02x07 - Into the Woods and Out of the Woods

[bunniefuu]

[lively bluegrass music]

Yeah!

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

Thank you, Brooklyn!

We just want to let you guys know we're playing the Hudson Valley Brew Grass Festival this weekend in Cooperstown...

48 hours of nothing but craft beer and bluegrass music.

So come on down. We'd love to have you, all right?

♪ ♪

Yay!

Sounds like t*rture.

No, I'm excited.

You're gonna go?

Of course I am.

I've put Josh through so much, and he's been amazing.

He comes to all my work stuff.

I really need to show up for him.

Plus, it's a really big deal for the band.

Well, that's great, Liza.

I have three words of advice: extra toilet paper.

[gasps] Oh, my God, Iris.

Who's Iris?

Oh, a girl I dated for 11 weeks.

Wow, almost a full trimester.

Come say hi.

Do I have to?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

You must come.

Both: Hey!

Great set, dude.

Are you sure that you can't just, uh, blow off work and drive up with me and the boys tonight?

Oh, I wish I could, but I promise I'll leave straight from the office tomorrow.

I promise.

Okay.

Okay, okay, okay, I believe you.

Yeah, dudes!

This weekend is going to be epic, man.

I'm going full "Deliverance."

I'm not bringing a tent, toothpaste, or toilet paper.

Just me, the music, and the sky.

You know how that movie ends, right?

What movie?

[funky music]

♪ ♪

[phone chimes]

[whispers] So cute.

[phone chimes]

[energetic music]

It is a big deal, Charles.

Being featured in "By the Book" solidifies your place among the literary intelligentsia.

You're gonna be in "By the Book"?

In "The Times"?

No, Liza, in "Cat Fancy."

Yes, it's "The Times."

That's the first section I read every Sunday.

Well, I can use all the help I can get.

Deadline's Monday morning.

Well, you know the basics.

What's on your nightstand?

How did you fall in love with literature?

Which artist is most underrated?

That's my favorite question.

Just be sure to include one of our books.

You know, maybe "The Male Feminist."

You want to come across as intelligent but not pretentious.

That's our brand.

It's funny; books are such a big part of my work life.

I can't remember which ones are a big part of my life life.

Well, you could start with the classics...

You know, Tolstoy, Pynchon, Hume.

Agatha Christie or Dashiell Hammett might be cute.

What about "Infinite Jest"?

Uh... oh.

Yes, Liza?

Well, someone just said "Infinite Jest."

Oh, was it Colson Whitehead or Tina Fey?

Either way, I'd steer clear.

[mutters] Okay.

Thank you, Liza.

And I know it doesn't sound edgy, but I'd throw in some unexpected nonfiction.

Maybe Doris Kearns Goodwin or...

Ooh, Rick James' memoir.

There's a quirky curveball.

I've had a lot of time to come up with my own answers.

You know, in case anyone ever asks.

Three, two, one.

Well, no one asking.

I have a meeting with Hugh Shirley.

I guess I'll know he's here when my assistant tells me.

That's me.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Oh, Diana, you look hot.

You have a date tonight?

Oh, just a meeting with Hugh Shirley.

Oh, I should probably be in on that.

Oh, no, no, that's not necessary.

It's just market... Strictly marketing.

Oh.

I see. I got ya.

Well, I'm here if you need me.

Thank you.

I won't.

[sighs]

That's better.

[clicks tongue]

[sighs]

That's better.

Are we looking at any Mid-Atlantic coverage, or is it just the Northeast?

Well, we'll start in New York City, Bluestockings downtown.

It's pretty much home base for lesbians, social workers... Same thing.

And then we'll hit Park Slope, Northampton, Ptown.

How about Midwestern college towns?

A huge portion of my audience are transgender academics.

Absolutely... Ann Arbor, Madison, St. Paul.

And there is a huge market for this book in Seattle and Portland...

Actually, anywhere in the Pacific Northwest within ten miles of a vegan market.

Great. I'd like to wake up some straight men too.

Maybe we could do surprise drop-ins at a VFW hall or strip club here and there.

Diana?

Huh?

Are you okay?

Yup, absolutely.

You were saying strip... strip clubs.

I'm sorry. You need to know something.

