01x02 - Weird Dance

[bunniefuu]

(grumbles)

Oh, God!

Hey, sleepyhead. (chuckles)

(groans)

How long you been staring at me?

Mm, about an hour.

(groans)

Hey, what were you dreaming about?

Plummeting into an abyss. Same as usual.

I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm used to coming in here to wake up Pop every morning.

You know? He'd be laying right there, right where you are, scratching all over 'cause of his skin thing. (chuckles)

I'd tell him, "Pop, don't scratch, you know?

You got to let that scab over."

But guess what, he'd keep digging.

You know what, you have a good cry.

I'm gonna go boil myself.

(chuckles)

Nice setup. What, do you clean deer in here?

(chuckles) You're crazy. Uh, no.

(water running)

You know, I used to sing to Pop when he was in the shower. (chuckles)

Would, uh... would you... would you want me to sing to you?

"Pobudka"?

(singing in Polish)

(both singing in Polish)

Coffee. Can you get me a coffee?

(chanting in Sanskrit)

Caryn: Hey, new roomie.

What you doing? You... chanting something there?

It's a Buddhist prayer, that all beings should be happy and free of suffering.

Oh, my God, I love that. Can I try?

Um, sure.

Okay.

Oh. (scoffs)

I'm sore from my pole dancing class.

Ready?

Mm-hmm.

Lokah...

Lokah...

Samastah... Samastah...

Sukhino... (humming)

Bhavantu...

Ba-ba-bum.

(phone ringing and buzzing)

Lokah... Lokah...

Samastah...

Lokah...

No, we've moved on to samastah.

Banana.

Okay, just take the call.

(groans) Hey, Nana.

I can finally die happy.

Oh, great.

Why is that, exactly?

Your mother told me.

You're marrying that doctor fella.

(grunts) Damn it.

I forgot to tell my mom I broke it off with Howard last night.

So, when are you gonna bring the man to Florida?

I need to meet him before I die.

Which, according to my latest CAT scan, should've been yesterday.

Aw. Um, Nana, can I call you right back?

Caryn?

Just keep going with the serenity thing.

I have to go rip my mom a new one.

What are you trying to do here, Caryn?

You trying to k*ll your grandmother?

No, Ma, of course I don't want to hurt Nana, but I just, I can't marry Howard.

There's no passion.

Again with the passion.

Caryn, do you think I don't want to push your father in front of the seven train every single day of my life?

But I don't push!

That's the passion in the not pushing.

Cousin Stosh?

What?

Hey.

There is a scary woman on our front stoop.

She says she's looking for, um, "that lying bastard who won't return my calls."

Any idea who that could be?

Does she have a crossbow?

Crossbow?

Yes.

Yeah?

Okay, come on, come on. We got to go.

You know, she's, uh, she's pretty good with that thing, too, you know.

Almost made the '04 Olympic team, but apparently it was very political. Coach had his favorites.

Woman: Stosh, I know you're up there, you son of a bitch!

All right, I'm gonna be next door.

This is what I need you to do for me.

I need you to get my two-button slim cut Periyali suit, my Marcel Sarenti wingtips, Stosh!

... black socks, white undershirt, slate gray dress shirt, Fabienne blue tie.

You know what, Zenito pink tie.

Stosh!

Actually, just get all my ties.

All right, fine, Miss Head in the Clouds, romance unicorn person.

You just keep waiting for the perfect guy to just fall from the sky.

(groans)

How did you get in here?

You got some clothes I can borrow?

Is that Howard?

No, get out of my house.

Help me out here, help me out.

Who's there?

Hello?

Bottom drawer's the fat drawer.

Hello, Caryn?

Look, Ma, I got to go.

Can you please just call Nana and tell her?

Uh-uh.

This is your mess.

You get on a plane to Florida, you rent a sensible car, and you drive to Golden Meadows and rip your grandmother's heart out in person.

You're overdue for a visit anyway.

Fine.

Bye.

I'm keeping these till you get fat again.

Two!

English.

New reservat... Nope.

No, you robot idiot.

New reservation.

Oh.

Oh, good, good, good. Thank you.

Rambo still out there?

(chuckles) No.

She had spin class.

