03x01 - A Kiss is Just a Kiss

[bunniefuu]

You can tell everybody about me.

I don't really care anymore.

[car alarm blaring]

[upbeat music]

My brother and I were super competitive.

Thad has a twin?

Oh, yeah, he never mentioned it?

We chased the same beautiful girls.

I want to be with you, whatever that means.

I'm all-in.

We want you back at Empirical.

I don't know.

Just think about it.

Think about this.

♪ Whoo, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ We gonna start the party right, right, right on time ♪
♪ Whoo, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ We gonna start the party right, right, right on time ♪
♪ Whoo, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

Is there room for this in there?

You're gonna need another bag.

Mom, I already have three duffels and a backpack.

[groans]

And don't forget this.

Oh.

Condoms.

[laughs]

Got you covered.

Medium to magnum.

Thoughtful.

Uh, no small?

I have faith in you.

Thank you, Maggie.

[doorbell buzzing]

You expecting somebody?

Here, let me try.

Good morning.

Good morning. This is a surprise.

Just bringing doughnuts. Don't freak out.

Hi.

Caitlin, you remember Josh.

Yeah.

Namaste.

I heard somebody was leaving for college today so...

Excellent!

[laughs]

Come on, we got a suitcase issue.

Oh. All right.

Yeah.

[whispering] All in.

Morning, Maggie.

Uh, morning.

Yeah, these are really good. Good job.

[chuckles] What's going on?

So I forgot to tell you something.

[funk music]

♪ ♪

You know, I think Josh might be, uh, more than a midlife crisis, Mom. This could be serious.

Oh, I'll keep you posted.

I can tell he totally adores you.

It's like the age thing just doesn't even seem so weird anymore.

He seduced you with a doughnut.

[gasps] Rose! One second.

You know, I like this Josh 2.0.

He knows he made a mistake and now he's trying to prove himself to you.

I'm just not sure I'm ready to go through all this again.

A hot guy who will lie for you?

What more does anybody want out of a relationship?

When Charles found me at the mall, he kissed me in the men's department.

How could you not have told me this?

I... did you like it?

It doesn't matter.

He thinks I'm 26 and he's my boss.

Nothing can happen.

I think you should sue for sexual harassment, get a huge settlement, buy my loft, I'll sponge off you, and all problems will be solved.

You're seriously not helping here.

Uh, Mom and Maggie, this is Rose.

We met at orientation Hi.

Nice to meet you, Rose.

And these are my parents.

Bob and Julia.

It's so nice to meet the Moms.

[laughs]

Oh. [laughs]

Actually, I'm Caitlin's mom, Liza.

This is my very good friend Maggie.

Yeah, we're roommates.

Where do you ladies live?

We live in Brooklyn. I've had a loft there forever.

I'm an artist. [chuckles]

Oh, well, we collect.

Oh.

How would you describe your work?

Oh. Big, gay, and fun.

Well, we love fun. We'll have to check it out.

Bob's sister is married to a woman.

She lives in Portland.

That's nice.

♪ Hey, you what you gonna do? ♪
♪ Hey, you what you gonna do? ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

Hi.

Hi.

I just want to say I'm very happy you're back.

So am I.

And I would love to find a moment to... talk. I feel like...

Charles, I was looking for you in your office.

We are prepping Kiko Kagami for her book tour this afternoon, and...

Want to make sure we'll see you in the meeting.

It's on my calendar.

That's a beautiful tie, by the way.

Thank you.

The salesgirl who picked it out really... gets me.

♪ Whoa, oh, shook yeah, I ♪

[funk music]

♪ Shoo ♪

Chad, you've got to get into Thad's computer and shut down his Facebook account.

I have tried every password I can think of.

Can you call them?

Oh, no, you can't "call" Facebook, Kelsey.

No, there is no there there.

Well, what are we supposed to do?

I'm working on getting them a death certificate, but until then, his profile remains active.

