01x10 - The Vows

This is pretty exciting, isn't it?

Really is.

We've made every green light on the way to your parents'.

What are the odds?

I meant the fact that we're renewing our vows today.

Oh, right.

Of course I'm excited for that.

And finally, after 10 years, I get a chance to make up for my wedding-vow fiasco.

Honey, it wasn't a fiasco.

Did anyone even notice?

Okay. Um...

Uh...

When I first met you, um...

Kelli.

Kelli, um...

I didn't fully...

[Voice cracks] understand things...

[Clears throat]

Ah...

I'd just love to get through our vows today without Shawni upstaging me like she did at the first wedding.

We've been invited here today to witness and celebrate the uniting in marriage of Kelli and Oliver.

What's everybody looking at?

Oh, my God.

Their new life together.

Boob.

Bo-o-o-o-ob!

Shawni, your boob's out.

It is an all-consuming...

It was really nice of your parents to offer to let us do this at their house.

They love doing stuff like this.

Whenever my mom gets to make mini quiches and my dad doesn't have to get on the "goddamn freeway," they're in. [Chuckles]

Although, having both our families together in one place is probably a little risky.

Especially Shawni and Jason.

Oh, right.

They haven't seen each other since they hooked up at my birthday party like five years ago.

Yeah. Well, that one was kind of your fault.

Honey, an adult sleepover birthday party?

Never a great idea.

S01E10
The Vows

Man: Okay, everybody, look at me.

[Camera shutter clicks]

Oh.

Hi! [Gasps]

Oh, the house looks amazing, mom.

Oh, honey.

We're just so tickled you decided to do it here.

Although I did love being at your parents' country club.

I still have a whole purse full of matches, mints, and golf tees.

Oh, screw that snob factory, Jan.

We're doing it the Durnin way this time.

Nobody's gonna be treated like a second-class citizen at our little shindig.

They wouldn't even let me inside.

That's because you weren't wearing a jacket, which the invitation said was required.

Ooh, sorry I don't speak calligraphy.

But, honey, then the nice man out front lent you his.

He was a parking valet.

I'm not even gonna bring up the whole seating issue.

Officiant: Life together. The ability...

Well, I can't see sh1t.

Tsk.

This is unbelievable.

We're the goddamn mother and father of the bride!

That has been...

Is that Shawni's tit?

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, God! They're here!

Hello, hello.

Here you go, buddy.

And there's a 10 spot in it for you if you leave the car sitting in front.

I'm not a valet, Louis.

I'm a regional award-winning college professor.

[Chuckling] It was a joke.

Nice to see you again.

I'm keeping these, by the way.

Jan, that's quite a dress. Who is it?

Oh, Jo-Ann fabrics. I made it myself.

It's lovely. You could never tell.

Except for the uneven lines and the fit.

Oh, uh, uh, Ricky, Louis, you remember our daughters, Shawni and Dani, right?

Of course.

[Chuckling] Hi. Hi.

[Clears throat] Hi. Hi. Hi.

Didn't you date our son Blake a while back?

She did.

Fingers crossed for another Durnin-Weston wedding at the club.

[Chuckles]

Sadly, dear, my fingers don't do that.

Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. Just had to...

Dani. Hey.

Hey, Blake. You look amazing.

Thanks.

Sometimes my biceps rip my shirts.

You look awesome.

Thanks.

I've only eaten three bananas and a Twix since Wednesday.

Wow.

Hey, so, do you maybe want to get back together just for the ceremony today?

Totally. And then we'd break up again right after?

Yeah, 'cause I have a date with this congressman guy tomorrow.

We're going to a hotel, and we have to use fake names.

Mine's gonna be "shh."

What's the matter, dear?

You don't seem as excited for this as your mother clearly is.

No, I'm super excited to watch my older sister have a second wedding when I haven't even had one and I have a boyfriend that I'm pretty sure isn't gonna propose to me ever.

Uh-oh.

Trouble in...

Well, not paradise.

Hey, how are your nerves?

Oh, not a problem because I wrote everything down on note cards.

Yep.

And they're kind of amazing... even better than last time.

I quote Shakespeare... and Iggy Azalea, so...

[Doorbell rings]

[Gasps] Hi. Hey.

Ricky: Ohh!

My son the doctor!

Wow. Even here.

Yeah.

Where's Claire?

Oh, there wasn't any parking, so I had her drop me off.

Oh, Jason.

You remember my daughter Shawni?

Of course.

Hey, Shawni.

Hey, Jason.

Sorry I never called you.

What?

You know, five years ago, Kelli's slumber party.

God, did we destroy that sleeping bag.

[Chuckles]

Dude, it was just a stupid drunk thing, I wasn't expecting a call.

Look, my wife knows, just an FYI, but no reason to bring it up, you feel me?

Hard to bring up something I barely remember.

[Winded] I found a parking spot, but it was up on the hill.

I'm good, babe.

Jan, you know my sister-in-law Claire, right?

No, I don't.

Hello, Claire. You look beautiful.

Thanks. And?

Wow, like, no insult? I love you!

