02x08 - Drug Deal-Sjukskriven

[bunniefuu]

Hey!

There he is!

I can't believe you're here.

Yeah.

How's it going? How are you liking Sweden?

Uh... I'm not.

Really? It's like Seattle, but more depressing.

You think this is depressing?

This is like, literally, the best day of the year so far.

This day?

Yeah.

I had to wear a jacket on the way over here.

A jacket in the spring.

Bruce, come on.

Oh my god, if you think this is bad you should see it in the winter time.

Oh, I'm never going to see it in the winter. (Wheezing chuckle)

If you live in a country where the sun never shines, that is God's way of telling you you should move.

I don't know, I think it's kind of nice.

Hmm.

There was a moment this winter when the sun kind of reflected off the snow and it was just really beautiful.

Wow.

So why are you here?

Well, I have a speaking engagement and I'm receiving an award: "Mother of the year".

Wow! Congratulations!

Yeah.

So I have to do a Q&A after with some kids.

And I need to be stoned for that.

Can you get me some weed?

Sure.

Should be easy in Sweden, right?

Yeah, I mean, it must be everywhere, I'm guessing, in this country.

Very progressive and Sweden is so liberal, so.

Yeah, I'm assuming Sweden just hands it out at the library.

You know, I think Vikings were the original hipsters.

Really?

Yeah, I read that, somewhere.

I bet women get equally paid in weed.

I'll get it from the government, or something.

Great.

Yeah. No problem.

So that's it? That's all you wanted?

Yeah, oh, and, uhm... take a look at this.

I had to sign a contract.

Just want to make sure this is legit.

Okay, I'm not a lawyer.

You're not?

What are you?

I'm an accountant.

I was an... I was your accountant, by the way.

Oh my god, Bruce, I don't care!

Just look at it.

(Sighing)

Take a look at how much I'm getting paid.

50 grand.

It says "50 000 crowns", actually, Swedish Krona.

What?

That's, like, $6000.

I flew all the way here to do this event for $6000?

Exactly.

That's how much I pay for my bath towels.

Sorry.

Oh, I knew I was getting screwed.

Speaking of, I Googled your prince, and I'd like you to set up a meeting with him.

I don't think I can do that, actually.

How hard can it be? Just call the castle and ask for the prince.

I think I should focus on the weed thing.

Yes, fine.

You focus on the weed, and I will go get your prince.

Okay, deal.

So... what else has been going on?

What? Chop chop.

I'll just get the weed.

Right, yeah.

(Music)

♪ We're not living in America ♪
♪ But we're not sorry ♪
♪ I knew there was something ♪
♪ That we never had ♪
♪ We don't worry ♪
♪ No, we're not living in America ♪
♪ But we're not sorry, no ♪
♪ We don't care about the world today ♪
♪ We're not sorry ♪
♪ For you ♪
♪ For my baby, baby, baby, baby ♪

So I'm on part time sick leave, now.

Right, for almost hitting the wall.

Yes.

Okay, so the government is paying you to stay home half of the time?

Yeah.

Sounds amazing! I wish I could hit the wall, I wish I could, like, smack right into it.

I mean, I officially work half time but I still have to do all the stuff I did before.

Okay?

And attend a therapy group for people who have hit the wall, "to learn to cope with everyday stress".

Okay?

But those meetings take more hours from my actual work time, you know?

So therapy stresses me out even more!

Okay. But you get paid for that stress.

No, I don't.

Oh god, I thought I understood it but now I'm more confused than ever.

Tack.

Thank you.

Hey, do you know where I can get any weed by the way?

Sshhh!

What?

You can't say that out loud, here.

Can't say weed...

No, but!

There's a very different attitude towards that here.

Towards weed?

It's...

It's a drug.

(Chuckling) Okay.

But it's an accepted drug, like... aspirin or cough medicine.

Not really.

It's all the same here, weed, cocaine, heroine, no difference.