Oh, he's like a cyber ghost.

Just send me his computer, okay, I'm gonna figure this out.

Kelsey, please don't yell at me.

I'm sorry.

No. [sighs] I'm sorry.

We need to be comforting each other.

You're right, Chad.

Do you have plans tonight?

I'll call you.

Uh...

Has Chad had any luck getting into Thad's computer?

No, and I really need him to, if only to change this profile picture.

Look at this.

Also, people are still writing on his wall.

"I hope he's getting his face licked in heaven."

"Thinking of you on hump day."

And 30 new friend requests.

Wow, he's really getting that post death bounce.

You know, it's always sexier when you can't get it.

Lauren.

Okay, listen, I... hey, I am gonna get you through this, girl.

Just think of me as your grief coach.

All right, I got to run, but I'll meet you after work.

There is a really hot bereavement group at my temple tonight.

That's wonderful. I'm not even Jewish.

Even better, really.

Oh, and equine therapy in the morning, okay, don't forget. We've got a busy schedule.

Bye.

I'm not sure what's more stressful, being a bride or a widow.

I don't want to smother you, but whenever you need me, day or night, I'm there.

I know you are.

Okay.

I am so pleased to introduce you all to Kiko Kagami, the writer of "Blissful Living," or as it is known in Japan, where it is the number one bestseller for the last two years, "Seikatsu Shiawasena."

Uh, "Shiawasena Seikatsu."

Arigato. [chuckles]

Kiko is in the U.S. for a seven day tour, which she will be kicking off on Thursday morning with an appearance on Kathie Lee and Hoda.

Kiko, please.

My book is rooted in the idea that all objects have a spirit, and we must work on lightening our load by setting free those objects which no longer serve us.

We must be ruthless in identifying these things and with a tender heart, kiss them and let them go.

She got Oprah to give up bread.

It was not easy.

And as we do with our things, so must we do with our priorities.

I ask you all now, as an exercise, to take the paper and pen before you and divide the paper into four quadrants like so.

Now I would like you to write in each quadrant those things in your life you care most about in order of importance. Please do this now.

[playful music]

Now stop. Look carefully at what you have written in your fourth quadrant.

Whatever it is will destroy you, because it takes away from your real priorities.

This is the vortex, the vortex of death.

I wrote my mother. [chuckles]

Young lady, as an example... may I see yours?

Oh, no, thank you.

Oh, please, I must insist.

No.

Yes.

No.

I think so, ye...

No!

I think now...

Uh, no.

♪ ♪

Huh.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

The idea behind Equine Assisted Therapy is that by communicating with a properly certified horse, you can unpack your toxic emotions and move more quickly through the grieving process.

That's wonderful.

That... that is exactly what my girl needs.

You can tell your horse things that you might be too ashamed to share with a friend or with a therapist.

Okay.

Let me introduce you to Mike.

Go heal.

Gently brush him, and when you're comfortable, share your feelings.

[sighs]

This is weird.

You really are a beautiful boy.

You know, I do have one secret that I'm ashamed to talk about.

I can't admit it to anyone.

[sighs]

[whispering indistinctly]

[horse neighs]

Oh.

Congratulations, you got a release.

Yes!

[upbeat music]

I've got a proposition.

Okay.

I would love to clear the air.

If you're amenable, meet me at The Carlyle tonight at 9:00.

If you show up, great, and if you don't, that's completely fine.

It will be like it never happened.

Charles, come say hello to Kiko.

[quiet music]

♪ ♪

[phone alert chimes]

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

So behind door number one, we have your sweet, hot, 26 year-old boyfriend, who honestly knows and adores you and wants to be with you, despite your craziness.

Behind door number two, we've got your 40-something divorced boss, with two kids.

Is there really a choice?

He's a grown up. We talk about books.

Talking? Books? Ugh.

I've at least got to go meet him and make it less awkward.

You know, I've kissed plenty of people inappropriately, and it's really not that big of a deal.

