03x02 - Shield

CHET: She's the female Elon Musk.

Serena is our girl!

Do I or do I not look like a stripper mermaid?

I brought my own dress.

I'll wear that.

I'm Crystal.

I am a student of Chet's.

I'm so super impressed by what you do.

Are we ready to get this sausage party started?

RACHEL: This is Owen.

He could have left his helmet at home.

- My God, you're gorgeous.

- [ LAUGHS]

Next up, we have Jasper...

Wall Street-by-way-of-London perfection.

To a superior and effective season.

She's boring!

Goldberg, go.

You kiss the short guy, you instantly make yourself likeable and you get America rooting for you again.

DR.

SIMON: She's clearly had way too much to drink.

I'm not really comfortable with this.

RACHEL: Who's this guy?

QUINN: He is our new shrink.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Okay.

Stop.

Come on.

I just told you to kiss the guy.

This is the last watch of the night.

Billy.

Are you kidding me?

What the hell?

Now, how did that happen, Rachel?

So, how's she doing?

She got really drunk on the first night, made out with a guy, and then cut him.

Not the Suitress...

Quinn.

I don't think she's got it anymore.

[LEISURE'S "GOT IT BAD" PLAYING]

Honesty is the absolute truth.

Celibacy is a tool which cements your commitment to "Essential Honesty."

♪ Girl, you think you got it bad ♪ Remember, s*x is a lie, therefore we don't have s*x.

But you have to be rock-solid in your conviction.

Because if you waver, even once, you're not ready to take the next step.

♪ Walked up to the bone and the same won't happen ♪ MAN ON PA: Last call for hot breakfast.

♪ Girl, you think you got it bad ♪ ♪ Do-do-do do-do-do ♪

[MEN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

- ♪ Girl, you think you got it bad ♪ - Oh, Rachel.

- Rachel.

Hey.

- ♪ Do-do-do do-do-do ♪ - Hey.

- Sorry to bother you...

Oh, no, that's... that's not a problem.

It's...

Hey, uh, I...

I know this is against show rules, no Internet or newspapers or whatever, but...

is there any way you could get me a little news from the outside?

Oh, I'm sorry...

I...

No, actually, I'm so sorry.

We...

I can't.

- We just, um...

- I un...

I understand.

But right before I came here, there was some trouble in the Congo.

Government's arresting a lot of people and...

well, I have Peace Corps buddies down in Kindamba.

Africa...

Y-Your favorite place, right?

- Yeah...

- Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, how come I keep getting the feeling that you are a lot more interesting than your job?

Are you guys having s*x right now?

'Cause your nipples are showing, Rachel.

♪♪ I'll see what I can find out.

Thank you.

♪♪ [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

So, five out of six, I think.

Quinn.

Yep.

Yep.

How's our girl Serena this morning?

I've been getting war-texts from Gary since 5:30 AM.

Are you serious?

Why?

The ratings were good.

Not good enough.

Yeah, we're still squarely on the bubble.

I promised him tits-out sexy, and we delivered our hottie Suitress - in a nun's frock kissing Mini Me.

- Okay, fine.

Fine!

So the story wasn't exactly what we wanted, but still...

But if she hadn't cut Norman, then maybe the people would've come back to see if the jockey would ride her, but instead we have...

Hey, why are you ignoring me?

What is that face?

[WHISPERS]

The jockey did ride her.

What?!

That is fantastic!

No.

Do we have footage?

- Where is the footage?

- We got her way too drunk last night and she's finally got her head in the game.

She's in a good place...

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]

- Serena?

Yeah?

Hi.

Just doing a deep dive on the guys.

Trying to keep all their BIOS straight before I go out there.

This is her in a good place?

You got pictures on all the guys?

Yeah, I used one of those cheat sheets the PAs have.

Found it in the garbage.

Oh, I-I'm sorry.

You picked through the garbage?

I know, it's very classy, but I had to have a system so I can remember who everybody is.

And you have, uh, last names and professions on everyone.

That's impressive.

Yes, well, I ask a lot of questions.

Where did you get those Post-its?

The control room.

What?

No, no.

No, Serena, the control room is a no-fly zone.

Dorothy doesn't get to peek behind the curtain here.

Well, I did.

So buy a lock.

Or fire whoever was supposed to be guarding it.

I was up at 4:00, there was no one in there.

