02x06 - Un-Jaded

[bunniefuu]

(upbeat music)

Good morning.

(moans)

Ha.

Good morning.

Ah.

(groans)

What?

Huh.

Ha, that's weird.

I can't move my arm.

Oh... that's as far up as it'll go.

That is weird.

What sort of sexual wizardry did you perform on me last night?

If anyone was doing any wizardry, babe, it was definitely you.

Look at the... look at the difference between the two.

All right, let me see this.

Easy, don't...

You would prefer me not to break your arm?

I would prefer that, yes.

All right, all right.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Ah, okay!

Okay, okay, okay.

Ah!

Strange.

So strange.

That's as far as it goes?

Yeah.

Hmm... Does this hurt?

Yep.

How 'bout this?

Yep.

This?

Yep.

I think there's a pattern forming here.

I'll tell you what you've got here. Adhesive capsulitis.

That doesn't sound good.

They also call it "40-year-old shoulder."

"40-year-old shoulder"?

Happens to some people around the age of 40.

Ligaments tighten up for no reason.

It works itself out in about a week or so.

Just won't be able to raise your arm above a "heil."

That's... inconvenient.

They have no idea what causes it, or...

Sure they do: Age.

Just the kind of thing that starts happening in your 40s.

You know, you're losing your reproductive function, so nature deems you unnecessary and therefore ready for decay.

Bone density goes. Your elasticity goes. Your eyesight goes.

With women, there's often a thinning of the walls of the...

Uh, let's just stick to the shoulder, okay?

Well, that'll be fine.

Just might want to start taking some Calcium.

It's always good to get a head start.

(forced laugh)

Calcium.

I'm sorry you had to hear all that.

Oh, it's okay.

Uh, we better get busy, though, before you fall apart.

(laughs)

(laid-back groove music)

There's no book?

There is no book.

There never was a book. There will never be a book.

We are totally screwed.

I can't believe Jade just blew through her entire advance like that and live-tweeted it.

Well, she didn't blow through the entire advance.

I mean, there's still $1,200 left.

Ugh, what are we gonna do?

I'm gonna lay low for morning meeting.

Okay? Wait for lunch. We'll talk about it.

In the meantime, not a word to Charles or Diana.

Okay?

Okay.

(sighs)

You wanted to see me?

I just got off the phone with Hugh Shirley's agent.

He wanted me to know, before Hugh's pitch today, Achilles just made a pre-emptive offer on "The Male Feminist."

Oh, for God's sake. What, they k*ll all the bookstores, and now they have to come after the authors too?

But Hugh would rather not go to Achilles.

Really?

Authors are starting to hate them too. There's a backlash.

That's why the agent was giving me the head's up.

I think we still have a great chance to land this today.

Oh, no, we must. I mean, this could be huge.

It's totally in the zeitgeist.

Couldn't agree more.

I want you to take the lead on this.

I need you on your game today.

I will be gamier than ever.

I was... I'll be in my office.

(rock music)

Liza.

Do I have everything there is on Hugh Shirley?

Uh, actually, I just pulled up one of his lectures.

It's called "Crushing The Patriarchy From Within."

I cued it up for you.

I'm wearing a bosom. Why?

Because while a man can never truly know what it's like to be a woman, it doesn't mean he can't try.

(baby crying)

And...

Ladies and gentlemen, I have never felt more beautiful.

Oh, good Lord, what a... powerful, powerful message...

A message that, if I have my way, will be heard by every man, woman, and post-pubescent child in this country.

I am not going to sell this as a book.

No, I'm going to sell this as an anthem, a call to action for a new generation.

In my mind, "The Male Feminist" is "The Feminine Mystique" for the 21st century.

And in Empirical's hands, you'll be nothing less than the new Betty Friedan.

(gasps)

And she would be my point person?

She would.

Then I'm interested.

On one condition: That we make a deal and then you pay me 77 cents on the dollar for that deal.

