot.

Stick any old sh*t on a trestle table and someone will buy it.

Who'd've thought there'd be demand for half a bag of cat litter, a single moonboot and a knackered mini-fridge?

Woman: Excuse me.

Are you this girl's mother?

I'm not very happy about what she's done to my daughter's face.

Er, man! The real crime here is what you did to her face.

You gave her that chin!

Er, zip it, Germaine.

Let's work something out here, bab.

I want my money back.

Della: I see.

Well, I'm sorry, bab, but lacklustre customer service is what this country is all about.

Doing a shitty job and charging you up the wazoo for it is a basic human right.

That's capitalism.

This is outrageous!

Welcome to Cameron's Britain, love.

I'm going to find security. This isn't over!

Right, pack up the unsold tat! We're out of here!

I don't need car boot security on my ass.

But what about Grampy?

Don't you worry about your old Grampy. He's got 25 quid in loose change and a kilo of Serpent and he ain't too proud to sleep in a bush.

He'll be just dandy.



Della: Pack quicker!

Anyone not in the car in ten seconds gets left behind.



Aaaah.

Don't do it to yourself, laddie.

I've just let out 35 years of pain in there.

You get me?

I'd find a bush if I were you.



[MULTIPLE CAR HORNS HONKS]

Check it out! I'm live streaming this on Periscope, and someone's live streaming me live streaming it!

This is amazing! [HE LAUGHS]

We did that.

No, Yoko.

You did that.

These are your tailbacks.

Get in. We're leaving.

Yoko, evac!

Germaine: Callum! Callum!!

Callum! Callum!



Callum!


♪ Put me on a pedestal, I'll only disappoint you ♪

Della: Chill out, Bonnie and Clyde!

♪ Tell me I'm exceptional, I promise to exploit you ♪


That was a great car boot, Mum. I've unlocked Callum's poetic side.

Our relationship is on a whole new level now!

[ARETHA SNORTS]

You idiot.

I told him to look up lyrics on the internet and send them to you and it totally worked.

I did a Cyrano de Bergerac on you.

You Bergerac'd me?

Yeah.

Classic Bergerac.

Now I know it was you behind this whole thing, I'm even more aroused.

Germaine!

Sure, you say it was a joke, but I know the truth.

You find me fascinating. Of course you do.

You want in on the Germaine pie. I get that.

I am a rich and meaty dish.

Welcome to our relationship, Aretha.

♪ Le Tigre: Deceptacon

I can give you my number if you fancy meeting up again.

It's up to you. No pressure, Chief.

[SHE SNIFFS]

What happens at the car boot stays at the car boot.

[SALESMAN SCREAMS IN BACKGROUND]

I can go with that.

I'll tell you what.

It's bloody good stuff, this Serpent.

I'm tripping balls, here.

I can see a tiny, sobbing Elizabeth Taylor over there being interviewed by a policeman.

[HE SIGHS]

I bloody love divorce!

Spaceman
I always wanted you to go into space, man

[SPEAKERWOMAN PROMOTES PROGRAM]
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