02x01 - Season 2, Episode 1

Episode transcripts for the TV show "No Offence". Aired: May 5, 2015 to October 2018.*
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"No Offence" follows a group of policemen on the front line wondering what they did to end up where they are on the ugly side of Manchester. Keeping these streets clean is a Herculean task, enough to demoralize even the keenest rookie, but there's a reason these cops are in this force. As the never ending rabble off the local estates pours in, Inspector Vivienne Deering, the station's sharp, odd and hard-as-they-come boss, and her team led by DC Dinah Kowalski (smart but impetuous, stuck in the middle, single mother in her 30s) and DC Joy Freers (buttoned up so tight she might pop. But nobody's mug), show they have what it takes to cr*ck crime and to expose the addled, the skanky, the pimps, the petty and the really proper nasty bastards for the sewer rats they are.
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02x01 - Season 2, Episode 1

Post by bunniefuu »

Any idea in your position --

Echo Tango One... Where's the package?

'Roads clear. ma'am, just approaching a mile out.'

Hear that, g*ng. We're losing time for photography.

If a face is familiar, 'move on, we want to know who the newcomers are.'

'People like this can bring out all the top brass from the arse end of the universe.'

I want to know who Nora Attah knows these days.

Ma'am, you've got a dry cleaning label hanging out of the back of your dress.

'You haven't?'

When was the last time yours was cleaned?

You have been missed, ma'am.

Eyes on Manni Attah, ma'am.

At seven o'clock with people probably worth knowing.

Not screaming volatile to me.

I like her top, though.

No, YOUR seven o'clock.

'He's talking to the crematorium owners.'

He's changed a bit since we last set eyes on him.

Joy, are you getting this?

Joy, focus.

Yep, really focused, ma'am.

All clear as a bell and being processed.

'Ma'am, package has arrived.'

Upjohn.

What sort of way is this, to show up at my son's funeral?

I shouldn't be greeted by you.

Your ex-wife's car's on its way as we speak.

You think so?

My mother is not moving until she's spoken to you.

My condolences, Norah.

My son is a civilian.

Did I gate-crash your husband's funeral?

No. But I appreciated the flowers.

And with respect, I didn't have a convicted m*rder*r on the guest list.

Your husband.

Ex-husband, he invited himself.

A flight risk nevertheless.

So a police presence is non-negotiable.

I'm here to make sure that today belongs to your boy.

Understood?

One favour to ask.

I'm not having uniforms in my Herbie's chapel.

No deal, Norah, your ex is not coming out of handcuffs today.

You and me weigh more.

Jammy bitch, she's getting us in the chapel.

That's not tea. - Er, no. - So, shift it.

We're in.

I need slower sweeps, ma'am, get the whole congregation in.

Yes, beautiful ma'am.

Get us a look at the other front row.

Relax. Somebody is bound to be videoing this. I'll send you a copy.

♪ Amazing grace ♪
♪ How sweet the sound ♪
♪ That saved a wretch like me ♪
♪ And I was once was lost ♪
♪ But now am found ♪
♪ Was blind... ♪

Ma'am!

Ma'am, you all right?

Forget it.

Dinah's got the key.

Dinah, the key!

Dead to us...

Dinah! Key...

Holy f*ck!

What have they done to him?

We've got to go. Let's get out.

Herbie! Where's my son?

Get off me! Where's my son?

Get her out.

Herbie!

Where's my son?

Where's my son?

What was that? Herbie!

Get her into the van.

No, no, no, we've got our own transport.

She's in shock, you're bleeding and we all need out of here. - Herbie!

Be safer than anywhere.

Oi!

It's, the crem owners, they shouldn't be legging it, not with box files.

Oi, stop now.

Ma'am, you OK?

Yeah, yeah. Well, I will be, when Miller tells me what the hell happened here?

Mrs Attah, we need to go now.

Can you two please get into the van.

It's for your own protection.

Tell her to quit shouting, Viv.

