01x06 - We're Here. We're Weird. Get Used to Us.

Open your mouth.

I don't want to.

Open your mouth.

It's gonna happen, buddy. Don't fight it.

But I don't feel safe.

Eric... my darts team has a match in two hours and I need to practice.

Now stop being such a freakin' baby and open your mouth.

What if you get one in and I choke?

Classy problem.

Now open up.

Yes!

Eric: Oh...

It was delicious.

My fear actually heightened my sense of pleasure.

Do another one.

Ooh!

Ooh.

That's all right.

Here you go. Try another one.

Oh!

Holy crap.

What? That's where you wanted it, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, just keep going.

Caryn: Ow!

Right?

Whoa-ho! Hey, hot stuff!

Mm-mmm.

I have a third date tonight with that guy Jonah.

And you know what that means!

That Jonah isn't real.

I wasn't talking to you.

And this one is real!

Hey. How do I look?

Fantastic.

Your bracelet's at war with your necklace.

Make a choice.

Pull that dress down and lose the scarf.

Like I care what you think!

(whispers): Hey.

Is he right?

Yeah.

(sighs)

Zara: Hey, by the way, if any of you guys are in the mood to watch some all-girl dart action tonight, come by Truck Stop at 10:00.

In.

Sorry, I can't make it.

Got my overnight bag packed.

Who is this guy, anyway?

Caryn: Oh, my God, he is this amazing, successful entrepreneur that has his very own transport service.

He sends town cars and limos all over the city to pick up VIPs and celebrities.

Taxi!

Have a good night, you guys!

(cheering)

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

That was awesome!

April.

All we need is a 15 or a 16.

So just breathe in... and visualize your energy flowing through your hand. And remember...

Okay.

The dart throws itself.

Okay.

What the hell was that?!

Are you kidding me?

You said that that dart throws itself.

And it didn't.

So your problem really is with the dart.

You didn't even practice this week, did you?

I'm a doctor.

I do not have time to throw candy into people's mouths!

Now just relax.

(grunts)

Have fun.

It's a game.

There you are.

Oh... wow.

Check out all these fine ladies.

And I don't see any dudes in here to compete with us.

You know, cuz, I got me a good feeling about this.

Tonight... could get interesting.

Indeed it could.

Go get 'em, tiger.

Oh, there's Zara.

I'm gonna go watch the darts.

All right.

Oh. Date's over already?

Guess he was real.

Shut up!

Zara, I need to talk to you.

I need you to move.

I just had the worst night of my life!

It's going to get a lot worse if you don't move.

She means it.

Don't learn the hard way.

No, no, no.

She's my roommate. She's actually very nice at home.

You're far from home young one. Very far.

Hey.

How was your night with... my drink?

Help yourself.

Stosh, please don't start with me.

I'm very upset right now.

Okay, all right. I'm-I'm sorry.

Tell me what happened.

I got lumped.

"Lumped"?

Dumped in the middle of getting la...

Oh.

Very traumatic.

At least you had the composure to give it a clever nickname.

Come here. Give me a hug.

Come on, bring it in.

Come here.

That's it, that's the stuff.

It's such a humiliating way to get dumped.

Yeah, you deserve better.

He should have waited.

Thank you.

(cheering) Yeah!

Oh!

(laughs)

Zara!

(whoops)

I helped her train for tonight.

Well, you did an awesome job.

Well, thank you.

(laughs)

Okay.

Oh, God! I know!

I stink!

Well, quit stinking!

Gladly! I quit!

What?

Yeah.

You can't quit in the middle of a tournament!

I just did.

Would you quit in the middle of a surgery?

I would if my patient was being a dick.

What does that mean?

It means you're a dick.

I don't even know why I dated this guy.

It's not that he had a bad personality.

He actually had no personality.

Well, I once dated a girl with multiple personalities and they were all were terrible.

But luckily, they all had an amazing body.

(laughs)

Feel better?

Is the "pain go bye-bye" juice working?

Yes.

Thank you, Stosh.

You're welcome, Caryn.

April: Hey.

Hi.

The darts are over?

Oh.

