02x06 - Dean Man's Caravan

[SUCKS UP LOUDLY THROUGH A STRAW]

[STILL LOUDLY]

No more liquids today. I want you all dry inside.

Why?

Mummy here has been at work 70% of her waking hours for the last six months.

She's paid a massive gas bill, avoided Germaine reproducing and treated you all for fleas without you even knowing.

So... because I am frigging worth it, we are having a holiday.

All: Yeah!

[CRASH] Ooh!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

[DELLA SIGHS]

This is gonna be amazing.

I haven't had a holiday since I thought we had poltergeist and I slept in the garden.

Urgh!

Urgh!

Right.

These won't fit so you're going to have to wear them.

Della: Er.

Germaine: Hey, Mum, where are we staying?

Is it an Airbnb?

I've always dreamt of staying in the sea-side house of a fabulous gay couple.

We'd strike up a friendship over e-mail and then they'd adopt me, like two Daddy Warbuckses...

We're staying in Grampy's mate's caravan.

Germaine: Oh!

What? A caravan! Then can I bring Callum for entertainment?

This is a golden time in our relationship.

I've finally persuaded him to let me squeeze the blackheads on his face.

Sorry, Germaine, no extra passengers.

I don't have space for the frigging winter coats, so if I didn't give birth to it, it's not getting in that car.

And since none of you friggers finished last night's Bombay mix stew, that's coming too.

Aretha: Oh.

I'm so glad I'm missing Ruby's quantitative easing lecture to eat déjà vu stew in a caravan.

[CAR HORNS]

[MUSIC BLARES FROM THE CAR]

Check this out!

It's the car I've always wanted.

All I need now is that Leona Lewis in the passenger seat and I'm living the dream!

What the frig? You can't afford this.

You're absolutely right, Della.

But Ken Foster from the Pendeford Garage set me up with a payment plan.

The man from Del Monte said yes!

[HE SPITS]

She's my pride and joy.

Dad, the interest rate's 38%. That's some expensive joy.

I'm only gonna get divorced once in my life, Della.

I'm not Zsa Zsa Gabor.

So I decided to seize the Daewoo... [HE CHUCKLES]

Hey? Seize the Daewoo. Seize the Daewoo, Della...

[HE CHUCKLES]

Hey, we can call it the Grampymobile!

Grampy: Excuse me.

This is not a Grampymobile.

I'm single now and loving it.

This is a shagging wagon.

Right, you're the keeper of the humbugs, Yoko.

When I say humbug, you humbug me. And quickly.

A moment's distraction at the speed the shagging wagon goes and whammo, straight into the back of an arctic.

Do you want an exhaust pipe through your gullet? Do you?

[MULTIPLE CAR DOORS SHUT]

This car does not stop till Borth.

No-one is getting out to piss on the hard-shoulder, you get me?

All: OK, Mum.

[BABY CRIES]

Not you, bab.

You can piss when you like.

♪ Tina Turner: Steamy Windows

The radio blasting in the front seat
Turning out the music fine
We was snuggled in the back seat

[GRAMPY'S CAR HORNS]

Steamy windows

Zero visibility...

They're beating us, Mum!

Don't worry. We'll catch him.

He's got engine power and a sat nav but with his prostate he'll need a wazz at Welshpool.

(They sing): ♪ Oh oh oh
Go totally crazy Forget I'm a lady
Men's shirts, short skirts
Oh oh oh...

Humbug!

[TEXT ALERT]

Doin' it in style
Oh, oh, oh, get in the action...

Callum just dumped me!

Grampy: Oh, give me a break.

I can't be doing with downers in the shagging wagon, Germaine.

If I wanted an air of depression I'd have bought a Daihatsu.

How can he dump me?

It's against the natural order.

[SCREAMING] In that picture of the monkeys evolving in a line, he's about three in and I'm the dude at the end who's got it together to be a human.

And monkey three does not dump human dude!

Grampy! You got stew all over me!

Oi, mind my interior! That's real imitation leather, that.

Here, Aretha. You have the stew.

That's heartbreak stew and I don't want it.

Is the prerogative to have a little fun...

Grampy: Stop titting about, Germaine. Your mum's gaining on us here.

Come on look me in the eye
You wanna try to tell a lie
I'll bet you can't and you know why?
I'm just like your mother

I'm coming for you, you old sod.

[TRAFFIC NOISES]

♪ Harry Nilsson: Without You No, I can't forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving...

I'm not happy about your music choice, Germaine.

This miserable bollocks is gonna be putting drag on the car.

Suck it up, Grampy.

If I'm not allowed to talk about my feelings, whoever this dude is will have to do it for me.