Or I'll tape her mouth up.

Don't you dare thr*aten me.

Don't you dare point at me, girl.

Don't you Viv me. Inspector.

Was that a b*mb?

Oh, grow up, b*mb?

Smelled like a b*mb.

We're all praying that was a gas expl*si*n.

Well, I'd put your mats away, that was a big fat w*nk*ng b*mb, Viv.

With bells on.

The b*mb squad haven't had time...

Yeah, well, the b*mb squad haven't actually turned up yet.

And I don't need their data to tell me what is blindingly obvious to insiders. - If you are in a manic phase, I'm not in the mood.

Oh, boom-boom. I'm not the bipolar bear you remember, ma'am.

Yeah, one could easily forget...

Oh, this is nice, wasn't it?

Yes, well, I've just double-checked the footage from the relay and based on the usual 30 years of passion books, conferences, exams and empirical hands on, the depth and velocity of the plume and the colour of the smoke tell me it was a b*mb.

So get your good wellies out, we've sh*t on the way, ma'am.

I've missed working with you, welcome home.

That was Lickberg.

I lied, I told her you're tied up with Norah.

I'm counselling. She needs taking out for a pint as a matter of urgency.

Don't even go there.

She a 12-stepper?

Actually, knowing her, she'll be 13.

Look, just don't invite her out for drinks, we tried.

She stares at you like you've just gone for her knickers.

Ma'am.

Norah's upstairs getting showered and Manni's reluctantly giving us a witness statement.

How much experience do you have of Norah Attah?

I testified against Norah in the 2012 trial.

After the not guilty, she sent me a court artist sketch with me in the witness box.

All the witnesses got one.

You? - She's the only person I ever heard me dad call the C-word.

And that was way before.

I meant professionally on repeatable record.

Dad was on morphine at the time.

I've called a press conference.

I'm announcing it was a Victorian gas main.

Oh, erm, you'll have to give me an hour, just to sort me head out and stick a face back on.

Viv, in all honesty, this can't be the first week back that you visualised. Why don't you go home and when this blows over...

Surviving the day this far.

It would be rude not to see it through, ma'am.

But thanks.

You're getting a lifetime achievement award.

Outstanding achievement.

And not for going home and lying down.

OK, Inspector. We're going to be asked internally whether we should have seen this coming.

Oh, if Norah didn't see it coming, how the hell could we? And she didn't.

Her security at the crem was scraggy.

Until this blows over, that is not how Norah works, she'd spark a riot just to find time to think and rattle your troops.

We really don't want that, ma'am.

So if it wasn't a hit, are we thinking warning?

Nobody uses a b*mb that big to say boo, Christine.

Ma'am.

Ma'am.

Barely repairable.

I know.

She needs your insurance company believing that.

Manni Attah wants his mum.

Is it right we're saying gas expl*si*n, then?

With a blast that size, there's always busted gas mains so it's never a lie.

You OK?

No, Dinah.

"It's your first week back, Viv."

"Stay home 'til it blows over, Viv."

I've been stuck at home, dressed like a sack of sh*t, having to pretend that I'm heartbroken.

I've had to sell my house.

Cos people needed me looking like a wreck who couldn't spend another minute where her husband d*ed.

Which you're supposed to.

Fine!

But this is getting beyond a joke, Dinah.

If you've lied through your teeth about being gutted, don't blame the boss for swallowing that.

I am the boss.

What were the circumstances of Herbie Attah's death?

I've just sent down for the coroner's report.

Ma'am.

This is a health and safety question.

How do you think she's coping?

Very well.

Considering.

We don't want her to burn out in her first week, so keep an eye on her, yeah?

Yes, ma'am.

We're not letting anyone into the crem until we find out what's in the sandbags packing the coffin.

Yeah, we're not interested in the chapel.

If there's any secondaries we're safer at the first ground zero where all the best bits of the b*mb will be.

b*mb? What, we know that?

f*cking right.