Oh, I saw your security cameras on the guys, by the way.

Saw the security cameras, Rachel.

Oh!

Cowboy snores big time.

Okay, so, Serena, we really just want you to relax into this and let things happen naturally.

That leaves way too much up to chance.

I don't want to cut the wrong guy, so I need to individuate the contenders.

Yeah, you wouldn't want to have the wrong guy slip through your crack.

It's how I buy companies, so doing this any other way - would be irresponsible.

- I get it.

- I just...

- Jasper, Jasper, Jasper, Jasper.

- Mm-hmm.

- Jasper is my guy.

HBS.

All right, listen, Serena, I know that things got, you know, things got a little wild last night.

You're just trying to get everything under control...

This has nothing to do with control or last night.

And how about you never talk to me about that again.

Can I get some space, you guys, to prepare, please?

Okay?

Yeah, sure.

Uh, um.

You know, we actually set up a poker game for you tonight.

Just go out there and just show the guys how impressive you are.

Well, I am gonna kill this.

Poker game?

Oh, that will be sexy.

Okay, she's on something, right?

Listen, she's just nervous, all right?

She's really, really nervous.

Well, then you need to get her hooked up to a tequila I.V., all right?

I need her lubed up and user friendly.

I want to be worried about a gang-bang at least 10 times today.

10 times, really?

Quinn, that feels like a lot.

Hey, Quinn, uh, I was wondering if...

It is not a lot, trust me.

I am having a conversation!

Ah, it's great to see you, too.

One stunning Suitress.

13 amazing guys.

All working harder than ever to try to get lucky because today, we're going Vegas.

Featuring a very special mystery guest.

Ooh!

Gosh, I hope it's Copperfield and they make you disappear, Graham.

Okay, cut!

I need a reset and deal me up, people, let's go.

♪♪ All right, you sinners.

Welcome.

In front of you is $500 worth of chips.

Good luck.

- They are gonna need it.

- Thank you.

SERENA: Here we go, boys.

I will warn you, I am very good at poker.

- Really?

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

- I'm scared, I guess.

We'll do 200.

Oh-ho-ho, big spender?

- Mm-hmm.

- She's doing great.

I don't know, she looks kind of road worn in HD.

- What is she, like 32?

- Shut up, Madison!

32?

That's depressing.

Can't we say she's like 29?

No, we can't say that.

Well...

Because it's not true.

Well, say she's divorced.

At least at some point somebody wanted her.

I'm gonna ignore that you just said that.

We're just gonna tell the truth.

People are gonna relate to it, okay?

So, tell me Serena, how did you, uh, get so good at poker?

Well, I got so good at poker because Mark Zuckerberg has a game.

You and the Zuckerberg?

Do you think he really is the, uh...

the genius that they say he is?

Oh.

I'd say he was definitely the, uh, the second smartest person in the room.

- Hm.

- Well, now she's just bragging.

She is what my friends and I call an "Old Sad." And what what is that, exactly?

Somebody who made the biggest mistake ever and chose her job over a boyfriend.

Right, and now she's a mogul.

Wah.

MADISON: Ha-ha, okay, fine.

But who says being a baller makes girls happy?

If all you do is put all of your life and energy into your job and your career and that's all you focus on, - then you're just gonna end up like...

- Shh!

Say it.

MAN: That means that I'm out.

Thank you, sir.

Bam!

Sucka!

[ LAUGHS]

Oh, my God, I saw your bluff coming down the road!

How's that feel, Cowboy, to be beat by a girl?

Your tells are terrible.

WARREN: That's a good point.

I'm terrible.

I'm also out, so, have fun boys.

Ohh, sore loser!

All right, fellas.

Let the real men play.

And I'm gonna go get another drink.

Good luck, gentlemen.

Yeah, drown your sorrows!

Me, too.

Fellas.

I'm out.

Thank you, sir.

- Out?

- Oop.

That was quick.

You are good.

Then there were two.

There were two.

I'll raise you 400 plus a one-on-one date.

You're on.

Okay.

I think you're going to enjoy losing quite a lot.

You know what I'm hearing, though, August?

The sound of your money and our date going down the toilet.

Flush.

[CHUCKLES]

- [LAUGHS]

- Whoo!

- Oh, my God.

Congratulations.

So...

you won?

Cut!

Well, that was a great idea for a date, Rachel.