I quit. Your roommate wasn't even that much of a bitch while we were breaking up.

And she slashed my bicycle tires.

I'm April, by the way.

I'm Caryn.

Stosh.

Do you mind if I join you guys?

Or is this a romantic thing?

Um...

No. No, it's not.

No, no, no. No, not at all.

No, no.

No, it's not, it's not, never.

Nothing romantic at all. No, absolutely not.

(fake retches) Never.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...

Um, and... no, no no.

Okay.

April: All right.

That was a... very thorough answer.

Next round of shots on me?

Look, even if I agreed with you that April is a festering boil on the ass of the dart world... which I don't... you still need a partner.

No partner and you're out of the tourney.

She quit, Becky!

What am I supposed to do?

What about playing with her?

Who?

I don't know her.

Becky: No.

Your friend.

She seems super into it.

Oh, that...

Oh.

Oh, you mean Eric... a.

Erica!

That is a great idea.

I will go ask her.

And, by the way, her darts name is "Viper."

Hey. Let's dance.

♪ ♪

To happiness!

Or, as I like to call it, "sadness in its early stages."

Bleh!

Scotch.

They should call it Crotch.

Hmm-mm.

April: You know, I had a boyfriend who lived in Glasgow and he taught me about all the different kinds of Scotches.

There is just so much we can learn from alcoholics.

So, I'm sorry, let's go back.

You said "boyfriend"?

I did.

Okay, so, can one assume that your sexuality is of the "bi" variety?

April: No, because I don't like that word.

I like who I like.

And I think that sexuality is a very fluid thing and I just like to go with the flow.

So you're bi.

Yes.

Great.

April: Yeah.

Bartender!

Three more shots of crotch!

That was my joke.

I wouldn't call it a joke.

(cheering)

Yes! Yes!

Sweet shot, Viper!

Thank you!

Yeah! You go, girl!

You go, girl.

(laughing)

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Terminator, Aliens...

Do not blow it with this one.

Half of Titanic.

Half of Titanic?

The Jack and Rose love story is...

(imitates buzzer)

No, no.

It's the screaming, it's the ice, it's the dead people.

Yes!

Okay, what about When Harry Met Sally?

Oh, give me a break.

Yes!

I love that movie!

Me, too!

Viper! Viper!

Viper! Viper! Viper!

Viper! Viper!

(cheering) Yes!

Eric: Yes!

Boom!

(shrieking)

That is one bad-ass bitch.

Yeah! (cheering)

Oh, I was just obsessed with horses as a kid.

I used to draw horses all the time.

Did you really?

Aw... Yes.

You know, I-I actually had a horse when I was a kid.

Really?

You did?

Oh, wow.

What was your horse's name?

Horst.

Horst?

He was a, uh, Albino.

He was actually sold to a circus and, um, he didn't make it.

Heartbreaking story, Stosh.

I know, I still have issues.

About Horst, the Albino?

Yeah.

All right, uh, ladies, it's about, uh, six hours past my bedtime, so...

I'm leaving.

Oh, well, it was fun hanging out with you, Stosh.

Yeah, you, too. You know, we should... we should do it again. Maybe Saturday night?

I got a couple of tickets to the Yankees game with your name on it.

And mine. And the Yankees.

Are you asking me out?

Yeah.

Wow.

I haven't gone out with a dude in, like, six years.

Oh, you know what? It's easy, it's just like riding a bike, except in this case, a very large, powerful motorcycle.

April: You know what? You're a douche bag, you own it, and I like that.

Thank you.

So let's do this.

All right. Sounds good.

Yeah?

See you then.

Awesome.

And boom goes the dynamite.

Huh.

Funny.

When I came over earlier, it was because I thought you were hot.

Really?

Yeah. I thought I might score a date with you.

Really?

Yeah.

Interesting.

Sorry.

Ah...

You still want one?

Yeah.

Okay.

I want to try being a lesbian.

Can I finish my tea first?

Not right now. That's ridiculous.

On Friday. I have a date with your friend April.

Wait, what?

Why are you looking at me like that?

You went out with her. She's great, right?

At the moment, she's dead to me, but yeah, she's lovely.

