02x03 - Ballroom

[bunniefuu]

Let's have some frozen yoghurt!

No, thank you.

I'm not falling for that scam.

You can suck a piece of ice when we get home.

What about getting tickets for Mamma Mia!?

I've heard they force you to like it.

I'd rather be lowered into a vat of boiling oil.

You never want to do anything with me!

I'm sick of staying at home all the time watching you decompose.

It's like living with a puddle of skin and two teeth.

We're so glad you stopped by again without calling first, Vi.

Still nothing from your husband?

No word from Jasper.

But I did talk to some of his ex-wives and apparently, he disappears quite frequently.

So that's a bit of encouraging news!

And how many ex-wives does he have, Vi?

How many would you think is a lot?

More than two.

Well, multiply that by three.

And add one.

Let's not talk till he gets back, hm?

Hi!

Hi!

Hello, Ash! Hello, Jess!

And how are the lovebirds?

Great! Living together is amazing.

And we've been doing loads of fun things.

Oh! I wonder what that's like.

We have fun. Just yesterday, I cut that growth of your neck with the nail clippers.

Aren't you the most adorable couple I've ever seen?

It's official, I'm in love with the two of you!

Jess, darling, would you mind grabbing me a tissue? Oh, sure!

She seems clingy and desperate and not right for you at all. We'll talk later.

Thank you, darling!

We're going to be taking a ballroom dance class together.

Oh, I've been dying to do that!

Haven't I been dying to do that, Freddie?

Well, I know you've been dying.

I can't speak to the rest of it.

Well, why don't you come with us?

Ballroom dancing? With that? No!

I'll pass.

I want to go, Freddie!

Then, go with Violet.

She doesn't have anything else to do.

Oh, yes, Stu, it'll be such fun.

I don't want to go with Violet!

Oh, all right.

Come on, Freddie!

My mother's learning ballroom dancing in prison and she loves it!

I thought you said your father was in prison.

Oh, yeah, yeah, they're both in prison.

Don't look so surprised!

It's not that weird!

Is it?

It's really f*cking weird.

Fine! I'll do it. Just don't tell people we're a couple.

I don't want everyone to know that I've settled.

Great! We're all set!

Wonderful!

So, am I going or not?

Hello, all you gorgeous people!

I'm Antonio Saint Alexis and I'll be your instructor.

Now, are you ready to dance?

I said, are you ready to dance?

Yes, please.

I need to see how you all move.

Come up here.

What's your name, young man? Go! Go!

Ash.

No. I was talking to him.

Oh, me?

Oh, I'm Stuart.

Move over, Ash.

Not everything's about you.

Do you mind if I put my hands on your hips?

Can they reach that wide?

Now, I want you to sway to the b*at.

Do you mind if I have a go next?

Of course not. Get up here, gorgeous.

Don't do anything too bizarre.

Is it all right if I put my hands on your hips?

Let me save you some time.

You can put anything anywhere.

Did you see me?

No. I must've missed it. I was too busy trying to claw my eyes out.

I'm not sure I'm getting it.

Like this?

Are they having sex?

I'm not certain.

But I'm glad there are no children present.

Why are you both here, anyway?

Stuart invited us.

He phoned and started talking about su1c1de again. I didn't know what else to say.

Thank you, darling.

Now, let's see how you all dance with your partners.

What about you?

Yes, you.

Oh, now me!

And, er, who's that gorgeous creature with you?

That's my girlfriend Jess.

Don't touch her.

Hi! Don't listen to him.

We totally don't think you're creepy.

Let's see what you sexy little gumdrops can do!

Jess.

Yes?

There's something I've been wanting to tell you. Yes?

I really feel like I'm falling...

Oh! sh*t!

Sorry.

You... stood on it really hard!

You're kind of being a baby. There's blood coming through my shoe!

Are you crying?

No!

All right, who's next?

I'd love to go next!

Unless I've already gone, in which case, how did I do?

This is all your fault.

Come on, dear.

You're very good, Penelope.

Thank you. And so are you, Robert.

Robert? But we've always danced wonderfully together.