She turned into a condescending dickhead!

What's wrong with her winning?

- It's cool.

- She can hang with the guys.

Yeah, except none of the guys want to hang with her.

It's like she's wearing dude-repellent.

Come on, let's get these guys back in there.

- She's such a dumbass.

- I know.

Hey!

Um...

Hey!

Rachel!

Quinn!

[CLEARS THROAT]

The problem is not the guys.

The problem is Serena.

- [SCOFFS]

What?

- Okay, well, that's ridiculous.

- What is?

- W...

Hi.

Listen, we think it's great that you are super smart, you're successful, you can do everything by yourself, but what guy wants that?

- A lot of guys.

- Lots of guys.

- A lot of guys.

- Look, it's great that you go to the office and you kick ass.

Whoo-hoo!

And girl power and all that.

Look who I hire.

Hire?

Wow.

But the woman you are at work is not the girl that a man wants to date.

- [LAUGHS]

- RACHEL: Okay.

So, I'm sorry, and what do you want her to do?

You want her to just, like, go on a date and magically turn into somebody else?

I mean, I-I go on a lot of dates all the time.

Mm-hmm.

First dates.

- Yeah.

- What about second dates?

Thought so.

Look, I might not be the brightest guy in the world, but I did create one of the most successful shows on TV...

because I know what guys want and I'm not afraid to say it.

Now, would you like me to tell you why you don't get those second dates?

Oh, this is gonna be good.

I'm willing to hear your theory.

Women make it so complicated.

All you have to do to keep a guy forever is bake him cookies and give him blow jobs.

- Oh, my...

- That's a bunch of crap.

I'm speaking metaphorically, of course.

RACHEL: I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

You got to make space for the guy.

And you've got to make him feel important.

Maddy, come here.

Show her what I'm talking about.

- Oh, sure, she knows.

- Okay, look.

So, if you're going on a first date with a guy, there are only three things you need to put on repeat.

- You are so right.

- Yeah.

This is a great idea.

Can you, um, can you help me?

- Stop talking.

- Yes.

- No, no, no, keep...

keep going.

- What?

You're not seriously listening to this.

I-I am just taking a pitch.

Okay.

Serena, yes, Chet can get you a guy, sure, but he can't get you the guy that you want in the way that you want it.

Yeah, but can you?

If I go scuba diving, I hire a scuba diving instructor, so maybe if I'm messing up with the guys, I should talk to a guy.

- Serena...

- I'm not gonna drop to my knees

- or bake cookies any time soon.

- Come on!

Seri...

No, I'm...

I will give your strategy a try, and then I will objectively evaluate it.

Sexy!

We'll work on it.

Come here.

Maddy.

Well, Rachel.

You just lost us our girl.

To Chet.

Get back inside, boys!

♪♪ In Vegas, when you're hot you're hot, and Serena is certainly burning it up.

You see, she slayed our guys at poker, but will her luck hold at the craps table?

Let's see how the dice fall, shall we?

I am gonna add, uh...

Sorry, um, it's...

it's Guy and Preston, right?

Can you help me?

Yeah, I sure can.

If you want a recipe for roasted beet hummus.

Oh, that's really funny, 'cause I'm a chef.

But Preston here is just another old white dude from Florida trying to finish his sentence without leaking.

- [LAUGHS]

- What'd I tell you?

- They're fighting over her.

- Hey, I've been coming to Vegas

- since before you were in diapers.

- If I were you, I'd add odds.

Oh, wow.

Yes.

That is a great idea.

Thank you.

[LAUGHS]

Thank you!

- Hey!

- Oh!

Oh, wow!

You're on a streak, Serena.

Play the field.

- I'm gonna back you, baby.

- Thank you.

- Let me get 100 on Big Eight.

- Oh, on Big Eight.

- You know what, count me in, too.

- Oh, my goodness, that is amazing!

I swiped a bottle of champagne from the bar.

The sooner you bet all your chips,

- the sooner we can get out of here.

- Oh, you are so bad.

Yes, he is.

Champagne bandit.

- Hey!

- Ah!

[LAUGHS]

You're all a bunch of good luck charms!

What did I tell you?

That's why you need me here.

I am a man-thropologist!

Hi, baby!

- Hey!

- Hi!

How are you?

Ah, you're back.

Isn't it a school night?