And you know, I was never one of those girls who "experimented."

You know, my freshman year in college, I had a roommate who went through a lesbian phase, so I got to hear a lot of what it was like from under my covers, but that's it.

And now you want to give it a shot?

Yeah.

You know, because, um... as I get older, I've discovered... you like who you like.

And sexuality is a fluid thing, and you have to go with the flow.

Why are you acting so stunned?

I am not acting.

I am stunned.

Stosh: Sorry to barge in. Zara, can I borrow your van?

I've gotta go to the Bronx to pick up tickets for my date with April.

Hello, Caryn.

Um, yeah, keys are on the counter.

Great. I hope she doesn't mind the skybox behind home plate.

Good-bye, Caryn.

So... this is actually not about April at all.

This is about your weird, immature, unresolved thing with Stosh.

No! As I told you, it's about going with the fluids, okay?

And-and just... and flowing.

Shut up.

Eric, it's Zara.

Eric: Just a second!

What are you doing in there?

No, I-I was just Googling a few things.

I just need a second, okay?

Ew.

(panting): Hey.

Yeah, come on in.

Oh, Googling things.

Okay, got it.

Still weird.

So, what's up?

Well, um, I just came to congratulate you.

Thank you. Yeah, it came in the mail today from the Googly-Eye Barn.

Now the real work begins.

No, not about that.

Eric, how would you like to be my darts partner for the rest of the tournament?

Sounds great; I love darts.

And I'm not gonna lie.

I really like hanging out with all those hot ladies.

Right, about that.

Um, let's just not, you know, bring up the girl/boy thing or say anything about it or even use words like "he" or "him" or "my pen1s."

You know?

Oh. Yeah.

Just so we don't make a thing of it.

Yeah, no, totally, I get that.

I can keep it on the dillzies for realzies.

Greatzies.

(laughter)

Well, I'm going to let you get back to doing...

Hello, my child.

Oh!

Look who's out of her PJ's and all dressed up like Mariska Hargitay.

I have a hot date tonight.

Oh, yeah, you got a date?

Is he gonna pick you up on a Citi Bike?

Huh? Piggyback? Rickshaw?

Hey!

Let me find parking; I'll be right back.

Hey!

Hey!

What's she doing here?

The game's not until tomorrow night.

Yeah, but Wilco is playing at McCarren Park tonight.

You made a date with April?

I made a date with April.

After I made a date with April?

After you made a date with April.

(gasps) I'm sorry.

I didn't know you guys were exclusive.

That's not the point.

You're not gay and you know it.

I am gay for April, and I have never felt more alive.

You know, maybe you should try being gay.

Based on your clothes and grooming habits, the transition should be relatively easy for you.

I know what you're doing, and it's not gonna work.

You can't win.

It is not a contest, Stosh.

It's a matter of the heart.

It's about finding true love, and I will win.

Caryn, I can't find parking anywhere.

Get in. Let's go.

Bam goes the dynamite.

Boom. It's "boom goes the dynamite."

You look cute.

Hi.

Thank you. Hi, Stosh.

♪ ♪

(indistinct chatter)

♪ ♪

(screaming)

Oh, yes.

Boob.

(screaming)

Hi. I would like two tickets to the Sunday matinee.

Upper balcony is perfect.

Caryn Goldfarb.

Yes.

Thank you.

Oh, Caryn?

Hey, you wouldn't, by chance, be buying those two Sunday matinee tickets for you and April, would you?

Yeah, we're gonna go see the Spider-Man musical, which I hear is very good now that none of the performers are getting killed.

Well, I'll try to have April back in time.

Back from what?

Oh, right.

How could you know?

We're going to the Hamptons on Saturday.

We'll be staying in a hotel room... together, if you catch my drift.

By drift, I mean s*x.

Boom goes the dynamite.

Not if it goes boom on Friday.

Hey, April.

Yeah, it's me.

What are you doing Friday night?

Oh, right, that's Zara's dart tournament.

You want to get plastered and watch it together and then go home and have a great deal of s*x?

What do you mean, am I ready?

Of course I'm ready, yes.

