01x01 - Pilot

[Cow mooing]

[screeching]

[Snoring]

Hey, guys! How about a hand?

All... your... fault.

[Cow mooing]

[Elevator bell dings]

New kid. Aw. Filled with hope.

Lights, camera... You!

[Pinging]

Good morning, Milton Middle School!

Principal Friday here with today's rundown-fundown!

Football game tomorrow, which means pep rally today!

[Beeps]

Go, interrupting cows!

[Beeps] Can I get a... moo-moo? Moo-moo!

Our mathletes will be heading into their first academic decathlon of the year.

Moo, four, six, eight! Who do we moo-ppreciate?

Moo!

Moo!

And last thing, cowpokes.

We've been getting reports of poison oak on the quad.

So, please, stay away or you'll be covered in... cow-lamine lotion.

As always, I will be signing off with a little bonus humor.

[Screams]

What did one marine... biologist waiter say to the other marine biologist waiter?

Uh, I don't know, Principal Friday.

What did one marine biologist waiter say to the other marine biologist waiter?

We all serve a... "porpoise."

[Both chuckle]

Because it sounds like "purpose."

That's comedy gold.

Don't touch that.

Coach Peterson!

Oh, gah! Darn shoelaces.

[Sighs] What is it?

Who has four thumbs and is your new starting quarterback?

Huh?

Oh. You're counting the thumbs in the picture.

Ah, yes, I am. Logan Davis, new transfer.

I'd like to try out for the team.

I'd like a magic straw that keeps me from gaining weight each time they roll out those minty green milkshakes.

[Chuckles] I'm taking that as a "yes."

Uh-uh.

Wha-uh?

The interrupting cows are on a winning streak.

I haven't changed my lucky underwear in five games.

You think I'm about to change my starters?

Oh... okay. [Awkward chuckle]

Well, think about it.

Thanks for your help, Dullbert.

I can't believe I dropped my favorite pocket protector in the trash.

If we can't protect our pockets, we're lost as a culture.

[School bell rings]

That bell you just heard... cannot be un-rung. Anyone caught loitering... gets detention!

[Echoing]

[Cow mooing]

Wow. Looks great.

At my old school, you couldn't tell where the plastic tray ended or where the food began.

Did I ask you?

... is what I would say, if I were in a bad mood.

Which I'm not.

Thank you, power yoga.

Namaste.

[Bell dings]

[Electricity crackles]

[Angelic choir]

Maintenance! Light bulb's out!

Do your job and fix it.

Hey! Choir kids, loving that harmony.

Both: Thank you.

[Rumbling]

[Footsteps thumping]

[Robotic scanning]

[Beeping]

"Collect ten for a free wedgie"?

What is this?

A punch card.

[Groans]

Nine more to go.

Whoa. Weird, am I right?

[Awkward chuckle] Anyway...

Uh, looking forward to sharing the gridiron with you guys, this year.

Knuckles, pound it!

We've got our team. So the only person you'll be playing football with, is Nana, because she's slow and old and smells like yeast.

But she's still a good Nana, so...

Stay away from Nana!

But I...

[screeching]

[Snoring]

[Electricity crackles]

♪♪

lunch lady: Get it together, maintenance!

Looking sharp, band kids!

Hey, I'm Logan Davis.

Logan Davis?

Yes?

It's called a "selfie," not a "self-and-some-rando-fie."

Bebe Whitman. It's your pleasure, I'm sure.

Olive Dimitri.

Hobbies: Rock collecting, homework, and winning.

I put homework in the middle so I can keep my eye on it.

Okay. What's your name?

Were my eyes open?

Cool! I slept with my eyes open!

Those who dare speak to me call me "Dullbert."

Boy. Hate to run into you in a dark alley at night or anywhere ever.

Past or future.

The crane is a symbol of happiness, luck and peace.

Here, new friend.

Saw you trying to weasel your way into Table One.

I wasn't weaseling. Pierce Brown and Portia Lee.

They're all a bunch of snobs.

They call themselves "The Royals."

Take their name out of your filthy mouth, Jane!

The Royals are wonderful, popular young adults.

They're always nominated for king and queen on the royal court.

And let's thank our last year's king and queen!

[Applause]

And this year's spring queen is... once again, Portia Lee!

[Audience] Aw!

[Applause]

Okay. Moving on. Our spring king is...

Shocker alert!

Pierce Brown!

Get up here, Pierce!

Where... [Chuckles]

All right. Okay.

[Applause]

[Applause continues]

We haven't seen the former king since.

Rumor is he ran away and lives in an abandoned food truck.

What's the big deal about what table you're at?

It's just lunch.

[All sighing] Oh, boy.

And Chanel Number Five is just toilet water.

Who you sit with determines who you are.

Yeah, look at Table Four, French club.

They're way different from Table 4a.