You must be Shawni.

It's great to meet you.

You're the one that had s*x with Jason?

What did she just say?

Nothing, dad. Nothing.

You had s*x with her?

Wai... okay. Gil, calm down.

Don't "Gil, calm down" me.

If he had s*x with her, you know what that means?

He was drunk?

It means that every boy in your family had s*x with every girl in my family.

Are you [Bleep] kidding me?!

Why are you angry at me?

I married the one I had s*x with.

Your family literally screwed my family.

You rich people with all your money, you think can do whatever you want, like you rule the world.

Well, there's one thing that you can't take care of... me calling off this goddamn ceremony!

Come on, Jan.

Nobody have s*x with my wife while I'm upstairs.

I thought if anyone would ruin today, it would be Shawni, not dad.

But he's gonna come back downstairs, right?

[Sighs] We have to still do our thing.

Honey, everyone has to hear my vows.

You're gonna cry. I call you "my precious dove" like twice.

Everyone, please just relax, enjoy some hors d'oeuvres.

Uh, Shawni, there's another platter in the kitchen. Would you run and get it?

Great. Now I'm the not-married hors d'oeuvres lady?

Gil and I will be down in a sec, and we'll all have the beautiful ceremony we've all waited 10 years to enjoy.

Gil! Jesus Christ!

So...

How was it?

How was what?

The s*x with Jason, dummy. [Chuckles]

You seriously want to talk about that?

Well, why not? I mean, we have stuff in common.

Like... like we both slept with the same guy.

My husband, Jason, the doctor.

Okay, look, I'm not really having the best day, so I don't want to talk about it, okay?

Okay. The topic is off the table.

Just a real quick question, which is, like, how many positions did you do?

And, um...

Did you do any butt stuff?

So, bro, big day.

Damn, you must be nervous.

Yeah, I am a little bit nervous.

I mean, Kelli deserved way better than what she got from me on our wedding day, and I really want to make that up to her.

I mean, that's assuming someone can convince Gil to come back downstairs.

Oh, sorry. Didn't know anyone was in here.

[Chuckles] Guys, you mind if we borrow the room for a bit?

Dani and I really want to... talk.

Blow each other.

Louis, Ricky, this is my boyfriend, Enzo.

Nice to meet you.

What kind of a name is Enzo?

It's Brazilian, but it's roots come from the mountainous regions of Chile.

"Foreign" would have sufficed, dear.

Everything looks so beautiful, babe.

Romantic, don't you think?

Yeah, I love it.

Doesn't seeing all this kind of...

Make you think of something?

Yes, it makes me think that if you can make a mini quiche, imagine how many foods you can make mini.

I can't get your dad to come down. He's really upset.

He feels like he's being mistreated all over again.

[Scoffs] I'm so sick of him doing this.

I'll get him to come down here.

Don't worry.

Okay.

Kelli: Dad! Jesus Christ!

Now, what should I have?

Oh, I have a special drink.

I was gonna serve it after the ceremony, but since it's just us...

What is that?

I call it Jan juice.

It's how I used to drink around the girls when they were little without them knowing.

Ooh, this is strong. Mm.

I like it. [Chuckles]

Would you like to sit?

I think I better.

Great. This guy's in here.

Ugh, I can't be alone anywhere in this stupid house.

Look, you don't have to pretend that you didn't want to date me back then. You just don't.

I get it... good-looking doctor, good family.

Kelli got one of us, why not you?

Okay, I really didn't.

I didn't know who you were, because I was so drunk, until we started doing it and you were like, "yeah, yeah, ride the doctor."

So, if it wasn't seeing me and the amazing life that you missed out on that made you so upset, then what's up?

What do you think?

My boyfriend's never gonna propose, and now I have to sit through my sister's stupid do-over wedding.

And... I don't know. My life's just not really where I thought it would be, you know?

Do you love him?

Yeah, and he loves me. It's just...

I am not talking about this with you.

Oh, by the way, your wife asked me if we did any butt stuff.

Seriously?

Yep.

So, do you want me to lie or tell her the truth?

Hey.

So? Did it work?

Is Gil coming back down? I mean, did you save the day?

No. This day is turning into a disaster.

My stupid dad is being an idiot, and my pissed-off sister is even more pissed off than usual.

Well, I think this day is very hard for her because we're not married.

But what she doesn't know is, I already bought a ring and I'm gonna propose in two weeks at a yet-to-be-determined, reasonably-priced hotel.

[Gasps]

Oh, my gosh! Enzo, that's amazing news!

She'll be so happy.

I know. If we make it another two weeks, it'll be a very happy day.

Hey, buddy, come here.

Yes?

Look, I don't know what you're doing with your girlfriend, but you got to know, she's not happy.

Yes, I was just telling Kelli.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Never interrupt a doctor.

If you don't want to lose this girl, I suggest you man up and propose.

I'm planning to in a few weeks. How quick do you think I should do it?

Based on what I just saw...

That's great. Thank you so much.

I just said, never interrupt a doctor.

Louis never storms out like Gil.

