04x03 - The Dad Club

[bunniefuu]

So strange. I FEEL different.
You know?

As I saw as soon him, as soon as I
saw that little fella, I thought,

"Yep, life will never be the same."

The love you feel, it's...

Why are you talking to me?

I've just become a father.

I don't care.

Nor do I. None of us do.

I'm not just a teacher, OK?

This is me opening up a little bit.

Jason, you know. What have I done?

Nothing, I'm just
saying I've become a dad.

I shouldn't even be
in the behavioural unit!
All I did was eat some clay!

All I'm saying is some of you might
become parents one day.

No way, I'd get rid.
Who'd bang you?

Your dad has.
Help me out here.

Come on, you've had a couple of
kids. You were looking for me?

Yes.

I would like paternity leave.

No. I'm entitled.

Hardly. You're not in
a relationship with the mother

and you live in a retirement
village.

Can I have any time off? Tomorrow.
Saturday?

Correct.

SHE FARTS

SHE SIGHS

Jackpot.

Late for breakfast as usual, Daniel.
Late by your standards, yes.

I don't have to get up at am.

But then, neither do you.

You'll need to be here at
five o'clock sharp tonight.

We won't wait.

What? It's Ham Saturday!

Honestly, do you ever listen?

Your mother does a ham every
last Saturday of the month.

I've already chosen my outfit.

It's a meat night at a retirement
village, it's not the Mobos.

Besides, I'll be spending
tonight with my son, obviously.

Emma won't want you fussing.
She won't want a silly billy

in the way. Poor dear will have
a vag*na like a stamped bat.

OK. I'm out.

Oh. Carol.

Have I shown you a picture
of my child?

Carol?

Oh, Daniel, sorry.

Sergeant Lick has had a
bad morning.

I let him out to make watter
and he were att*cked. What by?

A giant chicken.

I saw it with me own eyes.

It was the size of a turkey,
but it were a chicken.

How can such a bird exist?

Do you think you should
go somewhere else, rather

than the breakfast area?

If I bring my son to visit, it's
not very hygienic, is it?

Oh, but it's just he's very
old and he had to be sedated.

This is where he curled up.

Well. I could put him on the big
bean bag.

Oh, the conflict is debilitating!

Sorry. Sorry!

You can be so thoughtless!

Sergeant Lick is like a son to her.

Well, I'm an actual dad, but no-one
seems interested in that.

You haven't got a clue about
parenthood. You long sh*t.

Goodbye.
Five o'clock sharp, for ham, Daniel.

I haven't got time for this.
I should be on my fifth travel
sweet. One per hour, no chewing.

It'll only take a minute, Brian.
Please, just a bit of financial
advice.

It's my daughter's birthday.

I need to get there early
to make an impact.

She's been up in Scotland a long
time and she's beginning to turn.

Some people are gay, Brian.
Deal with it.

What? She's six years old. It's her
accent, it's becoming...

Scottish.

So? People always change their
accents.

What about that time Mickey banged
his head? Chinese for a whole year.

I didn't buy that then,
I don't buy it now. The man's got
attention deficit disorder.

Oh, Brian, please!
All right, shut up.

I'm looking. It's a mess.

It's a good system.

Putting stuff in a box labelled
"things I don't understand"

is not a system.

Why don't you understand this?

Hello, Brian?

She's dead.

So you don't understand
the concept of time?

Ah, good, you brought it.

Reluctantly. I have memories
attached to that. All right,
Seamus Heaney.

It's a pram, not a lock of your
father's hair. Brian's in a grump
because his daughter has

gone a wee bit Scotland.
Exactly my point.

The word in this country
is small. Not wee.

Right. Would anyone like to ask me
how I feel about becoming a father?

What's this? No?

Shakira, would you be interested in
seeing a video of my new baby?

Would you be interested in seeing
one of me pissing in a bin? I see.

Things have really changed.

Even colours seem more vibrant,
you know?

Hello!

Oh, my God. Jo!

Yeah.

They're letters from my pen pal,
Humrick.

I say pen pal - I don't write back.

Humrick - little bit dull.

Not Humrick, Jo -
HMRC - these are tax demands.

Why aren't we talking about me?

I've had a child! I've got to
concentrate. Shush!

Jesus Christ.

f*ck, yeah.

You need to drink some more water.

That looks like cloudy honey.

I won't be ignored.

I created life!

