02x04 - Parental Guidance-Svartsjuk

[bunniefuu]

Woman: Wayne, I think we're lost.

Shouldn't we just ask for directions?

No, no, no, no, no, we're not lost, I can remember from the last time we were here.

Hi!

Can you believe that our Bruce is getting married?

Yeah.

You know, I remember when I used to change his diaper and his little peeper used to stick straight out!

Shh, Nancy, shush. Come on.

We should have asked for a map from the hotel.

Oh no, we don't need a map.

Men have a natural sense of direction.

It's just that the names of these streets...

I mean, look at that one, it's...

Marycockscochngatan...

I mean, really, is that a word?

Who can speak a language like this? My God.

I don't remember it being so cold when we were here last time.

Yeah, well, it's winter, honey.

This is crazy. I'm going to ask someone.

Excuse me, do you know where Bruce lives?

The American.

♪ We're not living in America ♪
♪ But we're not sorry ♪
♪ I knew there was something ♪
♪ That we never had ♪
♪ We don't worry ♪
♪ No, we're not living in America ♪
♪ But we're not sorry, no ♪
♪ We don't care about the world today ♪
♪ We're not sorry ♪
♪ For you ♪
♪ For my baby, baby, baby, baby ♪

(Doorbell ringing)

We were wondering if you'd like to buy some encyclopedias.

(Laughter)

Honey, it's us!

Yeah, I can see that.

(Laughing)

Nancy: Oh my gosh, look at this place!

Good to see you.

Yep.

I'll take this for you.

Here you go.

Honey, take your shoes off.

That's what they do.

I'm not taking my shoes off.

That's what they do in Sweden!

I told you... what... Next it's a group bath, right?

Come on.

No.

Where is she, my sweet girl?

Hey-y-y!

Oh, look at you!

My sweet Emma, you look great!

Oh, thank you, so do you!

Hi Wayne, how are you?

Hi, hi.

I'm good.

Are those new glasses?

Emma: Yeah!

I love them.

They make you look so smart!

Oh, thank you.

We're so excited about the engagement.

And we have a little surprise.

(Gasp) First, um, little drink? Just warm us up first.

Definitely.

Where's our room, by the way?

Thought you guys were staying at the hotel?

(Laughter)

Nancy: We're kidding!

We're moving in!

Did you see the look on his face?

We're not, we're not.

Nancy: Of course we're staying at the hotel you silly Gus!

Honey, look at this view, huh?

It's like a postcard.

(Music)

(Music)

(Music)

All right.

Now for the big news.

We've decided... we want to pay for the wedding.

What? No!

Yes!

No! I mean, thank you so much, but we couldn't.

Yes!

No!

They're saying no, but they mean yes.

No!

All right, then that's settled now.

We understand the issue of where to have the wedding.

And we want you to know there are two choices, but this is your decision.

Yes, it's up to you. Whatever you want.

Option number one would be to have the wedding in our local church in Willard, Ohio.

Nancy: Which of course is our preference.

Wayne: Option number two would be to have the wedding in another local church just outside of town.

Right. This church is in Celeryville.

Now that's about a seven minute drive for our guests, and you know your Auntie Claire does not like to travel.

Yeah, so it's really not an option at all.

Yeah.

Wow! (Chuckle)

Honey, um, want to go out on the balcony just to get some fresh air?

Yes.

Wayne: Okay.

Oh, they're overwhelmed!

Ha-ha!

What is happening?

They're trying to take over our wedding, that's what's happening.

Okay, I mean, uh, we talked about having the wedding here but if you want to have it in the States it's fine with me.

No! Not at all.

Our life is here now.

Okay.

Plus, I can't stand my Auntie Claire.

Mainly I just don't want them involved, okay?

They've been doing this my whole life, trying to take over everything.

Now they're trying to do it when I'm 4000 miles away.

Okay, so do you want to go inside and tell them?

Is there any way you can do it?

What?

Please, you don't know what they're like.

Seriously, they just have this way of getting what they want. I can't explain it.

Are you serious now?

Yes! I'm serious!

They made me play the clarinet for twelve years, I hate the clarinet!

