01x07 - Christmas Special

[bunniefuu]

♪ Is it so? ♪
♪ Don't want to let you go ♪
♪ No, never can say goodbye, boy ♪
♪ Ooooh ♪
♪ No, no ♪
♪ Never can say goodbye ♪
♪ No, no, no, no, no ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

Oh, mother.

Are you sure you're not up to coming by for Christmas tomorrow?

I know Freddie would love to see you.

No, he wouldn't.

Well, if you feel any better, do let me know.

Yes, I'm sure it must be unpleasant to have a cold at Christmas.

No, I don't think Jesus hates you.

Yes, he does.

I'll call you tomorrow, dear.

I don't know how we'll celebrate without you.

Yeah!

I can't believe your mother lives to see another Christmas.

Even God doesn't want to spend time with her.

Well, perhaps we should stop by and take her a bit of turkey tomorrow.

No, you're right, it is Christmas after all.

Oh, that's Violet.

Oh, hang on, give me a chance to get back up the stairs.

I'm not in the mood to hear one of her long stories.

Hello, Stuart, darling.

Oh, Freddie.

I'm glad I caught you, I've got some news.

Ah.

Oh, have you?

I'm so glad I wasn't already completely upstairs before Stuart opened the door (!)

If I have to hear it, you have to hear it.

Can I get a cup of tea, darlings?

I just sat down.

I'm going to have to say no.

Well, all right.

Well, you know how I recently got my license as a massage therapist?

No, we did not know that, but in the interest of brevity, let's assume we did.

And well, I suppose I did the one thing with a client that you're not supposed to do as a masseuse.

Oh, that's all right, Violet, I'm sure he enjoyed it.

I fell in love with him.

In only 50 minutes?

Of course not, it was an 80 minute massage.

Give me some credit.

Well, what can you possibly know about this man, Violet?

I can't explain it, Stuart.

We just clicked.

He accepts me for who I am.

And I accept him for all his weight issues.

And is he very gigantic, Vi?

Well, he's not small.

And I was so hoping to bring him to dinner tomorrow.

Hey, it is Christmas.

Marvellous.

I'll bring an extra turkey and his special chair.

Hello, Ash!

Hi!

Hello, Ash! Come in.

Violet was just telling us about her new boyfriend.

How much bigger than Ash would he be?

Er... he would be about 15 Ashes.

Congratulations, Violet.

I'm very happy for you.

I have to say, I'm a little jealous.

Really, Ash? Because if you're serious, just tell me.

I'm joking, I'm joking.

You are joining us for Christmas tomorrow, Ash?

That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

You remember how both my parents are in prison?

Of course we do.

Why don't we know anyone normal?

Well, I only ever had one real Christmas.

It was right before my dad robbed Dominos Pizza and my mum ran over her boyfriend.

But it was great because we were all together.

What magical childhood memories you have, Ash.

But since then, you've kind of become my family and I wanted to say thank you somehow.

So I was hoping you'd let me cook Christmas dinner tomorrow.

Oh, that's not necessary, Ash.

Anyway, I usually cook a special -

Please, Stuart, it would mean a lot to me.

Oh, let him do it, it couldn't be any worse than the w*r crimes you commit every year in that kitchen.

All right. Thank you, Ash.

You know that Mason and Penelope are also coming?

And I'll be bringing my new boyfriend.

Yes, so you should probably start cooking now.

And I shall start preparing for my new role.

You're working today?

Oh yes, it's the actor's life.

You know how it is.

Well, actually, you don't know how because you're all just ordinary people.

What's the part?

Well, Ash, he's an older man under a tremendous amount of pressure at work.

He can run the factory but not his personal life and consequently he's a very tortured individual.

He's playing Father Christmas at Whiteleys.

Merry Christmas, Baltasar.

Don't you want the bone?

Oh, look up, come on.

Wake up.

That's a good boy.

Merry Christmas, Baltasar.