(sighs) Hey, how'd she know where to find you, anyway?

You know, I'm pretty sure she did something to my phone.

My GPS keeps trying to steer me into oncoming traffic.

So, what do you want to do today, Cousin Stosh?

You want to hang out just me and you, the men?

You know, I got kind of a big meeting today.

How about, uh, tomorrow?

Tomorrow's, uh, tomorrow is really up in the air.

It's just, you had said yesterday you were moving in to keep me company now that Pop was gone.

Yeah, absolutely.

So, just, uh, maybe sometime next week.

You know, I'm starting to feel a little bit smothered.

So, on that return flight, do you think I could have a window seat?

A middle seat it is. Perfect.

And yes, yes, I will hold again.

This is going to be a fun trip to Golden Meadows tomorrow.

"Oh, what's that, Nana?

What's the one thing you said would give you eternal peace and happiness?

Well, it ain't gonna happen."

Should I just marry the guy?

And this one...

Caryn: Howard!

(knocks) Hi.

Hi. He knows me.

Caryn, what are you doing here?

I told the nurse it was urgent because it is.

Howard, it really is.

(sighs) Okay, what is it?

Okay, so tomorrow I am getting on a plane to go see Nana in Florida at her nursing home, and I want you to come with me.

That's right, I want you to come with me, and I want you to stand next to me at her bedside and say, "Nana, Caryn and I are getting married."

Wait, are... are you saying you've changed your mind?

You do want to get married?

That is definitely one option.

I love that option.

But here's the thing, the world tries to put people in a box.

It tries to say you're either married or you're not married, and you know what I say? Screw that noise.

I say, let's fly to Florida together, tell Nana we're getting married and just let our hearts decide what's next.

Maybe we do get married.

Maybe we go to dinner once a month while we date other people.

Maybe we only date other people.

I don't know.

So, if you're with me, let's go to Florida.

Caryn.

Are you coming to Florida?

I am examining moles. Please leave.

Leave.

Okay, okay.

Hey, neighbor.

What you doing?

Ah, just k*lling time till my shift starts.

In an hour, it'll be 13 hours to go.

How'd you spend your days before?

You know, I'd just hang out with my dad.

He... he used to call me his, uh, glupie kozy.

Aw, what does that mean?

Stupid goat.

And here come the waterworks.

Oh, Eric.

(groans)

Aw.

What would put a smile on your face, huh?

A balloon?

A zebra with a hat?

That's really not my thing.

I'm sorry.

Honestly, I just wish I could talk to my pop.

You know, just one last time.

But... that'll never happen.

(chanting): Spirit of Eric's father, please honor us with your presence.

This is dumb.

And I'm not supposed to have pillows on the floor.

Spirit of Eric's father, please honor us with your presence.

Eric, he's here.

You may speak to him now, and he'll respond through me.

Oh, yeah, okay.

I'm gonna talk to my dead father.

Right.

Um... good morning, Pop.

He says...

"Good morning, Eric."

Whoa!

He used to say that!

Okay.

Um, okay.

(whimpers)

Pop, Pop, I can't believe it's really you.

Yeah, just believe it.

So, what is it you wanted to say to me, son?

Oh, crap.

My mind is totally blanking right now.

It's just, it's like calling in to WFAN, and they're like, "Uh, "uh, you're on the air with your dead father. What's your question?"

And it's like, I can't... I can't... I am sweating so bad.

Oh, thank God for the Mennen.

♪ By Mennen. ♪

Meter's running, son.

What is the one thing you wanted to say to me?

I got it.

Pop, what shade of white did you want to paint the laundry room?

(sighs) How much longer?

As I said, he's in a meeting, and it will probably be a while.

Stosh: Hey, Tony!

Hi, Stosh, hey.

Listen, I'm right in the middle of something. I got to hit the head.

I'll walk with you. How you been?

Oh, oh.

Okay, okay.

Oh, my.

So here's the deal.

I am leaving Sunny Smile.

And word hasn't hit the street yet, but since you and I are tight, I thought I'd come to you first.

So, what do you say?

You want to snap up the competitor's top sales rep nine years running?

When do I start?

Everyone knows you got fired, Stosh.

The word's out on you, man.