No, no, you deserve to know something.

[sighs]

I am objectifying you right now... erotically, and I'm so sorry.

Thank you for telling me that.

Okay, now let's continue.

Yes, uh, please do.

Have lunch with me tomorrow.

I swear I'll make you pay for half.

I... I think I can, uh, be free.

So it's a date.

[laughs nervously]

Right? It... it's a date?

Yes.

Yes, yes, a date.

[lively bluegrass music]

Josh, hello?

Hey... oh, hey, hey.

Sorry, the signal just keeps cutting out.

Which tent are you in?

[loudly] Which tent are you in?

What do you mean, drop a pin?

Like, on the ground?

Josh?

Josh? Hello?

Hello, can you hear me?

Ugh.

[music playing in the distance]

[phone ringing]

Hey, I'm by the... Uh, the Bratwurst tent.

I like mine with sauerkraut and onions.

What?

I'm kidding. It's... it's Charles.

I'm so sorry to interrupt your weekend.

I just had a quick question about this "By the Book" thing.

Oh, uh, yeah. No problem.

Uh, what question do you need help with?

"What was your favorite book as a child?"

Uh, I don't want to lie.

Why would you lie?

I was never much of a reader, but I loved baseball, so I just told everybody that my baseball coach said reading would ruin my eyesight and I'd never hit a curveball again.

I would have guessed you were a bookworm.

Yeah, when... when your father owns a publishing house, most people think that.

Um, I... I did read comic books at the dinner table, which he hated.

So not reading was your form of rebellion.

Yeah, until I was 12, and then I found more creative ways to t*rture my parents.

Well, if you're going to lie, which I'm not suggesting, because...

Because lying is bad.

Uh, yes but, in certain cases, acceptable.

Even necessary. Go on.

I would go with "To k*ll A Mockingbird."

Excellent idea.

I don't think that the Hulk is going to cut it.

[laughs]

Boo!

Oh, my God.

What? Are you okay?

Liza?

Yeah.

It was just my boyfriend playing a joke on me.

Oh, I'll let you go.

Thank you so much for your help.

It was my pleasure. I'll see you on Monday.

Yeah. I'll see you Monday.

Sorry.

Mm.

Sorry I was working.

I'm just so excited to see you.

I can't believe you're actually here.

Of course I am. I wouldn't miss it.

You guys didn't play yet, did you?

No, no, no, tomorrow, 2:00 p.m.

Be there.

Front row, center.

Number one fan!

Number one groupie!

This is it.

I pitched it myself.

Welcome.

Wow.

[chuckles]

Okay. Um...

Should we blow up the air mattress?

There is a hole in it.

No worries, though, because... the ground is soft.

[chuckles weakly]

Soft ground usually means...

Yeah, it's wet.

But we're roughing it.

Yeah, we are.

You're such a trouper. You know that?

That is one of the things I love most about you.

That's me. I'm a trouper.

Guys?

Whoa!

I can't do this.

Please, I'm not made for roughing it.

All right, I don't know how to start a fire.

I'm covered in bug bites.

And a raccoon ate all my Clif Bars.

I'm gonna die out there.

What happened to going full "Deliverance"?

Yeah, that was until I got this bite.

Oh, my God.

Look at the size of that thing.

It's like it's laying eggs under my skin.

Don't make me go back out there.

Ugh. I brought some calamine lotion.

Oh, Liza.

You're the best.

Times like this, I'm glad you're old.

Oh!

"Er," older and wiser.

Look, you guys can still get freaky.

Don't mind me, all right? I won't make it weird.

Look at these bad boys. Instant privacy.

[upbeat country music]

Good morning.

Hey.

Good morning.

[gasps] Just what I needed.

Thank you. Mmhmm.

Wow. It's cold.

And also not coffee.

I couldn't find any coffee.

It's coffee stout.

Great, morning beer.

[laughs] You're at Brew Grass Festival, Liza.

That's how we roll.

We're gonna have so much fun today.

We are going to check out the clogging circle.

We're going to hit up the whittling tent.

There's the cornhole tournament.

I'm just gonna hope that's something different from what I'm imagining.

Well...

Where do I go pee?

Porta-Potty that way.

Okay.

[laughs] Good luck.

I'm a trouper!

