01x04 - The Will

[bunniefuu]

So, how sad should we be?

She was only my great aunt.

Lived in Miami, barely visited.

No one really liked her.

So I'd say medium.

Medium sad.

Cool. I'm really good at medium sad.

Check it out.

k*lled it.

Did you ever have the death talk with the girls?

No, I'm still trying to figure out what to say.

Honey, she d*ed four days ago.

[Sighs]

Look, you just have to be honest with them.

Not like my parents were when they told me our dog went to live on a farm.

[Laughing] Oh, no. They did the old farm trick?

Oh, yeah. And not just with pets.

My grandma lives there, a neighbor, my Spanish teacher, Captain Kangaroo...

[Laughs]

When did they finally tell you?

Oh, they didn't.

No, when I was 9, I called Amtrak to find out when the next train was leaving for Happy-Rainbow-Candy-Farm.

We are getting close, though.

You really should tell them.

Okay, here goes.

Girls.

Sometimes, when you're old, your body stops working.

And when that happens, it's called...

Oh, honey.

No, no, no. I got this.

It's called death, and it can make people sad...

Baby.

Because they go to a better place.

And you can still love them very much, just...

Kelli, their headphones are in.

Hey, girls.

Headphones.

What's up?

Grandad's aunt d*ed. It's sad.

Okay.

Okay.

Wow.

k*lled it.

Man: Okay, everybody, look at me.

[Cheering]

Oh, kids!

Sounders just won on penalty kicks!

Wow.

We thought the mood would be a little different here.

Why, did you not hear me? The Sounders just won!

No, because a family member d*ed and people usually act sad when that happens?

Yeah, we thought maybe you would want everyone to talk about our feelings and stuff.

No, no, no. I'm fine.

He may not admit it, but I know he's grieving on the inside.

Sex this morning was lackluster at best.

Look, I got the phone call, I was sad, then I wasn't.

And the only reason it was lackluster I hadn't had my morning coffee yet.

Phone b*mb.

God, I hate that game!

Shawni, your son just threw my phone again.

Isn't he hilarious?

So creative.

You know, he invited that game himself.

I don't understand that game.

Yeah, neither do I. But I know he won.

Yeah!

Hey, everybody.

Hey, nugget.

Hey, Dani.

Nice Sounders jersey.

Thank you.

I had to date, like, six of the players before I even got one.

Um, you know you can just buy those, right?

Yeah!

Hey, Kelli, you guys have a will?

'Course.

You have one, right?

No.

But since aunt Megan d*ed, I decided that I needed one because, if one of us is gonna die young, it will be me.

So, I decided I want to be cremated, and I want you and Dani to spread my ashes in the Casbah.

The Casbah?

Yeah, because I love the clash, and "Rock The Casbah" was my favorite song.

I think it's in Turkey or something.

You want us to go to Turkey?

That seems really far.

It is, but guys, I'm dead.

You have to do it.

Yeah, yeah, of course we'll do it.

But how about, instead of Turkey...

Hawaii?

I'd totally spread stuff in Hawaii.

Everyone, I thought it might be nice if we all just sat here together and everybody said one thing they're gonna miss about aunt Megan.

Really?

Gil!

She was family.

Aww, the parrot she gave us.

She didn't give it to us. It was on loan.

She always made that perfectly clear.

Stingy old coot.

Okay, so, who wants to go first, hmm?

Just something you remember about her.

Shawni, do you want to go first?

Something nice?

I know she could be a little gruff.

But you have to be able to think of something positive to say.

Okay. Um...

Yo, aunt Megan. You look fly.

You smell homeless.

She really cared about the homeless?

Great!

Dani, what about you?

Do you have something nice to share?

Um...

You know, Dani, at my home in Miami, I have a zen rock garden.

That sounds so cool.

You're dumber than every rock in that garden.

She liked to garden?

Aww, that's nice, sweet pea.

Kelli, Oliver?

Yeah, um...

Hard to think of one right now.

How about the gift thing?

Aunt Megan?

Hey, Oliver and I got you something to take back to Miami with you.

It's a crystal space needle with a picture of the family on it.

Oh, thank you.

But why don't you keep it?

I have enough useless junk at my house already.

She liked her home tidy?

Yeah, yeah, I'm going.

I'm sorry, Jan.

I can't think of anything nice to say because aunt Megan was kind of a d*ck.

Hey, Uncle Oliver, do you want to play armchair?

Um, no.

I don't, and I don't know how to play that game.

It's easy. Watch.

Armchair!

Ohh!

Aah!

Why?! Why?! [Phone rings]

Why?! Is that called "armchair"?

Ohh.

Just a minute.

Gil, your brother's on the phone.

