Previously on "Impastor"...
It is time we showed the world we're a couple.
I brought you a Bible for your desk.
Now you look like a real pastor.
When you get your sh*t at revenge, make the most of it.
I can't believe Austin would do such a thing.
I hereby sentence you to two years at Murdock Juvenile Detention Center.
Buddy!
Come with me. I know who you are.
Okay, Barlow, or whatever your real name is.
I'm Federal Agent Landecker.
'Sup? [clears throat]
I'm the Director of the Pacific Northwest Division, and we don't have any record of an agent working undercover in Ladner.
Which is a real compliment to you.
It is?
When you national boys go U.C., you go deep.
[sighs]
Thanks.
How do you know I'm undercover?
I'm not at liberty to say.
It was that cop, Hyde, right?
You are good.
That's why they call me "The Cobra."
I'm reaching out to you because we've been trying to make a corruption case against Judge Bell, and I need your help.
Oh, I don't know.
HQ wants me to focus on Operation Holy Ghost.
Well, listen, listen.
You're in the perfect place to work the judge.
He's been getting kickbacks from a private juvenile detention prison for every kid he sends in there.
We just haven't been able to prove it yet.
If I do this job, my kid goes free?
All the railroaded kids would go free.
Okay.
Cobra's in.
Great.
Well, I'm the S.A.C. in this rent-a-goon op.
U.A.C.B.
Are we clear?
Couldn't be clearer.
[rock music]
♪ ♪
When are you guys gonna get me out of here?
Well, I talked to a lawyer.
He said it would cost $15,000 and could take up to two years.
Two years?
Guys, they're sending me to Murdock.
Do you know what they do to kids like me in Murdock?
Is there anything I can get you that you need right now?
A soda? Maybe some chips?
Yeah, because some snacks are gonna make everything wonderful.
I'm on it.
I saw a vending machine down the hallway.
Listen, Austin, I'm working on something that might get you out of here real soon.
I'm gonna take care of you.
You know how many times I've heard that in my life?
[upbeat music]
Well, I'm here already.
♪ ♪
Oh, my.
Oh, my!
I tell you, it's amazing how you got songs from different artists all on the same compact disc.
It's like an all-star game for my ears.
Oh, hello.
Yeah, Ashlee, this is...
[music stops]
Oh, thank you.
Mm-hmm.
This is Dora, the girl that I trounced in the presidential election after she insulted me.
Oh, right! Alden told me about that.
From the way he described you, I had no idea you were so pretty.
Well... thank you.
So you're dating Alden.
Uh... uh...
Why?
Well, why wouldn't I?
He's the sweetest, most charming man I've ever met.
And she's met lots of men.
He made me believe in myself.
And even more, he made me believe in the Lord.
Yeah, Ashlee is becoming a member of our church.
Oh, wonderful. You don't bowl, do you?
It's just that our ladies' team has been down a gal ever since Louise Polk had her foot taken.
Sounds... fun.
Count me in.
Yeah, we-we really should be going, uh, uh, Sugarplum.
Don't worry, Dora. You'll find love too someday.
Maybe.
[knocking]
Buddy.
There's something you don't know about me.
Happy to keep it that way.
In my 20s, after my career as a cruise ship magician didn't pan out, I dreamed of being a lawyer.
But unfortunately, I couldn't pass the bar.
Ah, who can?
See those neon beer signs, you gotta go in.
But I did write a brief letter to the supervising judge arguing how grossly unfair Judge Bell's sentence was, vis-à-vis Austin's petty vandalism.
I couldn't have Russell's letter spooking Judge Bell before I could bust him.
I'm off to mail it right now.
If only I had... a stamp.
You know what, let's get this moving even faster.
I'll take it.
I'm going down to the courthouse anyway.
Another matter.
W-Wait, if you're parking at a meter, you'll need a quarter.
This is the Royal Caribbean all over again.
You will never guess what I found in Buddy's bed.
This.
How do you think it got there?
How do you think it got there?
I don't know.
I mean, do you think that Buddy could be interested in women?
Uh, well, you know him better than me.
Yeah.
Guess I just never thought about it.
Who do you think it could be?
Uh...
Well, whoever it is, they're pretty trashy.
Actually, I think it's sexy and tasteful.
Maybe if you're a prost*tute.
[doorbell chimes]
Sheriff, what a pleasant surprise.
That almost sounded sincere.
I do my best.
You know the other day when you took that lie detector test?
Really something how that machine didn't work on you.
I hear those babies are expensive to fix.
Is it still under warranty?
Funny thing though.
After you left, I asked Lionel to hook me up to it, and it worked just fine.
I wondered, why would the test work for me and not for you?
Maybe it's more of a "lady-tector" test.
Come on.
But then I thought, what if Lionel couldn't get a baseline on you because every answer about yourself was a lie?
That would mean you aren't who you say you are, Pastor Barlow.
And given your logic, that would also mean I didn't k*ll Ray Flores.
But I have a feeling you know who did.
And I'm not gonna stop until I know all about that and all about you.