French-Canadian club.

And no one ever sits outside their group.

Under penalty of death.

I just met you, but I'm betting you're one of those people who rooted for Voldemort.

Team Slytherin.

So, if everyone stays with their group, how'd you guys end up together?

It was not a choice left to our choosing.

Bottom of the barrel.

Us.

True. Table 58 is slightly better than eating alone in the bathroom.

[Laughs]

Never mind.

It's the same.

Oh, well, I belong at Table One.

I was Q.B. at my old school.

They called me "Logan, the Laser."

Because you had corrective eye surgery?

Because I could throw a pass with pinpoint precision.

Sorry. Don't follow water polo.

I believe Logan is speaking of that inane sporting event where synaptically-challenged alphas transform a dirty lawn into a concussion factory.

Yeah, football. It's awesome.

It's you and your teammates acting as one unit, fighting against the opposing team, trying to move a ball up and... down a dirty lawn.

Let me try that again.

[School bell rings]

Nice to meet you guys.

Royals first.

♪♪

Ziggy McCallister, leader of the Meanies.

The only bully at Milton with a rewards program.

I'm three away from winning a tote bag!

♪♪

Ah! Lunch Lady Sneed?

Why did you order green hands?

I said, "I wanted lean hams." I have no use for these.

Okay, well, I will not have waste at my school, Lunch Lady Sneed, so find a use.

Everything serves a porpoise.

[Chuckles]

[Under breath] Makes some lame joke, and suddenly, my day is ruined.

Heard that!

Hey, all of you have study hall this period, too?

Occupied.

Greetings, Table 3.14.

I have procured this area so that we mathletes may study as a single hive mind.

Uncool. What was that about?

It's nothing. Just a bit of mental horseplay before the big competition.

How about the truth? What happened?

If you must know, the nerds are unhappy with my performance at the last academic decathlon.

Oh, you lost.

Olive Dimitri never loses!

I brought the team to victory.

I solved the final equation on my own.

I was called "The Argyle Einstein."

Cool... I think.

Not so much. It seems that jealousy, unlike a compounding integer, has no limits.

Which is why you're at Table 58.

[Sighs] They rejected me like a baboon heart.

[Scoffs] So who needs them?

Just form your own mathlete team.

And perhaps, you can form your own football team.

Point taken.

No. I must prevail and get back into the metaphorical fold.

Without academic decathlons, I...

Well, simply put, I... I'd have no porpoise.

Like me and football.

Royals aside, I belong on that field.

It's just who I am.

I've got to make the team.

[Students chattering, school bell rings]

Coach Peterson, glad I found you.

I'm trying out for the team.

Told you, Thumbs. We got our team.

Coach Peterson!

Go long.

I'll go long.

The Laser never misses.

Now, normally, when people throw garbage at me, in public, I divorce them.

But I've got to admit...

I did see a tight spiral in there, so I'm going to give you a chance.

I'll see you on the field.

Wait. Aren't you staying for the pep rally?

I hate rallies. I hate pep.

[Groans]

Hey!

Sweatpants!

Don't mess with the king.

Ick. No offense.

You can't say something offensive and make it better by adding "no offense."

That's something a rude idiot would do.

No offense.

Hey, guys, over here.

Anyone not in a seat in the next four seconds gets detention!

One! Four!

♪♪

These laces. [Sighs]

I tried. Braised them for an hour.

They taste like foam, turned my pots green, Principal Friday says, "find its porpoise."

Namaste!

I've got to get myself some velcro. [Sighs]

[Drum roll]

Moo!

I said, "moo"! Thank you.

I hereby declare this pep rally over.

You are now assembled unlawfully.

[School bell rings]

Oh!

I don't know about you, but...

My school spirits have been lifted.

What happened?

Our shoes. They've been compromised.

Eight more to go. Good job!

Forget football. This is your porpoise.

Let's just untie our shoes before...

Whoa! Loitering after the bell rang.

De-ten-tion! After school.

What?

No!

Yes.

Vice Principal Monty, I have try-outs after school.

[School bell rings]

Attention, delinquents.

An official Logan Davis I.O.U.

I'll do 20 minutes of detention today, finish it up tomorrow.

Now, I owe you.

See all those unruly leaves?

They are a metaphor for your own unruly behavior.

You're going to rake it and contain it.

Gloves, bags, this way! Come on!

This punishment is both cruel and unusual.

I can respect that.

Hey, Jane. I thought you said everyone kept with their own at this crazy school.

Under penalty of death.

Well, Pierce and Ziggy seem to be buds.

Keep this up and you'll be sitting at Table 12.

[Ominous music]

[Sighs]

Detention is over when you have rid the quad of all leaves.

Hey, guys, we forgot gloves.

Skip them. The sooner we finish, the sooner we can go.

Feeney!

This candy ain't going to crush itself, bro.