- I'll be right back, okay?

- Okay.

They're no funny guys.

[LAUGHTER]

Um...

I actually came to talk to you.

Oh, I can't wait.

I-It's kind of private.

And you're the only one who can help.

Uh, Chet is giving a building to Calgrove...

it is the Chet Wilton Center for Reality Television Studies.

- Mm.

Talk about higher learning.

- Yeah.

He's put me in charge of this fundraising dinner, and I have never done anything like this before.

Chet told me you were amazing at handling his business when you guys were together, so I thought maybe you could make this, like, really amazing, too.

That's a pretty big ask, Crystal.

I don't think I can jump that high.

I-It's just so important that Chet finally gets the recognition he deserves.

I mean, after all, he is the visionary that changed, like, the "grammar" of network television.

I mean, it was his idea for characters to talk directly to camera.

Hmm.

Is that...

Is that what he's teaching you?

But it's not just about his career, it's about his whole personal story with his father.

I mean, it's incredible that he's had so much success when he had such a tough start as a kid.

Chet's father left when he was 6.

So what?

There's a lot of kids that have been raised by one parent.

But Chet's father didn't just leave.

I mean, he took his own life.

I mean, the way that Chet found him in the garage with the car still running...

Most people don't get past something like that.

But Chet isn't most people.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay.

You know, I...

I, um...

I got to get back to work.

- Okay?

- Okay.

Uh, so will you help?

Uh, yeah.

Don't you worry, Crystal.

I will, uh...

I will give you all the help you need.

- Thank you.

- All right.

Okay.

He's so full of sh1t.

I'm sorry, Rachel.

But this whole show is supposed to be

- about what I want.

- Oh, what the hell is going on?

I want a one-on-one with Billy.

He's really into me.

Yes, because you are acting like a bimbo.

Thanks, but I already have a bitter best friend.

What I don't have is a husband.

Hence, a one-on-one with Billy.

Now.

I say we give it to her.

She...

You know, she's just getting her groove on, you know, getting in the zone.

- Let's just roll with it.

- [CELLPHONE RINGS]

Fine.

Let her do a lap with Speed Racer.

- Are you kidding me?

- Hey, baby...

Billy?

We only picked him for the show because he has a short fuse...

Look, he is a professional race car driver, okay?

That is flyover state royalty.

We need flyover state ratings.

Tonight is supposed to be a group date.

It is way too early in the season for a one-on-one.

Rachel, with all due respect, Gary has a knife at my throat, not yours.

So, for tonight...

at least...

if you could just keep your mouth shut and do your damn job.

And I "wuv" "woo" too.

What'd I miss?

Don't ever send your child bride to do your dirty work again.

Uh, Crystal's gonna turn 24 in June.

She asked me to help with your revisionist-history ego-boosting fundraiser.

She went to you?

God, that takes guts.

And if you want her to respect you, maybe you should stop telling her lies.

Crystal and I have an incredibly honest relationship.

- Oh, please!

- Yeah.

Yeah.

You told her that whole sob-story about your father killing himself?

You're right.

I shouldn't have lied, and I'm sorry.

[SCOFFS]

Well, don't tell me, tell her.

My dad did kill himself.

Everything else I told you about my family was true.

It's just that one other part.

It felt shameful to talk about.

♪♪ Crystal makes me feel safe enough to accept the different parts of myself.

♪♪ [SCOFFS]

I...

You...

You...

You...

y-you've known her, what, like three months?

It's real, Quinnie.

I love her.

I want that for you.

It's life-changing.

I'm sure.

I'm sure what...

what is it, uh...

$20,000 a month allowance?

I'm sure that's real life-changing for Crystal, too.

Quinn...

♪♪ Okay.

♪♪ ♪ I won my first go-kart event when I was 10.

The National Pee-Wee Crown when I was 15.

Oh, my God, that's amazing.

Trump country's gonna love this.

- Silver Crownwhen I was 17.

- Oh.

I hate this show.

Then I went to MIT and became a stock car driver.

- You went to MIT?

- No.

No, I wanted to see if you were paying attention.

[LAUGHS]

You are so funny!

Dan, get that gum out of his mouth right now!

I need your gum.

- Actually?

- Yep.

- Awesome.

- Sorry about that.

No, it's okay.

Uh, so, tell me about driving.

You okay?

What?