[suspenseful music]
Buddy: Turns out, cops and judges weren't the only boobs causing me trouble.
This is why I told you, you should never wear bras.
I don't like lying to my friends, Buddy, and I don't like sneaking around.
Maybe we should just tell everyone about us.
No. No, I'm not ready.
I'm still confused about the whole gay/straight thing.
You weren't confused last night.
Three times.
Yeah, but on the last one, I was pretending you were a dude.
Look, I don't know if you're confused or embarrassed or just afraid of how people will react, but until you figure it out, maybe we shouldn't do this anymore.
Maybe you're right.
No, this is not one of those moments.
[sighs]
Still no.
[smooth music]
♪ ♪
The plot thickens.
Buddy: This was my one sh*t to get Austin out of jail.
But if the FBI saw through me, I knew I'd be joining him.
Okay, let's get you wired.
What are you doing?
I was just gonna put this on your lapel.
Oh, yeah.
Just I've been through so many of these things.
I'm bored.
Yeah, right.
Yeah.
All right, it's voice-activated, so it'll pick up everything the judge says.
I take it you're well versed in tactical memorization.
Of course.
Good.
This is a list of all the facts about the case and questions I want you to ask the judge.
Commit to memory.
[sighs]
Hey.
What?
Can't have any leave-behinds.
Right.
It's just that... call me old-school, I usually eat the paper.
No agent does that.
Fact.
I once at a field manual and sh*t out Old Glory.
Dare me.
Man, Cobra, you're something else.
And don't you forget it.
Blonde with dark roots.
Coarse from years of bleaching.
It could be Alexa's. What's your point?
That it could have been Alexa in Buddy's bed.
Doing what people do in bed.
You know, when they're not sleeping or reading or watching TV or knitting or...
I know what people do, but that's ridiculous.
Is it?
Because when I showed her the bra, she seemed a little squirrely.
I know for a fact that Buddy Barlow is 100% gay.
No man can look at me the way he does and be a breeder.
Maybe he's weaning himself off being gay.
That's not how it works. It's not like dairy or carbs.
Well, something is going on.
And I'm going to find out what.
Your Honor, I'm a law and order guy just like you.
And I love how you take a hard stance against juvenile delinquents, but you should let Austin McCain go.
Why is that?
Because he's a good kid.
And believe me, there are a lot of bad ones out there.
Real scumbags who deserve to be in jail.
Harsh language for a man of God.
Oh, trust me.
God wants these troublemaking turds behind bars as much as you and I do.
And I can get 'em for you.
What do you mean for me?
I mean, for the justice system.
For America.
If we work together, we could get a hundred of these pre-pube drug-running dirtballs off the street.
Pastor, as much as I appreciate your anticrime zeal, I am not in the habit of rescinding my sentences.
But, Your Honor...
I'm sorry.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm due in court.
[dramatic music]
[smooth music plays]
You're in a mood.
You bet I am.
You know, since my divorce is final as of today, I thought we might... move it up a notch.
Oh?
Yeah.
♪ ♪
[moaning]
I'm sorry, we have to stop.
What? What? What?
What, is it your lady time?
Oh, that damn moon!
No, it's not that.
It's just ever since you've shown me the light and introduced me to the church, I want to respect that.
Uh... [stammers]
What do you mean?
Alden, I love you.
But I don't think we should have relations before we get married.
You love me?
Yeah.
♪ ♪
♪ The time may come for us to part ♪
♪ But ever since the start ♪
♪ You captured my whole heart ♪
Buddy: As if failing to save Austin wasn't bad enough, now I had to give him the news.
When you gave the supervising judge my letter, what did he say?
Uh, he was very impressed.
He's gonna give it serious consideration.
He said that?
Well, not out loud.
Hey, what's going on?
They're taking me to Murdock.
[somber music]
♪ ♪
Come on, Landecker, can't you just get my kid out?
They'll eat him alive in Murdock.
Sorry, he's gonna have to sit tight until we nail the judge.
You of all people know these ops take time.
I gotta go.
Pastor.
We have some big news to share.
Show him, Honeybunch.
We're engaged. Eeh!
Holy s... Schmidt.
That's... that's fast.
Well, Reverend, when you know something is right, why wait, huh?
Now I'm gonna go get us a latte to celebrate, one with a little heart in the foam.
[laughing] Ohh.
You are so adorable.
Oh.
She is...
This is all one big con, isn't it?
No, I'm madly in love with him because he's so incredibly charming.
Jesus, Ashlee.
I could see taking Schmidt for a few bucks, but marriage?
Why should I keep sleeping with guys like you when I can marry him and be set for life?
Guys like me? You mean big downstairs?
What kinda funhouse mirror have you been looking in?
Hey, what makes you think I'll let you do this to Schmidt?
He's one of my favorite 300 or 400 congregants.
You're not gonna say a word.
Yeah, give me one good reason why not.
Because it'd be a real shame if people found out their favorite gay pastor likes banging hookers in the woods and buying fake passports and stealing watches and fencing...