Yeah, but the b*mb squad don't like me so try charming the gayest looking ones first.

Do your d*ck on a stick for us.

We need access to as many fragments as possible.

You all right? - Oh, can't just be happy, has to be manic?

No, it's just why walking onto a bombsite makes anybody happy?

Right, nobody opens this without wearing these.

Right, Norah, I'm going to talk to you like a grown-up.

What if that was no gas main, butler?

When I say we're on the same side, that means you pointedly stay on mine within the law, or I'll come down on you like a tonne of bricks.

You've taken over no-one's turf at all?

That you can think of? You've offended no-one?

Well, maybe that's where we start.

Norah's wilting, hit the menopause, time to move on.

I'm going home.

The b*mb squad's currently surrounding your house.

But be my guest, Mrs Attah.

Go and try opening your own front door first.

Mad bitch.

Get after her, don't let her leave the building.

If she ends up in the same room as her lad, do not leave their sight.

Just me?

Obviously not. Gavin.

Only cos I want to see your arse.

That stops right now.

Miller?

You ready for this?

Guess how many bodies we counted?

I thought I was attached to the only fatality.

Yeah, well, when we started digging round in the crater, we were thinking m*ssacre cos there's more arms and legs than a West End show.

But this lot aren't b*mb victims, these bodies were already dead and buried.

Buried, in a crematorium?

Yeah, some more recently than others.

And, we found Herbie Attah.

I'm on my way.

Excellent, ma'am, but they all smell alike, so if you're coming down, bring your Vicks, f*cking reeks.

Mr Cornick, would you mind explaining why we discovered 20 bodies in a ten-foot burial pit, including Herbie Attah's, right behind your crematorium?

Mum signs the agreements.

I manage the business.

I'm not even on the deeds yet.

Yeah, well ask the seedy little sh*t whether or not I gave him the money to gas the flamers, which he then blew on those prostitutes, again and again and again.

Tell her to take her selective cataracts out and face some facts.

The gas bills are hers.

Read the contract.

And don't be thinking just prostitutes.

No, these were real specimens.

Fatter than I can describe.

The size of him beneath those girls.

I mean, how much more ridiculous could anybody want to look?

I did not take part in the disposal of Herbie Attah's body.

I want Nora Attah to know that this would never have happened on my watch.

OK.

Right, so the story so far, yeah.

When the crem owners couldn't pay the gas bills to fire up the incinerators, they started burying bodies in the garden of the crem.

And the cherry on top of their Hieronymus botch job...

I thank you...

Herbie Attah.

So how's Herbie even recognisable if the rest of him's dog food?

Eh? Oh, yeah -- sorry.

How can that belong to that?

Well, it's the same with b*mb vests or anything pyrotechnically chesty, the shock wave expels the head diametrically opposite at the speed of, f*ck, I used to know this.

Anyway, if you look at the intercostal muscles, see, hanging off the ribs, it suggests the b*mb was planted in his torso before he was buried.

What's she doing here? Going to offer me a Parker pen?

Did she mention me?

Er, no, actually.

So, make no bones about it, this morning's att*ck was a monstrous attempt at mass homicide.

They desecrated Herbie Attah's body with a b*mb intended to go off inside the chapel.

If it hadn't been for junior and senior Cornicks' debt and depravity, Nora Attah would've been blown to kingdom come.

As would I. In reverse order.

So the question we're asking is, which of this lot...

The Irish, the Turks, the Poles -- who's thick enough, brave enough, to take on Nora Attah?

No way was it the Poles or Turks.

They prioritise petrol stations round the airport to scrap over.

Hey, has Miller found anything yet connecting the b*mb with the Irish?

That's a racial slur because the b*mb went off outside the chapel.

I'm reporting you.

Yeah, but I know what Spike's thinking and he's not the only one.

Realistically, aren't Earl Kennedy's family the only ones capable of pulling something like this off?