Yes, you are!

[phone buzzes]

Ooh, this one is full. Ooh.

Trust me; you're gonna want to go in the woods.

[moaning]

[phone ringing]

Oh, God.

Hi, Charles.

You're really putting me out on a limb here.

[laughs] Well, it'll be a "By the Book" first.

Plus, the Hulk is cool!

Although Robert Louis Stevenson did it first with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

So now I'm wondering about my answer to what book changed my life.

And I should probably say "Freedom," but then I would have to explain why.

That's a great book. How did it affect you?

It was the last book my wife read before she left me.

Oh, no. No, no, no, that's awful.

Yeah, I... I still can't quite bring myself to shake Jonathan Franzen's hand.

And, I mean, look, I'm sure I may have had something to do with her walking out...

Okay, well, there are two sides to every story.

But she walked out on her daughters too, and that's... intense.

Yeah, well, Pauline was definitely intense.

Uh, always looking to find her place in the world, and "Freedom" inspired her to... to find hers.

In L.A., apparently.

Hey, what are you doing out here?

The whittling tent just opened.

Let's go rip a huge bong hit and go whittle, huh?

Come on.

Relationships are complex.

Do you think that we could get "The Male Feminist" into elementary schools?

Well, I could talk to my friend at the Department of Ed.

It's certainly a book every third grader should read.

Yeah, that would be great.

You know, Diana...

Yeah.

You channel this masculine energy, which normally I'd hate, but yours is stoic and brave, yet deeply vulnerable.

A barely feminine mystique, if you will.

You know, my grandmother always said I reminded her of an Indian chief.

Oh!

She was a violent r*cist, but I took it as a compliment.

That r*cist was on to something.

Yeah, she saw you.

And I see you.

Do you see you?

Oh, I see me.

I would like to see you...

With your full permission and consent...

Naked, raw, and hungry.

You want to suck on my peen pipe?

It's funny, 'cause it's shaped like a penis.

I like how the balls are the bowl.

[giggles]

Both: That's hilarious.

Oh, we got to go.

We're gonna miss the clogging circle.

Wait, can we come?

Oh, my God, I really want to clog.

Uh, yeah, sure.

Oh, uh, you guys think you might want to put on a shirt?

Or a blouse or maybe even a sheath, maybe?

You know, there's gonna be a lot of bouncing.

I wouldn't want you to hurt yourselves or anybody else.

Both: Huh. That's hilarious.

Come on! Let's go clogging!

Come on, girl.

Okay.

Let's go.

Okay.

Is this okay?

Yeah.

Is this okay?

Yes.

How about this?

It's all okay, Hugh. Just put it in.

Actually, you know what?

This is feeling too phallo-centric.

I feel like I'm dominating you.

I want you on top of me.

Okay, let's do that.

Okay.

Okay.

Ah, that's... I think that's better.

Good for you?

Yes, it's good for me.

Yes. Wait.

Do you feel like you have enough agency in this power...

No more talking.

Okay.

Yes.

Yes?

Yes! Okay, this is more like it.

Okay, this is what we're talking about.

Yes, this is it. Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

[crunching sound]

[screaming]

Oh, my God, what just happened to you?

I don't know, but it's bad.

I'm gonna get my phone.

Just gonna get my phone.

Ah!

No? Okay, I won't.

Ah!

I don't mean to complain, but my feet have never been stomped on so many times in one day.

I mean, at least the rain chilled out.

Are they just with us the entire weekend from now on?

Unknown.

What I do know is that it's time for you to lose to the top.

[scoffs] Not enough moonshine in the world for that.

[band playing]

That's my cue. Wish me luck.

Mwah! Good luck.

♪ ♪

Hey, excuse me. Will you spray us, please?

Oh, me too.

♪ ♪

Both: Thank you.

♪ I wore my boots out walkin' ♪
♪ Wore my heart out talkin' ♪
♪ I felt the pain, and I broke the chain ♪
♪ But I've still got a long way to go ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Been on the road till tomorrow ♪
♪ Through the joy and the sorrow ♪
♪ Came through the flood, and I walked through the mud ♪
♪ But I still got a long way to go ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Been in the back room dealin' ♪
♪ Been a long hook reelin' ♪
♪ Out in the shed, and I... ♪

Howdy, folks!