Wow, that blows! (Chuckling)

Get it? With the clarinet...

I get it, but it's not... it's not funny right now.

Okay, honey! Relax!

I'll do it.

How hard can it be?

Great.

Emma: Wayne, Nancy?

We have something we would like to tell you.

Before you do, we just want to tell you how much this means to us.

Yeah. To be honest, it kind of feels like we've lost Brucie now that he's moved here, so this helps a lot.

Wayne: He is our only child.

Nancy: And this is going to be our only wedding.

As parents.

And this sort of makes up for all those Christmases we spent alone.

Hasn't it been only one Christmas?

Yes, but that one was pretty horrible.

Wayne: So we appreciate this one little thing that you're giving us.

A chance to celebrate your wedding in the greatest country in the world.

Nancy: This is probably going to be the greatest gift that we'll ever get. Ever.

Anyway, you wanted to tell us something?

No.

Bruce?

What just happened?

(Whispering) I know, I told you!

They're amazing at getting what they want!

It's like they play Jedi mind tricks or something.

Emma: I mean, look at this.

Everything is just so traditional.

I mean, a church? We're not even religious!

Oh, but churches can be nice.

I mean, sometimes traditions are nice.

For real? A church wedding with a priest?

Is that really what you were thinking?

I mean, I actually haven't thought about it...

Babe, this is not us!

I mean, we have to tell them.

Okay, think of something.

Okay.

We could tell them your father is sick?

No! That's terrible!

No. That is terrible, I'm sorry for... bringing that up.

He does have his heart problem.

He does.

I mean, so we wouldn't exactly be lying.

Right, exactly. It's foolproof.

If you say someone's sick there's nothing they can say.

They can't question it.

No, they can't go "Are you sure? How sick is he?"

(Whispering) That's genius, honey.

Thank you.

Boom.

The Empire strikes back.

(Chuckling)

(Imitating whoosh of lightsaber)

That was a lightsaber.

Yep.

Okay, we need to talk to you and Mom.

Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh...

(Whispering) Your mother is resting.

What is it, son?

Okay, we should wait until she gets up.

Oh, no.

Okay, listen.

We have to talk to you about the wedding.

Before you do, I didn't want to have to tell you two this, but now is as good a time as any, I guess.

Nancy is very sick.

Are you sure?

How sick is she?

Very sick.

Hmm.

Doctor says it's only a matter of months.

There are no guarantees.

She probably wouldn't have been able to make it here to the wedding anyway, So, thank you.

For making the right decision.

It's just that it's hard, that's all.

Sounds hard. And horrible.

Right, Bruce?

Mom is sick?

I mean, this is awful.

Are you serious right now?

He's obviously lying!

What?

He used the same trick on us that we were going to use on them.

You're being played, Bruce.

Oh, they are so good!

How dare they play with my emotions like that?

I guess my mother's not even sick!

So if he's lying I'm actually happy.

But if he's lying I'm also so mad.

Yeah, I know, it's low.

Yes.

It's outrageous.

Yes!

Pretending to be sick?

I know.

That's disgusting.

It is!

Although technically we were going to do the same thing.

Yeah, but we are...

Well, it's different for us.

Yes.

'Cause...

Well it just is.

It is.

Yes.

I just had the best nap.

Okay, Mom. Can we talk with you for a second?

Well sure, Brucie, what is it?

Uh, Dad said that you were sick.

Oh, that.

Well, yeah, it's true.

Okay, what type of sickness are we talking about?

(Doorbell ringing)

Wayne: I got it, I'll get it.

You know what, do me a favour Bruce.

I don't want to think about it.

Just for tonight.

Yeah.

Let's not talk about it, all right?

(Mixed greetings)

Well, looks like they got their story straight.

(Sobbing) Oh my God, your Mom is sick!

She is?

(Mixed chatter)

Okay, anyone want more potato mousse?

Is there moose in there?

I did not taste the moose in there, really.

Mashed potatoes. Mashed.

Oh, well no thank you. It was delicious, though.

Okay.

Now is the time when we in Sweden say thank you to the cock.

What?

It's cook. Cook.

Sorry, it's cook.