FYI, Peter Kay, I was born in County Kildare.

Actually, Earl Kennedy's got polycystic kidney disease.

He is in and out of St Margaret's five times a week.

This was taken just ten days ago.

Where are these images from?

This isn't authorised surveillance.

Oh, these are voluntary submissions, ma'am, from members of the public, people who are scared. Anonymous, in the main, aside from a few sending errors.

Well, that's fine as long as we're not being spoon-fed misinformation.

A very good point.

As a rule, but in this case, the information is bang on.

Earl Kennedy is on his way out.

Paving the way for son and heir, Jackie Kennedy.

He's notoriously anti-Attah.

And after Nora got her husband sent down and took over his business, Jackie Kennedy told her that she'd never survive without his help.

But in fact, she tripled her turnover.

Where is Jackie?

Oh, yeah, ma'am, one of the Kennedy snitches was with Jackie all morning playing pool.

When the news of the gas expl*si*n broke and that Nora survived, Jackie went white as a sheet.

Check airports, credit cards. Oh, lest we forget, racecourses.

Ma'am. Herbie Attah's coroner's report.

And Nora's still asking where the body is.

What do I tell her? Don't kick off -- your son's not much more than a smoothie.

Gav.

Has anyone else seen this?

No.

Keep it that way.

And tell Nora I'll be escorting her home. - Yes, ma'am.

Did I say bring a circus?

Oh, we could have dressed him up as UBS or Parcelforce, but I presumed you wouldn't want folk thinking you were having to resort to eBay.

They meant it to go off in the coffin during the funeral.

It would've k*lled you, me, Manni and your VIPs.

Instead it was where?

It was with Herbie, in the ground.

I know how Herbie d*ed.

Hadn't he try to take his own life before?

It was an accident.

Twice?

But now I know it wasn't.

They got to him first.

They k*lled him to get us all in one place, take is out in one go.

So convenient. I know my son was m*rder*d.

Nora, for heaven's sake.

Why aren't you thinking like me?

There was no sign of foul play in that report.

Herbie had stopped taking his meds.

He'd stopped attending his paid-for psychiatric appointments.

I'm going to land you slap.

And you're going to get one right back. Now calm down.

I beg you, don't go to sleep pretending that you believe that was m*rder.

Herbie went to a very lonely place to do what he did with that rope.

And he told you himself, he did it to make you stop.

I read his note.

All he had to do was ask.

In person.

He tells me now in a note.

Where was my chance?

That was not fair.

He did ask.

Mum wants me to move back in.

I just...

Looks like the last thing you need.

I didn't have a chance to say how sorry I was for your dad.

Nobody has.

Think on.

Anything you need, anything I can do, we want the same thing.

Day or night -- I never don't ring back.

Manni, Manni!

Ma'am, talk to me.

Jackie Kennedy's plates have just been spotted heading in your direction, two cars.

How far away?

Too late, they're here.

Two miles behind you.

Authorising use of firearms if you need to call it.

Nora.

Mrs Attah.

Inspector. I heard about Herbie's funeral.

My family is devastated, that was a heinous thing to have happen.

And we thought these might do something to help.

Don't flowers arrive before the service?

Be assured my family and friends are at your disposal.

To, excuse me, string up the fuckers that had a go at you.

Oh, fellas, that is my job, and it will be done on behalf of the public.

It's in all of our interest to cooperate. Dad would want that.

I couldn't agree more.

And I know that Herbie was a big fan of red.

I wanted that to matter.

It matters.

A lot.
Inspector.

Inspector.

I'm Detective Chief Inspector Lickberg and this is a warrant to search your premises for b*mb-making paraphernalia.

You're making a big mistake, chief.

Tell the boys I need them all inside.

Echo 22969 to control.

I'm outside Jonno's Irish pub.

This can't not kick off.

It's making my skin prick.

You need to stick your chest out and start patting down, we need to look like we're here aggressively.

Yes, ma'am.