Oh, come on! Who's this silly tart crossing at the last minute?

Yoko: Isn't that your teacher, Aretha?

The one you said had the logic of Wittgenstein and the vision of George Orwell?

[SONG CONTINUES]

Affirmative. That is she.

Grampy: Oh, lives in Telford does she?

Very lah-de-dah.

When I think of all my sorrow
When I had you there, but then I let you go
And now it's only fair that I should let you know...

Yeah. Enjoy it while it lasts.

He'll betray you in a heartbeat.

[CAR STARTS]

[STEW SPLASHS HER]

I can't live...

It appears I've heartbreak stew on me, too.

...without you

Kids: Yeah!

Oh, great.

Now Ride Of The bleeding Valkyries has overtaken me.

Humbug!

...anymore
I can't live...

We're about to cross into Wales, kiddos.

Kids: Yeah!

If you talk to anyone local, tell them your great-grandma was born in Caernarvon.

I'm not having anyone being overcharged for Curly Wurlys.

All: OK, Mum.

♪ Utah Saints: Something Good '08
Ooh...
I know that something good
Is gonna happen
Ooh...

Yoko: This is going to be awesome.

Like a nature documentary but without Germaine listing the animals she fancies.

Hey, I'm single and I'm looking.

Watch out, animals!

See that woodland?

They used to do badger baiting there in the old days.

Grampy, no! Not the badgers.

Grampy: Ah, no, don't you worry about the badgers, Yoko.

They've got Bryan May now.

Oh, Dad, I beat you.

I told you the Shrewsbury bypass would see me right.

Yeah, well, I had misery guts Germaine here holding me back.

I'd like to see Clarkson get up to 50 with all this sh1t going on.

It's like being on tour with the Nolan Sisters.

Callum dumped me, Mum!

Yeah. You've got some serious mothering to do there.

Woman's work, that.

Right, let's see what Deano left us.

[KEYS CLICKING]

I hope he turned the gas off.

So go on, then. What happened?

Him: "Wassup?". Me: "On hols".

Him: "K". Me: "U got my jmpr?"

Germaine: Him...

Skip to the actual dumping, eh, petal?

[SEAGULLS IN DISTANCE]

[TAPS ON HER PHONE]

[TAPS LOUDLY]

Him: "Lz chat whn U bk".

Me: "Wht abt?"

Him: "It R nt wkg".

Me: "WTF?"

Him: Apologetic faced panda.

Me: Confused face panda...

Stop now, I get the picture.

You called it, Mum.

You said he was a prat.

Yeah, but... he was your prat.

And you never forget your first prat.

[TAPS ON HER BACK]

What do I do now?

Well, if you weren't underage I'd buy you a bottle of Malibu, let you sob it out, hold your hair out of the bog while you did your coconutty sicks and put you to bed with a bucket.

But I can't do that, so we'll have to think of something else.

[DRAWS SMOKE]

Tell you what.

How about you get first dibs on the oven chips, I buy you half a day of Wi-Fi and put Aretha in charge of emptying the chemical toilet?

[DOOR SLAMS]

That all right with you, Aretha? Bit of sisterly solidarity?

Sure. I've had the heartbreak stew.

Only fitting I get the heartbreak poo.

[GRAMPY SNIFFS]

It needs an airing, I grant you.

Did Deano have pets?

Aye, he was what you'd call a woodsman.

Imagine that Aragorn but with raging alcoholism and a goiter.

Ah, he kept a good cellar, did Deano.

Did Deano kill that badger?

Grampy: Yep.

Ringleader of the baiting crew, he was.

[OPENS A CAN]

Sometimes he'd fight them himself.

I don't think I like Deano.

Don't speak ill of the dead, Yoko.

Deano's dead?

Grampy: Yep.

As far as his bar tab at the Red Lion is concerned, anyway.

Great, we're in a dead man's caravan.

To Deano.

[SEAGULLS IN DISTANCE]

[YOKO SIGHS]

Oh, Yoko.

Even your face being level with my groin isn't cheering me.

[A DOOR OPENS]

Grampy: First bang on that toilet! That Banks' has gone right through me.

These walls are so thin. It's like being inside Grampy's urethra.

Grampy: You wouldn't be the first. [HE CHUCKLES]

Oooh... [HE FARTS] There's the brass section.

[SEAGULLS IN DISTANCE]

Right, then.

Let's get this holiday started.

♪ James Brown: I Got The Feelin'
Aah aah aah!
I got the feeling
Baby, baby
I got the feeling
Hey!
Alright!
Ow...
Hey...

Wyatt: Mum!

Ten seconds, bab.

[GULPS]

Aaah...

[SEAGULLS IN DISTANCE]

There. I've had my holiday. What is it, my boy?