I want to be paid like a woman, and I want that to be part of the campaign.

That is brilliant.

I think we can arrange that.

Then let's make a book.

(applause)

Liza? Uh, where are we on the Jade Winslow book?

Are we on track?

Yeah, uh...

Yea... absolutely.

Didn't she promise us a first chapter by now?

Yes. Yes, she did.

And?

And... it... is so good.

Uh, great. When can I read it?

Uh, well, um, Kelsey's just going over it with a fine-toothed comb.

You know how dedicated she is.

Yeah.

I'd like to read it tomorrow.

I will tell her that.

Great.

Tomorrow?

Why would you tell him that?

He had me cornered.

What could I say?

Anything but that!

You can't promise pages that we don't have.

I know. I just... I panicked.

Oh, God.

I guess it's time to tell Charles. Mm. So long, Millennial.

It was fun while it lasted.

Oh, God. Just what I need.

Who's that?

Brad Westlake.

He's such a d*ck.

We interned together. He was so far up everyone's ass, they called him "The Butt Plug." Now he's at Achilles, obviously.

Kelsey Peters. Gorgeous as ever.

Brad Westlake. It's good to see you.

This is Liza Miller, my associate.

Hi, it's nice to... ow! I'm sorry.

I fell off the elliptical this morning, and I sprained my arm.

What? I didn't know that.

Oh, it's nothing.

Congrats on, uh, getting your own imprint.

Congratulations on being at Achilles.

You're a-killin' it.

Yeah...

In fact, you guys are killin' all of us.

Amazingly, people are actually boycotting us.

Let's face it. I mean, it's never gonna last.

In the end, money... always wins, right?

So give me a call when you're ready to play with the big dogs.

"Money always wins"?

Who actually says that?

Speaking of money, Jade just blew her last $1,200.

Oh, God. On what?

A diamond pacifier.

Official time of death, 1:26 p.m.

Wait a minute. Let me see that.

All we need is one chapter, right?

Yeah.

Well, you're looking at it.

What?

She basically posts every moment of her life online.

It's like she's been writing her autobiography.

140 characters at a time.

That's true.

We already own all of her social media.

I just need to add a little narrative, come up with some imaginative profanity.

I could do that in a night.

That's one chapter.

How are you gonna write the rest of the book?

I may not have to.

(fast-paced electronic music)

(blowtorch f*ring loudly)

I loved you in "Flashdance."

Oh. Thank you.

Wow.

Look at that.

Yeah, she's inspired by a Hindu warrior goddess.

She represents fearlessness and patience.

Ugh, it's amazing, isn't it?

I mean, look at her. She could s*ab a guy and give nine handies at the same time.

That's one perspective.

Oh, my God.

You know who would love this? Hector and Dorff.

They could install this in their flagship store.

It's opening in a couple days. Do you mind if I show it to them?

Knock yourself out.

Ah, it's perfect.

Thank you.

Oh, Lauren, we're still on for later, right?

Absolutely. You're in my squad, girl.

What's that about?

I need her devious mind.

Well, take it. I need the devious rest of her.

Is she living here now?

Eh, you know what they say.

What does a lesbian bring to a second date?

A U-Haul.

(energetic music)

Well, obviously we'll book you on all the big shows, but I'd like to do a few events at the 92nd Street Y where you square off with some of the country's top misogynists.

You know, like Jon Stewart did with Bill O'Reilly.

Actually, Bill O'Reilly might work for this.

Maybe Donald Tr*mp.

I'd love that.

Also, I'd love to do a reading solely for influential architects.

I mean, I look around the cities, and all I see are penises.

Empire State Building. the Seattle Space Needle.

The Washington Monument might as well have semen coming out of it.

Where's the monument for Eleanor Roosevelt that's shaped like a vulva?

I want to speak to those people directly.

Consider it done.

Can I just say how happy I am I made the choice I made?

I'm really impressed with you.