Why is he all wet?

I have no idea.

Well, are you all right after last night?

I don't want to talk about it.

I told you to just play him like Father Christmas.

What does that even mean, Stuart?

He's a man.

He's a three dimensional person.

I can't just play him like Father Christmas.

I've got to play the truth.

Yes, well, the truth is he's supposed to be jolly.

Not suicidal.

He's under a lot of stress.

He has to deliver a billion presents in one night.

It was a different interpretation.

If that crowd couldn't understand it, that's not my fault.

They behave like children.

They were children!

I'm not going to have this discussion with you.

You're not a creative person.

Should we exchange our presents now?

Yes.

My present is I supported you for 49 years. What did you get me?

A burial plot.

I hope you get to use it soon.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, Ash.

Oh, look at all this!

You must have spent a fortune.

I did.

Well, we're not paying you back.

You offered.

Are you sure you're all right doing all this?

Yeah, my mum used to be a really good cook.

When she wasn't drunk.

Which was all the time.

Why wasn't I enough for you, Mum?

Anyway, it's my pleasure.

Ooh, I'll go.

Freddie, do you want to help me unpack the shopping?

I don't actually.

Hello. I'm hoping you can help me.

I'm looking for the flat of Stuart Bixby and Freddie Thornhill.

Do you happen to know where this address is?

It's Stuart, Penelope.

Of course.

Merry Christmas, Stuart.

Merry Christmas, Penelope. Come in.

So then, you don't know where this address is?

Now where's Mason?

I thought he was coming with you.

Is Mason a cat?

No, Mason is not a cat, dear.

He's our friend.

Remind me to check your prescriptions later.

Merry Christmas, Penelope.

Ooh, Merry Christmas, Freddie.

Where should I put the presents?

Under the tree, dear.

And do you say the tree is in this room?

Oh, just give them to me.

Merry Christmas, Penelope.

Aww.

Would you like something -

Don't ask her any questions.

Just let her get settled in first.

Where's Violet and her boyfriend?

I hope she didn't get stuck in traffic. Or sat on.

That must be them.

Please, darling, let's not do this now.

I'm sorry, Violet, but we have to.

It sounds like they're having a very private discussion.

I think we should respect that.

Can't it keep until later?

I'm afraid not.

You see, I've met somebody else.

Oh.

Since breakfast?

I hope you understand.

Of course.

Would you mind putting that hamburger down so we can have a proper goodbye?

Everybody make a lot of noise.

Merry Christmas, darling.

Merry Christmas.

We almost didn't hear you.

We're having so much fun.

And the conversation was so loud, we couldn't hear anything else.

Is that Violet?

I didn't even hear you come in.

Did you hear her come in, Ash?

No because we were all talking so loudly.

Yes, we were all talking so loudly we didn't hear a thing.

I don't care if you all know.

I brought a cake but he ate it in the taxi.

I'm sorry, Vi.

It's all right, darling.

The important thing is we're all together.

That's right.

We're here for you.

Whatever you need.

Thank you, darling.

Could I maybe stay the night?

No.

Now who would like a drink?

I'd love a drink.

Really? Because I don't smell anything cooking.

Oh, right.

Ash offered to cook us all dinner and then wash everything up and also do our laundry for a week.

Isn't that wonderful?

Well, I didn't really offer...

Happy to do it.

Oh, Freddie, I wish I could have seen you playing Father Christmas.

The children must have adored you.

Not really.

The nuances of my performance went way over their heads.

I blame the parents.

I mean, what are they teaching these children?

That Father Christmas just magically shows up and delivers all these presents every year?

Yes, he's Father Christmas.

That's what he does.

How's the dinner coming on, Ash?

Almost ready.

Should be just another three hours.

Three hours? What the hell are you doing in there?

I'm following my mum's recipe.

And does it involve running over the turkey and getting sent to prison?

Because we want to eat today.