Look at this.

Now we're talking. Pass that to Mummy, petal.

Pump action. Double firing. 1.5 liter tank. 3m range.

Nice piece.

[LOADS THE GUN]

Another thing I won't miss about Callum is how he would always fall asleep during Mr Selfridge.

It's like he didn't care about the challenges of early visual merchandising.

These mattresses are basically Ryvitas.

Aretha, I am nobly holidaying through the pain, the least you can do is make the best of it.

You're not the one on chemical toilet duty.

I'm dealing with dead Deano's aftermath out there.

Well, I'm coming to terms with the end of a nine-week relationship.

And if you had any feelings at all you'd know that's far worse than what an old man left in a chemical toilet.

Oh, I see... so I don't have any feelings?

No, you don't.

[INSECT BUZZES]

Oh, guys! Look!

[BUZZING GETS LOUDER]

Urgh!

Wasp!

[TAPS]

Urgh!

Germaine!

[STILL TAPS]

That was a cuckoo bumblebee! They're really rare!

Well, it's even rarer now. No need to thank me.

Will everyone just stop killing everything?

Aaargh!

[CRASH]

Grampy: Oi!

You prats!

I'm trying to get my Lanzarote on in here.

I'm going to the beach and you can't stop me.

Wow.

Yoko has finally gone loco.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

Dance for Mummy, petal.

[SHE SHOOTS]

Argh! Argh!

[SHOTS CONTINUE]

[SHE LAUGHS]

[DELLA LAUGHS]

[GRAMPY SIGHS]

Breathe in that sea air, Del!

Ah!

This is the life, eh!

Whoo... aah.

[MOBILE PHONE RINGS]

Oh...

Trouble?

Ken Foster wants his first shagging wagon repayment.

Go on, top your hat up, bab.

I thought he'd give me a month to get my ducks in a row, but Mr Foster does not piss around.

Well, you don't get to be the premier used car dealer in Pendeford without squeezing a few balls.

I can't pay him. I'm broke.

I've pissed it all away on high grade chronic and Loose Women DVDs.

Sounds like you're spiralling, Dad.

Yeah, you're right.

I've not been thinking straight.

I'm wondering if I might be having a breakdown, Del.

I've been trying to distract myself with this playboy lifestyle.

The shagging wagon and cans of cold Banks'.

But my house of cards has come crashing down.

What am I going to do?

Well.

For you I'd prescribe half a bottle of cheap whiskey, a dirty lasagne, two episodes of The Sweeney and an early night.

How does that sound?

Sounds good, Del.

And we'll sort out this car business in the morning.

Don't worry, Dad. You'll be all right.

Aye. I guess I've got myself out of worse scrapes than this.

Like that time they tried to do me for Keith Moon's death.

[HE SIGHS]

[MELANCHOLIC MUSIC]

Look at what did you did, Germaine.

You've needlessly crushed a small innocent creature.

And that bee.

How was I to know it was a good insect instead of a bad insect?

I'm not an entymologist.

Let's go and find her before she decides to swim off to live with the orcas.

I doubt she's even made it to the beach.

Given her sense of direction she's probably just walking round and round the shagging wagon, crying.

Following the Dalai Lama on Twitter really has opened up your heart, hasn't it?

Come on.

♪ Mice Parade: Double Dolphins On The Nickel

[SEAGULLS IN DISTANCE]

Uh uh uh...

Uh...

Germaine: Yoko! Yoko!

Aretha: Yoko! Yokes!

Yoko!

Germaine, look properly.

She's not going to be under a log. She's not a salamander.

Shut up, Aretha.

It's all right for you, walking around making bitchy comments about everything like Simon Schama in his cagoule.

Oh, it's all right for me?

[YELLING] Look at me, Germaine. Look at me!

Do I look happy?

[WIND NOISE]

[SEA IN DISTANCE]

Germaine: No.

You look red-faced... and angry.

And kind of sad.

There. You got it. Bingo.

Why are you sad?

I'm sad for the same reason you are.

Wait. You were in love with Callum too?

[SCREAMING] You bitch!

I wasn't in love with Callum!

So who were you in love with then?

It doesn't matter now anyway.

It wasn't even love.

It was just... a confusing combination of respect and a shared appreciation for a Channel 4 economics correspondent.

Come on... tell me.

I'd really like to know.

Yeah, I bet you would.

But I'm not going to tell you.

What I will tell you is I feel sh1t too.

Does that help?

You know, it does, yeah.

I guess even Simon Schama hurts sometimes.

Come on.

[GERMAINE GASPS]

Wait. Were you in love with Grampy?

Germaine!

I dunno. We don't really know anyone else.