(chuckles) At your age, still making a sport of sleeping with other guys' wives and girlfriends?

(chuckles) I mean, come on, man.

Well, Tony, take it easy.

I don't know what you're talking about.

No? What about last month when you drilled Valdivia's wife dressed as a member of Blue Man Group?

What... about it? What about it?

No one's gonna hire you, pal.

It's over.

(clicks tongue) Finito.

Well, apparently what happens in Vegas does not stay in Vegas.

So, Navajo and tusk are both solid choices...

Mm-hmm.

... but I think you might be happier with Calla Lily.

What do you think, Pop?

Zara: I have always loved Calla Lily, son.

You have?

Yeah.

I'm learning so much about you today, Pop.

Calla Lily it is.

Great choice.

Okay, son.

Great reconnecting with you.

You take care.

Wh...

Pop, where you going?

I have to get back.

Today is actually Dead Person's Christmas.

It's starting to feel like old times again.

Why stop now?

♪ My boy lollipop ♪
♪ You make my heart go giddy up ♪
♪ You are as sweet as candy ♪
♪ You are my sugar dandy ♪

Zara: Whoa... whoa, whoa, whoa!

♪ Oh, my boy lollipop ♪
♪ Never, ever leave me ♪
♪ Because it would grieve me... ♪

That's my dad.

Weatherman: And it's now confirmed that Hurricane Lauren will miss the Atlantic coast of Florida.

Air traffic will proceed normally and thousands of homes will be spared.

Ugh! Damn it.

(knocking at door)

What... ?

You don't want people to come in, lock your door. Have you seen the rest of my ties that Eric brought down here?

You know you don't live here, right?

They were right here.

I left 'em on the couch. Where the hell are they?

I don't know! What is your problem?

What is my problem?

You want to know what my problem is?

It could not have been a more rhetorical question.

All these yahoos in my business have turned on me.

You know?

Suddenly, I have a "reputation" for boning other guys' wives and girlfriends.

I can't even get a job.

I thought you had a job.

I did.

I got fired for boning a guy's girlfriend.

But it's the hypocrisy that gets me, you know?

I mean, they all do it!

And if they don't do it, they want to do it.

But that's very different.

It's not different at all.

Uh, wanting to bone someone's girlfriend and actually doing it are two very different things.

Why don't you audit a Sunday School class?

They'll go over that with you.

Okay, you know what? Back off.

You asked me what my problem was, and I told you.

Okay.

I'm sorry you got fired for boning someone's girlfriend and I'm sorry that you got an unfair reputation for boning people's girlfriends.

Thank you.

You know, if it makes you feel any better, I had a reallyy crappy day, too.

I asked Howard to fly to Florida with me to lie to Grandma about getting married and he said no.

Who would say no to something like that?

Right? Ugh...

Poor Nana.

All she ever wanted was to see me happy.

Guess she just dreamed too big.

You two are pretty close, huh?

Oh, yeah.

When kids would make fun of me about being adopted, she used to come out in her muumuu and chuck stale bagels at 'em.

Made me feel so safe.

Kids are such dicks.

Right?

And so sticky.

You know, it makes me happy to think that someone was there, taking care of you.

You deserve it.

Really?

Yeah.

You do. You're one of the good ones, Goldfarb.

I have yogurt in my mouth.

I know, I like it. I like it.

No... Dude, are you serious with this?

I was opening up to you.

I was sharing my feelings with you.

Yeah, I thought that part was over.

I assumed the rest was leading up to the dance.

You know, the thing...

No!

You know, for half a second, I thought you were someone I could actually talk to.

But no.

There is a reason that people don't hire you and that people come after you with crossbows.

It's because you're a selfish, crass, womanizing pig.

Womanizing pig. Yes! Yes!

And, and you are incapable of being nice to people unless there's something in it for you.

Disgusting!

You know what?

Have fun tomorrow at Golden Showers.

It's Golden Meadows!

Whatever.

Caryn: Nana!

Hi! There you are, my baby girl!

Come here, sweetheart!

How long has it been? A year?

A year? No.

No, it's been three months, I think.

Eight months, I think.

Nana, no.

Four, five months, tops.

You had the bangs.

Can we just call it six months?

