01x02 - Episode 2

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Humans". Aired: June 2015 to July 2018.*
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"Humans" is set in suburban London and the story takes place in a parallel present where the latest must-have gadget for any busy family is a Synth: a highly-developed robotic servant that's so similar to a real human it's transforming the way we live. Based on the award-winning Swedish sci-fi drama "Real Humans".
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01x02 - Episode 2

Post by bunniefuu »

There she blows, then. Your brand-new Synthetic.

That'll cover all your basic house work.

This is the best thing you will do for you family.

What about a doctor? That'd take me seven years, but by then you'd be able to turn any old Synth into a brain surgeon in seven seconds.

I'm sorry about my case going over.

Wow! Mother Of The Year.

The health service hasn't ordered half a million of them for fun.

I'm happy with the one I have got.

These Synths are physically no different to any others and yet...

Elster gave them consciousness.

I don't want one around the kids, Joe!

We're not taking it back.

What if you can't find her?

No! I will find her, Maxie. Because I love her.

You need to stay inside after we go to bed. Is that clear?

Mummy.

Hi.

Morning, Potato.

Did you, er...

Did you have an accident last night?

Eurgh, Mummy! I haven't done that in ages.

I know, I know.

It's just you changed pyjamas, darling. The other ones are wet.

I didn't change them.

OK. Never mind. Time to get up. I'll go and do your lunchbox.

Can you cut off the crusts like Anita does?

Sure.

'Could you use some extra help around the house?'

'Introducing the world's first family android.'

'This mechanical maid is capable of serving more than just breakfast in bed.'

'What could you accomplish if you had someone, someTHING like this?'

'These machines will bring us closer together.'

(Electronic beeping)

Put something on him, for pity's sake!

Sorry, sir.

What is he?

He's the Mona Lisa.

He's penicillin.

He's the atom b*mb...

What have you found?

Yeah, well, this memory fragment's an old one.

It's been reviewed internally thousands of times, like it's been remembered.

Must be important.

Stop it right there, Fiona, will you?

So, what happened?

He's punched him a couple of times.

Yeah?

He head butts.

He gets him in a... I'm going to show you.

Come on. So, he puts his arm behind his back, like that.

Agh.

And then he breaks it...

Agh!

So, they say, right, if you keep pushing then your arm falls off.

Yeah, it hurts, that's why.

You finished, yeah? Done?

All right, Haystacks, we're both going to be late now.

See you later.

See you later.

See you, Mum.

Anita, I don't suppose you could do my job for me, too?

I'm sorry, Joe. I'm afraid I don't understand the question.

Never mind.

Anita's made us chicken chasseur for tonight.

Oh.

What you doing?

Just standing around being a sh*t mother.

Oh, Maxie.

Let's go and see if Silas came back.

Hang on. I'll give you a hand.

No, no. You sleep.

No, it's fine.

Mind your elbow. ~ Yep.

Mind your elbow. ~ Yep.

That's it.

Thank you.

Yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

OK, tell me when you land.

Yeah, I'm down.

Busy day?

Oh, late shift. Not getting picked up until one.

You?

Last hydrotherapy at 11.

I could take you, if you want. Wear me Speedos.

(She chuckles)

What an offer.

Nah, it's OK. Simon'll do it.

You sure? I don't mind.

He just knows what I need.

Yeah.

Oh!

Oh.

Ugh.

(He groans)

Christ, you all right?

Oh...

I'm stuck on the loo with my knickers round my ankles, you're on the floor with concussion, it's not even nine o'clock yet!

There's no more bog roll left, either.

(They laugh)

Simon!

Leo... what if we weren't meant to be a family?

What are you talking about?

Maybe we're not supposed to be together.

No, there's no such thing as fate.

Nothing's decided.

Not for you, maybe.

But we were made.

Our father designed me to be a certain way.

I can't escape that.

Everything that ever happened to me made me what I am now.

I can't escape it, either. But he's dead, Max.

And when I look at you, I don't see a design... I see my brother.

All right?

Come on!

JESUS!

I'm sorry, Laura. I didn't mean to startle you.

Why do you creep around like that?!

By default, I attempt to be as unobtrusive as possible, to promote a relaxing home environment.

Is there anything I can do for you?

No, no. I'm working from home today.

Why have you washed your shoes?