Newbs, please.

After school detention's only an hour.

Once time is up, Monty has to let us go.

Leaves or no leaves.

A detention loophole?

Cool.

You're in my world now, kid.

I can wait an hour. Bebe out.

Dullbert out as well.

Well, I'm in.

I'm meeting Coach Peterson in 20 minutes.

We got this. If we work together, I know we can get this done. Table 58 can do anything.

What do you say?

[Crickets chirping]

Forget them. Tick tock.

Thanks, Olive. You're a good friend.

See those nerds?

They leave for the academic decathlon in 20 minutes.

Oh, and you want to be with them.

You saw how vindictive they were.

If I miss this competition, they'll think they don't need me.

Then I'll be permanently ousted from the metaphorical fold.

Okay. I only understood about half of that, but whatever, let's do this.

Feeney: Hey, Logan.

Why don't you just use the leaf vacuum in the tool shed?

Together: There's a leaf vacuum?

[Whistle blowing]

Perfect.

It was perfect.

[Sighs] Yup, it's locked.

Back to crushing.

Bebe, do you have a hairpin?

Hat or bobby?

Black, blonde, red, brown, or sparkle?

Just give me one.

You just assume that I can pick a lock?

Yeah, okay.

[Grunts]

Excellent, big guy.

Olive, what's the fastest...

Way ahead of you.

According to my calculations, vacuuming in a reverse fibonacci spiral is the most efficient leaf-gathering method.

You gave yourself a gold star?

Excellence should always be recognized.

[Sighs]

Fine. You're dismissed.

One minute to spare. Feet, don't fail me now.

Try-outs, here I come.

Halt!

No-no-no-no-no.

No one leaves till they're no more leaves.

Who's responsible for all this?

Well?

Fine. Then you can all stay to clean it up.

Detention's back on, baby!

[Sighs]

It's all my fault.

Nobody else is to blame. I forgot to tie up my bags.

And... I'll stay and clean it up.

Wow.

You've only been here one day, and already managed to get on my bad side?

Consider your efficiency noted.

Fine. He stays. The rest of you are free to go.

[Whispers] Thank you.

Yo, new kid. You missed a leaf.

Decent move, Davis. When I met you, I pegged you to be just another dumb, selfish jock.

Turns out I was half-wrong.

Thanks... wait. Which half?

I did what I had to do.

Olive needed this more than I did.

What about your destiny of moving a ball down a dirty lawn?

Maybe coach will give me another shot?

Sure, he will.

Right after he buys you a lollipop and a unicorn named "Linda."

[Chuckles] Now, don't count me out too soon.

Wait till Coach sees me spiral my breakfast burrito tomorrow.

I'll bug him every day till I make the team.

Until then... the bottom of the barrel welcomes you.

Logan: Hey, guys! How about a hand?

All... your... fault.

Hey, how was I supposed to know that there was poison oak on the quad?

[Laughs] I told you kids to wear gloves.

Well, good news is, those foam hands should keep the calamine applied directly to those disgusting, infected skin boils.

So you could say, they serve...

They serve a porpoise! [Chuckles]

[Sighs] I need a moment.

I was going to...

[Friday] Monty!

Yeah.

I've been thinking. Table 58's different from those other tables.

Because we're hygiene-optional!

I believe Logan's referring to our complementary strengths.

I say, we use those strengths to get back to our tables.

We work together to break apart.

Oh, irony.

You are truly the universe's rubber chicken.

Yeah, so anyway...

We should at the top, the Royals.

We'll take them down first.

[Angrily] This idea...

[Calmly] It doesn't annoy me that much.

The Royals are wonderful, popular... once we take them down, you can be queen.

I'm in.

Statistically speaking, working as one unit would increase our chances of succeeding.

Don't you ever just talk like a normal person?

Short answer... No. Long answer...

Uh, we're done.

So, we're all in?

Yeah, I dig it.

Queen Bebe... [Sighs]

Has a nice ring to it, right?

Wait. We're going to take down the richest, meanest table in school?

How are we supposed to do that?

No idea.

Great organizational skills.

No battle plans?

[Unenthusiastically] I can't wait to start.

Pound it!

[Laughs]

[All laugh]

[Laughter echoes]

[Laughter continues]

♪ I don't need a time machine ♪
♪ to take me where I need to go ♪
♪ I don't need a tiny scene ♪
♪ to tell me what I need to know ♪
♪ I will find my way ♪
♪ oh ♪
♪ the path they choose ♪
♪ the map they use I throw away ♪
♪ I will find my way ♪
♪ through the darkest part of night ♪
♪ to the farthest stars away ♪
♪ I will shine in the brightest of light ♪
♪ I will find my way ♪
♪ oh ♪
♪ the path they choose ♪
♪ the map they use I throw away ♪
♪ I will find my way ♪