I know my priorities.

It's Caitlin, you, and my job.

Anything that gets in the way of that is a mistake.

[pop music]

You're gonna kiss him again.

I know you.

♪ Do you want to go downtown? ♪
♪ See the city lights the red light district ♪
♪ Do you want to go downtown? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Do you want to go downtown? ♪
♪ See the city lights the red light district ♪

I know what you're doing.

Excuse me?

Trying to avoid loneliness, burying your misery in your work.

[sighs]

I think you're projecting, Diana.

Maybe.

But I know a girl who needs to cut loose when I see one.

Can I buy you a drink?

Sure.

Just give me a minute.

You wanna hit the bar next door?

Oh. I've got a better place in mind.

After my divorce I spent every night for years in the office. I got to know all of the janitors.

Anything to avoid putting myself out there.

How many years were you married?

Five years. Andy really was a wonderful man.

I don't mean to say "was." He's not dead, he's just just remarried... to Eduardo.

Did you know?

He was a wasp from Connecticut.

I just thought he was uptight and well-mannered.

So did you guys have sex?

Biannually. Here we are.

Men: ♪ Be our guest be our guest ♪
♪ Put our service to the test ♪

♪ Tie your napkin 'round your neck, cherie ♪
♪ And we'll provide the rest ♪

Diana, what is this place?

Marie's Crisis. It's where I come whenever I'm having one, 'cause you can't be sad or lonely surrounded by a drunken mob of gay men singing show tunes.

All: ♪ Try the grey stuff. It's delicious ♪
♪ Don't believe me? Ask the dishes ♪
♪ They can sing. They can dance ♪
♪ After all, Miss, this is France ♪
♪ And the dinner here is never second best ♪
♪ Go on, unfold your menu take a glance ♪

A double vodka for me, and a...

I'l...l I'll just have a glass of wine.

Two double vodkas.

What?

Lubricates the vocal chords.

All: ♪ We'll prepare and serve with flair a culinary cabaret ♪
♪ You're alone and you're scared ♪

Let's show 'em how it's done.

All: ♪ The banquet's all prepared ♪

[quiet piano music playing]

♪ ♪

Charles.

Bob, hi.

Hi, Julia, you look beautiful. Hi. Aw.

We're celebrating.

No we're not, I'm in mourning.

Aw, we just sent Rose off to college.

That's not possible, she's 14.

She's 18.

We're empty-nesters.

Hey, are you alone? You should join us.

Oh, thanks, I'm, uh, just meeting a friend for a drink.

Oh, is it a date?

N... not exactly.

It's this young woman I work with, and I kind of kissed myself into a complicated situation.

Ooh, that sounds interesting.

Please, don't tell me she's your assistant.

She's not my assistant.

Oh, God.

Ah, listen, as your friend, congrats, you still got it.

As your attorney, I see lawsuits and HR.

I know, but she's different.

There's something about her. She's like a... like an old soul.

Yeah, in a hot, young body.

Yeah, you're already putting yourself in a compromising position by inviting her out for a drink.

Come on.

I would keep it purely about business.

If you want to pursue a romantic relationship, find her a job somewhere else.

Is there another option?

You could marry her.

Oh.

[laughs] Okay.

[piano playing "As Time Goes By"]

♪ ♪

[music winds down]

[dramatic music]

Miss... Miss, can I help you?

Uh, no, thank you, I'm fine.

♪ ♪

[piano playing "As Time Goes By"]

[text alert chimes]

All: ♪ Let's go fly a kite ♪
♪ Up to the highest height ♪
♪ Let's go fly a kite ♪
♪ And send it soaring ♪
♪ Up through the atmosphere ♪
♪ Up where the air is clear ♪
♪ Oh, let's gooo ♪
♪ Fly a kite ♪
♪ [vocalizing] ♪

[cheers and applause]

Wow!

Oh, my God.

Oh, what's the matter? Uh...