Dinah. - Ma'am. Earl Kennedy is back in business.

You're f*cking kidding.

Don't... don't dial, ma'am, Weather's about to change.

Dinah, I'm putting you on speaker.

Earl was matched to a donor last night, had a kidney transplant this morning.

'They wouldn't let me anywhere near to hear about recovery,' but nurses say, if the kidney takes, he can have another ten years on the clock.

I'll meet you in the hospital in 20 minutes.

Are you not there already?

I need to make a house call.

We could all do. Somebody's looking out for him, they're looking out for us.

I thought Nora had made her mind up and there was no changing it.

Not by me, but by Earl Kennedy.

Earl Kennedy on our side is worth a battalion of cops on the street.

Hiya.

Oh, wow!

You've got it papered. I love it.

I didn't get it papered and I also did two ceilings and half the toilet wall with this spares.

You can come and do mine.

Honestly, you could not pay me enough.

Cathy, listen, I'm sorry about Alf.

I can't imagine what it must be like being on your own with a baby.

Er, neither can she.

Two vaccinations, she never made a peep.

So I thought why don't we get her ears pierced?

You did not!

Donna, that is it! You're packing your bags, and I mean it this time.

Even I know to wait till it starts school.

I'm starving, she needs changing.

I'll put kettle on, but someone else is putting bags in.

Cathy, this isn't a social visit.

We don't think you're safe staying around here.

And I love her saying pack your bags, and I mean it this time.

Every time I find a decent flat, she talks me out of it.

Anyone stolen the sugar?

Come here.

Safe from what?

Well, we can't go into detail, but there's been an att*ck on a local g*ng family and we're expecting repercussions.

They're on about the Attahs.

Who's behind that then?

None of your business, and it's not the point.

You're right in the f*ring line if anything kicks off.

I'm saying I think you're safer moving back into mine until it all blows over, or we need to make other decisions.

You know, if you're all happy in the one room, you're more than welcome, Donna.

Or she could just move in with me if she'd ever let me rent anywhere.

The point is though, if you had to dive into solitary every time it kick off round here, you'd have her dizzy.

Yeah, well, they've upped their game on kicking off -- expl*sives were used.

You didn't hear that from us.

f*ck me.

Dolores Mavis May Kornick, Gerrard Ethan Kornick, you are hereby charged with the indecent disposal of human remains, contrary to common law...

No, we won't make indecent disposal of human remains stick in a month of Sundays, sweetheart.

Oi! Who's interrogating who?

Indecents are variable anyway.

But you've only to bury a body under six inches for it to count as a proper burial.

And we never use less than two feet.

Mum! - So we walk out the courtroom.

Well, I'm too scared to do that.

But he hasn't the guts to stare himself in the face, never mind Nora Attah.

You'd have more luck getting us on the trade descriptions act.

But if you've any mercy for us at all, you'll find another claimant than Nora Attah.

So, if we identify another body, Nora Attah doesn't have a personal say in the sentencing.

Wow, you've been doing your homework, Missus. - No option.

Right, for their sake, we need to find another claimant. - Today?

Joy, are you joking?

Like we've got time to run round skivvying after them?

I don't want to be stood here in three weeks when they both have their throats slit, do you?

Well, to be honest, I wouldn't mind.

Miller, is there anything to give us Jacky Kennedy?

Right, however cooked this device used gold, not copper, and we all know what that means.

No, no, Miller we're not all on your bandwidth today, mate.

Look, just keep your head tidy for me, yeah?

Jeez Louise. What, tidy?

Yeah.

For you?

Yeah.

What, the over-informed single parent who lost her job to a self-tampering Presbyterian?

So, you've the most opinions on anything and everything and every f*cking body, have you? Have you?

What if I have? Look, just yes or no.

Yes, well, bits are looking a bit on Arndale, fine, but that only narrows it down to the Irish Sea.

b*mb was triggered by a mobile phone, so all we do is Snowden the incoming calls to the nearest mast, being the actual crucifix on the crem.