I said one.
The order is in.
Now, until I make the formal announcement, not a word of this to anyone, huh?
Oh, don't worry.
I wouldn't know what word to use anyway.
Well, mum.
[phone vibrates]
Oh!
Excuse me, kids.
Alexa, what's up?
Just so you know, Dora found a blonde hair in your bed.
She was just here, trying to match it to mine.
Damn. Did you deny?
Well, yeah, but I don't think she's buying it.
Maybe we should just come clean.
No. We can't tell the truth.
That's not our thing.
Okay, here's what I want you to do.
Okay.
[bell jingles]
[smooth rock music]
♪ ♪
[doorbell chimes]
Judge.
Is there somewhere we can speak privately?
I gave some thought to what you said in my chambers.
I believe we think alike when it comes to these young miscreants.
Right, but first let's talk about these lowlife kids.
And how we're gonna get 'em off the streets and into jail.
As many as you can send me, Murdock has room for them.
Huh.
Is there a problem?
Well... it's just that so much of a pastor's day is spent fundraising.
That doesn't leave much time for helping out law enforcement.
I see.
What if my associates at Murdock Correctional were to provide you with a $1,000 per head finder's fee?
A thousand dollars?
These are kids we're talking about here.
Aren't their lives worth at least two grand to me?
I'll give you $1,200.
Deal.
I'll be in touch.
Judge.
[upbeat rock music]
Did you hear that? He offered me cash for kids.
Boo-ya!
Oh, sh*t.
I'd screwed up again, but there was nothing I could do till tomorrow.
Tonight, I had another problem to solve.
Good night, Buddy.
Dora, could you come up here, please?
Come in.
Oh, my, what's all this?
Oh, just some stuff I've been collecting for homeless women.
I'm just not sure it's sexy enough.
[chuckles] Excuse me? Why would it matter...
Think about it, Dora.
Okay.
Have you ever seen a really sexy homeless woman?
Uh...
No.
Everyone knows the hotter you look, the more likely you are to have a home.
So the quicker I get these ladies looking great and feeling good about themselves, the quicker they'll have a place to live.
I just... I don't... I'm not so sure that it works that way.
Well, maybe it does, maybe it doesn't, but don't we owe it to our homeless sisters to find out?
Well, what about the homeless guys?
Well, a lot of them are drunks and wackos.
There's only so much I can do.
Well, I may not always agree with your methods, but it's good to know, as always, your heart is in the right place.
Thanks.
By the way, I could have sworn I had a red bra in here.
You haven't seen one, have you?
I will keep my eyes open for that, but, oh boy, I gotta go. But good night.
Night.
Yeah.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
Alexa, it worked.
You can come over and get your stuff back.
Yes!
With the bra problem off my back, I thought it was time to reconnect with Alexa and give her a good laugh.
[doorbell chimes]
[high-pitched] Well, hello.
One thing I never thought I'd say to you, I have that same bra.
Clearly we both have great taste.
One thing I always knew I'd say to you, you're under arrest.
[dramatic music]
Thanks for letting me change.
It wasn't for you. It was for me.
I'm still trying to get that picture out of my brain.
Listen, I don't know how many times I have to tell you.
I didn't k*ll Ray Flores.
Oh, I'm not arresting you for that.
We know who the k*ller is.
Ballistics traced it back to a Jasmine Evans.
Then what are you arresting me for?
Remember when I gave you this little present?
It's got a listening device in it.
Heard every sound you've made over the past few days, including the incessant masturbation.
Uh, that's not illegal.
It ain't normal.
When I got a warrant for this, I knew you'd say something incriminating, and today you did.
You're under arrest for attempted bribery of a public official.
But I didn't...
Wait, you have the judge and me on tape?
Mm-hmm.
[sighs]
Sheriff, I'm gonna give you a big kiss.
You do, you'll get maced.
Okay.
[smooth music]
You talked to the sheriff?
I filled her in.
You're good to go, Cobra.
You're free to leave, Agent.
Sorry I couldn't tell you anything, but you understand I was and still am deep undercover.
I suppose.
Your apology is accepted.
I didn't apologize.
Feels like you want to.
There it is!
You're forgiven.
I was wrong about you. You came through.
Oh, don't thank me. He's the one who got you out, thanks to his brilliant legal letter.
Wait, really?
I want to be falsely modest, but I just can't.
Yes, it was me.
And I wouldn't mention any of this to Russell's brother.
But if you do, remember I saved the day.
All right.
Time to celebrate.
What's the occasion?
I talked to the sheriff.
She's not going after us anymore.
We're in the clear.
That's fantastic.
Oh.
And I've been thinking, I'm not confused anymore.
I don't know how it's gonna work, but I know I need you in my life.
[bell jingles]
I thought that would get a better reaction.
Who are you?
I'm her husband.
[dramatic music]
02x09 - Judge Not
"Impastor" follows a gambling addict slacker who, in order to go on the run from a loan shark, steals a man's identity and ends up posing as a small town's new gay pastor.