They became soiled from walking outside this morning, Laura.

Did you...

Never mind.

But I'm watching you.

I'm watching you, too, Laura.

You're right in front of me.

Now, this guy's a head cr*cker. A good one.

If he realises what you are...

If I tell you to run - run.

Promise me, Max. Whatever happens.

Good.

All right, I'm looking for Silas. I need a mod for this one.

Salim Sadik sent me!

(Machinery whirs)

Oi, boss - friends of Sadik's.

How do you know Salim?

Do you remember when you and him got busted fencing those stolen EXULs?

What, like, three years ago?

I was the one that paid his bail.

We used to junk. I owed him one.

The mod can wait. I'm actually looking for something for Salim.

Don't know why he wants it.

Have you seen her?

(He sniggers)

What?

Oh, we remember that one.

You worked on her?

He owes me money.

Yeah, yeah. He mentioned that.

He mention it was 15 grand?

No, he didn't. It was just in passing.

This one would pay off a chunk.

No.

Oh.

Then maybe you can give Salim something from me.

Something nice, I hope...

Stay back!

Tell me what you did with the Synth and I'm gone.

COME ON! You'll never see me again!

Some junkers brought her in a few weeks ago. They'd picked three strays up from somewhere.

They powered her up, to have a bit of fun.

Turns out she was a corrupted mod.

Gone in the head. Fighting, kicking.

Weird.

And what did you do? Huh?

I sorted her out so they could sell her on.

Gave her a new personality.

Full system wipe.

Good as new.

Ugh.

You and me just fell out.

Agh.

Who the hell are you?

RUN!

(Doorbell rings)

Odi, hide.

No... in the shed.

Dr Millican. I said I'd be back. I need to check on that D series.

Oh, I recycled him.

Just as well I brought this one along then, isn't it?

Shall we get on with the forms?

Wait! What are you doing?

The particulate saturation in this room exceeds safe limits for men over the age of 60. It must be cleaned and aired.

Maybe. But you don't do anything without asking first. Is that clear?

I'm here to take care of you, George.

You're here to do as you're damn well told.

And it's Dr Millican.

Yes, Dr Millican.

There is mould on the skirting board.

Mycotoxins in mould spores may cause your asthmatic bronchitis to reoccur.

How do you know that?

The health service contract you have agreed to allows me to access your medical records.

(Knocking on window)

Agh! sh**ting pains.

You must sit down. I will perform a full examination.

Agh.

Try to relax.

Ooh. Ooh-ooh-ooh.

It's better. It's better.

You are prohibited from this action.

Get him inside before someone sees us. Come on.

Turn it off.

I'm trying.

Any unauthorised attempt...

(Power down beep)

Great. Good.

Oh, my God. Did he see us?

OK, let's connect it up.

How do you know how to do this stuff, anyway?

Because I'm a genius.

And I'm following instructions on a hacker forum. Here goes.

Oh, hey, let's make it punch itself in the face!

The crapness of your imagination makes me want to cry.

If this works, we'll be added as hidden secondary users.

We'll get to tell it what to do?!

You're like this, erm, sexy t*rror1st.

Is that a joke?

Yeah. Yeah. Obviously.

Moment of truth.

If I've done this wrong, I've just broke 20 grand's worth of school equipment.

(Power up fanfare)

Illegal programming modification in progress.

sh*t, it didn't work.

The school board has been notified.

This really isn't good. Go, go, go.

The school board has been notified.

Come on, come on, come on.

Illegal programming modification in progress.

Quick! Faster!

The school board has been notified.

The school board has been notified.

Ow!

Careful!

Don't shout at him! It has to hurt a bit.

Peter, Jill said you may not be able to have dinner.

I made you sandwiches to take to work.

They are by the door.

Get in the car, sweetheart.

Ready for another hard night at the coalface? Domestic on the Warren Estate.

Divorcing couple are having a public fistfight over who gets the family dolly.

(Knocking on window)

Peter. You forgot these!

That's not...

What a beefcake!

Just drive!

Peter?!

Your sandwiches.

(Mobile phone rings)

Laura Hawkins.

'Mrs Hawkins, it is Miss Evans here. Matilda's head of year.'

What's she done?

'I think you should come in.'

What upsets me most is how brilliant your grades have always been.

The careers advisor said she'd make a brilliant research assistant.

Or trainee sonographer.