Do you remember our wedding, Robert?

Yes.

Yes, I do.

It was so beautiful.

It was.

Oh!

Ahh!

All right, you two, wrap it up!

OK, show us what you've got, boys.

You be the woman.

As if that needed saying.

And you be the nasty bitch.

Oh, God! You're doing it wrong!

No, I'm not!

All right, I'm going to stop you.

You're doing it wrong.

I told you.

No. You're doing it wrong.

Would you mind stepping out so I can show you how it's done? He doesn't mind.

Get lost.

It's like this.

And one, two, three, one, two, three.

I never knew Stuart danced so beautifully.

Bleurgh!

My, yes!

He's very good, isn't he, Freddie?

You're just lucky Stuart answered the phone.

Is this arsehole ever going to pick me?

I can't remember when I had such a good time!

People seemed to really enjoy my dancing!

I didn't think I was that good, but I suppose I was.

Antonio wouldn't say it if it wasn't true!

Although, maybe he was just being nice.

But - Ash, would you do me a favour and throw that lamp at Stuart?

I can't reach it.

You're just upset because Antonio said you were awful.

What, that ridiculous man?

Oh, please!

And what was he, gay, straight?

Who could tell the way he was carrying on?

And I refuse to believe there's such a thing as a bisexual.

Oh, he's definitely straight.

He just sent me this.

Oh, my!

And this.

Is that his arm?

No!

I think we're dating.

You have a husband!

Or something.

I think it's time I went on with my life.

But I'll go slow. I don't want to give him the wrong idea.

Jess, would you mind taking a topless photo of me in the kitchen later?

Only if you take one of me next.

I like you!

I'm so glad you two are friends.

Well, I hope you've got this all out of your system, Stuart, because we are not going back.

What are you talking about?

Watching you behave like a whore entertaining sailors on leave is not my idea of a good time.

You're just jealous because I was better at something than you.

That's ridiculous. The only thing you're better at than me is shrinking.

It's late.

Perhaps we should go home now, Jess.

Oh, can't we stay for a few more minutes?

I've never seen them really go for it.

It's quite fun.

I'm not going back to that class.

Fine!

Then, I'll go without you!

God forbid we should ever do anything as a couple!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I want to make sure Balzathar's glass eye didn't fall into his water bowl again.

Ooh, he just sent me another photo!

What are we looking at?

I'm not sure!

Oh...

All right, I'm leaving for dance class.

I cooked dinner. It's in the oven.

What tasteless piece of cardboard do I have to look forward to?

Did you boil a chair cushion?

Now I'm glad it fell on the floor.

If you need anything, call.

I have my mobile with me.

Don't worry. This is the first time I've been alone in this flat in 50 years.

Now I can finally change the locks.

Oh, and there's some sh*t I need you to cut out of Balthazar's fur.

What's Freddie doing tonight, Stuart?

He's probably home, sitting on the sofa and bitching.

Although, I can't be certain. I'm only going by 18,250 nights of experience.

Wow. Can you imagine being with somebody that long?

I can.

Jess, there's something I've been wanting to tell you. Oh, hold on.

I-I think I might be falling...

Oh! sh*t!

Oh, I'm so sorry! Are you OK?

My teeth feel funny.

Let me see.

Well?

They look fine.

Phew!

Now, as you all know, next week is our competition night, but remember, it's a celebration of all your hard work and not a competition.

Then, maybe change the name?

Has anybody seen Violet?

Oh, sorry! So sorry I'm late!

So, so sorry!

I was at the, er, supermarket and there was, erm... Oh!

..a very long queue.

Yes, Violet was at the supermarket and I saw her there and we came to class together.

I wasn't at the supermarket!

Yeah, I know.

Stuart and Violet, would you like to start?

I wanted to go first, Robert.

I'm sorry, my dear. Next time.

You're a weak man, Robert, and you've always been a weak man.

Jesus Christ!

Now I get it from her, too!

Hello? Sorry.

Yes?

Stuart, is that you?

Well, who the bloody hell do you think it is?

I hadn't heard your constant mewling for so long, I'd forgotten what it sounded like.

