01x20 - Girl Meets First Date

[bunniefuu]

Ah, the end of the year.

The weather changes, kids pair off, first love.

It amazes me how the power of love sometimes guides the perfect couples right into each other's arms.

And sometimes it does that.

But it's still first crush and I love this time of year.

(Chuckles) Probably because I don't have to worry like those other poor sap, seventh-grade fathers.

(Laughs) Wait a minute.

(Soft music playing)

No-ooo!

Dad, are you out of your mind?

Riley, it's time for the talk.

In front of the whole class?!

Yeah, give her the talk. Let's see what you know.

Okay.

When a daughter...

Stop.

Excuse me.

Not today, chachi.

(Grunts)

Sir, you've known me all year.

You like me, admit it.

I don't wanna.

I'm one of the good kids. What are you so afraid of?

Okay.

No-ooo!

(Trails off)

Okay, guys.

It's seventh-grade spring fever, which leads to dating, which leads to movies, which leads to popcorn, which leads to putting your hands together in the dark touching the popcorn, which leads to holding hands, which leads to that.

Oh, I am not ready for this.

Come with me. Come here.

Come on, no, come on.

Come with me.

Riley, I am begging you, stay in neverland, okay?

No growing up.

What do you want?

The way I see it, I'm in an interesting position here.

How do you figure, Farkle?

Let's approach this as a scientific equation.

You're scared of Lucas going out with Riley, right?

(Scoffs) Oh, does it show?

Yeah, he's good-looking and athletic.

He's 36!

Give your daughter to me.

I'll give you four oxen and my best milking cow.

Are you actually thinking about this?

It's a good deal.

I will decide who I go on my first date with at such time as somebody asks me.

(Theme music playing)

♪ I've been waiting ♪
♪ for a day ♪
♪ like this to come ♪
♪ struck like lightning ♪
♪ my heart's b*ating like a drum ♪
♪ on the edge of something wonderful ♪
♪ face to face with changes ♪
♪ what's it all about? ♪
♪ Life is crazy ♪
♪ but I know I can work it out ♪
♪ 'cause I got you ♪
♪ to live it with me ♪
♪ I feel all right, I'm gonna take on the world ♪
♪ light up the stars, I've got some pages to turn ♪
♪ I'm singing "go-o-o" ♪
♪ oh oh oh oh ♪
♪ take on the world, take on the world ♪
♪ take on the world ♪
♪ take on the world ♪
♪ take on the world, take on the world. ♪

Why do you think he put his hand back down?

Because your Dad wouldn't call on him.

(Laughs) And I don't think he ever will again.

(Sighs) Life used to be so simple, Maya.

Wake up, brush my hair, eat cereal, pick up the bowl of cereal that I dropped.

When did all of this pressure happen?

Boys have it easy, they get to ask.

Girls have it easy.

Yeah, we gotta do all the asking.

All they have to do is say no.

Well, they could say yes.

They could do that?

Oh yeah, they wouldn't last a day in our shoes...

Waiting for them to get the courage to ask us?

And then doing the vacuuming and ironing the babies.

Riley, this isn't the '90s anymore.

You want something, you go get it.

You're telling me you're not a little bit afraid of this?

No.

You're saying that if you had feelings for somebody that you wouldn't be nervous?

No, the only thing that makes me nervous is that the thing that everybody wants to happen never happens because everybody's too afraid to make it happen.

You know what I was always afraid of?

What?

You.

How come?

I know we're good friends and all, but I've always considered you a bit of a thr*at.

Just like I know you've always considered me a bit of a thr*at.

Yeah, you keep me up at night.

But now I realize you're actually the solution to my Riley-Maya dilemma.

How do you figure?

I just never asked one out because I knew it would break the heart of the other.

What if I ask one of 'em out?

Bye-bye, I get the other one.

What if I ask the other one out?

Hello, I get the first one.

How long you wanna do this?

Well, there's only two of them.

So you're gonna ask one of them out?

Maybe I will... Someday.

Hey, Ranger Rick.

Hey, other one.

You wanna go out with me?

What?