Nothing, just, uh, you know, seem a little...

You know, I'm here.

If you need to talk, I'm here.

Let's get one thing straight, I will never need to talk.

So if you enjoy getting your barely-earned paychecks, you won't ever ask me that again.

Okay.

[LAUGHS]

Fast and dangerous, that's so cool.

- Sounds like my dream man.

- There you go.

QUINN: Hey, Rachel.

How do you like watching your feminist turn into this?

No, no, my life is boring to our viewers.

I don't know about that.

You seem like...

Jeremy.

Owen, uh, hi.

Hey, come here.

I, uh...

- Hey.

- How you doing?

- Hey, everything okay?

- I don't know, I'm just...

I'm feeling a little bit worried about Serena.

She's in there with that guy Billy.

And the guy is, like, such a douche.

Yeah, well, Serena's smart.

She'll figure that out on her own.

I don't know, I kind of feel like you need to go in there and save her.

- That's not really my thing.

- What are you talking about?

You had that great first kiss with her.

I really think you should just go in there and defend it.

That's just gonna make her feel uncomfortable.

It's not gonna make her feel uncomfortable.

I mean, she's on a date.

- He said he doesn't want to do it.

- Will you let me produce the show?

Oh, you mean manipulate someone into doing something that they don't want to do?

Hi, Rachel.

I'm sorry, Rachel.

Uh, I don't want to cause any trouble.

Rachel, can I talk to you really quick?

Do you remember that dress you guys wanted me to wear at the opening?

- Do you think you could get it for me?

- Which one?

What?

You w...

You want the sequined one with the boobs?

Yeah, Yeah.

I think Chet might be right.

I think this is what guys want.

Guys want ugly ass 90-inch televisions and they want threesomes with you and your best friend.

It doesn't mean you have to give it to them.

This is...

I mean, this is just a...

it's a compromise.

Listen to me, okay.

I totally get it, I mean, it feels amazing right now.

All of these guys are tripping over their dicks to get to you, but it doesn't mean that you have dumb yourself down.

You are this smart, strong, successful woman...

I know, and this smart, strong, successful, single woman is asking you to please get her the dress.

♪♪ Hey!

What's going on?

Isn't it pretty obvious?

You're witnessing me stress eating.

Right, and so now you're thinking what's the trigger for this girl's behavior?

Hmm?

You know, maybe it's Quinn, the mother figure...

I mean, yes, we just were fighting again.

And then there's also Jeremy, he's the ex-boyfriend with all of the unresolved issues.

Or I don't know.

You know, maybe it's, like, one of the six or nine other people I've almost made out with on this crew.

You know, this place to me it's, like, just full of triggers, you know?

It's like a goddamn trigger buffet!

Is this what your "Essential Honesty" is doing for you?

Mm.

No, that actually works.

Mm.

What?

I don't know.

Your version of "Essential Honesty" just feels kind of blame-y.

Like you're using it as a shield.

Wow.

And you got that after, what, like, just one conversation

- at craft service?

- Fresh eyes can help.

It just seems like.

Nothing is ever your fault.

And you blame everyone else for your anger.

So I'm just wondering...

have you ever tried turning that "Essential Honesty" on yourself?

No, I've, uh, never given that any thought.

You know what's my biggest trigger of all?

♪♪ Getting diagnosed by hack shrinks who don't even know me.

♪♪ So, the first thing you are supposed to check when you get here is my office bar.

I am out of vodka, and it is supposed to be stocked 24/7.

I-I did.

I put two bottles of vodka in there yesterday.

Well...

someone must have gotten into my fridge.

So, vodka on the rocks, please.

You got your dress...

she's wearing it.

I mean, Chet's completely brainwashed her.

That is great!

So the titties will be flying high tonight.

No, this is not great, this is tanking the whole point of the season.

You mean your whole point of the season.

I mean, mine was the get one of these ding-a-lings to fall in love with our ice queen so that I can have my hit show back.

This is what she wants, Rachel.

She wants a husband.

But if one of these guys falls for this version of her, they're just falling for a fake.

This is all a lie.

Hello!

Welcome to "Everlasting."

[WHISPERING]

The whole show's a lie, Rachel.

Shh.

Don't tell anyone.

[LAUGHS]

Fine.

You know what?

If this is what you want, you can just produce her yourself.

Ooh.

Pfft!