Oh.

Hey, Roland.

[Packaging rustling]

Oh, really?

Uh... aunt Megan what?

Hold on.

God damn it, Oliver, I'm on the phone with my brother!

A beloved family member just d*ed!

Have a little respect, for Christ's sake!

Oh, it's just some idiot.

Okay.

Yeah, we'll be here. Thanks for calling.

Turns out aunt Megan had money.

They're reading the will today.

The executor's gonna give us a call.

All that Roland knows is that somebody in our family is inheriting money.

This is it, Jan. Our ship has come in.

Maybe we can get a house with a yard and I can finally get my trampoline!

Or I could get a dishwasher that works.

Or that new 464 casull with a 9-inch barrel.

[Chuckles, gasps]

Boy, the guys at the g*n range would sh*t their pants if I showed up with that bad boy.

Jan, you know I hate it when you talk g*ns.

Oh, don't be such a prude, Gil.

Growing up on the farm, we sh*t g*ns all the time.

I just do it for fun.

Well, maybe. But trampoline first.

But honey, why would she leave you money?

You didn't like each other.

What?! I loved that woman!

She was like a second mother to me.

Hey, there's something I need to talk to you guys about.

It's about the will. It's pretty important.

Sure, yeah. Whatever you want.

So, I've given this a lot of thought.

It's probably the most important decision I'm ever gonna have to make in my life.

If something happens to me, I decided I want you guys to take Dougie.

Take him where?

Oh!

[Sighs]

So, adopting Dougie.

That's the call, huh?

We have to.

[Sighs]

Or...

Love the "or."

I'm just wondering if we're the best choice.

You know, I mean, for Dougie.

Right.

Of course.

What's best for Dougie... That's what's important here.

But whatever do you mean?

I am just wondering if there's a more suitable guardian out there for Dougie, someone who might be a better fit for Dougie.

Mm.

Like maybe someone whose house Dougie already resides in.

Like your parents!

Like my parents!

[Inhales deeply]

I mean, I'd be heartbroken if we didn't get to take him.

Oh, honey, me too. But we can't be selfish.

We must think of Dougie.

It's all about Dougie.

Mm.

Family, I've a positive thing to say about our beloved aunt Megan.

She had money.

And she's leaving some of it to someone in this family.

They're reading the will in half an hour.

When they get to the section that pertains to us, they will call us with the news.

Wait, who's getting the money?

We don't know.

So, it could be anyone?

Well, I was her favorite nephew.

But don't worry. You can use the trampoline, too.

The money's going to me, you know.

What?

Yeah, I was her favorite. She told me, so, "cha-ching."

Shawni, honey, would you rub my bunion?

What?

It's really flaring up.

Please?

You know you're my favorite, right?

Really?

Never been anybody's favorite before.

Give those toes a good kneading, too.

Oof! Well, okay.

All right.

Oh.

There's only four on this foot.

No, the little one's there. You just have to dig for it.

I had to take four hot showers after that to get the smell of her feet off of my hands.

I'm sorry to tell you that I'm the one getting the money, because you weren't her favorite, I was.

What do you need, aunt Megan?

Oh, can you help me?

I'm having trouble hooking this clasp.

You'll need to lift my bosom up as well.

It's the only way it will zip up!

Hold your boobs?

Please.

You know you've always been my favorite.

Okay. [Chuckles]

Wow.

Heavier than they look. [Chuckles]

It was the third grossest thing I've ever done with a woman's boobs.

So, she asked us to adopt Dougie if something happened to her.

Boy, what an honor.

I can't think of two people more loving and responsible.

Well, you two are super loving and responsible, maybe even more than we are.

Yeah, and Dougie already lives here, so...

Exactly.

He's probably need a change after a traumatic event like that.

But isn't stability something...

Plus, we're old.

Wait, what? You guys?

No, that's crazy.

We're basically all, like, the same age.

There's a lot going on under there.

This whole thing could shut down any second.

You know, we just wouldn't feel right going against Shawni's wishes.

No. Shawni's his mother.

"Whatever she wants"... That's what I've always said.

You've never said that.

He's so lucky to have you two.

What? Seriously?

You guys are saying "no" to this?

We're just thinking about what's best for Dougie.

That's what's important.

[Sighs]

Oh, boy. That was close.

Too close.

I can't believe they said "no"!

"What's best for Dougie"? What a load of crap.

[Scoffs]

Well, I guess we're adopting Dougie.

Mom, Dougie peed in my shoes.

Or...

Love your "ors." What?

Dani.

[Gasps]

Dani.

If we get the money, we should open up a scholarship in aunt Megan’s name at your college.

You can't jump around and do flips on a scholarship, Jan.