How are you?

How could I be but wonderful, since my darling girl has finally found love with an appropriate man?

Oh...

So where is he?

Uh...

(laughs)

Where is he?

Nana, here's the thing...

Wow!

It is not easy to park in this place.

Let's just hope nobody needs an ambulance in the next half hour.

(Stosh chuckles)

Nana.

Even more lovely than Caryn described you.

Come here.

How are you?

I am Howard Blatt.

Or, as I like to refer to myself, "the luckiest man in the world."

So what kind of a doctor are you?

Gyno.

I'm a... gyno guy.

Announcer: There's the wind-up and there's the pitch!

Strike three!

And the Mets lose another heartbreaker!

Ah...

Well, want to go stretch our legs before the second game of the doubleheader?

There's another game?

Are you kidding me? No!

(as Pop): No...

No, I really have to go now, Eric.

What are you talking about?

We gotta paint the laundry room tomorrow.

Eric, it is not healthy for a grown man to spend this much time with his dead father.

Yeah, I know.

I've enjoyed being with you so much, I just didn't want it to end.

But you're right.

It's time to say good-bye.

Yes, it is, son.

At least this time I actually get to say it, though, huh?

Good-bye, Pop.

I love you.

I love you, too.

I'll always be with you.

Good-bye, son.

Come here.

Oh, Pop, you smell so good...

Whoa, okay!

Hey, okay! Zara's back!

Uh, hope that helped, Eric! I'll catch you later.

Zara!

You're back?

If that is not great timing!

Second game of the doubleheader's about to start.

Sit down!

I have had the craziest day!

(laughs)

You're not gonna believe it!

So, typical year, depending on how many surgeries I do, it's usually in the, um... high sixes, low seven figures.

Before taxes?

Nana, come on, after.

Okay, Nana, I think that's enough questions for now.

Shut up. I just want to know you're gonna be taken care of.

Actually, Nana, I'm kind of hoping that your granddaughter and I can help take care of each other.

She's a lousy cook, if that's what you mean.

Undeniably. Her food is terrible.

(laughs) But no, that's... that's not what I mean.

Um...

You know, since the day Caryn and I met, it's been a... pretty bumpy ride.

You know, we're both opinionated, stubborn, pain-in-the-ass people.

Sometimes we... we really bring out the worst in each other.

Sometimes... we really hurt each other's feelings.

It's scary, you know?

When a person can somehow see what's going on inside you.

But, when things get really rough between us, we just like to play this song...

♪ Darling ♪

... be together in the same space for a few minutes...

♪ Oh ♪

... and dance.

♪ When we get married ♪
♪ We will have a big celebration ♪
♪ Send invitations ♪
♪ To all our friends and relations ♪
♪ We'll have a ball ♪
♪ Dancing and all ♪
♪ When we get married ♪
♪ When the bells ring ♪
♪ And tell the world ♪
♪ I'm taking your hand ♪
♪ Folks from all over ♪
♪ Will come to see the wedding we planned ♪
♪ We'll have a ball ♪

And it's good.

♪ Dancing and all ♪
♪ When we get married... ♪

Nana...

What a pleasure it was to meet you.

Thank you.

(chuckles)

I'll give you guys a few minutes alone.

I'll be in the hall waiting.

Lovely boy.

Don't screw it up.

Uh...

Excuse me?

Did you see a guy come out of this room a couple minutes ago?

Uh, yes. He drove away.

Really?

(exhales)

(sighs)

I need to get there.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, oh...

Hey, there.

Good trip back?

Yeah. Um...

Actually, you tore out of there before I had a chance to thank you.

It was a very kind and generous thing that you did.

And I guess I had you wrong.

So I am sorry.

No biggie.

Eric: Zara?

Hey, Zara, could you contact my pop one last time?

I got our credit card bill.

Could you just ask him if he bought a first-class ticket to Miami?

And then rented a luxury party bus, spent $1,300 at the Kitty Cave, bailed himself out of Broward County Jail and then bought two gold watches?

You know what, Eric?

That does... that does, uh, sound like him.

It's, um...

You know, you're right.

It's classic Pop.

Still living large, man!

(laughing)

How am I gonna pay for this thing now?

Good night.