Dropped...

I'm gonna put the...

Ooh!

Hi.

[LAUGHS]

Quinn.

Um...

Gary.

What are you doing here?

I don't need an invite to visit my own set.

- Let me just get that.

- I-I-I got that.

I got it.

[CLEARS THROAT]

What the hell's going on with you, Quinn?

Nothing.

I am cleaning up.

As you can see.

And I am producing the show.

♪♪ Let's all give it up for our single Suitress...

- Serena.

- Whoo!

QUINN: And look, see.

Shrink-wrapped and ready to serve.

Definitely would take a piece of that.

See, it's all good.

We're fine, we're great, and we're back.

We're back.

Oh, my gosh!

That dress, it is stunning!

What is it?

Do you know?

Is it Versace?

I...

you know, I don't know.

But, uh, why don't you go to Barneys, get yourself one.

- Go ahead and get it.

- Oh.

Chet, you spoil me.


- Aw, I like to.

- Thank you.

All right, get ready for a terrific surprise.

Because tonight's musical guest is not a famous band or a famous singer.

- It's you.

- Yeah.

You see, each of you are gonna choose a tune from our karaoke library.

And serenade Serena with a song that you think will win her heart.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Where the hell is Rachel?

Why isn't she here producing her guys?

'Cause she's having her breakdown early this season?

Uh...

Come on, guys.

Now, you'll do great guys.

It's karaoke.

Let's have some fun.

- A smoker.

- Mm-hmm.

- ♪ I've fallen in love ♪

- Thank God.

- ♪ And there's no turning back ♪

- Can I?

♪♪ ♪ Your love hit me hard ♪

♪ You're like a heart attack ♪

You have a Russian soul.

[MAN SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

What's that mean?

There's a darkness.

In you and me both.

♪ Because I can't hide...

♪ Right, which is exactly why you should focus your attention on someone bright and shiny.

This woman is looking for a poodle.

Not a man.

♪♪ Then be a man.

- Hmm?

- Tell her your truth.

You know, show her.

Your dark side, stir sh1t up.

Fine.

What did you have in mind?

- You're a Russian.

- And?

Start the revolution!

Blow this circus up.

[LAUGHS]

How?

What do I do?

- Exactly what I tell you.

- You see?

Russian soul.

Very dark.

- ♪ America... ♪

- QUINN: His vocal cordsare up his ass.

But come on, a race car driver singing "America the Beautiful"...

that's like red state crack.

Whoo!

You must be very strong woman to keep up fake-smile for this jerk-off.

[LAUGHS]

How about I put real smile on your face?

- Okay.

- ♪ O beautiful for pilgrim's feet ♪

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna show you what real love of country and passion looks like!

- ♪ America ♪...

- What are you doing up here?

Just for a second. ♪ Vozrast staryy Soyuz ♪

Are you really gonna let...

- [SINGING IN RUSSIAN]

- MAN: Here we go.

- Was this planned?

- Oh!

Yeah.

I mean, we weren't gonna just have karaoke.

[LAUGHS]

[SINGING IN RUSSIAN]

- Get the music going again.

- [FEEDBACK WHINES]

- ♪ Brave ♪...

- [SINGING IN RUSSIAN]

[LAUGHTER]

Quinn, this is supposed to be entertaining.

Don't worry, Gary.

Um, hey, hey, can I get another camera on Billy, because he's gonna blow right on schedule.

Watch, watch, watch.

[SINGING IN RUSSIAN]

[COAST MODERN'S "THE WAY IT WAS" PLAYING]

Oh!

Mic drop!

BILLY: Feel good about yourself?

Watch, America is about to whoop Russia's ass.

You worthless piece of USA trash.

MEN: Ohh!

We own your country now, by the way!

I mean, he's right, but I can totally cut that.

Oh, is that right?

- [SPITS]

- Oh!

♪ And I realized the whole damn ♪ ♪ time I been missing out ♪

- Oh!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

♪ Oh, we never gonna go back ♪ ♪ to the way it was ♪

- Quinn, are you watching this?

- Call security, right now.

No, come on, it's good TV.

Just let it go.

This is exactly the kind of stuff I'm talking about when I say "too far"!

This show cannot take another lawsuit.

Well, if you don't want to know how the sausage gets made, then don't come to the factory!

[BILLY AND ALEXI GRUNTING]

MAN: Hey!