Jo, these are dating back to the
' s, you could owe thousands.

We need to get you an accountant.

It's OK. This is good.

It's not good.

I'm freaking the f*ck out.

When I get back from Scotland,
we'll...

Can't believe it. I can't believe
I've had a baby.

Me! You haven't had a baby.

I had a baby.

You were useless.

Hey. It was emotion. Dry retching
over a bin, repeatedly saying,

"Here it comes again.
This is the one," is not emotion.

Well, I'm Superdad now.

I've remembered the pram.

You're too late. Mum and Dad
bought a new one today.

That's nice.

Where's that little smasher?

Hello! Oh...

Hello. Lovely to see you.

He's adorable.

He's really special.

Yeah, he's a one-off.

And I hope this is appropriate.

He's got a lovely penis.

We've brought you some nappies
and some flowers.

You should see what he's done
with the nursery, he's painted it

from top to bottom.

And what did I find in the loft?

A certain little frock that a
certain little girl used to wear!

No!

You!

Oh.
# Follow the yellow brick road

# Follow the yellow brick road

♪ Follow, follow, follow, follow
Follow the yellow brick road. ♪

I'm a cowardly lion.

I haven't got a heart.
I'm sick as f*ck! Ah...

NURSE COUGHS

Hello? Did you not see the sign?

Oh. Oh...

Oh. No, I should...

I should be the one to go.

Well, if you just pop outside
for a bit.

Well, I'll tell you what.

I'm his dad.

I'll take him out for a while.

Sorry, did I say something funny?

The child is a day old.

What were you planning?
Take him out bowling?

What did you have in mind?
An afternoon on the r*fle range?

Why not get him some
rollerblades, you stupid bastard?!

Jo.

'Dear Brian. The taxman could be
anywhere.

'I've gone off-grid. Is that how you
spell grid?

'I've stared at it too long now,
it looks weird.

'Grid, grid. Grid. Grid. Grid, grid.
Grid. Grid.'

Jo.

Listen, this is ridiculous.

I've looked through the rest
of your papers and essentially

you've never existed.

Anyway, I'll help.

Now call me.
I need to hit the road in my car

while I'm worried about you.

ANSWERPHONE BEEPS

HEAVY SCOTTISH ACCENT: Och, Daddy,
I forgot to say just now

I cannae wait to see you at my wee
birthday party.

m*therf*cker!

SHOUTING

MUSIC: Let Me Be The Man My Daddy
Was by The Chi-Lites

# Oh, let me be

# The man my daddy was

# Oh let me be

♪ The man... ♪

Sorry about that, buddy.

He's got a brutal left foot.

I know you. Do you?

You're that bloke that was trying
to live in a gym.

I wasn't trying to live in a gym.
Yes, you were, you were trying to
live in a gym.

What? You living in a pram now?
Supposed to be for my son.

You've got a kid? You? Little boy.

Didn't have you pegged as a dad.

Honestly, just being truthful,
I thought you were the biggest loser
on the earth.

I mean...tried to
live in a gym.

Hey! I wasn't trying to live in the
gym. Yes, you were,

you were trying to live in the gym.

Well, I am the biggest loser on
earth.

Not even allowed to take him out.

What do you mean?

Me and the mum aren't together,
so...

This pisses me off.
My girl is the same.

She didn't think Dad time matters,
but it matters, man.

I had to tell her who Poppa Bear
was.

Who is Poppa Bear? I'm Poppa Bear,
and you're Poppa Bear.

I'm not Poppa Bear. Not with that
attitude.

That's why I started the Dad Club,
to give poppas the time they need

with their little cubs.

You want to hang with the Dad pack?

I'd love it. Er...

Tell me you're Poppa Bear.
I'm Poppa Bear. Mean it.

I'm Poppa Bear. Bears roar, they
don't mew like a p*ssy.

I'm Poppa Bear. Mean it!

I am Poppa Bear!

Louder. I'M POPPA BEAR!

It's still a no.

I am Poppa Bear.
I'm Momma Don't Give A sh*t.

Oh.

Look. I know you both know where
she is.

She just not show.

She's supposed to be here dressed as
the big egg.

Of course she is.

OK.

Mr Crumbs. Mr Crumbs, do
you have children?

No. Crumbs only have fish and
lizard.

OK. That'll work.
What are their names?

Dominic.

What? Both of them?

Sorry, both of them are called
Dominic?