What about alcohol?

We make an exception for alcohol, because...

We do.

Well, it's not for me, just so you know, it's for Amy.

Just say "no".

It's not easy to say "no" to her, she's...

You can get arrested.

If I get arrested I would just call Mrs. Evans to come bail me out.

Why would you call your mom?

My mom? (Laughing)

I'm talking about you, dummy!

The future Mrs. Evans! (Chuckling)

Oh! So you're just assuming I'm going to take your name, now?

Mm?

Why? I mean, you can take my last name.

What?

It's really common in Sweden.

Taking the girl's name?

Yeah.

Well that's not... it's uncommon in the U.S.

It's like... none common. Never happened, actually.

It's not even a thing.

I mean, you want me to be "Bruce Weak"?

People would be like "Hey, look at that guy, oh he's so Bruce Weak."

You're thinking about it the wrong way.

Think "Bruce Week".

You know, every week could be a Bruce week.

That's funny, but no!

I would have to change everything, I would have to go to the passport agency, and my licence, I'd have to change the name on...

Yeah, but that's.... what you want me to do, now.

No, well, yeah, but it would be different for you.

Because?

Because... it's how it's been done for a long time, you can't undo history.

I'm not trying to be like a pioneer, you know, and be the first guy, American guy, to ever change my...

Let somebody else take up that fight.

(Stuttering) You're being... you're being crazy!

Suggesting this, like, right now, I've never seen you like this.

I just thought we were going to come here and eat, have like a... like a conversation.

You're just being like "whaaat?"!

Uh... this was a topic that I thought would never even... be a thing, like name...

Name change?

Because I thought this was done... settled!

This was, I...

We haven't even talked about it before.

I know, obviously I just...

(Exhaling) Oh my god!

(Cash register clicking)

(Register keys click)

Diane: Emma? Knock, knock.

Hi. So, here's the deal.

We have got some big American investors coming in next week.

Okay.

And I think you should be the one to meet with them because you are great with Americans.

I'm great with one American: my boyfriend.

And I'm actually only working part time.

I'm on sick leave.

I'm sorry, I'm having trouble with this whole "sick leave" thing.

Yeah, of course you have.

I mean, you're American. You'll never get it.

Okay.

I'll set the meeting, then.

No, Diane! Diane.

Really, I don't think I have time.

I need to attend all these therapy group meetings and...

Emma, this is so important.

This is about the bank's image, and you are blonde and beautiful!

And smart! Also... very smart.

Just set the meetings.

(Sinsong) Perfect!

Oh, and you know what?

If you're feeling stressed, you should try mindfulness.

It's great.

I have these bracelets, see? (Clearing throat)

"Be here now", "be here right now", if I'm super stressed...

And they work?

Well, I don't know, I just bought them, but, I'm here.

Right now.

Okay, I'll set the meeting.

(Music)

Okay, you're not going to believe this, but over here it seems that weed is considered to be a drug.

What? That's so stupid.

I know, It's like trying to get a hold of crystal meth or something.

Wait, really?

You can get me crystal meth?

No, I just might not be able to get you weed.

Oh, come on, you can't get the drug that's in the name of the country?

S-weed-en! (Chuckling)

That's a good one.

But no, it's just harder than I expected.

Bruce, if you can't deliver, then maybe you're not The Guy.

I am The Guy!

Well, The Guy gets the things for the people!

I have a very important event that I need to be stoned for.

I would hate for my lawyer to sue you.

Sue me for what?

You know, service is not rendered, void contract, habeas corpus, force majeure, I don't know the terms.

Yeah, I don't think it's illegal to not get someone weed.

Well, not in this banana republic but you're still a U.S. citizen, right?

I don't think it's illegal to not get someone weed in the U.S., either.

Yeah, well you don't know my lawyer.

He's very tough and he's often stoned so he'll understand.

Can I say something about Sweden?