- Want to go?

- You...

♪ Did you get your fill? ♪

♪ Have you seen it all? ♪

♪ Have you had enough? ♪

Just walk away, mate.

Please, not in the face...

- Ohh!

- Watch the faces, guys!

Hey!

Enough!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Number-one rule on this show, you never solve a problem.

Screw the show, all right?

Nobody gets hurt on my watch.

Stop it!

We're supposed to be enjoying a show!

Stop!

Ah!

- Ahh!

- Oh, hey!

You get security or I am calling the cops.

No, no, come here, come here.

Just wait.

There is a priceless moment that is just about to happen.

I need a camera right now on Jasper.

And Owen.

- Hey, you okay?

- Oh, look, look, look!

- Who's gonna get to Serena first?

- This is a liability!

No, hold on a minute!

Just wait!

Wait for it.

♪ The way it was ♪

♪ The way it was ♪

♪ Oh, and we're never gonna go ♪ ♪ back to the way we was ♪

Look at that!

You cannot write that stuff!

Look at it!

♪ Tell me if you wanna ♪ ♪ roll with the rest of us ♪

That is what I'm talking about!

That's what I was waiting for.

And cut!

That is gonna be in every promo for the rest of the season.

Goldberg, to my office.

- ♪ The way it was ♪

- Boom!

[LAUGHS]

Congratulations on your little temper tantrum with street fighter Baryshnikov.

Okay, you can flatter me all you want, Quinn, but I'm so not back on this train.

I just sent Alexi in to stop the nuclear leak that this show has become.

Oh!

I see.

This was a big F-U to me because you're pissed.

But, I mean, come on, face it, that's when you do your best work.

I am your muse.

[LAUGHS]

Quinn, this is not funny.

I mean, like it or not, reality TV shapes our world.

Oh, please.

You're pumping toxic sludge into the minds of young women.

You're telling them that they have to dummy themselves down to land some dude.

Well, maybe it's the truth.

I mean, look at us.

Mm.

So, what?

You're just giving up?

No.

I don't want what she wants, Rachel.

Bullshit.

You want exactly what she wants.

You're just too scared to admit it because you're afraid you're never gonna get it.

I mean, you went all googly-eyed when John Booth said he wanted to have your baby, you completely freaked out over that diamond ring that Chet gave you...

Okay, enough, all right?

- I'm telling the truth.

- Just get the hell out.

- Quinn...

- Go!

Hey, Quinn, Race Car Billy got his hands on a phone and called his lawyer.

He's saying that Alexi provoked him and it's all a big set-up.

Great work, genius.

♪♪ - Hey.

- Hey.

Crazy night, huh?

Yeah.

You okay?

Yeah, thanks.

The dress is trashed, but...

Eh.

To be honest, I liked the last one better.

Really?

Seemed more you, I guess.

Well, what does that mean?

I don't know.

Um...

Okay, um...

Well, earlier at the craps table and then with Billy, you seemed kind of different.

Like maybe you were dumbing yourself down or something.

You know, Owen, you met me yesterday, so you don't really know who I am.

What I mean to say is that you don't have to do that with me.

Well, I don't really have to do anything with you.

Right?

W...

Serena..

[SIGHS]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

♪♪ Hi.

Sure glad that's over.

Hi.

Hey, uh, did you happen to...

get any news on the Congo at all?

- I didn't.

I am so sorry, it just c...

- It's okay.

No, it completely slipped my mind.

That's fine.

It's all good.

It's fine.

It's fine.

This thing tonight...

I, uh...

I feel ridiculous in a suit.

No.

You look amazing.

Thank you.

No...

Except for, um...

For this.

♪♪ Actually, I'm working right now.

Yeah, me, too.

♪♪ CHET: Hey, hey, so, is Billy gonna sue us?

Gary's all over my ass.

I sent Gary home, okay?

I got a quid pro quo from Billy, but that's only if Serena doesn't cut him.

Will she?

She's pretty pissed.

At all of us.

You're not gonna get all those bruises out of there.

All right.

Ready?

Yeah.

And action, Graham.

Well, guys.

Uh, obviously it's...

it's been a night of surprises.

But we're still not done.

You see, 11 of you will be continuing on your journey with Serena.

But unfortunately for two of you, Vegas is your last stop.