Uh, "cock" means cook in Swedish.

(Chuckling)

Oh, sorry. Cook.

Thank you, Emma.

Thank you, Emma.

Thank you!

Okay, Wayne.

Let's clear the table and do the dishes.

Yeah, ri... (Laugh)

You're serious.

Uh... yes.

Nancy: Here you go, honey.

Thank you.

I want a picture of that.

Nancy, wine?

Please!

Thank you.

Mm! Mm.

What is in this dip?

Oh, that's Swedish "gubbrora".

Gubbrora?

It's eggs and anchovies, if you don't like it we have other...

Don't like it? I love it!

I want the recipe. You're an amazing cook!

Oh, thank you, Nancy.

Oh!

I love listening to you guys speak Swedish.

Just sounds amazing.

(Imitating Swedish)

And then you go like, (Imitating Swedish)

(Continuing)

It's a beautiful language.

You know, Birger, we have machines in America that do all this.

(Chuckling) Yes, but I... I kind of like it.

Oh, I get that.

A chance for the man to get away from the old lady now and then.

No, I just like doing dishes.

Yeah.

Hey, what about your summer house?

Have you sold that yet?

No, not yet.

If I remember right it was on a beautiful piece of property.

Yeah.

What are you asking for?

Uh, two million Swedish.

Two mill...?

That's less than 300 000 American dollars!

That's a steal!

Yeah.

We even had to lower the price because no one was interested.

You know what?

Maybe I'll just buy that property from you myself.

Well, that's what I used to do.

I'd buy a house, I'd fix it up, I flip it, then I can have a profit, you can have piece of mind.

Win-win situation.

Yes but you really don't have to.

I know I don't have to, Birger.

But I want to.

You know, as a favour to you!

Eh, you have to see the house first, because it's in a terrible condition.

Well, then we'll see it.

Yes.

I mean, you can't call yourself a feminist and be married.

The entire institution of marriage is based on oppression seeing women as not being equal to their dominant husbands.

Mmm. I love girl talk.

Don't you?

So, I was thinking.

Do you want to go shopping for wedding dresses tomorrow?

Emma: Oh, I would love to!

Great! You want to join us, Viveka?

No, it's not my thing.

Okay, great.

Well I guess it's just the two of us gals then.

Yeah. (Chuckling)

Nancy: Oh boy.

You know I have to say...

I'm not looking at this like I'm losing a son.

I look at this like I'm gaining a daughter.

The daughter that I never had.

Emma: Oh, that's so sweet Nancy.

(Clearing throat)

In fact, if it's okay I'd like to... give you something.

This is a bracelet that I wore on my wedding, and my Mom wore it on her wedding, and I would very much like it if you wore it on your wedding.

Oh my God, it's beautiful.

I'll wear it with pride.

Thank you so much, Nancy.

Thank you.

Oh, I love you so much.

I love you too.

(Shouting) You know what?

What time are you going wedding dress shopping tomorrow?

I think I'll be able to make it.

I'll squeeze it in.

Okay.

Okay, great.

Great!

You're so cute!

Oh, I love you so much.

(Music)

Uh, I did a little research on Swedish real estate, Birger, and this is a real bargain.

It's way below market value.

I'd be glad to take this off your hands.

Uh, I must warn you, we have a lot of "kackerlackor".

What's that?

Ca... Cacki-lacks?

I'm not sure what you call them.

Gross, dangerous things that crawl around your house.

Yeah. Relatives.

Say, what's with the colour always being the same on these buildings?

Is that some kind of communist red?

No, no, eh... it's Swedish traditional colour.

Yeah, well doesn't matter I'm going to tear it all down anyway.

Wh... What?

(Gasping)

There it is! There!

It's perfect.

Woman: My god. You think?

Nancy: Yes! You look stunning.

And it's just... it's breathtaking.

Uh, I don't know, I'm more...

Bruce? What do you say?

Well, I can't see anything! Can I take this off now?

No, you can't take it off, you're going to have 20 years' bad luck.

Hello! I'm here.

Oh, hey.

Mommy is here.

Oh, thank God.

Viveka: What did I miss?

Be honest now.