The moment it went off, see who pressed boom. - How long?

Yeah, well, the Home Office need to sign off on it, so have you ordered your tree yet?

Cheeky...! - Miller, it's vital we get the fingerprints from the b*mb.

Am I the boy in the f*cking bubble or what?

There's no Irish dabs on that shrapnel.

No, not the fingerprints from the b*mb, the fingerprints from the fingers of the bodies in the b*mb.

What you want to swim around that sh*t for?

We need one ID to save the crem owners from, well, cremation probably.

20 bodies, all Mancs, one of them is bound to have a record.

Yeah, bound to. Well, all the fingers are over there in hamper number two.

I can show you what you need to do, but we're struggling as it is, so...

OK.

It's just saline you're injecting to swell the outer layers into readable tissue samples.

Whoa! No, no, not OK.

You want us to ID the fingers ourselves?

No, Joy. - Er, Sarge...

No f*cking way, Sarge.

This is why I never joined the Army.

Get that lot to do it.

It all makes perfect sense.

Jacky finds out Herbie's dead, knows his own dad's flaking imminently, stuffs a b*mb in Herbie's coat, it only sounds stupid once it didn't work and you didn't count on the his old man pulling through.

But who -- and fair do's to Jacky -- who could have seen the Kornicks coming?

Why did I think it would stink of piss and bananas?

I've heard he's talking. - Yes. - Any visitors since I was last here? - No.

No phone traffic in or out?

No.

We're obliged to keep Jacky under protection. - From Nora Attah.

Well, you just handed that mad bitch a thousand nails to put in my son's coffin.

All the press can confirm is that we're sweeping for firearms, which is standard practice in turf-related negotiations.

And thanks to Jacky's performance, Nora is convinced that she is looking a total mug.

Jacky paid his respects, for God's sake. Didn't put a foot wrong.

Oh, name single other time when he didn't.

I want Jacky brought here right now.

What, today?

Oh, Earl, are you fit enough for the prospect of him telling you a barefaced lie?

It looks like a d*ck after a night out on E's, yeah, but watch.

I can only show you how to do it if you're watching me.

Right, if you put too much saline in, it's just going to pop.

But if we put just enough in and... now it looks like every other d*ck after a single jump.

Got one.

Right, can somebody drop everything to get this one checked, please?

Wait your turn.

Number 21. There's one here with a shovel in his head.

Today, Nora has every right to rip the world apart, yet she hasn't.

We're thinking it's cos of some su1c1de note.

Herbie suggested, in his own writing, God bless him, that he took his life to pay for her sins.

If Nora kicks back with bloodshed, then she'll be dancing all over his grave.

That's a tenuous presumption to base a plan of action on.

That's the reason nothing's happened yet.

But I do know Nora better than most, and if we don't take full advantage of her grief, things won't stay quiet for long.

Earl Kennedy is alive and recovering well upstairs.

We can't afford to move him out.

I'm suggesting we bring Nora to see him.

Absolutely not. So she can blame him to his poorly face?

No, she's already blaming Jacky, but if she can see for herself what Earl's been parked, she'll know he couldn't have had any part in it.

That won't just make it go away.

No, but she'll have someone senior to negotiate with.

At whose cost? - She'll need to come out of it smelling of roses.

That'll make two of you.

You're admitting to disposal of how many bodies?

I supervised seven.

Me... about 13?

Well, 13.

For the tape, you're taking full responsibility?

Yes.

Yes.

Deceptively disposed of.

Yes.

Yes.

How long until we're shifted to witness protection?

Sergeant Freers is entering the room.

Right, Dolores Mavis May Kornick and Gerrard Ethan Kornick.

I am jointly charging you on suspicion of murdering your husband and your father, Ethan Stanley Brunswick Kornick, at an unspecified time, but I told forensics to work backwards from your last defaulted gas bill.

No, he ran away with all the money.