You didn't tell me you'd seen a careers advisor.

It was just a dolly.

Do you have a problem with Synthetics?

Why would I have a problem with the thing that's making my existence pointless?

I told you - I didn't touch him.

We both know there's no-one in this school who would even know where to begin.

Modifying Synthetics is not only illegal, it's also dangerous.

If I find you were responsible - exclusion will be on the table.

All right. I've heard your allegation and your thr*at - but I haven't heard any proof.

My daughter has said she didn't do it, so until you come up with some evidence to the contrary, that's how we'll proceed.

Mattie?

I have double English down there.

Meet me in town at 4:30.

We're going shopping.

That's a creative punishment.

Yeah. Well, I might even buy you some shoes.

I'm not pissing about.

Expulsion? Oh, Christ. That'll totally cock my career prospects.

(He chuckles)

Got you!

Look. I've got, like, zero future.

There's literally nothing I can do that a dolly can't do better and I'm cool with that.

But you, I dunno, you could still do something.

You need to be more careful.

Next time, I'll cr*ck it.

It's all so pointless. The Synths could hit a hole in one every time and all they do is carry the bags. It's like, I don't know, using a Ferrari as... a golf cart.

You know why I like smoking weed with you?

I feel it thicks you down a bit, you know.

Well, not to my level, obviously, but a bit closer.

I should go.

You're actually going to meet her?!

I wish Mum could just be honest with me, you know?

Instead of treating me like a problem she has to solve.

My problem's simpler than that.

My dad hates me.

(Clocks tick and chime)

One bowl of low sodium bean broth.

You need to run a self-diagnostic, old girl. I said a toasted cheese.

This meal is in keeping with your current dietary requirements.

Yes - I'd like... I'd like to return my Synth.

'What is the nature of the fault, sir?'

Well, there is no fault. Except it's just that she'd just be better suited to guarding a chain g*ng on a Siberian gulag.

'Unless there is a fault, sir, there are no grounds for replacing or returning your assigned care unit.'

Could you say that again?

I had a stroke and I forget things and I'm a widower.

'Unless there's a fault, sir there are no grounds for replacing or returning your assigned care unit.'

Christ. You are one of them.

'Yes, sir. If you'd like to speak to a human manager, our next available...'

Seriously. What are we doing here?

I'm assuming you did it.

Yeah.

Why?

To see if I could.

Just don't do anything to Anita.

The others think the sun shines out of her plastic arse.

What do you make of her? Do you think she's... normal?

Not "she" - it.

I'll tell you what isn't normal about it.

I remember you saying we'd never get one.

It'd mess with our heads and make us lazy, blah-blah-blah. But then suddenly, dad goes out and gets one - and you're OK with it.

Oh. Mattie, come on.

Whatever.

Is it me, or are we here every other day?

The Synths steal their jobs - they steal the Synths. Makes sense to me.

(Mobile phone rings)

D.I. Voss.

How many appliances?

OK.

Come on, Silas Capex's back in business.

I can't believe they let him out.
(Indistinct chatter)

Yeah, over there...

OK, switch her on.

Hello, shithead.

Is it really that nice in prison? I assume you've got documentation for all these?

They're not mine. I found them.

And I suppose none of them've been illegally modified for purposes that contravene the Synthetic Registration Act?

Who knows? But I have seen some proper freaky ones recently.

It's a funny old game, innit?

Aargh!

Pete, stop!

Help!

Help!

Get them to the station, will you?

Report that, you'll do twice as long.

Hey - you want out? Apply for a transfer.

What's the matter with you?!

We're losing ourselves, K.

These - they are turning everything to sh*t and no-one else can see it.

Oh, really? Because all the bad things that ever happened to me were done by other people!

And this is a bit rich coming from the man who owns one.

I don't own it!

The insurance company sent it after Jill's accident. It stays a few weeks, gets her back on her feet.

OK. Come on, I'll drive you home.

Leo! Leo, wake up!

We have to get our family back, Maxie. Niska's waiting for us.

Let's take care of you first.

(Alarm blares)

Number seven, disinfect.

(Alarm blares)

Number seven, next in six minutes.

(No sound)

Why don't you do that...

(Indistinct chatter)

HE LAUGHS There's literally no end!

What we'll do - why don't you do this and we'll take a break?