He just falls asleep. [Sighs]

I mean, he falls asleep when he's happy, bored, when the ball is dropping at new year's.

[Laughs]

You're a lot of fun, Ricky.

You know, really, we're not that different when you think about it.

All right. All right, now.

You know, I mean, I'm having a good time with you right now, but let's not start talking nonsense.

Hey, ladies. What's going on in here?

Oh, we're just talking about how lucky we are to have good husbands.

Though no one is as lucky as you, Claire.

Oh, okay. Thank you?

I mean, you are "win the lotto" lucky.

"Only one to survive a plane crash" lucky.

Like, "a horseshoe up your..."

Okay. All right, Ricky.

I get it. Thank you.

Hey, can I ask you a personal question, Ricky?

If you must.

Why are you such a bitch all the time?

[Giggles nervously] I have... think I have to...

That... is a very good question... one that no one has ever asked me before.

Well done, Jan.

You have balls, and I respect that.

That's a hard question to answer.

But at the end of the day, I guess the answer is...

I enjoy it.

Wow.

[Glasses clink]

So, what's up, Gil?

What the hell are you doing here?

Well, Kelli asked me to come up here and talk to you, father to father, see if I can convince you to come down there and help her renew her vows.

To one of your feral boys?

No, thank you. I'm going to a hotel.

So, uh...

What's the real problem, Gil?

The problem is, every time we get together, your family makes mine feel like crap.

All right. All right.

I know how upset you were about the wedding, and I should have taken care of this a long time ago, and I am really sorry, but it's no excuse to give you bad seats at your daughter's wedding.

Agreed.

And about our kids... you have three fantastic daughters.

And sometimes, they're gonna make a decision that you don't agree with, and you can't take it personally.

Uh, oops. Uh, our bad.

How far is your car?

[Sighs]

Hi, daddy.

See?

But sometimes, they're right, like Oli and Kelli 10 years ago.

They did something fantastic.

So, why don't you and I go downstairs like the proud fathers we are and help them celebrate the renewal of their vows?

You know what?

You're right. Let's do it.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Hug?

Sure.

Mwah!

[Clears throat]

Gather the families.

My beautiful daughter and her incredible husband are gonna renew their wedding vows.

So sorry I got upset, Kelli.

That's okay, dad.

Aw.

Thank you.

Anything for the two of you.

You got us that great trip to Mexico last Christmas.

[Clicks tongue] We owe you.

Dad, that was Jason.

Well, I guess you owe me a trip, then.

Okay. You ready for this?

Yep. Are you?

Yep.

Totally fine. Got my cards. [Chuckles]

I'm gonna nail it.

Happy 10 years, babe.

Aw. happy 10 years.

Why don't you go first?

Okay.

Uh... Um...

When I first met Oliver...

I just got engaged!

[All cheer]

[All cheering] Oh!

My Shawni is finally engaged. Oh!

Hey, guys, we're trying to renew our vows over here, so could we please...?

Yeah. Thank you.

Thank you all for joining us on this very special day.

Um...

Honey, do you mind if I go first?

No. Of course, baby.

Okay. [Clears throat]

[Chuckles]

Kelli, these last 10 years have been the most incredible, adventure-filled years of my life.

And... aah! [Gasps]

Aah! My vows!

Help! My vows!

Whoa, great trick.

Oh! [Grunts]

[Sighs]

[Sighing]

Okay, well...

Those are pretty much destroyed.

It's okay, babe.

I'll just say mine, and we'll call it a renewal.

Don't worry. It'll be f...

No, baby, I have to do this. I owe you this.

I owe everybody this.

You know what? I'm just gonna...

I'm just gonna speak from the heart.

[Clears throat] Kelli...

[Inhales deeply]

A big reason for doing this today was to make up for our original ceremony, which we all know was... pretty much a disaster. [Sighs]

Hear, hear.

So, we tried to make everything today perfect, and, well... that didn't really happen, either.

But...

I don't know... that kind of made me realize that maybe things like this are never perfect.

And maybe, in some way, the fact that you and I come from such different families is part of what makes us so good together.

Kelli, I love you more now than I did when we were first married, and you are the most beautiful person, inside and out, that I have ever met.

So, up here today, in front of our families, sweating and starting to shake a little bit...

[Laughs]

I just want to say to you the most romantic and true thing that I can think of in this moment.

Kelli Durnin, without you... my life would be sh1t.

[Laughs]

[Laughs]

My life would be sh1t without you, baby.

[Both chuckle]

Whew! [Chuckles]

God, I was so good up there.

I killed those vows.

I mean, people were literally having, like...

Vow-gasms. [Laughs]

Well, you were pretty great, babe.

Mine were pretty great, too.

I mean, when I compared our love to a flowing river that never stagnates, I saw people's hands go up to their chests.

You know what?

Let's just say that both of our vows were really good.

It's not a competition.

You know what?

Let's find out whose were better.

Girls... Whose vows did you like better... mine or your dad's?

And say whatever you think.

It doesn't matter. No one will get mad.

Actually, both of them were pretty boring.