He ran away, didn't he?

Not with a shovel in his head, he didn't.

He didn't write that last letter to me, did he? - No...

You spent the money and the rest on them... on you again.

Don't be adding two more years to your time, Dolores.

Come on, get that down you.

I've no appetite.

You need the carbs, you're in shock.

You're still shaking.

That'll be the faith in my own judgment running down my legs.

Nora, thank you.

Good of you to come under the circumstances.

Hello, Ern, I didn't know you two were so close.

What happened to you today was sacrilege.

I don't know what your plan is...

Your son tried to take us all out.

Nora, we don't know...

Shut up!

This is not your business.

I think you're giving my son far too much credit.

Just after the b*mb, three cars, known associates of your son, were seen heading for London.

They only turned around and came back when they saw your transplant had been green lit.

Herbie's funeral, Earl, was your son.

I saw it in his eyes, so did she.

You harm one hair on Jacky's head and karma will come at your other kid like a f*ckin' freight train.

Then get well soon.

If there was no deal to be done, you wouldn't have come this far.

And you only heard me out because of your son's dying wish.

For peace.

Go and define your peace.

None of this was sanctioned by anybody I could identify.

Words again, Earl.

All right.

Here's some numbers.

From Mercer Street down to Bannick Lane...

I'll hand over to you, on one condition.

You leave my son to his own devices.

Yeah? - Down to the docks, including assets.

Assets? What assets?

There's 40 girls there.

You see, I would have called them women.

It wouldn't work for you.

As long as they're not working for you, I don't care. They can rot.

With language like that, you'll rot before they do, Nora.

Earl, make a deal.

Save your paddles. These are positive beeps.

He's having a good think about his future.

Deal.

D'you reckon she got what she came for? - You tell me.

She's more faces than a town hall clock.

Hey, who's that? Him, the little sh*t.

Tintin! Send him in.

He can stay.

It's you, nobody in or out, yeah?

You will not be coming back to the house.

You have somewhere better to be now.

Your award.

The awards ceremony is taken care of.

Nora...

I've heard nothing from you that follows through on promises.

Manny, get on the phones.

It was a gas main.

Stand down your protection team.

They will not be there when I get home.

I'm first to admit that behind every great woman there has to be a man saying yes.

But not tonight.

Now, I've seen first-hand what strength, dedication, vitality this officer brings to her job.

Course, you know what's going to happen now. - What?

Chicken Licken Lickberg, she's going to want her name all over those proceedings.

Well, no thank you, ma'am.

Success though it was. You said you were going to wash your hands of it.

Oh! Stop, stop!

Turn back! Do a U-ey! I've left the shoes!

You said you were putting them on so you wouldn't forget them!

Oh.

Now she doesn't know this, and nor did I till today, but applications to her unit are five times higher than average, naming her as their main reason for transfer.

Amongst the outstanding, she is truly outstanding.

If you get us to the gig, son, I'll sign you off early.

Please put your hands together for Inspector Vivienne Deering.

Oh, sh*t!

Oi! I'm being chucked about like a bag of washing!

You stuck at 40 for her!

You're not the first, love. We'll work it out when we get there.

Foot down. Make up for lost time.

But predictably, Viv's out keeping the peace.

So to collect the award is her most recently appointed protege, so ladies and gentlemen, please put your next hands together for Sergeant Joy Freers.

Go on, Joy!

Um...

Better late than never.

After the day we've had, you'll forgive me.

Always a gentleman.

Thank you.

At least she got name-checked.

What is the female for Spartacus?

I'm Spartacus!

So that's how she does it. Plays one of the lads.

Yeah. And very well, actually.

I could listen to that on a loop forever.

Total opposite of the point of promoting women, no?

Thank you. Thank you.

I'll probably get letters saying that this is a mercy trophy after the death of my husband or a consolation prize for the fact that we haven't found his k*ller.

Yet.

But the Taliban were the only mob not claiming responsibility!