What do you think of this dress?

Wow.

Yeah.

It looks... lovely.

Are you serious now?

Mm-hmm.

So what do you like about it?

It's just white and beautiful and, um... white.

Okay, let's see. What about this?

Is it too much?

You look wonderful, honey.

They're just going to... talk it over.

Yeah.

This water is very dangerous.

Especially for children.

If you're not looking for a second they get drunk under the water.

Didn't you raise your children here?

Well, I'll take my chances.

You know, we tear down that little red building and make a nice place for a garage.

You've got yourself a deal, Birger, I'll buy it.

It must make you feel good to get this off your mind, huh?

(Chuckling)

You're welcome.

Thank you.

(Music)

Can I help you with anything?

We're fine, thank you.

Woman: Are you sure everything is okay?

I'm sorry, I don't understand Swedish, I just moved here.

So Mom, this sickness.

Tell me more about it.

Do I have to? It's so embarrassing.

You don't have to be embarrassed around me, okay?

Well, I'm very uncomfortable talking about that area.

What area?

You know, the... (Sighing) the bum.

I have hemorrhoids.

Hemorrhoids?

Hemorrhoids?

Yes!

What a pain in the ass.

Ah!

Get it?

Yeah that was a good one!

No, but seriously. I mean, that's great news, I guess?

Yeah, I mean, it's a relief.

Yeah. So now you can tell them that we want the wedding to be in Sweden.

Yeah. Can you do it?

Honey, it's your parents!

You have to learn how to face them.

Stare them down, deliver the news, I'll be right behind you. Okay? You can do this.

Okay. Yes.

You can do this.

Yes.

Yes. Yes!

Yes.

Yes!

Can you do it?

(Sighing)

(Music)

(Clinking glass)

Okay, listen up, everyone.

Bruce has an announcement to make.

Oh.

Yes. Thank you, honey.

Uh...

Okay, I just, um...

You know, maybe this isn't the right time.

Maybe it is.

Oh, maybe it is.

Okay, um...

Listen, this is hard for me, okay?

But sometimes you just got to put your foot down...

Before you do...

No, Dad.

None of that "before you do" crap, okay?

Listen.

Emma and I have been talking.

Okay?

And actually it was probably more her idea, but...

No, Bruce.

No... no!

It was both of our ideas.

Okay? A joint decision.

Jointly, we have made the decision to have the wedding in Sweden.

I'm sorry. I know it's disappointing for you guys, but our life is here now, okay?

(Sighing) And also, we're going to have it in the church.

I'm sorry, honey, but it wouldn't feel like a wedding to me otherwise.

So that's just the way it's going to be.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay!

Well, as long as we're being honest, um... you two, again, I'm not a big fan of Auntie Claire.

Oh, that's okay, she hates you.

(Chuckling)

(Pounding table) I also have to be honest!

I love our summer house! (Pounding table)

I don't want to sell it to Wayne or to anyone!

Thank you.

Nancy: Well, if we're going to be completely honest, I have to say that that "gubbrora" it's... tasted disgusting.

It was like a fish took a crap right in my mouth!

I knew it!

Well, okay, now that we're being honest, I have a few things I'd like to say and I want to start with you, Nancy...

Okay, thank you.

I think that's enough honesty for one night.

Thank you.

Can I make a toast?

Nancy: Yes, cheers.

I'm going to get some breakfast.

Good moron!

I would like breakfast.

Jaa, I want a cup of caffet, and, uh, egg-uh and bread-uh...

(Sighing)

What? Viveka is teaching me Swedish.

That's not S...

And, um, (clearing throat) some hemorrhoid-uh crème-uh.

Jaa, jaa.

Quickly.

(Speaking in Swedish)

(Chuckling)

Honey?

Yes?

What is that?

No, no, no, you have to...

No, I'm not going to put bread in the suitcase!

I don't care, Wayne, I have to have that bread.

That is the greatest bread I've ever had in my life.

Taste it.

(Sniffing)

What do you think? It's good right?

Oh!

That's good!

That's bread! Okay.

I'll have a little nibble just before we...

You know what?

We'll stop by the breakfast place on the way downstairs.