I can assure you you are in far better hands here than you would've ever been at Achilles.

Oh, please. I never would have gone there.

Do you know they don't even cover on-site mammograms?

Ah. Listen. I'm sorry. I really have to cut this short, because I'm lecturing at Barnard tomorrow, but I'd love to tell those students a bit about the book.

Is there any chance we could finish this tonight over dinner?

Your wish is my command.

Wait.

I didn't just make you feel dominated, did I?

No, no. Just an expression.

(new-wave music)

Ow.

What wrong with you?

What?

Oh, uh, nothing.

I'm just having a little trouble with my arm.

Ow!

Oh!

You have 40-year-old shoulder.

No, no. No, I don't.

Ow! Stop that.

That 40-year-old shoulder.

No, stop saying that. I do not have 40-year-old shoulder.

I'm not even 30.

30?

Who you kidding?

Excuse me.

Hey. Come here.

Just...

So?

It's amazing.

So hot.

Really?

You nailed it.

You got such great stuff. The Marie Claire enema retreat?

Ugh, I knew they had more than just a stick up their butt.

You got this all off her social media?

Yeah, I mean, it took some digging, but I did it.

I had to condense a couple of things for time's sake.

That's okay, right?

Yeah.

Liza, you don't always have to be such a stickler for the truth.

So you think it's leakable?

Yes, yes, I'll float it to my friend at "The Cut."

She will never know it came from you, okay? I promise.

She will eat this alive.

Her chapter was leaked on a fashion blog?

How did this happen?

She obviously leaked her own book.

That is so Jade.

Writing's very choppy.

Well, uh, she does have her own voice.

Syntax is clunky at best.

Again, her voice.

I don't want any more material leaked.

One chapter whips up interest.

Any more than that's too much.

Oh... you won't have to worry about that. I promise.

Thank you.

Okay. You're up.

(sighs)

Brad Westlake.

It's Kelsey Peters.

How would you like to have a drink with me?

(jazz music)

And another thing. Why do we have urinals?

I mean, just because men can pee standing up doesn't mean that it should be encouraged.

I mean, it simply reinforces the idea that men are superior to women.

Right.

No, literally.

One who pees standing up is above those who pee sitting down.

And urinals are the last vestige of a violent power structure.

You make an excellent point. Can I have some more wine?

And when did we decide that menstruation is so disgusting?

I mean, in other cultures, it's considered this wonderful gift from the heavens that should be celebrated openly.

But no, no, no. The male Western patriarchy came in and some point just decided that it should be shameful and that women should hide it from men.

I mean, God forbid a tampon gets left unflushed in a toilet somewhere.

It becomes a total cause celebre.

Never looked at it like that.

Did you know that I wore a tampon for an entire day last week just to know what it felt like?

Why, that is... so revolting.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I appreciate your intentions, I really do, and I am going to ensure that your book is a mammoth success, but try as you may, you can never know what it is like to be a woman.

You can wear as many tampons or bosoms as you like, but you will never understand what we go through.

I am sorry. It is true. May I please get some more wine?

You're absolutely right.

It's the greatest frustration of my life.

(sighs)

I'm sorry... it's just such a catch-22.

Men can't be women, and yet we can't help feminism from the outside.

We just need to find a way to get inside women.

I mean, that's all I want to do with the book. Get inside women.

I just want to be... inside... you.

(fast dance music)

Let's get a taxi.

Yes. Okay. I agree.

Taxi! Taxi!

Okay.

What are you doing?

You've been drinking.

I want to make sure you really want this.

I... I want this.

You say that now, but who knows how you're gonna feel tomorrow.

This is too special a connection to ruin with a one-night stand.

Let's roll the dice.

No... no!

I'll call you tomorrow, and when I say that, I mean it.

Get her home safe, okay? Not that she isn't perfectly capable of getting home without a man's help.

(funky rock music)

So what are we drinking to?

It was just so great to see you the other day.