We're the Bedford Avenue Country Boys.

Y'all want to hear some bluegrass?

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat bluegrass music]

Oh.

♪ ♪

Aw.

Oh.

Uh...

♪ ♪

Oh, uh, I need that charger.

I was here first.

Sorry, not sorry.

[grunts]

Ow!

Rude!

Come on. Come on.

[bluegrass music playing]

Uh, Liza?

Charles!

I am so sorry.

I meant to send that text to my boyfriend.

We must have cross-texted.

Uh, yeah, I guess we must have.

I'm so sorry.

I'm at this bluegrass festival in Cooperstown, and my phone d*ed.

Well, it... it sounds like you're having fun, though.

Uh...

No, not really.

It's, uh... it's not so great.

It's really muddy, lots of mosquitoes, no plumbing.

It's fine, Liza, really.

You know, there is this great B&B near Cooperstown called the Timid Whaler.

My girls and I stayed there last summer.

You'd love it.

Oh, I don't know.

Leaving here would be...

[retching]

Amazing.

Go have fun, and enjoy your weekend.

And thanks again for the help.

I, uh... I couldn't have done it without you.

No problem. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

I'll see you on Monday.

[sighs] Fine, I hip-checked her.

We have a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to v*olence here.

Except for k*ller guitar riffs, right?

Come on.

[grunts]

Okay, so was it more of a pop or a cr*ck?

It was a cr*ck.

Uh, pop.

Definitely a cr*ck.

We were making love.

Diana was on top, of course.

And then she arched her back like a Romanian gymnast.

It's from rigorous yoga.

I'm very supple of spine.

Hmm.

And then I heard a cr*ck sound, and I felt a searing pain in my phallus.

Oh, my God, I think she broke your d*ck.

Doctor!

I don't understand. It's not even a bone.

Well, technically, it's a penile fracture.

It's when the lining of the penis ruptures.

It's not uncommon when the woman's on top and her entire body weight is pounding and bending the engorged penis.

Is that what happened here?

That's what he wanted.

I wanted what you wanted!

We're gonna need to take a sonogram before we can operate.

And to do that, we'll need you fully erect.

I don't see how that's gonna happen.

We can give you an injection in your penis to stimulate an erection, or if you prefer, we can give you some privacy with your girlfriend while she assists you.

Get her out of here!

Liza.

What happened?

Ugh, I'm so sorry I missed your set.

I accidentally sexted my boss instead of you, and I had to call to explain, and some "Hunger Games" tribute tried to take my charger, and I... I hip-checked her.

No way.

And they kicked you out for that?

Why is everyone so nonviolent here?

We're not that far from New York.

I'm sorry.

I know that this is really, really important to you.

Yeah.

I clearly can't cut it.

You have to be in your 20s to do the festival thing, and I hate saying it, but I'm just too old for this.

Yeah. Yeah.

So am I.

Really?

Yeah.

Plus, I stink.

You do stink.

Whoa, whoa, so do you, babe.

I know. I know I reek.

Hmm.

You know, my boss mentioned a B&B.

It's 20 minutes away.

Mm.

It's supposed to be really nice.

Do they have towels?

Oh, they have towels.

They have towels for days.

Oh, tell me more about these towels.

And they have pillows...

Soft, warm, fluffy pillows.

Gabe loves pillows.

Mm.

[laughs] Babe.

I love... I love pillows!

I love pillows. [laughs]

Uh, Miller? Liza Miller?

Excellent. A room for two.

Oh, let me get...

No, I got this.

Actually, it looks like your room has already been paid for by Empirical Publishing.

Wow.

Your boss is awesome.

Wow!

This is beautiful!

Look, we got a basket.

Got some vino.

And a note.

Oh, I'll open it.

I got it.

"Dear Liza, thanks for your help.

"Couldn't have done it without you.

Soon enough, you'll be the one answering the questions."

I see.

Put this robe on, and get into bed.

Why?

So we can take a picture and send it to your boss, say "thank you."

Okay.

[light music]

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Here we go, now ♪

All right, now why don't you take all your clothes off and meet me in the bathroom?

♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

I'll be there in a second.

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ We can make our own way ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Make our own way ♪