You wanna take me to a movie and put our hands in the popcorn at the same time and see what happens, or what?

Okay, you and me 'cause I don't care.

(Gasps)

(Hisses)

Yeow!

Back, traitor.

Traitor, me?

Could this possibly be because I asked Lucas out?

You asked Lucas out.

What? You're upset?

I'm beyond upset.

I'm whatever the next one is.

What, you think he's cute?

He's a'ight.

What, you wanted him to ask you out?

Maybe, but now you ruined my eight-year plan.

Riles, you've been all goofy about Lucas since you fell into his lap on the subway.

You pushed me.

And now I pushed him.

What do you mean?

Don't worry about it.

I am worried.

I am worried about our friendship which you have called into question on this day.

Oh, all right, you want to ask each other questions?

Go ahead.

Why did you ask him?

How long do you know me?

Where are you taking him?

You think I would hurt you?

What are you gonna wear?

You don't think I have a bigger plan?

Can I at least be your maid of honor?

Of course, when I marry anybody else in the world besides Ranger Rick.

(Scoffs) What?

You're just going to date him and then throw him away?

Hey, whack job?

Yes.

He doesn't wanna go out with me.

He's not going out with me. He's never going out with me.

Well, if he doesn't want to go out with you, do you not want me to go out with him?

(Sighs) Come here.

Life is changing, isn't it?

Yes.

But this never will.

(Doorbell rings)

Who's that? I wasn't expecting anybody.

Oh, I was.

You.

(Mimics) Me.

Auggie's not home.

Yeah, I'm not here to see Auggie.

Riley's not home either.

Hi, Lucas.

That's right, I lied right in yo' face.

Actually, Mr. Matthews, I'm not here to see her either.

You're not?

You're not?

I want to do this the right way.

So first, I'm here to talk to you, sir.

(Chuckles)

I want to do this the right way too, Lucas.

No!

Mr. Matthews, would it be possible to speak to you alone?

About homework?

No.

About a grade?

No.

Then this has nothing to do with me and you've come to the wrong place. Good day.

Actually...

I said good day, sir.

But I need to talk to you.

Is this about a historical event?

I can only speak to you about historical events.

Yes.

Well, then go right ahead.

I'm asking you permission to ask out your daughter.

You tricked me.

That's right, I lied right in yo' face.

Get him, Topanga.

My pleasure.

Lucas... You are about the most charming young man I have ever met.

Yeah!

But as delighted as I am that in this day and age you would come to get our blessing, Do you really think that Riley is ready...

Yes!

(Scoffs) Riley, be cool.

Yes.

Topanga, we really need to talk.

Mr. Matthews, we really need to talk.

Good, help me.

When a father turns a certain age, things will start happening to you that you don't understand. It'll confuse you, but it's a magical time.

Shut up.

Look, don't worry. This is all normal and it's just your body's way of telling you that you are a woman.

Look, if it makes you feel any better, don't think of it as a date.

Think of it as a beautiful fantasy world that only includes the two of them and not you anymore.

I appreciate you, Maya.

I think you're pretty fierce.

Hey, kiddies.

Uncle boing.

Whoo.

My brother!

My brother!

Hey, I come with news.

Thank you, I'm good.

I'm joining the N.Y.U. Pre-college program so I'll be here all summer.

Okay, I'm no good.

I gotcha, honey.

Josh, would you do me a favor and explain to your niece that she is way too young to go out on her first date?

Niece...

What kept you so long? Welcome to the party, guys. Enjoy.

Get out of my house!

I'll go the party with you, Josh.

Still too old for you, Maya.

Three years, what's three years in the history of love?

They found some cavemen footprints, a man and a woman, they didn't know how old they were.

All the scientists could tell was that they were holding hands. You know why?

That was all that was important.

Wow, Maya.

Keep looking at me.

Ooh, you know what's really important is I have my first appointment with my campus advisor downstairs.

So I have everybody's permission except Mr. Matthews?

Lucas, I like you.

I really do.

But do I look like the kind of guy that would let his child go out on a date this young?

I put a ring on it.

What?

We're engaged.

Oooh, let us tell you why you're not engaged.