Well, you can't pulverize a pumpkin from 200 yards with one, either, but...

It's the right thing to do.

I know you're getting excited about the money, but there's a small chance we're not getting it.

A little something happened last time she was here.

So small, I almost forgot about it.

Wasn't a big deal.

Thank you for letting me drive your car.

I don't even have one back in Miami.

'Course. It's a beautiful day for it, too.

[Brakes screech]

God damn it, Megan, you old bat.

What the hell is wrong with you?

I almost went through the windshield, for crying out loud.

Old people can't drive for sh*t.

Get out!

You can walk home for all I care!

There was a goddamned cat on the road!

I just saved its life, you assh*le!

Gil, seriously?

Honey, there's nothing to worry about.

I almost forgot about it. She probably did, too.

And I'm her nephew.

We're probably gonna get this money, and we'll do your scholarship, too...

With whatever's left after my trampoline.

A kid and an inheritance?

This is the best day ever.

[Sighs]

So, you want Dougie?

I love it. He and I'd be like best friends.

Play games, watch movies, dress him up like pokemon and put him in my backpack.

Dani, being a parent is not about that.

It's a hard job. It's a big responsibility.

I know. But I'm totally ready.

I haven't crashed my car in like six months.

So, good. It's taken care of.

Dani gets Dougie.

Or...

Oh, sh*t.

We can't let Dani take Dougie.

Yeah, I agree.

But is there anyone else?

Like, an aunt or an uncle or...

Maybe a neighbor that everyone thinks is weird, but then when you really get to know him, he's actually kind of nice?

No. We're taking him, Oliver.

Look, we have the space, we have the means, and he can be with his cousins, who love him just as much as we do.

It's the right thing to do.

Yeah, I know.

Or...

No, baby. We're all out of "ors."

Shawni!

So, Oliver and I talked, and of course we'll take Dougie if something happens to you.

We'd be honored.

Oh, my God, that is so great.

Thank you so much.

Of course.

Hopefully, it'll never happen, 'cause...

'Cause I'd hate anything to happen to my baby sister.

And, of course, you guys will raise him the way I do, right?

Which way is that?

Well, you know, you can't tell him "no," because that has a negative connotation.

Dougie doesn't have bedtimes or things that he can't eat or the whole "you have to go to school" thing.

Okay, Shawni.

Yeah, yeah, if something like this were to happen, there's no way that we're gonna...

You know what?

Of course we would do all of those things, Shawni.

Yeah, we're just honored that you would even trust us with such a big responsibility.

Okay, then. Thank you.

Good.

She'll be dead. We can do whatever we want.

[Phone rings]

It's the call. It's the call.

Everyone gather 'round.

Hello. The Durnins.

Yes, we are all here.

All right, I'm gonna put you on speakerphone.

All right, Mr. Executor. Execute.

[Chuckles]

Man: I will now read from article nine, section seven, the section that concerns your family.

Here we go, baby.

"To my nephew Gil, I leave all automobiles in my estate."

What? She didn't have a car.

Yeah, you know, we... we couldn't locate one, either.

"To his wife, Jan, I leave the crystal parrot that she so kindly puts out whenever I visit."

Aww.

"To my great-niece Shawni, I leave my extensive collection of self-help books."

What the [Bleep]

"To my great-niece Dani, I leave my rock garden."

Rocks?

What?!

"To my great-niece Kelli, I leave my three cats because she once mentioned to me she loves cats."

Nope. Never said that.

"And to Kelli’s husband, Oliver, I leave 5% of the money in the post-probate estate."

What?! To Oliver?!

God damn it! The rich just get richer!

And I'm stuck with a car that doesn't exist and this stupid, g*dd*mn parrot!

[Parrot shatters]

Oh, um, there's a note attached to that last section.

"Oliver, the vision of you in all your glory gave me great pleasure and kept me going in my later years."

What's going on?

There's another note attached from the estimator.

The parrot is valued at $14,000.

$14,000... somebody get me some g*dd*mn superglue!

So, why'd she leave all the money to you?

There was an incident.

Why didn't you ever tell me that?

I don't know. It was embarrassing.

She really checked me out.

Well, the wing needs some work, but we'll probably get something for it.

You owe me a trampoline [Bleep]

Hey, mom.

Hey, mom.

Hey, girls. What's up?

How come you never say anything bad about aunt Megan?

Yeah. And she left you that crazy-expensive parrot.

Did you two have some kind of relationship we didn't know about?

We did.

We had good talks.

Did you plant tulips this season?!

No! We had a very dry spring!

I'm so glad you like to do this as much as I do!

Gil won't come anywhere near this place!

That's 'cause he's a p*ssy!