So the best of luck to all of us for that result.

But I can genuinely only acknowledge this award...

.. on behalf of a team.

They call me team leader.

But they teach me an awful lot.

Thanks to DCI Lickberg for her kind thoughts.

Had they not knocked 12.5% off our budgets, I might have believed a word she said.

But let them hear this.

They'll regret making me inventive.

Tell my enemies...

.. they'll wish I weren't coming.

So what do you reckon?

sh*t hole.

Very nice.

Compact and bijou.

Ooh.

Where's the wine?

Your fridge is locked.

Who has a lock on the fridge when they live on their own?

I've still got builders on a nearly three-day week.

Hey, Viv, I nearly daren't ask, but why's he in the bin?!

Come on, we'd all shag him.

Now, don't get so picky that we end up having to draw straws.

It tells you to get a grip on what's credible, you know.

For your information, I couldn't wait to get my hands on him.

But... he climbed out of the cab with a voice like Mrs Merton.

Two hours of that? Oh.

He likes to dance both on and off the floor.

Give over.

Oh! Oh! I'm having him.

Carrying on as if nothing's happened is one thing, but she was charging up and down that stage like Susan Boyle!

And what's that "they'll regret making me inventive" supposed to mean?

Joy.

I said you've only ever to ask, but this is the last time I'm offering.

Do you want to know what actually happened?

Let's get on.

Right, share that around.

Will do, ma'am.

Right, guys, got cheese and biscuits -- who wants it?

Ma'am... listen, um...

Something trickled down to me today that I wish I'd never heard and... I know what'll happen, I'll get drunk and I'll say it all wrong and in a temper, so... it's best now.

I know what happened with Laurie's m*rder.

It's been filed past the yellow line, hasn't it?

My nephew, he works in the records office, ma'am.

The case for Laurie's m*rder's been relegated beyond the yellow line and everything beyond the yellow line has been filed under NAB.

No active budget.

So I'm told.

Don't blame the lad, you know -- he's just as gutted, and technically, it's trickled up, so, you know...

Is that true?

They're cold-casing it?

Are the CPS for f*cking real?!

Oh, they so are, Spike.

Ladies, I...

But it's with my full consent.

After 13 months, 110 men, three forces chasing tails, it's unaffordable by any stretch.

I was going to tell you all on Friday.

All the disciplines are agreed.

The death of my husband wasn't part of somebody's big plan, it... It was just a...

Just a big day for a shitty little nobody.

Look at my face.

I'll never let this case go.

What if it were better for me if you did, Spike?

We're 200% with you.

Aren't we?

You say you want closure, we're... 200%.

Hey, you need to move on.

I need to get drunk, Spike.

Sorted, eh?

I'll take the wine.

Got the drink!

To teamwork.

Hey, how's the party going? What am I missing?

Miller's self-medicating.

We've only just seen a proper drink, so still early doors.

I requested a shift change. You said about half an hour?

Right. Well, I'll find us a cubbyhole for a quick jump when you get here, then.

You're on.

Oi! Idiot!

Oi! Stop!

Oi!

What the hell?

Kim Garvey. 22 February 2002, so that's Pisces.

Earl, hang in there, mate.

Yeah, you can make it through this.

Shut the f*ck up!

Echo-2-6-5-1-1.

Earl Kennedy's been stabbed, need a forensics unit.

Big smile.

Need a...

We need some help!

We all in? Where's Viv?

Viv!

Come on, Viv! - Come on, ma'am. - Come on, take it.

Viv!

I don't use kids.

You used one to k*ll Earl Kennedy.

Inspector, this is a complete...

Shitstorm?

Let me go back to the case.

Why? So you can jeopardise it even more?

Shift!

If she doesn't let me put this down to bed we're going to be partying like it's the Salford riots all over again.

That black bitch's head is going to roll right down the alley for what she did to my da.

Got family trapped, second floor.

Do not go near that building.
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