Sure.

It thinks it's such a progressive country and such a champion of women's rights, but what about this woman?

And her rights?

To get and smoke dr*gs?

Hypocritical.

Okay, I'm just saying I don't even know where to look, okay?

Well, if this was in New York, we would just go to some piss-filled back alley and find some weird guy with a limp and hand him a bunch of money.

Oh god, I miss the U.S. so much!

(Sighing)

Okay, you know what? I'll do it.

I'll figure it out.

That's the spirit, Bruce.

Yeah. And listen, this water is boring, so I'm going to go inside and watch some TV.

I'm on it.

(Inhaling)

(Exhaling)

A-a-a-a-a-ah!

(Music)

Are you meditating?

Yeah, I'm sitting on a beach...

Gustaf: Hello?

...and the water is calm and...

Oh wait, there's something in there.

Oh, it's a dead therapist.

Listen. I need your help, guys.

I'm applying for a job in sales and I need to write a VC.

I think it's called a CV, but... yeah.

Ah, okay. What is it?

It's a list of all your work skills and experience.

Great, that'll be quick.

I have no skills and no experience.

Actually the key to a good résumé is just to exaggerate.

Like, when you were a kid, did you ever sell lemonade on the side of the road or something?

No, Bruce! I sold berries.

Okay, well, same concept.

Okay? Use that. I wouldn't mention the berry thing but you can say you have sales experience and that you're good with customer relations.

Brilliant.

Okay, I've heard enough. I'm taking a shower.

(Speaking low) Hey, come here for a sec.

I want to ask you something.

Hey, do you know where I can get any weed by any chance?

Yeah, I know a place.

You do!

(Music)

These people are all like you, Bruce.

What do you mean "like me"?

Narcotics Anonymous.

Bruce: Narcotics Anonymous?

Yep.

Gustaf, I don't have a drug problem, okay?

I just need weed, immediately. Classic.

You're still in denial.

Don't worry, Bruce, it's "amonymous".

"Anonymous".

That's what I said.

Do you guys speak English, or...?

A little.

Great. You used to take dr*gs, right?

Yeah, I've been to some pretty bad places in my life.

Okay, so where were those bad places? Was it...

What do you mean?

I mean like, specifically, was there like an area or a street...

No, no, no, my wife left me and my kid didn't want to see me anymore.

Ohh.

That's when I hit my rock bottom.

Right. Where was your rock bottom? Was it like...

I don't want to talk about it. What's your story?

Same. Yeah, I used to buy a lot of dr*gs, from...

Mainly actually from one guy.

I don't know if you know him, he used to sell to anyone.

He was well known for just... whoever was walking by he would just give it...

Do you know him...?

Big guy?

He was... I don't know, you tell me.

If you said the name I would know it, it was like... something Swedish, like... mmmm...

Anders...?

Mmmm...

Mats?

Mattias?

Mattias, yes!

Ah! Yeah!

Oh yeah, how is he? Is he still...?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's still?

Yeah, on the same spot.

Same spot!

Yeah, yeah. Okay good, 'cause...

I have a map here so, do you know where the...

Yeah, yeah, it's there. Close to the water.

Yes!

Yeah.

God, well I'll be sure to stay away from there, then.

Yeah, you do that.

Whoo!

Yeah. Mattias... Thanks!

Gustaf: What's happening?

Bruce: I got it.

Gustaf: You... You're cured?

Bruce: No, I'm going to buy dr*gs.

Gustaf: No, I'm telling you no, Bruce.

Bruce: It's not for me, Gustaf.

(Typing clicks)

(Woman moaning in video)

Hey there!

Oh! Hi!

Diane: This is Emma.

This is Larry from Magnusen Investments.

Oh, hi! Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too, Emma.

I... I have to say... it's a very nice view you've got in these offices.

Okay, have a good meeting.

Sure!

Hi, are you Mattias?

Who's asking?