I thought we should celebrate our successes.

You're kicking ass. I'm kicking ass.

We're both kicking ass.

To kicking ass.

To kicking ass.

I needed this.

Yeah.

Things have been so crazy with the Winslow chapter leaking.

I mean, publishing houses have been calling all day with offers.

Really?

Yeah.

Charles was so pissed about the leak. I mean, it took everything I had to keep him from selling it.

I finally made him realize, you know, leaks are good.

They get everyone talking. This book is going to be even bigger for Millennial than I thought.

So Charles wanted to sell?

Yeah.

But I talked him out of it.

Besides, none of those offers were anywhere near what I would let it go for.

Well, how much would you let it go for?

Brad! No shop talk.

How much would you take?

I don't think you could afford it.

Oh, try me.

Okay, look. The truth is, these agent and author boycotts, they've been hitting me pretty hard.

I actually haven't acquired anything in months.

This would be a huge get for me.

Now, how much would you take to get it off your hands?

(sighs)

I don't know, um... maybe... double our advance?

Done.

You don't need to check with your boss first?

No, I have that authority right now.

Well, I don't.

Give me a sec.

(dance music)

You're a genius!

Yeah, well, you really manipulated The Butt Plug.

Damn right I did.

So let me just clarify a few things.

Before the Achilles lawyer calls me in, uh, oh, I'd say about ten minutes.

We never got any pages from Jade Winslow.

Liza wrote the chapter, which you then had someone leak to "The Cut," which somehow helped convince Achilles it was worth double what you paid for it?

Is that the, uh, gist of things?

Yeah. Pretty much.

But everything in that chapter was culled from intellectual property of Jade Winslow's that we already own, so in essence, in a completely unorthodox... yet totally legal way, we have successfully fleeced Achilles out of $500,000?

Yep. Pretty much.

Well, not that I'm giving my blessing, because this is not how we do business around here...

But I guess we can chalk it up to a learning experience with some enjoyable fringe benefits.

You dodged a b*llet this time.

And, um, you got a lot of money now.

Spend it wisely.

We will.

(sighs)

Ha, ha.

(laughing)

(phone dings)

This should be fun.

Uh-huh.

Hello?

Hey, Jade.

It's Kelsey and Liza.

Hi, Jade.

You know what? Don't "Hi, Jade" me, all right?

What is this sh*t on "The Cut" about you selling my book?

It's true; you are working for Achilles now.

Wait, are you kidding? No, I don't want my book at Achilles, all right?

I refuse to have my book at Achilles.

Aren't you forgetting one tiny little detail?

What's that?

Bitch, there is no book!

Bye!

What?

Ha ha!

Ow!

(upbeat music)

See? I knew Hector and Dorff would love the sculpture.

I told 'em we'd stop by before the opening.

I can't wait to see where they have it on display.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Maggie, I am so sorry. I had no idea.

Hey!

Hello! Hey, look. It looks amazing, doesn't it?

So spiritual.

Spiritual? You're hanging clothes from it.

Clothes? No. This is outerwear.

Every piece? Work of art.

Yes, and Maggie's sculpture is also a work of art.

Are you saying her art is more art than our art?

As long as the check clears, I'm good.

Yes? Okay, look.

We want two more. Okay?

As soon as possible.

Done.

But what about your Hindu goddess?

I have to say, she looks pretty damn good in cashmere.

♪ Is it too much to ask ♪
♪ For a little distraction ♪

(knocking on door)

Hey, baby.

Hello.

Let me help you with your coat.

Oh, thank you. I could use it.

How was your day?

It was a good day.

Except for this damn shoulder.

Well, you know, I did a little research.

Turns out, you know what the cure for 40-year-old shoulder is?

What?

26-year-old massage.

Ooh. Ooh!

(laughs)

♪ I'll chew you up and spit you out again ♪
♪ No, I can't love you ♪
♪ Like a gentleman ♪