Let me tell you why we are.

Sing it, baby.

♪ Look at me ♪
♪ I'm Ava Morgenstern... ♪
♪ Matthews. ♪

(Chuckles) What?

Oh my gosh. Look at this ring.

It looks just like mi...

Hey! Give me this.

Yeah, it's Auggie's grandma's ring.

(Scoffs) It's actually my ring.

Oh, you're not Auggie's grandma?

Ava honey, are you looking at me?

You looking at me right in my eyes?

Okay good, I got something to say, ugh!

Ava: Eww!

Greetings, Matthews, I've come to ask Riley out on her first date now that Maya has asked out Lucas.

What?

Why would you do that?

Because nobody does nothin'.

You lit the fire, huh?

Somebody had to push these two kids together.

Have I told you lately I think you're pretty fierce?

Have I told you lately I think you're pretty fierce?

(Chuckles)

What's going on?

What's going on, Farkle, is that this kid here wants my blessing.

You want it?

I do, sir.

You got it.

Really?

Really?

Really?

Really?

Because I got a cow in the elevator.

On one condition.

Uh-oh.

I want this to be a double date.

Okay?

If you are gonna go out with him, then you...

Are gonna go out with him.

That works for me because you're Riley or Maya.

Dad, you can't just tell her who to go out with on her first date.

Oh, don't think of it as a date, Maya.

Think of this as a magical time and a journey to include...

(Blows raspberry)

(Sighs)

So...

Yes.

Riley...

Yes.

Maya...

I'll fix it.

Would you like to go out with me?

Y...Ay!

I can't fix that.

So, Maya...

No.

Would you...

No.

I mean it, Maya.

Would you whatever he's doing with her?

Yeah, fine.

So what is your primary reason for choosing N.Y.U.?

Academics, location, or other?

Uh, well, it was academics.

But now it's other.

I can't believe you'd let Farkle be your first date so Lucas can be mine.

Riles, I'm not gonna look at it as a first date.

We hang out with Farkle all the time.

This is just... more hanging out.

But Farkle thinks it's a date.

Then this is just more Farkle thinking it's a date.

But does that mean that my date with Lucas isn't actually a date?

No no, your date with Lucas is serious right-of-passage, coming-of-age, growing-up stuff.

Should I be scared? (Chuckles)

Of Ranger Rick?

Sure, honey, you be as scared as you like.

Well, I don't think you need to be anywhere near that scared.

We have to go.

Why?

Maya, please. Do you trust me?

More than anyone in the world.

Then don't turn around.

Okay, if you say not to, I won't.

Let's go.

Oh, wait, I forgot. I'm still me.

You know what the best thing is about going out with Farkle?

What?

No matter what happens I won't get hurt.

How do I look, mom?

(Sighs) Like your father won't let you out of the house.

Good.

Do you remember your first date with Dad?

Oh... We were two years old and we played in the playground.

No, we were eight and we caught fireflies.

No, we were in sixth grade and we kissed against the lockers.

No, we threw socks into a laundry basket.

No, he fell into a llama pen at the zoo.

No, that was his first date with Shawn.

Well, I am really excited for my first date.

Oh, what girl wouldn't be.

All right, let's get this thing over with.

Ay chihuahua.

What?

For someone who does not care you do look pretty ay chihuahua.

Yeah, I just figured even though I'm not counting this as a first date it seems like it's a pretty big deal for Farkle so I wanted to give him at least 84%.

Good.

So you're feeling better about my Uncle Josh?

No, that's just another lump of coal I'll bury deep in my dungeon of sadness next to my daddy issues and ballerina dreams.

Maya, I didn't know that you dream of being a ballerina.

I don't. I dream of ballerinas kicking me with their pointy toes while they're stabbing me in the face with their bun heads.

Oh.

Well, you look great.

Okay, guys.

I know that you love each other and that you probably wanna get married.

But I wonder if you understand the actual responsibilities that go along with being a couple.

It means we push only each other on the swings.

And never share a cubby with anybody else.

Even if I'm home sick.

It was one time.

How long are you gonna hold this over my head?