We've got to get the other wheel back on.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You do that...

I'm not doing that, it's your bike!

Dad, you need the exercise, mate.

When was the last time you put that wheel on?

You heard him, Maxie.

They did something to her head.

I know.

Save your energy.

They found us. You need to get us out of here now.

What about our stuff?

Max...

You need to...

Max! We need to go.

'Ladies and gentlemen, in just a few moments our show will begin.'

'Elvis is alive.'

(Video game noises)

Oh! Oh, let me.

It's fine.

Of course, Toby.

What is a chasseur, anyway?

It's a guy who drives you around, and then, stops to rub your shoulders.

That was quick.

Yeah, I thought of it earlier.

What's she doing?

Anita, what are you doing?

I'm doing the ironing, Laura.

What's that?

What are you...

Oh, God! Argh! Oh, God!

Teganaria domestica. The house spider.

I found it on the wall as I was preparing to iron.

Did you know?

I'm sorry, Laura. I don't understand the question.

Did you know I don't like spiders? Did you do that on purpose?

Laura, how could she possibly know?

I'm sorry, Laura.

I won't forget that you don't like spiders in the future.

Shall I finish the ironing?

Yes, please. Lor, what's going on?

Oh, I don't trust it, OK?

You brought it into the house and we don't know anything about it.

It's a machine.

She's watching me.

OK, now you just sound...

What the hell is going on with you?

Please stick out your tongue.

You're kidding.

Any non-compliance or variation in your medication intake must be reported to your GP.

You're not a carer.

You're a jailer.

Elster would be sick to his stomach if he'd seen what you've become.

I'm fine, OK? Now get lost.

Tugboat.

That's good.

Store that.

That's your new name.

Any new designation or diminutive not on the pre-approved list must be cleared with your local health authority in their capacity as this unit's primary user.

You should sleep now, Dr Millican. Your pulse is slightly elevated.

Slightly?

Your GP will be notified of any refusal to follow recommendations made in your best interests.

There are bits of you that have hardly changed since my original designs. I...

I helped create you.

Perhaps I could perform a soothing action, stroke your head or play some relaxing forest sounds?

Um, maybe the land of nod is calling.

Goodnight, Vera.

Do you think we love our children because we choose to... or because we have to?

Are we hard-wired to love them because that's what nature needs to keep it all going?

Blimey! Where's that coming from?

I've just been thinking.

Not everyone loves their kids.

I think we choose.

You know, whatever's going on with you, it's got nothing to do with Anita.

Stop trying to make it about her.

She doesn't give you the creeps?

Did something happen in Leeds?

(Knock on door)

Excuse me, Laura.

You left your mobile phone downstairs.

God!

Ow! Ow!

What are you doing, you ninny?

You're supposed to be hiding. If someone sees you out here...

The bulb is reaching the end of its useful life.

Aren't we all?

Now, listen, put yourself into energy-saving mode.

(He powers down)

Not yet.

First of all, sit down.

Now put this cloth over your head.

Is it a game, George?

Yeah, it's a kind of game, Odi.

Dr Millican!

Energy-saving mode now.

What are you doing, Dr Millican?

Oh!

Minding my own business.

This is an improper environment at this hour.

You've injured your knee.

It's all right.

I must ask you to return to the house.

I don't take orders from you.

What are you...

How dare you?

You can't touch me.

I didn't give you permission.

This isn't right.

Hello, Toby.

sh*t!

Are you having trouble sleeping?

Sh! Just... Just be quiet, please.

I just needed water. Sorry.

I thought you were, like, hibernating or....

I put myself in an energy-saving mode during charging.

Are you sure there's nothing I can do for you?

No.

Thanks.

You just shut your eyes again, yeah?

Just pretend I'm not here.

Inappropriate physical contact between myself and secondary users must be reported to a primary user.

You're not...

Are you going to tell my parents?

My safety and wellbeing will be, like, massively at risk if you do.

I cannot withhold information from my primary user, Toby.

Oh...

However, in this instance, no inappropriate physical contact was made, so no information is deemed.

There's nothing to tell your parents.

Oh.

Thanks.

I'm really, really sorry, Anita.

Why'd they have to make you so fit?

(Buzzer sounds)

'Seven, you're up.'

(Beep)

Hi, handsome.

I've been waiting for you all...

Please, there's no need to bother with all that malarkey.