But no matter which road you're on tonight, though, each one of you will receive a very special, commemorative "Everlasting" tire Gauge courtesy of our own Billy Byrd and Byrd Racing Accessories.

So call now and mention "Everlasting" and get 10% off on all of your race car needs.

So, it's just a Billy infomercial now.

- Beats a lawsuit.

- SERENA:It has been such a crazy day, but I am still very excited to be here.

And I admire all of your...

passion.

And I hope to see more of that as we continue on this journey together.

Warren, Preston, Jasper, come and get your tire gauges.

- Alexi...

- Oh.

- Yes.

- Zach, Guy, I can't condone violence, but there is something exciting about being the center of that kind of attention.

Come on up.

August, Barry, Jamie.

You tried to stay above the fray, and I really appreciate that.

Owen, I feel like we're in danger of losing what we had.

I'm willing to give it another shot if you are.

Will you accept this tire Gauge?

[CHUCKLES]

- [WHISPERING]

I'm sorry.

- [WHISPERING]

No, hey, it's...

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't worry.

I'm still me.

Serena, this is the last tire Gauge of the night.

♪♪ Come on, pick Billy.

Do not screw me.

We had a deal, Serena.

[NORMAL VOICE]

Billy.

You cold-cocked Alexi.

And your outburst was childish.

Come on!

But I like a man with fire in his belly, so this tire Gauge is for you.

So come on up.

Quinn pro quo.

[WHISPERS]

Don't get your hopes up.

GRAHAM: Ken and Aaron, I want to thank you guys for a great day.

Your cars are waiting.

And cut.

That's a wrap.

[SIGHS]

- Hi, Serena.

- Hi.

- See, it worked.

- Mm-hmm.

Nice dress.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

You got these guys eating out of the palm of your hands.

Thank you for your help with this Billy thing, by the way.

Yes, well, the donation check better be to the San Jose Youth Shelter by end of business tomorrow.

Consider it done.

[CHUCKLES]

Great idea.

You are so right.

That was...

amazing.

- Thank you.

- [BOTH LAUGH]

God, men are stupid.

[SIGHS]

You good?

Yes.

Absolutely.

♪♪ So, what?

Owen's like your little buddy now?

What of it?

Well, that's your plan?

Did you come back here to protect the "good guys"?

That's how you're gonna redeem yourself?

I don't know, Rach.

What's your plan?

♪♪ - Want me to hold it?

- Okay, I can take it.

Thought you wanted me to hold it.

- Why would I want you to hold it?

- I don't know.

Is that the calfskin or the caviar?

It's actually the lambskin, but without the graffiti thing.

Where did you get the flower strap?

It was a gift.

[CELLPHONE CHIMES]

Oh.

Oh, my car's here.

- Bye.

- Oh, okay.

Bye.

Hi.

All right.

♪♪ Hi.

Hey.

I, um...

I wanted to follow up about the Congo.

Oh, okay, oh, great.

Yeah?

So, it seems like the UN is gonna intervene...

and the rebels signed a cease-fire.

That's awesome.

Thank you.

Hey, uh...

move over.

It's okay, it's big enough for two.

And if we're careful, it will expand around us.

See what I mean?

There we go.

Comfy?

Hey, do you know in the southern hemisphere we have some stars...

that you never see?

And the ones that we do share, they look totally different.

- Mm.

- Well...

Do you guys...

You guys have Orion?

[CHUCKLES]

That's Orion.

- Oh.

Okay.

- Almost.

♪♪ Um...

Whoa, whoa!

We have an early call tomorrow.

I'm gonna...

I'm gonna go.

Okay.

[SIGHS]

[ADRIA'S "PULL ME UNDER" PLAYING]

♪ I don't want to fear no more ♪ ♪♪

♪ Can you make me beautiful? ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ There is so much more to say ♪

♪ But you don't say a word ♪

♪ I'm the sun, I'm the rain ♪

♪ Pull me under, under again ♪

♪ I want to go, I want to go where the wind blows ♪

♪ Pull me under ♪

♪ It's enough, just let me go ♪ August. Am I in trouble?

♪ Pull me under ♪ Yes.

August?

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ I'm the sun, I'm the rain ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪ ♪ Pull me under ♪

♪ Let me go ♪

[MOANING]

- You're so beautiful.

- Stop talking.

Stop talking.

♪ Pull me under ♪