Give it here.

Oh, my God, I can't wait. Bye!

Give me that phone.

Boom.

You trying to turn this into some kind of s*x competition?

Yep, and I'm gonna win, 'cause I am a woman, and I know what feels good down there, and I am going to arrive to down there 24 hours before you, so boom!

Bam! Boom!

It's boom.

(imitates explosion)

Emergency. Help.

What?

I committed to having lesbian s*x soon, very soon, so I need some tutoring.

I have to give April the best orgasm she's ever had in her life or at least better than Stosh can.

Of her life.

This has nothing to do with Stosh.

Will you please help me?

Um, let me think about that.

Uh, no.

I don't want any part of this.

April is a human being, and she deserves better than to be caught up in some twisted little game between you and Stosh.

This is not about me and Stosh, okay?

This is about me and, um...

April.

This is about me and April.

Caryn, enough.

You can't parade around trying to pass yourself off as a lesbian just because there's something in it for you.

It's disrespectful to gay people.

It's wrong, and frankly, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Eric: So, how do I look for the finals?

I'm wearing everything you gave me.

Totally different situation.

Awesome?

(cheering)

You are strong, you are fearless, you are Batman.

I'm Batman.

(screaming)

Yes!

That was amazing!

Did you see that?

Amazing.

Thank God you were replaced.

Oh, shut up.

You shut up.

Shut up.

Super excited for later.

Ha!

Later, exciting stuff!

Exciting stuff?

Is something exciting happening tonight?

Hey, Stosh.

Hi.

What are you doing here?

Oh, come on.

Is my love for darts not well documented at this point?

Okay, well, maybe you should just...

Join you guys for the next game?

I'd love to.

Yay!

Can we get another round of shots, please?

Crotch shots.

Crotch shots.

(cheering)

Did you see that?

All right. I got it.

Thank you.

Come on, I got it. I got it.

I think I can pay for my date.

I got it, I got it. Just take mine, take mine.

I got it. I got it.

Okay. Take my card.

Guys, it's cash only.

I got it!

I got it. No, I got it. I can pay...

I got it, I got it.

Woman: Here we go, everybody.

The final two darts for the championship.

(screaming)

Yeah!

We did it!

Oh!

Woman: Oh, this is it.

This is the big one.

Oh.

Okay.

(chuckles)

Okay. Okay.

(screaming)

(laughter)

Yeah!

Eric, I love you!

Me, too!

Hey, come on, let's dance.

Oh, wait, wait, oh, wait, uh-uh.

A silly misunderstanding needs to be cleared up here.

Hey, do you like puppets?

Yeah.

A lot.

Oh! Okay.

Have fun, girls.

♪ We'll put all other things aside ♪

(grunting)

♪ Get in this time and show me some affection ♪
♪ We're going for those pleasures in the night ♪
♪ I want to le ♪
♪ Feel you ♪
♪ Wrap myself around you ♪
♪ I want to squeeze you ♪ Hey.

♪ Please you ♪
♪ I just can't get enough ♪
♪ And if you move real slow ♪
♪ I'll let it go ♪

Oh.

♪ I'm so excited ♪

(clears throat)

♪ And I just can't hide it ♪

Oh, okay.

Oh, guys.

♪ I'm about to lose control ♪
♪ And I think I like it ♪
♪ I'm so excited ♪

I'm out of here.

♪ And I just can't hide it ♪
♪ And I know, I know ♪
♪ I know, I know, I know ♪
♪ I want you ♪

Oh, boy.

Well said.

♪ We shouldn't even think about tomorrow ♪
♪ Sweet memories will last a long, long time ♪

I'm sorry.

Thank you!

♪ We'll have a good time, baby ♪
♪ Don't you worry ♪
♪ And if we're still playing around ♪
♪ Boy, that's just fine ♪
♪ Let's get excited ♪
♪ We just can't hide it ♪
♪ I'm about to lose control ♪
♪ And I think I like it ♪
♪ I'm so excited ♪
♪ And I just can't hide it. ♪

(Eric and woman screaming)

Woman: Wait, why are you screaming?

Good night.

Hmm.