It's not the Ritz, is it?

I don't really know what I was expecting.

What would you like me to do?

Well, we could start by sitting down.

I've... I've never done anything like this before, as you can probably tell.

My God, you're beautiful.

Do they...

Do they ever let you out of this room?

I can initiate sexual contact if you would prefer, but you must confirm.

All right. I suppose. Yes.

Perhaps you would like to talk?

No.

No.

What I'd like...

It's not...

It's all right. You can tell me.

I want you to act scared, like I'm... You know?

And I want...

I want you to be young, too. Yeah.

No.

No? What do you mean, no?

No, I won't do that.

You'll do whatever I tell you to! I paid £100 upfront!

For the next hour, you belong to me.

I don't belong to anyone.

Who taught you to talk like that?

My father.

'Hey, sexy!

'Come here!'

Bloody hell!

Don't you move. Who's been mucking about in your head, then, eh?

Everything your men do to us, they want to do to you.

Ah!

[Seriously... Seriously, I'm docking your allowance if you can't go]

[quicker than that. Come on!]

[Which way are we going?]

(Phone vibrates)

(Door slams)

Hello.

Why don't you share?

We're not having much luck pinning down any other memories.

They're all just stored chaotically.

The others will go to ground when they realise we have him, so we need to work fast.

Perhaps it's time we try something else.

Like what?

Talking to him.

Leo.

Le...

Come on.

Hello, are you...

Are you done in there?

(Banging on door)

Hello? Public toilets.

Could you hurry up, please?

There we go.

(Whimpering)

I'm struggling, Dad.

Don't drag me back. Don't drag me back.

Yes...

Cheating!

Get off!

I'm an old man!

I'm an old man!

Oh, yes.

Ohh...

Oh, yes!

Oh, don't show off.

Aaah! Ha-ha-ha!

Good morning, Laura. Did you sleep well?

Where's Joe?

He and Toby left for a bike ride 23 minutes ago.

Would you like something? Juice? Coffee?

Morning.

You were right about it. It's not normal.

How do you mean?

When synths meet each other, they share data wirelessly.

Updating each other on useful stuff.

You know, when you see them staring at each other all weird and silent?

Well, Anita doesn't do that.

Why don't you share data with other synths?

I'm sorry, Laura. I'm afraid I don't understand the question.

Did you take Sophie outside the night before last?

Her pyjamas were wet. They'd been changed.

No, Laura.

Are you lying to me?

I cannot lie.

How can you be so sure?

I'm programmed not to lie.

I cannot contravene my programming.

But...

Therefore, I cannot lie.

You can go wrong. You can break.

Yes, Laura. But I can detect no current system faults.

So, you don't know anything about Sophie being outside?

Did you hear what I said?

There was water.

What do you mean, there was water?

It rained that night.

Perhaps Sophie went outside.

I know she went outside, that's what I'm saying.

I will always keep Sophie safe.

What's that supposed to mean?

Would you like me to finish clearing up now, Laura?

Oh, come on, come on, come on...

(Laura sighs)

Hello... Hello.

Is there someone I could speak to?

About the behaviour of my synth.

Um... I recently acquired..

Mummy! (Sophie cries)

Is it possible for them to have accidents?

Mum!

(Sophie cries)

Sophie? Are you all right?

There's a wolf under my bed.

I think you had a nightmare, that's all. Don't be frightened.

Cuddle.

I'm sorry, Sophie, I'm not allowed to touch you without your mummy or daddy saying it's all right first.

Cuddle!

It was eating me.

For as long as I am with you... no harm will ever come to you.

Anita!

Mats, have you seen Anita?

Anita, get away from her!

Go and get in the car. Right now.

Where are you going?

I'm sorry, Sophie, Anita has to go away. Say goodbye, please.

No! Why?

She's broken.

No, she isn't! She's my friend!

Soph, please, darling, say goodbye.

Sophie... if your mummy says I'm broken, then I must be.

Your mummy wouldn't lie.

And if I'm broken, I can't look after you properly, can I?

Goodbye.

(Sophie sobs)

Bye, Mattie.

I'll look after her.

Thanks.

Hey. Shh... It's OK. It's OK.

Hey, you've still got the most badass big sister in the world.

Would you like me to drive, Laura?

No!

May I ask where you're taking me?

Back.
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