The fish and the lizard?

OK.

I'm sure you love Dominic
and Dominic very much.

So much. So, so much.

Good.

Well, just imagine someone
was stopping you from seeing them.

No!

Why?

Why they stop Crumb from seeing
Dominic?

Where are Dominic?

No, no, they're not...
Dominic are fine.

I just wanted you to imagine...

Who take Dominic?

WHY? DOMINIC!

Have you any idea at all
where she might be?

Well, thank you!

MESSAGE ALERT

Oh, Dan. I'm so sorry
Sergeant Lick's still here.

I should move him because
it's ham night tonight. Oh!

No, you can't...
You can leave him, actually, Carol.

I'll watch him for you.

Oh, you are so kind.

You're going to make
the best dad in the whole world.

Well...

# Take good care of my baby

♪ Please don't ever
make her blue... ♪

DOG BARKS

# Just tell her that you love her

# Make sure you're thinking of her

♪ In everything you say and do... ♪

LAUGHTER

I said, "Lady, do I look like I've
got the time to get a haircut?"

""I've got a baby. I'm amazed if
I get a chance to wash my balls!"

I know what you mean. I do.

You should have plenty of time,
the amount of sleep that kid gets.

Yeah! When are we going to get
to meet your little lad?

Hopefully, not today, right, lads?
Let them sleep, eh?

You don't want to let him
kip too long

because he won't sleep tonight.

Here's the thing. With mine,

he will.

Confident!

Excuse us. Need to see a man
about a quiche.

Oh, quiche! Oh!

LAUGHTER

So, he sleeps OK at night, then?

Yeah. Ye-ah! I wish you would share
the secret - mine's a nightmare.

Oh! Yeah. How do you get him off?

Oh, I, er...

I sing.

Oh. What do you sing?

You wouldn't know it.
Really? What is it?

It's, er...

It's an old Jamaican lullaby.

What? Yeah, when I was travelling
I learned it from a wise old woman.

Works a treat.

Bullshit. Not bullshit.

Beautiful.

What's it called?

It's called Under De Coconut Tree.

It's called what? It's called
Under De Coconut...

What's all this? Hello, you two!

Dan's going to sing us his song
that gets his kid off!

Oh, hey! I'm not!

Come on! f*ck off!

Seriously. f*ck off.

OK, Papa Bear. I want to meet
this boy. I'm going to get him up.

No, no, no, no!
He needs more sleep.

No, he doesn't.
He doesn't need more sleep.

I'm going to get him up.

HIGH-PITCHED REEDY VOICE:
# Under de coconut tree-ee...

# Why is my bay-bee so sleepy?

# Because he can hear
de sound of the sea

♪ Lapping by de shore
of de coconut tree-eee. ♪

BASSO PROFUNDO: # Coco-nu-uu-ut! #

Hello! Escaped the midwives, then?

Ah, yes, they let me out.

Yeah, they probably
just needed the bed.

Oh...

Sorry. Do you want me to
put this out?

No, don't you worry. Don't you
let the newborn spoil your f*g.

Yeah. I'll put it out.

Aw...

He's beautiful, by the way.

Doesn't look at all like his dad.

Yeah. Touch wood.

Don't you touch any wood.

That's what got you into
this mess in the first place.

So you haven't seen Dan, have you?

He came by earlier,
seemed a bit panicked. No.

I'm worried we might have
crowded him out a bit.

Yeah. The hormones can make you act
like a bit of a twat.

Cool. See you, then. See you later.

WHISPERS: What the f*ck?

LAUGHTER

Bit of a whiff coming from
over there.

Yeah, he's a farter, all right.

Whoo! Almost like it needs changing.

The baby that never
leaves the pram.

Dan!

What the f*ck? Shh!

What are you doing?
I've joined Dad Club.

Well, I've just seen Emma
with your baby,

so what the f*ck is in there?

WHISPERS: Shut up!
Oh, my God! Is that a...

I have told you, he's sleeping!

Have you lost your mind?

So you're allowed to see
the mystery kid?

Yeah. Dan, have you not let them see
the mystery kid?

Well, he needs changing,
so we can all see him.

He is a bit smelly, man.
Yeah! Come on, Dan!

Yeah, but.. I mean...

Come on, Dan. Come on! Come on!

You can do it. Come on,
what's wrong? You can do it!

Come on, Dan!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

I think I know my own kid!