I'm sorry it's taking so long.

Oh, no, don't feel badly, Ash.

It's just so lovely you're doing all this for us.

You take as long as you need.

You really mean that?

Yes, of course I do.

Yeah, I've an idea.

While we're waiting, why don't we all play a game?

I don't want to play.

Oh, come on, it will be fun.

No.

Where's your Christmas spirit?

I said no.

Oh, come on, Freddie.

Leave me alone.

Look. It's bad enough we have to wait for that little sh*t to finish God knows what he's doing in the kitchen.

So, you're going to sit there and you're going to play a game because it's bloody Christmas!

I'm frightened.

I thought he said it was OK that it was taking so long.

Yes, of course it is, dear.

Well, I think a game is a fantastic idea.

What about strip poker?

Oh, no, thank you.

There's not one body part in this room that ever needs to be seen in daylight again.

Well, maybe one body part.

I was talking about your penis.

Was that clear?

Yes.

Good.

Well, I was thinking about truth or dare.

You can always learn something new about people playing truth or dare.

I love truth or dare.

We used to play it all the time when I was a kid.

That's how my dad ended up robbing Dominos.

I don't want to hear any more about your family today.

Violet, why don't you go first?

Ooh, one second.

All set.

Truth or dare?

Dare.

I don't know what it is she wouldn't do.

Can I get back to you on this?

Of course, darling.

Ash, would you like to go next?

Sure.

Truth or dare?

Truth.

Is there something burning in the kitchen?

Gosh, that's a bit of a weird question.

I don't know...

(SIGHS) Too bad.

I already had a dare picked out for him.

If I don't get to eat something soon, I'm going to k*ll somebody.

But not really though, right?

How's it going in there, Ash?

Everything is under control now, thanks.

OK, Baltasar, I have to take the turkey out of the oven in one minute and the potatoes are a bit burnt but I think they're OK.

Do you want a taste?

Yum, right?

What's the matter?

Oh, God. Oh, no.

Swallow, swallow it!

Is it too dry?

Water. I need water.

Are you sure you're all right in there?

Er, yes, fine!

Thank God.

You scared me, you little piece of ...

Almost ready!

I just have to take the turkey out of the oven.

Ah, yay!

Do you need any help, darling?

Oh, God. What am I going to do, Vi?

Everything was perfect and I ruined it. I ruined Christmas dinner.

Stupid, stupid Ash, what have you done? You ruin everything!

Thank you. That really...

sh*t, lady, that hurt!

Where is Mason anyway?

He should be here by now.

Usually cats just come and go as they please.

Try opening a tin.

What?

Well? Is he all right?

Yes, everything is fine.

He'll just need a few more minutes, that's all.

Let's continue with the game.

Stuart, why don't you go next?

Me? Really?

Oh, I don't know what to say.

But if everybody thinks I should, I will.

But, er -

Stop acting like you just won the X Factor.

Truth or dare?

Truth.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Relax.

You'll have to excuse Stuart. This is the first time anyone has asked him a question in over 50 years.

Oh, I've got a good question.

Tell us, Stuart, have you ever had sex with a woman?

Sex with a woman?

How could he have accomplished that?

A team of scientists working around the clock couldn't devise a pill strong enough to make that happen.

Can I change my go to dare?

No, you have to answer the question.

What the hell are you stalling for, Stuart?

The only woman you shared your bed with was your mother until you were 13.

I'll answer it for him. No.

Yes.

I have.

I don't believe you.

It's true. You're lying.

No, he isn't.

And how would you know?

Because it was with me.

Well, I guess Stuart was right, there was something new to learn about each other.

New and revolting.

It's like two stuffed teddy bears going at it.

Doesn't even seem physiologically possible.

Well, it was. Believe me.

Well, I don't understand. How?

Well, the brain sends signals which cause the blood vessels -

I know how!

I'm not talking to you anymore.

I don't see why you're getting so upset. It was ages ago.