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Oh, no.

Okay, go, go, go. Come on.

[clears throat] Here we go.

[piano playing show tunes]

[text alert chimes]

[energetic music]

♪ ♪

Oh!

What happened?

I get... the vertigo when I have a vodka or two.

Or six.

Okay, well, come on, let's get you home.

No, I'm fine!

Okay! No, you're not.

Oh.

Let's go.

All right.

Taxi.

Watch your head.

Oh, gosh. Sit down.

[groans]

♪ ♪

[playful music]

Welcome to my home.

Wow. [scoffs] Diana, your place is gorgeous.

Yeah.

It's a Candela building.

Work hard enough for the next ten years and maybe you'll have a beautiful apartment like this.

Actually, probably never. Not at today's prices.

Can... I get you all a drink?

Diana, are you sure...

Bup, bup!

Liza, I think I know when I've had enough.

Kels?

Glass of white wine would be great.

How about vodka? Wine is for fat people.

Okay, then.

Excuse the mess, I wasn't expecting company.

I suppose you'll want the tour.

Uh... sure.

Yeah.

This is where I sit.

It's lovely.

[whispering indistinctly]

[whispering] I don't want that either.

[whispering indistinctly]

Ooh.

This is where I sleep.

Yeah.

And this is my sanctum.

[heavenly music]

Oh, my God!

[gasps] Diana!

I'm... speechless.

Kiko Kagami would have a field day in here.

Half the things are probably vintage by now.

Is that... your wedding dress?

Yes.

It's what I married Andy in almost 15 years ago.

Oh, please, don't put that on.

Don't be ridiculous.

I am gonna kiss this thing.

[kiss]

And let it go.

[both gasp]

[classical music]

♪ ♪

Oh... my God. How did that happen?

Uh. She found me working late and she asked me to have a drink with her.

[scoffs] Said she recognized a bit of herself in me. That's scary.

Okay, come on, you are nothing like Diana.

[soft pop music]

It is true that I haven't been wanting to go home, though.

It's like I've been burying my guilt in my work, or something.

What could you possibly have to feel guilty about?

That maybe I was marrying Thad just to prove everybody else wrong.

And when he d*ed, a tiny part of me felt relieved, because now I didn't have to marry him.

Isn't that awful?

No, it's human.

Kelsey, have you told this to anybody else?

[Rupert Pope and John Robertson's "Coming Round"]

Just Mike.

Who's Mike?

A horse.

♪ I can feel it coming 'round again ♪

[laughing]

Never mind. I can't even.

♪ Starting ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Into the black instead ♪

In my office!

♪ Into the dark again ♪

[music fades out]

How are you feeling?

[sighs]

I woke up in my Spanx, and my closet looked like it had been pillaged by thieves.

Is there anything else I should know?

That about covers it.

Get me four Aspirin and a Diet Sunkist, and we will never speak of last night again.

Hey. Kiko Kagami is on Kathie Lee and Hoda.

It's about simplifying your life and being honest with yourself.

Do I really need this thing?

We really need so little to be happy.

And sometimes, the less we have, the more happy you are.

I kind of agree with her.

How many bracelets do you have?

I have lots.

And do you love these the most?

I'm so sorry about last night.

Liza, I think you're fantastic.

You don't have to explain a thing.

Then kiss them and let them go.

Well, when I get home, I'm gonna kiss this whole outfit buh-bye. Oh, I'm so glad.

I just want to you know...

It was just a kiss, Liza.

Let it go.

Kiss this and let it go.

Hmm? This?

♪ Oh, oh, oh, I ask myself what am I doing here? ♪

Mmmmm.

No... I...

♪ Oh, oh, oh, here oh, oh, oh, here ♪
♪ And I can't wait till we can break up outta here ♪
♪ Excuse me if I seem a little... ♪

[Wizardz Of Oz's "Million Dollar Life"]

♪ Ooh, ooh ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ ♪

[hiphop music]