And he is kind of spiffing in those shorts.

Germaine!

OK! Sorry.

Hey, Aretha. I tell you what, I have got sand in my vajajay.

And I like it.

Uh uh uh...

Both: Yoko! Yoko! Yoko!

[SONG CONTINUES]

Dad!

You came!

I had to.

You sent me literally the most dramatic text message I've ever had.

You could have been more specific about where you were though.

"Crying on a beach" didn't give me a lot to work with.

[SEAGULLS IN DISTANCE]

You tell me all about it, I'll sort it out.

Can you sort out the environment?

Jesus, that's a biggie.

We're killing everything, Dad.

Sean: You're right, Yoko.

We're paving paradise to put up a Tesco Express.

And everyone's just drinking the Yop and looking the other way.

But... the good news is we're also wiping ourselves out.

When mankind finally buggers it up and there's only ten of us left living in caves in Kinver, some other species will rise up and have a go.

And they'll probably be better at it.

Maybe the penguins will take over.

I reckon they'd run a benign regime.

I love penguins.

[SMACKS HIS LIPS]

And I think the penguins will love you too, Yoko.

[SHE SNIFFS]

♪ Led Zeppelin: Ramble On

[SHE GASPS]

Yoko! Germaine! Aretha!

Leaves are falling all around
It's time I was on my way
Thanks to you
I'm much obliged
for such a pleasant stay
Ramble On!
And now's the time, the time is now
To sing my song

[TAPS RHYTHMICALLY ON BUCKET]

Oh, Ramble On!

[SHE LOADS]

Don't shoot.

Yoko summoned Dad here from Wolvo, Mum. And she punched a wall.

If she threw wine in someone's face, she'd be a full-on diva.

Sean: We're having a great time. They made the fire.

I taught them how to rub two sticks together and how to give up on sticks and buy a lighter from Costcutter.

And I've solved my shagging wagon problem, Del.

Sean's gonna take her back, tell Ken Foster I'm dead and cancel the direct debit.

[HE CHUCKLES]

Mr Foster might want to see a body but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Oh, and Mum, I'm totally over Callum.

He's not the Richard Burton to my Elizabeth Taylor after all.

He's the Michael Jackson to my Elizabeth Taylor.

You know, just some dude with a monkey.

Speak that truth, Germaine.

Yeah, all right, Oprah Himfrey.

Enough of this jibber-jabber.

[YELLING] Let's get drunk for Deano!

To Deano!

All: To Deano!

Deano! Deano! Deano!

(They chant): Deano, Deano, Deano!

♪ Miley Cyrus: Party In The USA
Like who's that chick that's rockin' kicks
She's gotta be from out of town
So hard with my girls not around me
It's definitely not a Nashville party
'Cause all I see are stilettos
I guess I never got the memo
So I put my hands up, they're playin' my song
The butterflies fly away
I'm noddin' my head like Yeah!
Movin' my hips like Yeah!
Got my hands up, they're playin' my song
And now I'm gonna be okay
Yeah!
It's a party in the USA!
Yeah!
It's a party in the USA!
Got my hands up, they're playin' my song
The butterflies fly away
Yeah!
It's a party in the USA!

[SOMEONE'S SNORING]

Goodnight, Yoko.

Goodnight, Aretha.

Goodnight, Germaine.

[SNORING CONTINUES]

Seriously, we have got to tell Grampy about his sleep apnea.

[SNORING]

He literally stopped breathing then.

Yoko: Night, night, Grampy. Sweet dreams.

[HE SNORES]

[WIND NOISE]

[SEA IN DISTANCE]

Sean: It's nice here, isn't it?

If you like midges, Costcutters and not being able to pronounce place names.

I've got a job.

On another rig.

Thank Christ!

I don't have to take it, though.

We could stay here.

You in the caravan, me... in a hut in the woods.

I could chop wood with my top off like Poldark.

Take the job, Sean.

When the oil runs out, George Osborne declares martial law and they start clearing the estates with drones, then we can move to the woods.

When that happens, I'll come and find you.

Even if I have to fight my way through the Jobcentre terminators and turn up with a gangrenous leg and half my face missing.

I know you will, mate.

Though, to be fair, you wouldn't take the bin out when you had a sprained ankle.

You'd put me out of my misery if I needed it, wouldn't you?

I don't want to be that guy, festering in the corner while everyone else is getting on with sh1t.

Don't worry.

I will smash your head in a blunt instrument when your time comes.

Actually, I think about you whenever I see a suitably sized stone.

Bagsie I get to choose the middle name this time.

What about Penguin?

♪ Cher: Gypsies, Tramps And Thieves
Gypsies, Tramps And Thieves...