We were both young and attractive.

And I was still confused about my sexuality.

Confused?

Your hip swished so much, I thought you were a Samba dancer.

Look, you and I had just met.

Penelope was single and it was only one night.

Two nights.

Why is your memory so vivid all of a sudden?

Anyway, let's continue with the game.

There's nothing to be done about it now anyway.

I could even the score, you slept with Penelope, I should sleep with Violet.

Oh, that is insane.

I slept with Penelope 50 years ago so you're going to sleep with Violet?

Isn't that insanity, Violet?

Violet?

I'm warning you, Freddie.

I can be very loud.

For God's sake, Violet.

Get down from there.

Nobody wants to sleep with you.

No, I was just making a point.

I know that.

I was making a point too.

What was your point?

I don't know.

I didn't think there would be a follow-up question.

All right, it's your turn now, Freddie.

Oh, we're not still playing this game.

Oh, yes we are.

You still haven't gone yet.

I don't want to play.

Yeah, well, you're going to. These are the rules. You have to play.

Fine.

Truth or dare, Freddie?

Dare.

Dress up as Father Christmas and then have everyone sit on your lap.

What?

That was going to be my dare for Ash.

I'll do it.

Finally, I get to perform my Father Christmas for an adult audience instead of wasting it on those idiot five-year-olds.

I must warn you, it's a very layered performance.

So you might not get everything right away.

Oh, just shut up and put the whiskers on.

And then you'll all sit on my lap.

Except you.

My husband d*ed on Christmas Day and it was more enjoyable than this.

Ash, what are you doing? Ash?

Oh, Vi, thank God.

I put everything back together but then I noticed Baltasar was missing.

I think he ate some of the mince pies and the sugar gave him this crazy burst of energy or something because now he's gone.

Ow.

What's going on in here?

Please don't hit me.

It seems Baltasar ate some mince pies and ran off.

But I saved the dinner. See?

He has run off but he hasn't moved in his tiny wheelchair in two years.

Where did he go?

Do we know anybody who has a dog?

Where is he?

I don't know, he was moving very quickly.

There he is.

Ho, ho, ho. Mer...

I knew I should have cooked.

Well, sandwiches.

That's nice, Ash.

I'm not at all upset.

How's the back doing?

It's OK. I'm just glad I was able to break Freddie's fall.

Yes.

Have I thanked you for that?

No.

Oh.

Are you sure you're all right, darling?

Yeah, it only hurts when I move.

Poor thing. Here.

It's OK.

I'm a licensed massage therapist.

That actually feels great.

See? I can also be gentle.

If you take your shirt off, I can really get in there.

Baltasar is probably going to be sleeping for quite a few... well, forever.

Are you all right, Freddie?

I was just thinking how grateful I am that we're all here together today.

We might have our differences but we'll always be family.

What a beautiful thing to say.

And I truly meant it, Penelope.

Even though you're a huge slag.

Thank you.

Yes, we all have each other.

That's the important thing.

You know the reason why I think I haven't met the right person yet is because I've been looking for my very own Freddie or Stuart my whole life.

Aww, Vi.

Please don't compare your filthy relationships with ours.

I couldn't live without him.

Aw.

You won't need to. You'll definitely be one of those couples who die one right after the other.

I thought Mason was coming too today.

Well, yes, he was supposed to.

I have no idea what has happened.

Stuart.

All those years ago when we...

Did you know even then that you were...

Oh, God, yes.

I had to pretend you were Gregory Peck.

Well, how flattering because I've always liked him.

Oh, let the machine answer.

'Hello, Freddie, Stuart?

It's Mason. Are you there?

Penelope was supposed to pick me up but she never came by.

Is everything all right?

Wait.

Are you all sitting there listening to this message?

Oh, God. You are, aren't you?

You're awful, awful people.

Merry Christmas, arseholes.'

Oh, that was nice of him to call.