For God's sake!

Let's get him changed!

Honestly! Come on.

SPLASH

Ooh! There she goes!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hello? I couldn't help notice,
you didn't take any nappies in.

So I brought you one.

No, you're all right!

You need a nappy, right?

No.

Why not?

He uses the toilet.

A baby?

Yep. I trained him to use
the toilet. So...

Right. Well, when you're done,
I'd like to use it.

Yup.

Coming.

FAILS TO FLUSH

WHISPERS: Oh, f*ck.

Oh! No!

All done.

Jesus Christ!

Your baby did that?

Yeah.

It's massive.

You did this. No, I didn't.

Bullshit. Not bullshit, baby sh*t.
He's had a bit of malt loaf.

It's bigger than he is!

He goes once a week like a sloth,
get over it!

Show me your kid.

No.

Oh...

Ah!

Just taking him out for
a bit of air.

Come try this quiche for me.
You can really taste the fennel.

Yeah. Back in two ticks.

Thanks for that, you d*ck!

I'm a d*ck? What are you playing at?

I just want to belong to something,
all right?

The Lipseys have cut me
out of my own son's life.

I'm out of the inner circle.

Had to start my own.
All right. Calm down.

Let's go and have a pint.

Yeah, all right. Come on. Quick one.

You reckon your son will be OK
beside some bins

where dogs clearly piss?

It's not going anywhere. Come on.

Jo, you need to pick up. I should be
in Skelton Services by now.

Jo, if I get up there late

and those girls are eating offal
and head-butting tourists,

you and I are going to have words!

Sorry I'm no fun on your birthday,
darling,

but I spent yesterday playing
hide and seek with an Oxbridge twat!

Now I'm a little bit tired.
Not a wee bit. A little!

Freedom!

Unbelievable.

No respect at all.

Just leaving it in
the middle of the street.

Just relax, Dan,
everything's going to be fine.

Thanks.

Honestly, you are an idiot.

Now, get back to your daddy mates,
they're missing you.

Yo! Papa Bear!

The others are at Nando's.

They've been given
their wooden spoon.

Oh, thanks. I better
get the little one home.

Yeah? Where is he?

Oh. He's, er...

Oh, he's gone!

You left him at the side of a pub
near some bins? Yeah. I did.

And, yeah, he's gone.

Jesus Christ!

I'm sure he'll be fine. Your baby
has been stolen, you f*cking nutter!

Or has he? Is there a baby?

Yes, there's a baby.

He's in shock.
I'm going to call the police.

There's no need for that. Come on!
This must happen all the time.

Christ! Papa Bear!

RADIO: All units, .

Be on the lookout for a distinctive
pushchair. Possible abduction.

I'll stop you there, if I may.

Sorry, officer. I'm in a rush.

I can imagine. Your baby?

No. Well...

Kidnappers aren't usually so honest.

Do I look like the sort
of person that abducts babies?

Come on, sir!

The moustache, the Farrar slacks,
the soft hands.

You look like you've gone as a
child snatcher to a fancy dress do.

This is textbook oppression.

In England, our law-enforcers
are accountable.

I'll take your number.

I'll ask you to calm down.

I should have known v*olence
wasn't far away, you savage!

Why not finish the job?

Paint your face blue
and show me your arse!

No need for profanity, sir.

Right. That's it. I'm going.

Just wait there a wee moment.

The word...is "small"!

Guys. I appreciate your concern.

But I'm sure he'll come home
when he's hungry. They always do.

You're talking crazy.

Oh, my God! Up there!

He's still alive! Oh!

BRIAN: I am taking my pram
and I am going to Dundee!

Agh!

BUZZING

Oh! Arrggh! Argh! Agh!

AGONISED GASPING

Brian?

Jo? You grassed me!

Jo, my pram!

No!

Uh!

Um...

What the f*ck?

I knew it.

Daniel! So you took the ham!

I blamed Sergeant Lick.
I've had him destroyed.

This is going to take
three hours to cook

and you know we like to eat at five.

♪ All the times that I've heard... ♪

This is Brian Ames.
I'm currently unavailable.

Please leave a message
after the single tone.

BEEP

Daddy, how long till you get here?
I cannae wait to see you.

# If they were right I'd agree

# But it's them they know, not me

# Now there's a way and I know

# That I have to go away

# I know...

♪ ..I have to go. ♪