What do you want, Freddie? I'm just calling to find out where we keep the tea.

It's impossible to know where you hide everything. In the cupboard by the sink!

I looked, I couldn't find it.

You didn't move everything around before you left?

I have to go, Freddie!

Don't you dare hang up on me!

I'm all right, in case anybody was wondering.

Yes?!

I found the tea.

Great! Is that it?

Er, n-no, just one more thing.

How do you make tea?

Balthazar, stop licking that spot, please.

It's disgusting!

Oh, you're home! What a novelty!

Now at least I won't have to go on a treasure hunt to find a spoon.

Everything is where it's always been.

And you're the one who decided he didn't want to come to dance class.

Yes, because I'm not a 12-year-old girl.

Are you going to come and watch me at competition night?

We even get to wear special costumes.

I hope mine doesn't have too many sequins but at the same time, a lot of sequins.

Pencil me in for a "No, and I'll get back to you if anything changes".

Fine! If you don't want to spend time with me, I'll just continue to do things without you.

I want to spend time with you, just not in the same room.

Well, we can start now.

I'll be upstairs.

Good!

Stop licking your balls!

Great, you're home.

Mm.

Where's Stuart?

No idea!

I can't even remember the last time I saw him.

Could I talk to you about something, Freddie? Yes, of course.

Would you like a drink? I'd love one.

Get one for me, too.

It's about Jess.

I think I'm in love with her.

Have you told her?

Not yet.

Every time I try, I keep getting injured.

I had to spend all afternoon at the dentist.

I went to the dentist once.

The whole thing is a scam.

I've never felt this way before and I-I need some advice.

I don't want to talk to my parents about it.

Because they're both in prison?

No. Because I don't feel as close to them as I feel to you.

Aww!

So, how can I help?

I'm not sure.

All I know is, I can't imagine being without her.

And you really feel that way?

Yeah.

I don't know what to do.

It seems to me the answer is right in front of you.

You're right. I'm going to ask her!

Just excuse me for a moment.

Hey, Balthazar.

What are you doing there, eh, matey?

Oh, you're a dirty dog!

Dirty, dirty dog!

There's something I want to give you, Ash.

It's my mother's wedding ring.

I want you to have it.

Freddie...

I don't know what to say. Thank you.

You're welcome.

What's all that?

My mother.

Don't you all look gorgeous this evening?

Is everyone excited for our competition night?

Yes.

This class has really made me more outspoken!

Is Freddie not coming?

No!

Are you all right, darling?

Yeah, course.

Is my costume too tight?

It feels way too tight!

No, it's perfect!

I didn't realise you were circumcised.

Are you OK? You seem nervous.

I'm great.

What are you up to?

You'll see.

Stand up straight, Robert.

Yes, dear.

And be more personable today.

I'm trying, dear. Try harder.

Stuart and Violet, would you like to begin?

You can sit the rest of this out, Vi.

What are you doing, Freddie?

And where did you get that outfit?

It's from when I was in Cats.

Best I could do at short notice.

You wanted to do something as a couple, so here I am.

Well, it's too late.

Why do you always find it so hard to show that you care?

I show, but in my own way.

You know, by calling you fat.

Well, that's just not good enough!

Don't you dare dance off without me!

What was all that about?

It's just Freddie being Freddie.

He'll never change.

Your lip's bleeding.

I forgot to take the thorns out.

You're dancing beautifully, Penelope.

I want a divorce.

This is so much fun!

I know, right?

Something feels wrong back there.

You were all incredible tonight!

According to my judges' scores, the winners are Stuart and Violet!

What judges? There are no judges!

Ahem! Can I have everyone's attention for a minute, please?

I have something I want to say and I want the whole world to hear it.

Well, the whole world's already seen it.

Jessica Foster... will you marry me?

Oh, Ash, I don't think... I don't think I'm in love with you.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, Ash...

I don't know what to do.

It seems to me that the answer's right in front of you.

Stuart Bixby, will you marry me?

Yes... Freddie Thornhill, yes, I will marry you.

Oh, darling! Oh!

I can't get back up.