I don't want you sharing a cubby with Emma Weathersbee.

Her rain boots mean nothing to me.

Now you see, guys, this right here...

This is why you probably may not be ready to...

But it made me feel bad.

It hurts my heart that it made you feel bad.

Do you, Auggie Doggie Matthews, promise for the rest of our lives to never make me feel bad again?

I do.

Hold on.

And do you, Ava Melanie Ruth Esther Morgenstern, promise to care about me and never make me feel bad either?

I do.

No, you don't.

What was that?

Honey, the girls just got ready for their first date.

You missed a real milestone in our child's life.

Oh yeah?

Let me be the first to introduce you to Mr. and Mrs. Auggie Doggie Matthews.

Oh... that's just... it's great.

Well, then let me be the first to carry the bride over the threshold.

Whee!

Whee!

But...

Hey, that's my wife.

Go to bed!

Okay.

What if I get nervous and I have nothing to say?

Farkle, Riley and Maya are our friends.

We've been together all year and you haven't run out of things to say yet.

And if you do, I'll be right here to...

What's the matter?

Oh my gosh, look at Maya.

She's giving me like 84%.

I expected a cat t-shirt and sweatpants, but look at her.

Hey Maya, let's run towards each other in slow motion.

Maya!

No.

Come on, you know you want to.

Farkle, who else would... stop.

Hi.

Hi.

I thought I was going to be too nervous to say anything, but I'm not.

I'm talking really good. I'm a good day-talker.

I'm the best day-talker there is.

Even though this just happened, there are some moments you know you're gonna remember forever.

This is one of 'em.

I'm the second-best day-talker there is.

Oh, train's coming. All aboard.

(Mimics horn)

Well, this concludes our tour of the N.Y.U. Area.

I hope you'll enjoy the summer program.

Yeah, and I hope we can enjoy some of it together.

(Chuckles) Well, I'm sure I'll see you around.

Wait a minute, um, I thought...

What?

I thought we were kinda...

What?

Getting along.

I mean, weren't you smiling a lot at me and stuff?

I'm a tour guide, Josh.

It's my job to be nice to high school kids.

Well, this is pretty easy so far.

Because we're already friends.

Let's always be friends no matter what happens, okay?

Yeah, first let's see what happens.

Okay.

I don't wanna jinx this but it's just like us hanging out at school.

What could possibly go wrong?

Sophie, Sophie, um...

I thought we connected pretty well.

I'm gonna be a junior, junior.

I got a couple years on you, don't I?

What's three years? You think three years matters at our age?

Yeah, I do.

Maya?

She pulled that three-years-older thing on you, huh?

(Chuckles) Yeah yeah.

I really put myself out there.

Oh, I'm sure I couldn't possibly identify with your pain.

Cavemen? Footprints?

Hold hands?

Hurts, doesn't it?

A little bit, yeah.

How do you deal with it?

Well, me, I've got this dungeon of sadness.

Oh yeah? You got me in there?

Oh yeah. You and a whole flock of ballerinas.

Lucas?

Go over there, Riley.

Be with your best friend.

But what about our date?

I had a good time.

I'm glad you were my first date.

What happened to your date?

We had a good time and then my best friend got all needy.

Yeah, I know how that goes.

Thanks for being there for me.

Hey, I'm sure you'll make it up to me someday.

(Doors chime)

How about now?

Again? (Chuckles)

Whoa!

Hi, I'm Riley.

We were just talking about you.

(Laughs) I'm Lucas.

I love it.

You know those moments that you were talking about that we're going to remember forever?

Yeah?

Not bad, Farkle.

Tell your friends.

Our little girl went on her first date.

Our little boy got married.

I say we move to Florida.

Nice!

Mine was like when it's summer and then the breeze comes up and then it rains for like two seconds and then everything glows and there's a rainbow.

How was yours?

Mine was like a shih tzu going after a chew toy.

So it was a magical night for the both of us.

You realize, Topanga, that...

Life as we know it has changed.

You realize, Maya, that...

Life as we know it has changed.

Scared?

Scared?

Nah.

I got you.

No.

I got you.