Uhm, it's...

I'm just looking for some, uh...

Jolly Green Giant. (Chuckling)

Mary-Jane?

Puff the magic dragon... help me out here, I don't know the lingo. What do you guys call it?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Weed!

I know, I got your name from a former client so I know...

I know what you do.

You look like a cop to me.

A cop?

No... I'm speaking English. I'm from America.

That would be the dumbest undercover move ever, to be doing that.

Don't they have cops in America?

They do, but they have them in America.

I mean, why would I come to Sweden to be a cop?

Swedish cops make no money, that's stupid.

Maybe that's what you want me to think.

Look at me, I'm out of shape!

I have no muscles whatsoever, you know.

I couldn't be a cop, I'm weak!

I'm Bruce Weak, that could be my name actually, soon.

Maybe you're not a cop.

No.

I just need weed.

So, do you have any, like, really inexpensive stuff?

(Music)

Some of the data you're asking for, we can't give you.

You can't give me...

Sir, I've checked with legal and we're actually prohibited by law to...

Excuse me, is there someone else with more experience in the office I can speak with?

No!

I'm the right person to talk to.

Obviously not. You don't seem to know what's at stake here.

Okay, sir, sir! Calm down.

I think you're in a lot of stress right now...

I'm not stressed in the least.

I'm very frustrated.

You know what?

I think you're under a lot of stress right now, so just take deep breaths and imagine that you're on a beach.

I'm not stressed!

(Yelling)

That's what we call a pattern breaker.

I'm going to speak with your boss.

Yeah, but I'm going to speak to your boss!

(Sighing) Ah...

(Music)

(Gustaf's phone buzzing)

(Chair scrapes, clatters)

Mission... accomplished.

Nice, Bruce!

I knew you'd come through.

Told you. I'm The Guy.

Hm.

Wow, wait.

Don't open that here!

It smells like a pizza place.

This is oregano.

It's not oregano, okay?

I paid 2,500 crowns for that, it's like $350.

This is oregano.

There's no way oregano could cost that much.

Okay? I'm not an id... idiot.

Taste it.

I will taste it, God!

Will you be careful with this?

(Muted chatter of diners, utensils clinking)

It could...

It's oregano, you're right.

Yeah, that's what I said.

Oh, my god.

(Sighing) You're not The Guy, Bruce.

I am The Guy.

You know what you are?

The pizza delivery guy.

That's still something.

Get out of here, my date is going to meet me.

Who's your date?

The prince.

He's going to take me go-karting.

Cool!

Never met a prince before.

You're not going to meet one now.

He's not going to hang out with a drug dealer.

b*at it!

Okay.

(Exhaling)

You told Larry you were going to talk to his boss?

Yes, because I panicked.

Oh my god, when Hans finds out about this...

Well, what about me?

I am responsible for this bank's image. This... this is like the Hindenburg crashing into the Titanic, and other stuff that's really bad for this bank!

You know what? Maybe we should just calm down a bit and do some mindfulness, you know, be here, now...

Why would I want to be here now?

This is a nightmare. I want to get the hell out of here now!

(Clattering) Oh, finally, good God!

(Exhaling)

Is that marijuana?

Doctor's orders.

I'm from California.

(Door closing)

Bruce: Honey, I'm home!

He-ey! How was your day?

I think I bought the world's most expensive pizza spice.

(Cackling)

I... think I'm finished as The Guy, actually.

Oh, good for you! (Wheezing)

My day was a mess.

Oh. I'm on full time sick leave now.

Okay, is that all you're on?

Do you know what Diane does? (Chuckling)

She smokes weed in her office.

Okay, now I get it. (Chuckle)

Right. Did she offer you any?

No. No.

I said... I just said no, Bruce.

Do we have any more potato chips?

Yeah. Coming right up.

(Cackling)

(Video chatter on computer)

(Laughing) You should see this.

(Snorting) It's so funny.